Arch Enemas.

I don't even know what that's supposed to mean...

Well, it's a reference to my feet... because, you see, if there's one person who's most definitely NOT a candidate for foot fetish porn right now, it's me.

Saturday night: in a fit of drunken 'shenanigans', some play-fighting went a titch too far and a toe on my right foot (not the middle toe, not the baby toe, but that useless one between those two) bore the positively elephantine brunt of someone.

Currently, it's so swollen, it looks like a penis. A great big, skanky, scarlet-red penis with a dwarfed toe-nail on the end of it. It's not too glamorous. I thought about taking a picture of it, but really, it's so gross.

So I can barely walk. I'm someone who's very "Point A to Point B in the quickest amount of time" so this is driving me MAD. I'm fucking hobbling everywhere like a wounded wildebeest. I'm officially like one of those exceptionally slow elderly people that I hate - and will STILL hate after this has healed, make no mistake about it... no no no no no - this will absolutely not give me any sort of perspective into what it feels like to be someone who's mobility-challenged... I'll still find those people annoying as hell. Well, I might be sympathetic for them for like, a week. But after that I'll be back to rolling my eyes, snarling and baring my upper teeth at them...

Anyballs... this weekend in Toronto sucked. We were lambasted by snow, yet again. This has really got to stop. Holy fuck. Like, it's just never ending at this point. Particularly if I'm given crutches, watch out. Me trying to manoeuvre crutches for the first time in my life and in the the thick of the snowiest winter we've ever had in Toronto... Fuck that. I'll take disability. I wonder if I can do that. Hmmm...

Anyballs, Pt 2. -

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

DANNY NORIEGA

Who: Big-voiced elfin Emosexual/13th-place finisher on Season 7 of American Idol.
Why I Loved Him: What is conceivably not to love? The first unabashedly out semi-finalist in American Idol history, Danny sassed and snapped his way through whatever Simon could dish out. Beyond that, he served as a positively glowing example to teenage homos that's sorely needed right now in the wake of a string of teenage homo murders, or rather, teenage homo-cides. Beyond THAT, his little emo vlogs that have surfaced (like the one above - TAKE THAT, CHRISTMAS! *SNAP*) are fierce.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

LISA RINNA

Who: I know. Who exactly is this bitch and how did she get famous? Her big 'acting' credits are as some pseudo-vixen on daytime soap-opera, Days Of Our Lives, which she parlayed into playing another pseudo-vixen on night-time soap-opera, Melrose Place. She then parlayed that into a hosting gig on TV Guide Channel's Soap Talk and competed on some season of Dancing With The Stars. She now does stunningly-informed work at various red carpet events for E!, as per evidenced above...
Why I Hated Her: Beyond the fact that her face is irreconcilably busted, and that she's someone who would gleefully attend the opening of an envelope... DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH, ASSHOLE! I have problems believing that you're too busy practicing pursing your lips in the mirror to take 2 fucking minutes out of your day and Google Amy Adams. GOOD GRIEF!

Speaking of Amy Adams... her SNL was a little underwhelming this weekend... the standout sketch, for me, was the last one - which seems to be a recurring theme of late... "Lady Business" was the last sketch of the Tina Fey episode... Ellen Page's coming-out sketch was the last sketch last week... hmmm... - anyway, the sketch centred around 4 single girl friends going out to a bar continually performing a dance they did back in high-school to varying tempos, pretending like they were reluctantly forced to do it... They did it at normal speed to Rihanna's "Umbrella", then double-time to REM's "It's The End of the World", then half-time to Peaches & Herbs' "Reunited" THEN they did it to one guy's chime-y cell phone ring! AMAZING!

I totally knew girls like that in high school. Girls who got together for talent shows and made up thoroughly uninspired dance routines that you know they dig out every time they're gathered together and preface it by saying "Oh God! I wonder if I even remember it... let's see... does it go like - "

Yeah...

Anyway...

Ow.

Ouch.

My toe is going to be amputated.

Fuck.

See you tomorrow,

--- Aj

Bitch Salad Retrospecticus

Well... firstly...

It's a dark day.

Everyone's favourite chola boychild, Danny Noriega, got the boot in an unprecedentedly emotional episode of American Idol last night.

I returned home last night from my first night hosting at the downtown Yuk Yuk's club (something, by the by, that I didn't think I'd get to do for years so I'm super excited and happy that I got to and it went fantastically! yay!) only to find that Kady Malloy and Luke Menard were given the boot, to the surprise of no one.

Kady seemed ready. Her song was pretty brutal though. She was madly out of tune. It's like she was a brass instrument and she just went through a car wash 3 times. Eek. Luke Menard, on the other hand, should really consider dabbling in gay porn, or at least gay-for-pay porn. He's kind of hot, not gonna lie.

Anyway - upset no. 1 of the night - Kristy Lee Cook stays in favour of Asia'H Epperson. It was that song, honey. Do me a favour everyone who ever competes on Idol in the future: NEVER SING WHITNEY HOUSTON'S "I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY". You WILL be kicked off immediately. It was super sad. She was super pretty (in a sort of CW sitcom sort of way), had a fantastic, unique voice and her dad died. Shitty.

