Wednesday, August 15, 2007

If I Did It...

Top o' the afternoon to y' and y'rs...

... or bottom of it, if that's your preference. Whatever.

A growing literary trend of late? "If I Did It..." hypothetical diatribes - detailing how one could have and would have done various things.

Probably the most highly publicized case of this is the upcoming O.J. Simpson 'docunovel' by the same title of this blog in which he tauntingly goes through, in ornate detail how he would have committed the murders if he did it... which he totally did and basically fesses to. Heads rolled over this. The publisher, Judith Regan, was fired from her publishing house. Sensationalist septugenarian Barbara Walters turned down the possibility of an interview with him. In a move remarkably uncharacteristic for the media, it seemed as if this was going to be handled with good taste and the book would never see the light of day, but now, according to TMZ, the book is going to be published.

The Goldman family, who's son Ron was killed by The Juice, has aquired rights to it and have decided to publish it. Proceeds will go to the Ronald Goldman foundation, whatever that is, and the the Goldman family, who will now include various jots and footnotes from their perspective to it. It's rumored that they'll retitle it, too - to simply, "I Did It". Which is hilarious.

I remember that whole OJ shit. It went down right before summer vacation when I was in Grade 7. As a result, I acquired a new nickname - AJ Simpson, which was all-too fitting considering the double murder I had just pulled off and gotten away with scot free from. An eerie coincidence. No. But they did call me AJ Simpson. The nickname didn't make it past summer vacation, however.

Anyway - I think it's horrific. Horrific. Whoever reads this should have their asshole sewn shut in the village square as punishment, and not, as high-priestess Alexyss K. Tylor suggests as a preventative measure for young black gay hookers in what has got to be the most hilarious clip I've ever seen:

Oooooh shit that's nuts. Wow. 7 minutes of being in complete hysterical laughter/shock, right there. Anyway -

What could possibly top the inappropriateness of publishing OJ Simpsons' pseudo-confession? This article at the new Freakonomics blog from The New York Times entitled "If You Were A Terrorist, How Would You Attack?"

"The basic idea is to arm 20 terrorists with rifles and cars, and arrange to have them begin shooting randomly at pre-set times all across the country. Big cities, little cities, suburbs, etc. Have them move around a lot. No one will know when and where the next attack will be. The chaos would be unbelievable, especially considering how few resources it would require of the terrorists. It would also be extremely hard to catch these guys. The damage wouldn’t be as extreme as detonating a nuclear bomb in New York City, of course; but it sure would be a lot easier to obtain a handful of guns than a nuclear weapon."

Yep. A plan for terrorists with limited resources to create a terrorist act that is low-impact, high-results. Exactly like the Body Fuzion workout, only not for your lats and glutes, but rather for the part of your brain that controls your bowels from going off at any second except when it's terrorized beyond belief.

An interesting read, yes, but why would you even put that out there? If anything remotely similar happens, you're clearly going to Guantanamo Bay. Nuts. But again, interesting. Can you even imagine how catastrophic that would be? Simultaneous shootings in New York City, Chicago, Milkwaukee, Burlington Vermont, Laramie Wyoming etc? It would have people diving for their root cellars n'er to come out. NUTS!

Anyway... something a bit lighter and in the same vein is this article on a book in which ex-cop Barry Cooper rails against the man and spills secrets on how to avoid a drug bust. There's a lot about knowing your rights - pot periphenalia, unless covered in residue, is perfectly legal... cops can't search you without a warrant... it's not illegal to smell like pot, just to handle it... - of interest is that if you need to transport a large barge of drugs, the best time to do it is in the rain or during rush hour as cops hate pulling people out in both scenarios. Also, it's recommended to coat things with deer urine or travel with a cat to set the dogs into hunt & chase mode rather than pot-sniffing mode. The cardinal rule seems to be to never carry more pot than you can swallow at any given moment.

Of course if you're from Canada, none of this really applies to you, but whatever. If you are in Canada, I'll tell you what DOES apply to you, though...

2 MORE SLEEPS!!! AHHHH!!! Once again --- tickets are available by calling 416-975-8555!!! Or at the door!!! Mention this blog and receive a bottle of KY - FREE*!!!

As Alexyss K. Tylor would say,

Takin that dick up til' I hickup,
--- Aj

* Totally won't happen. Buy your own fucking lube, tightey.