Wednesday, April 30, 2008



Let's just get right down to it...

It's official: Paula Abdul has more Vicodin in her body than water, blood and poop combined.

What the balls was that all about last night??? Has American Idol become such a grand phenomenon that its cast members are now exempt from staying within the spacetime continuum? Because that's basically the only way that Paula's people could explain what happened last night that doesn't make her sound like KRAZY.

If you don't know what happened, do catch up:

Apparently they wanted to save time by having the judges judge all the performances at once after they all concluded - kinda like at a commencement ceremony when the stuffy, curmudgeonly principal asks you to reserve your applause until all the names have been read out (but no one ever does because fuck that).

So as t'were, each contestant came out, sang their first song, then Seacrest delivered the number sans the judges weighing in. Then at the halfway point, in what looked to be an honestly impromptu move on the producers part, they scurried the Idols back on stage and had 'half-time reactions' from the judges so far... Randy offered up standard "Just okay... the bomb!" fare, and then when it came time for Paula... well... hmmm...


My take on the matter is this: it's fairly common knowledge that the judges watch the Idols in rehearsal and plot out their critiques - they're not so off-the-cuff as we're lead to believe - and Paula's brain simply could wrap its head around the sudden change of plans and a combination of all those things resulted in a good-old-fashioned, juicy Abdul-brand brain fart. *pats hands together*

Although I'm sure people will be OBSESSED with speculating what sort of crooked, drug-fueled truth is behind it... was Paula drunk... are the judges reading scripted comments by the producers that are formulated before they perform... personally, I'm just happy that something eclipsed all that Miley Cyrus topless bullshit as quickly as it has.

Anyballs... moving on:

Neil Diamond Night! GO!!!

As much as I'd offer up a moustache ride to him any old day of the week, Jason Castro is fading - and at a very crucial point in the competition... kinda like how, when baking a cake, there's a crucial rising point, and if you interrupt it, y'alls cake is busted. How the fuck do I know that? I've never baked a cake in m'life. Eaten a cake - HELLS YES. Baked one -nope. I digress... His first song, "Forever In Blue Jeans", started too low and really went nowhere. This would have been just fine about 10 weeks ago - he totally could have coasted by on his goofy charm - but methinks people are getting over that. Fast. He didn't fare much better on his second number, "September Morn"... I actually can't remember a thing about it other than the fact that he said he almost choked on something before he sang it... big fat whatevs... for the first time in this competition, I didn't find that I anticipated what he had coming... hmmm...

David Cook's pretty much the only one up to tonight who doesn't make a complete mess out of himself tonight, but it's not like the roof is exactly jumpin' off the place either. His first song starts out in his problematic lower register a-la his disastrous Idol Gives Back week performance of "Innocence", and kind of evens out in the end but I didn't really notice either way. For whatever reason, I can't really remember David's second song either, but something tells me it was another serviceable effort which directly and explicitly speaks to the type of record he'll make when he wins blah blah blah... he has 0.0 things to worry about tonight...

Brooke White continues to punish us all. He first song, The Monkee's "I'm A Believer", was the type of performance you'd expect to see in front of the Alzheimer's wing of an old folk's home. She was totally someone's grand-daughter who was there to give her new guitar a whirl for nana... Her second song, "I Am, I Said", resulted in me penning a song to counter-offer entitled "You Suck, I Said". Done. GET HER OUT OF HERE!!!

David Archuleta was looking particularly Eddie Munster-esque this evening. Re: his performances... meh. At least he sang recognizable Diamond gems (redundant? yes) - which he delivered with the exact same generic R&B affectations and conviction that he's saving the homeless that he's injected into all of his performances so far. What I can't handle is when Simon commends the contestants for singing a patriotic song, calling them "smart"... see, thing of it is, these contestants - like David last night and Kristy-Lee before him - don't know that they're pandering to the fly-over states... they're just doin' what comes naturally... whatevs...

The producers' finally threw her a bone and let YeYe close out the night... singing two songs that I hadn't a clue what were... she did fine with them - she's hands-down one of the top three vocalists in the competition at this point... but the fact remains that she's so abrasive, she makes Season 3's LaToya London look like a Care Bare by comparison (in terms of accessibility)... I predict trouble with a capital "T" for YeYe...


Bottom 2 should be Brooke and Jason. Bottom 2 probably will be Brooke and YeYe. Bottom 2 definitely will be anyone except for the David's.

Although YeYe did well-ish and was given the pimp spot last night, at her best she's a million times away from being as embraced as Jason is at his worst, so methinks he'll be safe in place of her.

I just can't imagine Brooke escaping Bottom 2 at this point. However, she's been reaping the pity vote like Anna Nicole Smith to J. Howard Marshall's fortune, so I wouldn't place any money what's'ever on her leaving us.

So yeah - bye bye YeYe.

C'est tout.

Tomorrow - to botox or not to botox.

--- Aj

Monday, April 28, 2008

Haute Topics


Kind of an eventful couple of days since last I blogg'd...

To recap:

1.) Carly got the boot on Idol. I know - shock and awe. I was super pissed. I'm currently performing unspeakably horrific acts on a makeshift Brooke White Voodoo Doll I've fashioned out of a corn-cob, a pair of googly eyes and a Brillo pad.

Oh well. The saddest thing is that it is over for Carly. OVER. Like, expect to see her listed as a 'faculty member' alongside Paris Bennett, Gina Glocksen and George Huff at Idol Camp. So sad... so, so sad... not even the most gorgeous of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling could cheer me up right now...

2.) Lest there be an iota of doubt lingering in y'mind, Mariah Carey is crazy. Yet regal. She was on Good Morning America show last week and her sound fucked up somethin' fierce. I guess her track started out of synch with her music or something - all I know is that catastrophe ensued...

Of course the out-and-out highlight of that was Mariah singing "Stop singin' my part now baby" to one of her background singers. I can't EVEN tell you how much I would have paid to be a fly on the wall for the absolute chaos that Mariah reeked after that... for realsies, I'll bet one or more people died.

Then Mimi proceeded to royally sass Diane Sawyer when she reintroduced her for her next single, "Bye Bye"...

OH SNAP! OLDER LADY FIGHT!!! "Are you going to give me some indication as to when we begin?" "Here's your queue... Bye Bye! Bye Bye." Holy shit... Had they been given access to a wrestling ring at the ultra-glamorous Las Vegas Riviera sometime in the late 80's/early 90's, and the management of either Aunt Kitty or Jackie Stallone, they surely would have engaged in a smackdown so brutal it would make this classic bout betwixt G.L.O.W. staples Attache and Tammy Jones look like a walk in the park.

Yes. I'm still thoroughly obsessed with The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. Deal with it.

3.) Miley Cyrus needs to fuck off. In fact, the entire Cyrus machine needs to fuck off. Hot hot hot button issue of sorts: Miley Cyrus posed for an 'arty' Vanity Fair layout shot by renowned photographix Annie Leibovitz that resulted in a 'topless' shot that's causing all sorts of stir.

I wouldn't really call that topless... unless you cum in y'pants over bare shoulders (and if y'do, God love ya), I don't really see what the HUGE FUCKING DEAL that everyone's making about it is, but whatevs. I'm kinda with the majority of people who find that picture of her wearin' the hip-huggers nestled in her father - Billy Ray Cyrus's - crotch a bit more disturbing... but that's just me.

Anyway - an uproar resulted from her mostly tween-slinging, mostly-Middle-American fan base and a desperate apology was released immediately, claiming that Miley was "manipulated" by Leibovitz and Vanity Fair and she was "embarrassed" by this. Vanity Fair begs to differ: apparently Miley's handlers from Disney and parents were on set for the entire she-bang and gave approval to each and every frame.

This is all bullshit. It is all a good old fashioned case of a good old fashioned Prosti-Tot wanting to look and act like the older kids... unfortunately, it's not conducive to her image - the very image that's made her the 900 billion or so dollars that she's worth - so it's time to backpedal at the speed of light. It was a retarded, hypocritical, self-indulgent move on her part and that's all there is to it.

4.) The TTC can mow down on my taint.

For those of you in the glorious berg of Toronto this past weekend, you would have noticed that there was an impromptu strike by the Toronto Transit Commission, or TTC. Which means that the city was virtually paralyzed over the weekend.

I had absolutely no idea that this shit was going to go down, so imagine my surprise Friday night to find nary a streetcar in sight to carry me home from wherever the fuck I was hanging out on Queen West. 25 fucking dollars later, I'm home.

