Monday, January 28, 2008

M-M-M-M-Monday.../Bitches Loved, Hated, & Song of [last] week...

Fair Monday to you friends,

Hope everyone's weekend was smashing. Mine was. In that I was smashed. For pretty much every second of it. Which explains why there was no post marking the bitch I loved, bitch I hated and song of the week that I normally post on Saturday. So let's do that -

But before we do...

Did anyone catch the SAG's last night? I know... they're typically pretty lame, but what with the EXTREME lack of star-studded kudos-fests happening of late due to the writer's strike, I watched them with MUCH enthuse.

Again, no big surprises in the acting categories... DDL for "There Will Be Blood" - giving a very moving speech and dedicating the award to Heathcliff A. Ledger... Julie "Still Sexxxy at 66" Christie took Best Actress honours home for "Away From Her" and dedicated the award to insanely awesome Dundas & Ossington-based (for real! That's where she lives!) Sarah "S-Po" Polley... Javier Bardem for "No Country For Old Men"... "No Country For Old Men" for Best Cast ergo Best Picture... the real surprise of the evening was legendary Black-tress Ruby Dee scoring Best Supporting Actress for "American Gangster"...

I remember as the nominees were called out, right before the winner was announced I shouted out who I wanted to win, as y'do during these kind of ceremonies...

And I said "Ruby Deeee!" a-la Oprah when she announced Ruby's name at her epic Legend's Ball. That's pretty much the only reason I know Ruby, but it's a fucking good enough one for me to root for her winning. And then bitch totally did win! ... And rambled on aimlessly for what must have been 10 minutes...

Not to Mickey Rooney proportions, mind you... Holy balls... we get it Mickster... you're older than water and have "been in this business for 74 years" and have seen a little wear and tear...

But his crazy, geriatric histrionics came off as full-blown awkward a whoooolllle lot more than they came off as sentimental.

Someone should have just wheeled him out there, had him wave, and proceeded on with the award. Before he opened the envelope to announced best actress in a miniseries, this is what went down:

The Mickster: "It's quite a group. No wonder it's a tie... ... [opens envelope] The actor goes to: Queen Latifah... ... ... ... ..."

[everyone's waiting for him to name the other recipient in what he just proclaimed to be a tie]

The Mickster: "... ... ..."

[still nothing... Queen Latifah isn't present, and the camera wildly pans to the other four actresses who are very much present and looking puzzled as hell as he's not naming the second recipient of the award...]

The Mickster: "Miss Latifah? Miss Latifah? Miss Latifah? Queen Latifah isn't here and it is my honour to accept the award on her behalf..."

[The Mickster waddles offstage and the camera pans to Debra Messing laughing hysterically AT him... not with him...]

It was quite a moment. Anyballs... THE STARS WERE OUT IN FULL FORCE!!! Stars like...

Canada's own lesbot darling, Ellen Page... who seems poised to be the ultimate bridesmaid and never a bride this award season...

Not-so-Ugly Betty star, America Ferrera...

Poster-boy for GuyLiner, Zac Efron...

Trying desperately to bring back the over sized bow that characterized 1988 to absolutely no avail, Sandra Oh-NO!

But of course all eyes were on enigmatic Hollywood power couple, Brandrew...

It was a lovely ceremony. I'm afraid our evening was marred, however, but the constant whisperings wondering if I'm pregnant. Can't people just leave us be?!

Anyway... that's it with that.

Moving on...



Who: Husky-voiced living legend of stage and screen - Try to describe her and not use the word "pizzazz" at least twice.
Why I Love Her [Last] Week: Background: The other day I was downstairs speaking with the assistant to David Mirvish, the divine Tracey Nolan. Somehow Carol Channing came up - likely in reference to her sensational turn in the Klausner & Clarke masterpiece, "Mommy Time" - anywhoozles, Tracey remembered seeing Carol Channing a few years back in a special one-off revival of the musical that helped make C-Chan a star, "Hello Dolly". Now, of course, Carol's old as hell and her zeal and ability for treading the boards must have cooled a bit, right? WRONG. Apparently bitch got out there at 80-however-the-fuck-old she is and the first thing she does is a high kick that I couldn't have dreamt of doing EVEN at my nimblest.

Then I brought up the first time Carol entered my consciousness - t'was the late 80's and it was a special, star-studded retelling of Alice In Wonderland. IF ANYONE ELSE REMEMBERS/SAW THIS, YOU'RE MY HERO.