However, no one could have possibly prepared themselves for what was coming next. Danny Noriega is passed over for Chikezie. A million homos scream "NO!!!" to the heavens simultaneously. Well, not all of them. But still...

Oooh-howdy I was pissed off. And that's strange. Typically, I've got gallons of haterade and blind jealousy going for gays who are granted access to a public forum - particularly when they define their entire being by their culture and the cliches wherein (*cough*Sean Gehon*cough*) - but not Danny. I loved that little he-chola. He was so ballsy and I liked that. I can relate. Whatwhatwhat.

Anyballs...

BITCH SALAD HAPPENED ON TUESDAY!

Here's my requisite recap...

First things first, the mix I made before hand was amazing. Holy fuck. I outdid myself, if I do say so myself. I fucking LOVED it. Which is great, because that pleases my key demographic and the only person who actually cares about the music beforehand - me. Good grief.

First comic of the night was the one, the only SHANNON LAVERTY!!! Here's Shannon's story: at the age of 21, she moved to Toronto from Saskatchewan, where she'd been hitting the open mic scene for a year and a half. This is the early 90's. Shannanigan's style is loose, sly and sexually aggressive. She's told for years that 'she's too dirty' and 'people don't want to see women on stage talking about stuff like that'. This is a pre-Sex & The City world, mind you - before it was 'discovered' that women actually did talk like that. I think it's so important that female comics today realize the uphill battles she's had to trek and the dead ends she's needed to bust through to blaze that trail. Hmph.

B'aaanyway. Shannon is someone who talks to the audience, and she's the best. That terrifies me. TERRIFIES. I could never - at least, right now - throw caution and my act to the wind, ask someone "where are you from?" and materialize 5 minutes of funny stuff out of that, let alone the half an hour that Shannon can. It's mystifying.

Next up were the thoroughly hilarious Jan Caruana and Stefanie Drummond! So you know that my big thing was "holy fuck! It's the chicks from Mean Girls!"... yeah... guess who COMPLETELY FORGOT TO EVEN MENTION THAT THEY WERE IN THAT FUCKING MOVIE WHEN HE INTRODUCED THEM... ... ... in case there's any sort of confusion there, I'm talking about me. Yeah.

Anyballs, they came up and their schtick consisted of talking shit about Lindsay Lohan. It was hilarious and little more complex than it sounds. The premise was that they'd go up and talk about all these nice things she did while she was in town filming Mean Girls (ie. placing puppies in adoption programs, educating orphans on the street) but make it sound like she was doing these crazy cunty things... it was hilarious.

And of course I got Stef to deliver that line "Everyone thinks I'm a slut because I wear super jumbo tampons. But it's not my fault that I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina". That was kind of the high point of my life. I get the impression that Stef's a little sick of saying it though. I guess her and the "where's the beef" lady have more in common than I had previously thought.

Next up - Rebecca Kohler!!! There's nothing that I love more at The 'Salad than taking a young, attractive, contemporary female comic with fantastic material and sass to spare who I see struggle with a typical 'comedy club' audience that can't digest a female comic who's not Rita Rudner-esque and seeing them KILL IT with the Bitch Salad audience. That was the case with Katherine Ryan, that was the case with Sara Hennessey, and that was certainly the case with Rebecca. It was the only time that I really saw her material done justice by the audience and it was FANTASTIC to see!

She also booked a Video On Trial off of the night, so that's a bonus, too. = ) --- More of a bonus is that I'm on the episode as well. So holy fuck it's just a win/win/win/win/win.

Inessa Frantowski blows my fucking mind. First off - the girl is just lovely. You couldn't ask for a lovlier person, really. Second off - the character she did was AMAZING. I didn't take a picture of it and I'll rue that for the rest of my life. She was bedecked in a short gray wig, a short sleeve plaid shirt and high-waisted kahkis that came up easily past her navel. The character was this really stammery, tangential, over-sensitive middle-aged woman who over-explained and justified things talking about how she wished she could have done something heroic at 9/11. You just had to be there. LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!

In a new segment at the 'Salad, my dear gal-pal and burgeoning comic genius Heidi Brander took the stage to deliver some hard-hitting news through the use of puns. Yes, PUNS. Heidi can weave puns like no other... the feature was called "Headlines: With News Corres-PUN-dant Heidi Brander". In betwixt each item, a slide whistle would sound to absolutely hilarious consquences. Check this shit out:

An historic section of downtown Toronto was destroyed recently, as a fire gutted
several buildings on Queen West. Though the blaze was devastating, firefighters
expressed relief that it did not originate in Greektown… because it’s really
hard to put out a Greece fire.

Relations between the Chinese and
the Taiwanese governments are at an all-time low. One explanation for this could
be that the delegates from both countries have Taipei
personalities.

According to a recent poll in celebrity gossip magazine Us
Weekly, 80% of males aged 18-35 are fans of Angelina Jolie, 60% of women aged
49-65 are fans of Tom Cruise, and a whopping 98% of dyslexic gamblers are fans
of Jack Black.