Apparently this strike was over siding with maintenance workers, who were seeing work meant for them contracted out to the original manufacturer of the buses or some shit. By Sunday evening they were forced back to work by legislature or something, but their mouthpiece - Bob "God Complex" Kinnear - insists that they're still decidedly unhappy. What's more, they're not appreciating the hostility from passengers who are unhappy that they're striking (for real... this was an actual statement issued...)

Here's my take on it: YOU DRIVE A FUCKING BUS ALL DAY AND MAKE OFF LIKE VIKINGS (with benefits).

I swear to fuck, you motherfuckers all need a swift kick in the box. Does it not occur to your that teacher's make less than you, face the exact same dangers and work about 9 times harder? Or nurses? Or cab drivers - the cab driver I had on Friday night said he was punched in the back of the head the very previous week... anyway - bottom line... we all have unpleasantness we need to deal with on the job. So either start racially profiling passengers of suck it the fuck up!

Monday morning, I went up to the first TTC attendant I could find - a woman working at Broadview station - and asked her how I could apply to the TTC. Because I'd really love a job that I could just pick and choose to come into.

Anyway... I'm hoping it becomes an essential service because A.) IT IS and B.) It'll finally stick a cork in the constant shitstorm they're serving us indefinitely. That'd be sweet.


--- Aj

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Idol Business...

Why hello there you gorgeous, gorgeous ladies of wrestling...

Yes, I'm still obsessed. OBSESSED. I've been basically watching nothing except for G.L.O.W. matches on the y'tube... most notably, this all-out brawl betwixt G.L.O.W. heavyweights Mountain Fiji and Matilda The Hun...

But when I'm not watching G.L.O.W., you can rest assured that I'm watching Idol, and here's my take on last night...

Andrew Lloyd Webber Night - GO!

General Note: Andrew Lloyd Webber is a tickity tock hot tranny mess in the most ferocious, ferocious degree. See below:

I can't believe Sarah Brightman bounced up and down on that for as long as she did - then again, a girls' gotta do what a girls' gotta do to make it in this business... and if anyone knows that, it's me. So yes, I'd hit it. If I had to. IRREGARDLESS - during an Idol post-mortem with Yerxa, it was remarked how A.) hideously trannylicious Andrew Lloyd Webber's visage is and B.) how lovely his songbook is. It was then discussed that t'is a pity A.L.W. couldn't write his face, because again, it's busted sumpthin' fierce. It was then brought up what exactly is with that extra 'L' in "Lloyd", to which a conclusion was never reached.

I'm happy I could basically provide you with the minutes of our conversation there. Fuck. What am I saying? Alright... pressing on...

Syesha - or as I've taken to calling her, YeYe - did well tonight and it's not at all surprising that she did. Since the on-set of this whole she-bag, she's made no bones about touting herself as an "Actress/Singer" multi-hyphenate, so all logic suggested that this would be a week she'd lend herself to pretty comfortably. I didn't think she was amazing by any means, but she didn't make me wince in agony - a feeling I'd become all too acquainted with very shortly... Anyballs... it's a good thing YeYe got to last this long and showcase this skill set - if, for some ungodly reason, she goes home after that, it'll be about the highest note she could've hoped to go out on all season. And I think she can safely bet on a future in regional musical theatre - Deena in the Willamette Players' production of "Dreamgirls"... Mimi in the Schenectady Operatic Society's production of "Rent"... perhaps even as Shug Avery in the current North American tour of "The Colour Purple" - stopping over right here in Toronto in February, c/o Mirvish Productions (shameful company plug).

I think people are kind of cooling over Jason Castro - I'm totally not, though. Nope. I'm totally still buyin' what he's sellin'. "Memory" was a bit of an odd choice now wasn't it... on top of that, Jason had no idea of the context and when he said "I didn't know it was sung by a cat.", I totally went "awww". I think it's quite commendable that Jason's managed to sift through the competition with as minuscule of an instrument he has in his voice virtually unnoticed by the audience based on his ability to make the material his own... because LOOOORRRRD knows, he ain't no Betty Buckley. At any rate - he did a pleasant enough job warbling through a performance that probably tended to be on the uncomfortable side of things more than the sincere side of things. He's still an effin' babe, though.

Miss Brooke White... Yeah...

If ya missed that, Brooke fucked up. HUGEcore. She started, flubbed the lyrics, then started again. After the dust settled, and Paula had concluded her Nyquill-drenched judgement, Brooke mentioned something very interesting - "That's the first time I've ever done that on this show". Yeah. That's the first time ANYONE'S ever done that on this show. In the history of Idol - people have fudge lyrics (it actually happened twice more this particular episode, with Archuleta and Carly) but NEVER have they called for a restart. Okay okay okay... it's not like Brooke committed murder or anything, but on American Idol and particularly at this stage of the game, that sort of thing is absolutely unacceptable. If Fantasia Barrino - who was illiterate at the time she competed and eventually won - was able to learn her songs PHONETICALLY and not only remember all her lyrics but deliver them to magical result each and every time... yeah, there are no excuses baby, sorry. Anyballs... after that, Brooke desperately and nervously delivered the rest of the song and I squirmed in m'seat uncomfortably. On the plus side: good for Brooke for picking a song that didn't exactly have any vocal powerhouse previously attached to it... although, in Madonna's defense - SHE COULD REMEMBER THE LYRICS, BITCH!

If Phil Collins, Richard Marx and Michael Bolton were engaged in a real-life version of "Three Men & A Baby" in the late 80's, surely that baby would have grown up to be David Archuleta. Arch sufficiently High School Musical-ized "Think of Me" in typically Arch style. It was fine. He totally fucked up the lyrics though... but who cares?! HE'S SO CHERUBIC!!! I have to imagine a lot of people lost money when they bet he'd do "Any Dream Will Do" from Joseph... I know that's what I had him pegged for...

I pity Carly Smithson at this point. Bitch could get up on the stage in a lab coat, mix a bunch of chemicals together, blast out a note-for-note perfect rendition of "The Greatest Love of All" and cure cancer by the last phrase and the most she'd get out of the judges is "not my favourite performance, but good". UMMM, HI - she was fucking AWESOME last night. I was clapping to the beat, that's all I'm sayin'. Thank Christ A.W.L. talked her out of doing that sleeping Phantom bullshit and into "Superstar" - it was awe-inspiring. Poor Carly. Poor, poor Carly. Luckily for her, America seems to be listening with their own ears so I don't think she has too much to worry about...

Closing off was David Cook with "Music of the Night". As all those pseudo-rockers do, David got his start in musical theatre so this is gonna be a piece of cake. Some curious B-Roll footage off the top showing A.L.W. school David in the 'sexuality' of the song "Grasp It / Sense it / My great big skanky British Uncut co-ooooock-I MEAN-The Muuuuuusic of the Niiiiiiiiiiiight..." - anyway... David started too low, again. It was rough, again. He ended on an unnecessary, screechy money note, again - because if he doesn't, it means it's not a David Cook creation. And naturally, the judges ate the shit up like he just cured the cancer that Carly did.

Going -

At this point, the David's are anointed from the supreme being itself. Given her placement in the order of the night and the sheer, inarguable bombast of her performance, methinks Carly separated herself from the rest of the underachieving herd to land in tonight's top 3 as well.

That leaves... Syesha will be in the bottom 3 because she always is, but for the first time in her entire run, she actually gave people a reason to vote for her, so I'd feel more confidant predicting her staying than going. Castro served up more of the same with a side order of discomfort and disorientation which won't bode well for him. Brooke was just a disaster. After watching it back, I don't think her performance was as pity-inducing as it was just plain uncomfortable to watch. That, and I think people are kind of 'over' Brooke at this point... however, I'm not sure if anyone was ever 'under' Syesha in the first place... whatevs - the safe money's on Brooke going, but again, who the balls knows.

That's it.

Oh, and Star Jones is getting divorced. Wasn't getting married and the circus that went along with that what cost you your career and credibility but oh well, at least you could say "I've still got my marriage"? Hmmm... well, sucks to be you, Star Jones.

That's it. Officially.

- Aj Christ Superstar

Monday, April 21, 2008

Bitches Loved, Bitches Hated/That "Abortion Art" Blog

Happy day after 4/20...

4/20, of course, is widely regarded as a universal holiday to celebrate cannabis culture. For that reason, I expected yesterday, upon logging onto Google, to see the Google sign adorned with pot leaves etc, but no dice.

Okay... right into it...



