tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49128416322846931502024-03-12T16:02:51.711-07:00Bitch Saladandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.comBlogger165125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-1693587076494426962010-02-05T08:49:00.001-08:002010-02-05T13:01:39.493-08:00On The Topic Of: RuPaul's Drag Race, Season 2<div>Hi.<br /><br />So this is interesting: I'm blogging again.<br /><br />Yeah, I kind of dropped if for a while... almost a year now, I guess. A lot has happened since then... I plan to back-peddle in the next little while and go into some of those things at length, but today I thought I would just dive back in balls deep with this little note... on the topic of the finest competitive reality program of the competitive reality era: RuPaul's Drag Race.<br /><br />Are you watching this show? Because you should be. You should be going to great lengths to watch this show... For real - you should be <em>ENDANGERING</em> yourself if necessary because it is fucking quuuality...<br /><br />I've got a very long established boner for <strong>RuPaul</strong>... Back when I was but a misbegotten gay growing up in Brockville, my family lived on the outskirts of town (I know... who the fuck lives on the "outskirts" of town... Moonshine-makers and Ferret breeders - THAT'S WHO! ... And me, apparently) - so we couldn't get cable. So instead, we got a satellite dish... but it wasn't one of those DirecTV things that just pin to your eaves trough, it was one of those enormous hemispherical structures that would need to reposition itself if you changed the channel. They were pretty bonkers.<br /><br />Anyballs... this meant that my childhood television viewing experience was decidedly un-Canadian. Never watched Much... never watched YTV... never watched The Comedy Network... I got to watch HBO, Comedy Central, MTV, a scrambled version of the Spice network (which, PS, wasn't pixilated or even blurry... the extent of the scrambling was that THE SOUND WAS CUT OUT... because that's what you watch porn for... the sound... ) and of course, my raison d'etre in the mid-late 90's... Vh1.<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2xxEbMBqNI/AAAAAAAACHE/Y6Djj1GMyzE/s1600-h/rupauls-drag-race_240.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 240px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5434843171160959186" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2xxEbMBqNI/AAAAAAAACHE/Y6Djj1GMyzE/s400/rupauls-drag-race_240.jpg" /></a>I seem to recall Vh1's shift from being MTV's adult-contemporary sister station/hub-of-all-things-Michael-Bolton into this wacky tickle-trunk of alternative and campy programming beginning somewhere in 1996 with the advent of The RuPaul Show... if you didn't know this, yes... RuPaul had a talk show. And it was the fucking BEST.<br /><br />It was like nothing else on television... I think the only other gay guys on TV at that time were Ricky from "My So-Called Life", what-the-fuck's-his-face from "Melrose Place" and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planeteer#Ma-Ti">Ma-Ti</a> from "Captain Planet" (well, at least I assume... he was voiced by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005513/"><strong>Alanna Ubach</strong></a>, afterall)... so you can imagine how mind-blowing it was having this magical Glamazonian drag queen hosting a talk show whose guest list was this endless parade of camp icons...<br /><br />This was before I even knew what 'camp' was - this was slightly before the Internet permeated culture, remember. Before you could wikipedia or IMDB or youtube some ostentatious broad from the past... RuPaul's show was like a crash course in camp and pop-culture that just blew the fuck out of my small-town gay brain... on any given show - and I'm entirely serious about this - the lineup could and would include: <strong>Bernadette Peters</strong>, <strong>Kathy Najimy</strong> and a performance by <strong>Pat Benatar</strong>. FOR REALS. I do believe that was the lineup of one of the episodes!!!<br /><br />Another hypothetical lineup? How's about a surprise reunion betwixt <em>Maude</em> co-stars the late, great <strong>Bea Arthur</strong> and the slightly later and equally great <strong>Esther Rolle</strong> followed by an underwear fashion show? Sounds to good to be true? It's not... check THIS shit out: <a href="http://wow.wowtv.tv/episodes/bea-arthur-on-the-rupaul-show">http://wow.wowtv.tv/episodes/bea-arthur-on-the-rupaul-show</a><br /><br />I. Know.<br /><br />Amazing! So that's what I spent many an afternoon watching whilst I gorged on Snackwell's. Jealous? Of course you are.<br /><br />Any way, I've just been this gagging disciple of RuPaul's since, and was so excited that s/he would be stepping into the role of Tyra Banks on hi/r very own competitive reality format... but as it turns out, RuPaul's role would be much, much more than that. S/he, in fact plays <strong>Tyra Banks</strong>-meets-<strong>Tim Gunn</strong>-meets-<strong>Simon Cowell</strong>-meets-well, RuPaul in a show that is essentially the best elements of Top Model-meets-Project Runway-meets-Idol. I know! Sounds amazing, and it is!<br /><br />Last season - although done a shoestring budget - was absolutely sensational and introduced us to a slew of characters each more unforgettable than the last... From eventual winner <strong>BeBe</strong> to the "Loca" fashions of <strong>Nina Flowers</strong> to audience favorite <strong>Ongina</strong> - a star was born and born and born.<br /><br />Well, it's back for Season 2 and everything looks bigger and better! Although we're only 1 episode into the season, here are my first impressions on this season's crop of girls...<br /><br />First off - in an interview with some sort of news outlet that I can't possibly remember in order to source, Ru said that a lot of the girls this season did indeed audition for last season but weren't cast because "they didn't want an overlap of types"...<br /><br />This is both A.) incredibly disappointing because YAWN - we're basically getting a second-rate version of someone from last season and B.) incredibly OBVIOUS who's whom...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2x1R2RlZUI/AAAAAAAACHM/MMtORNUkHw8/s1600-h/01.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 267px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5434847799816840514" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2x1R2RlZUI/AAAAAAAACHM/MMtORNUkHw8/s400/01.jpg" /></a>From the top - <strong>Raven</strong> is soooo this year's <strong>Shanel</strong>. Another showgirl who's been in this business for 65 years and repeats that fact with boisterous confidence every opportunity she gets. It's pretty obvs that those two could never have been in the same room.<br /><br /><strong>Ongina</strong> and<strong> JuJuBee</strong> would have never been cast in the same season, and not just because their both diminutive and Asian... same with <strong>Jessica Wild</strong> and <strong>Nina Flowers</strong>, and not just because they're both Peurto Rican and charmingly indecipherable...<br /><br />I'm getting a lot of archetypal similarity between <strong>BeBe</strong> and <strong>Tyra Sanchez</strong> as well... A similar old-world drag feel - like they both came straight out <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorian_Corey">Dorian Corey's </a>walk-in closet/tomb - and a potential It-girl quality... They clearly have different backstories... one is an immigrant from Cameroon and one is raising a son and a pair of devastatingly unfortunate eyebrows... but they are very approximate TYPES. And that's too bad... it's something that a lot of reality shows try and do in their second season... try to be too explicit with a formula... and really, the only queen that I really wanted a sequel from was <a href="http://www.myspace.com/cookinwithtammiebrown"><strong>Tammie Brown</strong></a>...<br /><br />Beyond the girls who remind me of girls from last season, there are also girls who remind me of other people...<br /><br /><strong>Nicole Paige Brooks</strong> - a reject from last season - a southern belle from Hotlanta, GA is a dead-ringer for <strong>Jan Hooks</strong> (who, PS, surfaced for the first time since what has got to have been 1992 for a guest role on 30 Rock as Jenna's mom and 'yikes' would be an understatement...)<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2x_YnE7bsI/AAAAAAAACHc/2_4LovI2f5g/s1600-h/02.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 392px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 296px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5434858911112588994" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2x_YnE7bsI/AAAAAAAACHc/2_4LovI2f5g/s400/02.jpg" /></a> Specifically, seeing as Nicole is from Atlanta, Jan Hooks AS Carlene Dobber - her role from Designing Women. For reals... she might as well change her name from Nicole Paige Brooks to Nicole Paige HOOKS...<br /><br />I'm catching some real <strong>Debi Mazar</strong>-realness from <strong>Morgan McMichaels</strong>, the show's resident shit-disturber...<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2yCYFstxPI/AAAAAAAACHk/85FmmtTMbMA/s1600-h/04.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 235px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5434862200687543538" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2yCYFstxPI/AAAAAAAACHk/85FmmtTMbMA/s400/04.jpg" /></a> </div>And <strong>Pandora Boxx</strong> is straight up <strong>Kathy Griffin</strong> without the Restalyne... a fact that was amply illustrated by the fact that Kathy Griffin was actually in attendance as a guest judge and Pandora expressedly wore her "Kathy Griffin Wig"...<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2yC3w5nyLI/AAAAAAAACHs/CDaA2oNYzVM/s1600-h/03.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 241px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5434862744860346546" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2yC3w5nyLI/AAAAAAAACHs/CDaA2oNYzVM/s400/03.jpg" /></a><br /><div></div>Sonique looks like <strong>Julianne Hough</strong>-meets-<strong>Olivia Newton-John</strong>-meets-The Lead singer from <strong>Roxette</strong>... <strong>Sahara</strong> in boy form looks exactly like a guy I've made out with before... <strong>Tatianna</strong> is probably serving the most 'fish', as they say... she looks like a blatino starlet that you might see on the arm of a <strong>Jamie Foxx</strong> or a <strong>Chris Tucker</strong>...<br /><br />And then of course we have <strong>Mystique Summers Madison</strong>... who, as a boy, looks like <strong>Kenan Thompson</strong>, and as a girl is a straight-up drag version <strong>Mo'Nique</strong> from <em>Precious</em>... and judging from the behind-the-scenes footage of her sparring with Morgan, she means fucking business and WILL fucking cut you...<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2yGXg5FdqI/AAAAAAAACH0/XdxrtpPHkx8/s1600-h/06.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 195px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5434866588853827234" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/S2yGXg5FdqI/AAAAAAAACH0/XdxrtpPHkx8/s400/06.jpg" /></a> Naturally, she's my fave.<br /><br />What about yours?<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-35517471112088520502009-04-08T11:45:00.000-07:002009-04-08T21:13:36.783-07:00On The Topic Of: Liza Fucking Minnelli<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/Sd109UdS0qI/AAAAAAAACGs/U_dTh3AYlbI/s1600-h/Bad+Girls+Club.jpeg"></a>Hey boy, girls and combinations thereof...<br /><br />So, if there was one thing to rocket me back to blogginghood, it would be to remark about what I experienced last night...<br /><br />Last night, in a move terribly uncharacteristic of me, I paid actual dollars - that's right, no trade nor barter - to take in a live concert. This never happens. Anyone or anything that I see live is either free or discounted well below the price of a pack of cigarettes. But not last night.<br /><br />Because, y'see, it's not every night that one Miss Liza Minnelli comes rollin' in to town.<br /><br />I can't say that I was a die hard fan. I've always found her entertaining - particularly in her appearances on Larry King Live (I STRONGLY urge you to watch and savor every second of the clip below... particularly when she receives a call from a musical theater major at approximately 1:03...):<div><br /><div><object width="420" height="339"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x1jlj9"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x1jlj9" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="339" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always"></embed></object><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); font-weight: bold; text-decoration: underline;"><br /></span><i></i></div>... but all that basically cracked down to was a borderline ironic fascination with her. Certainly not enough for me to plop down top dollar to see her live, right? So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself at the Roy Thomson box office Monday afternoon asking for Liza Minnelli tickets... which is something in itself... buying Liza tickets is pretty much the most declaratively gay thing you can do besides assfucking in public... but anyballs... for some reason, my intuition told me that I wouldn't want to miss this... well...<br /><br />In a word: <span style="font-weight: bold;">EPIC</span>.<br /><br />I just simply don't know how else to describe it. I was dead-set on describing it as "jazz, spazz and razzmatazz!", but I feel that belittles it. It was just surreal.<br /><br />To set the scene for you:<br /><br />We got there at 7:30. I was immediately taken by the interesting cross-section of people that were making up this audience: silver-haired couples who were likely Roy Thomson subscribers and gays, gays, gays. If I was to stretch the description - I'd say <span style="font-style: italic;">literate</span> gays. Gays who had done their cultural homework, as it were. This isn't <span style="font-weight: bold;">CeCe Peniston</span> performing to a canned backing track of "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxrWRN0aq2c"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Finally</span></span></a>" at 2 AM at Fly, afterall - it's motherfucking Liza Minnelli. You gotsta know your shit and spend some coin to see her, baby...<br /><br />8 PM. Her orchestra - old dudes in tuxes, YES! - trickle on to stage and assume their positions. This shit is actually starting on time - good on ya, Liza. The opening chords of "New York, New York"... 'ba da da-da-da, ba da da-da-da"... and out flounces Liza, dripping in her trademark black sequines. Or rather, out <span style="font-style: italic;">jazz-walks</span> Liza - toes pointed, mime-tipping her fake top-hat - in the same manner I imagine she transports herself anywhere. Everyone lost their shit. LOST it. The first of about 15 standing O's of the evening greets her. She sings some song called "Teach Me" or something... it really doesn't matter. People are still losing their shit. She finishes the song and people lose it some more. She's apparently overwhelmed, and responds - AND I QUOTE - "Holy Toledo! What a <span style="font-style: italic;">reception</span>!"... That's right - we're not 5 minutes into this, and we've already gotten a "Holy Toledo!". AMAZING!<br /><br />The rest of it is a glittery haze... I can distinctly remember her performing a song called "If" that I saw her <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEoCw5ysY3g"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">perform on her episode</span></span></a> of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Inside The Actors Studio</span>. It's a very patter-y, wordy song about a woman who kills her cheatin' boyfriend... like about 100 words per second... you couldn't understand a fucking word she was saying with her recently acquired speech impediment - BUT IT DIDN'T FUCKING MATTER!!! It's <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Liza</span>!!!<div><br /></div><div>She's got stage patter down to a science... <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Britney Spears</span> could really take a page from her book... Whereas at a Britney concert, the most audience interaction you could hope for is her exclaiming "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6RsG2RGDFY&feature=related"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">My pussy is hangin' out!</span></span></a>", Liza fucking <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">takes you there</span>... she is just consummately engaging - I was actually hoping for her to talk more than sing, actually - and hilariously self-deprecating... she made light of all her failed marriages, her various addictions past and present, and I <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">think</span> at one point she made reference to vaginal dryness... but maybe I was just hearing what I wanted to hear. It's possible.</div><div><br /></div><div>She would do shit that NOBODY else could get away with... NOBODY... you would NOT take someone else seriously if they did the shit that she did. She recounted the famous story about how she subbed in for an ailing <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Gwen Verdon</span> in the original production of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Chicago</span> - long story short: Gwen Verdon, original "Roxie Hart" and Bob Fosse's muse, accidentally swallowed a feather off one of her boas, it got wrapped around her vocal chord, needed surgery, would be out of the show, since Chicago wasn't a runaway hit they needed to have their stars in it to keep it open and this was back in the bad ol' days when musicals didn't play for years and have different cast members coming in and out through a revolving door, Liza did it completely unpublicized, and this was back before the internet when shit like that could actually be kept to mythical word-of-mouth and it was a big shit deal. There ya go - and she went from telling that story, to explaining the plot of Chicago, DIRECTLY into the character of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Roxie Hart</span> and sang the fuck out of "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWIZd8V6LeY"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">I Am My Own Best Friend</span></span></a>"... FUCKING NUTS!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>Her songs from <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Cabaret</span> were personal favorites of mine... I'd actually wager to say that "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4eOmIYCd_I&feature=related"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Maybe This Time</span></span></a>" was the highlight of the night for me, at least musically, anyway... Because number A.) It's a gorgeous fucking song and letter B.) there is a SEARING truth to that song when she sings it... this bitch is maybe the unluckiest bitch in the history of unlucky bitches when it comes to love... a chronic, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">genetically-predisposed</span> fag-hag who loves fast and hard, when she unleashed her weathered, wobbly vocal chords on the closing refrain of that song with a mile-wide smile filled with the promise of someone just starting life, you fucking BELIEVED that even though she's 62-years-old and part-robot, HE - IS - STILL - OUT - THERE... and y'know what? <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Maybe</span> this time, she'll win... may<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">be</span>... it was magnificent. </div><div><br /></div><div>Her performance - and first-act closer - of "Cabaret" was pretty fucking awesome, too. I counted three kick-ball-change's... and one of her numerous heavy-lidded winks to her personal life during the lyric "The day she died the neighbor's came to snicker / Well that's what comes from too much pills and liquor..." [long pause and knowing glance to all five balconies as if to say "shit, girrrl, I used to get fucked up whaaaaat!"... </div><div><br /></div><div>After an all-too brief intermission - in which many an instance of awkward eye-contact with older professional gays were made - we were eagerly planted back in our seats to witness the re-entry of Mz. Minnelli... and oh, wouldn't you know it, there was a wardrobe change. This time bitch is swathed in CHOCOLATE sequins... her top? A PONCHO/CAPE. Yes. A sequined poncho. An <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">evening</span> poncho, as it were. Priceless. </div><div><br /></div><div>More priceless? Her first fucking song of the second act is "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhA2mFbdw3I"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Liza With A 'Z'</span></span></a>"! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? If you are sitting there being like "So, you're telling me that this was just showstopper after showstopper? Hit after hit after hit? Never a dull moment?" - yes. Yes. Yes, that is what I'm telling you. It was out of fucking control. She even took requests, apparently. She sang a song, upon request, called "Mammy". It was about a mammy and one's fondness for said mammy. Mammy's really need to come back, methinks... But fuck me, I had no idea she was taking requests, or else surely I would have pressed for a reprise of this number:</div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/0RAclctSdsk&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/0RAclctSdsk&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object> </div><div><br /></div><div>... <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">BAD</span>. So yeah. More song, dance, and analogical magic and all of a sudden it's 10 PM. Holy fuck - you could have fooled me. It had ONLY been 2 hours at this point? It felt like it was about 1 AM... in the best possible "my, how time flies!" sense... and at this point, if you are reading this and have even a SLIGHT inclination of rue and remorse that you did not go to see this concert, this bit of information is going to jerk the last nerve left restraining your finger from pulling the trigger attached to the pistol pointed at your head... </div><div><br /></div><div>Her closing number: ... single spotlight, backlighting her silhouette... her back is to us, one hand on hip, her other arm outstretched... snapping - SNAPPING. "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLeC9RvrKrU"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">New York, New York</span></span></a>" ensues. </div><div><br /></div><div>I can honestly say that watching Liza motherfucking Minnelli perform "New York, New York" live will go down in history as one of the most memorable moments of my life. As will anyone else who was there. Wow. </div><div><br /></div><div>And it's not even over yet. She came back for an encore, feigning reluctance. That was actually pretty funny... watching her go through the motions of "oh my! What ever would I sing?!" - She and her pianist/right-hand man, the incomparable Billy Stritch (questionaly related to the prized Elaine), parked it at the piano for "Ev'rytime We Say Goodbye". We cried a little.</div><div><br /></div><div>It didn't stop there. Everyone was STILL going ape shit, so Liza came BACK OUT. This time, she stripped off her sequined poncho and a significant portion of her hair-piece - I swear to fuck she was wearing an XL "Ghostbusters" T-Shirt that one might wear as their jammy's, but I'm told it was an Ed Hardy T, the same one she wore on an episode of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Arrested Development</span> - and sang a song of longing, a cappella. </div><div><br /></div><div>And that is what you missed.</div><div><br /></div><div>Allow me to restate that I was never a die-hard fan of Liza. I went to this concert merely on a lark - my intuition told me "get it while it's still here because you'll regret it if you don't". And holy fuck - best decision I ever made.</div><div><br /></div><div>I actually think it'd be an understatement to say that Liza is a dying breed... I think she's the last of her kind. The shit that I witnessed last night isn't cyclical; try as they might, even the most promising performers of my generation are NEVER going to be able to do what that bitch can do and NEVER have what that bitch has... this was a master class in pure, unadulterated charisma. It was starkly clear that performing was this woman's lifeblood. And that was inspiring.</div><div><br /></div><div>In short: Best. Show. EVER!</div><div><br /></div><div>Until... of course... </div><div><br /></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); "><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/Sd109UdS0qI/AAAAAAAACGs/U_dTh3AYlbI/s400/Bad+Girls+Club.jpeg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5322538931434214050" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 259px; " /></span><div>Yes.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sorry. I'm back to whoring. Click on it for all its hi-res glory... </div><div><br /></div><div>But this show is going to be absolutely BONKERS - look at that lineup!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyballs... that's what I have to say about that... </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm going to attempt an America's Next Top Model: Cycle 30 dopplegang-bang tomorrow... </div><div><br /></div><div>--- Aj</div></div>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-23167474238100416012009-03-11T11:14:00.000-07:002009-03-11T13:56:02.206-07:00Catchin' Up: American Idol...And a good Wednesday to you.<br /><br />Ah Wednesday's. Named after the mythical Welsh god <span style="font-weight: bold;">Woden</span>. From what I can deduce, he was into humping. Which is why they named this day after him. Who the balls knows.<br /><br />So... as you can imagine, on the eve of the first elimination of the American Idol's 8th season, I felt compelled to m'blog. I've been offering musings on Idol for nigh on 4 seasons now via my blog, so it just didn't seem right to abandon that tradition the way 60% of this season's female contestants have abandoned their children (for, at most, a span of 12 weeks... any way...)<br /><br />Which brings me to my first point... what is with the gaggle of young mothers this season? And not just in the finals - the ratio in the finals is actually quite on point with the number the dozen or so that were in the semi-finals, and furthermore, the <span style="font-style: italic;">hundreds</span> in the preliminaries... okay... maybe that's an exaggeration... <span style="font-style: italic;">but still</span>!<br /><br />Anyballs... this is what I make out of last night/this season so far...<br /><br />In order of appearance.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SbglIKwbZWI/AAAAAAAACGU/GLr_-0uDKcQ/s1600-h/Lilest+Rounds.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 171px; height: 228px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SbglIKwbZWI/AAAAAAAACGU/GLr_-0uDKcQ/s400/Lilest+Rounds.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312036582740157794" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lil Rounds</span>... Don't think I need to tell you that I love her on sheer principle. I'm kind of predisposed to love sassy, quirkily-named, animated black chicks who are both generously voiced and generously buttock'd. That would be one Lil Rounds to a tee. She'll fill this season's requiste-black- diva-who-sails-to-the-second-runner-up-position quite nicely... although she's not as vocally blessed as others who've filled that role before her (think: Kimberley Locke, Vonzell Solomon, Melinda Doolittle), she's got delivery, poise and moxie to more than make up for it. Expect her to stick around for a while... well, until precisely the Top 3, as I just said.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Scott McIntyre</span>... is blind and don't you forget it, asshole. This season has well established itself as THE season of the backstory and Scott is its poster boy - his intro clip package literally ran for a milisecond before he said "I've been blind since birth...". His vocals are middling at best... reminiscent of a young <span style="font-weight: bold;">Christopher Cross</span> (some dead fucking sexy stuff here, people...) BUT HE'S BLIND, SO YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR HIM!!! Methinks this going to be one bumpy ride we're in for with him... think <span style="font-weight: bold;">Sanjaya</span>, but with an actual physical disability.<br /><br />If <span style="font-weight: bold;">Danny Gokey</span> wasn't a.) a dead wife pity-monger b.) a Jesus freak and c.) actually named "Danny Gokey", I think I'd like him. He's got a great voice - a perfectly palatable growl reminiscent of a young <span style="font-weight: bold;">Michael Bolton</span> (which I actually mean as a compliment... I do enjoy the Bolton from time to time...) and an unassuming charisma about him. Unfortunately items a.), b.) and c.) still stand. So no fucking dice. Meh. Pending a Chris Sligh-esque flameout in the next couple of weeks, expect him to go far.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Michael Sarver</span>... would last a lot longer if he succumbed to stereotype and went country. Instead he's just another <span style="font-weight: bold;">Color-Me-Badd</span>-esque R&B-warbling wigger about 15 years too late. He probably delivered the best performance he could have hoped for last night, and should stave off elimination for one week and one week only... but m'afraid he's back to the oil rigs after that. Which is apparently the most dangerous job ever, or something.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SbglIJDMGTI/AAAAAAAACGc/zijawgUuufs/s1600-h/Jasmine.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 362px; height: 242px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SbglIJDMGTI/AAAAAAAACGc/zijawgUuufs/s400/Jasmine.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312036582281976114" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jasmine Murray</span>... has the face that <span style="font-weight: bold;">Li'l Kim</span> had initially envisioned at the onset of her plastic surgery. I'm <span style="font-style: italic;">convinced</span> of it. And her mother is the hottest tranny I've ever laid eyes upon. She's got about all the potential in the world - a <span style="font-style: italic;">potentially</span> great voice, a <span style="font-style: italic;">potentially</span> great look, a <span style="font-style: italic;">potentially</span> great performance style - but it's all undercooked at this point. And considering the fact that she wasn't actually <span style="font-style: italic;">voted</span> IN to the competition in the first place, things are looking pretty grim for her tonight...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kris Allen</span>... is fine, if you like that sort of thing. I think he's terribly nondescript and doesn't even give me <span style="font-style: italic;">half</span> a boner. He rode the heartthrob wave into the finals (snatching that position away from much better-singing, boner-inducing candidates... <span style="font-weight: bold;">Ricky Braddy</span>, natch) on an exceptionally impressive vocal showing, and I guess he's now trying to carve out his niche as some sort of <span style="font-weight: bold;">Jason Mraz</span> tribute act... something, I fear, might just work to his advantage. Blah!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Allison Iraheta</span>... (or "Allison Mojito", as I've called her for the past couple of weeks completely unaware of what her actual last name was, just knowing it was something Latin) is the hottest bitch alive. FOR REAL - she's only 16? NUTS. Her voice is RIDICULOUS (think present-day, lived-in <span style="font-weight: bold;">Pink</span>), she works the stage masterfully and is wonderfully unguarded (in response to Simon telling her she needs to lighten up: "It's not like I cut myself or anything!")... AMAZING. I both hope and expect she goes far...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Anoop Desai</span>... is set to benefit off America's <span style="font-style: italic;">Slumdog</span>-mania about a million times more than any of those child actors who were actually <span style="font-style: italic;">IN</span> the movie will... I can tell you THAT for free... Seriously. Does American Idol seriously need an everyman every season? Could we not do without the nerdy kid who can kind of carry a tune and "oh, good for him! GO AMERICAN DREAM!" for ONE season? No. I guess we can't. Expect this to go south... and FAST!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jorge Nunez</span>... will be in for at LEAST three more weeks based solely on the votes he gets from the members of his extended family who were gathered around his television for his intro-clip package. He's got a good voice... reminiscent of a young Marc Anthony (and I'm not just "meh... who's a Spanish singer?"-generalizing when I say that!)... but is increasingly uneasy to watch and look at... I'd bet on him making a Bottom 3 visit tonight...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Megan Corkrey</span>... has the most solid reason for becoming a teenage mother I've ever heard: she couldn't get into her high school musical. Or something like that, BASICALLY. But yeah - perhaps showing her dissolve into tears explaining her separation anxiety during her intro package wasn't the greatest case to be made about why you should vote for her, but I guess we'll see... She's quirky. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Bjork</span>-meets-<span style="font-weight: bold;">Hilary Duff</span>. She looks like <span style="font-weight: bold;">Rachel McAdams</span> in <span style="font-style: italic;">Mean Girl</span>s. She's definitely going to be the pretty girl who's in the Bottom Three for 4 consecutive weeks before she's ultimately sent packing...