Development officers have announced plans to set up an NGO
to support the marginalized members of Toronto’s bisexual community. When asked
what the newly established bisexual NGO will be called, officials responded,
“B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O…”

Just in time for High School Musical
3, Disney has announced plans to release a life-size Zac Efron doll.
Unfortunately for Canadians, the doll will only be available in the United
States, meaning the Zac Efron doll is likely not worth the cost of shipping. But
it’s TOTALLY worth the cost of handling.

Yes. It was a thrilling debut. I was all too pleased.

Then of course, there's Debra DiGiovanni. What can I possibly say about Debra that hasn't been said? She's one of the biggest names and freshest voices in comedy today. And one of the fucking nicest people you'll ever meet. All too often when you start out - I think, with anything... but especially in show biz - you meet people that you idolize or who've been really successful and you build yourself up for this momentous experience with greatness and you're just COMPLETELY let down about how a.) boring or b.) much of an asshole they are. Not Debra. I first met Debra two years ago - March, 2006. I was doing an all-new material night and she was hosting. I met her backstage right before I went on and she was immediately familiar and gracious.

Anyballs - since then I am just so delighted beyond belief whenever I've had the opportunity to work with her. She's truly a class act. Moreover, the fact that I know her has gotten me laid - on more than one occasion, btw - doesn't hurt, either.

I'm off.

To do things that Andrews do.

Smell ya later,

--- Aj

Idol Wrap Up AND SO MUCH MORE!

First things first:

Well it was another gruesome battle, but the Bitches You Loved and Hated for February have been decided...

Narrowly beating out my personal pick, LeiLani Billard, for Bitch You Loved In February, none other than the lovely and talented Tina Fey!!!


She'll go up against the Bitch You Loved in January, Carol Channing, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...

And, to my personal surprise and delight, the Bitch YOU Hated in February was none other than hysterical cooter-chompee, Chola CuchiMuncho!!!

She'll go up against the Bitch You Hated in January, Tom Cruise, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...

Second things second:

IDOL.

BOYS.

Luke Menard is gone. Singing Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", something tells me he'll never be waking up. In that he'll be sleeping. In that he'll be dead because he's gone. Going first + bad song choice + cynical-yet-inoffensive comments from the judges = gone.

David Archuleta continues his stranglehold on complete and utter Idol domination. He was able to serve up the exact same convincing flavour of cheese that Phil Collins did. Again, not my thing but I get it. So magnanimous of him to sing that in order to draw attention to the plight of the homeless. Somebody's going to heaven!

Danny Noriega is fierce. I have said it before and I will say it again. Fresh off the heels of some old myspace video blogs of him sporting a dew rag, swearing and proclaiming he's gay he goes and does the most audaciously faggy thing ever on that show - sings Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" with purple streaks up in his head... FIERCE! I am crossing everything that can be crossed on my body that he makes the Top 12...

Resident "stripper who had performed fully nude for a mostly-male crowd" David Hernandez stood out more for those shocking revelations than for his take on "It's All Coming Back To Me Now"? What's coming back to you now, David? The genital warts you contracted by tea-bagging skeezy old dudes in the strip joint you worked at for 'a mostly-male audience'? Someone get him some oigggnment, shoot.

Michael Johns did "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds and Randy said that he did Michael Hutchence of INXS proud. Whoops. From what I remember - if I try really hard - is that he did a pretty serviceable rendition of it. But the irony is that after that, I do think people will forget about him...

David Hook donned his axe once again and did a very emo-ized version of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" - a really, isn't Lionel emo enough as it is? No no no - he did a very good job of it. I still get a very "Comic Book Guy" from The Simpsons-vibe from him, though.

Jason Castro should have sung "Lost In Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson because that's what happens to me when I watch him perform/speak. The man is a dreamboat - and I almost never subscribe that kind of shit. Like literally, I've been hot for Jonathan Brandis (may God rest his soul) and Jason Castro. I thought he did brilliantly tonight - great song choice. I'm really happy to see him gaining steam. It's very reminiscent of Bo Bice's rise to front runner status circa Season 4.

And then there's Chikezie. [Sung like the Maude theme song] "And then there's Chikezie! And then there's Chikezie!"... ummm, yeah... that kinda works better with a one-syllable name... no matter... Bah... he would have been prime candidate to be sent homeward-bound alongside Luke Menard, but now, because of his pimp-spot placement, he'll be causing and upset tonight.

GIRLS

Asia'H Epperson did herself exactly 0.0 favours picking Whitney's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody". Despite the fact that Whitney sang every last fibre of shit out of it, it's really never perceived as a singer's song. It's kinda like "Groove Is In The Heart" in that respect... there are definitely some notes to be had there, but it's just too ingrained into people's head as a fun, party song if-not a jock jam *GASP*. I thought it was fine. Her face really shows it when she's unsure if she's going to be note perfect, though.

Kady Malloy continues her bloody, exhaustive march towards death by singing "Who Wants To Live Forever" by Queen. Who wants to live forever, indeed - something tells me not Kady... particularly by basically conceding to the fact that she thought she should have gone home instead of Alaina Whitaker (and Alexandrea Lushington, may I add) last week in her red room pre-interview. On the bright side, at least she'll leave on a high note as her performance last night wasn't out-and-out brutal. On a very, very dark note... two words: Hayley Scarnato. Kady could not only totally make it into the Top 12, but last for quite some time... because if there's one thing that Hayley Scarnato showed us, fucking anything is possible on this show...

