Thursday, July 19, 2007

"To Catch A Predator" should be on TV every hour of the day...

Ahhh primetime television. When television's biggest stars come out to shine.
Well, maybe not.

This blog is pretty much going to be recapping my television viewing from 8 PM until 11 PM last night and hope that it's remotely eventful.

First things first:

You may remember 8 weeks ago or some shit, I did a snap judgement on the current crop of girls from Canada's Next Top Model, whose denouement came last night. I heard from some people asking/aksin' me why they hadn't heard me mention even a whisper about it since.

Well, that was partly because I guess I just had other things to blog about, but also in part to the fact that I didn't want to hex my favourite from winning. Looks like it worked - that gawky, village-of-the-damned-lookin' bitch Rebecca won!!! Yaaaay!!!

She was by far my favourite from day 1 and I'm so thrilled about that. And it was actually down to the best two - which was shocking. I was expecting that either Sinead (adorable) or Rebecca (haute haute haute) would be eliminated in favour of Supertranny Tara or Miss Thornhill 2006 Tia. How did that Tia bitch get so far? I mean is that supposed to be pretty? Really? Wow. Yeah.

But no - anyway - expect to hear stories about the entire Top 10 of them being signed to the same agency and my friend Mike calling them all in back-to-back-to-back for another Lavalife add like he did with last season's batch. *pats hands together as if done making a loaf of bread*.


This was hardly news to anyone in the know, as Internet spoilers spoil'd this what must have been months ago, but God bless Debra, she dutifully maintained that it was a secret until she left a few days ago.

The first installment of the semi-finals was last night and if you cared about comedy, y'watched. If you don't, y'didn't. And that's fine. Just skip ahead of my commentary.

A few things of note:

- Despite the fact that the majority of them have upwards to and including decades of experience in the business under their belts, they sure looked pretty distracted by the vastness of the house. I'd have thought they'd be used to it by now. Hmm. A lot of their sets were over before they began - you could read looks of worry and self-doubt in their faces as clear as the print in an elderly persons' hymn book. I guess I just come from the school of "GAME FACE GAME FACE GAME FACE" and I'm "on" from the second I get to the gig, but whatevs. I'm sure I'm talking out of my ass as per usual.

I SOOO related with that Australian guy who tried this thing where he mimed reflecting the love from the audience back to them and made these little laser noises - afterwards he was like "Yeah. I thought that would work with American audiences". I would have had the same mentality. I wouldn't have done that, per se - but I would have had definitely had the notion to alter my material and add bizarre affectations thinking there are some things that would "go over with Americans". Poor dude.

Three very funny women on the episode: Debra (who we'll get to), Gina Yashere (who also made the finals... great look) and Sabrina Matthews. I think this woman is a genius. I can't understand how she didn't move on. She's fucking brilliant.

Two very unfunny women. Sarah Colonna (whose last name is far closer to Colonic than I'd ever wish for it to be for both her sake and the rest of humankind's) and some bitch who's name is Lori, I think. TERRIBLE. She did some bit about how her ex-husband was gay and she knew the day he left because her makeup was gone. THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!!! Don't get her started. Don't even get her started.

That Dante character beats out the relationship status on Facebook as the new bane of my existence. Three things that bother me about him: i.) He is so disingenuous and sooo playing a character to pander to the audience. ii.) He is so hammy and full of party tricks instead of actual material that will so appeal to the unwashed masses and cause him to outlast actual talent. iii.) Perhaps most irkingly, he's one of these clueless 30-something male comics who try and dress like a frat guy but you know they'd be sooo much more comfortable wearing a suit and carrying around a seltzer bottle. They are a fucking dime a dozen, let me tell ya.

Anyway - none of this is important. One of the greatest moments in TV History occurred for me when one Miss Debra DiGiovanni was told she was advancing. Genuine, GENUINE surprise followed by her mouthing "SHUT UP!". Amazing.
Finals start after next week. You like your soul? Wanna keep it? Vote for Debra. That's all.


Oooooooooh howdy. This used to be a guilty pleasure, but now it's a proud one. Wow. I can't tell you how much this show entertains me and how I absolutely cackle like a motherfucking witch when they bust these dudes.

For real. Last night there was this one guy who was in the army, had a wife and five kids, and was chatting to the 'decoy' - incidentally, that must be the greatest job in the world... being a decoy for sexual predators... chatting dirty with those motherfuckers all day then inviting them in for drinks and hymen only to have them busted by Chris Hanson and the cops... if only I wasn't so indistinguishably male and not-13... oh well... next life ---

Anyway - this 38-year old Army dude with a wife and 5 kids who's being deployed to Iraq in 2 weeks comes in with a CAMERA and just wants to get right down to business. Like RIGHT down to it. Then Chris Hanson comes in, he starts sweating BUCKETS and constantly revises his story telling him that he's there for his friend. They bring the chat transcripts out, about him wanting to fuck her in the ass and take pictures of him etc, then he leaves - as they all do, expecting nothing to happen - and the cops rush him, pull him to the ground and he dissolves in grown-man-tears. Is there any other kind?

And I cackle like a witch.

It makes me wonder - who's the worse human being? The dude who wants to have sex with a 13 year old, or me, for laughing at his pain.

Him. Yeah, totally him.

--- Aj