Friday, February 15, 2008

Big Whoop! Who Gives A Bibble? Gabba-Gabba Hey!

Heyyyy muffins,

So, a few things:

A.) It seems that those American Idol Top 24 spoilers were 800% true. Someone's gettin' fired up in there. As a result it was actually welcomingly anticlimactic. That British-esque kid cried up a storm. Bahhh well. Bitch couldn't sing with a band - DEAL WITH IT. Neither did that kid with the tie and glasses who wanted to become governor of Oklahoma and just had "this seasons' Sanjaya" written all over him - and thank God he didn't. Good move on the producer's part.

I still feel pretty much the same as I did about each of them when I ran them down last blog, particularly about how strongly I feel about never letting 'rocker' Robbie Carrico live down his involvement with Boyz-N-Girls United. A few things have changed, however: I don't think that plus-sized model Joanne Borgella is that fierce anymore... she can't sing so good... That li'l elfin homo Danny Noriega has potential to grow on me, what with how blantantly faggy and pixie-like he is... That Colton Berry kid (pictured) is as bland as a digestive cookie but I'd hit him in a nanosecond... And it's very clear that some people hold VERY strong favour with the producers... among them, Amanda, Michael, Brooke, David and particularly, Carly... whoazers... they were pimping her out nuttily... which, because she's my favourite, I'm totally fine with...

As awesome as I think she is, I have some issue with her face. I was speaking with Yerxa last night about how there's something that's just not right about her... and SHAZAM we hit the nail on the head - her eyebrows!!!

She's got Divine Eye-brows!!!


Also happening yesterday? Last Comic Standing auditions. I didn't go - I resolved not to unless I could get an audition, which didn't happen. And boy 'o boy am I glad I didn't go to the open call - from what I've heard through the grapevine/from little birds/back-fence whispers, if you didn't have an audition time, it was a complete waste of time.

Evidently people waited upwards to and including 6 hours to be herded into a room with 5 other comics, where you were then told to do a joke and they would then yay or nay you onto a stone-faced producer who would decide whether or not you came back and auditioned for the "celebrity" judges - Kid In The Hall Dave Foley (yawn... Bruce McCulloch however, well, that woulda been another story) and, um, 'character actor' Richard Kind.

Apparently some of the open callers were told to "go get a wacky costume then come back". Which is just SOOOOOOOO nuts. That actually blows my mind.

Anyballs - apparently 4 people made it to Hollywoodland. The Williamson Playboys (Paul Bates & Doug Morency... two old-school Second City dudes), Brian Lazanik (brilliant, brilliant absurdist one-liner dude who was told he was moving on to LA last year, but at the last minute his ticket was rebuffed for no apparent reason), Sean Cullen (Amazing. Fucking genius. I personally thought he'd be beyond something like this, but whatever) and Winston Spear (Another genius, genius guy). Canada is very well represented this year, so that's good.

I'm just happy that none of the Americans who came up thinking that Toronto would be an easy venue didn't get through. I was at Spirits the night before and two American dudes who were auditioning for Last Comic were on first and second, respectively. The first was this black dude who ran up and implored that the audience "MAKE SOME NOISE! MAKE SOME NOISE!"... I don't know if you've ever been up first at Spirits, but the chances of you getting the audience to "make some noise" are slim to nil.

He followed this up with some impressions. Yep. None of which were particularly effective. He got a guffaw out of me for his Bobby & Whitney impression, but only because I represent whenever Whitney is made mention of. It consisted of him putting a ratty wig on the microphone stand (Whitney) and talking shit to it (Bobby). He then used that wig throughout the duration of his incredibly forced and loud set.

The next American comic 'preppin' at Spirits for the big audtion' opened with "where my fellow Greek people at?" They weren't. Not a one. Despite this fact, he continued on with 5 minutes worth of very Greek-specific material before closing on a punny bit involving a bunch of Iraq-war buzz words... I can't remember what he said but it would be like talking about eggs and saying shit like "EGGceptional news for Egg l'oeufers... And I'm not yoke-ing"... shit like that... anyway... not great...

I did walk by Yuk Yuk's - where auditions were taking place at around quarter to six, and ran into a comic who's name completely escapes me who was really upset because he was too late to get in or something and was like "it's too late dude. We didn't make it". I informed him that I wasn't auditioning, but rather on m'way to get m'bidness waxed, as my waxing place was right next door.

So I did. Bidness. Waxed. The chick who waxed me was a lovely Indian woman named Maria. Apparently back in India, she was a dentist. Isn't that terrible? Like utterly terrible? Because of our fucking policy on immigrants and education, and trained dentist is instead waxing my effin' bidness. Ohhhh well, O Bla Di O Bla Da.

Anyway - apparently my skin isn't being cooperative right now and I'm red as all hell. And, because I'm a genius with all sorts of luck, AM WEARING A V-NECK SHIRT. And there's more - I'm off to shoot something called "The Dirt" on MTV Canada. Fuck. Anyway. I'm gonna go buy some cover-up and hope I can pass this redness and irritation off as "sun-kissed and freckled". We'll see...

In other news:



That's right --- nearly two-weeks away!

This one is gonna be good, y'all. Look at that motherfucking lineup.

Jan & Stefanie are doing improv AS their characters from Mean Girls. Jan was the girl who eats her feelings and Stefanie was the one who had to use super-jumbo tampons because she had a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina. AMAZING.

Anyway - have a happy Family Day weekend for those of you in Toronto.

Catch ya on the flipside, yo.

--- Aj