Amanda Overmyer went back to basics tonight with a rollicking take on Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You". Methinks a lot - not all, but a lot - of the damage she did with last week's "Carry On My Wayward Son" will be reconciled and her base will be re-energized after last night. She's still as uncomfortable as a sea gull wearing a tracking collar on stage, though. And VERY off putting with her perceived ambivalence when getting the judges' feedback.

No secret: I love every inch of Carly Smithson. Even though I thought she got a little shrill in the higher notes of Cyndi Lauper's "I Drove All Night", I totally agreed with Randy when he said that watching her go for those is like watching someone blast targets with a cannon. Bitch is fierce. I think it's safe to say that Carly's consistency, excellence and dynamism has won over any haters who thought her previous life as MCA recording artist Carly Hennessey by this point.

Kristy Lee Cook makes me barf. I can't stands the bitch no way. I really didn't think her countrified take on Journey's "Faithfull" was all that artful and worthy of the lauding it got. I didn't think it was understated; it was unsure. And I'm sorry, bitch could not remotely pull off what she attempted to at the end of the performance. Ugh. PS - Jean Smart from Designing Women called and she wants her head back.

Ramiele Malubay is not great. She's got a lovely voice with all sort of 'colours' to it, but she's got the depth of a bird bath. "Against All Odds"? Really? Apparently she's got quite an ardent fan base though, so expect to see her sail through...

Brooke White is gettin' on my last nerve - and something tells me I'll need to develop a few more nerves, because bitch is gonna be around for a while. I really have nothing to say about her whimpering, acoustic take on the Goddess Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield" other than what I said about her before: although Brooke's homogenized, ethereal singer-songwriter thing is unique in this competition - and responsible for her appeal - it's far from unique in the music industry. Is her seeing-eye pony of a voice really going to be able to compete with the mighty steed of a voice like yer Carly's or yer Syesha's when it comes down to it? NO!

As much as I think she's an arrogant, smug little beyotch, Syesha Mercado worked it out tonight. That little Whitney nugget, "Saving All My Love For You" is no walk in the park - it's rangy as hell, requiring someone to go from the top of their chest voice to the bottom of their chest voice to the top of their operatic voice to the top of their chest voice again and again - but she handled it with an unappreciated ease.

GONE -

On both sides of the coin tonight, it's anyone's guess.

Although Luke Menard and Kady Malloy are the most likely candidates, anything's possible. Well, Luke's certainly less possible, but still.

Beyond those two, I'd have to wager that for the boys Michael Johns will be in danger. I just see him slipping through the cracks - I don't think he's given anyone a reason to vote for him beyond the fact that he's competent. Otherwise, Danny Noriega - and believe me, I'm spittin on the ground, knocking wood and throwing salt behind me as I say this - could find himself out there based on his sheer audacity.

On the girls side, in terms of talent, it should be Kristy Lee Cook, but something tells me that lanky bimbess will slide through. At this point, it looks like Carly, Brooke, Amanda and Syesha have each made their cases and carved out their niches, so I'd be worried right now if I was Asia'H and/or Ramiele. Whomever has the bigger fan base will prevail.

Bitch Salad roundup tomorrow!
--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Bitches Hated

Hiya friends, friends of friends, and the rest of you...

Absolute first things first:

TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!!

That's right - the next installment of Bitch Salad fucking happens TONIGHT!!!

It's going to be so incredible... for real, this lineup is the things that dreams are made of. Like are you a Jihadist terrorist? This is going to be so much more magnificent, so much more fantastical than Harem that it's just gonna fuck your cause right up. It will discombobulate you and you will love it...

Featuring:

DEBRA DiGIOVANNI!!! If you haven't seen her live - you must. A master fucking class in comedy, let me tell ya.


SHANNON LAVERTY!!! Same thing goes for Shannon - she does shit on stage that I could never hope to do. She's been working coast to coast and burg to berg for a coon's age, but in a pre-Sex & The City world, was constantly told that she was 'too dirty' and "people don't want to see a woman on stage talking about that stuff". She's just absolutely incredible.

JAN CARUANA & STEFANIE DRUMMOND!!! Again, the same notion applies to Jan Caruana - if you've seen her improvise, you know that her powers are frightening. Holy fuck. And Stefanie Drummond has an inherent comedic genius that people would trade body parts for - talents that on full display, of course, in the film "Mean Girls"... I am SO excited for this...

REBECCA KOHLER!!! Another fucking fantastic, acerbic, contemporary female comic that I had the pleasure of working with when I spent that little stint in LA at the end of last year -

INESSA FRANTOWSKI!!! Part of the Sketchersons and mainstay of "Sunday Night Live", I love this woman. The highlight for me of any Sunday Night Live is Inessa's costume changes. For real. She is so particularly attired every time she comes on stage and as Oprah says, love is in the details. Couldn't be more true.

And of course, the entire evening is hosted by me. I don't think I need to blurb myself. Blurb myself. That sounds dirty. I think I'll blurb myself after the show tonight. Maybe even blurb myself to sleep. Yeah. That sounds nice.

So that's that. COME!