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SbglIa7ekvI/AAAAAAAACGk/92Rv3SeflIA/s1600-h/Adam+Lambert.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SbglIa7ekvI/AAAAAAAACGk/92Rv3SeflIA/s400/Adam+Lambert.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312036587081470706" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Adam Lambert</span>... is a good old fashioned over-bronzed power bottom and I say more power to him! I do kind of feel like he's a bit of a <span style="font-weight: bold;">Chris Kattan</span>-character, and I'm far from feelin' the fuck out of his voice, but ever since those photos of him tonguing another dude came out, I'm all aboard his train. And the judges seem to be championing him, too. So that's a good thing. I'm super hoping that he actually does something brashly faggy and provacative and makes a statement...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Matt Giraud</span>... is really nothing spectacular. Don't be fooled. He's worked very hard at affecting himself with all the trappings of a <span style="font-weight: bold;">Robin Thicke</span>-esque neo-soul man, but as the all-over-the-place-ness of his performance demonstrated, he lacks the musicality. Expect the cracks to start showing as the weeks trapse on...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Alexis Grace</span>... is maybe better than I thought she was. That was downright <span style="font-weight: bold;">Pat Benetar</span>-ian last night! Good on her! The judges apparently spend all their boner juice, because they were nonplussed - which was bullshit. She did quite a nice little job on it. Another front runner!<br /><br />I'm going to call the bottom three as being <span style="font-weight: bold;">Jasmine</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Jorge</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold;">Megan</span>, although I'm sure I'm wrong about it. There are 13 of them. It's kind of a crapshoot at this point. I'd like to think that with all the overlap of ghastly R&B-singing white dudes, at least one of them bottoms out...<br /><br />Beyond that, apparently there's some sort of twist happening - I'm 99% certain that the judges will throw down some sort of sing-off and decide who stays and who goes. Which will be SCANDALOUS.<br /><br />Meh.<br /><br />Later,<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-63257847873901917812009-02-23T11:09:00.000-08:002009-02-23T13:43:58.761-08:00On The Topic Of: The OscarsSalutations.<br /><br />How's your winter been? Notice that broad stroke? How I can ask you how an entire season of your life has been? And why? Because I've been so shamefully M.I.A. (missing in action, that is... not birthing a little Sri Lankan heir to my rap throne a mere 3 days after appearing at the Grammy's, mind you...)<br /><br />I'm very sorry about that. I've made several attempts to post in the past couple of weeks, and they always start out the same way... me explaining where I've been - in truth, just working... - and it's never remotely funny and then POOF - time to leave before I've even started to wax engagingly regarding <span style="font-weight: bold;">Jessica Simpson</span>'s overblown weight gain. But fuck it. I'm just going to go balls deep without any lube or preparatory taint massage, so bite ya pillows, y'all...<br /><br />So yeah... Last night... OSCARS.<br /><br />A snail paced marathon that I'll simply never tire of. Last night's seemed exceptionally snail paced, but was not without its charms.<br /><br />I've got to say: I felt the fuck out of that thing that they did with the five past winners welcoming this year's recipient into the club. My first impression was that the multiple introductions and the wedding-esque speeches would get a little long and a little nauseatingly precious, but nope. Felt the fuck out of it, did I. I'm someone who loves that sort of stuff, though - over-appreciation sort of stuff. Almost like delivering an obituary early... remarking overly fondly about living people... I do it a lot to my friends when I'm drunk, so yeah. That was very up my alley. That was one wheel whose reinvention went off without a hitch...<br /><br />Some things that I most absolutely did NOT feel the fuck out of:<br /><br />I thought the In Memoriam was handled disgracefully.<br /><br />I'll admit it: I love the In Memoriam. I look forward to it. First off, I loves me a montage. Secondly, I love trivia. Thirdly, I love a popularity contest. Alternately, I'm not entirely impartial to moody, swelling strings. The In Memoriam montage has all these things... AND MORE! I was quite comfortable with the classic paradigm of having a full screen, hastily spliced-together montage flashing clips and pictures of those we lost this year to intermittent applause breaks and the requisite dimming of the lights to close. Whomever's idea it was to have <span style="font-weight: bold;">Queen Latifah</span> serenade us with a frumpy jazz standard while skirting the camera back and forth, short and wide so the names and faces were respectively unrecognizable and [Heath] illeg[er]ible needs a swift kick in the box. It was an arrogant attempt to put a personal stamp on something that hardly needed fixing in the first place... and totally undermined the people it was supposed to be pay tribute to in the first place. Not to mention the GROTESQUE oversight of <a style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91g5Ujweeu8">Estelle Getty</a> and <a style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MN2uz5_COA">Anita Page</a>.<br /><br />After substantial rumination, I've concluded that the musical is most definitely <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> back. Even if it was enjoying a modest upswing at the moment, it was a dealt a massive setback last night in the form of that <a style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WvJa2ZxFco">deplorable salute</a> to the movie musical care of host <span style="font-weight: bold;">Hugh Jackman</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Zac Efron</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Vanessa "<a style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" href="http://bitchsalad.blogspot.com/2007/09/that-leaked-boudoir-pics-of-celebrities.html">Pizza Beav</a>" Hudgens</span>, glorified chorus members <span style="font-weight: bold;">Amanda Seyfried</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold;">Dominic Cooper</span> of <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Mamma Mia</span>, and of course, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Beyonce</span>. Because no one can embarrass themselves in a musical number at the Oscars quite like Beyonce... or have you forgotten about this:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wzF47ThXylQ&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wzF47ThXylQ&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Now I don't speak French, but have heard from those who do, that it's almost insulting. Also, did anyone else notice that part when she busted into "At Last"? What did that have to do with movie musicals? Was that a deleted number from "Meet Me In St. Louis" or some shit? Nope? Nope. Methinks it was a boldfaced jab at <span style="font-weight: bold;">Etta James</span> - yet another manoeuvre in my second favourite May-December cat fight of late (my favourite, of course, being the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Faye Dunaway</span> v. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Hilary Duff</span> bout currently <a style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" href="http://network.nationalpost.com/np/blogs/theampersand/archive/2009/02/04/hilary-duff-disses-faye-dunaway.aspx">in progress</a>... LOVESIT!!!) ...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SaMPmrVrQVI/AAAAAAAACF0/NPIEwOnI5WQ/s1600-h/Tina+Fey.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 207px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SaMPmrVrQVI/AAAAAAAACF0/NPIEwOnI5WQ/s400/Tina+Fey.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306101943115661650" border="0" /></a>Aaanyballs - other highlights came c/o that mischievous French tightropist (that's right... take THAT Beyonce and your smoke 'n mirrors... you was upstaged by a fucking street mime who could balance an Oscar on his chin and make a coin disappear up his sleeve... awesome...), <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tina Fey</span>'s mere presence (and holy BALLS how gorgeous did she look?), and, of course, the completely unnecessary <a style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxTv8oljkO8&eurl=http://dlisted.com/node?page=1&feature=player_embedded">panning</a> to <span style="font-weight: bold;">Angelina Jolie</span> during a visibly flustered Jennifer Aniston's award presentation for animated features. That was actually amazing. I live for that shit. At one point, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Jennifer Aniston</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold;">Angelina Jolie</span> were quite actually steps apart from each other. AMAZING.<br /><br />The statues followed a pretty predictable course... <span style="font-weight: bold;">Penny Cruz</span> for <span style="font-style: italic;">Vicky Cristina Barcelona </span>(<span style="font-weight: bold;">Viola Davis</span> WILL rise again!)<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span></span>... <span style="font-weight: bold;">Heathcliff Ledger</span> for <span style="font-style: italic;">The Dark Knight</span> (Why was there 0.0 mention of <span style="font-weight: bold;">Michelle Williams</span>? She's KIND of the mother of his child/most underrated member of Destiny's Child)... <span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate Winslet</span> for <span style="font-style: italic;">The Reader</span> (which they kinda HAD to give her at this point)... the only surprise was <span style="font-weight: bold;">Sean Penn</span> for <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span> - not that he didn't deserve it, because holy fuckfuckfuck he sooo did... I wept at that movie. WEPT - but because the old boys club that is the Academy is notoriously stingy about lionizing gays.<br /><br />Well I guess a lot of those old dudes died between Brokeback and Milk, because Milk totally won a bunch of important shit! ... And generated the two most heartbreakingly memorable moments of the telecast... Sean Penn's hilarious and poignant acceptance speech - in which he addressed the Academy as "commie, homo-loving songs of guns" [half-facetiously, maybe], made light of his not-always-so-agreeable nature, and sternly urged for equal rights for all. And with that, a very unlikely gay icon was made. Like for real - busted, serious, "Jude Law Is One Of Our Finest Actors"-saying Sean Penn. Pretty crazy stuff.<br /><br />The highlight of the night for me, and, I assume, every other gay dude on the planet (excluding that bunch that were on last week's episode of <span style="font-style: italic;">The Tyra Banks Show</span>, topic: <a style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" href="http://www.towleroad.com/2009/02/tyra-banks-showcases-selfloathing-gays/comments/page/2/">I Hate Being Gay</a>... <span style="font-style: italic;">ohhhhhh brother</span>...) when <span style="font-style: italic;">Milk</span> scribe <span style="font-weight: bold;">Dustin Lance Black</span> won best original screenplay.<br /><br />I was really hoping for a soap-box moment, and boy-oh-boy did I get one. His speech, below:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LC_9CIh3u-w&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LC_9CIh3u-w&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Class frickin' act, I tells ya. Not to mention, the boy has a standing invitation to sit, full weight, on my face at any space and/or place in time. Yes, that invitation honours the possibility of time travel.<br /><br />Anyballs... that was that with that.<br /><br />What's is what with what, however?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SaMXcLMq6oI/AAAAAAAACGE/bmVstKHBlhk/s1600-h/Freshly+Tossed+Bitches.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 259px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SaMXcLMq6oI/AAAAAAAACGE/bmVstKHBlhk/s400/Freshly+Tossed+Bitches.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306110558782286466" border="0" /></a>That's right. Another one. All new girls!!! I'd strongly urge you to click the above image and see it in all it's high-ish resolution glory.<br /><br />Back tomorrow. Let's talk about this Rihanna/Chris Brown 'Domestic Disturbiance' stuff.<br /><br />Deal!<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-11285149900198703782009-01-05T17:04:00.000-08:002009-01-05T21:10:20.020-08:00Viral Video Vixens of '08Haaaappy New Year!<div><br /></div><div>It's Aught 9 and I have to guess that you're feelin' fine. Primarily, because that shit rhymes.</div><div><br /><div><div> </div><div> </div><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SWK4u39wgUI/AAAAAAAACE4/2Hn087oLDNM/s400/511WMDE32EL._SL500_AA240_.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287992027922858306" /><div>How was your new year rung in? Fun-ly? I assume so. Mine was <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">good</span>? I say that as a questionstatement, because I don't really remember too much. I drank m'self 2 - AS IN TWO - bottles of champagne. It wasn't nearly as elegant as it sounds. Anyballs, shinanigoats ensued and I stumbled home at around 4 AM to gorge on Havarti and watch <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Hello Again</span> - the quintessential <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Shelley Long</span> film. For realz - bitch says her patented "Yoo-Hoo!" upwards to and including (but not limited to) 12 times. Amazing.</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>All in all, I think it was the most fun I've had on New Years since being in Toronto. Bearing in mind that there's not a terribly high bar - my first Toronto-based new years was spent with my then-University beau who did coke at 2 AM, got mad at me for <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">letting</span> him do coke, then couldn't get erect. (Sidebar: isn't an alert, sturdy boner one of the few <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">up-sides</span> to cocaine use? That's always what I was lead to believe... b'ooohhh well)... another new years saw me go to this house party wherein I knew 3 people, only to discover my lone romantic prospect for the evening passed out on the toilet... and of course last year, when I served as the most unnecessary host in the history of hosts for New Years at the Drake Hotel, and realized 5 seconds before counting down to midnight that I didn't have the most remote idea of how the lyrics to "Auld Lang Syne" went - a song I was supposed to lead the crowd in. As you can imagine, I desecrated the shit. Terrible.</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Anyballs - that's all in the past. A fresh year awaits! But before we dust off our knees, shout "EXCELSIOR!" and do one of those on-the-spot <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Barney Rubble</span> runs into what is promised to be the most fabulous year that anyone's e'er had E'ER, one more FINAL look back on 2008 before we bid adieu to it once and for all... </div><div><br /></div><div>2008 - much like any other year in the recent single-digits of the millennium - won't be remembered for its hot-button political figures... nor for it's pop-star comeback queens... or even for its salsa-dancing grandma's... but for its youtube personalities.</div><div><br /></div><div>That's right - one again, I give you My <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Top 10 Viral Video Vixens</span>... of 2008!!!</div><div><br /></div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SWK5To5889I/AAAAAAAACFA/hWLQXlTY_fc/s400/Viral+Video+Vixens+%2709.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287992659535524818" /><div>There they are. Let's see how the cards fall...</div><div><br /></div><div>2008 was an interesting year in viral video stars. As the public and private spheres collide, it seems harder and harder to find truly authentic, earnest, candid video subjects that have no idea how entertaining they are and better yet, how sensational their impact will be. Still, 2008's VVV's aren't lookin' too shabby... </div><div><br /></div><div>10.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">GWEN VERDON</span></div><div><br /></div><div>Ah Gwen Verdon. Little did the Broadway legend and original Fosse muse know that she'd be sky-rocketed back into fame courtesy of some glorious jackass synching her kitschy performance of "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUXRdqn8LOM"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Mexican Breakfast</span></span></a>" on <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The Ed Sullivan Show</span> with rapper <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Unk</span>'s "Walk It Out". The originat<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">ress</span> of such roles as 'Lola' in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Damn Yankees</span>, 'Charity' in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Sweet Charity</span> and 'Roxie Hart' in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Chicago</span> - Gwen Verdon was passing stripper moves off as legitimate dancing before <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Britney Spears</span> was even a murky twinkle in Lynne and Jamie's eyes. Gwen is worth mentioning for two reasons: she's example of something that was made, at its time, to be completely devoid of irony, only to become wholly ironic years later when circulated via youtube (just like 2007's top Viral Video Vixen, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh7eehmrpR0"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Brenda Dickson</span></span></a>) and also because this video is directly responsible for <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">the</span> most user generated viral content this past year. But more on that later...</div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/KU3N5c2Kxnw&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/KU3N5c2Kxnw&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /></div><div>9.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">RICKY'S MOM</span></div><div><br /></div><div>Why did/does everything that was made in the 70's seem like it's a bizarre horror-porno? Like in how - tonally or cinematically - there's no difference between <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Deep Throat </span>and <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Carrie</span>? This was originally to be a sex education film to be shown to high-schoolers back in the 70's - dealing specifically with masturbation. Even more specifically - a shaggy little dude named Ricky having an <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">organ recital</span> only to be walked in on by his FUCKING SUPER CREEPY mother. Who, make no mistake about it, "knew what [he was] doing... and [is] sorry for interrupting [his] privacy..." If you've ever needed to laugh nervously, scream in horror, then laugh hysterically, then apprehensively ponder what it was you just saw... THIS is the clip for YOU!</div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Zn3dzAgnmqA&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Zn3dzAgnmqA&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /></div><div>8.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">CAPUCINE</span></div><div><br /></div><div>ADORABLENESS ALERT!!! Sound the alarms!!! ... that sound like newborn's cooing... because this is the most adorable shit I've seen all year. She's this little cherub from France... depending on how you look at it, she's either a precursor to <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Amelie</span></span> or a <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">post</span>cursor to <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Madeleine</span></span> (yes... I know... I've made two references to Madeleine in two consecutive blogs... and you know what, motherfucker? I'mma make another one tomorrow... SUCK IT!) - either way, hog-tying <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Hamas</span> operatives and making them watch this clip might just be the key to peace in the Middle East. Here, she tells a story freestyle - or, rather, en francais, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">liberer le style</span> - about... oh... who the fuck cares what it's about - SHE'S ADORABLE!!!</div><div><br /><object width="400" height="302"><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><param name="movie" value="http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2113477&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1"><embed src="http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2113477&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" width="400" height="302"></embed></object><br /><br /></div><div>7.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">THE ARCHULETA SUPER FANS</span></div><div><br /></div><div>If that last clip was enough to extinguish my great disdain for children, this next one is enough to reignite it in one powerful blast... Backstory: this past season on <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">American Idol</span>, the crown came down to two David's... <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">David Cook</span>, a scruffy, apathetic rocker who had cornered and ultimately triumphed with the elusive cougar vote... and David Achuleta, a squeaky-clean, baby-faced 16-year-old who made <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">David Cassidy</span> look like <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Charles Manson</span>... understandably, David Archuleta had somewhat of a <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">fervent</span> teenage female fan base. Just <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">how</span> fervent, well, I don't think any of us had the slightest clue... until... </div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/0vxzIamlzoA&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/0vxzIamlzoA&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /></div><div>6.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">JUDI SHEPPARD-MISSET</span></div><div><br /></div><div>Ahem. Miss Sheppard-Misset started from humble beginnings: a lowly jazz-dance teacher in the late 60's, she saw dwindling numbers in her classes (despite the stellar example set by Gwen Verdon, apparently)... so, on a lark, she decided to do away with the mirrors and the moves and focus on just havin' some fun. So was born JAZZERCISE! Below is her <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">somewhat enthusiastic</span> routine to "Move Your Boogie Body" from one of I can only hope is many Jazzercize home videos... there is absolutely nothing NOT to love about this fucking video... </div><div><br /></div><div><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/VGOO8ZhWFR4&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/VGOO8ZhWFR4&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /></div><div>Pallette Cleanser: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">PROP 8, THE MUSICAL</span></div><div><br /></div><div>Certainly constructed to be viewed... and viewed... AND VIEWED!!!... Prop 8: The Musical doesn't really fit into this list of what I consider truly grass-roots sensations, but it was just too fucking good and significant to be left out. That, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">AND</span> it features the out-and-out love of my life, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Maya P.K. Rudolph</span>. </div><div><br /><object width="512" height="328" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" id="ordie_player_c0cf508ff8"><param name="movie" value="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf"><param name="flashvars" value="key=c0cf508ff8"><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"><embed width="512" height="328" flashvars="key=c0cf508ff8" allowfullscreen="true" quality="high" src="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" name="ordie_player_c0cf508ff8" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object><div style="text-align:left;font-size:x-small;margin-top:0;width:512px;"><br /></div>5.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">JULIE KLAUSNER & JACKIE CLARKE</span></div><div><br /></div><div>Thanks to the power and glory of youtube, this past year saw the comedic genius' of Klausner & Clarke brought to my attention. Funnily enough it was their spot-on, note-for-note perfect parody of last year's VVV of the year, the ultra-glamorous <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh7eehmrpR0"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Brenda Dickson</span></span></a> (worth linking to again), in one of their <a href="http://www.oldeenglish.org/podcast/diablo-cody"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">many</span></span></a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kAi1oCOJso"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">many</span></span></a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Bo0ZC7F6co"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">MANY</span></span></a> (<<<--- especially that one. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Mommy Time</span>. AMAZING!) brilliant viral offerings, "Welcome To Our House" that first caught my eye, and that I'm choosing to highlight here - although, really, you should thoroughly watch and re-watch each and every last drop of their shit if you know what's good for you. How these two have eluded <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Saturday Night Live</span> in lieu of the lowly <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Casey Wilson</span>'s of the world astounds, confounds and disturbs me... </div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/WALKbCNlU2c&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/WALKbCNlU2c&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /></div><div>4.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">SHANE MERCADO</span></div><div><br /></div><div>Once upon a time, #10 VVV of 2008 <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Gwen Verdon</span>'s "Mexican Breakfast/Walk It Out" video hit the internet. Then, one <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Beyonce Giselle Knowles</span> - as she's prone to do - took wind of it, skank-ified it <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">ever so slightly</span> and used it as inspiration for the video of her current number 1 smash single, "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)</span></span></a>". <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Talk about</span> a butterfly effect - the next thing you know, some tranny with entirely too much time on his hands records himself performing a beat-for-beat choreographic reenactment of the dance from the video in his dorm room and voila: global cyber-sensation. What the taut, nimble Mr. Mercado set off has been unprecedented... everyone and their fucking mother recorded their own "response video" with results ranging from <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uuxQFEOzcc"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">hilarious</span></span></a> to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CU2JhYM8tY"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">bizarre</span></span></a> to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_lrKhmx2WU"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">grotesque</span></span></a>... not to mention an appearance on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxKhd5O8d2Y"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">The Bonnie Hunt show</span></span></a> - who could ask for anything more?</div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-Ipua3OWhSk&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-Ipua3OWhSk&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /></div><div>3.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">THE CHEETAH LADY</span></div><div><br /></div><div>Hmm. Umm. Yeah. I don't know quite what to say about this one. I'm not sure anyone does. I have no idea what the origins of this video is nor of this lady are. I've heard people refer to this as the "2 Girls, 1 Cup" of 2008 - only y'know, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">not</span> involving two girls shitting and puking on each other - but equally disturbing and perplexing. Don't worry - it's completely SFW (safe for work). It just might not be SFYS (safe for your sanity)... </div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/drI4BRMpaJM&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/drI4BRMpaJM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /></div><div>2.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">SCARLETT, AND THE MIGHTY TUMBLE SHE TOOK</span></div><div><br /></div><div>ALL HAIL SCARLETT... America's next top R&B singer-songwriter/spinal-transplant-recipient. When the zaftig Scarlett took to her webcam earlier this year, recording herself singing an original R&B composition all of her own, A capella, whilst pacing around her rumpus room, only to find herself atop a coffee table that ultimately proved no match for her... things took a nasty (AND HILARIOUS) left turn - and history was made. Yes. History. As much for her death-defying 'tumble' as for her ability to popularize the abbreviation "tha'urt" out of "that hurt"... Scarlett, we can't wait to see what ELSE you have up your sleeve/pant leg... </div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/cIwTYL1fwJk&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/cIwTYL1fwJk&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>But</div><div><br /></div><div>There</div><div><br /></div><div>Can</div><div><br /></div><div>Only</div><div><br /></div><div>Be</div><div><br /></div><div>1.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">MEAGAN "ROJO CALIENTE" TAYLOR</span></div><div><br /></div><div>Bling, bling, expensive things? That's Rojo Caliente. Movie stars, magazines? Rojo Caliente. Drivin' in your car, that's also very expensive? Again, Rojo Caliente. Yes. Some of you may know her as Meagan Taylor... I, however, know her as the things that dreams are made of. The pudgy, teenage Jewess (and current Queen's student... *starts the oil thigh [a Queen's thing. I went to Queen's, if you didn't know]*) who, legend has it, received a million dollars from her father for her Bat Mitzvah and spent it on recording a reggae-hip-hop single and corresponding video entitled "Rojo Caliente" - loosely translated: Red Hot. While this video is every kind of WRONG under the sun, Meagan Taylor is every kind of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">right</span> - reminder to all of us to never, EVER, stop reachin' for those stars.</div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/0EgmUKgLL44&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/0EgmUKgLL44&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>And that's the note I'd prefer to leave you on with that.</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">In other news:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div> </div><div>John Travolta [basically] <a href="http://gawker.com/5122788/travoltas-rumored-gay-lover-discovered-dead-son"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">murdered</span></span></a> his disabled son.</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>More on that tomorrow.</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>Feel fine in 09,</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>--- Aj</div></div></div>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-83109566062838989722008-12-30T22:16:00.000-08:002008-12-31T12:48:07.143-08:00<div style="text-align: left;">And a happy holidays to you... they continue to rage on...</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>It's my highest and brightest hope that they were indeed happy, and you're not currently powerless (in the electrical sense), as many wind-stricken people are right now. Because that would suck. I go batshit nuts when the power goes out. Like, almost-resort-to-cannibalism-crazy. I treat every power outage like it's an apocalypse or something. Which might explain why my freezer is well stocked with salted venison, but that's a story for another day...</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>So, my friends, 2008 draws to a close - and thank fucking God, am I right? Am I? Ladies? Do you hear what I'm talking about? And if the end of the year is good for one thing, it's end-of-year-roundups-in-the-form-of-Top-10-lists... </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>So I thought I might cap this one off with my ceremonial Top 10 Bitches that I Loved & Hated in [insert year]!!! </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsP_tttUOI/AAAAAAAACEw/OXobNG-PvOo/s1600-h/FBook.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsP_tttUOI/AAAAAAAACEw/OXobNG-PvOo/s400/FBook.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285836174926893282" /></a>Yepper skeppers, there they are. In all their glory/shame. Oooooh I just can't wait to find out how the cards fall - <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">can you?!?!?!