Monday, November 19, 2007

Nobody Puts Aj In The Corner...

Really? REALLY? Is that the best that I could come up with? Really... hmmm...

Heya muggles... long time no see... this is the blog that I've been trying/intending to write since last fucking Thursday but for one reason or another 12, haven't been able to...


Wednesday night saw a small but effective sendoff for none other than everyone's dear friend, Aaron Kyte. Kyte rolls in the hustle and bustle world of regional musical theatre, and shipped his ass off to the Maritimes where he's in yet another production of "Anne of Green Gables" or SOMETHING maritime-y like that...

Good times --- We all sat around and tallied our lists of sexual partners so far in the '07 and each and every one of us (except for this lone engaged dude in the group) turned out to be far over our initial estimations. Highlight of this was when one April Wozniak needed to call her roommate to crunch some numbers she wasn't sure of... apparently, Wozniak has a sexual accountant. We should all be so lucky.

It's funny because in heterosexual scenarios of compiling a list of sexual partners that's surprisingly high, straight men would make their list, embellish it to high Haiti and dispense high fives and back-patting amongst each other, whereas straight women would shed a single tear, cross their legs, shotgun another glass of Baby Duck and repeat to themselves in their head, "WHO'S GOING TO LOVE ME WHEN I'M OLD?!?!?!"

Gay dudes (and their gay male friends trapped in a woman's body) are somewhere in the middle of that. I can't say there's not high fives and back-patting, but I can't say there's this overwhelming sense of accomplishment either... weird...

Anyballs, I think at some point someone said "story of my life" - that's the only way I can reason this coming up - and the whole "let's title the story of our lives as if they were made-for-TV-movies on the Lifetime: Television for Women network!" conversation came up.

Long time followers of this blog might recall a post I made over a year ago when, inspired by seeing advertisements for "Life Is Not A Fairytale: The Fantasia Barrino Story", I casted my own Lifetime biopic, entitled "The Weight of Whimsy: The Andrew Johnston Story", and stocked the film with Lifetime regulars playing key people in my life. I don't recall any of my friends being terribly happy about their casting decisions... they'd all be like "Joaquin Phoenix should play me! Scarlett Johanssen should play me!" and I'm like "Number A.) Yeah, you reeeally overestimate how attractive you are and B.) I don't have Joaquin Phoenix or Scarlett Johanssen money! The reason that I cast you as Gabrielle Carteris is because that's all I can afford!".

Anyway, I think I turned this into a bit at some point (and promptly dropped it because it just wasn't working) whose 'punchline' revolved around naming Jeffrey Dahmer's hypothetical Lifetime biopic "The Heart Wants What It Wants: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story"... and then when I'd get groans for the audience, I'd scold them and say "Hey! You don't know what was going on inside his head... ... or his heart..." and I'd find it entirely entertaining because I'm thoroughly demented but others didn't and obla di obla da...

So yes. We revisited this idea on Wednesday night, and sniffed that Lifetime regular Meredith Baxter-Birney would be cast as Jeffrey Dahmer because bitch is in EVERYTHING Lifetime produces. Then I said I'd photoshop what that would look like - WHICH I TOTALLY DID TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT - and voila... I found a new, more effective way to photoshop people's faces onto things... and I just can't fucking get enough of it, let me tell ya... I honestly can't go half an hour without putting one of my friends' faces on someone else's body... it's disgusting and I might need help... but that's neither here nor there...

Following this biopic conversation, an interesting question was posed to the group: Would you have gone home with Jeffrey Dahmer? Because he wasn't unattractive - many serial killers aren't. Don't quote me, but I recall that Ted Bundy was a pussy magnet-nay-pussy electro-magnet.

Anyway, we all concluded that we totally would have gone home with Jeffrey Dahmer. And we got into specifics, too, as to how it would all play out. I was like, in dead earnestness, "Well, I wouldn't have gone up to him, he would have had to come up to me, because I'm kinda a shy. And like, I wouldn't really be that responsive to him at first because I'm sure I'd have other options to entertain - he'd be like my Plan C for the night. But then if he was like 'hey, are you on Video On Trial? You're really funny.' BAM!" There y'have it. I would have gone home with Jeffrey Dahmer and all that would be left of one Andrew Johnston would be my pickled genitals encased in a jar of preservational acid in the D-Bomb's pantry. It's just that simple.

So that was gruesome, and that was Wednesday.

Thursday I attended the North American premiere of "Dirty Dancing" - the classic movie adapted for the stage, presented by Mirvish Productions, whom I work for. Did I like it? Did I not like it? It really doesn't matter what the fuck I think because as long as I am under the employ of David Mirvish, every bead of sweat that comes off the man's brow is genius as far as I'm concerned.

Anyballs... I had never seen the movie before - I know, I know... it just never appealed to me. I knew of the iconic scenes, though... the lift, the armpit tickle, the crawling thing, the line "nobody puts baby in the corner", of course I knew of the Bill Medley/Jennifer Warnes classic "I Had The Time Of My Life"... but what I DIDN'T know was that the catalyst for this entire movie was this one bitch needing time off to go git' an abo'. And no one else could cover for her. So really, Frances "Baby" Houseman owes her entire self-actualization to Penny's aborted fetus. Butterfly effect? YOU decide!

The after-party was another deal all together. Holy fuck. Held at Circa, it was the open-est bar in the history of open bars. Holy fuck. I'm really looking forward to the day that I can go to an open bar and merely wet my whistle as opposed to drowning my horn, as it were... because y'all, I'm still rockin' the restraint of my 18-year-old self at these things. Wow. Anyway, it was fun. From what I remember. Unfortunately, I really can't remember much beyond talking to this woman from The Russian/Jewish Times (picture Golde from "Fiddler on the Roof"... yeah) and it is just beyond me how I got home that night. Whoosh.

Friday was a black hole of a day. You know when you get so obscenely hammered and should have puked but didn't so instead it feels like you've been on raft in the middle of an angry sea for decades? That was me. I don't know how I did it, but I went into work, ailing like I can't remember. And then slept soundly from 5 PM that day to 11 AM the next.

Saturday was quite uneventful as well - we went to some party at my friends' new bf's place. Then left it. Then made last call at Buddies. It was quite a motley crew there, unsurprisingly.

Last night was a first for me. In a few respects.

I was at Yuk's last night to play for some dude's PENSION party. Yes. His name was Bob, he had turned 65 and was receiving his pension. And I was on the bill to entertain him. Ha-Cha-Cha. So the entire set that I wanted to do was thrown clear out da winda, and I had to improvise.

Thank GOD I checked DListed that day and remembered one of the Birthday sluts who had also turned 65 that very day. I have a bit where I ask if it's anyone's birthday, then tell them who they share a birthday with and say I was it on Entertainment Tonight Canada and then do a bit on that - whatever... the important thing is that I had ONE morsel of common interest dialogue with this pension celebration. I was like "Bob, do you know who you share the EXACT same birthday with? None other than star of "Dynasty", Linda Evans. She too, turns 65 years young today."

And this got a fucking applause break. For real - it was BIG NEWS for these people. And I was like "I think I can safely say that this was the one and only time that dropping Linda Evans' name will have ever resulted in applause at Yuk Yuk's..." Anyway. It was hilarious to me.

But what's gonna be hilarious to YOU?!

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Tickets are $7 and available at the door. I'd show up early. Like AT 8. I have a lingering suspicion that seating is going to be an issue tomorrow. Hmmm...

Anyway - see you tomorrow night! Yay!

--- Aj

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