In other news:

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

THIS CHICK

Who: Good question. I have no idea who she is or where she's from. The only thing I do know is that on July 8th, 1993, she beat the unholy shit out of her no-good boyfriend and someone had the presence of mind to whip out their camcorder.
Why I Love Her: Yeah. This woman is EASILY the hottest bitch alive. High points of that video: When she drags him down the street on all fours with his shirt over his head and spectators yell "Walkin' the dawg!" and of course, when a little kid runs up to her and she says "Please do not show me dat at dis point in time". AMAZING.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

LAUREN CLERI

Who: Ghastly whore who went on "Moment of Truth" (that show where people hook themselves up to a lie detector and answer crazily personal questions and jeopardize their relationships in hopes of winning some cash) and admitted to cheating on her husband. For admitting that, she won $100,000. The next question was "do you think you are a good person?". She answered 'yes'. According to the lie detector, bitch was lying. HA! She lost all the money... Since then she's done a slew of interviews and has admitted that she's surprised she's not rolling in acting offers.
Why I Hate Her: It's actually not the fact that she sold out her relationship and ruined her (now ex-)husband's life for blind financial opportunity that bothers me. It's the fact that that potato-headed bitch thought this would catapult her into a career in the entertainment industry. Barf.

K.

That's it for today.

I am so exhausted.

I'll be fresh as a daisy tonight, though.

COME TO BITCH SALAD!!! 8 PM TONIGHT!!! BUDDIES IN BAD TIMES - 12 ALEXANDER ST.!!! 8 FUCKING DOLLARS!!!

If you don't, you're a more horrible person than Lauren Cleri.

Unless you actually ARE Lauren Cleri and beyond the fact that you cheated on your husband and humiliated him and yourself on national television, you're also not planning on coming to Bitch Salad... well... may God have mercy on your soul...

--- Aj

Guess What I Won't Be Watching...

Hellohellohello.

Is everyone's ass sufficiently rocked from that Madonna track? I gathered as much.

So, Ellen Page on SNL. Yeah yeah yeah. I came home Saturday night lookin' and feelin' a HOT mess, grabbed me a bag of Quaker crispy minis and made short work of it. Initially, I found it very underwhelming and entirely unhillarious, but upon revisiting it in a sober state, I've concluded that it was actually quite funny.

The Dakota Fanning show is fucking genius.

Dakota: "Who's your current celebrity crush?"
Girl: "Umm, Zac Efron"
Dakota: "Mine's Charlie Rose!"

That Peter Pan sketch made me barf it was so ridiculous. The Diablo Cody by-way-of Andy Samberg thing was hysterical - and also potentially inspirational in terms of this year's Hallowe'en costume, by the by. Lovely to see Virginica Hasting, as per always ("I'm only 18!", "Inches?"). NOT lovely to see that Maya Rudolph has not yet returned. I've gotta tell ya, I'm holding my breath here. And it's not comfortable...

Obviously, the out and out highlight of the night was "The Other, OTHER Boleyn Girl" - a joke I had already made last week on my facebook status with respective photoshopping:


... But yeah. They did it on SNL. I can only assume that they took a page from me, though. Yeah? Yeah? No.

And of course the sketch that everyone's talking about - the very last sketch of the evening which everyone's touting as Ellen Page's big coming out moment:

I watched it and was like "Was that supposed to be funny? Or did she just spend 3 minutes unfunnily coming out?" Still unclear.

Anyway...

As I do, I was perusing tonight's television listings on the good old Zap2It.com - as I don't like to be left in the dark if a program of interest is on - and noted SEVERAL things on tonight that I won't be watching.

1.) My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, 8 PM, City TV

Oh Jesus Christ. Really? Has it come to this? Fuck.

Yep. In the place of the awesomeness that was the second coming of American Gladiators, the suits at NBC dreamed up this little miracle... May God help us all...

A Mark Burnett creation, "MDIBTYD" will see four dads paired up with their kids compete in stunts, quizzes and general tomfoolery.

There are Four Rounds:

Round 1: 'My Dad Is Stronger'. Apparently in the first episode the challenge was to see the dads destroy desks for two minutes and who ever does the most damage wins. Yeah. I'm not kidding.

Round 2: 'My Dad Is Faster'. Same deal. My dad sure as fuck wouldn't win that challenge. When you drive with my father, every day is Sunday. Sheesh.

Round 3: 'My Dad Is Smarter'. This one's fucking genius... apparently they assume a quiz show format with questions popping up - only the kid rings their dad in, and dad has to answer the question. That's completely retarded.

Round 4: "My Dad Is Braver". From what I can tell, this is just sort of Round 1 + Round 2 combined. The first episode sees them carrying around a pane of glass trying to dodge newspapers that are being shot at them from the rival dad. It all just seems to be getting more retarded by the second...

Round 5: "My Dad Knows Me Best". Pretty self-explanatory. They get 10,000 bucks for each right answer.

Holy fuck. This shit just reeks of Americana... and that in itself smells like pig spunk. Fuck. Like for real - look up "Americana" and this fucking show should be referenced as the most accurate embodiment ever. They might as well have just televised a potato-sack race and called it a fucking day. Whatever.

2.) Toller Cranston: The Art of Being, 9 PM, Bravo

Let's not holler for Toller.