</span> <div><br /><div> </div><div>But yeah... here's my annual wrap-up of the various bitches who I've felt have defined the year passed, for better and/or for worse... </div><div><br /><div> </div><div>Let the games begin...</div><div><br /><div> </div><div>10.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">PATTI LuPONE</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></div><div> </div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LXl10a9gJwA&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LXl10a9gJwA&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /></div><div>A recurring motif in the lists of ladies that I choose to exalt is/are the sort of survivor-y journeywomen entertainers who've had a glimmer of limelight in the past but continue to truck on despite waning interest and then BAM - they're granted another moment in the sun. Such is the case with Miss Patti LuPone. Embarrassingly enough, until about 5 years ago, I had no fucking idea that Patti LuPone was a Broadway Star - most notably, for originating the role of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Eva Peron</span> in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Evita</span>, for which she won her first of two Tony Awards, almost 30 years ago. I knew her as <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Libby Thacher</span> on the Sunday night family drama, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Life Goes On</span>. And the only reason I knew that was because <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Life Goes On</span> was on right before <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">America's Funniest Home Videos</span>, which was a big fucking deal in my household. Aaanyballs - she was all but put out to pasture until a star turn in as 'Mama Rose' in the legendary musical <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Gypsy</span> thrust her back into the limelight... squarely in the form of her fucking the absolute shit out of its act 1 closer, "Everything's Coming Up Roses" on this year's Tony telecast. If watching the 59-year-old LuPone belt that out note-for-note-perfect doesn't make you secrete <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">something</span> from <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">somewhere</span>... then I don't know what. Patti LuPone, everyone... <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">BITCH HAS STILL GOT IT!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"> </span></div><div><div> </div><div>9.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">RACHEL MADDOW</span><br /><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPxdq9KqI/AAAAAAAACEo/3HcU1VUQzQE/s1600-h/A.)+09+Rachel+Maddow.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 264px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPxdq9KqI/AAAAAAAACEo/3HcU1VUQzQE/s400/A.)+09+Rachel+Maddow.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835930102213282" /></a>In what was arguably the most politically relevant year for the GLBT community in decades, we couldn't have asked for a better representative to enter political-pundit-dom than Rachel Maddow. If you haven't seen this lady in action A.) I pity you and wish you the best with your complete Season 2 DVD's of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Life According To Jim</span> (read: you're a dumbass) and B.) I would describe her thusly: picture <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Rosie O'Donnell</span> during her super-politically-charged tenure on <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The View</span>, only less hysterical and with copious educational credits (not that there's anything wrong with Rosie's approach... in fact, there's everything <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">right</span> with it, I'm just sayin'...) ... The first openly gay i.) Rhodes' Scholar and ii.) Primetime News Pundit, Maddow laid her brand of hyper-intelligent, lesbo-centric smackdown where it was just deserved at every turn, making your <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Pat Bunchanan</span>'s and <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Ann Coulter</span>'s tremble in their sensible conservative footwear. Rachel motherfucking Maddow - Truly, no one on the corner has the bulldagger swagger like hers... </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>8.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">ELIZABETH MOSS</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPxDvgnvI/AAAAAAAACEg/Zx-lqMlTYOg/s1600-h/A.)+08+Elizabeth+Moss.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 370px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPxDvgnvI/AAAAAAAACEg/Zx-lqMlTYOg/s400/A.)+08+Elizabeth+Moss.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835923141992178" /></a>Elizabeth Moss first came to my attention in 1999's feelgood hit of the year, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Girl Interrupted</span>, playing the stunted-adolescent burn victim 'Polly "Torch" Clark' [upper left-hand inset]. Who knew that a scant 9 years later she'd be the face of 2008's premiere feminist tele-heroine 'Peggy Olson' on AMC's exquisite prime time serial <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Mad Men</span>? If you haven't seen this show - DO! It's amazing. It's about a Madison Avenue advertising agency in 1960, and her character is this dowdy girl who unassumingly busts every ball up in dat detestable suit-wearing, whiskey-slugging, bottom-tapping, "Tootz"-calling boys club that is Sterling Cooper to rise to the top... played impeccably by Elizabeth Moss who makes it well worth watching. SO rooting for her at the SAG's... </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>7.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">CLORIS LEACHMAN</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPwtZOZOI/AAAAAAAACEY/jn5FsGnzJyA/s1600-h/A.)+07+Cloris+Leachman.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 315px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPwtZOZOI/AAAAAAAACEY/jn5FsGnzJyA/s400/A.)+07+Cloris+Leachman.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835917142942946" /></a>The most boldfaced inspiration to your Nana's self-actualization since <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The Golden Girls</span>, 8motherfucking2-year-old Cloris Leachman danced her way right into the finals of this year's <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Dancing With The Stars</span>... and with it, our hearts. Despite constant <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">scathing</span> criticism by the 'judges' for her wacky, two-left-footed, horny Grandma antics trumping more qualified dancers (because truly, if <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Dancing With The Stars</span> is anything, it is a <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">deadly</span> serious ballroom competition... I'm talkin' to you, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Carrie-Ann Inaba</span> - you fucking glorified lap-dancer), Cloris has proven that 80 is the new 60... or... at least, 100 is the new 90. EITHER WAY - A WIN/WIN FOR NANA'S!!!</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>6.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">BEYONCE, PINK</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPwsDTjNI/AAAAAAAACEQ/NtPySDsah9c/s1600-h/A.)+06+Beyonce+%26+Pink.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 385px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPwsDTjNI/AAAAAAAACEQ/NtPySDsah9c/s400/A.)+06+Beyonce+%26+Pink.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835916782570706" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Bold statement alert</span></span>::: how might one stay on top in the music business? Simple: create trends rather than follow them. That's precisely what these two ladies have done since their meagre inceptions ---(for realsies... I can remember paying astute attention to both of these bitches when they started out in the late 90's... Beyonce - then part of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Destiny's Child</span> - was rockin' a $4 weave and pleather pants, chanting things in 3's ("No, No, No"... "Bills, Bills, Bills"... "what's her problem?", I thought to m'self... and Pink had this slicked-back magenta hair and these hip-hop videos with her cupping her bare breasts... NUTS!)--- and a very cultivated autonomy rings truer than ever with their respective musical efforts this past year. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">MmmHmm</span>... "I Am... Sasha Fierce" and "Funhouse" are two of the back-to-fucking-back, cover-to-fucking-cover best albums I've heard in a long time. It's been very evident for a long time that they set the queues, and dozen's of other pop-chanteuses-du-jour clamor to follow them... but you can absolutely mark my word - <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">these two</span> are the bitches that you'll be paying to see in stadiums 30 years from now.</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Pallette Cleanser: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">BRITNEY SPEARS</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPwXF0xoI/AAAAAAAACEI/KsHifjFPApc/s1600-h/A.)+05a+Brit+Brit.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 325px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPwXF0xoI/AAAAAAAACEI/KsHifjFPApc/s400/A.)+05a+Brit+Brit.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835911155992194" /></a>Oh, Britney. Britney Britney Britney. You started the year off strapped to a gurney, prepped for a lobotomy. Things were looking grim. Even <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">I</span> felt for you. Then, there was a 720 degree turn - you severed communication from Adnan, re-welcomed your father into the managerial picture and most importantly, cut out those fucking Fraps. And now you're back on top. I can't stay that I'm necessarily happy about that - I've never much been a fan. But I <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">can</span> appreciate a good comeback. And <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">this</span> was quite a comeback. Well done. </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>5.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">MERYL STREEP</span></div><div><br /></div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPX74HhuI/AAAAAAAACEA/177Awi3ekkU/s1600-h/A.)+05+Meryl+Streep.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 315px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPX74HhuI/AAAAAAAACEA/177Awi3ekkU/s400/A.)+05+Meryl+Streep.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835491533883106" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; ">If Cloris Leachman was the Miley Cyrus to Nana's everwhere, Meryl Streep occupied that aspirational figure for everyone's Mom this year. The greatest film actress - living <span style="font-style: italic; ">or</span> dead... THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT... <span style="font-style: italic; ">HAVE YOU SEEN 'SHE-DEVIL', MOTHAFUCKA?!?!</span> - achieved the impossible dream in 2008... she <span style="font-style: italic; ">became</span> a bona fide, bankable movie star <span style="font-style: italic; ">entering her 60's</span>. I'm certainly not someone who was waiting to be persuaded by the power, glory, and bon homie of Streep, mind you - so this is <span style="font-style: italic; ">hardly</span> a revelation. (Sidebar: Although I could try, I'm not sure I could sound gayer than I did in that last sentence... moving on...) BUT I can simply take pleasure in seeing one of the greatest talents and most profound geniuses of our time FINALLY see her due...</span><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>4.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">ALANA JOHNSTON</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-weight: normal; "><br /><object width="480" height="295"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/X2GYv5LDmg4&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/X2GYv5LDmg4&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="295"></embed></object><br /><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-weight: normal; ">THE LOCAL MENTION!!! Holy mother of pearl... Alana Johnston (who, incidentally, is of no [known... although if I dig through my father's type-written family tree, it's entirely possible] relation) blew my fucking mind this year. She's definitely one to watch. This slot is sort of my requisite "representational-of-every-<wbr>Toronto-female-comic-<wbr>PARTICULARLY-those-who-have-<wbr>done-Bitch-Salad" slot, but her shit has absolutely blown my mind. Long live H'Alana.</span> </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>3.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">HILARY CLINTON</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPXnf6olI/AAAAAAAACD4/qc-6SgKwXTM/s1600-h/A.)+03+Hilary+Clinton.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 233px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPXnf6olI/AAAAAAAACD4/qc-6SgKwXTM/s400/A.)+03+Hilary+Clinton.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835486063665746" /></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; ">It pains me to think that years from now, Hilary Clinton will be thought of as this sort of shrill Obama adversary - or, rather, Obamadversary. Because that simply isn't nor wasn't the truth. Hilary Clinton punched her fucking clock, man. She bided her time. She made a run for it, and it was fucking golden. She didn't win it, but she came super, suuuper fucking close. Hilary Clinton ought to and needs to go down in history as a true vanguard; someone who took the hit so that others could come through the gate, and above all else, someone who handled it with an Olympic level of grace. I don't know about you, but I'll always think "what if Hilary had gotten it..."</span> </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span></div><div> </div><div>2.) Tie: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">ELAINE'S STRITCH & BOOSLER</span></div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPXeNtd-I/AAAAAAAACDw/0At5TO2yvpU/s1600-h/A.)+02+Elaine%27s+Boosler+%26+Stritch.jpg" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br /></span><img style="text-decoration: underline;display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 271px; " src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPXeNtd-I/AAAAAAAACDw/0At5TO2yvpU/s400/A.)+02+Elaine%27s+Boosler+%26+Stritch.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835483571386338" /></a></div><div> </div><div> </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; "><div>This is blatantly selfish... I can't tell you the level of joy I've gleamed this year from these two ladies - both coincidentally named "Elaine" (although, yes, Boosler's is spelled 'Elayne', I really liked the ring of "Elaine's Stritch & Boosler"... so fuck you, purists/Elayne Boosler... if you're actually reading this... in which case, I LOVE YOU!!!).</div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-weight: bold; ">Stritch</span>: Hard-living Broadway legend who's rocketed back into relevance as Alec Baldwin's character's mother on the greatest television show ever to exist, 30 Rock, who's one-woman show "Elaine Stritch, Live at Liberty" I purchased for a cool $50 this summer and became OBSESSED with. What's not to love about Elaine Stritch? NOTHING. She's wholly transfixing. There used to be a ton of clips from her one-woman show online, but they've all been taken off. That's a shame. Luckily, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykhcPEikc3k" target="_blank" style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 102, 204); "><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); "><span style="font-weight: bold; ">this video</span></span></a> of her winning an Emmy for her one-woman show still exists. I urge you to watch it. Also - my Bitch Salad co-producer's and I have come to the conclusion that when/if - KNOCK ON WOOD, SALT OVER SHOULDER - Elaine passes on, we'll have a Toronto-based wake entitled "Stritch Salad". </div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-weight: bold; ">Boosler</span>: The unsung heroine of comedy, she started out as a coat-check girl at The Improv when she befriended a young <span style="font-weight: bold; ">Andy Kaufman</span> and started dating him. After one too many "I could do that" notions, she did, and became the preeminent ladycomic (all one word, yes) of the 70's and 80's. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zjnwn9Ty_c" target="_blank" style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 102, 204); "><span style="font-weight: bold; "><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); ">Deodorant spokeswoman</span></span></a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1biMRt_JP0" target="_blank" style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 102, 204); "><span style="font-weight: bold; "><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); ">sporatic 80's sitcom mainstay</span></span></a>, and<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVqemKhy8sE" target="_blank" style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 102, 204); "><span style="font-weight: bold; "><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); ">renowned vest enthusiast</span></span></a> - Elayne fucking Boosler is the shit. Legend has it that she rebuffed Johnny Carson's advances, which put a ceiling on her career whilst the less-talented Judy Tenuta's and Paula Poundstone's rose to fame. Whatever. Elayne Boosler is the fucking shit. GET BAM-BOOSLER'D TODAY!!! </div><div><br /></div></span></div><div> </div><div>But</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>There</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Can</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Only</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Be</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>1.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">TINA FEY</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPWx9ZLvI/AAAAAAAACDo/tHymtIHHGDM/s1600-h/A.)+01+Tina+Fey.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 277px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPWx9ZLvI/AAAAAAAACDo/tHymtIHHGDM/s400/A.)+01+Tina+Fey.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835471691788018" /></a>The ways in which I love Elizabeth Samatina Fey are too numerous, elaborate and lurid to post here in print. 2008 was her year. Period. She ushered in the return of the female buddy comedy earlier this year with the number 1 movie Baby Mama... brought home triple-Emmy-gold for her ingenious 30 Rock, delivering the greatest Emmy <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pv-VO4r2Ak"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">acceptance speech</span></span></a> since Elaine Stritch... and of course, became more of a household name than Kleenex with her impression of a certain folksy, MILF-y Vice-Presidential Candidate who shall remain nameless - shaping the political discourse in the process. Not bad for a unibrowed square peg from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania (in the event that you missed that one, I'd invite you to refer to her high school yearbook photo, inset)... Thank God for Tina Fey. My life is right as long as I have Tina Fey in it. Amen.</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Now... the bad news...</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>Or good news if you enjoy scathing negativity, which, I have a lingering suspicion that you indeed <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">do</span>... </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">THE TOP 10 BITCHES I HATED IN 2008...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div> </div><div>10.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">ANNE SLOWEY</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div> </div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPW9-6lUI/AAAAAAAACDg/bOacdSj6a_M/s1600-h/B.)+10+Anne+Slowey.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPW9-6lUI/AAAAAAAACDg/bOacdSj6a_M/s400/B.)+10+Anne+Slowey.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835474919396674" /></a>Editrix-in-Chief of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Elle</span> Magazine/Dead fucking ringer for <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Sarah Jessica Parker</span>'s character in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Hocus Pocus</span>, Anne entered the reality-television-villain realm this year as <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">the decider</span> on what I can honestly say was the biggest cavalcade of wretched assaches I've ever seen - <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Stylista</span>. I caught but one episode of that shit and have been throwing up in my mouth ever since. I might have liked it back in the early days of reality TV, when people weren't so conscious of formulating themselves into characters... <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Omarosa</span>-syndrome, as it were... but these people were just deplorable and <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">soooo</span> pretentious - especially Slowey. From the second she arrived to grade the contestants on <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">who got her preferred breakfast</span> and slipped into some sort of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Anna Wintour</span>-light character, I was over it. OVER IT, I SAY! </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>9.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">CASEY WILSON</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPAQuFmuI/AAAAAAAACDY/E88D-stHrrI/s1600-h/B.)+09+Casey+Wilson.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 360px; height: 360px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPAQuFmuI/AAAAAAAACDY/E88D-stHrrI/s400/B.)+09+Casey+Wilson.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835084812098274" /></a>I've always been hyper-aware about when female cast members on SNL break. When their first big moment is. It's usually about 6 months into their tenure... <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Molly Shannon</span> busted out Mary Katherine Gallagher around that time... <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Rachel Dratch</span> did that horribly deformed child that wore a burlap sack, had an arm growing out of its head and could only say "Glorph!"... the divine <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Amy Poehler</span>, of course, gave us Amber - the over-confidant amputee with a flatulence problem... it typically <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">happens</span> by now. Casey Wilson - it's not going to happen. I'm sorry. On the plus side, you're still better than 2 <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Laraine Newman</span>'s, 5 <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Victoria Jackson</span>'s and a baker's dozen of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Beth Cahill</span>'s.</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>8.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">TRICIA WALSH-SMITH</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPAKa0kxI/AAAAAAAACDQ/iTQ0Hb5Imkw/s1600-h/B.)+08+Tricia+Walsh+Smith+1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 295px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsPAKa0kxI/AAAAAAAACDQ/iTQ0Hb5Imkw/s400/B.)+08+Tricia+Walsh+Smith+1.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835083120677650" /></a>AAAAAAHHH!!! Everybody run! Crazy, over-privileged, questionably-British divorcee/minor youtube star Tricia Walsh-Smith is coming to steal your soul!!! Yep... this lady is textbook bonkers - she makes <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Glenn Close</span>'s character in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Fatal Attraction</span> look as harmless and carefree as inquisitive French schoolgirl, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Madeleine</span>... earlier this year, she and her crazy eyes famously <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hx_WKxqQF2o"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">took to youtube</span></span></a> to air her very private grievances about her divorce and make her case for why she should remain in the lap of luxury... and for some reason, we kept <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meB6s_5Ed0M&feature=channel"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">watching</span></span></a>... and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RoPtyJDWHg&feature=channel"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">watching</span></span></a>... and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuZPahTcJpM&feature=channel"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">watching</span></span></a>... </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>7.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">MILEY CYRUS</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsO_rKTSuI/AAAAAAAACDI/h1SL80uraKQ/s1600-h/B.)+07+Miley+Cyrus.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsO_rKTSuI/AAAAAAAACDI/h1SL80uraKQ/s400/B.)+07+Miley+Cyrus.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835074729888482" /></a>As I get older, I become increasingly cynical about IT-girls. You need to understand, I've lived through so many of them by this point. I can remember, only a few years ago when the likes of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Kirsten Dunst</span>, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Jessica Simpson</span> and <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Ashanti</span> were the absolute scaldingly hottest things on the planet and now they're lucky if they're practically anonymous. Take heed, you little strumpet... I find it specifically exceptional how Miley Cyrus - in about a span of 5 months - went from super-famous to complete overexposure... it usually takes <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">at least</span> 6... then there's this whole self-righteous virginity issue, which is just a patent set-up for failure... Flooziness and an inclination for hard-living are imbedded in her genes... expect two things from Miley by the end of 2009 - A.) A pregnancy and B.) not being able to remember her name. </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>6.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">SALLY KERN</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsO_L64bJI/AAAAAAAACDA/fPpDtKTL1DM/s1600-h/B.)+06+Sally+Kern.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 336px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsO_L64bJI/AAAAAAAACDA/fPpDtKTL1DM/s400/B.)+06+Sally+Kern.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835066343713938" /></a>Gross. Just gross. This blob of a lady who looks like she's coming to eat your children set the stage for the great GLBT human rights movement we're experiencing right now when, earlier this year, she was recorded in some sort of secret Republican kabal in her native Oklahoma (where she was an elected and is now, amazingly, a <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">re-elected</span> state legislator) <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFxk7glmMbo"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">making utterly shocking homophobic remarks</span></span></a>. There aren't enough numbers to count all the kinds of wrong this bitch is. AND those jug-blowing yokels in Oklahoma actually RE-ELECTED her! To give you some perspective - this would be like electing an actual hood-wearing KKKlansman to office in the late 60's. If nothing else, this raging cunt serves as a reminder of how very, VERY far we have to go. </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>Pallette Cleanser: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">ELISABETH FILARSKI-HASSELBECK</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsO_BM_BvI/AAAAAAAACC4/GL2pVzVgYc4/s1600-h/B.)+05a+Elizabeth+Hasselbeck.jpeg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 330px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsO_BM_BvI/AAAAAAAACC4/GL2pVzVgYc4/s400/B.)+05a+Elizabeth+Hasselbeck.jpeg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285835063466854130" /></a>I routinely pose the question to myself about whether or not I'd be happier if Elizabeth Hasselbeck was tossed out on her impenetrably clenched ass from <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The View</span>. And, after exhaustingly weighing the pro's and con's (because that's what I do in my spare time, y'know... make completely inconsequential lists of pro's and con's... oh brother...), I always come back to the conclusion that I enjoy her as a Republican whipping boy waaay too much to see her leave. </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>5.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">THOMAS BEATTIE, THE PREGNANT MAN</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsOjMfxcjI/AAAAAAAACCw/mC2ct1XGQe4/s1600-h/B.)+05+Thomas+Beattie.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 330px; height: 345px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsOjMfxcjI/AAAAAAAACCw/mC2ct1XGQe4/s400/B.)+05+Thomas+Beattie.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285834585462108722" /></a>Now I am <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">all</span> for tickety-tock tranny's, as you may know. But this was a bit much even for me. Thomas Beattie used to be a chick. Thomas Beattie decided to become a dude, and was well under way to dude-dom, but - call it a hunch - decided to keep hi/r lady business, well, just in case. So, instead of adopting one of countless children who need a home, the Beattie's decided to play God and generate not one but TWO of what will no doubt be the most hormonally complex children in history. I feel the same way about Thomas Beattie as I do about <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turducken"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">TurDuckEn</span></span></a> (A Chicken stuffed inside a Duck stuffed inside a Turkey... yes, it's a godless bastardization of fowl, if you ask me)... just because it <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">could</span> happen, doesn't necessarily mean it <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">should</span> happen... </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>4.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">JENNIFER ANISTON</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsOjCuyBiI/AAAAAAAACCo/dzwfua2rCX0/s1600-h/B.)+04+Jennifer+Aniston.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 285px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsOjCuyBiI/AAAAAAAACCo/dzwfua2rCX0/s400/B.)+04+Jennifer+Aniston.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285834582840706594" /></a>Even my shrillest, neediest, most sensitive female acquaintances who I've heartlessly phased out of my life were more tolerable than Jennifer Aniston in 2008. So here's the deal: you've got a children's movie about a dog coming out on Christmas Day! How do you promote it? Take to every single print publication that will have you and talk about how desperately lonely you are (not to mention, continue to plead for people's sympathy and stay attached to the Brangelina saga by referring to <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Angelina Jolie</span>'s actions as "<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">uncool</span></span>"). Jennifer Aniston's "Tour of Uncool 08" was relentless, and what's worse - it worked. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Marley & Me</span> debuted at number 1. God help us the next time she has something to promote... it will be very <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">uncool</span></span>... </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>3.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">ASHLEY ALEXANDRA DUPRE</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsOizIWPWI/AAAAAAAACCg/Gr7882EP6zY/s1600-h/B.)+03+Ashley+Alexandra+Dupre.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 357px; height: 273px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsOizIWPWI/AAAAAAAACCg/Gr7882EP6zY/s400/B.)+03+Ashley+Alexandra+Dupre.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285834578652970338" /></a>The <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Elliot Spitzer</span> whore. Okay - no one understands that a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do better than me, but this opportunistic skank sunk to treacherous new lows. An aspiring singer, DuPre decided to pay her bills via the oldest profession in the world. One of her clients was super-hypocritical governor of New York and established adversary of the sex industry, Elliot Spitzer. He got busted. Her name got revealed. People flocked to her myspace page, looked through her pictures, played her songs. She lapped up the attention. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Girls Gone Wild</span> impresario/douchebag <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Joe Francis</span> offered her a million dollars to do a video. That is, until the Girls Gone Wild people discovered that she was already part of their family on a tape from years previous. HA! Bitch gave it away for free. Suddenly the offer was off the table and her stock began to plummet... until months later when she sits down with <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Diane Sawyer</span> and tries to re-ignite the fire and insincerely apologizing to Spitzer's family. Good luck with that music career.