Who: That's right, I'm not about to even fucking pick just one... alright, for this, I'd like to whisk you back to a truly magical time in Western civilization - the very late 80's/very early 90's, when neon colours ruled and everything was "just a cinch". The brainchild of certified 'rumpologist' Jackie Stallone - indubitably the classiest woman ever to live - the G.L.O.W. was a character-oriented all-female wrestling league wildly popular on Pay-Per-View television... at least that's how I remember them... with personalities such as Tina Ferrari, Mount Fiji, Matilda The Hun and Palestina, each G.L.O.W. telecast featured spirited wrestling bouts, interstitial-esque sketches and of course, each characters signature introductory rap - as per gloriously evidenced above.

Yeah. Doesn't that just fucking blow your mind. I can tell you right now, I can remember watching this shit when I was like 8 or 9 years old on my parents satellite dish and thought it was porn... which is probably why I watched it... I think it was something to do with the skimpiness of their outfits and the fact that it was on Pay-Per-View... because only porn was on Pay-Per-View... anyballs... I remember those fucking raps - it was reminiscent-if-not-directly copied from The Chicago Bears' "Super Bowl Shuffle"... and I can distinctly remember, as an 8 or 9-year old boy, thinking it was just really hip and contemporary and it just made crystalline sense... Wow...

Why I Loved Them: Because HOLY FUCK that is amazing. I... I... I... just can't even believe it. I totally didn't appreciate that as a child, and that's heartbreaking.
Update: If it's at all possible, I'm more in love with the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling than before. Update #2: I think that rap borrows heavily from "The Message" by Grandmaster Flash... or was it Funkmaster Flex... whomever...
Update #3: My favourite G.L.O.W. is definitely Matilda The Hun...
Update #4: Methinks The Housewives were the early inspiration for Amy Poehler & Maya Rudolph's characters on Bronx Beat...
Update #5: I'm considering having a G.L.O.W.-themed birthday party this year...
Update #6: I'm DEFINITELY having a G.L.O.W.-themed birthday party this year!!!



Who: (This is the long and short of it) Yale art student who's caused a firestorm of controversy over the past week when it was announced that her senior art project was going to consist of her giving herself a drawn-out, self-inflicted abortion assisted by supposed "herbal abortifacient" or some shit... the presentation of this art project - I guess you could call it large-scale installation performance art, if you were a douchebag that wanted to actually dignify this ludicrous howl for attention as an artform - would take the form of her showing video shot over the 9 month period (no pun intended) that she was pregnant, slowly but surely inducing this miscarriage, and painting blocks suspended from the ceiling with the blood of her miscarriage mixed with Vaseline.

Yale quickly issued a statement denying that she was actually pregnant and she was "just fuckin' with us". Shvarts, however, immediately rebuffed Yales' statement and claimed that she's "totes for realsies". (*Neither quotes are actually from Yale or Shvarts)

Why I Hated Her: Okay... hmmm... this is a ticker... here's my take on it...

In the great pro-life vs. pro-choice debate, I'm decidedly pro-choice... in that I'm for people choosing whate'er the fuck they want to do with their bodies, and once limitations are put on that, it's a slippery slope to having computer chips put in the back of our necks.

In the great free speech vs. censorship debate, I'm ardently free-speech... obviously I am, or else I'd kind of be burned at the stake in the village square by now... however, every once in a while you have yer KKK's or yer Fred Phelps' "God Hates Fags" army that really makes you rethink that shit. Aliza Shvarts is to the pro-choice cause what Fred Phelps is to the free-speech cause...

I see absolutely, positively nothing redeeming about what she's doing. I think it's monstrous and desperate. She's said that "the entire project is an art piece... designed to draw attention to the ambiguity surrounding form and function of a woman’s body".

Allow me to translate: "I'm a hair-brained suburban asshole so severely lacking in any actual identity, that I see it fit to make a name for myself in the most desperate, sensational way I possibly can".

Really... "form and function of a woman's body"? Yeah... that is absolutely not the point... and then what fucking KILLS me is her supporters/art hacks tack on the statement: "Well, at least she's inciting a dialogue".

I swear to FUCK if I hear that one more time I'm going to explode... People who use that phrase are shallow, similar mongoloids who thinks that's what they should say... I, personally, don't care about having a dialogue... I care about a fucking point... and this has none... the point is that she's some desperate, loser art chick who should have become the happiest abortion doctor in the world instead of wastin' my damn time.

Anyway... that's it...

I'm still totally pro-choice, btw. If you'ze pregnant and don't wanna be, by all means, go see ya neighba-hood Vera Drake, baby. Just don't do it for sport and you're still in m'good books.

I think that'll be it for me today...

--- Aj

Thursday, April 17, 2008

He's Got Billy Joel eyes.....


Oh God, even that was exhausting.

Well folks, I'm tuckered. That's all there is to it. Bitch Salad was a rousing, rousing, ROUSING success on Tuesday night and I'd like to thank all of you who came out to it. Ho - Ly - Fuck... it was an amazing show. And it drained my battery in one sucker punch, let me tell ya...

Where do I even begin to begin? I suppose, at the beginning.

So it was a particulaly warm night on Tuesday, which some people thought would work against us, but it totally didn't. The house was packed to the absolute tits - HOLY FUCK. AND, full of homos, which was just a glorious, glorious sight.

As a result, it was hotter than a southern church up in there. Like, if hymn books had been provided, surely people would have been fanning themselves with them. I'm surprised no one passed out/contracted a nasty case of "The Vapours". Anyballs - one thing was for certain: I was my typical, shiny, rapidly heat-conduction self, so I'm sorry if anyone fell victim tomy persperation.

I kicked things off with a set of completely new material, mostly about "Rojo Caliente". Although - and you might find this hard to believe, what with how needlessly narcististic and exhibitionistic I am - rarely find things that I say funny, one such moment came to me when, immitating Rojo dancing up in da club, I pretended (as Rojo) to see a fellow teenage Jewess pal of mine and said "Stacey! Mazel Tov!" Anyway... methinks that'll be an inside thing amongst m'inner circle for some time coming...

Up first was the simply divine Kristeen Von Hagen, who entered to Cheryl Lynn's "Got To Be Real"... a musical choice I felt very strongly about...

She absolutely killed it - no easy feat being first at the Salad. My favourite bit of Von Hagen's is easily the one she does about the three varieties of her boyfriend's friends... "There are the ones you hate. The ones who hate you. And the one's you want to sleep with." So true, so true.

Up next was supposed to be Richard Ryder, but sadly, he had to drop out at the last minute due to some family drama - enter his surly, black female equivalent and favourite at the Salad: Dana Alexander... who had to enter to the music reserved for Richard, "He's So Shy" by The Pointer Sisters...

Dana can probably lay claim to having the set on The Salad when, on the second installment, she absolutely destroyed. Like beat it to death. Sidebar: it's absolutely mystifying why, in comedy, the terminology used to describe how well or how poorly you did is all in deathspeak... I couldn't tell ya why, but it just is. "I killed it"... "I died up there"... weird. Whatevs -

Up next was a recurring feature we introduced in the fourth installment - a news feature delivered via puns c/o our resident News Corres-PUN-dant and my dear, brilliant friend, Heidi Brander...

I didn't get a picture with her then and there and that DESTROYS me as she had a very special addition to her segment: a makeshift newsdesk that slipped over her and was held in place by suspender-esque apparati. It was beyond brilliant... in case you missed it/need to revisit the exquisiteness of her pun craftwomanship, here they are again...

Former Dancing with the Stars contestant Laila Ali has announced she is pregnant. Laila said that if it's a boy, she'd like to name him after a "great African-American leader" like Senator Barack Obama. The department of child services was immediately dispatched over her threats to name her child Barack Ali.

Mariah Carey has bumped up the release of her new album from April 29th to April 15th. It's rumored that Mariah changed the release date to avoid a head-to-head chart battle with her rival, Madonna. The move did not come as a surprise to anyone, as Mariah has always been a bit of a pre-Madonna.

A research company has developed a technology that will make blood banks more efficient by converting blood types like type A, type B, and type AB, into the universal blood tape. What the…? Universal blood tape? Oh—sorry. That was a type O.

Police in Washington arrested a woman this week after she attempted to board a flight with marijuana packed between her cleavage and inside her bra. One officer commented that it was the biggest drug bust he's ever seen.

Earlier this year, supermodel Naomi Campbell was hospitalized in Sao Paulo, Brazil for a severe stomach ailment. To raise awareness of the importance of getting immunized before travelling, Naomi is opening up about her ordeal in a new memoir, entitled "Diarrhea of a Mad Black Woman".