Oh Jesus. Toller Cranston makes me want to barf and cry at the same time - so profusely, that I don't know what's barf and what's tears.

Known as the godfather of Figure Skating, he's now a painter living in Mexico. Not like painting houses, mind you, but actually making art work.

Have you ever seen this assache in interviews? He's like this elfin prince from another realm. It absolutely drives me nuts.

Anyway - there's an hour-long fucking documentary on tonight about Toller, in the autumn of his years, and his art.

I have to imagine that it's going to be insufferable.

Something I WILL be watching, however...

Mr. & Mrs. Smith, 8 PM, Global

Oh hells yes. The movie that started it all.

I saw it in theatres years ago when it came out, which is very unlike me as I never venture to the theatre, let alone to see an action film.

But I did. It was smack dab in the middle of all the swirling rumours that they were together and Angelina sexily snatched Brad from America's sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston. I was sitting there, in a packed Cineplex with everyone else who was there for one reason and one reason only: because we felt that if we saw this movie, we might be granted some sort of insight into these rumours that would only be exclusive to us. Really, that's why everyone fucking went to that movie. To see if the chemistry was real.

And boy-o was it ever. Shit. The shit sizzled. And yeah, it's not a bad movie either. I'll probably take it in for a second time...

Something I'll DEFINITELY be watching:

TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW!!!

Yes.

If you don't come, I'll kill myself.

Then haunt you.

Specifically, you're asshole.

--- Aj

This shit is gonna be HUGE...

... And no, this isn't just an asinine Bitch Salad post, but, since you brought it up:

O-M-G - THREE DAYS!!! HOLY FUCK!!!

But yeah...

A little birdy posted a HIGH QUALITY RADIO RIP OF MADONNA'S LATEST OFFERING - "4 Minutes To Save The World" - that little three-way she had with Timbaland and Justin Timberlake.

Okay... this shit is potentially too hot to even exist at all.

Be prepared to hear nothing except this song for the next 6 months. Like I'm predicting this to blow up to "Umbrella-ella-ella-ella"-esque proportions. It is just gut-wretchingly, knee-bucklingly, ass-burstingly, earth-shatteringly, getting-fucked-up-against-a-chain-linked-fence amazing.

Do yourself the greatest favour you will do all year and download/listen to it HERE!

Right? Right? Awesome! Very contemporary. I was afraid when I had heard that she was trying to work in contemporary hip-hop I was bracing myself for another old-lady-tries-to-get-jiggy-with-it debacle a-la "American Life" - but NO. This shit is awesome.

And yes - it's a radio rip, off of a station that I have to assume is in France. But yeah...

Enjoy it while it lasts - I'm pretty certain that Madonna has scoured the earth and found the last remaining heads of the Nazi Gestapo and employed them to comb the Internet and find people who are un-legally sharing her music. (I don't believe sharing music is illegal... it's un-legal.)

Anyway - if you haven't already, and I know that 95% of you haven't, VOTE for the the Bitch You LOVED and HATED in February. Currently, Tina Fey and LeiLani Billard are battling it out for Bitch You Loved (sorry Darcel... maybe in another life), and it's a Hispanic hate-fest raging betwixt baby-killer Carmen Molina and genital-mutilation-by-way-of-canine-enthusiast Chola Cuchimuncho. VOTE!!!

I'm off - have a blissful Saturday!

--- Aj

That "Top 10 Supermodels who SHOULD have replaced Twiggy instead of Paulina BORE-oskova on ANTM" Blog

Happy Friday to y' and y'rs...

Firstly - thank you Kitchener. You're just lovely, lovely people. Last night's show was a blast and a half. And I finally got things cleared up as to exactly what separates Kitchener & Waterloo - it's a river and a few street signs, apparently. And not, as I had guessed, a wall that houses a communist city-state on one side and Westernized values on t'other.

Secondly - I can promise you this: starting today at 8 PM, I am going to sleep for 48 hours straight. I'm effin' wiped. I will only wake up to catch Ellen Page host SNL and resurface sometime Sunday night to prepare for the next installment of Bitch Salad -

WHICH IS JUST 4 MOTHERFUCKING DAYS AWAY!!! AHHHH!!!

Thirdly - Okay. So I missed the mark HUGECORE last night on Idol. The only one of my predictions that came true was Jason Yaeger-Bomb. Who actually looked surprised. Jesus.

I was pleasantly surprised to see Robbie Carrico sent packing as well. My throat is that much more comfortable now knowing it won't have notions that Robbie's a ROCKER shoved down it constantly from now on.

On the girls side: SHOCKING. Well, sort of. I was really disappointed to see Alexandrea Lushington leave us... I really hate it when they sing songs that are really fitting when they depart - shit that all of a sudden becomes really literal. Such as "If You Leave Me Now". Or "Hopelessly Devoted To You" - the song that did supposed "dark horse" Alaina Alexander in.