</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>2.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">LORI DREW</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsOixnvToI/AAAAAAAACCY/UzZk2oEnEKc/s1600-h/B.)+02+Lori+Drew.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 254px; height: 291px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsOixnvToI/AAAAAAAACCY/UzZk2oEnEKc/s400/B.)+02+Lori+Drew.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285834578247765634" /></a>The "<a href="http://americandigest.org/mt-archives/bad_americans/lori_drew_botto.php"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Most Hated Woman On The Internet</span></span></a>" got away with cold blooded murder this fall. Background in a nutshell: a psychologically shaky girl named <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Megan Meier</span> had apparently spread some gossip about Lori's daughter - an incredibly out-of-character move for a teenage girl, am I right? So Lori did what any good mother would do - she set up a fake myspace profile as an 18-year-old boy named "Josh Evans", seduced her, coerced secrets out of her, publicly humiliated her and ultimately drove her to suicide. Yep. In a nutshell. Then - this fall - she walked away scott free and opened up a very worthwhile dialogue about how to deal with and legally punish cyber-bullying. Beyond the fact that this bitch is indefinitely going to be Hitler's bunkmate in hell, I think if you actually have the time and effort to construct an elaborate ruse on a social networking site might be a pretty clear sign that you should think about taking up a hobby. This all could have been avoided if Lori Drew had just fucking taken up knitting like a normal Mom... </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>But</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>There</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>Can</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>Only</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>Be</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>1.) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">SARAH PALIN</span></div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsOivHJNwI/AAAAAAAACCQ/p4aCE5FDKYs/s1600-h/B.)+01+Sarah+Palin.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 369px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SVsOivHJNwI/AAAAAAAACCQ/p4aCE5FDKYs/s400/B.)+01+Sarah+Palin.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285834577574180610" /></a>I don't think we'll ever fully comprehend how close we got to civilization coming to an end. Because, people - that finger over the big red button with an "X" on it lingered <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">dangerously</span> close. We were so damningly close to complete catastrophe. If Sarah Palin had made it, our world would look like some terrifying cross between <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The Day After Tomorrow</span></span> (in terms of ecological devastation) meets <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">A Handmaid's Tale</span></span> (in terms of every woman would have a chip implanted in her head that would shock them if they even <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">thought</span> about abortion) meets <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion</span></span> (or some sort of lady comedy where a dimwit makes good)... I truly do believe that one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse came and went with Sarah Palin, and join you in a collective "Phew". </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>So yeah.</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>That's about it for me for Aught 8. </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>I thank you so much tuning in this year. The feedback I get about these little scribblings continues to amaze me and I appreciate it more than I can tell you...</div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div>I hope you have the happiest 2009 imaginable - </div><div><br /></div><div>A small contribution to your night and another annual tradition - MY YEAR END DANCE PARTY MIX!!! </div><div><br /></div><div>Ass-rocking tunes from this year passed! Track listing... </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Mary J. Blige</span> - Just Fine (Moto Blanco Mix)</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Estelle feat. Kanye West</span> - American Boy (Soul Seekerz Mix)</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Janet</span> - Feedback (Ralphi Rosario Mix)</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Britney Spears</span> - Break The Ice (Kaskade Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Snoop Dogg</span> - Sexual Seduction (Wideboys Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">NeYo</span> - Closer (Norty Cotto Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Alicia Keys</span> - No One (Lenny B Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Mariah Carey</span> - Touch My Body (Seamus Haji Mix)</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Natasha Bedingfield</span> - Angel (Moto Blanco Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lady GaGa</span> - Just Dance (Harry 'Choo Choo' Romero Mix)</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Madonna featuring Timbaland & Justin Timberlake</span> - 4 Minutes (Bob Sinclair Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Rihanna</span> - Disturbia (Jody Ben Broeder Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Katy Perry</span> - I Kissed A Girl (Bam Bam & Mixin' Mark Mix)</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Pink</span> - So What (Tony Arzadon Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Danity Kane</span> - Damaged (Mike Rizzo Global Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Jennifer Hudson</span> - Spotlight (Moto Blanco Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Natasha Bedingfield</span> - Pocketful of Sunshine (Stonebridge Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Paula Abdul</span> - Dance Like There's No Tomorrow (Paul Oakenfold Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Celine Dion</span> - Taking Chances (I-Soul Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Leona Lewis</span> - Bleeding Love (Jason Nevins Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lindsay Lohan</span> - Bossy (Soulshaker Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Chris Brown</span> - Forever (Cahill Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Pussycat Dolls</span> - When I Grow Up (Dave Aude Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The Ting Tings</span> - Shut Up and Let Me Go (Chris Lake Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Britney Spears</span> - Piece of Me (Vasquez & Vicious Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Natasha Bedingfield</span> - Love Like This (Johnny Vicious Mix) </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Miley Cyrus</span> - See You Again (Wideboys Mix) </div><div><br /></div><div>Download/Listen to it <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://www.zshare.net/audio/535055928cad5a2b/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">HERE</span></span></a></span>!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>That's it. For reals. </div><div><br /></div><div>Have a great night.</div><div><br /></div><div>See you in '09!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>--- Aj</div></div></div></div></div></div>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-9449615061471819182008-12-19T08:30:00.000-08:002008-12-19T12:52:26.959-08:00<div>Well happpppy holidays to you and yours!<br /><br />How ya been keeping? Well, I assume. I've been pretty decent myself.<br /><br />Last week's 10th edition of Bitch Salad was a thunderous success (save for a bit of a glitch with <strong>Laura Landauer's</strong> haunted smoke machine, but we made lemonade out of those lemons in the end...), so thank you SOOOO fucking much to each and all who came out to that. Video's will be coming soon...<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SUv0K-oA3pI/AAAAAAAACBA/BUhL2_4WdWo/s1600-h/Sister+Aloysius.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281583457468735122" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SUv0K-oA3pI/AAAAAAAACBA/BUhL2_4WdWo/s400/Sister+Aloysius.jpg" border="0" /></a>I also took in a screening of current Oscar-bait film <em>Doubt</em>, starring the amazing <strong>Meryl Streep</strong> and accordingly exceptional <strong>Amy Adams</strong>... <u>SPOILER</u>: The prevailing theme of the movie - doubt. Yep. Doubt doubt doubt. If you don't like that word, DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE - because holy fuck, they say it every 10 seconds. Another prevailing theme: Interracial pedophilia and underage drinking. So that's fun, at least.<br /><br />No... but yeah - Meryl's amazing as per usual, but all the people who will be lured to this movie based on her star-turn performances in <em>The Devil Wears Prada</em> and <em>Mamma Mia!</em> (not to mention Amy Adams' classic performance in <em>Enchanted</em>) will be sorely disappointed... the shit's a play on film... there's a lot of heavy handed dialogue and about 5 scenes. There is no fabulous makeover montage that I'm so fond of to speak of.... nope... just 5 half-hour-long scenes, generally in church offices. Anyballs... go and see it, if just to keep Meryl Streep's movie-star ball rolling. Please.<br /><br />Anyballs...<br /><br />So t'is the season... it <em>truly</em> is beginning to look a lot like Christmas (well, in Toronto, it's kinda beginning to look a lot like <em><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0319262/"><span style="color:#3333ff;">The Day After Tomorrow</span></a></em>, but I'll continue to try and view the glass as being half-full...) - and as such, I only find it fitting to impose some magical Christmas sounds I've discovered on your ears...<br /><br />The first one is FUCKING AMAZING... I am OBSESSED with this...<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281591263311359442" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 235px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SUv7RVp67dI/AAAAAAAACBI/dasw2T2Vzjc/s400/Roots,+Carpenters.jpg" border="0" />I don't know who did it or how I even came across it, but it's a mash-up of <strong>Karen Carpenter</strong> singing "The Christmas Song" and something that the Roots did... if this song could take a human form, it would look like your mild-mannered, Christmas-sweater-wearing, Nanaimo-bar-baking Aunt Judith stoned out of her mind on some demented Barbadosian weed. It's just fucking genius.<br /><br />Download/Listen to it <strong><a href="http://www.zshare.net/audio/5298538209881ce5/"><span style="font-size:180%;color:#3333ff;">HERE</span></a></strong>!!!<br /><br />The next offering comes from one of the breakout starts of 2008 - <strong>Lady GaGa</strong>.<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281595183958875346" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 266px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SUv-1jNIXNI/AAAAAAAACBQ/1RedFTqwUns/s400/Lady-Gaga-music-10.jpg" border="0" />Ohhh Lady GaGa. Substantial props for assuming a stage name that starts with "Lady" - it's very regal... further props for bringing back the zany super-hero aesthetic to pop music... and, final props for merging your signature Betty-Boop-on-meth-voice coupled with your thinly veiled crass sexual metaphors with the Christmas Spirit. Thank God for Lady GaGa and her Christmas single, "Christmas Tree" - although I'm sure, I heartily assume it's just another metaphor for a big, sturdy cock. With lyrics like "Light me up, put me on top, let's fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la", anyone who listens to this is sure to be filled with Christmas Spirit. Or hot, piping spunk. One of the two.<br /><br />Download/Listen to it <strong><a href="http://www.zshare.net/audio/5298468788ce464c/"><span style="font-size:180%;color:#3333ff;">HERE</span></a></strong>!!!<br /><br />The penultimate offering comes from a sultry-voiced dance music queen named <strong>Kirstine W</strong>., who you probably wouldn't know unless you're a gay remix enthusiast, which I just so happen to totally be, so...<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281599466092951202" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 246px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SUwCuzZc9qI/AAAAAAAACBY/2qr3mbfHHYs/s400/012208074838-3.jpg" border="0" />She recently released an album entitled "Mr. Christmas", featuring dance-i-fied versions of several Christmas songs, including (but not limited to) "Oh Holy Night", "Mary, Did You Know" and "Favourite Things"... but there's one song she did that jumped right out of me, a cover of "Hard Candy Christmas" from the musical <em>The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas</em>. The song - about carrying on in the face of hard times... specifically, loss, be it financial or personal - has specific resonance this year, what with the horrific financial climate.<br /><br />It also has significance for me, because <em>The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas</em> was the first musical my parents took me to see (odd choice, I know, but it just happened to be what the Brockville Operatic Society was doing at the time...) It was bizarre... I remember it vividly... Oddly enough, my French Teacher - Madame Darroch - was in it, playing a whore, who said the line "shit" after being left out of an orgy of football players. This blew my mind... ANYBALLS - I remember crying my fucking eyes out at the end when the whores were evacuated from the whorehouse singing "Hard Candy Christmas".<br /><br />Anyballs... GOOD SONG... Download/Listen to it <strong><a href="http://www.zshare.net/audio/52985790364b5d06/"><span style="font-size:180%;color:#3333ff;">HERE</span></a></strong>!!!<br /><br />But... the ultimate offering - I'm talkin' the aural equivalent of gold, mer and mothafuckin' frankincense up in herre - that I can give you this season has to be a track off of outsider-musician (and close personal friend of mine) <strong>Heidi Brander's</strong> sophomore Christmas album, "Pair Noel"...<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281603708747693714" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 372px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SUwGlwhKvpI/AAAAAAAACBg/zSiILmcfvgA/s400/l_43194d9dfaa34f88be600ca0f577a68b.jpg" border="0" />Background: Last Christmastime, Heidi surprised all of us in my friendship circle with a full-length Christmas album she recorded. It was amazing. I made her a myspace page. She's really taken off.<br /><br />This year's follow-up was a collection of yule tide duets - "Pair Noel". We had a listening party last night, and it was absolutely bonkers. Well worth listening to each and every song. But I'm not made of time, so I'll post the duet that I did with her... in the style of Whitney Houston featuring Bobbi Kristina from her Christmas album "One Wish", here's Heidi featuring me raping and murdering "The Li'l Drummer Boy"...<br /><br />Download/Listen to it <a href="http://www.zshare.net/audio/52986725e83b5c66/"><strong><span style="font-size:180%;color:#3333ff;">HERE</span></strong></a>!!!<br /><br />And I strongly urge you to visit <strong><a href="http://www.myspace.com/heidibrander"><span style="color:#3333ff;">Heidi's myspace</span></a></strong> page to hear more...<br /><br />Anyballs - that's it for me. This snow better stop at some point.<br /><br />Back on Monday with a countdown!!!<br /><br />Have a good one,<br /><br />--- Aj</div>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-67149310292900905402008-12-08T10:28:00.001-08:002008-12-08T13:49:46.450-08:00Big Whoop! Who Gives a Bibble? Gabba Gabba Hey.It's been a while since I've gabba gabba hey'd, hasn't it?<br /><br />So, hi...<br /><br />How was your weekend? Mine sucked toad ballsacks. I was in Hamilton slinging 'funny' all weekend to a crowd of - if I could borrow a page from Liz Lemon - "whittling, jug blowing IHOP monkeys" who couldn't have cared less. I didn't know this about Hamilton - but it's a mountain town. As in <em>it's on a mountain</em>. A snow-capped one, to boot. Well, no. But there <em>were</em> substantial thermal differences, that's for sure. Anyballs - this is boring... moving on:<br /><br />A few things...<br /><br />1.) The most <strong><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/us/AP-Slave-Lesson.html?_r=1"><span style="color:#3333ff;">hilarious thing</span></a></strong> I've <em>read</em> in a while...<br /><br />Some amazingly kooky lady named <strong>Eileen Bernstein</strong> who teaches social studies at a public school in the outer boroughs of New York was teaching her class of 12-year-olds about slavery. She decides to, well, <em>get creative</em> in this history lesson by taking two black girls in the class, BINDING THEM TOGETHER, then making them crawl under a desk to replicate how conditions were on a slave boat... Holy fuck... that is out of control... and SO something that would have happened in my hometown of Brockville.<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/ST2P9xqzw7I/AAAAAAAACAw/x2UxlFitNJI/s1600-h/9780141306865L.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277532629815772082" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 105px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 173px" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/ST2P9xqzw7I/AAAAAAAACAw/x2UxlFitNJI/s400/9780141306865L.jpg" border="0" /></a>I remember learning about slavery - we didn't have any black kids for the teacher to force into any such creative anachronism (we didn't even have anyone who looked remotely swarthy, for that matter...), but make no mistake about it - if we did, the teacher totally would have done something like that and thought that it would have been a really instrumental learning experience. Instead, we just read the Barbara Smucker novel "Underground To Canada" - a touching story of a young slave named June Lilly (versioned to Ju'Lilly, for short), "followin' the drinkin' gourd" (the big dipper in slavetalk) on the underground railroad to Canada and, ultimately, freedom.<br /><br />Because in Canada, as my teacher put it at the time, if you owned slaves, "it would have been like wearing a New Kids On The Block T-Shirt"... this was around 1993, so yes, that reference had a lot of weight behind it.<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/ST2TvYeHxMI/AAAAAAAACA4/41sKnc1xfLk/s1600-h/FullHouse_andrea-barber1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277536780580013250" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 228px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 227px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/ST2TvYeHxMI/AAAAAAAACA4/41sKnc1xfLk/s400/FullHouse_andrea-barber1.jpg" border="0" /></a>2.) The most <strong><a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=kimmy%20gibbler"><span style="color:#3333ff;">hilarious thing</span></a></strong> I've heard in a while...<br /><br />C/o urban dictionary.com - <strong><em>The Kimmy Gibbler</em></strong>: When you refuse to leave after you have a one night stand, even when they ask you nicely.<br /><br />The sentence they provide as an example: "Last night I met some whore at the bar....we came back to my place and she gave me the Kimmy Gibbler....she fucked the hell out of me and then refused to go home when I asked her nicely."<br /><br />Ugh - I have been Kimmy Gibbler-d so many times I can't handle it. I can't tell you how nice it is to finally have a name for when that happens.<br /><br />3.) The most hilarious thing I've seen in a while...<br /><br />The purported cover work for <strong>Whitney Houston's</strong> long-awaited comeback album...<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/ST1t2vaEG-I/AAAAAAAACAg/KU7_7cjze2o/s1600-h/Whitney.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277495125554240482" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/ST1t2vaEG-I/AAAAAAAACAg/KU7_7cjze2o/s400/Whitney.jpg" border="0" /></a>Yeah. No.<br /><br />Devastatingly, this is not it. It's some sort of fan-generated photoshopping.<br /><br />You don't know desperate every fibre of my being was that this was actually it, because this would have been fucking amazing.<br /><br />I'll bet the actual album cover will be her sitting there looking Dionne Warwick-esque in a cream turtle neck surrounded by Laura Ashley-isms, as opposed to this little nugget that makes the last Pussycat Dolls album cover look like it was shot by Anne Geddes...<br /><br />In other Whitney Houston news - <a href="http://www.torontosun.com/entertainment/celebrities/2008/11/29/7575006-sun.html"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">reports</span></strong></a> that her and Bobby B were on the verge of reconciliation were met by a resounding "Hell To The No!" by Whitney's press rep. Or at least they should have been.<br /><br />The most hilarious thing ever ever ever EVER ever...<br /><br />TOMORROW NIGHT!!!<br /><br /><p align="center"><a href="http://s52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/?action=view&current=TwastheBITCHSALADbeforeChristmas.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" src="http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/TwastheBITCHSALADbeforeChristmas.jpg" border="0" /></a></p> AHHHH! Can you even fucking handle it?!?!? I certainly can't.<br /><br />And...<br /><br />One more thing...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/ST1wa6qMIHI/AAAAAAAACAo/ozyJMjSTuDY/s1600-h/Troy.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277497946073210994" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 283px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/ST1wa6qMIHI/AAAAAAAACAo/ozyJMjSTuDY/s400/Troy.jpg" border="0" /></a>I would be remiss if I didn't mention the passing of a Toronto comedian and friend of mine, <strong>Troy Dixon</strong>.<br /><br />He died in a car crash Saturday night - from what I've pieced together, he was travelling in the dead of snow squall country somewhere around Guelph driving back from a gig when he hit a patch of black ice and crashed. Game over. Very sad.<br /><br />He was just about the nicest guy ever, a TERRIFIC comedian and, as you can tell from the photo, a searingly hot piece (Troy was well-aware that he had a standing invitation to, at any time, sit, full-weight, on my face).<br /><br />His death is sad for so many reasons... Of course, it's heart-breaking to his family and close friends and anyone connected with him in any way, as we've lost a human life - but it's particularly sad and terrifying because of the way it happened... a fluke patch of black ice while driving home from a gig - something that could have happened to ANY of us... I was on the road all weekend - this easily could have happened to me.<br /><br />To me, the saddest thing about this is that Troy was just on his way up... he was just getting good and all of a sudden, this happens. It really makes you question this whole concept of "destiny" what the point of all this is. Well no - the point of all this is that we are all so temporary and fragile and it can be over any second, so for fuck sake's, if ever you needed reason to tell anyone that you loved you love them, let this be it.<br /><br />Anyballs... Rest in peace, Troy.<br /><br />That's about it...<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-89739405076903694052008-12-02T08:08:00.000-08:002008-12-04T11:08:36.985-08:00Catchin' Up...<div><div><div><div><div><div><div><div><div>Wowza.<br /><br />It's been some time. I think since Obama won or some garbage.<br /><br />It's so awkward to come back to the blogosphere after being AWOL for so, so long. It's like running into a a good friend who you just haven't talked to out of sheer laziness/asshole-ish aloofness and all you can do is exchange pleasantries and talk about how brutal this winter is going to presumably be.<br /><br />I'm sorry for that. Been a little bit busy. Doing what, exactly?<br /><br />Oh this and that. That and this. Giggin'... Hallowe'en-in'... goin'-through-a-break-up-in'... and lastly, protestin'... yes, protestin'...<br /><br />I'll elaborate:<br /><br /><strong>Giggin'</strong>: Well, it finally happened. I'm actually getting road work as a comic now. It's exactly as different-yet-as-similar as I'd always expected it to be. Some of it good: I've had surprisingly delightful experiences in semi-urban Ontarian centres like Kitchener and London... Some of them very bad: I played a gig last Thursday at George Brown college right here in Toronto for an audience that was 90% East Indian (Jamaica and Trinidad, at least, were audibly "in da house") which was so beyond horrific that news of that Wal-Mart employee that was trampled to death by a discounted-XBox-hungry mob seemed downright humane by comparison. OOH-WEE... if every I needed a reminder that comedy is indeed hard, that was it. I <em>actually</em> muttered "I'm still getting paid for this either way" for the first time. Anyballs... it was pretty awesome.<br /><br /><strong><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STWPiq2_sDI/AAAAAAAAB_Y/HAtehdtGaXc/s1600-h/Lainey.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275280364317683762" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 289px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 364px" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STWPiq2_sDI/AAAAAAAAB_Y/HAtehdtGaXc/s400/Lainey.jpg" border="0" /></a>Hallowe'enin'</strong>: I think it's been customary since Aught'5 that I post a comprehensive recap of my Hallowe'en... despite the fact that it was well-over a month ago, I feel the need to commit it to the annals of my blog (yes... annals...)<br /><br />I was bouncing around a lot of costume options...<br /><br />The forerunners were <strong>Rio</strong> from <em>Jem & The Holograms</em> (pending someone else went as gem... or else I'd just look like a tranny in a purple wig)... or <strong>Elaine Stritch</strong>... specifically, Elaine Stritch from her one woman show, "Elaine Stritch: Live At Liberty... it would have been sooo super easy... Flowing blouse, meemaw wig, cheap pearls, black tights, heels, a stool, and some long winded stories about my days treadin' the boards at the Schubert theatre...<br /><br />After substantial rumination, I ultimately decided that going as Elaine Stritch was a.) thoroughly random and b.) devastatingly unsexy... and if Hallowe'en is about one thing, it's about being sexy... so I racked my brain, yet nothing... then, in a brainstorming session with Yerxa - who, incidentally was torn between Meryl Streep from "Mamma Mia" and Liza Minnelli... again, sexiness won out and Liza it was... - jogged my imagination when he asked me "well... have there been any newsmakers recently?"... which is funny in itself because a few years ago we were thinking about theming our costumes out of NEWSMAKERS - and going as Elizabeth Smart and Jennifer Willbanks (the runway bride with crazy eyes), but that ultimately proved futile... I'm not making sense/being boring - I'll get to the point...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STWYykfFvII/AAAAAAAAB_g/t20_6A-lM48/s1600-h/10.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275290533089361026" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STWYykfFvII/AAAAAAAAB_g/t20_6A-lM48/s320/10.jpg" border="0" /></a>So in a last minute stroke of creativity I decided to version a costume out of the gay cannibal - <strong>Anthony Morley</strong>, the disgraced former "Mr. Gay UK" in its inaugural year (1993) who was recently convicted of killing and eating his former lover - that a surprisingly and encouragingly large amount of people <em>got</em>. Particularly these two dudes dressed as Latter Day Saint's church elders who I almost had a threeway with, but that's a story for another time...<br /><br />The costume was exorbitantly expensive to make. On the plus side, I am fucking superstar at iron-ing on letters onto delicate fabrics. If anyone wants some Laverne &/or Shirley-esque monogramed sweaters, I'm your man.<br /><br />Moving on...<br /><br /><strong>Goin'-through-a-break-up-in'</strong>: I won't say too much about this, because I - much like the late Princess Diana - am famously guarded about my private life. But yes, I went through a bit of a break-up this autumn. I'll surmise it's when's, what's and how's like this: Remember that episode arc in season 5 of "Sex & The City" when Carrie meets Jack Berger? And things are going ridiculously well? And then she's dumped via a post-it? And then she sees his friends out at a club, one of them makes a sweeping statement implying that they had insight into Carrie & Berger's relationship that Carrie didn't have, then Carrie freaks out on the friends?<br /><br />Yeah. Same thing happened to me. Only no post-it. <em>Yeah</em>. Anyballs - that's the extent of what I'll say about <em>that</em>.<br /><br /><strong>Protestin'</strong>: First thing's first: What is Prop 8? Proposition 8 - or, rather, Propisition H8 as it's been predictably coined in this age of Internet shorthand/functional illiteracy - is and was a proposition on California's latest ballot that, if passed would amend the California state constitution to prohibit gays, lesbians and everything in between from marrying. It would staunchly define marriage as between a man and a woman - no if's, and's and/or but's. Leading up to the vote, millions upon millions of dollars was raised to drum up pro-Prop 8 propaganda (say that three times fast, jeez louise...) Typical Evangelical double-speak saying that this was about "protecting marriage" and terrifying people into voting for it. Regretably, Propisition 8 passed by a slim margin.<br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STgB3KvRh7I/AAAAAAAAB_o/3OX1cX7SOiE/s1600-h/09a.jpg"></a><br />This has spurred the biggest civil rights 'debate' of our time (and I'm talking about my generation in particular... so chill the fuck out people who lived through segregation) - if I had to try my hand at succinctly summing up this debate, this is what I understand it to be:<br /><br />On the far right side, you have deeply religious, illogical people who are absolutely "no-way, no-how" and absolutely refuse to see homosexuality as anything less than a demonic disease that they're terrified would thoroughly permeate their beings if allowed some sort of constitutional recognition or protection.<br /><br />On the centre-right you have median religious people who, in their lighter moments, <em>tolerate</em> homosexuality and won't lose sleep if they happen to catch 5 minutes of the odd rerun of <em>Will & Grace</em>, but still very much believe it to be somewhat of a perverse 'lifestyle choice' and thereby not worthy of constitutional recognition or protection. These people think that a vote for Prop 8 doesn't make them a bigot, it just makes them traditional.<br /><br />On the centre-left, you have people who are all "love is love" and, although it's not my cup their cup of tea, don't believe it's their business to tell someone who they can and cannot love and thoroughly believe that the Bruce Cockburn song "<strong><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dGNDUdtNh8"><span style="color:#3333ff;">Lovers In A Dangerous Time</span></a></strong>" rings especially true today. These people are adorable.<br /><br />Then, on the far-left you have people who are absolutely disgusted, saddened and furious that we're still going through this systematic oppression of people questioning our existence and culture as being a choice in the name of "The Bible" and are simply going to do something about it.<br /><br />Queue the protests - held globally - including one right here in Toronto in front of the US Consulate that I braved perfectly awful weather for (for realz: it was the thermal equivalent of a dead elderly woman's vagina)...<br /><br /></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275969185380958386" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 228px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STgCBVSKALI/AAAAAAAAB_w/fvW-yBgX0Qc/s400/09a.jpg" border="0" />That's me with my fellow civil rights warriors, Heid and Anth.<br /><br />I know that it's kind of redundant to be protesting this on Canadian soil - as we have gay marriage and strict hate crime/speech laws in place here - but the reality is that as Canadians, we take more cultural queues from the US than we generate on our own, so I was there to join the impact in changing the attitude that being gay is a choice - it is an irrefutable biological predisposition.<br /><br />And also... because I made some <em>really hilarious signs</em>...<br /><br />The first:<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275970998262541666" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 259px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STgDq2yzrWI/AAAAAAAAB_4/a2lvdQp_hrM/s400/10.jpg" border="0" />It garned much more agreement than disagreement, let me tell ya.<br /><br />The Mormon church mobilized its membership and, in a bona fide recession, raised over 20 million dollars to pass a proposition that defines marriage as being between 1 man and 1 woman - which is a very different tune than they were whistling a short while ago. *cough-POLYGAMY-cough*.