Following that was mayhaps the most anticipated guest in the history of The Salad. For realsies, we'd never had anyone like her and I had no idea what to expect... Talking about the Celine Dion-tastic Laura Landauer...

Oh. My. God. I was not expecting that. When she told me that she had a whole production number, I guess I grossly underestimated how serious she was about that. There was a fog machine involved. There was also a fan involved. On top of that, there was a makeshift mast of a suggested ocean liner. All I'll say is that after seeing Laura, I see no need to ever see Celine Dion live, because I doubt Celine even holds a candle to her. It was amazing.

Originally scheduled to perform, Kathleen Phillips gave me a video that I was going to show instead, but, like an asshole, forgot it at home. So in lieu of that, another 'special guest' of the night... a feisty little gal by the name of Sarah Grange!

Love this gal. LOVE her. I remember the first time I met her was at an open mic... I was doing my bit about my one-eyed ex, who just so happened to go to the same Musical Theatre school that she attended. After my set, she immediately asked me if it was about him. That was the day that I realized, one-eyed guys who go to school for musical theatre aren't as abundant and anonymous as I thought. Whatevs.

Following the Grange, was yet another recurring feature on the Salad - a brisk character piece by limey comedienne, Kirsten Gallagher. What with the impending 10th anniversary of The Vagina Monologues and V-Day, it seemed called for that she make an appearance as Eve Ensler...

In the past, I've barely been able to hold it together when she comes on. I was the hottest, giggling tranny mess YET with this one. Holy shit... it was amazing. Even more amazing than her Jodie Foster from the first one, if y'can believe that.

Closing the night out was the formidable powerhouse, Nikki Payne...

You just simply haven't lived if you haven't seen her. She's just an absolute master class about what comedy is about... she's got a wealth of new material about how she gave her father a kidney that absolutely had everyone crapping their pants in laughter - and without Activia yogurt, if you can believe it.

Anyway... it was amazing night. Thank you SO much to all who came out.

I don't know why I see it fit to give a really self-serving, excessively positive review of a Bitch Salad each time it happens, but I guess I just do.

Back to business as usual tomorrow...

--- Aj

PS - Idol. Kristy Lee Cook finally went. Knock me over with a feather. Wow. General Note: Mariah Carey is not of this earth. Mariah Carey exists in a fairy princess kingdom called Phantasmagoria and lives in 2800-room (and 3100 bath) cupcake palace in the dead centre of a soft, rolling meadow. And I love her. She was making such, such, SUCH a consorted effort to 'keep it real' with the contestants, but you just knew that she'd have herself dipped in sanitizer after touching them and murdered whomever glanced at her from her bad side. Anyway, yeah. She's a real trip, y'all.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

EXCLUSIVE: Marily Monro's Sex Tape Leaked!!!

That's right...

A vidjo of Hollywood's golden girl, Marilyn Monroe, giving some dude a BJ - allegedly one of the Kennedy's - has surfaced and it is my pleasure, honour and glory to present it to you...




... HERE!

Oh snap... I can't believe I just actually Rick Roll'd you... I've truly stooped to a new low...

But such lows are necessary to stoop to in order to STEEP to a new high - which comes in the form of:



That's fucking right.



Also featuring EVE ENSLER, News Corres-PUN-dant HEIDI BRANDER and special guest SARAH GRANGE -

BUDDIES IN BAD TIMES!!! (12 Alexander St., betwixt College & Wellesley on Yonge)
DOORS @ 8!!! SHOW @ 8:30!!!

I am presently so fucking tired and have some SERIOUS bags under my eyes. Like, we're talkin' Billy Joel-stylez.



--- Aj

Monday, April 14, 2008

Bitches Loved, Bitches Hated

Why hello,

If it isn't Monday. Already. Wow.

Anyballs - another Monday, another side-splittingly hilarious offering from Kristen Wiig to gush about from this past weekend's Saturday Night Live... this time, she portrays out-and-proud 50-year-old Jamie Lee Curtis in her recent stint as spokeswoman for Activia Yogurt a-k-a the Yogurt that helps ya crap. Absolute hilarity ensues:

My God I never get tired of watching that. I've seen it like 80 million times. I've been prefacing everything all day with "It's fine, it's fine, as a 19 or 20 year old, I would have been embarrassed... but now I'm not afraid to say I pooped m'pants, I'm growing older, I'm proud of it - LET'S ROLL!" LOVE it. Obsessed.

That said, I've never had Activia yogurt and can't see myself having it any time soon. I shant be rising to the Activia challenge, whatever that is. I assume it just involves crapping a lot. Gross.

Pressing on:



Who: Indian teenager who, at just under 2 feet tall, stands as the world's smallest human being!!!!! She suffers from a form of dwarfism called achondroplasia, but she'd hardly call it suffering. She fancies herself the fiercest tranny mess this side of Delhi: "I am proud of being small. I love all the attention I get. I'm not scared of being small and I don't regret it." She attends normal high school but sits at a special tiny person desk, writes with tiny person instruments, eats with tiny person utensils and so on and so on and so on. Apparently she's a mini celebrity (pun dutifully intended) in her home town and is poised to be releasing an album later this year... well, fuck... if Meagan Taylor can do it, anyone can...
Why I Love Her: Because she is a tickity-tock teency tiny tranny who is not apologizing for it. And I eagerly, EAGERLY anticipate the release of her album.



Who: Former beauty queen Tracy-turned-Thomas decided a few moons ago that sh/he wanted to live the dream and become a dude. BUT, call it a hunch, decided to keep hir reproductive organs just in case. As it turns out, Thomas' wife Nancy (whom I believe was not a tranny... like she's not Ned/Nancy... just Nancy) had a hysterectomy and couldn't produce children so la-di-da, Thomas bulked up on hormones and now the happy couple are expecting a bouncing baby girl in a matter of months.
Why I Hate Him/er: Rarely am I critic of people who play God, but this is a little OTT for me. Would it not strike you that with all the hormones swimming around in your body, there's a good chance that your baby will be born with throbbing Madonna arms and a radioactive glow to it? Yeah... beyond that, I've heard a movie is in the works. Let me give that one big "Ooooohhhh brother!". So help me Christ, if sh/he releases an album too, I'm done. DONE.

In other news:



Holy shit I'm going to pass out.


--- Aj

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Something for you...

Why hello...

How's your Saturday afternoon going? Splendidly? I'd believe it.

I thought I'd interrupt my usual Saturday afternoon rigmarole of creeping people on facebook and catching up on all the episodes of "The View" that I taped throughout the week but didn't have time to watch, and make a little post.

Remember how I used to have this feature that accompanied Bitch I Love & Hate of the week called Song of the Week? Yeah... that features kind of fallen by the wayside. Well I'm hustling 'er back in today...

For every Bitch Salad - whose next installment, in case you didn't know, HAPPENS THIS COMING TUESDAY!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ---


- I make a continuous mix of the most populist, mainstream radio hits remixed that plays starting when the doors open and ends SHARPLY when the show starts. I always spend waaaay too much time on it, thinking that people actually give a fuck about it but seeing as I have so few joys in life, everyone will juts have to accept it.

Anyballs - for the handful of people who actually appreciate and enjoy it, I've decided I might as well share it... it's great if you're a cardio buff...

Here's the track listing:

Britney Spears – Break The Ice (Kaskade Mix)
Ashlee Simpson – Outta My Head (Dave Aude Mix)
Donna Summer – I'm A Fire (Solitaire Mix)
Kat Deluna feat. Busta Rhymes – Run The Show (Johnny Vicious Mix)
The Karen Young Reheat – Hot Shot (MaxRoxx Mix)
Miley Cyrus – See You Again (Johnny Coppola Mix)
Robyn – Who's That Girl (Seamus Haji Mix)
Kelly Rowland feat. Travis McCoy – Daylight (Joey Negro Mix)
Madonna featuring Justin Timberlake - 4 Minutes (Bob Sinclair Mix)
Mariah Carey – Touch My Body (Seamus Haji Mix)
Rihanna – Breakin' Dishes (Soul Seekerz Mix)
Michael Jackson with Akon – Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' (Johnny Vicious Mix)
Natasha Bedingfield – Pocketful of Sunshine (Stonebridge Mix)
Paula Abdul – Dance Like There's No Tomorrow (Paul Oakenfold Mix)
Britney Spears – Break The Ice (Soul Seekerz Mix)

Download/Listen to it HERE!!!

Naturally, I think it's the absolutely most devastatingly awesome shit ever. So yeah...

