Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I Know Who Killed Lindsay Lohan

Ohhhh Lindsay...

It seems like only yesterday that I went to see "Mean Girls"... Tina Fey's opus supreme about the wilds of life as a teenage girl in this day and age. T'was the coming-of-age film that would herald the graduation of a little-known, freckly child star into buxom, raspy-voiced breakout film star - a little gal from Long Island named Lindsay Dee Lohan.

She showed so much promise to take over Hollywood - with her distinctive voice, oodles of talent, loads of popularity and a voluptuous figure that seemed poised to redefine Hollywood's standards of body image.

I'm reminded that it was very much not yesterday, however. As no. 1.) it was the summer of 2004, the summer between graduation from University and entering 'real life' and that seems like decades ago at this point, and a not-as-significant no. 2.) this is Lindsay Lohan now:

Yesterday marked the second arrest for DUI in the past year for the barely 21-year-old. To make things worse for her: she's fresh off the heels of a stint in rehab that was supposedly so definitive, bitch wore an alcohol-detector ankelet-thing. To make things even worse for her: she was involved in a high-speed car chase in pursuit of her former assistant's mother around the streets of Santa Monica in the wee hours of the morning. To make things worse for the environment: the two cars were SUV's. How very un-green of her and hers.

Actually, there are a lot of things that make this worse for her. It's the opening weekend for her latest film, "I Know Who Killed Me", and all promotional appearances she was scheduled to make have been cancelled/attended to by Rob Schneider in her place. This is the second film thats promotion has suffered because of this, and several projects she's attached to right now have needed to dramatically alter their schedule because of her behaviour of late. Word from Hollywood big wigs is that this string of events is going to make her uninsurable in the future - and if you'ze uninsurable in this business, you'ze done.

On one hand, I feel incredibly sorry for her because she's clearly victim of proven hereditary alcoholism. Yep. Turns out that old addage of "I've got an addictive personality" isn't so much a character trait as it is a genetic disease. Case in point: LiLo's father, Michael, who himself just finished 2 years in the clink/big house/hoozpah/mekonk/chinchanflerb (*note, not all of those are popular slang for prison) for a DUI. More case in point: Judy Garland and Liza Minnelli. That list goes on and on and on.

Beyond whatever genetic predisposition she has to drugs and alcohol, it's clear as day that she's surrounded by 'yes' men and fairweather friends acting solely on the interest of how long they can continue their ride on the rollercoaster ride that is Lindsay Lohan. At the top of this pyramid of bad influences, her mother, Dina "White Oprah" Lohan:
That is the face of a pimp. Straight up, y'all.

What makes me feel considerably less bad and considerably more disturbed about this situation is news that Lindsay has been acting as her own inside source to the paparazzi - tipping them off when and where she's going to be and charging upwards to and including 30 grand for this. So does she like it? Does she, in fact, like the lifestyle she's living?

I don't know man. I think this shit is getting out of control and someone needs to step in. I like to make the analogy of "Will she end up Dana or Drew?" - in that will this whole story wind up like Dana Plato, child actress and star of "Different Strokes" who took one of the heaviest free falls to hell in the history of Hollywood, or Drew Barrymore, child-star and former hardcore partygirl who cleaned herself up and put herself back on the A List. Well A-List at one time, anyway...

Unlike Britney Spears who I've always thought was untalented hobag with a horseshoe up her ass that I actually couldn't care less about in my current human form, I like Lindsay Lohan. I just do. And I'm really, really hoping for a Drew here. But something tells me to not rule out a Dana.

This wasn't a very funny blog at all. Sorry.

--- Aj