<br /><br />Since then, they've undergone understandable scrutiny - and they just can't possibly imagine <em>why</em>. It's an amazing case of the aggressor playing the victim. Absolutely amazing. They argue that they were expressing their religious freedoms... no, you formed a crazed mob with a political agenda in the name of religion. Which is pretty fucked up. You know - I really don't have a problem with many religious freaks... like the Amish. I fucking love the Amish, and you know why? Because they may be fucking freaks, but they mind their own fucking business. They are not out trying to force anyone to go the way of their buggy (however, given the recent financial and ecological crises and the fact that bonnet's are due for a couture comeback any day now, they just might be onto something)... The Mormon's are crying 'victim' - reporting that white powder has been anonymously sent to several of their churches as a scare tactic. Again - given your recent scheming, what possible reason do we have to not believe that y'all aren't doing it to y'all's selves to add to y'all's already heaping pile of propaganda?<br /><br />Anyballs - for this reason, some of my signage could have been considered a little anti-Mormon...<br /><br />Yeah. I don't have a specific hate on for Donny and/or Marie - in fact, I was quite concerned when she <strong><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkl695BZjH0"><span style="color:#3333ff;">took a tumble</span></a></strong> on <em>Dancing With The Stars</em> last season - but they're kinda the poster children for the Mormon church. So que sera sera.<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275971002229194450" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 259px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STgDrFkh_tI/AAAAAAAACAA/H-xL3fUoAH8/s400/11.jpg" border="0" />I'll half-admit that this one might have been a little heavy-handed...<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275971005378920962" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 259px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STgDrRTfAgI/AAAAAAAACAI/b3SoHCKwWT0/s400/12.jpg" border="0" />Meh. Whatcha gonna do.<br /><br />Of course this one pertains to the threat that Stephen "The Least Talented One" Baldwin's threat that if Obama won, <a href="http://www.celebitchy.com/15951/stephen_baldwin_calls_out_barack_obama/"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">he'd move to Canada</span></strong></a>...<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275971011202728306" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 259px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STgDrm__QXI/AAAAAAAACAQ/OBbUcMcTCLE/s400/13.jpg" border="0" />... A claim he quickly <a href="http://www.celebitchy.com/22828/stephen_baldwin_says_he_was_joking_about_move_to_canada_if_obama_won/"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">rebuffed</span></strong></a> a few days after I was seen brandishing this sign at the protest. Coincidence. Most indefinitely NOT. You're welcome Canada.<br /><br /><em>Sidebar</em>: Back when I was working my first pseudo-intern-bullshit-entertainment-industry job for some kooky lady that did publicity on film sets, we were working on a balls awful direct-to-DVD sci-fi movie called <em>Earth Storm</em> - and it starred none other than Stephen Baldwin. And I was in charge of shooting the interviews for the DVD extras. So I have sat face to face with the man for upwards to and including 45 minutes. "Douchebag" does not being to describe him. Actually - I take that back. I think he could have been a lot worse. Anyballs - I had to do extensive research on him beforehand and found out that A.) He was recently "born again" and B.) Not at all happy to discuss some of his 'spicier' film work i.e. "Threesome" and "Bio-Dome"... so BITCH YOU KNOW I BROUGHT IT UP... and no, he was not happy. But he KNEW it was a deliberate move to piss him off... and looked at me like "You just had to go there"... it was pretty amazing.<br /><br />And a short week later I called the Toronto Film Festival head office and used his name to finagle myself tickets to the closing night gala. BOOM! YA BURT, STEPHEN BALDWIN, YA BURNT!<br /><br />Anyballs...<br /><br />This last poster is kind of random, but Anthony - who's thoroughly obsessed with the show <strong><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b30CLSFaEz0"><span style="color:#3333ff;">227</span></a></strong> - insisted on me making some 227-themed protest fare, so here's what we came up with:<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275971010518272322" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 259px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/STgDrkczSUI/AAAAAAAACAY/8EgxM9WIVXk/s400/14.jpg" border="0" />So yeah. Protesting can be fun!<br /><br />But on a serious note - I've been following this 'debate' very closely and intensely... I patronizingly air-quote 'debate' because I think it's ridiculous that this is even a fucking discussion... the fact that the validity of someone's existence as a citizen of this world is a "DEBATE" is fucking BONKERS...<br /><br />Anyway, in trying to make some sense out of it - I've come across to fantastic articles that really drum home some fantastic points about how the other side works...<br /><br />The first one is an interview with gay Catholic author <strong>Richard Rodriguez</strong> entitled "<strong><a href="http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2008/11/25/proposition_8_religion/index.html"><span style="color:#3333ff;">Why churches fear gay marriage</span></a></strong>". It's a fucking magnificent read and brought up so many points that I would have never considered.<br /><br />In it, he really explores the dichotomy of being A.) gay and Catholic and B.) gay and of a traditionally religious ethnic minority - and reconciling all of that. He talks about how it's important to not use blasphemy as a weapon - which I reluctantly understand... but it's so fun to!!! Whatevs.<br /><br />But the most provocative point he makes is this:<br /><br /><blockquote>"<strong>Q: You said recently the real issue behind the anti-gay marriage movement is the crisis in the family. What do you mean?</strong><br /><br />A: American families are under a great deal of stress. The divorce rate isn't declining, it's increasing. And the majority of American women are now living alone. We are raising children in America without fathers. I think of Michael Phelps at the Olympics with his mother in the stands. His father was completely absent. He was negligible; no one refers to him, no one noticed his absence.<br /><br />The possibility that a whole new generation of American males is being raised by women without men is very challenging for the churches. I think they want to reassert some sort of male authority over the order of things. I think the pro-Proposition 8 movement was really galvanized by an insecurity that churches are feeling now with the rise of women.<br /><br />Monotheistic religions feel threatened by the rise of feminism and the insistence, in many communities, that women take a bigger role in the church. At the same time that women are claiming more responsibility for their religious life, they are also moving out of traditional roles as wife and mother. This is why abortion is so threatening to many religious people -- it represents some rejection of the traditional role of mother.<br /><br />In such a world, we need to identify the relationship between feminism and homosexuality. These movements began, in some sense, to achieve visibility alongside one another. I know a lot of black churches take offense when gay activists say that the gay movement is somehow analogous to the black civil rights movement. And while there is some relationship between the persecution of gays and the anti-miscegenation laws in the United States, I think the true analogy is to the women's movement. What we represent as gays in America is an alternative to the traditional male-structured society. The possibility that we can form ourselves sexually -- even form our sense of what a sex is -- sets us apart from the traditional roles we were given by our fathers."</blockquote>Yeah. I think that's fucking brilliant. I think that heterosexual male insecurity over the fact that they just might not be able to institutionalize subordination of anyone who's not them makes so much sense it almost actually blows my mind. But really - that entire interview is so chock-full of nuggets, I'd highly recommend you read it in its entirety.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/29/opinion/29blow.html?_r=1"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Article number 2</span></strong></a>: Op-Ed piece by one <strong>Charles M. Blow</strong> (I'll bet he is), about the exorbitant amount of black people who voted for Prop 8, the reasoning behind that, and proposed resolutions to it.<br /><br />In the article, he says a lot of the accountability lies with black women (I'd be damned if it was any of the sistas that I know... but apparently, it's a big deal).<br /><br />The money quote by estimation:<br /><br /><blockquote>"First, comparing the struggles of legalizing interracial marriage with those to legalize gay marriage is a bad idea. Many black women do not seem to be big fans of interracial marriage either. They’re the least likely of all groups to intermarry, and many don’t look kindly on the <a href="http://hosted.law.wisc.edu/lawreview/issues/2007-2/banks.pdf">black men who intermarry</a> at nearly three times the rate that they do, according to a 2005 study of black intermarriage rates in the Wisconsin Law Review. Wrong reference. Don’t even go there.<br /><br />Second, don’t debate the Bible. You can’t win. Religious faith is not defined by logic, it defies it. Instead, decouple the legal right from the religious rite, and emphasize the idea of acceptance without endorsement."</blockquote>So true. So wise.<br /><br />I guess I found these articles so interesting because I'm so staunchly secular, and can't even reason how this mythology fits into the equation, so it was helpful to read those and get some perspective.<br /><br />But ultimately, the solution to all of this is going to be quite simple: 87% of people in my generation voted against Prop 8. It's a matter of the older people who were for Prop 8 dying. Plain and simple. And they are, so that's comforting.<br /><br />Anyballs - so that kinda catches us up to snuff, I suppose.<br /><br />Guess what's upon us?!<br /><br />Thaaat's right - ONE WEEK TODAY!!!<br /><p align="center"><a href="http://s52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/?action=view&current=TwastheBITCHSALADbeforeChristmas.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" src="http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/TwastheBITCHSALADbeforeChristmas.jpg" border="0" /></a></p>Our 10th Annivesary Spectacular!!!<br /><br />And in honour of that...<br /><br />Here's the mix... that I play before the show... for your cardio-doing/pre-drinking pleasure...<br /><br />Track listing:<br /><br />Soul Avengerz feat. Zena Chavez - Move (Original)<br />Shontelle - T-Shirt (Josh Harris Mix)<br />Mariah Carey - I'm That Chick (Craig C. Mix)<br />Kanye West - Love Lockdown (Chew Fu Small Room Mix)<br />Flo Rida - In The Ayer (Jason Nevins Mix)<br />David Archuleta - Crush (Mike Rizzo Global Mix)<br />Christina Aguilera - Keeps Gettin' Better (Jody Den Broeder Mix)<br />The Saturdays - Up (Wideboys Mix)<br />The Veronicas - Untouched (Eddie Amador Mix)<br />Madonna - Miles Away (Morgan Page Mix)<br />Solange - Sandcastle Disco (Freemasons Mix)<br />Pussycat Dolls - I Hate This Part (Moto Blanco Mix)<br />Beyonce - Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) (RedTop Mix)<br />Lady GaGa - Poker Face (Glam As You Mix)<br />Britney Spears - Womanizer (Digital Dog Mix)<br /><br />Download/Listen to it <strong><a href="http://www.zshare.net/audio/521341727c1e0ca3/"><span style="font-size:180%;color:#3333ff;">HERE</span></a></strong>!<br /><br />So that's that. So good to be back.<br /><br />Obligatorily yours,<br /><br />--- Aj</div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-69010805518218000832008-11-05T11:54:00.001-08:002008-11-06T12:52:18.225-08:00That "Yes We Can" BlogWow wow wow wow wow...<br /><br />So yeah, apparently, there was some sort of political to-do in the United States earlier this week.<br /><strong>Barack Obama</strong> won the presidency of the United States of America Tuesday evening, and it was a huge fucking deal.<br /><br />I did not anticipate it being as big of a deal as it was at all. I can remember watching the 2004 election results, and it was the bust to bust all busts. Quite literally. I was up until 2 AM and the tone was both grim AND uneventful. It was weird. And then, by morning, we knew nothing. Of course it turned out that Bush would still be all up in our business for four more quite inglorious years - with exit polls explaining that the top issue was 'protection of values' (i.e. "Gays marrying? Not on my watch!") trumping four more years of Bushs' misguidance.<br /><br />Anyballs. I was expecting it to be another toss-up this year - and that no one would know anything until morning. This is why I opted out of any sort of social gatherings... I thought it would just be a bust and I'd be under slept and disappointed in the morning. How very, very wrong I was.<br /><br />I was watching CNN - not NBC - so I was in the company of yer <strong>Wolf Blizter's</strong>, yer <strong>Candy Crowley's</strong>, yer <strong>Soledad O'Brien's</strong> and of course, yer <strong>Andy Cooper's</strong>. I had read earlier that day that the first polls closing would be McCain states, so it's going to look like McCain is leading off the bat, but he's not. All I can remember all night was Obama in a menacing lead at every point.<br /><br />I can then remember when Ohio was called - apparently that was the kicker. This was confirmed by <strong>Dana Bash</strong>, who - beside being the terrifying hybrid of <strong>Janice</strong> from <em>The Muppets</em> and <strong>Felicity</strong> "Bree" <strong>Huffman</strong> in <em>Transamerica</em>...<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5265631484977579410" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 186px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SRNH7-QzhZI/AAAAAAAAB_A/SgnQdL6M5fM/s400/Dana+Bash.jpg" border="0" />FOR REALS! <strong>WHAT - IS - WRONG -WITH - HER - <em>FACE</em></strong>?!?!<br /><br />Anyballs - Dana Bash said at that moment, heart's sank at the McCain party, where she and her busted tranny muppet face were. Apparently - they didn't even announce it to the crowd... that's how heart-sinking it was.<br /><br />Still, I wasn't sold. This is going to take HOURS I thought to myself. I kept the TV on. There were a bunch of fat asshole talking head politic-<em>ista's</em> yammering around in circles about what this would mean for the country... yadda yadda yadda...<br /><br />At approximately 11:05 (mere minutes after the Western polls closed), Andy Cooper and Soledad O'Brien were making some inane CNN smalltalk about Iowa when SHAZAM - without an ounce of ceremony, the banner changes to read "Barack Obama Elected President" and we cut to crowds cheering for nigh on 10 minutes.<br /><br />And I absolutely lost my shit.<br /><br />And had no idea why.<br /><br />But I did - lost it. My shit. Completely.<br /><br />The more I think about it, I think it was a cry of relief. Certainly a release of adrenaline, because this was so built up in <em>everyone's</em> subconscious, but relief. The nightmare is over. For once - and I quite literally mean once, in recent history - the American people used common sense and did not subscribe to unsubstantiated phobias... well, at least <em>enough</em> of them didn't...<br /><br />That's the thing, though. I went into this appropriately cynical. With the expectation that the Obama situation was too good to be true, and in the end, the US would blow it and opt for more of the same. I cried out of relief and astonishment that "Holy fuck... this <em>IS</em> a reality now". The good guy finally fucking won.<br /><br />Even if this is a complete crap shoot and he fucks things up immeasurably/can't repair enough of Bushs' damage - I'll always have the memory of that relief and that hope. I think it was a moment the world NEEDED to have. At this moment in time, and for so many reasons beyond the immediate ones.<br /><br />I also cried out of relativity to the plight of the African American population and what this meant to them - of course I now feel a little less sympathetic considering their involvement in passing California's ghoulish Proposition 8, but I'll get to that in a bit.<br /><br />Anyballs - you know what it was like?! Quite literally - it reminded me of American Idol, Season 3 when <strong>Fantasia Barrino</strong> beat <strong>Diana DeGarmo</strong>. I'M ENTIRELY SERIOUS... don't remember it? Here...<br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/iz7Q8qNCVOY&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/iz7Q8qNCVOY&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>Fantasia - the exponentially more talented yet controversial choice - beating remarkably similar pageant queen Diana. It was like a modern-day fairy-tale, much like Tuesday night...<br /><br />I know, I know - any excuse to talk about Fantasia. Deal. With. It.<br /><br />So yeah... soon after came McCain's concession speech. Flanked by the ever-vacant Cindy and the y'know, just, Sarah & Todd Palin, he came off certainly classier than he had during his campaign. It was a very dignified moment, save for the drunk yokels in the crowd who booed every time McCain's brought up Obama. Sidebar: When the cut to Palin, she actually looked disappointed and surprised to have lost. Like in the way a spoiled 9-year-old looks disappointed and surprised when they don't get a pet Unicorn for their birthday. Either scenario is equally implausible.<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SRNV63G-bqI/AAAAAAAAB_I/906LJLZanck/s1600-h/Obamily.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5265646859040222882" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 284px" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SRNV63G-bqI/AAAAAAAAB_I/906LJLZanck/s400/Obamily.jpg" border="0" /></a>Cut to Obama's victory speech in Chicago - I was especially moved by the image of America's new First Family. It also hit me that as excited as I am about Obama being the next president, I think I'm <em>more</em> excited about <strong>Michelle Obama</strong> being the next first lady. <em>WORK!</em><br /><br />Then came Obama's speech. I lost my shit again - NUTS! I can tell you the exact moment it occurred... when he said: "It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled..." - that just hit me like a ton of joy-bricks. For the first time, the President of the United States of America recognizing the minority group and biological predisposition of which I belong as part of his constituency. Not disregarding it as some unspeakable, perverse 'lifestyle choice' like past presidents - but recognizing it, <em>saying</em> it. That honestly meant the world. And that's kind of sad, really. How low that bar of expectation is. But yeah... baby steps...<br /><br />Anyballs - this trumps 9/11 as the definitive moment of my generation. Why? Because for the first time, my generation - the millenials - has its first significant moment that we can take responsibility for, the first item of history that we produced. And that, along with freshly tracked crow's feet I've discovered (Editor's note: ACK!), makes me feel really fucking old.<br /><br />And that's the sense that I've made out of this.<br /><br />Congrats to you, America!<br /><br />Smell ya later,<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-23135563597013598502008-10-22T10:48:00.000-07:002008-10-22T12:26:35.473-07:00The Bee's KneesAnd a good Wednesday to you.<br /><br />Last night I braved the snow - YES, SNOW. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! - to venture out to the cinema to take in "<em>The Secret Life of Bees</em>".<br /><br />I'd tell you more about it, but it's a secret.<br /><br />No. It wasn't so great. I enjoyed it, because I enjoy things that feature black ladies, but me-don't-thinks anybody's gonna be winning any Oscars from it.<br /><br />It featured quite serviceable performances by <strong>Jennifer Hudson</strong> (who, yes, as it turns out, <em>can</em> act after all... suck it, <em>Sex & The City: The Movie</em> and the doubts that arose thereafter) and apparent cellist Alicia Keys - who, by the by, played the bitchy sister. Make no mistake about that.<br /><br /><strong><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SP9rchTSxCI/AAAAAAAAB-g/G832q_lmzGE/s1600-h/None+of+your+%27Bees%27+wax.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5260041027511829538" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SP9rchTSxCI/AAAAAAAAB-g/G832q_lmzGE/s400/None+of+your+%27Bees%27+wax.jpg" border="0" /></a>Queen Latifah</strong> looked the portrait of a 1960's bee-keeping bull dyke (I know - <em>is there any other kind</em>?). Latifah is fast cornering the market on wise, elder authoritative black ladies... kinda like a female <strong>Morgan Freeman</strong>.<br /><br /><strong>Dakota Fanning</strong> was her usual intense, precocious self. I don't care how <a href="http://justjared.buzznet.com/2008/10/19/dakota-fanning-joins-cheerleading-squad/"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">normal</span></strong></a> an adolescence she's seeming to have, that bitch is always going to be the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWWjtz5c6JA"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">ringleader</span></strong></a> from <em>Village of the Damned</em> to me.<br /><br />The real revelation of the evening (if there was one) was <strong>Sophie Okonedo</strong> as borderline retarded sister, Mae. I actually put her right up there with <strong>Sean Penn</strong> in "I Am Sam", <strong>Dustin Hoffman</strong> in "Rain Man" and <strong>Rosie O'Donnell</strong> in "Riding The Bus With My Sister" in terms of commendable cinematic portrayals of specially abled folk. Look at me being so PC. Ooh La La!<br /><br />It must have kind of sucked for Sophie Okonedo, though. She's this fucking RADA-trained tragedian and she's playing opposite people whose acting credits include "Charlotte's Web", American Idol, "The Nanny Diaries" and of course, "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-m8fllPfl6A"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Living Single</span></strong></a>".<br /><br />I will say this about Jennifer Hudson, though: Just like the saying goes that "nobody gets beaten to death like <strong>Hilary Swank</strong>", no one can go from desperate to sassy like Jennifer Hudson. I'm very happy to know that she's finding her niche.<br /><br /><u>In other news:</u><br /><br />Have you seen this yet? Y'should.<br /><br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/l40nrw3V3GA&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/l40nrw3V3GA&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>Wow.<br /><br />I can only hope that she pulls out that condescending, passive-aggressive, "talking-to-8-year-olds" tone out of her pocket when she tries to finagle the nukes away from Kim Jong Ill.<br /><br />ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?! The extent to which this bitch knows not what she says is getting out of control at this point!<br /><br />I often joke that "I don't mean to play logistic police right now, but..." - I can't tell you how much I believe there truly SHOULD be some sort of private 'logic' brigade or something that can intervene when things just don't fucking make a stitch of sense - LIKE THE POSSIBILITY THAT THIS DUMB BITCH MIGHT BE RUNNING THE FREE WORLD IN A MATTER OF MONTHS!!!<br /><br />Blerg.<br /><br />Anyballs...<br /><br />Until tomorrow!<br /><br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-85478043968927188032008-10-20T07:55:00.000-07:002008-10-21T11:47:33.882-07:00Comings, Goings, DoingsHey friends... Friends of friends...<br /><br />How've you been keeping? I trust well.<br /><br />I've been busy. Good-busy.<br /><br />Last Tuesday, of course, marked a particularly Sapphic edition of <strong>Bitch Salad</strong> - a <em>Gi-normous</em> thank you to all who came out for that ('GI-normous' both as in superlatively huge AND vaGInally...)<br /><br />It wasn't as lesbo-centric in terms of an audience turnout as I thought - which was just as well, as my lesbo-centric material was scant at best. But yeah - suu-h-uuper-fun. I totally put more germs in my head insofar as doing theme shows WITHIN the already themed show that Bitch Salad is. I.E. an all musical edition... or an all-'urban' edition... or... uhh... an all-puppeteer edition... yeah... probably not... whatevs...<br /><br />So the excitement continued when last Wednesday saw me attend the opening of Mivish Productions' restaging of the beloved classic "The Sound of Music" - something I was waiting for with baited breath, considering my overly enthusiastic interest in the CBC reality show, "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" this past summer.<br /><br />In three words: Feel Good Time.<br /><br />I don't know if you're a fan of the movie at all, or fuck, even SAW the movie - as a shockingly high number of people I've spoken to haven't (read: One person. I can't believe anyone has NOT seen the movie?!?! I thought some sort of accrued knowledge of the Family Von Trapp was more requisite in someone's childhood than the assfucking Bible... meh)... - but this thing definitely lived up to it.<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SP4jGFryGKI/AAAAAAAAB-Y/pU7qB-L5c6c/s1600-h/Elicia.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5259680002327320738" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SP4jGFryGKI/AAAAAAAAB-Y/pU7qB-L5c6c/s400/Elicia.jpg" border="0" /></a>The solution to "How [Exactly] [You Do] Solve a Problem Like Maria?", underdog <strong>Elicia MacKenzie</strong>, definitely worked it out. She still isn't nor shall she ever be runner up/predicted winner <strong>Janna Polzin</strong> (who, incidentally, alternates in the part Wednesday evenings and Sunday matinees), but she's definitely believable in the part of flibbertigibbet songbird nanny/mistress, Maria Rainer-Von Trapp.<br /><br />Other highlights include <strong>Noella Huet's</strong> "Mother Abbess"... although her acting ranges from barely passable to passable, she can sing like a motherfucker. Like a motherfucker, let me tell ya. Upon hearing her fuck the shit out of the last phrase in the first-act closer "Climb Ev'ry Mountain", you'll be hard pressed to find yourself sitting on a dry seat. It's devastating.<br /><br />And, of course, the bitch who plays <strong>Gretl</strong> is mayhaps the fiercest bitch who's e'er lived. She literally needs to blink and the audience full blown ovates. It's nuts. I was ACTUALLY star struck by her at the after party. I kept almost approaching her, only to come to my senses and be like "Dude... she still poops her pants... we can't hang out."<br /><br />Some differences from the movie:<br /><br />In the live version, the staple "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9KwlIHcmq4"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">My Favourite Things</span></strong></a>" is NOT sung to the children in bed to distract them from the thunder storm, but instead by the Mother Abbess to Maria in an uncharacteristically secular move. Good heavens!<br /><br />What Maria <em>does</em>, in fact, sing to the children to lift their spirits during the thunderstorm, is instead "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaD9Ozdthg8"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">The Lonely Goatherd</span></strong></a>" - a song famously done in a marionette orgy in the film. This was incredibly disappointing, as I was hoping with all my might that there'd be a chorus of people pretending to be marionettes. BUT NO. Instead, it's just Maria yodelling to the kids as they scream their heads off. I thought, "Fuck... could there not be a little bit of reimagining here? Like maybe a mash-up of "The Lonely Goatherd" and Gwen Stefani's "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qHtkWyNvgU"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Wind It Up</span></strong></a>"? Like have Gretl come out like "This is the key that makes us wind up..." But no. Anyballs...<br /><br />Another thing that is noticeably different in the stage production is the part of the <strong>Baroness</strong> - she's not the skanky, jealous tranny that people have come to know and love from the film... but instead a quite noble and feminine character who simply can't have a meeting of the minds with the Captain... BORING! I WANTED TRANNY BARONESS!!! Instead of being played by a <strong>Kathleen Turner</strong>-type, as she should have been, she was played by a <strong>Gwenyth </strong><strong>Paltrow</strong>-type, if that gives you any idea.<br /><br />Anyballs - the party afterwards was fine. Cramped as fuck, as it was held in the actual theatre, because - as I'm told - every banquet hall in the city has been booked due to some mystery conference of sorts. There was a considerable food shortage, and it was all Austrain-themed.<br /><br />During the show, at one point Elicia/Maria rewards herself for a job well done making clothes out of curtains or something, by sneaking a pastry, but is then busted by the Baroness. I then remarked to my co-horts that if Elicia/Maria needs to do that 8 shows a week, she's going to end up like Jenna Maroney in the episode of "30 Rock" when she comes back from summer hiatus performing in "Mystic Pizza: The Musical" on Broadway, only to have gained 50 pounds from having to eat 3 pieces of pizza on stage per show... I couldn't find a clip of it, but because the more 30 Rock you can mention, the better, DO enjoy Jenna performing her Number 1 smash hit (on the <em>Israeli</em> pop charts), "Muffin Top":<br /><br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-yuSsTS75OI&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-yuSsTS75OI&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>Anyballs - this whole Mystic Pizza: The Musical thing was worth mentioning, because afterwards, upon discovering that the scant food selection was all of Austrian persuasion (Cabbage Rolls, Schnizel, Pickeled motherfucking Herring...), my compatriot Heidi remarked that "now [she] really does wish this was Mystic Pizza: The Musical". Ha. Because then various pizza-things would have been served. Meh - it was funny at the time.<br /><br />So yes...<br /><br />Go see "The Sound of Music". And by all means join me in having "The Lonely Goatherd" in my head for the rest of days.<br /><br />I'm going to see "The Secret Life of Bees" tonight. Jennifer Hudson is in it. I expect sass by the barrell full.<br /><br />Smell ya later,<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-60007620855493819322008-10-06T11:42:00.000-07:002008-10-10T09:49:22.230-07:00Reaching a KlymaxxStraight up: I'm hungover right now.<br /><br />I kind of have been all week. It's been one of <em>those weeks</em>. But I won't get into that right now. I've had a little bit of a <em>situation</em> to deal with that I'm mere steps away from being Katharine-McPhee-quotingly "Over It"... but yeah...<br /><br />WHAT A WEEK!<br /><br />Through my boozey haze, it's not gone unnoticed how crazy things have been... firstly, there's been some sort of kerfuffle in the financial world that my boss and other crazy rich people like him are in a downright tizzy about.<br /><br />CRAZY, TRUE STORY: He actually needed to go to a funeral this week of some financial dude he knows who committed suicide because of it!!! It's like the old tymey days of the depression when stock brokers jumped out of windows and people have to ration bread crumbs!!! Hot diggity, somebody put on some music for me to Charleston to!<br /><br />Anyballs... I'm in the arts living directly ON the poverty line, so not too much is going to change for me.<br /><br />We have an election coming up here, as well... this coming Tuesday, October 14th... which just so happens to coincide with:<br /><br /><p align="center"><a href="http://s52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/?action=view&current=BSResized2.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" src="http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/BSResized2.jpg" border="0" /></a></p>THAT'S RIGHT!!! THIS COMING TUESDAY!!! Go and vote, then celebrate the democracy you've just demonstrated by taking a Journey to the Isle of Lesbos!!! FUN!<br /><br /><br /><br />OH - and, because if we at Bitch Salad are anything we're topical, we'll be welcoming SUPER SPECIAL GUEST... ... ... ... <strong>SARAH PALIN</strong>!!! Yep!<br /><br />She'll be stopping by to promote lesbianism as a form of abstinence. Because really, that's what it is. I mean, what exactly happens there?! Not sex, that's all I know. = )<br /><br />Anyballs...<br /><br />As I was saying, we do have an election coming up, and as such, I was invited to come and do some talking head thing for MTV.<br /><br />It was perhaps 5 minutes before I shot this that it occurred to me that I don't even remotely follow Canadian politics and have absolutely no fucking clue what I'm going to say.<br /><br />I think I just kept saying "I love that bitch from the Green Party! She's CRAZY!" over and over again. I also think I said I liked her because she was like Vicki Gabereau-meets-Courtney Love. I found out some time after this that her name is Elizabeth May, of course. I had no clue at the time. So yeah. That didn't go so swimmingly...<br /><br />I'll be voting Liberal, natch. Always have, always will. But I live in Jack Layton's riding, so it won't make much difference.<br /><br />One piece of homegrown Election news that I found interesting appeared to me on my daily scanning of <a href="http://www.queerclick.com/"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Queer Click</span></strong></a> (the link is extremely, purposefully NSFW... so don't go there lest ye be bombarded by images of cock...) - which is basically a blog that rounds up gay porn site updates (with a pretty blatant penchant for foreskin, but that might just be me) that occasionally includes a round up of news stories relevant to the gay community, and <a href="http://www.xtra.ca/public/National/Gay_Conservative_candidate_resigns-5537.aspx"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">this little item</span></strong></a> jumped out at me...