I'm out. I'm desperately trying to find "Rojo Caliente" online as a downloadable track, but so far, no luck. If anyone knows where I can download the shiz, PLEASE let me know.

Love & Light,

--- Aj

PS - Yes yes yes, huge rocker shocker on Idol as Michael Johns went home. It makes perfect sense, actually. It was due to three things... A.) He's never been particularly memorable, occupied any specific niches (like his remaining three male counterparts) nor connected with fans... B.) He was fresh on the heels of, for all intents and purposes (sidebar: did you know that until VERY recently, I thought that expression was "for all intensive purposes"... yeah... mortifying...) his defining performance last week, a performance that lead many to believe that he'd be safe... and, above all else, C.) That fucking falsetto part. I just knew it. Anyway... yeah.

Out for realzies now,

--- Aj

Thursday, April 10, 2008

My best friend Leslie says, "Oh, he's just bein' Aj"

Of course that's bullshit.

Bullshit because A.) My best friend's name is most definitely not Leslie... Leslie's the name of a pet snake or something, not one of my best friends... pshaw! and B.) it's a deviation on a lyric from super-tween Miley Cyrus' hit song, "See You Again"... a song that I had never heard until last night on the insufferably long Idol Gives Back.

Don't know if y'caught it last night, but ooh-wee I don't think I've ever found something so pain-stakingly outstretched... like, comparatively, it made this past year's Oscar telecast look like an installment of Schoolhouse Rock (specifically, Conjunction Junction...)

Anywhoozles, here are some high- and low-lights of the event...

- The So You Think You Can Dance-ers were kind of amazing. I've always been curious as to why those shows don't cross promote each other, seeing as they're both Nigel Lythgoe creations... It was just loverly to see them, particularly the delicious Season 1 winner Nick Lazzarini in all his twirling glory. I think it's a rather moot point to say that Nick Lazzarini has a "one free moustache ride from me" coupon any time he so desires to redeem it. Anyballs - they should really employ the SYTYCD alumnus more often on Idol... Imagine, a week where the theme is Jock Jams... 2 Unlimited's "Get Ready For This", CeCe Peniston's "Finally", Real 2 Reel's "I Like To Move It" (presumably sung by David Archuleta), and they're backed by the So You Think You Can Dance-ers!!! YES!!!

- There was an exorbitant amount of Nascar and WWE/F personalities on during the show... A classy touch to an already classy 180 minute program... I can tell ya right now, it sure as fuck didn't make this guy wanna give... *points to self*

- Maria Shriver has yet to grow into her chin. I'll bet her mother was telling her since the age of 4 years old or some shit, "don't worry honey, someday your body will catch up with your chin"... yeah... maybe when she's 90 or something... whatever... and WTF was up with her entering to that lush, symphonic version of "Maria" from West Side Story?

- Ben Stiller isn't funny. If you continue to patronize his creative endeavours, you're no better than Hitler in my eyes. (I like how in this blog, I've committed to putting celebrity names in boldface... consequently, I apparently view Hitler as a celebrity... whatevs)

- Jennifer Connolly starred in a poignant PSA about how people in Africa don't have clean drinking water, driving home a "this is what it would look like in our version" theme. It was well done. I'll be the first to admit I had no idea it was Jennifer Connolly, though. For some reason, I was like "what the fuck? Is that Meredith Brooks of the song "Bitch" fame?"... Well, I didn't say "... of the song "Bitch" fame?"... I don't actually feel the need to pronounce a point of reference when I name drop in my inner dialogue, but, you get the point...

- If there wasn't reason enough that Teri Hatcher must die before, SURELY the scales were tipped to the point of toppling last night. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! In case you missed it...

INT. - A dressing room at the Kodak theatre.

Carrie Underwood and James Denton are seated underneath a sink, debating what to do about a clogged drain pipe.

Enter Teri Hatcher

Teri: What's going on?! Oh? You're trying to steal my man? Well then, I'm going to steal your song...

Teri Hatcher re-emerges on the stage of the Kodak and helps out African AIDS orphans immensely by beating Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" to death Brandon Teena stylez. It was the biggest "WHAT THE FUCK?!" moment I've ever had. Sidebar: Segments recorded by the Presidential candidates were cut in favour of this. Yeah.

- Apparently these fellows called The Jonas Brothers are really big with the kids right now.

- Billy Crystal looks 70 years old all of a sudden. That little back and forth that him and Miley Cyrus had about neither of them knowing who the other one was, was A.) awkward and B.) probably true. Am I to believe that "City Slickers" isn't a favourite at slumber parties circa now?

- I am convinced that Fergie will do anything. ANYTHING. She will appear at anything, sing anything, do anything. For some reason it was necessary to have John Legend on the piany. Whatever. Fergie, bedecked in pleather toe to head, introduces Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart fame. Oooh-wee Ann Wilson has seen some better days. I might not be so inclined to leave my house if I looked like Ann Wilson, but then I'm reminded how ass-rockingly awesome she once was, and it easily makes up for it. I'm not so sure how inspirational Baracuda was, though...

- Would it make me sound like the worst person alive if I told you that I called in to donate ONLY on the condition that Amanda Overmyer answered my call? And when she didn't, I hung up. Would it? Yeah, it totally would. Don't worry. I didn't. But I thought about it... long and hard...

- Who knew David Beckham could speak? Has anyone actually ever heard him speak? Ever?

- Annie Lennox is not happy. It's as if this Little Bird is Walking On Broken Glass. One thing's for sure: she has No More I Love You's for the AIDS crisis in Africa. And if you wonder Why she won't be having Sweet Dreams, then Here Comes The Rain Again. Okay, enough. Sorry. But seriously, she is downright torn up about AIDS orphans in Africa - the most emotional portion of the night, which, I guess, resulted in the most emotional performance of the night. Her voice is like butter - scratch that, butter that is also able to jerk me off. I can't express how much I love Annie Lennox's voice...

- Thankfully, Celine Dion did not perform with any CGI zombie superstars of yesteryear this time around.

- Not to be outdone, Carrie Underwood worked it out... doing a George Michael cover... sadly, not "Monkey" nor "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", but rather "Praying For Time"... oh well... next year...

- Thank m'lucky stars, somehow, someway Sarah Silverman was allowed on here and gave me the one external laugh I had all night when she introduced Forrest Whitaker and his wife... "The amazing Forrest Whitaker and his wife, Leshondra. She might be amazing, too, I don't know... I've never met her... she could be a nightmare."

- How fabulously magnanimous of British Prime Minister Gordon Brown to donate $200,000,000 worth of mosquito netting to combat the malaria epidemic sweeping Africa. At 10 dollars a pop, that's 20 million mosquito nets. Bravo, I say! You know who else might want to donate something to this cause? MOSTQUITO NET COMPANIES. Yeah. I think they might definitely be able to help.

- The out-and-out "WTF?" moment of the night came when the Top 8 sang "Seasons Of Love" from Rent. Ho - ly - fuck. I'd always kind of hoped that they did this song on Idol as I thought it was just begggging to be a group number, but the resulting result was less than magical. I'll still cast it, though... David Archuleta would be Mark, David Cook would be Roger, Kristy Lee would be Mimi, Michael Johns would be Collins, Jason Castro would be Angel (although Danny Noriega would have been beyond perfect), Carly would be Maureen, Syesha would be Joanne and Brooke would be... ummm... the Seasons of Love soloist/homeless woman...

- Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Anne Hudgens desperately need to learn the difference betwixt an Angelina-esque pursing of the lips and a full-tilt Olsen twin-esque pouting of the lips. They look like assholes. Literally and figuratively.

- Miley & Billy Ray Cyrus visit a decrepit trailer in rural Kentucky where a real-life version of Cletus and his yokel family from The Simpsons live. Not gonna lie. This was supposed to be heartbreaking, but I found it hilarious. And one of those kids had straight-up meth face. I found Miley Cyrus to be patronizing and condescending... ummm, guess what bitch - had your father not sang "Achy, Breaky Heart" and made a few tuppence, this would be your life.

- Robin Williams's thing lost its charm, and fast.

- Brad Pitt was only there to introduce Daughtry - no doubt, the most worthwhile moment of his life. And for some reason they show a snaffu that happened when his mic came off and the stage manager, Debbie, needed to come out and make the obligatory old lady flirting thing.

- Mariah Carey sucked. Hard. I would have preferred it if Empress Mimi had actually phone it in... like actually sang into her antique rotary phone whilst surrounded by stuffed animals laying atop her fairy-tale-esque canopy bed...

