Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Maaajor American Idol Spoilers... [Potentially]

Hey. How are ya? Really. Tremendous!

So... American Idol anyone? If you're like me, and clearly, you either are or aspire to, you've sustained what has seemed like millennia of audition episodes, featuring the requisite slew of intentionally unfunny posers and genuinely retarded people - be it socially or otherwise - and of course the rare smattering of actual talent.

Last night marked the first night of Hollywood week. Where all the 'gold ticket' winners are cruelly hacked down from hundreds to dozens. It's generally my favourite period of Idol, so imagine my disappointment to find out that this week is fucking IT! Just two episodes. Bah Humbug.

So, in spite of that, Imma full blown post the leaked Top 24 for y'all right now.

I got this from a dudes' blog who got it from another dudes' blog, so take it with a grain of salt 'er two. Buuuut if you'll notice, none of these people were cut last night and were all showcased as solid and promising... so we'll seeee...

First off, I'll spoil the boys, because I really couldn't care less about them. The only guy I remotely liked was that gay dude, Leo Marlowe. Mainly because he was i.) openly gay and ii.) not some mugging freak who cried on a moments notice. But noooo... God forbid the Idol producers actually put through three-dimensionalized a gay dude for once... anyballs... What it seems we're left with...


Click on their names to watch their audition...

Chikezie Eze - auditioned last year. Randy wasn't 'feeling him'. Sang a gender-revisionists version of Whitney Houston's "All The Man [Woman] That I Need". Meh. Another rotund black dude with a velvet-y voice. Been there. Done That. Bought The T-Shirt. Cut up said T-Shirt and used it as spunk rag. NEXT!

Colton Berry - Completely unexceptional 16-year old with pleasant voice. He'll be gone before you can say "AJ Tabaldo".

Danny Noriega - (Pictured) Rejected last season, now this season's resident questionably eye-brow'd 16-year-old fag who doesn't know it yet, so ergo, is acceptable to allow on TV. Danny - everyone from the game "The Legend of Zelda: A Link From The Past" called... they want their head back.

David Archuleta - Buttery-voiced, baby-faced crooner who suffered from vocal chord paralysis as a child... blah blah blah boo hoo... the first of many cases of debatably established contestants this season, David won Star Search when he was 12. The debate stands "Is that fair or not?" I don't see that being a problem.

David Cook - This season's resident 'rocker' who knocked the shit out of Bon Jovi''s "Livin' On A Prayer" in his initial audition, and fared nicely with Bryan Adam's "Everything I Do I Do It For You" on last night's episode. A little too cool for school, but probably the strongest guy of the bunch.

David Hernandez - Someone we didn't see until last night, to say that this muchacho belted out "Love The One Your With" with gusto would be the understatment of the year... or rather, la subestimaciĆ³n del aƱo... Aaaand that's about enough appropriating Hispanics for one day.

Garrett Haley - Couldn't find zip on the bitch. Gonna hafta bet there's a reason why.

Jason Castro - Guess this is him, what with his myspace profile pic being him during an American Idol audition. He's got several clips of him playing up on the y'tube. Apparently he used to date Cheyenne Kimball. For that fact alone, I'm not a fan. Add on top his white-man dreads, and yeah, ew.

Jason Yeager - One one side of the coin, you have the 'debatably established' artists coming out this season... Exceptionally talented people who just haven't been able to 'hold onto their break'... then there are just washed up competent people who have put in face time all over the place but fail consistently... Jason seems to be of the latter set... Apparently was a finalist on "Making The Band" years ago, unfortunately not prevailing in getting into O-Town... I'll bet that still haunts him... then a finalist on some show called "Country Tonite"... according to his myspace, he's religious... yeah... I dunno what to tell ya...

Luke Menard - Another dude we've seen neither hyde nor hair of, apparently he's descendant of an acapella outfit entitled "Chapter 6". I can only hope on his official American Idol contestant page, he lists "Rock-A-Pella" from Carmen Sandiego as one of his musical influences.

Michael Lee Johns - Another debatably established contestant - he was once the lead singer of a band called "The Rising", who either were or were about to be signed by Madonna's "Maverick Records" - bitch is Australian and the judges have quite a boner for him. I don't get it myself, but whatever floats y'boat.

Robbie Carrico - Yet another debatably established contestant, Robbie is all rock 'n roll now... but he sure as balls WASN'T!!! Formely one quarter of a early millenial pop group entitled Boyz N Girlz United, (*cough*, yes) they opened for Britney Spears in Europe. And apparently, Britney opened for Robbie in Europe because the two were rumored to have been dating. Maybe she'll show up and support him if he cracks the Top 12. And if she's not dead by then.

So yeah... That's the dudes...

Pretty unremarkable if you ask me. Where the balls is Leo Marlowe??? And that gigantically fat black gay guy who sang "Big, Blonde & Beautiful" from Hairspray last night??? And as annoying and pompous and rough around the edges as he was, that Josiah Leming kid who sang with a British accent? That kid would have been HUGE! Ohhh well. Maybe he makes it and this list is a lie. Whatevs...