<br /><br />In short... the lone gay conservative candidate, like, ever, resigned because of controversial comments he made on a [now-defunct] blog.<br /><br />Comments to the tune of: "Allow law-abiding citizens who are qualified and trained to carry concealed handguns for personal protection. It's the only proven way to reduce violent crime and murder. If women and gays really wanted to stop being victims of hate crimes, they'd be in support of this, but judging from discussions, they'd rather be helpless and rely on government."<br /><br />Y'know, good old fashioned crazy-talk like that.<br /><br />CRAZY TRUE STORY: I went to University with him. I believe he's actually on my facebook. I seem to recall getting an invite from him to an event entitled "I'm voting conservative in the next election!" and was like "SHWHAT?! Helllllllllll to the no." and then thought to myself, "Isn't he a fag? And he's <em>conservative</em>? Now I've seen everything". So yeah. Nuts!<br /><br />Wasn't all of that completely pointless and incoherent? It's what happens when I attempt to talk politics. I should just stick to what I know...<br /><br />And what I DO know, it's hot, crazy bitches...<br /><br />I.E. - my new obsession...<br /><br /><strong>KLYMAXX</strong>!!!<br /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5255562739941842322" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SO-Cd4EDHZI/AAAAAAAAB-Q/D_5vOChuTps/s400/klymaxx.jpg" border="0" />I don't know why Klymaxx aren't a bigger deal. Klymaxx was 6-piece, all-girl band made up of a gaggle of dark 'n lovely sistahs each darker and lovelier than the last. Of note: they all played instruments. More of note: their signature touch included a boastful, sassy monologue at the beginning of their songs - not a rap, mind you, but a monologue. Check this shit out:<br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_l9URYzUbF4&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_l9URYzUbF4&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>Yep... let's review that...<br /><br />"Uh, I had to leave my condo to come to this /<br />Well, I’m back, but this time I’m with my man /<br />And these women are puttin’ their hands all over his Yamamoto Kanzai sweater that I bought /<br />And I’m much, much unhappy about that /<br />I’d hate to come down to their level and become a BW - A Basic Woman /<br />But if they don’t stop it’s gonna get scandalous"<br /><br />Yeah. For real. AMAZING!!!<br /><br />And <a href="http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=rJt16OPkj_s"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">this</span></strong></a>:<br /><br />Again, review...<br /><br />"I know I was lookin' good /<br />I had my Kenneth Cole shoes on /<br />My Gianni Versace blue leather suit /<br />My nails were done and my hair was fierce /<br />And I was riding in a Cooper's limousine /<br />Don't you want to ride..."<br /><br />I'm really starting to get the impression that these ladies are quite tasteful. What with the mentions of driving in Cooper's limousines and the wearing of a blue leather suit. Oh-la-la.<br /><br />Anyballs... I'm about to peace out for the weekend. Back to Brockville, cuz y'all, it be Thanksgiving.<br /><br />But before I go, here's something for your weekend... it's the Bitch Salad: Journey To The Isle of Lesbos mix!<br /><br />Originally, I had intended to make the mix, like the show, entirely Sapphic, and strictly feature remixes of artists who eat pussy.<br /><br />As you can imagine, that was a little limited.<br /><br />So I just said "EFF IT!" and went top 40... the tracklisting...<br /><br />John Legend feat. Andre 3000 - Green Light (Johnny Douglas Mix)<br />Coldplay - Viva La Vida (Telemitry Mix)<br />Katy Perry - Hot 'N Cold (Jason Nevins Mix)<br />Hilary Duff - Reach Out (Touch Me) (Chico & Bermudez Mix)<br />Tami Chynn feat. Akon - Frozen (Ralphi Rosario Mix)<br />Vanessa Hudgens - Sneakernight (Alberto Castillo Mix)<br />Kreesha Turner - Don't Call Me Baby (Digital Dog Mix)<br />Chris Brown - Forever (Bobby Bass & J Remy Mix)<br />Jordin Sparks - One Step At A Time (Jason Nevins Mix)<br />Pink - So What (Bimbo Jones Mix)<br />Natasha Bedingfield - Angel (Moto Blanco Mix)<br />Neyo - Closer (Norty Cotto Mix)<br />Jilly Scott - Golden (Grant Nelson Mix)<br />Lindsay Lohan - Bossy (Soulshaker Mix)<br /><br />Download/Listen to it <a href="http://www.zshare.net/audio/2033017798ea1b3b/"><strong><span style="font-size:180%;color:#3333ff;">HERE</span></strong></a>!<br /><br />Have a great weekend.<br /><br />Try not to come down to the level of a BW - a Basic Woman.<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-4754826304353483362008-10-02T10:22:00.001-07:002008-10-02T12:08:04.147-07:00WWEBD???Whoa.<br /><br />Hold up.<br /><br />First off - what the balls does that mean, you ask?<br /><br />Well, it's short form for my current catchphrase and affirmative mantra, "What Would Elayne Boosler Do?"<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SOUHDgCjLcI/AAAAAAAAB-I/ZWD49L0PWXw/s1600-h/Boosler+6.jpg+-+2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252612297119182274" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SOUHDgCjLcI/AAAAAAAAB-I/ZWD49L0PWXw/s400/Boosler+6.jpg+-+2.jpg" border="0" /></a>WHO, you may ask, is <strong>Elayne Boosler</strong>? And that's a shame.<br /><br />That you'd have to ask at all. *Sigh-on-behalf-of-the-great-Boosler*.<br /><br />Elayne Boosler is <em>THE</em> quintessential lady-comic from the 80's, right down to her charmeuse vest and mullette'd Jewess fro.<br /><br />Check out some of her zingers:<br /><br />- “We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'”<br /><br />- “My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions”<br /><br />- “When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."<br /><br />And of course... the <em>ULTIMATE</em> Booslerism...<br /><br />- "I just discovered a new brand - super-extra-sensitive condoms. Wow, do they stick around and talk to you after the guy leaves?"<br /><br />And just to give you the faintest taste of her on stage persona, I compel you to watch this clip of her at Comic Relief, 198something...<br /><br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/TVqemKhy8sE&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/TVqemKhy8sE&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>Yeah. She's like the hyper-liberated, tart-tongued best friend of Cathy from the Cathy comics. Like "Elayne! You can't say that!"... at which point BamBoosler would reply to Cathy, "Oh yeah? WATCH ME."<br /><br />Anyballs - I've been obsessed with Elayne Boosler. Particularly because I've recently been touring exponentially more than I usually do, and finding myself in front of a brick wall background (because yes, a lot of comedy clubs steadfastly retain that stereotypical aestethic), surrounded by unbelievably zany headshots of comics from yore. Why, just this past weekend in London, Ontario, I found myself sharing personal space with none other than a signed 8x10 circa 1988 of none other than <strong>Judy Tenuta</strong>. Holy fuck. (Apparently, back in the 80's, the BamBoosler was too big for London...)<br /><br />So yeah... "What Would Elayne Boosler Do?" has gotten me through many a sticky comedy situations over the past couple of weeks. Not answering the question, just saying it. Mainly abbreviated - WWEBD? It's just fun to say. Because in truth, odds are what Elayne Boosler would actually end up doing is making some underhanded jab at men then asking, "ladies, am I right?" Class frickin' act, that Boosler.<br /><br />I really don't know why I felt compelled to tell you all of that. I'm kind of medicated right now - I've got that cold that everyone's got... and I'm going to catch the premiere open dress rehearsal of "The Sound of Music" tonight. So we'll see how enchanting that is to sit through with a head cold. I'm guessing not very.<br /><br />Something that will enchant the pants clear off your bums, and, in some cases, frums?<br /><br /><p align="center"><a href="http://s52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/?action=view&current=BSResized2.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" src="http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/BSResized2.jpg" border="0" /></a></p>WE'RE BACK!<br /><br />A very, VERY special edition that, for realsies, I've been trying to do since DECEMBER of last year... yep, this has basically been a year in the making. Your options are kind of limited, though, when there are like, 6 lesbians comics in this country to choose from and you need 5, so yeah. But, at long last, Bitch Salad: Journey To The Isle of Lesbos is happening!!!<br /><br />Anyballs... I'm off to get The Lonely Goatherd stuck in my head for all eternity.<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-28592842685369312452008-09-22T11:39:00.000-07:002008-09-22T21:47:31.289-07:00FrenEmmy's<div><div><div><div style="text-align: left;">Eh? Eh???</div><div><br />That's how I feel about the Emmy's. On one hand, I love them because it's a plentiful kudos-fest honouring the brightest stars of prime time TV. On the other hand, I hate them because most of the time they suck giant squid balls (or whatever sort of genitalia those elusive crustaceans boast)...<br /><br />After a positively exhausting (in a good way) weekend in Kitchener, slinging jokes at Yuk Yuks like a regular <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVqemKhy8sE"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Elayne Boosler</span></strong></a>, I come home to find a gruesomely awful offering of recorded fare from this weekend past: the, hands-down, WORST episode of SNL in recent memory - hosted by James Franco, who methinks takes himself a titch too seriously - and last night's Emmy telecast.</div><div><br />As it turns out, this year was the first year that an award was presented in the category of "Best Reality Show Host", and someone finagled the cockamamie idea that "hey! what if we had all of them host the show?!?!?"... file that one under 'it seemed like a good idea the time'... it was bad... <em>horrendously</em> so.</div><div><br />After a polite "Happy 60th Birthday, Emmys" address by a noticeably heavier-than-I-remember-her Oprah Winfrey, the 5 reality show hosts - <em>Survivor's</em> <strong>Jeff Probst</strong>, <em>American Idol's</em> <strong>Ryan Seacrest</strong>, <em>Dancing With The Stars'</em> <strong>Tom Bergeron</strong>, <em>Deal Or No Deal's</em> <strong>Howie</strong> "Don't touch my hands" <strong>Mandel</strong>, and <strong>Project Runway's</strong> <em>Heidi Klum</em> (who, really, might as well have been a fucking blowup doll, she was so useless... her 'schtick' seemed to revolve around her being attractive and a girl all night... which is historically never funny... but no... she would literally blow kisses in lieu of delivering what would have traditionally been zingers to conclude her segues...) - and it all just dissolved right into shit from the word 'go'.</div><div><br />You'd think they'd have learned their lesson last year when Seacrest hosted it solo, but no... apprently the grand notion was that 5 Seacrests would be better than 1, but how wrong they were.<br /><br />This is precisely why, right here, RIGHT now, I am kicking off the campaign to bring <strong>Kathy Griffin</strong> in next year... she's the only one who could save this pile of puke, and, for realsies, what do they have to lose? It'd be raucous and unpredictable, colorful and anticipated... she's the only big-name comedian who's buzz-worthily relevant without being too MTV-ish. <strong>KATHY G IN 2009</strong>!!!<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNfzhDfI6NI/AAAAAAAAB9Y/Z1R0pp7hvFU/s1600-h/Kathy+N+Rickles.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248931639920748754" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNfzhDfI6NI/AAAAAAAAB9Y/Z1R0pp7hvFU/s400/Kathy+N+Rickles.jpg" border="0" /></a>Speaking of Kathy G, out-and-out highlight was the pairing of her with the chairman, <strong>Don Rickles</strong> - who's commendably still 'with it' at his staggering 82</div><div> years of age.<br /><br />In a refreshing display of "fuck it up the ass... what the balls do I have to lose?", Rickles slammed the powers-that-be, mocking the uninventive patter and stole the show in the process. He actually won an Emmy later, too. So there ya go. Cake and eating said cake, too.<br /><br />Other [scant] highlights included, but are not limited to:<br /><br />- I don't know how the balls they finagled it, but some of the [memorable] cast members of Laugh In dragged their 70-something-year-old asses up there to present the best variety series award. Members included <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Gary Owens</span>, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Alan Sues</span> (one of the first gays on network TV!),L<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">ily Tomlin</span> (who, you'd'a thunk, would have better things to do, but meh), <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">RUTH BUZZI</span> (who's AMAZING... she's like the original <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">R</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">achel Dratch</span>... she's sorely underrated... let me tell ya), and of course, the finest manifestation of the universe, Miss <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">JoAnne Worley</span>. </div><div> </div><div> </div><div><br /></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNggxweHcpI/AAAAAAAAB94/RKPnrgXI3FI/s200/laughin_jo_anne_worley.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248981404897211026" /><div>It's, of course, no secret that I have a bit of a thing for JoAnne Worley - whose voice you may well recognize as Hoppopotamus from <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJb9v7BZAxY"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">The Wuzzles</span></span></a>... - and gazing at her visage to left, to the left, I can't imagine you'd wonder why. </div><div><br /></div><div>Anyballs... Pressing on...</div><div><br /></div><div>- The dude who won for writing that heavily lauded John Adams biopic getting cut off about 5 seconds into his speech... and then, precisely when he's trying to make a very poignant point about back then the United States was all about articulating arguments and democracy democracy democracy blah blah blah - they cut to a bumper promoting the best reality series award... ouch... ouch ouch ouch!!! So he goes from something like "this is especially important at a time when our country is at such a crossro-"-CUT TO-"Will it be Top Chef, American Idol, Bad Girls Club..." It was SO graceless. AMAZING!</div><div><br /></div><div>- I was wondering what business <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">Lauren Conrad</span> had being there, and, from the looks of it, so did <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">David Boreanaz</span>. That made me very happy.</div><div><br /></div><div>- WHAT THE BALLS WAS THAT <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">JOSH GROBAN</span> BULLSHIT ALL ABOUT?!?!?! If you haven't seen it... please... share the pain...</div><div><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/A9cQWelvgC4&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/A9cQWelvgC4&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /></div><div>Yeah. I really don't know how to explain that. However, I don't think it was so much him being like "I'm Josh Groban. I don't take myself too seriously, and now's my chance to prove it!" as much as it was him thinking "I'm Josh Groban. I can truly do anything. If anyone has any doubts about why I'm <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">David Foster</span>'s buttboy, this will <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">surely</span> silence them!". Yeah. That was fucked.</div><div><br /></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248935115380117970" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNf2rWlOUdI/AAAAAAAAB9g/HaDrPBx7_oI/s320/Tommy+Smothers.jpg" border="0" /><div>- <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Tommy Smothers</span> getting a special Emmy. I'll tell you precisely why Tommy Smothers getting an Emmy - well, fuck, getting mentioned at all - is significant for me, and the answer may shock and amaze you... the year was 1966... Tommy Smothers, vacationing in Alberta's rocky mountains, met a </div><div>young nurse at a popular five-star resort... a winsome, raven-haired young lady named <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Cheryl Cassidy</span>. The two hit off right then and there and began a torrid, however brief, affair.</div><div><br /></div><div>Why is this important? Because that winsome, raven-haired young lady Cheryl Cassidy grew up to become MY MOM!!! AHHHH!!! TOMMY SMOTHERS WAS ALMOST MY DAD!!! <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">I WAS ALMOST ANDREW SMOTHERS</span></span>!!! </div><div>AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>So yeah... </div><div><br /></div><div>And, of course, highlight of highlights...</div><div><br /></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248935402796903458" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNf28FSubCI/AAAAAAAAB9o/EKDWw8NiwHE/s400/Tina+Fey+Fey.jpg" border="0" /><div>- Elizabeth Sama<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">tina Fey</span> takes home three effin' Emmys. One for writing, one for best comedy series (2nd year in a row) and one for best actress in a comedy series. That made me so happy, it's wrong. Just wrong. This woman is the genius of her generation and anyone who argues this needs to be shot.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Alec Baldwin</span> - who also very deservingly won best actor in a comedy series (apparently his first win) - said some garbage about how she's the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Elaine May </span>of her generation. Ummm, no. Try the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Mark Twain</span> of her generation. </div><div><br /></div><div>NO - actually, fuck that - try the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Aristotle</span> of her generation.</div><div><br /></div><div>NOOO - scrap all of that above shit - try the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Jesus Q. Shakespeare</span> of her generation.</div><div><br /></div><div>NOOOOOOOO - forget EVERYTHING I said above - try the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Shelley Long</span> of her generation.</div><div><br /></div><div>Yes... to me, comparing someone to Shelley Long IS the highest compliment you can give someone. Because, y'see, I'm fucked up. </div><div><br /></div><div>Anyballs... thought I'd mention that if, in the off-chance in my most desperate fantasy that Tina Fey actually reads my blog, I at least said it.</div><div><br /></div><div>So yeah.</div><div><br /></div><div>C'est tout.</div><div><br /></div><div>Till tomorry,</div><div><br /></div><div>--- Aj</div></div></div></div>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-205424761445574612008-09-18T11:54:00.000-07:002008-09-18T13:12:49.936-07:00At long last: ANTM Doppelgangbang...Hello sugars...<br /><br />Can this week die already? Jeez LouISE.<br /><br />I'm presently alone in my office listening to "Life Is A Highway" by the ever-enigmatic Tom Cochrane - which is all too fitting considering the amount of time I'll be spending on the highway this weekend and next... this Friday Imma comin' to Kitchener/Waterloo and next to majestic London, Ontario - so if you're in either of those places, come to Yuk Yuks and see me. And we'll make out. Probably.<br /><br />Anyballs - onto much, much, MUCH important fare... namely:<br /><br /><strong>MY SEMI-ANNUAL ASSESSMENT OF THE GIRLS FROM THE CURRENT CYCLE OF AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL AND WHO THE BALLS THEY LOOK LIKE!!!</strong><br /><br />Yep...<br /><br />Well, makeovers happened last night, so it would have just been pointless of me to do this before then - before their looks have <em>settled</em>. But now it's open season...<br /><br />Something I've noticed this season, as per compared to other cycles, is that all these bitches look like crosses of something and something. Like, no one looks like any one person definitively... they're all ____ meets ____... for instance...<br /><br />Icy blonde stunner <strong>Lauren Brie</strong>...<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443594769402418" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKqJbUhCjI/AAAAAAAABW8/gn8NgvpEs4Q/s400/01.jpg" border="0" /><br />Is a cross between <strong>Rachel McAdams</strong> circa <em>Mean Girls</em> and <strong>Charlize Theron</strong> (although personality-wise she reminds me of Cerie from 30 Rock... nevertheless...)<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKqJWEe3GI/AAAAAAAABXE/LTPMbDAhcJY/s1600-h/01a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443593359973474" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKqJWEe3GI/AAAAAAAABXE/LTPMbDAhcJY/s400/01a.jpg" border="0" /></a> Potential slave to a Saudi Arabian <strong>Analeigh</strong> (or rather Anal Lee as I know her...)<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKqJlEQt_I/AAAAAAAABXM/ZZHZs6sPdx8/s1600-h/02.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443597385578482" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKqJlEQt_I/AAAAAAAABXM/ZZHZs6sPdx8/s400/02.jpg" border="0" /></a> Comprised of grimey psychopath <strong>Denise Richards</strong> and self-photographer <strong>Miley Cyrus</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKqJhdoXCI/AAAAAAAABXU/87hKsqjfgZw/s1600-h/02a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443596418243618" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKqJhdoXCI/AAAAAAAABXU/87hKsqjfgZw/s400/02a.jpg" border="0" /></a> All-American girl next door <strong>Samantha</strong>...<br /><br /><div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKp68SZgdI/AAAAAAAABWU/aPhrfJntxrM/s1600-h/03.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443345920852434" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKp68SZgdI/AAAAAAAABWU/aPhrfJntxrM/s400/03.jpg" border="0" /></a>Equal parts she-hulk <strong>Brooke Hogan</strong> and electro-pop hipster princess <strong>Robyn</strong>... (pretty much because of the hair... you <em>know </em>you thought the same thing, and for no other reason than the fucking hair...)<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKp7KqsnaI/AAAAAAAABWc/YFSwVf8qvP0/s1600-h/03a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443349780864418" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKp7KqsnaI/AAAAAAAABWc/YFSwVf8qvP0/s400/03a.jpg" border="0" /></a> Tranny-hating tophy wife-in-training <strong>Clark</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKp7t2gNII/AAAAAAAABWk/tOouIzTibKc/s1600-h/04.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443359225623682" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKp7t2gNII/AAAAAAAABWk/tOouIzTibKc/s400/04.jpg" border="0" /></a>One part shrill sensationalist demagogue <strong>Ann Coulter</strong>, one part 80's era <strong>Cher</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKp7iD5qUI/AAAAAAAABWs/ckhmEdLaFRU/s1600-h/04a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443356060592450" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKp7iD5qUI/AAAAAAAABWs/ckhmEdLaFRU/s400/04a.jpg" border="0" /></a> Painfully awkward Marseille-ite <strong>Marjorie</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKp7mynJ8I/AAAAAAAABW0/ZmLCaX48Chk/s1600-h/05.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443357330253762" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKp7mynJ8I/AAAAAAAABW0/ZmLCaX48Chk/s400/05.jpg" border="0" /></a> Pre-anorexic <strong>Claire Danes</strong>, meet <strong>Hilary Swank</strong> as <strong>Brandon Teena</strong> from <em>Boys Don't Cry</em>...<br /><br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKprsr47eI/AAAAAAAABVs/ZQDJTthECRo/s1600-h/05a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443084034764258" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKprsr47eI/AAAAAAAABVs/ZQDJTthECRo/s400/05a.jpg" border="0" /></a>Unusually lip'd, unfortunately named boxer <strong>McKey</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpr-F_wxI/AAAAAAAABV0/3VTx7RZWs08/s1600-h/06.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443088707666706" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpr-F_wxI/AAAAAAAABV0/3VTx7RZWs08/s400/06.jpg" border="0" /></a>... the sunned love child of Canadian supermodel <strong>Linda Evangelista</strong>, and <strong>Tim Curry</strong> as Frank 'N Furter in <em>The Rocky Horror Picture Show</em>...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpsBBu6HI/AAAAAAAABV8/OzGSGmsbmW4/s1600-h/06a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443089495091314" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpsBBu6HI/AAAAAAAABV8/OzGSGmsbmW4/s400/06a.jpg" border="0" /></a>Tickety-tock tranny <strong>Isis</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpsTghYLI/AAAAAAAABWE/b3cGEUXe5s0/s1600-h/07.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443094456066226" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpsTghYLI/AAAAAAAABWE/b3cGEUXe5s0/s400/07.jpg" border="0" /></a>... the result of dulcet songstress <strong>Sade</strong>, and <strong>Angel</strong> from <em>Rent</em>.<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpsQ6R4wI/AAAAAAAABWM/1T1_kBJBLJk/s1600-h/07a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247443093758796546" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpsQ6R4wI/AAAAAAAABWM/1T1_kBJBLJk/s400/07a.jpg" border="0" /></a>Latest evictee from the Top Model house <strong>Brittany</strong>...<br /><br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpeXWs7-I/AAAAAAAABVE/acfqWukby24/s1600-h/08.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247442854970453986" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpeXWs7-I/AAAAAAAABVE/acfqWukby24/s400/08.jpg" border="0" /></a>Equals the broad appeal of <strong>Halle Berry</strong> plus the <em>just-so</em> placed facial hair of <strong>Frida Khalo</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpeqH5-qI/AAAAAAAABVM/CF8gH2bYzng/s1600-h/08a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247442860008667810" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpeqH5-qI/AAAAAAAABVM/CF8gH2bYzng/s400/08a.jpg" border="0" /></a>High-pitched good time girl <strong>Joslyn</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpe-SxlUI/AAAAAAAABVU/wdMxInQMxG8/s1600-h/09.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247442865422964034" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpe-SxlUI/AAAAAAAABVU/wdMxInQMxG8/s400/09.jpg" border="0" /></a>... the result of former SNL funnywoman <strong>Ellen Cleghorne</strong> and an unidentified sperm donor...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpfL06TbI/AAAAAAAABVc/xjsJyucKH8o/s1600-h/09a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247442869055802802" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpfL06TbI/AAAAAAAABVc/xjsJyucKH8o/s400/09a.jpg" border="0" /></a>Newly highlighted Asian girl from 'da hood <strong>Sheena</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpfDG1o3I/AAAAAAAABVk/naBN61U93sg/s1600-h/10.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247442866715075442" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpfDG1o3I/AAAAAAAABVk/naBN61U93sg/s400/10.jpg" border="0" /></a>An exciting cross between the "Rachel" from the Japanese version of Friends - <strong>Koharu Kusumi</strong> - and popular science fiction starlet (not to mention the daughter for action hero Steven Segal...), <strong>Ayako Fujitani</strong>... yeah... I got nothin'... sorry... Sheena just looked like any other gentrified Asian chick you'd see on the corner of Dundas and Spadina...<br /><br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpUSbQHoI/AAAAAAAABUc/OiZYucYIeQI/s1600-h/10a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247442681848667778" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpUSbQHoI/AAAAAAAABUc/OiZYucYIeQI/s400/10a.jpg" border="0" /></a>Smoulderingly racist Alaskan <strong>Hannah</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpUg_vfNI/AAAAAAAABUk/Gn52Ns_twl4/s1600-h/11.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247442685759814866" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpUg_vfNI/AAAAAAAABUk/Gn52Ns_twl4/s400/11.jpg" border="0" /></a>The incredibly distasteful duo of emaciated songbird <strong>Karen Carpenter</strong> and latest kidnapped 'It'-girl <strong>Madeline McCann</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpVB3MLKI/AAAAAAAABUs/sKwcKUmW7SE/s1600-h/11a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247442694582316194" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpVB3MLKI/AAAAAAAABUs/sKwcKUmW7SE/s400/11a.jpg" border="0" /></a>And lastly... drastically made-over bixsexual stunner <strong>Elina</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpVSt1bjI/AAAAAAAABU0/VThuVKmdcxU/s1600-h/12.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247442699106479666" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpVSt1bjI/AAAAAAAABU0/VThuVKmdcxU/s400/12.jpg" border="0" /></a>Patron Saint of all things sensuous <strong>Angelina Jolie</strong>, and early-90's shit disturber <strong>Curly Sue</strong>...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpVrV0nWI/AAAAAAAABU8/3b_KsI3EmYI/s1600-h/12a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247442705716649314" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNKpVrV0nWI/AAAAAAAABU8/3b_KsI3EmYI/s400/12a.jpg" border="0" /></a>That was an effin' good movie. I think I'm going to buy it today.<br /><br />Yeah.<br /><br />Anyballs...<br /><br />Until tomorrow,<br /><br />--- Aj</div></div></div></div>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-1649784611688384832008-09-16T10:45:00.000-07:002008-09-17T11:42:42.586-07:00Sweatdrops Sweatdrops Sweatdrops!!!And a pleasant Wednesday to you and yours.<br /><br />So what has it been? Since last Wednesday? Woo-howdy, I need to get on top of this shit. So much hath transpired since then...<br /><br />First off: I'm well aware that I have yet to say but two words about the current crop of gals on the 11th glorious season of <em>America's Next Top Model</em>... but rest assured, my requisite blog appointing all the girls' doppelgangers is well under way... I typically wait for the makeovers before I cast any judgement...<br /><br />Secondly: Thursday I got a call out of the blue that I was to come in and showcase at Yuks for a corporate client. Showcases are to comics what go-see's are to Top Models, y'see... Anyballs, guess who the client was? A lesbian softball association. Yep. With orders to keep it as inoffensive as possible and lesbo-sensitive. Yeah. Suffice to say, I didn't get the gig. I knew I should have busted out of my <em>A League of Their Own</em> material (which, by the way, I have an unsurprising abundance of...)<br /><br />B'aaanyway, I spent the weekend drunk out of my skull, just like old times, which was nice.<br /><br />Saturday night saw the birthday of Alex "Faith" Brown (named "Faith" after the now infamous armless canine who's captured the hearts of millions... :<br /><br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tpArS0WnVik&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tpArS0WnVik&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>... weird.) for which we were supposed to depart to at 11 PM. Then someone threw out the suggestion that we "just watch the first sketch" of SNL's season premiere. Yeah. That never happens. We ended up watching the whole fucking thing.<br /><br />So yeah... on the whole, not great. They are going to be BEYOND screwed when <strong>Amy Poehler</strong> leaves in a few short weeks. BEYOND screwed. <strong>Casey Wilson</strong>, as lovely as she seems, isn't working. It's not going to happen. Put her out to pasture in a supporting role on a spin-off of <em>The Office</em> or something, but get her out of there.<br /><br />That new fat guy could go either way. I'm going to reserve judgement of him until precisely the third episode, as I didn't necessarily "get" <strong>Fred Armisen</strong> right away either... little did I know he'd grow into <a href="http://easywaystogogreen.com/green-media/fred-armisen-as-nicholas-fehn-political-comedian/"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Nicholas Fehn</span></strong></a> and of course, Nuni of "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hOaFM2f50c"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Nuni & Nuni</span></strong></a>" fame. If you don't know what I'm talking about right now, you probably think I'm a.) boring and b.) crazy. Which is quite a commendable combination of things to be, not gonna lie.<br /><br />Anyballs... <strong>Andy Samberg</strong> ruled my fucking life with his impression of Cathy of Cathy Guisewite's Cathy comic strip fame... And to think... Cathy was the Carrie Brandshaw of her day back in the late 70's... WAKE ME UP WHEN I'M A SIZE 5!!! Ladies... am I right?<br /><br />However, that Jar Glove thing made me lose it.<br /><br /><p align="center"><object id="W4727a250e66f972348d14ed90eec1350" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" height="283" width="384" data="http://widgets.nbc.com/o/4727a250e66f9723/48d14ed90eec1350/4741e3c5156499a7/fb6603cf"></object></p><strong>Kristen Wiig</strong> - thank God for you.