And. That. Was. It.

Y'know, I really did set forth today to do a non-Idol related blog. I really did. Whatever.

5 DAYS AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That's right. It'll be a very special edition, too. Bitch Salad Gives Back.

Fuck that. We're not givin' anything to anybody. Except laughs. AND HOW.

Less rojo, but rojo just the same,

--- Aj

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Idol Wrapup (not so rojo)

Well, it's Wednesday.

Which means c'est temps for an Idol wrapup.

I can promise you one thing and one thing only: last night's Idol was far from rojo caliente. In fact, if burgeoning reggaeton superstar Meagan Taylor was to pen a poignant dance hall hit and follow up to her masterpiece "Rojo Caliente" about last night's Idol, it would no doubt be called "Hiele El Frío". Or no... that sounds too exciting and extreme... It would be called "Luke Calenta". That's the one.

Yeah... it sucked... the theme was inspirational songs... bah... allow me to wretch in my mouth right here and now...

Michael Johns, who clearly thinks that cravat is working for him, takes the stage first with Aerosmith's "Dream On". Many of you will likely know the song as the sample used in Eminem's "Sing For The Moment", I believe. The song - as it was originally recorded in 1973 - sounds NOTHING like Steven Tyler is singing it... you could easily mistake him with Freddie Mercury. I guess he lived very, VERY hard for four years, because by the time their next big releases, "Sweet Emotion" and "Walk This Way", hit - bitch sounded COMPLETELY different. But I happily digress: Michael does a perfectly fine job of it. It's a great song, but I don't think there's anyone living or dead who could ever make that falsetto part sound sincere or necessary. Anyway - his performance is classic "Okay, that was good, but we're totally gonna hear better tonight"... which, of course, we don't... so Michael actually ends up being one of the best of the night...

Syesha needs a swift kick in the box. Was last week not warning enough? STOP TAKING ON DIVAS WHO DWARF YOU. Just because you can do something tolerably, doesn't mean you should. Last week, Syesha established that she's not Whitney. This week, she established that she's not Fantasia. Seriously, the most that Syesha could be, and this is on a good day, is Dawn Robinson from En Vogue. For real - I found it brash and downright insulting that she dared take on Fantasia's victory-lap single "I Believe"... THEN the bitch had the absolute gall to sassily question Randy comparing her to Fanny during her judgement... Mmmkay... I don't know if you remember Fantasia singing this, but I do. I can distinctly remember vaulting up out of m'seat during it, it was so jubilant and moving...

Yeah. Your eyes did not deceive you - rainbows were, in fact, shooting out of her asshole. NUTS! Anyway... if Fantasia and Syesha were Philadelphia cream cheeses, Fanny would be the thick bricks of the shit you buy to make cheesecake and nacho dips out of, and Syesha would be the Ultra Light shit with cracks in it that anorexic girls spread on Melba toast. That's all.

Anytime, anyplace Jason Castro wants a moustache ride from me, it's his. I love this man. His selection of the Israel Kamakawiwoʻole version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" was inspired, truly. I'll tell you squarely what I appreciate about Jason, specifically last night - he doesn't fucking mug for the cameras like an overly self-aware asshole, in fact last night he didn't even look at the camera. I find that so refreshing and honest. Anyway - I thought it was probably one of his best since the stirring "Hallelujah" of 80's week. I'm really, reeeeally rooting for this guy. Any critic who thinks he's mediocre or the hipster's pick is out of their fucking mind...

Kristy Lee Cook, much like boisterous queers marching in a pride parade circa-the mid 90's, is "here, get used to it!" Did that make sense? I tried, I did. Whatever. Kristy Lee continues to bless us with her signature blend of patriot porn with a Martina McBride number about believing in yourself and following in your dreams. Grading it on the Kristy Lee curve, it's A+!!! Gold star!!! First pick at the toys - oh! She calls the Flintstone Phone!!!... however, judging it against the rest of the Idols, it only sucks rhinoceros balls slightly less than she usually does. Meh. She'll be safe... On the plus side, we'll get to see her absolutely decimate a Mariah Carey song next week...

Annnnd the cracks are beginning to show in David Cook. Looks like everything he touches doesn't turn to gold. Singing Our Lady Peace's "Innocent", he spends much more time in his lower register than he should and is completely overwhelmed by the abnormally huge backing singers. Also, David - Financial Guru/Rug Bumper Suze Orman called, and she wants her jacket back... actually... she'd also like her hair back... and face... hmmm... well this is all very startling, isn't it...

Carly, Carly, Carly Smithson. I can only put up with so much until I lose the faith. Make no mistake about it - I am totally one of Carly's angels... but her performance of Queen's "The Show Must Go On" was tentative, abbreviated and angry. Not so inspirational. Her normally soaring and directed vocals seemed forced and aimless and the whole thing was kind of a disaster... not to mention that Paris Bennett easily outdid her with the same song back in Season 5... I was crossing m'fingers to the point of cutting off circulation that she would sing Heather Smalls' "Proud" - fuck, that SOMEONE would sing it... even Kristy Lee... - but no dice. I think Carly should be VERY worried.

One little precocious, cherubic bastard that need not be worried is the perpetually dandy David Archuleta. Singing Robbie Williams' "Angel", he continued serving up exactly what people want from him... I totally agree with Simon in this case... I have no clue as to why this song wasn't a huge hit in North America... or why ANY Robbie Williams song isn't a huge hit, because people, the man's amazing. I fucking love his music. "Rock DJ"... "Millenium"... "Let Me Entertain You"... "Lovelight" - all gold. But didn't Jessica Simpson actually cover this song and have a modicum of success with it during her heyday? Well, whatever the case may be, Archuleta knocked it out of the park and there's really nothing else to say about it.

Closing the show tonight is human-sad puppy hybrid Brooke White singing Carole King's "You Got A Friend". Holy shit, can you be more obvious? Brooke sang that with all the heart-bursting desperation of Sophie in "Sophie's Choice" when having to make the choice... In other news, I finally put my finger on who Brooke sounds like - a considerably less vocally talented Theresa Sokyrka, whom you may remember as the runner-up to Kalan Porter on Canadian Idol, Season 2... No matter... anyway... yeah... Brooke does fine... I was expecting the judge's to gush over it seeing as the bitch was on the brink of tears throughout the song and in the bottom three last week, but to my delight, they were just "meh".


This is a no-brainer. All the guys are safe, and I predict will be safe for a few weeks to come. I think it's pretty safe to say that it's a boys' competition right now - there's not a female left who stands a prayer in hell... unless you count Jason Castro, which, you very well may... the only gal I think gave herself a pass this week is Brooke on account of her going last, not doing terribly and making her first visit to the Bottom 3 last week thereby rallying her fan base.

Bottom 3 will be: Kristy Lee, Carly and Syesha. Kristy Lee will be safe because A.) she fucking always is and B.) she sufficiently pandered to her base, and she's the only one who does pander to that base, which is huge.

That means Carly and Syesha - strangely enough, the competition's strongest voices - will be left battling it out for the night's 7th place finish... it just depends on what's more unforgivable to the American public... Carly falling short of the bar she's set or Syesha's post-interview abrasiveness... I'm hesitant to call it, but I'm absolutely willing that Syesha's sent packing...

We'll see.

Another thing we'll see? IN JUST UNDER A MOTHERFUCKING WEEK!!!!!


Holllllly shit... it'll be better than a thousand Meagan Taylor's, let me tell ya...

Still rojo,

--- Aj

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Rojobsessed, Day 2


It's official...

I am full-tilt obsessed with Rojo Caliente.

Last night I must have spent a solid two hours googling her and watching shit online.

At work - where I do most of m'blogging - I don't have speakers and the flash player is fucked up, so I can't watch anything, which is a damned, damned shame as there are countless episodes of Jem & The Holograms online and begging to be revisited. Point of this is, I couldn't take in all the supporting Rojo media that was available.

But I FINALLY watched that very tongue-in-cheek interview that QTV did with her yesterday --- and believe you me, I clapped like a seal when it showed them doing the "Rojo Caliente" dance-move (it's really nothing as intricate nor iconic as, say, the twist. It's just aimless jostling of one's torso..) in my old stomping grounds - the campus coffee hutch, COMMON GROUND! HEEEY! --- and just fucking love how seriously she takes everything.

She was down in Panama where her father oft goes for business, and "was approached by a local recording studio" who "liked what [she] had to offer" and "cut 9 tracks" for her first album, entitled simply, Meagan.