One things' for sure... if the Top 12 girls' spoiler list is correct, things could get very interesting... instead of just listing them off in alphabetical order, I'll instead rank them, because that's much more fun...

12.) Amy Davis

What the hell was that supposed to be? Singing? Really? "Vocal Potential"? Where? Yeah. Bitch makes last season's Hayley Scarnato look like Maria mothafuckin' Callas by comparison. Someone lucked out...

11.) Kristy Lee Cook

Pretty, I'll give her that. And doesn't entirely make me vomit with how girl-next-door/cabin she is because she's a cage-fighter, and I found that unexpected. But bitch please. Y'can't sing. You've heard of paint-by-numbers? Well her interpretation of Amazing Grace - which was aparently so stunning she had to bring it back during last night's Hollywood round - was like trill-by-numbers. It was the most textbook 'contemporary' interpretation of that song ever. Methinks she's in waaaay over her head.

10.) Alex Lushington

Maybe she's got range that's mind-blowing and we didn't see it, but other than her super-cool vibe, her Grandma who's been around since the 1800's and a last name that sounds like a pseudonym that a rock star would use to check into a hotel under, everything about Alex is entirely underwhelming.

9.) Alaina Whitaker

Strong voice. Too young. Classic case of a contestant that won't have the slightest clue what songs to pick other than ones she's seen on Idol before. Beyond that, she'll be directly competing with Brooke, who's a better singer and a natrual charisma, and Kristy-Lee, who's prettier and more representative of middle-American values.

8.) Ramielle Malubay

Big voiced little Asian chick. Me likey. She can certainly sing, there's no doubt about that. And Asians have been dramatically under-represented on Idol (William Hung notwithstanding). Again, I wonder about her depth to show people things they haven't seen yet. Very young and already hammering Idol standards to death. We'll see, though...

7.) Kady Malloy

Pretty. Kind of interesting. Theatrical. I'm just not sure where she fits in the grand scheme of things and can see her being forgotten about and slipping through the cracks early on.

6.) Joanne Borgella

LOVE her. Don't love her voice as much as I love her, but love her just the same. Finally, a sista with class. She'll have a lot to compete with in her 'category', with Syesha being younger, hotter and a better voice, and that Asiah and her whole back story of her father dying, but she could score a lucrative Lane Bryant campaign out of this, at least.

5.) Brooke White

This bitch is gonna be dangerous. I, personally, don't find too much exceptional about this chick, but she's connected - routinely winning every poll I see. And they really haven't seen someone of Brooke's style or skillset (a-la ethereal-yet-pop singer-songwriter). Not to mention that she's sacharine sweet. She'll be quite a force to be reckoned with comin' up.

4.) Asiah Epperson

Speaking of dangerous, talk about a back story with legs. If you don't know/didn't watch, what happened was Asiah's father died 2 - yes, TWO - day before she found herself standing in front of Randy, Simon and Paula. She decided to sing LeAnn Rimes' "How Do I Live" in tribute to him. Apparently, Asiah can really fucking sing - she's got a smokey voice that reminds me of Monica, only more robust. Yeah. I think she's a very sure bet for Top 10.

3.) Syesha Mercado

Whooooaaaaash. BITCH CAN SANG, Y'ALL!!! On top of that, SHE FIERCE!!! She's like Vonzell Solomon from Season 4 only bigger voice, more aggressive and insanely personable. I might even liken her to a young Whitney. It'd be a punishable crime if she didn't make the Top 5 at least.

2.) Amanda Overmyer

HELLS yes. I oft like to see when contestants compete on American Idol who are direct throwbacks/downright dopplegangers to other established artists. It's kind of like seeing how these established artists would fare in the Idol game. Amanda IS Melissa Etheridge. Holy fuck. The world has been waiting for this bitch. I can't wait to see how far she goes.






1.) Carly Smithson

Yeah. Umm, she's good. Story about her: Do you at all remember Season 5? When the judges were doing press tours during the auditions and said that the best singer they saw all season - the best one they'd had yet - was this Irish girl who auditioned in Vegas? Then it turns out, she couldn't get her visa approved and couldn't compete? And evvvveryone wondered, "who the balls is this Irish girl"? Well, as it turns out, it's Carly. There's a bit more to this story... a few years ago, there was an artist named Carly Hennessy. She was poised to be the next Britney Spears... her record label, MCA, had reportedly spent 2.2 million dollars developing her. A single and video was released, "I'm Gonna Blow Your Mind". Well, she didn't. Bitch sold 400 albums. She was dropped. This entire debacle became a the topic of an article in the Wall Street Journal (a kind of heartbreaking read, actually). Yeah. This has become an issue. While she's currently mired in controversy, there is absolutely no debating the fact that BITCH. CAN. SANG. Anyballs - she's my favourite and I absolutely, unequivocally agree with the judges that she's one of the best they've ever had.

So that's [potentially] the Top 24.

I'm off. I'm doing Spirits tonight. It's supposed to be a good show.

Happy trails!!!
--- Aj