Who the balls saw that one comin'? When Ryan brought her and the inexplicably sustaining Kady Malloy centre stage, everyone in the world was expecting Kady to be served her walking papers - no one more so than Kady, by the looks of it. The look on her face when she found out she was safe and t'was instead Alaina going home was priceless. PRICELESS. I swear to Christ I watched it like 13 times. It was like "I have so thoroughly accepted that I am going home this week... here comes my name... here comes my name... I'm going to thank my family and America for voting for me... then I'm going to sing "Magic Man" again, and it's going to suck again... I totally won't cry because I SO know that I'm going home... then, I'm going to go back to the hotel and pack my curling iron- WHAT THE FUCK?! I'M SAFE?!"

Then Alaina had a crackdown that y'haven't seen in a coon's age on that program. I thought she was gonna run off stage or something - it was awesome. Ahhh well. And that's done.

In other reality programming news, America's Next Top Model debuted its 10th season this past week, and it was revealed that the resident "oldest living supermodel" spot on the judge's panel is now occupied by Paulina Poroskova, who has now replaced Twiggy (who herself replaced Janice Dickinson).

Naturally, I'm not sold on this decision. Mind you, I was never a fan of Twiggy, but I was getting used to her I suppose. At least she was a bonafide fashion Icon, if not a crazy bitch like Janice.

But Paulina Poroskova?! She's fucking NEITHER! I can think of about a million choices that would have been more suitable and more effective to occupy the "eccentric retired supermodel with years of wisdom in the business to impart on fledgling pseudo-models".

And, since it's Friday - a day made for countdowns - here is my list of Top 10 Crazy, Old-As-Hell Retired Models Who SHOULD Have Replaced Twiggy Instead of Paulina BORE-oscova!!!

Some omissions before we begin: Supermodels already attached to fashion-reality shows (Heidi Klum, Elizabeth Hurley, Iman) are inelligable; Naomi Campbell is inelligable due to the fact that Tyra openly despises her; Giselle Bundchen is inelligable because I think she's a skank.

Annnnnd we begin -

10.) LINDA EVANGELISTA

Linda Evangelista clocks in at 42 years old and hails from St. Catherine's, Ontario, CANADA! WOO-HOO. She entered modelling in 1978 upon winning the Miss Teen Niagara Pageant - which, I have to assume was filled with some real fuckin' beauts... if you know the Niagara regian local aesthetic, I'm sure you can understand. Aaaanyway - she was one of the Big 5 Supermodels back in the day... along with Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Christy Turlington - her claims to fame include kick-starting the whole "women having short, boyish haircuts" movement, lip synching George Michael songs and speaking the now-infamous quote "I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day". With blithe arrogance like that, I'm certain she would have been an asset at the ANTM judging table.

9.) JEAN SHRIMPTON

Jean Shrimpton is 65 years old and comes to us from Buckinghamshire, England. A staple of Londontowne in the swinging 60's, "The Shrimp" help make the emaciated, working class waif the gold standard that all models must abide by since. "But wait, aren't you talking about Twiggy?" Yeah... her and Twiggy are pretty much interchangable. They rose to fame at pretty much the same time in pretty much the same place for pretty much the same reasons. Her claim to fame, besides inventing anorexia, is that she wore the first miniskirt... EVER! Apparently bakc in 1965 she went to this huge hoity-toity sporting affair wearing a white skirt that went - *GASP* - above the knee. This was a huge fucking deal at the time. It spurred a revolution. Skanks have been rejoicing ever since. Seeing as her and Twiggy are basically the same person, and she'd have that whole "I wore the first mini-skirt EVER" thing going for her, I can't see her being out of place on the ANTM panel.

8.) CAROL ALT

Carol Alt rings in at 47 years old and hails from Long Island, NY. Rocketing to fame in the early 90's via the Sport Illustrated sensation, Carol is yet another model who claims to be the first super model - she claims that title was given to her by then-head of Elite Models blah blah blah. She's gone on to star in a bunch of movies (mostly European for whatever reason) and wrote a book about the Raw diet - all raw foods, all the time. Currently, she can be seen proving her business acumen and tussling with Z-Listers Omorosa and Stephen Baldwin in the final episodes of The Celebrity Apprentice (a show that I swear to Christ I'm the only person watching). Opinionated and clearly at ease in a reality show environment, I think Carol would be a welcome addition to the ANTM inner circle.

7.) VERUSCHKA

Countess Vera von Lehndorff-Steinort, better known as Veruschka, is 68 years old and was born into an affluent family in Prussia (now Russia). Her father was a Nazi resister and tried (and failed) to assassinate Adolf Hitler! Well Adolf didn't take too kindly to that and had her father hanged. She spent many years in various labor camps until the end of the war, that then saw her study art in Hamburg. She was discovered by a photographer whilst there and her career as a model took off under her mysterious moniker "Veruschka". Towards the end of the 70's, she moved away from modelling and into the art world, becoming one of Salvador Dali's muses. From what I can gather, she had quite a penchant for body painting. Anyway - the woman's batshit nuts, peaked during the cocaine and art scene of the late 1970's and still looks good at almost 70. Isn't that more than enough reason to add her to the Top Model panel?