She also maintains that her secret to avoiding the threats of alcoholism and paparazzi that have befallen other celebrities like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan who are squarely on Meagan's level as well is due to the fact that she doesn't drink. Ever. Like for real guys, ask her friends.

So it looks like the kids at Queen's are taking every opportunity to exploit this bitch's complete unknowingness that she's a more epic tragedy than Hamlet, further evidenced by this little gem... it's a segment done at what appears to be some sort of singing contest entitled "Best Darn Singer" which she was a judge... forward to 3:10 to see Rojo...

Okay... did y'catch that interview? "The question on everyone's mind - when are we going to be able to see you perform".

Because of "strict contractual agreements", she's not allowed to perform in public anywhere. I lost m'lunch at that part. That, of course, is very easily-deciphered code for "I suck shark balls and desperately need an excuse to not have that fact revealed". Holy fuck. WHY WAS THIS GIRL NOT THERE WHEN I WENT TO QUEEN'S?!?!?!

Sidebar pertaining to that clip #1: Back in my day, we had a similar contest entitled "Campus Idol" which I hosted. The winner turned out to be none-other-than Canadian Idol Season 2 finalist, Elena Juatco, and the runner-up, none-other-than front-woman Joan Smith of Little Foot, Long Foot fame. My 'fee' for hosting was an all-I-could-drink bar. When they won, Elena received a DVD Player (an expensive get, back in 2004) and Joan received an MP3 player (another exotic, high-tech gadget at the time), and I was all "WTF?!". It was then brought to my attention that over the four week run of it, I probably downed m'self close to $500 in booze. Those were the days.

Sidebar pertaining to that clip #2: You'll notice that among Rojo's fellow judges, second from the right, is a woman with a grey bob. Her name is Carol Lynn Reifel, she's the head of the vocal performance department in the faculty of music, and she's a colossal bitch.

I took a vocal performance class for 3 years and each year, the final exam took the form of a private recital you needed to perform for the instructors in the vocal performance department. This private recital - or jury, as it was called - went thusly: You needed to have 5 pieces of 4 languages prepared. You were allowed to pick your first - and presumably, strongest - piece, and they would select the other two. So it was the fucking crapshoot to end all crapshoots... It was just fucking Russian roulette because there would ALWAYS be that one obscure French or German piece that you barely if not at all knew and they'd ALWAYS pick that instead of the Italian piece that you sort-of knew.

I don't speak any other language than English (and, rudimentary, Ebonics), so I'd learn all the pieces phonetically by listening to my voice teacher sing them and just copy each phrase. This particular year I had a French piece that was just a disaster. JUST a disaster. I didn't fucking know it at all and lo and behold, what do they choose for my second piece, but yes - this fucking French song.

So I'm up there, like a fucking asshole, just making up words... I didn't even fucking know the melody - in my defence it was kind of abstract and beyond my limited theoretic capabilities... but in my offence, I'M AN ASSHOLE WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING - anyway... I was just standing there, rolling my eyes and saying shit like "Je veux, von qui son... raquette... parapluie... oui... je sans..."

It. Was. A. Disaster. You can imagine how displeased the frosty Professor Reifel was. It makes my seaman curdle just thinking of it.

That was quite a tanget.

Sidebar NOT pertaining to the above clip: Rojo has a website. And WHAT a website! It's got more hip-hop skank-esque glamour shots of her than you could shake a stick at, and believe you me, shakin' a stick at it would likely be your last reaction. One good thing that came out of her bevy of hi-res glamour shots: I finally know who she looks like... Marcia Wallace. Some may know her as the saucy Carol Kester Bondurant from The Bob Newhart Show... some may know her as nosey community watch organizer Mrs. Carruthers from Full House... most people likely know her as the voice of Mrs. Edna Krabappel from The Simpsons...

Like mother and daughter. Holy balls.

In other news:



With JUST-confirmed special guest... fresh on the heels of the 10th anniversary of her smash-hit theatrical phenomenon The Vagina Monologues, EVE ENSLER!

I'll bet she talks about her vagina. Just a guess.

That'll be it for today...

So rojo it hurts,

--- Aj

Monday, April 07, 2008

Bitches Loved, Bitches Hated/That Rojo Caliente Blog

Okay, okay, 0kay...

Too much excitement today.

Entirely too much excitement - how excited and full of zeal am I? Almost if not as much as Sue, the woman who really loves surprise parties:

Holy fuck how fucking hilarious was that? I watched it drunk out ma skull when I got in from Primpin' (*sigh*... I know) Saturday night and lay upon m'couch a'heaving and a'crying for the duration of the sktech - a sight unseen since the great Debbie Downer debacle of '04.

Best line?

Walken: "Should I get balloons?-"

Anyballs - why o why am I so excited today? Because I have two absolutely dyn-o-mite bitches occupying Bitch I Loved and Hated this week...

They're both far more similar than they are different; they both suffer, to my utter glee, from "The Emperor's New Clothes" syndrome... in that they just have noooo clue... noooooo clue whatsofuckingever...



Who: [The long and short of it] Septuagenarian corset-enthusiast who, at 15 inches, holds the Guinness World Record for the smallest waist.
Why I Loved Her: So many reasons... A.) Talk about discipline: She's spent the last nigh-on 50 years squeezing her hot ass into corsets until her rib cage finally retreated and caved in to her outlandish small-waisted demands, B.) She's unbelievably vain and completely unaware of how fucking grotesque she is, a fact handsomely evidenced by the countless galleries on her website (warning: sexiness overdrive therein)... but mainly C.) she's given me oh-so-much ammunition for my photoshopping... no one's safe... particularly, Anthony Suppa... who's face just glides onto Cathie's with the greatest of ease...



Who: Oh Jesus. First-year student at Queen's University (my alma matter... and I can tell ya right now, I've never been more proud to have attended Queen's than presently) who - according to legend - received a million dollars for her bat mitzvah, took the money, recorded a hopelessly terrible Reggaeton single entitled "Rojo Caliente" (loosely translated: 'red hot') and an accompanying music video which was equally hopeless and terrible, which features Reggaeton 'legend' Toby King (who, it seems, must have been working for a handful of plantains and a bar of soap, because I have to imagine bitch was pretty hard up to take part in this shit)... seen below:

Why I Hated Her This Week: Oh wow. Okay. As soon as I found out that she was a student at Queen's, it all became crystalline clear... I can't tell you how many bitches I went to school with looked EXACTLY like her. And they were all art history majors who received hundreds of thousands of dollars for their bat mitzvahs. Only thing is, none of them were fucking retarded enough to spend it on making a fucking music video! HOLY FUCK?! THIS IS NUTS!

Anyway... I'm kind of obsessed with this bitch... sorry Kristy Lee Cook, you've just taken a back seat as far as my obsession with utterly tragic bitches-du jour go...

Further research has relayed that apparently the song is kind of a hit in Panama City - the birthplace of Reggaeton - being played up to and including (but not limited to) 10 times a day on all 6 major radio stations in Panama.

Although there's no official CD released nor have any profits been made (*YET*), her manager/father Doug Taylor says that they've made some money off of endorsements... specifically: Delida's Hot Sauce, a sauce featured prominently throughout the video.

Meagan insists that there's a very simple reason that Delida's beat out larger companies like Tabasco (that was no doubt champing at the bit to be a part of the sensation that is Meagan Taylor) because, and I quote, "I love hot sauce, and Delidas is one of the best I've tasted".

According to an interview with Queen's student-run television program QTV (which is now youtube-broadcasted... back in the bad old days when yours truly was there, it was designated to the Sunday, 10 PM slot on the Kingston public access channel... times, they are a'changin'...) she insists that Rojo Caliente is a feminist anthem against conformity a-la Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" or mayhaps, Patti Smith's "People Have The Power"...
"I wrote the song about my red hair which is what rojo hot....I
never used to like having red hair. I felt different and like I always wanted
brown hair or blonde hair or something. For me it was a celebration of my red
hair and to me that's important. It's a celebration of differences."

Am I missing something? Is this actually a ginger-haired anthem? Because I'm hearing lyrics like "Up in the club in da VIP, that's rojo caliente". Methinks she overestimates the depth of her song-writing prowess. Fuck, methinks that's the least of her gross, gross delusions.

Anyway... I'm fucking obsessed with Meagan Taylor and that's all there is to it. Like, if she was at Queen's when I was, I'd stalk her. She must be just the toast of the town in Kingston right now. The sad part is that the powers that be at Queen's are probably ELATED to no ends with the publicity that this is garnering them - they totally haven't seen the video or know what the fuck is going on, but they're probably like "we have a rap musical star in attendance at Queen's! Jolly good!".