<br /><br />And of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the thing that everyone's been talking about... <strong>Tina Fey's</strong> triumphant return as Sarah Palin...<br /><br /><p align="center"><object id="W4727a250e66f972348cd3b64ddb82bd0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" height="283" width="384" data="http://widgets.nbc.com/o/4727a250e66f9723/48cd3b64ddb82bd0/48cd0cf97d529c95/be940ef3"></object></p>Yep... probably the most must-see [live] thing to come out of that show since the infamous <a href="http://panasonicyouth.buzznet.com/user/video/228337/"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Debbie Downer</span></strong></a> giggle-fest of aught-Four... it's been EVERYWHERE recently.<br /><br />Poehler and Fey, together again - already a dream scenario - channelling Sarah Palin and Hilary Clinton - another dream scenario - talkin' sexism.<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNFHgCM2DEI/AAAAAAAABUE/urpAGJtDxHI/s1600-h/Fey+Palin.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247053656535469122" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNFHgCM2DEI/AAAAAAAABUE/urpAGJtDxHI/s400/Fey+Palin.jpg" border="0" /></a>If you were Hilary Clinton, I think one of your absolute saving graces must be when Amy Poehler does you. Because not only does Amy Poehler cause things to be awesome simply by association, but because each and every time she spoofs Hilary, very prevalent issues are brought to light and things are said that Hilary could neither bring to light nor say herself without being completely vilified by the press. Like, if you were to be watching it with Hilary, it must just be 5 straight minutes of her yelling at the TV, "THANK YOU! See?! <em>SEE</em>?! Oh, <em>TOTALLY</em>! YES! Oh my God, ME TOO! I <em>know</em>!"<br /><br />It's so astoundingly true that the issue of sexism isn't factoring into anyone's treatment of Palin, and it's largely because Hilary made 15,000,000 cracks in that ceiling. Kind of unfair that all Palin had to do was peck at it with the duress of a baby duck cracking through its egg shell to shatter that ceiling and all of a sudden, be taken seriously.<br /><br />Of course, another reason that sexism isn't playing a huge role in persecuting Sarah Palin, could be that the bitch has done more than enough ass-crazy shit to easily overshadow that.<br /><br />DID YOU KNOW: <a href="http://www.freewilliamsburg.com/archives/2008/09/under_sarah_pal_1.html"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Sarah Palin forced rape victims to pay for their own exams</span></strong></a>.<br /><br />Yes. Under Sarah Palin, rape victims - or, rather, rape-<em>ee's</em>, if you will - had to buy their own "rape kits" - or, rather, <em>rapeables</em>, if you will - to collect the necessary evidence to convict their offenders.<br /><br />Of course, this begs the obvious: I guess <em>somebody's</em> never been raped. Because from what I've heard, it's not a terribly pleasant experience, and usually, people who have been raped don't like to be reminded of this fact. I can't imagine running price comparisons and checking customer referrals on different brands of "rape kits" is at the top of anyone's list of things they love to do.<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNFKPgqUXVI/AAAAAAAABUM/zMDhhBkXacA/s1600-h/no+means+yes.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247056671189261650" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNFKPgqUXVI/AAAAAAAABUM/zMDhhBkXacA/s400/no+means+yes.jpg" border="0" /></a>On the other hand, maybe Sarah Palin's totes been raped, and just thinks "ahhh, what's good for the goose is good for the gander".<br /><br />But probably not.<br /><br />Naturally, given the fact that Palin is also <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEN-c0zRH1c&feature=related"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">against abortion in cases of rape and/or incest</span></strong></a>, this basically means: SARAH PALIN DOES NOT BELIEVE IN RAPE. Or dinosaurs.<br /><br />So that's all very grim and depressing, isn't it?<br /><br />But... in lighter Palin-related news, this thing is mayhaps the greatest thing I've ever seen.<br />It's <strong><a href="http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html"><span style="color:#3333ff;">The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator</span></a></strong>!<br /><br />Taking a cue from the zany names of Sarah Palin's children (Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper), this highly scientific device generates what your name would be if you were blessed enough to be born of Sarah Palin...<br /><br />What's yours?! Mine is: <strong>Lock Pepper Palin</strong>.<br /><br />Good times.<br /><br />Well not really.<br /><br />It's terribly depressing to think that this woman might soon be leader of the free world (because make no mistake about it... John McCain <em>will</em> die. Like, 2 days after whomever's elected gets elected. He will. He'll fall down in the shower or something, but he will.)<br /><br />Anyway, no matter how terrible things get, always remember - at least your arms aren't as fat as <strong>Jordin Sparks'</strong>.<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247059480014384466" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SNFMzAWabVI/AAAAAAAABUU/6tpOzbD-Sx8/s400/JORDIN+SPARKS+HAS+FAT+ARMS!!!.jpg" border="0" />--- Aj<br /><br />PS - <em>Slight</em> photoshopographic exaggeration. Only slight, though.andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-25781170528108545072008-09-10T10:23:00.000-07:002008-09-10T13:05:22.336-07:00Ahhh Wednesday...<span style="color:#ffffff;">A day when we pay ode to its namesake, the 7th century Anglo Saxon god <strong><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woden">Woden</a></strong>.<br /><br />I know that's how I spend each and every Wednes-or, rather, Wodensday... I assume you follow suit...<br /><br />Yeah. No. Can you believe that shit, though? I always wondered what Wednesday's deal was... and that's it. It's named after a gnome-like god from middle earth. So there you have it.<br /><br />Glurg. So the TIFF rages on... According to Rex Reed, it's been so bad it's <strong><a href="http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/blame-canada-what-has-happened-toronto-film-festival-viggo-our-only-hope">downright assailable</a></strong>... apparently it used to be something quite snazzy... where "fans and critics and movie moguls all stayed in the Sutton Place Hotel and turned the Bistro 990 across the street into their local commissary, trading anecdotes with John Cassevetes and hanging out with Clint Eastwood"... now it's plagued by "gridlock & greed"... it's quite a scathing read, actually...<br /><br />I typically like to finagle myself into at least one party per year, and passed up perhaps my only chance of going to this Italian cinema affair last night in lieu of cleaning. Well, it wasn't just because I had to clean my apartment... it was also because this party was held on a boat. I don't do boats. You can't leave boats.<br /><br />So it looks like I'm just going to have to fraudulently assume the identity of a random celebrities' handler and request tickets to the closing night gala on their behalf like I did nigh on 3 years ago... for realz: at the time I was working for a publicist who was working on a movie starring - and I use the term "starring" so loosely a blue whale could swim through it - Stephen Baldwin, and apparently he'd be in town for it and wanted to go. So my boss told me to call the festival office and request four tickets to the closing night gala and the party. She said that it would be a hassle and she'd likely have to handle it herself, but I should try.<br /><br />So I did. I called them up and said, "Hi, I'm calling from [the virtually unknown company I formerly worked for] and we're representing [The random piece of shit movie he was in] starring Stephen Baldwin. Mr. Baldwin will be in town this coming Saturday and wishes to come to the gala and the closing night ceremony."<br /><br />...<br /><br />TIFF chick on other line: "K. How many tickets do you need?"<br /><br />Just. That. Easy. I got him 4 and arranged to have them picked up under my name. I went, snatched them and that was that. Now, initially they really were, in fact, for Stephen Baldwin, then he backed out and I got them instead. But yeah. I'll plan on doing that this year as well. So huzzah.<br /><br /><u>In other news</u>:<br /><br /><strong>Elizabeth Hasselbeck</strong> continues to be a collossal mongoloid:<br /></span><br /><p align="center"><span style="color:#ffffff;"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qoxkQUHZrTg&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qoxkQUHZrTg&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></span></p><span style="color:#ffffff;">Oh no she di'in't!<br /><br />Sooooooooooooo many things are wrong about this. First off: I'm the only thing <strong>Michelle Obama</strong> didn't want to discuss was the dead horse that is Barack Obama's ties to Reverend Jeremiah Wright that Elizabeth has beaten to dust, and the only reason Michelle didn't want to discuss it is because it would have saved her from bitch slapping Elizabeth had she brought it up! Michelle Obama means business! Secondly: <strong>Cindy McCain</strong> has nothing to hide because she has nothing to <em>show</em>... bitch is dumb as a box of hair... she's like a dumber, sexagenarian version of <strong>Holly Madison</strong>. Thirdly: I don't know if you watch The View, and even if you do, I don't know if you saw Elizabeth's recap from the RNC, but it showed her interviewing other Republican celebrities in attendance... among the big names: <strong>Jon Voight</strong> and <strong>Stephen Baldwin</strong>. See... it all comes back to Stephen Baldwin.<br /><br />I haven't seen <em>The View</em> yet today, but I wonder if they addressed this little jab.<br /><br /><u>In other, other news</u>:<br /><br />In her teenage years Angelina Jolie:<br /><br />a.) was still sexy...<br /><br />b.) had an affinity for polka dots...<br /><br />c.) hadn't yet mastered 'finding the light'....<br /><br />If </span><a href="http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/angelina_jolies_youth_model_photos"><strong><span style="color:#ffffff;">THESE</span></strong></a><span style="color:#ffffff;"> photos are an indication...<br /><br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5244483669926790450" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SMgmHIBSxTI/AAAAAAAABT8/U2lBAmq6ABE/s400/Angelina+The+Teenage+Temptress.jpg" border="0" /><u>In other, other, other news</u>:<br /></span><br /><p><span style="color:#ffffff;">AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! BABIES WEARING HIGH-HEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br /></span><iframe src="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22425001/vp/26639946#26639946" frameborder="0" width="425" scrolling="no" height="339"></iframe><br /><br /><span style="color:#330033;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Until tomorrow,<br /><br />--- Aj</span><br /></span></p>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-72835662521976595032008-09-09T11:50:00.000-07:002008-09-09T13:27:44.255-07:00The Not-So-Secret Life of Bee's Knees...And it's official. I've lost whatever panache I was once had for making up titles. Holy balls, that was dreadful.<br /><br />So hey. Sorry for my absence yesterday, but I was so bowled over from this weekend that I needed a day to just stare at the wall and readjust. Or whatever.<br /><br />This past weekend was absolute hilarity-ness. Friday, 6PM - saw me and two compatriots who'll go nameless as per their request venture down to Roy Thomson Hall right here in Toronto to do something we'd surely never done before and even surer still will never do again - stalk the red carpet.<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SMbG5wlCnGI/AAAAAAAABTk/gDjyjOH-76s/s1600-h/JHUd.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5244097511714626658" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SMbG5wlCnGI/AAAAAAAABTk/gDjyjOH-76s/s400/JHUd.jpg" border="0" /></a>And why? Because encroaching our fair city this weekend? One Miss <strong>Jennifer K. Hudson</strong> is who.<br /><br />In town to premiere her latest acting endeavour, <em>The Secret Life of Bees </em>- a movie based a book that tells the tale of racial dynamics betwixt blacks and whites (and bees) set against the backdrop of tumultuous 60's North Carolina (primarily beehives therein)... or something...<br /><br />Anyballs - we got there at like 5:15 and about 8-10 minutes later it set in... "I can't believe we're doing this" - and wanted to leave. Then I convinced them that "y'all... this is the only time that we're going to get to see J Hud in this capacity. After this, the Oscar buzz will have worn off and she'll be relegated to films starring Martin Lawrence... so the least we can do is witness this". So we stayed.<br /><br />At around 5:45 the first car pulled up and it was none other than the progressively maturing <strong>Dakota Fanning</strong>. She bolted over to the unwashed masses, smile a'glowing, and signed many an autograph and took many a photo op. When she passed by us in ear shot, I asked her who her celebrity crush was, and then followed up as to whether or not it was Charlie Rose - an obvious reference to <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5xlkc_the-dakota-fanning-show-snl_fun"><strong><span style="color:#3366ff;">The Dakota Fanning Show</span></strong></a>, which I assume is chastely true to life.<br /><br />Next to arrive was songstress and co-star <strong>Alicia Keys</strong>, who also made sufficient rounds with the peanut gallery. Let me tell ya - from my estimation, the Proactiv is working. You go, girl.<br /><br />Next up HAD to be Hudson... COME ON! But no... t'was <strong>Queen Latifah</strong>... who looks considerably smaller than I thought she'd be... but I have to reason that's just because she's usually the requisite 'large & in charge sistah'... Anyballs, she also punched the plebeian clock, and again, drifted dangerously close to my brood of destructively ironic homos who were heard to have yelled at her: "We loved you on Fresh Prince!" Yeah. This was met by a roll of her royal eyes.<br /><br />So it's nearly show time and no Hudson to be seen anywhere, which made got me <em>su-huuuper</em> pissed because the only reason I dared intermingle myself with these bonafide gawkers was to ask her what her favourite movie was, what her favourite part of that movie was, and what she thought of that part - all of which she detailed in her B-Roll interview from movie night in Season 3 of American Idol:<br /><br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dxfpCHUZIHY&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dxfpCHUZIHY&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>Yeah. It's a thing in my act. I just wanted it on camera. Anyballs - she finally shows, scooting out of a car parked way the balls up from where we were, works the crowd very momentarily before being whisked through the press lineup. My cries of "JENNIFER!!! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE?!?! IS IT SISTER ACT 2?!?! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PART OF THAT MOVIE?!?! IS IT 'DA PART WHEN WHOOPI GETS GLUED TO 'DA CHAIR?!?! WAS IT HIL-A-RIOUS?!?!?" went largely unanswered.<br /><br />Anyballs - I got the whole thing on tape, so I'll edit that shit together and post it here and it'll be hilarious.<br /><br />So that was item worth discussing # 1...<br /><br />#2.) <strong>VMA tyme.<br /></strong><br />Since the late 80's, I have ne'er missed an installment of the MTV Video Music Awards. I think they're the most zeitgeist-y thing out there. I love taking - and studying - a snapshot of pop culture at any given time and this Awards show often provides the Polaroid. [Sidebar: Did you know that the very first MTV VMA's were hosted by Dan Ayckroyd and Better Midler??? Yes. The show where Madonna historically writhed around on the floor singing "Like A Virgin" was presided over by <strong>Dan Ayckroyd</strong> and <strong>Bette Midler</strong>.]<br /><br />Well, whatever suspicions anyone had that Ayckroyd and Midler would return as respective host and hostess of this year's 25th anniversary (read: no one had those suspicious. NO ONE) were quashed when British funnyman <strong>Russell Brand</strong> took the stage after a hopelessly anti-climactic opening 'skit' featuring <strong>Britney Spears</strong>.<br /><br />K... Russell Brand... one word: LIMEY. If that's the pinnacle of brilliance insofar as the UK's standup scene, then I don't know what. I thought it was limp. I thought he might be trying to do things that he thought would appeal to an American audience, but it just looked like he didn't understand the language he was speaking - kinda like the odd time an older road-comic goes on Video On Trial and tries to speak in youth lingo and make pop-cultural comments... - so very, very sad.<br /><br />Anyballs... other things of note:<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SMbVC-jWFQI/AAAAAAAABTs/gJH4ravRLxs/s1600-h/Brit.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5244113063247222018" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SMbVC-jWFQI/AAAAAAAABTs/gJH4ravRLxs/s400/Brit.jpg" border="0" /></a>- Britney Spears finally won... three awards at that, including the top prize, Video of the Year for the thoroughly unexceptional "Piece of Me". They might as well have named it the "Most Famous Person Actually In Attendance Gets This" award... anyballs - it's so, SO crazy to see her back in her robotic, guarded mode... "I'm speechless. I'd like to thank God and my two beautiful little boys, and of course, m'fans. Thanks, y'all!" Yeah, uh Britney... we've seen you attack a car with an umbrella whilst raving in a faux-British accent, not to mention your squalid pussy too many times to count. The jig is up. Please stop acting like you're this untouchable pop star anymore. Thanks. Love - Aj.<br /><br />- Two things about <strong>Rihanna</strong> that are disproportionate to her natural composition: i.) her thighs and ii.) her fame.<br /><br />- Although I'm as big a fan of <strong>Christina "X-Tina" Aguilera</strong>, I think it was perhaps a tad too early for a career highlights montage recapping all her previous looks from her video catalogue before she performed. Like, Madonna could do that. Janet could do that. Mariah could do that (although it wouldn't look that different). But with all of three albums to her name, I thought X-Tina might have been a little off her rocker...<br /><br />- Speaking of rockers, how refreshing to see someone actually fucking sing - so thank you, <strong>Pink</strong>. You're very underrated.<br /><br />- These fellows named the <strong>Jonas Brothers</strong> seem to be pretty big with the kids nowadays. They also wear promise rings - a concept that is fucking creepy. The premise of these rings is that kids are given these things by their parents when they're pre-teens, and it's supposed to represent a 'promise to themselves' (read: promise to their parents, Jesus and the Republican party) that they'll maintain their virginity, only to come off once a wedding ring goes on. It all sounds like glorious bullshit to me. After much prodding about this fact by host Russell Brand (his running gag of the evening... falling flat more often than not), linebacker <strong>Jordin Sparks</strong> - sporting arms boasting the circumference of red woods (THEMZ SOME FAT ARMS, DANG!!!) - decided to take a stand against this:<br /><br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/0YwZn7r8eU4&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/0YwZn7r8eU4&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>Yeah. Because if you don't wear a promise ring, you're a slut. That's all there is to it - no grey area whatsoever. Thank Christ Jordin Sparks had the courage to finally say it.<br /><br />- <strong>Miley Cyrus'</strong> gets more annoying by the second. And savour these days, bitch - because you'll soon go the way of <strong>Ashlee Simpson</strong>, who might as well have won a contest in order to appear at the awards as far as the audience was concerned, judging by her cold reception (or, rather, non-reception). Seriously - even when Pete Wentz signed off saying "I'm Pete Wentz, that's my wife Ashlee, and that's my baby" he had to prod the audience for a fucking response. I don't know if you remember, but four years ago, Ashlee Simpson was <em>the shit</em> in terms of teen pop stardom. And she couldn't be more irrelevant now. The shelf-life of a teen pop queen is fleeting, is what I'm saying...<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SMbaiIvkz3I/AAAAAAAABT0/KWAfPhEQkhM/s1600-h/tokio+hotel.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5244119096116957042" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SMbaiIvkz3I/AAAAAAAABT0/KWAfPhEQkhM/s400/tokio+hotel.jpg" border="0" /></a>- Proving that 2008 truly is shaping up to be the year of the tranny, the Best New Artist category witnessed a shocking upset when German alt-rockers <strong>Tokio Hotel</strong> snagged the trophy over modern-day Punky Brewsterite <strong>Miley Cyrus</strong>, glorified jailbait <strong>Taylor Swift</strong>, virgin shotputter <strong>Jordin Sparks</strong> and kooky flavour of the moment <strong>Katy Perry</strong>. It's especially surprising given the fact that the award was voted on by the fans... and, y'know, Jordin Sparks is famous <em>solely because</em> people voted for her... hmmm... anyballs - GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO trannys!!!<br /><br />So yeah. That was that.<br /><br />Kinda sucked balls. But I'll totally watch it again next year.<br /><br />Anyballs - I'm off.<br /><br />Smell ya later,<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-26711205736556755762008-09-03T10:27:00.000-07:002008-09-03T12:59:58.049-07:00Give me a 9... Give me an 0... Give me a 2...<div><div>Hey <em>HEY</em> Hey.<br /><br />I hope you understood how the inflection of that was supposed to go, because t'was supposed to be sassy.<br /><br />So whoop-dee-whoop it's September, traditionally, when new shows premiere and all that junk.<br /><br />Every year, I give two new shows a chance. This year, my bets are/were hedged on:<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL7KJB6pZgI/AAAAAAAABTU/ijjnNmEFYkg/s1600-h/Hole+In+The+Wall.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5241849272787887618" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL7KJB6pZgI/AAAAAAAABTU/ijjnNmEFYkg/s400/Hole+In+The+Wall.jpg" border="0" /></a>A.) <strong>Hole In The Wall</strong> - Yep. It's exactly what it says. Contestants stand on a big foam platform, a wall comes at them with a predetermined shape cut out that the contestant needs to try and assimilate their body to, or else they're dunked in lava.<br /><br />Or something like that. To the surprise of no one, it's inspired by a Japanese Game Show of roughly the same name, although I'd have to bet the words "Super" and "Happy" and<br />"Fun" are also somewhere in the Japanese title.<br /><br />Anyballs... I'm mainly watching it to see this one contestant who was featured on the promos - a hefty, hefty black lady, who, as soon as she saw the hole she'd have to fit through (one far smaller and more contorted than she could ever hope to fit through), exclaimed, "Dayumn Dayumn Dayumn!!!" AMAZING!<br /><br />So that's one...<br /><br />2.) <strong>The NEW 90210</strong><br /><br />Yep. Saw it last night. Meh.<br /><br />The main reason that I watched it was because I was a super fan of it back in the early 90's, and hastily discontinued my watching it as soon as <strong>Shannen Doherty</strong> departed, thinking it was donesville. Well I was wrong about that. It lasted for quite some time after that, boasting future double Oscar-winner <strong>Hilary Swank</strong>, to boot. But it was never the same without ShanDoh...<br /><br />Anyballs, last night, lured like a moth to a flame by the return of Shannen Doherty to Beverly Hills High like so, so many others, I tuned in.<br /><br />The premise: <strong>Rob Estes</strong> (who's inching towards busted, sorry to say) and <strong>Lori Laughlin</strong> (who I don't think has ever NOT played a MILF in her entire career) are moving their daughter Annie (played by Torontonian <strong>Shenae Grimes</strong>... who we can only assume is directly related to prominent travel correspondent <strong><a href="http://comedyjuice.com/2008/04/snl-judy-grimes-just-kidding.html"><span style="color:#3333ff;">Judy Grimes</span></a></strong>... ) and their adopted black son Dixon (who played some dude named Tristan somethingorother who was on <em>The Wire</em> and will also be starring alongside Dakota Fanning and Jennifer Hudson in <em>The Secret Life of Bees</em>, premiering RIGHT HERE at the Toronto Film Festival!) migrate from Kansas City to Beverly Hills to live with their grandmother, played by <strong>Jessica</strong> "Lucille Bluth" <strong>Walters</strong> - a boozing, cougar-esque former film star.<br /><br />So yes, once again, it's bumbling country mice venturing into the glamorous and treacherous big city. Drama and life lessons ensue.<br /><br />The show seems very focused on Annie... who I guess would be the "Brenda" of this go around. And thus far her trek seems very akin to Lindsay "Cady Herron" Lohan from <em>Mean Girls</em>. She arrives at the school, and one of the first people she meets is arty weirdo Silver (a-la Janis in Mean Girls) who she eventually ditches for queen bee Naomi (a-la Regina in Mean Girls) and wouldn't you know it... arty weirdo Silver and queen bee Naomi used to be best friends in a past life but had a huge falling out and both have axes to grind... blah blah blah SO MEAN GIRLS!!!<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL7mZJ5fZtI/AAAAAAAABTc/BRdayjgGaVg/s1600-h/Old+Broads.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5241880336134006482" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL7mZJ5fZtI/AAAAAAAABTc/BRdayjgGaVg/s400/Old+Broads.jpg" border="0" /></a>Anyballs... some thoroughly ridiculous shit happens... Naomi has a 'not-so-sweet 16 party'... which is preposterous, as the actress who plays Naomi - AnnaLynne McCord - isn't in any remote realm light years away from being able to play 15... for real, the bitch looks older than Jessica Walter... and Jessica Walter is playing a Nana, y'all...<br /><br />Also, at one point, Annie goes on a date with some outrageously dreamy guy who's in the school musical with her named - predictably - Ty... on a private plane... to San Francisco. Yes.<br /><br />Then when Lori "Aunt Becky" Loughlin busts her on it, she's like "Mom! That's what kids here do! They go to San Fracisco on private planes!" Awful. Awful awful awful.<br /><br />And anutha thang - since when did kids get computers attached to their desks?!?! Maybe that's just a Bev Hills thing BUT STILL.<br /><br />Anyballs... Time has been kind to Jennifer "Kelly Taylor" Garth - she looks great. She's now a guidance councillor at Bev Hills High, after the fashion industry proved too superficial for her - a situation that many have found themselves in, no doubt. She's totally going to bounce on top one of the teachers, if he doesn't bounce on top of the actress bitch who's addicted to pills first.<br /><br />Speaking of actress bitches who are/were addicted to pills, I'm not going to pretend that I didn't involuntarily squeal with delight when Brenda appeared. I felt things come full circle, and now I have my peace with 90210. Because I'm sure as balls not watching that swill again.<br /><br />Anyballs... tonight - THERE'S A TRANNY ON 90210!!!!!!!<br /><br />TEAM ISIS!!!<br /><br />Until tomorrow,<br /><br />--- Aj</div></div>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-84699087888536195472008-09-02T10:37:00.000-07:002008-09-02T14:03:40.132-07:00Remember when I used to blog?<div><div><div><div><div>So hey.<br /><br />Long time.<br /><br /><em>I know</em>.<br /><br />Y'see, proving that birds of a feather really <em>do</em> flock together, much like <strong>Rosie O'Donnell</strong> - I decided to take the month of August off from the blog. Unlike Rosie, I failed to mention that I was... so to anyone who thought that I was dead, I'm very sorry. Because I'm <em>SO</em> not dead. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact... but anyballs...<br /><br />Hope your August was cool. Mine was alright. Just spent time relishing the dog days of summer, mostly - of course, relishing the dog days of summer Andrew Johnston-stylez, means spending little-if-no time lapping up rays of the smiling August sun NOR does it include using the polarizing condiment relish... so I guess it's not really relishing at all... but still... it was nice.<br /><br />Anyballs, just as the kids have gone back to school today, as have I to this blog. So I'm back. Full force - <strong><em>FULL FORCE</em></strong>!<br /><br />WHAT a month it's been in the news, huh? Like big, Big, BIG shit hit the fan over the month of August '08. So, as a semi-triumphant return to blogging of sorts, I thought I'd tidily round up the biggest and baddest news stories that made the headlines in August...<br /><br />1.) <strong>SLUMBERING DUDE BEHEADED ON GREYHOUND BUS!!!<br /></strong><br />Wooo-howdy this one was a doozy. How explosively did everyone crap their pants when they read <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/canada/manitoba/story/2008/07/31/greyhound-transcanada.html"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">this one</span></strong></a>?<br /><br /><u>The long and short of it</u>: At approximately 8:30 PM Central time just West of Winnipeg, an unassuming 22-year-old carnival worker by the name of <strong>Tim McLean</strong> was unexpectedly and gruesomely attacked by a previously though-to-be unassuming 40-year-old newspaper delivery person by the name of <strong>Vince Weiguang Li</strong>.<br /><br />According to reports, all was silent on the western front until - out of nowhere - this stocky Asian man (Weiguang Li) very purposefully got up and started hacking the dormant McLean with a butcher knife, completely oblivious to the panicking passengers around him - all of which managed to evacuate the bus. Sometimethereafter, Weiguang Li tried to exit the bus, McLean's severed head in hand, but the passengers - who had somehow managed to grow a pair by this point - barricaded him in the bus, threatening him with hammers and wrenches on loan from a passing tow truck they'd flagged down.<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL2PrXtb2EI/AAAAAAAABSs/GkNgdNH6U70/s1600-h/Weiguang+Li.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5241503516590856258" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL2PrXtb2EI/AAAAAAAABSs/GkNgdNH6U70/s400/Weiguang+Li.jpg" border="0" /></a>By the time that authorities arrived, Weiguang Li was madly pacing up and down the aisle of the bus, saying that he "would have to stay on the bus forever". Obviously that didn't happen, and the crazy bitch was arrested with very little protest.<br /><br />Appearing in court the day after (pictured), he kept his head bowed, saying nothing, and only nodding ever-so-slightly when the judge asked him if he this was because he was retaining his right to silence. The only time he does go on record saying something is his next court appearance, when he utters "please kill me".<br /><br /><u>Here's what we know</u>:<br /><br />- Tim McLean was a hockey trophy-case short of being <em>the</em> quintessential all-Canadian boy next door, which made his passing that much more tragic and that much more newsworthy on the international landscape. For realsies, I think half the reports I read about this dealt with the incident and the other half dealt with the fact that something that happened in Canada was making international news. Ha-cha-cha.<br /><br />- Vince Weiguang Li had no previous record of violence or mental illness prior to this... but he sure as balls does now. Apparently he was just a very quiet-if-unfriendly solitary immigrant dude who delivered papers and stocked shelves at Walmart or some junk. There's been some talk about him going missing for a few days before this happened, even spending some time in a mental health facility. Anyballs - he's now officially been classified as a paranoid schizophrenic... which means that he'd constantly hear voices in his head that would dictate things for him to do or threaten him... a lot of the time, this manifests itself violently, and more often than not, in suicide, because the affected can't handle the constant inner-torment... and, from what I've been hearing in the mental health community (because I totally hang out in those circles, motherfuckers... read: my mom's a psychiatric nurse and she told me this), that's what's likely to happen to him. Anyballs - his next court date is scheduled for September 8th.<br /><br />- All sorts of security measures have been proposed to ensure this doesn't happen again - everything from Greyhound barring carry-on luggage to knife registry. YES, KNIFE REGISTRY. Okay... not to belittle this gruesome, gruesome incident and by no means to be insensitive to the deceased... but I think more people are killed by falling asteroids than beheaded on buses. I think this is a bit of an exceptional circumstance. That said, I'm sure as balls not travelling by bus anytime soon, so I guess I'm just a big fat hypocrite. Que Sera Sera.<br /><br />2.) <strong>CHINA SHUNS ITS SNAGGLE-TOOTHED DAUGHTERS!!!</strong><br /><br />... As if feet binding wasn't enough? Gah.<br /><br />So, the Olympics came, and the Olympics went. Butterface'd swimmers won medals and journalists protesting China's treatment of Tibet went mysteriously missing.