6.) JERRY HALL

Jerry Hall is 52 years old and hails from Mesquite, Texas. Weird, right? I always thought she was British. She's kind of got a British accent. That's kinda fucked. Annnnyballs - this 6-foot stunner is yet another model who came of age in the fast and nasty 1970's, starting by treading the catwalks of Paris and eventually repping makeup giants like Revlon - but it's undoubtably her penchant for rock stars that have brought her most of her notoriety. Specifically, her turbulent decades-long affair with Mick Jagger. They finally stopped kidding themselves and called it quits for good a few years back, despite the fact that they share 4 children together. Of late, Jerry starred in her own reality show entitled "Kept" - which saw her put a dozen bachelors through charm school intending to annoit one as her new mate... yeah, it was fucking horrible. I think I watched 3 minutes of one episode and was like 'THIS SUCKS!' More of late: she's now the global spokesperson for erectile aid Levitra. Anyway, she's crazy, she's a total bitch, she's a fame wore and she's lived hard. I couldn't think of a better fit for ANTM.

Palette Cleanser: DONYALE LUNA

Peggy-Anne Freeman, otherwise known as Donyale Luna, was born in 1945 in the Detroit projects (directly around the corner from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and Smokey Robinson, I'd have to assume. All those folks grew up around the block from each other back then, I swear...) Donyale was a big fucking deal when she broke in the mid-60's. At 6"2 and unimaginably thin, she was the muse of the greatest artists of her time: Warhol, Avedon, Fillini... the list goes on. She was the first black cover girl EVER - appearing on Harper's Bazaar and Vogue back in the mid 60's. But all was not right upstairs - described as 'always being in a dreamlike state' as a child, she developed an affinity for LSD and things just went to shit. Towards the end of her career, she started to develop some very erratic behaviour that included but is not limited to missing bookings, going everywhere barefoot and even speaking in her own alien language - shit that really is what dreams are made of in terms of having a crazy bitch judge on a modelling competition. Unfortunately that dream will never be realized as Luna passed away in 1979 at 34 years old.

5.) PEGGY MOFFITT

Peggy Moffit is a lucky 69 years old, heralds from California and is easily the hottest bitch alive. Alongside visionary and co-hort Rudi Gernreich, Peggy became the poster girl for the avant-garde Mod movement and, I'm quite certain, could see her 20-year-old self walk into any hipster fete wearing any of the clothes that she did back then and easily make Vice Magazine's "Do's" each and every time. Her signature look was very signature: heavy eye makeup inspired by Japanese Kabuki theatre and a modified bowl cut known at the time as "the five point". This woman is fucking awesome - LOOK AT HER! I'm still not sure that the world has caught up to her. She's clearly got an eye for what's next AND she's CLEARLY not afraid to go outside looking a busted mess, so for fuck sakes Tyra, PUT HER ON THAT PANEL!

4.) LAUREN HUTTON

Lauren Hutton is a big, bad 64 years old and hails from Charleston, North Carolina. The woman who many people stand in consensus with being the original supermodel, she was the first model to score a contract with a major costmetic chain and promote herself as a brand. Her healthy, earthly, All-American-girl image was a huge shit deal when it hit, and she parlayed that into a reasonably successful stint in film. A self-proclaimed "adventuress" and avid motorcylist, Hotton's lived fast and hard, suffering some significant injuries and had more than a few near-death experiences - Read: She's insane in the membrane. Read: She's perfect as a judge on ANTM. I'm actually really surprised that this one hasn't come to fruition... hmmm...

3.) CARMEN DELL'OREFICE

Giving Peggy Moffitt a run for her money for hottest bitch alive, Carmen Dell'Orefice is a whopping 77 YEARS OLD and comes from New York. Talk about aging gracefully - still treading the catwalks and mugging for the cameras, this septugenarian has vowed to "die with my high heels on". She had her first Vogue cover at age 15 and has been working steadily since. I'd have to imagine someone with a career that spans 7 decades might have a pearl of wisdom or two to impart in the ANTM world.

2.) GRACE JONES

Ohhhhhh shit. 59-year-old Grace Mendoza is originally from Jamaica, but relocated to Syracuse and became Grace Jones soon thereafter. After a stint in Paris (in which she roomed with fellow list-er, Jerry Hall) she moved to New York and because of her bizarre, cutting-edge, androgynous appearance, became the toast of the downtown subculture. A record-deal and modest yet impacting career as a recording artist followed - largely with dance music. This lasted, believe it or not, for three decades or so. Also dabbling in movies, her more prominent credits include "Boomerang" with Eddie Murphy and the unforgettable Mayday in "James Bond: A View To A Kill". She's a tastemaker and an iconic image, plain and simple. She's got balls six ways to Sunday. She's be absolutely perfect...

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) JANICE DICKINSON

Oh hells to the yes. Biggest mistake ever? Getting rid of Janice Dickinson in the first place. No one could possibly do it like Janice, a fact that's not lost on her absolutely amazing reality show, "The Janice Dickinson Modelling Agency". If you haven't seen this show, youtube it. You must. It's amazing. Easily better than America's Next Top Model ever was. No one could cuss a girl out or blithely champion a blatantly anorexic girl like Janice. And I doubt anyone ever will.

Annnyway... looks like we're stuck with Paulina BORE-oskova for a while. Oh well.

In other news:

VOTE! For the Bitch YOU Loved In February HERE! And for the Bitch YOU Hated in February HERE!

Polls close on Monday!!!

I'm off to nap...

--- Aj