Bah... anyway...

What else is rojo caliente???




--- Aj

Friday, April 04, 2008

Friday Is A Day For Lovers.

D'afternoon to you and yours.

It's a lovely, drizzly afternoon here in the T Dot. Very London-esque, actually.

Sorry for not posting yesterday. Yestermorning, I shot my first (and in all likelihood, only) episode of Stars Gone Wild. It was pretty tough work and I was beyond exhausted. For realsies, I felt like I had just shot a season of Survivor or something...

SIDEBAR: My boss is currently having a meeting right behind me and the following quote just emerged from the conversation: "You're servicing me very well by being anal"... ... ... yes.

Anyballs... what's transpired since last we spoke? Hmmm... well, Ramiele was sent back her family sushi joint Wednesday night on Idol.

I've got to be honest... something terrifying's happening to me... I'm starting to become obsessed with Kristy Lee Cook. It happened last year with Haley Scarnato. And every previous season for the chick who, despite being the portrait of sucktastic, continues to slink along in the competition within an inch of her life... so yeah... I have that deal with...

Also to deal with - and I can't believe it took me all week to remember this - VOTING! For the Bitches YOU Loved and YOU Hated for the merry month of March!!!

First, a refresher course of the bitches I loved in March...

Propecia Watkins*: Domestic Abuse absolver/dawg walker
Danny Noriega: Almost-Idol/Fierce Tranny Mess
Silda Spitzer: Podium candy/Woman who took Tammy Wynette's hit song "Stand By Your Man" entirely too literally...
Carole Pope: Rough trader/Dykon to end all Dykons
Anita Page: Screen Legend/Hottest Nonagenarian Alive

Click HERE to vote for the Bitch YOU Loved In March who'll go on to join Carol Channing, Tina Fey and 9-as yet unnamed others to compete for Bitch Loved in 2008!

*Yeah... I don't actually know her name. So I gave her one that sounded ghetto and sassy. At first I wanted to use the name Sheniqua Tomkins... until it was brought to my attention that it's ACTUALLY someones name... specifically: 50 Cent's estranged wife. So I went with Propecia Watkins instead.

And a refresher course in the bitches I hated in March... and my oh my it's quite a batch this month...

Lauren Cleri: Aspiring Actress/Broke Slut
Lisa Rinna: Under-researched red carpet reporter/Anus face
Sally Kern: Oklahoma State Rep/Homosexual denier
Ashley Alexandra Dupre: Aspiring Singer/Debatably high-class whore
Russell Oliver: Amateur commercial superstar/Gold monger

Shoot. Looks like we might have a 5-way tie this month. Fuck. Go HERE to vote for the bitch YOU hated in March. The winner will go head to head to head with Tom Cruise, Chola CuchiMuncho and 9-as yet unnamed bitches for the Bitch Hated in 2008.

In other news:

Apparently Beyonce and Jigga-man are finally tying the knot today. From everyone here at my blog (so, me), we wish them the absolute best.

In other, other news:



Have a great weekend!

--- Aj

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I Beg Your Parton...

See that? See how I did that?

So what the fuck is up?

I had a gruellingly long night last night doing stand up - first at Dawn 'n Deborah's startlingly early "Dragons of Comedy" then at Deb Pearce's room at Alibi... The majority of which was spent speaking about TV Shows that I'm currently watching.

Of note: Apparently, I only watch shows that have either "America" or "American" in the title, because that's all I cared to talk about... American Gladiators (specifically: HeLLga), America's Next Top Model, and of course, American Idol.

I didn't really have anything 'bits' about American Idol so much as I just basically asked people who their favourite was, and unless it was Carly or Jason Castro, called them a retard.

I ACTUALLY drew jeers when I badmouthed David Archuleta. People love that kid. When I exited, the particularly 'with it' sound dude at Alibi played me offstage to David Archuleta singing "The Long And Winding Road" from Beatles Week, Pt. 2. It was very clever. Anyballs...

Idol Last Night

General note: Dolly Parton is A.) Awesome, B.) Amazing and C.) Adorable.

Brooke White is so middling it makes my head spin. "Jolene" is one of the most awesome songs in the world. About a woman begging another [unfortunately named] woman not to steal her man "just because she can" - pretty melancholic fare. Brooke warbled her way through it grinning like an asshole then put on her infallible puppy-dog-eyes-act during the judges' critique. Someone recently called her the next Jewel. I'd argue she's more akin to Ashlee Simpson insofar as musicality and vocal dearth, but that's just me, I guess.

David Cook, who was apparently rushed to the hospital immediately following his performance suffering from a heart murmur or some shit that I couldn't care less about, did his first non-cover of a cover in weeks with "Little Sparrow". Meh. It's nothing that I found overly memorable. At least he's sticking to his niche, I'll give him that. On the flip side, he's sticking to his niche. Which I find completely boring. I'm sorry - I just don't read endurable charisma from him. I read 'perfectly serviceable performer' and 'dude who occupies this particular concept this particular season' from him, but I can't imagine he'd fare a fifth as well as a Carrie Underwood if he won...

What do the war in Iraq, Priscilla Presley's face and Ramiele Mulabuy all have in common? They're all hopelessly, hopelessly lost causes without a hope of improvement. There's nothing more painful on Idol than seeing someone who's actually getting worse. That's Ramiele, unfortunately. More unfortunately is that apparently she's got legions of fans who vote for her with maniacal conviction and has never - NOT A'ONCE - been in the bottom 3. So who the fuck knows what's what anymore...

Jason Castro. LOVED IT. He sang "Travellin' Thru" - the Oscar nom'd theme song from Oscar-nom'd she-male-fest, "Transamerica". I thought it was gorgeous, and not just because I think the same of Jason (even though I'll be first to admit that I wouldn't have the faintest clue as to what to do with them dreadlocks if they wuz flung all up in m'business... I digress). I thought he did a remarkable job and it was an incredibly honest and hopeful performance. Like, I really got that he understood the plight of the tranny that he was singin' about and communicated that beautifully in the minute and a half that he had.

Carly Smithson continued to work the shit out last night. The "Here You Come Again" that I know is a boppy, goofy, if-wistful song a-la BJ Thomas' "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" but Carly transformed it into a poignant ballad with quite the money note. I'm going to have to heartily agree with Simon however: whomever is styling her needs to be done away with. We get it. You have tats. That's part of who you are. That's wonderful. And I'm sure seemed like a good idea at the time (and by that I mean every second of all 72 accumulative hours that you sat in a chair and had your arm pierced with an inked needle). The problem is that you're a Celine-esque belter, and you should probably make a bit of an effort to correlate an image to that concept. Honestly, that IS what will hurt her in the long run if she doesn't make some changes. Other than that - fuckingawesome.

David Archuleta continues to give the people what he wants. Another thing he's giving? Melinda Doolittle a run for her money in "annoyingly excessive amount of modesty" department. How the fuck sick am I of seeing him get so flustered and overwhelmed whene'er he receives positive comments? Anyballs...

Kristy Lee Cook is, I imagine, still proud to be an American, where at least she knows she's free. She probably should have reminded people of that fact, because performing ultimate homeless-kid-viewing-the-glass-as-half-full anthem, "Coat of Many Colours", was so boring it wasn't even bad. And what the cock was up with her dress of many colours? It certainly was a dress of many colours... namely brown, tan, mud, fudge, taupe and any other lush fecal tone you could imagine because the whole thing was just one pig pile of poo. Poo!

Syesha might have delivered a perfectly bopho performance, if she was actually likable. Instead, it just came off as a very unambitious, familiar and arrogant choice. DO stop choosing Whitney. It's well established by this point that no one can do Whitney - present day-Whitney herself wouldn't stand a chance at doing Whitney. Instead of actually taking a risk, she does the most predictable thing in the world. If she winds up in the bottom 3 - which she probably will - it's her own damned fault.

Michael Johns closed, therefore he'll be here another week.

I suppose that's all I have to say about him. OH! And, nice cravat.


I'm going to call the bottom three being Kristy-Lee, Syesha and either Ramiele or Brooke. Not both. I think the historically proven "black vote" will hop on to Syesha and save her for another week, and if either Brooke or Ramiele's fans haven't been underwhelmed enough thus far to not vote for them, I can't see them letting up now. Sooo... Methinks Kristy-Lee just might finally bite the proverbial dust.

Weeeeee'llllll seeeee...


Oh, and... obligatory plug...


--- Aj