<br /><br />But the MOST buzz-worthy event to come from Beijing '08, at least in my eyes? That <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/othersports/olympics/2545387/Beijing-Olympics-Faking-scandal-over-girl-who-sang-in-opening-ceremony.html"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Milli Vanilli fiasco</span></strong></a> from the opening ceremonies.<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5241512663223162322" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL2X_xkg1dI/AAAAAAAABS0/X6thMsQYU98/s400/Hot,+Not+Hot.jpg" border="0" /><u>The long & short of it</u>: There was a nation-wide search in China (<em>talk</em> about looking for a needle in a hay-stack! Zing.) to look for a girl with a perfect voice to sing a freshly-penned song entitled "Hymn to the Motherland" (which kinda sounds like the title of a Nazi anthem in its blinding grandeur, but whatever) when they finally scrounged up the golden pipes of <strong>Yang Peiyi</strong> (pictured, right). Rehearsals were going swimmingly until the political powers that be got their panties in a bunch over her rather unpretty snaggle teeth, and at the last minute, replaced with her with a considerably more telegenic counterpart named <strong>Lin Miaoke</strong> (the bitch who looks plucked straight out of the Chinese chorus of the "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APmHR2bmQgw"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">It's A Small World</span></strong></a>" ride at Disney World, pictured to the left).<br /><br /><u>Here's what we know</u>: Chalk this up to the consorted effort by the Chinese government to gentrify the country in time for the Olympics... On top of rigid anti-spitting laws, mandatory single-file lineup laws and compulsory English lessons for anyone remotely mercantile, it turns out that snaggle teeth aren't beneficial for China's "national interest". Isn't this EXACTLY what happened back in 1990 in the C&C Music Factory's smash-hit "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b714Wi4CDsQ"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Everybody Dance Now</span></strong></a>"? How <strong>Martha</strong> "It's Raining Men" <strong>Wash</strong> sang the vocals, but in the video, they substituted her for the considerably more-attractive lip synch stylings of <strong>Zelma Davis</strong>??? And then Martha Wash sued - and won - and then appeared in C&C Music Factory's subsequent hits??? Yeah. It's exactly like that. Except unlike Yang and Lin, I don't think Martha needed to go back to her job assembling Bratz dolls in a sweatshop. Again, Que Sera Sera.<br /><br />3.) <strong>BARACK OBAMA SELECTS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...!!!</strong><br /><br />... and it's not Hilary...<br /><br />... or Oprah...<br /><br />... or even Jackee Harry...<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5241520043677848498" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL2etX6CE7I/AAAAAAAABS8/wokc5HAAUD8/s400/Barack.jpg" border="0" />Balderdash.<br /><br />4.) <strong>MCCAIN SELECTS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...!!!</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL2heceUEMI/AAAAAAAABTE/uMmHvWzzCa4/s1600-h/McCain,+Palin.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5241523085740609730" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL2heceUEMI/AAAAAAAABTE/uMmHvWzzCa4/s400/McCain,+Palin.jpg" border="0" /></a>And it's a chick!!! Holy fuck!!! Suck it, Obama!!!<br /><br />And moreover, it's Tina Fey. Holy balls.<br /><br />No.<br /><br />As the world at large knows by this point, her name is <strong>Sarah Palin</strong> - she's the Governor (or rather, Gover<em>ness</em>) of Alaska, she's pro-life, pro-gun, pro-anti-gay-marriage, soon to be pro-raping the arctic in search of glorious, glorious oil and about a decade shy of being half McCain's age. For realsies... don't they look like the oddest little May/December romance? Yuck.<br /><br />Anyballs... isn't <em>this</em> just like the Dr. Suess tome <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Wacky-Wednesday-Beginner-Books-R/dp/0394829123"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Wacky Wednesday </span></strong></a>sprung to life? The Democrats choose a surly white dude for Veep and the Republican's choose a ballbustin' broad. What's next?! People wearing shoes on their head and hats on their feet?!?!?! AHHHH!!!<br /><br />In other news... the McCain campaign musn't be wise to the facebook machine yet. Palin's daughter Bristol (classy name) is pregnant and has <a href="http://perezhilton.com/2008-09-02-what-did-her-mom-do-wrong"><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">ample photographic evidence</span></strong></a> online that suggests she's an underage drinker. Also, apparently she supported a party in Alaska that's been aiming to separate it from the US. Yeah. FUN!<br /><br />Finally...<br /><br />The most important and savoury news item that passed during my hiatus...<br /><br />5.) <strong>"HAIRSPRAY" STAR AND "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL" ALUM BRAWL AT AIRPORT!!!</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL2l8avyarI/AAAAAAAABTM/MJIuRrn8MCM/s1600-h/Ew.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5241527998719617714" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SL2l8avyarI/AAAAAAAABTM/MJIuRrn8MCM/s400/Ew.jpg" border="0" /></a>HOLY BALLS! I leaped out of my skin when this item broke.<br /><br /><u>The long and short of it</u>: Although details remain scant, early on in August, a real-life edition of Celebrity Family Feud erupted in an airport on the Isle of Turks & Caicos... only instead of beating each other with the most commonly said answer to a general interest survey, they actually used their fists. Apparently the Blonsky family were taking up an exorbitant amount of seats (which, considering their ample physical girth, doesn't seem surprising... but instead, they had their luggage up on it), and refused to move it when a member of that skank bitch from ANTM Cycle 9 Bianca's presumably skanky Klan came up and asked them to. The Blonsky's finally conceited, when someone from The Golden (that's Bianca's last name... because she be classy, y'all) family remarked "I don't want to sit next to no white bitch" and sparring ensued.<br /><br /><u>Here's what we know</u>: When the dust settled, several people had to be hospitalized - to the surprise of no one, really, as I could see both sides carrying shanks, or at least knowing how to fashion a shank easily - and charges were filed: Both Bianca and Nikki were charged with "bodily harm" while Nikki's father Carl was charged with "grievous bodily harm". Both Bianca and Nikki were released on bail, but Nikki's father Carl remains in custody until a court date sometime this fall.<br /><br />You couldn't even make this shit up if you tried. I've been waiting with baited breath to hear that this was instead some sort of reality show prank or something, but no - the shit is real! I don't actually think I could ask for a better combination of D Listers to engage in something like this EVER... well... maybe Brigitte Nielson and Clay Aiken or something... that'd be pretty awesome, too...<br /><br />Whatevs.<br /><br />Anyway.<br /><br />More tomorrow.<br /><br />Good to see you again!!!<br /><br />--- Aj</div></div></div></div></div>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-5205309527993672982008-07-28T12:02:00.000-07:002008-07-28T13:08:28.097-07:00Billy Fuccillo, where have you been all my life?Hey cookies...<br /><br />Happy Monday to you and yours.<br /><br />How was your weekend? Mine was spent with me and mine, as opposed to you and yours, of course. That's right - I went back to Brockville for a familyola reunionthing that was both amusing and informative... I say informative in that it was disclosed that one of my aunts (who shall remain nameless... ... ...) BREASTFED HER KIDS UNTIL THEY WERE UPWARDS TO AND INCLUDING (BUT NOT LIMITED TO) 5 YEARS OLD!!!!<br /><br />Yeah.<br /><br />There's a rule of thumb that if you can ask for it, you're too old for it. So, in theory, that could mean two... But fucko - by FIVE, not only can you speak, but you likely have political opinions... fuck, you probably have a list of favourite non-fiction novels by that age!!! NUTS!!!<br /><br />Further amusement came after my Saturday morning treadmilling, standing in the kitchen where my mother happened to have the local oldies station on... When, y'see, following Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" an extended radio commercial by none other than one Mr. <strong>Billy Fuccillo</strong> floated o'er the airwaves...<br /><br />Billy Fuccillo is a bit of a legend in the Eastern Ontario/Upstate New York region... his commercials for the Fuccillo 'Automall' - featuring his signature pronunciation and delivery of the word "HUUUGE!" - are the stuff that dreams are made of. Observe:<br /><br /><br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/DXRaboSo70A&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/DXRaboSo70A&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>Yep. In many ways, I feel as if I was raised by Billy Fuccillo... he certainly feels like part of my family, anyway.<br /><br />I can remember back in University, during on the sketch shows that I did, there was potentially the most entertaining sketch ever created entitled "Kill Billy Fuccillo" - a takeoff of the "Kill Bill" movies that were ever-so-popular at the time. Yeah. Basically, the sketch revolved around Uma "The Bride" Thurman going after Billy Fuccillo and his criminally insane deals and steals on Hyundai's. I think that was pretty much all there was to it. I can't imagine what <em>MORE</em> there would have been to it than that...<br /><br />Anyballs... fun times. Also fun times? TOMORROW NIGHT:<br /><br /><br /><p align="center"><a href="http://s52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/?action=view&current=PosterResized.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" src="http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/PosterResized.jpg" border="0" /></a></p>Yep. TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW!!! It's, also, going to be HUUUGE!!!<br /><br />I'm not leaving you with that, though...<br /><br />Today, the people in my office challenged each other to think of the funniest name we'd ever heard. Robert "Bob" Lawblaw (Bob Lawblaw... say it! SAY IT!) won out, but my offering was a close fourth*... (*fourth was last place. fuck.)<br /><br />Mine: <strong>SHEILA CHOAD</strong>.<br /><br />YES. AHHHH!!! I think it's the funniest name EVER! I said that it was the name of the regional manager of the DMV in Brockville - but I was TOTALLY bullshitting... it was the name of a character that Maya Rudolph played in a sketch called "Sheila Choad's Los Angeles Face" - a mock-talk show discussing the joys of botox (click the link to view... it won't let me embed... and you will WANT to see this):<br /><br /><p align="center"><a href="http://www.zippyvideos.com/4049870254812336/snl_-_sheila_choads_los_angeles_face/"><img src="http://i2.zvhost.com/2/a/a3s2ypy9.jpg" border="0" /></a></p> That was for all of you stay-at-home non-moms out there...<br /><br />Anyballs... UNTIL TOMORROW -<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-9357290020416082122008-07-23T10:52:00.000-07:002008-07-23T12:07:06.967-07:00Since I've Been Go-ooo-one...... YOU can breathe for the first time...<br /><br />Not really.<br /><br />Anyway - HI!!! Sorry I've been so MIA of late. Various reasons. Mostly good. But that's a story for another time...<br /><br />So what can I possibly tell you? It's raining like cats and dogs here in the T Dot. I'm currently sitting at my desk, presiding over whatever business it is that I preside over, listening to Melissa Etheridge's Greatest Hits like a sorghum-raising, Simone de Beauvoir-quoting lesbo (of note about Melissa Etheridge: her songs kinda sound the same) and watching oodles of obnoxiously precocious child actors and their equally obnoxious stage parents sashay their way past my office door - y'see, as I mention on here from time to time, I work at the Mirvish building, for a company that handles the Mirvish real estate, um... 'ventures', we'll call them... and down the hall from my office is the rehearsal hall, where auditions are often held... this week, they're seeing candidates for the Von Trapp children (in the upcoming Mirvish production of "The Sound of Music" - CAN YOU NOT FUCKING WAIT?!?! YES!!!) - and from what I can gather, they must be seeing the younger ones of the set - so, Kurt, Brigitta, Marta and of course, Gretl - because these bitches look youuung.<br /><br />Anyballs - a lot of these kids are in for some searing disappointment. Anytime I see one with red hair, it's like "you've got red hair, you won't be a Von Trapp kid."... conversely, anytime I see one that looks remotely 'exotic', they're ruled out as well - basically, unless you look like you could be humming a Nazi anthem whilst you make schnitzel, FOR. GET. IT.<br /><br />In semi-related news: I saw <strong><em>Mamma Mia!</em></strong> this past Thursday night. Two thumbs DOWN! Gah - I was not amused. But really, I don't know what I was expecting - I mean, it was a farkin' jukebox musical featuring the songs of ABBA adapted from a cheesy-as-hell yet thoroughly entertaining stage show.<br /><br /><a href="http://bp1.blogger.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SId9J1_xbEI/AAAAAAAABSk/0PE51sxpSDc/s1600-h/Meryl+%26+Co.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5226283500653603906" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SId9J1_xbEI/AAAAAAAABSk/0PE51sxpSDc/s400/Meryl+%26+Co.jpg" border="0" /></a>Well, strike that, I do know what I was expecting: Hairspray. Which I had pendulous trepidations about... in terms of how effective it would be transferring to the big screen... and then -SHAZAM- it turned out to be fucking amazing. I guess I thought that of Mamma Mia, too. Nope. The whole thing seemed kind of kids-film-esque to me - hokey and edge-less. The text was stale (read: your mom will LOVE this shit... she'll think it's the funniest, most outrageous romp she's been on since "Monster In Law"), there were far too many 'stand and deliver' scenes (in which people sing songs to each other in dead earnestness as if they were exchanging dialogue, resulting in them looking like crazy people) and generally outside of the rules of the contemporary, successful movie musical. Not to mention that there was this insane chorus of Greek islanders that drove me NUTS, pictured in the background dancing b'hind Meryl & co...<br /><br />Had Meryl Streep not rocked out with her sizable cock out, it would have been absolutely unwatchable. Like, had it been Melanie Griffith or Goldie Hawn or another similar actress of a certain age, it would have been one gigantic pile of barf, but Streep weaved her signature brand of magic. She seemed like she was REALLY having fun and really relishing the experience, which was nice. And she can definitely sing - unlike SOME people I know (*cough*Pierce Brosnan*end cough*)... yeah... regarding: Pierce Brosnan... they might as well have cast Leonard Cohen in the role - BITCH CANNOT DO ANYTHING THAT REMOTELY RESEMBLES THE WORD 'SING'...<br /><br />And anutha thang!!!: I hate to play logistics police (not really... I actually fuckin' love it!), but the film was rife with age and timing inaccuracies. It's made clear that Amanda "Sophie" Seyfried is 20 years old... Meryl "Donna" Streep is pushin' 60... this would mean she had Sophie in the late-late-LATE 30's... which is a little late in life to be musing whimsically about summer loves in one's diary-ladies, am I right? Anyballs... that's about it...<br /><br />In other news: I'd be remiss if I didn't make mention of the passing of Estelle "Sophia Petrillo" Getty... I think we're all torn up about it... she was a woman who lived her life committed to two things: tellin' it like it is and being an active senior. Let us have one for Estelle, one mo' time...<br /><br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/WeTqHlkdfgA&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/WeTqHlkdfgA&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>Sad. Sad sad sad sad sad.<br /><br />Don't worry - I'm not about to leave you on that note: here's a clip of Alaina "Rose" Hall, Jackee "Sandra" Harry and Marla "Mary" Gibbs who, thankfully are all still very much with us, from 227 serenading Sherman "George Jefferson" Helmsley with a cover of the Pointer Sisters' "Jump"...<br /><br /><p align="center"><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wLvXtZn1m-s&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wLvXtZn1m-s&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>OH - one more thing...<br /><br /><p align="center"><a href="http://s52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/?action=view&current=PosterResized.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" src="http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/PosterResized.jpg" border="0" /></a></p> LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY!!! AHHHHH!!!<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-62352702474480926332008-07-16T12:02:00.000-07:002008-07-16T12:57:07.110-07:00I'M ALIVE!!!Yep.<br /><br />I most certainly am. Although you wouldn't know it from the frequency, or rather <em>in</em>frequency, that I've been a'bloggin'...<br /><br />So where have I been? What have I been doing? Why I haven't I been blogging? When have I been doing all of these non-blogging things? All good questions - each and every last one of them.<br /><br />Perhaps we'll never know...<br /><br />One question, however, that I DO rather gleefully have the answer to, however, is what would happen if you combined these two things:<br /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5223703099536758034" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://bp0.blogger.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SH5SSuv-1RI/AAAAAAAABSU/kZCiwAqERcs/s400/Me+%26+Ange.jpg" border="0" />What is the sum?<br /><br />THIS is the sum...<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5223703103092256338" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://bp2.blogger.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SH5SS7_rblI/AAAAAAAABSc/KN1QeB8OMxQ/s400/Andrewlina.jpg" border="0" />Yep.<br /><br />Horrifying. Actually kind of disgusting. Oh well.<br /><br />I'm going to see an advance screening of Mamma Mia tonight, and am all too excited about it. I'd say expect a full-tilt spoiler of it tomorrow, but the entire thing is kind of spoiled if you've remotely seen the stage show, which approximately 15 million people worldwide have (which, by the way, is more plentiful than the world's Jewish population, which, at last count, clocked in at a measley 13.3 million... only 300,000 of which are in Canada... yep... the amount of people that have witnessed live stage antics set to the music of ABBA outweigh the amount of people in the world who subscribe to the philosophy that Christ didn't come again, having sex through a hole in a sheet and brisket. BRISKET!!!) then you'll easily know that everyone fucking gets married in the end and they sing us out to "Dancing Queen". Whattheballsever... I loves me some Meryl Streep more than I loves me some life...<br /><br />So that's exciting...<br /><br />What else is exciting...<br /><p align="center"><a href="http://s52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/?action=view&current=PosterResized.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" src="http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g34/andrewjohnston/PosterResized.jpg" border="0" /></a></p>OHHHHH yes. Just under two weeks. Hold onto your hats.<br /><br />'Til T'morrow...<br /><br />--- Ajandrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4912841632284693150.post-27956215242940606562008-07-08T11:26:00.001-07:002008-07-08T13:24:47.970-07:00A very "Wanted" review... UNABASHED SPOILERS WITHIN!!!<div><div><div>Really? That's the best I could come up with? Yep. Yeppy yep yep yep.<br /><br />You know how sometimes you just get a craving for something specific? Like something, if you close your eyes and expend an iota of concentration on, you can practically taste it? For me, those cravings are often chocolate, olives, brie cheese, tzatziki sauce and cinematic instances of <strong>Angelina Jolie</strong> kicking ass like it's never been kicked before.<br /><br />So... last night, experiencing a jones-ing for the latter, I took in the latest action-packed Angelina Jolie vehicle, "Wanted". And what a roller coaster ride it was...<br /><br /><strong><em><u>Warning: if you don't want to soak in blatant, unabashed spoilers, avert your gaze/gays NOW...<br /><br /></u></em></strong>The first thing that struck me is how specific the previews are for movies. In that, the previews for the last movie I saw - Sex & The City: The Movie - were for absolute estro-swill like <em>He's Just Not That Into You</em> and <em>Sisterhood of Travelling Pants 2: The Womanhood of the Venturing Schpants/Jorts</em>... the previews for Wanted were for all for skid-mark sporting dudes - shit starring <strong>Shia LaBeouf</strong> like <em>Power Guns 2: The Wreckoning</em> or <em>GUNCARS!</em> or something that I would have 0.0 interest in seeing...<br /><br />Anyballs... we start off at an office party celebrating the bosses' birthday - she's a rotund lady named Janice, very reminiscent of 'Mimi' from <em>Drew Carey</em>. We're treated to an expository voice over by the character of Wesley, played by star-on-the-rise <strong>James McAvoy</strong>. He talks about how similar his day-to-day existence is and how miserable that makes him.<br /><br /><a href="http://bp0.blogger.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SHO7ewPQnRI/AAAAAAAABR8/mT3i4HTTrlg/s1600-h/JOLIE.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5220722530071911698" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://bp0.blogger.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SHO7ewPQnRI/AAAAAAAABR8/mT3i4HTTrlg/s400/JOLIE.jpg" border="0" /></a>Apparently he suffers from anxiety attacks - where his heart starts to race, his face gets all red-like, and he processes climactic moments in slow motion.<br /><br />Cut to: a drugstore, Wesley's getting his prescription meds filled alongside his best friend (who just so happens to be fucking his girlfriend, a fact that he's all too aware of, but meh, what's down-on-his-luck Wesley gonna do about it?) Enter Angelina "Fox" Jolie - who, throughout the entire film, looks exactly like the photo to the left. I'm not kidding - <strong>THIS JOLIE WOMAN DOES NOT HAVE AN OFF SWITCH</strong>.<br /><br />She barely speaks in this movie, and when she does, that's the only time she's not perched statuesquely, pouting ominously-yet-seductively. It was amazing to see how many scenes she'd just be looming in the background, observing the scene yet not contributing anything whatsoever other than a static, ominous pout. SHE IS ALWAYS ON. It's amazing.<br /><br />Even when she fought, she'd still retain her pout. It would turn into 'ass-kicking-pout-face', as per evidenced below:<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5220724439031355474" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://bp2.blogger.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SHO9N3qqGFI/AAAAAAAABSE/Sl57fofdRYE/s400/Ass+Kick+Pout.jpg" border="0" />Yeah. Anyballs. Angelina pops up beside him at the pharmacy counter and tells him that his father, one of the world's greatest assassins, was killed today and the man who killed him - Mr. X - is coming after him. Said Mr. X happens to be right around the corner down the feminine hygiene aisle, and just like that - a good-old-fashioned gun-fight ensues. The Jole-ster manages to finagle Wesley out of there with her into her sexy red car, and a good-old-fashioned car chase ensues.<br /><br />Blah blah blah blah blah guns guns guns cars cars cars, chase-y chase-y, shoot-y shoot-y, car flip-y into bus, bus crush-y police blockade, the dust settles and Angie and Wesley are still alive, the end. Wesley wakes up in a warehouse where he's surrounded by a cast of colourful characters, and receives the information that he's the son of one of the greatest assassins in the world and destined to follow in his footsteps. Wesleys' all "my father left my mother and I when I was 7 years old" and starts to have an anxiety attack - when the ringleader of these colourful characters, played by Morgan Freeman in what must be his 1,000,000th wise, reverent black man role, tells him that his anxiety attacks are misdirected adrenaline that, when harnessed correctly, would make him a superhuman killer.<br /><br />Morgan then explains the back story - they're this covenant of assassins carrying out fate's work called "The Fraternity" and up until recently, his father was one of them - the best, until he was killed by a rebel "Fraternity" member who is picking them off, one by one. The only one who can avenge his father's death is him and this is his destiny, blah blah blah. Wesley's still not sold - he goes back to his day job, realizes that his father's <em>substantial</em> assets had been transferred to him (to the tune of 3 hundred million dollars) and starts to acquire his taste for life in the fast lane. This comes to a crescendo when his boss Janice has one particularly zesty confrontation over an expense report and he goes ape shit on her, tell her to shut the fuck up, exits the building, and bashes his philandering best friend/co-worker's skull in with his ergoboard (whatever happened to those things? I used to have one and really liked it... whatever...)<br /><br />He marches out of the building and who should be waiting for him in her sexy, stealth black car? Why none other than a pleasingly pouty GeGe JoJo, ready to whisk him back to Fraternity headquarters.<br /><br />All is not so sexy and glamorous, however - turns out Assassin central is really a textile factory. What's that? "<em>A TEXTILE FACTORY? Now I've seen everything</em>" - I know. Then Wesley is introduced to potentially the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen... Morgan Freeman explains to Wesley that the Fraternity is carrying out orders dictated to them by, *ahem*, the loom of fate. YES. THE LOOM OF FATE. An enormous loom that spells out names of people numerically and they must die in order for thousands to be saved or some shit.<br /><br /><a href="http://bp1.blogger.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SHPEFTin7VI/AAAAAAAABSM/Yh6kv0-UtFo/s1600-h/T%27too.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5220731988476423506" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_Xor30KeYiuc/SHPEFTin7VI/AAAAAAAABSM/Yh6kv0-UtFo/s400/T%27too.jpg" border="0" /></a>After this, Wesley is put through a prolonged period of 'training' - he basically gets the fuck beaten out of him repeatedly and is nursed back to health by way of some sort of wax-bath that stimulated white blood cells... during one of which, the audience is treated to the ample, tattooed backside of Angelina Jolie (I'll be she <em>hated</em> that scene...)<br /><br />Anyballs, after a montage of many a bloody trials and errors, The Jole-ster and Morgan Freeman come to the conclusion that Wesley is ready for his first job. The Jole-ster accompanies him, and when push comes to shove, he can't do it. He doesn't know why he's supposed to kill someone not knowing if they've done anything wrong... The Jole-ster then explains to him that years ago, there was a little girl whose father was a judge - he was assigned to a case where the accused wanted a judge who wouldn't be so stringent, so a hit was put out on him. This particular assassin - named Phillip Frisk or something - came to the judges house, tied up the judge, poured gasoline on him, burned him, and made the little girl watch as it happened. Then, he took a red hot coat hanger and branded her... Well, THAT GIRL WAS ANGELINA. A fact made BEYOND obvious by the lips on the bitch they got to play 7-year-old Angie... for reals... it was a dead ringer...<br /><br />Anyballs, Angie says that shortly after she joined the assassins, she found that Phillip Frisk's name had been called by the "loom of fate" some two weeks before her father had been murdered, and whichever Fraternity member had been assigned to kill him chickened out - so that's why Angie always follows through, no questions asked.<br /><br />Time passes, he finally gets some balls and starts offing people, and decides he's ready to finally take out Mr. X. During a previous confrontation with Mr. X, they find one of the custom made bullets he uses, and somehow traces it to Arabia. Yes, Arabia. So he goes to Arabia in search of Mr. X, accompanied by - unbeknownst to him - one Ms. Angelina Jolie-Pitt, because, y'see, it turns out that Wesley's name was picked by the "loom of fate" and he's her next job. D-RRR-AMA!!!!<br /><br />Blah blah blah they go to Arabia, and Wesley stalks the dude who made the bullets - played by <strong>Terrence Stamp</strong>, who some of you may recognize from a slew of action-adventure movies, among them: <em>Phantom Menace</em>, <em>Elektra</em> and most recently <em>Get Smart</em>; but I recognize him as the tranny queen in <em>The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert</em> - and, after sufficiently threatened at gunpoint, he clues them in on the whereabouts of Mr. X.<br /><br />I can't really remember the specifics of how this unfolds, but there's this crazy chase scene on a train that goes through the mountains, Angelina <em>[sexily]</em> crashes a car into the train to grant herself entrance to it and someone pulls the emergency brake as it's going over a bridge high above a truly cavernous ravine. The train cars start to wobble off - this is the part where I shit myself. SHIT MYSELF. I live at Broadview & Danforth, and the subway always needs to go over the Don River on this suspension bridge, and it's basically my worst nightmare that the cars go off the track. Basically - ANYBALLS... Eventually Mr. X and Wesley come face to face, with Wesley dangling off the car, about to fall to his death, when - GASP - Mr. X reaches a hand out to save Wesley. Wesley, having none of it, shoots the poor fucker in the heart... ah well, too little too late, because the next thing that happens is the train car that they were dangling on plummets below. Wesley's alive, Mr. X barely is. Wesley gets up in his face, about to do him in. With his last breath, Mr. X tells him that he, in fact, is Wesley's father and he had been trying to protect him all along - which makes stunning sense really, as Mr. X never shot at Wesley, just the other assassins. Then he dies.<br /><br />Then, out of nowhere because she's magical, appears Angelina Jolie. Yeah... somehow she stowed away on this particular car that just plummeted 18 miles down a ravine. He asks her if this is true, and she says "yeah... but whatever. His name came up bitch. And so did yours-" and as she goes to shoot him, he shoots the window that him and his apparent father were atop of, and rides his dead apparent father like a boogie board to the river below.<br /><br />Cut to him waking up in yet ANOTHER wax bath, this time, at a different locale. He's greeted by Terrance "Bernadette" Stamp, giving him the low-down - "your father wanted you to have a different/better life than that of an assassin, he was always protecting you, [Morgan Freeman] is bad news, he takes out corporate hits for people and claims it comes from the loom of fate"-I KNOW! HOW <strong><em>DARE</em></strong> HE BESMIRCH THE LOOM OF FATE?!?!?-"blah blah blah..." Wesley hatches a plan for revanche.<br /><br />He fills 10,000 rats up with a deadly concoction of peanut butter and gasoline - don't fucking ask me why - puts synchronized bombs on their backs and drives a garbage truck full of them into the textile factory. After the rate bombs explode, he bursts in, guns blazing, shooting everyone in sight - really, the next sequence plays out like a video game... one mounting obstacle after the other, until finally he finds himself in Morgan Freemans' library, surrounded by the core group of the Fraternity, all aiming guns at him.<br /><br />He then spills the beans that Morgan Freeman has been lying to them and using them for his own financial game and that, in fact, Morgan Freeman's name came up on the "loom of fate" a long time ago and he has the shred of cloth to prove it or something. Then Morgan Freeman is all like "yeah. So? Fuck you! Get a load of this - ALL of your names have come up on the 'loom of fate'..." and he hands them all the proof. Then he's all "Come with me brothers and sisters, and let's all share the feast! Oh... and kill this Wesley bitch before you do... peace out".<br /><br />Anyballs - everyone thinks his goose is cooked, when all of a sudden Angelina Jolie fires this crazy circular bullet shot that pierces through every single persons skull before throwing Wesley the gun and taking the final blow of the bullet herself. And yes, you can rest assured, she was pouting suggestively until the very, very end.<br /><br />Anyballs... he can't find Morgan Freeman. He ambles home. Finds that his former father's vast fortune that was transferred to him is no more and he's just all 'fuck it'. The last scene implies that he goes back to his accounting job, same old, same old. Then Morgan Freeman appears behind him with a gun all "some things never change". He spins the dude around, realizes it's not Wesley but instead a decoy, Morgan Freeman swears and gets a bullet through his head.<br /><br />Sha-la-la-la.<br /><br />And that's that.<br /><br />Anyballs... it was fun... go see it... if ONLY for the unstoppable sensuality of Angelina Jolie...<br /><br />That's it for me for today. It looks like it's going to rain. Hmmm.<br /><br />--- Aj</div></div></div>andrewjohnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11077779512667715529noreply@blogger.com0