Basically Carol Channing fucking ruled the shit. Basically. She was the White Queen and sang a song entitled "Jam Tomorrow, Jam Yesterday, But Never Jam Today"... y'welcome...

Yeah. That's another one of those things that somehow made absolutely lucid sense as a kid and now watching it feels like I'm crashing from a particularly heavy meth trip.

MORE background to this: I'm not sure I want to admit it, but meh, I will. Back in high school, I used that as my audition piece for a musical. Not just the song, "Jam Tomorrow, Jam Yesterday, But Never Ever Jam Today" - BUT THE ENTIRE SCENE. That's right... with the help of Amanda Bedson in the role of Alice, I performed the entire scene leading up to that fucking song and that fucking song itself and I'm quite certain I did it in Carol Channing's voice... which really wasn't a conscious decision, per se. Yeah. Anyway.




Who: Daughter of hatemonger Fred Phelps - the helmer of the Westboro Baptist Church and, whom earlier last week announced plans to picket the funeral of Heath Ledger - and vocal spokesperson for the organizations.
Why I Hate Her [Last] Week: SO many reasons. A.) Look at the bitch. She's pretty much the poster girl for incest. B.) She's a hatemonger and publicity whore. C.) She's a hypocrite - she's got an illegitimate son - a fact that she was called out on Hot 99.5 The Kane Show in Washington D.C. over the weekend (Listen to the podcast of her phone-in interview HERE... warning... this is one dumb bitch and she will make you see RED) - and she justified this by saying that because she recognizes it's a sin and warns others against making the sin, THAT'S why she's allowed to pass judgement. I hope this woman dies asphyxiating on her diarrhea.


Who: Lindy Lane resident and wiener-dog enthusiast who refuses to pick up its 'poopie'. This upset her neighbors so much that they took a massive statue of Jesus she had in her front yard hostage until she picked up each and every last morsel of fecal matter. Naturally, this made national news.
Why I Hate Her [Last] Week: Because bitch refused to pick up the poopie from her wieners, and this fact made me burst into random, hysterical fits of laughter so much last week, people thought I was a mental out-patient.

And seeing as it's the end of the month... I'm bringing back yet ANOTHER feature... Bitch YOU Loved/Hates this month!!! VOTING VOTING VOTING VOTING!!! YAAAAY!!!

I realize that I missed a week at the top of the year, so to even the playing field a bit, I'm throwing in Pat Benatar - who is STILL rockin', possibly harder than ever, at 54 years old (a birthday she celebrated earlier this month) - into the Bitch I Loved This Week pool, and American-Idol finalist-turned-super hot mess Jessica Sierra - who saw an arrest, a return to rehab and a super skanky sex tape released this past month - into the Bitch That I Hated This Week pool.

So... a refresher course in the Bitches Loved this month:

Pat Benatar: 80's rock Goddess/Pixie
HeLLga: American Gladiatrix/Reader of this blog
Julie Klausner & Jackie Clarke: She-larious comedy duo/Geniuses behind such viral sensations as "Welcome To Our House", "Mommy Time" and many more...
Carol Channing: Man-voiced Living Legend/Jazz-Baby

Vote HERE for the Bitch YOU Loved this month!

A refresher course in the Bitches Hated this month:

Jessica Sierra: Fallen Idol/super-skank
Britney Spears: Recently British former pop-star/Outpatient
Tom Cruise: Former movie-star/Xenu's chosen one
Shirley Phelps-Roper: Hell-bound Hatemonger/Mother of bastards
Jean Mansel: Public Enemy of Lindy Lane/Poopie Pants

Vote HERE for the Bitch You Hated This Month!!!

I'm typically not one to make my politics known, but I feel comfortable telling you that I voted for HeLLga and Jean Mansel. HeLLga, because i.) SHE'S A KILLING MACHINE and ii.) she myspaced me. Jean Mansel because i.) she doesn't pick up the poopie from her wieners and ii.) I doubt anyone else will vote for her. Meh.


Worst-kept secret of all time: I'm a fucking huge Natasha Bedingfield fan. Honestly, I equivocate her to a young Dusty Springfield.

I recently downloaded a web-rip of her latest album, "Pocketful of Sunshine", and there is a song up on 'der entitled "Happy" that I defy anyone to listen to and not immediately chin up. This song is the aural equivalent to eating a bowl of ice cream, sprinkled with prozac whilst watching a puppy AND kitten playfully wrestly then drift off to sleep in each other's arms. It's nuts.

Download/Listen to it HERE!


--- Aj