Tuesday, August 14, 2007

That Signature Look Blog

Hey there cowboys & Indians...

So did everyone have a great weekend celebrating Whitney Houston's birthday? I'll go ahead and trust you did.

It was my own practical Saturnalia this weekend what with the birthdays that I had to celebrate... and an entire 40 courtesy of the Smirnoff family was easily devoured as a result.

Preface: I wanted to spend as little time as possible in and around my home, as I live on the Danforth and it was the perennial Taste of the motherfucking Danforth AKA the absolute bain of my existence. I fucking hate it. It's like Pride for boring fat people who walk at the slowest pace imaginable. Gah.

Firstly, Friday night: the joint birthday party of Canada's Hilton sisters, the original party girls, Mike Yerxa and April Wozny. Little known fact: both of them friends forever, and both of them glamorous for even longer than that, they actually inspired Francine Pascal's hit teen-novela, The Sweet Valley Twins.

The proof is in the pudding. And by pudding, I mean this picture:

Well, time passes, and maybe they no longer have their once deliciously svelte 9-year-old ballerina physiques - they've since traded in their uniforms for hipster garb that isn't at all obnoxious - but they certainly know how to throw one heck of a party. Here are our Sweet Valley Twins in present day:

Since it was a joint-birthday, it proved to be a smorgasbord of both Yerxa and April's friends, many of whom had no idea who the others were. Important to gleam from the turnout: April Wozny knows more gay dudes than Yerxa and I combined times 5. Sheesh.

The theme of their joint birthday bash was "dress like the year in which they celebrated their respective sweet 16's" - convoluted, much? Yes. The years that they were 16 were 1999 (Yerxa) and 2001 (April). So you could have dressed like Jennifer Lopez from the video for "Waiting For Tonight" or Janet Jackson from the video from "All For You" and been in theme. And either way you would have looked like a skank, got slipped a date rape drug and then been told you were asking for it. Whoops.

Anyway - WHO DOESN'T LOVE A GOOD OLD FASHIONED COSTUME BALL?!?! Evidently me, as I didn't dress up. Although I totally would have, had I had access to my vast, vast, VAST collection of Le Crapeau man-blouses that I was famous for sporting in my final year of high school, circa 1999. It truly was a golden age.

Anyway - costume of the night went to the hottest bitch alive, Heidi Brander, who was bedecked as Aaliyah, right before her plane crash...

I'm glad this was brought up for two very distinct reasons: 1.) I was a fan of Aaliyah. I had her first album, "Age Ain't Nuthin' But A Numbah", featuring the title track, ass-rockin' mid-90's hip hop jam "Back & Forth" and the smooth-as-honey-poured-on-silk-poured-on-whale-skin ballad, "At Your Best (You Are Love)". I remember being very upset when, in the summer of 2001, it was announced that she died in a tragic plan crash that was later disclosed to be the result of overly-cumbersome luggage.

Then 9/11 happened - like three fucking weeks later. And they kept on talking about "Allah". And because of this, for maybe a solid week before my politically-aware housemate Meaghan corrected me, I thought that the terrorists had a hand in Aaliyah's death. Yes. Me = Smart cookie.

My second point: Aaliyah was the O.G. reed-thin-voiced queen of hip-hop back in the 90's and invented that brand. Had Aaliyah not died and left that void open, the following people would have never become famous:

- Ashanti
- Tweet
- Christina Milian
- Trina
- Shawnna
- Ciara
- The Pussycat Dollsand

(*I know Trina & Shawnna are rappers, but they were included for the theory that familiar sounds in sequence create comedy, assfuck.)

Okay, back on track...

With the astounding amount of hipsters present, a new game was born. I'm not sure when, I'm not sure how - but it will result in many, many entertaining evenings to come.

For the love of Christ, watch this:

That is one Maya Rudolph (surprise) as "Tuhnay Griggs" on Deep House Dish singing her smash hit "This Is My Signature Look (Wear This Out). In it, Mizz Griggs is bedecked in hipster garb recounting the various items that make her so very hipster. "Clip ons. Granny boots. Gouchos. Pops Watch. Fanny Pack. Painter's cap. Fierce fierce fierce fabulous. Worthwhile". And it's basically amazing.

So this is our new game to play in the company of hipsters. Sing "This is his/her signature look, and he/she's gonna wear this out. [Describe quirky-as-all get-out items on their person]. Fierce fierce fierce fabulous - worthwhiiiile."

Allow me to demonstrate with Yerxa's outfit on his birthday...

Now watch this:

And that's how that's done.

Anyway - Saturday saw the gaggle of us gags ascend on yet another joint-birthday, this time for eTalk goddess Amy Segal and Dan "The Levster" Levy - another joint-birthday, yet another costume-themed party - this time: young Hollywood. Which means the faux cocaine - or fauxcaine - was everywhere. The good folks at Arm & Hammer surely saw a spike in sales this weekend, let me tell ya. Anyway - once again, the belles of the ball were Yerxa and Heidi, as Perez Hilton and Dina Lohan, respectively. Nicest touch: Heidi, as Dina Lohan, carrying around two makeshift scripts: "Just My Luck 2", and "From Justin To Lindsay", trying to pitch them to people. Brander, you're a genius.

Boy were their faces red when their respective namesakes showed up... awkwaaard...

That's pretty much it.

Pretty much.

Except, oh yeah...

That's right - THIS FRIDAY!!!!!!! Get your tickets NOW!!! Call 416.975.8555 or go to the Buddies box office at 12 Alexander St., the corner of Yonge & Alexander between College & Wellesley!!!

It's gonna be awesome. You're not gonna wanna miss it. As a matter of fact, there's going to be a 17-part youtube'd series of reasons detailing exactly WHY you're not gonna wanna miss it posted in this very blog tomorrow. Ooooh.

This is my signature look,

--- Aj

Guess what I won't be seeing...

D'afternoon cowboys & Indians...

Today, I'm adding a new feature - "Guess what I won't be seeing..." in which I preview coming attractions and why they suck, why I won't be seeing them, and, in the process, purposelessly bashing random actresses and developing entirely unnecessary dislike for them.



Plot Synopsis c/o imdb.com: Based on the popular characters, Bratz follows four teenage girls who are from socially and economically diverse backgrounds. What they have in common is their wish to be themselves and realize their dreams and aspirations. They start their journey separated by high school cliques, only to realize that by becoming Bratz, their lives will be more fulfilling. A story of empowerment and wish fulfillment, told through a unique mix of song, dance, and of course, fashion. [* You will note that this is the fourth instance of me photoshopping my head onto that of a teenage girl. It's very telling.]

Why I won't be seeing this: So many reasons. Firstly, let's take a look at the major Hollywood players involved in this... Jon Voight and Lainie Kazan. Yep. Angelina Jolie's father and the mother from "My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding". A four virtually anonymous tweenage hos named shit like 'Logan', 'Chelsea' and 'Skylar' i.e. they were totally born in the 90's. Barf.

Paula Abdul was initially tied to the project as a producer/choreographer/star but was unceremoniously-yet-hilariously dumped from the project in a scene from her reality progr'm, "Hey Paula":

Fantastic. Anyballs - I always thought the Bratz were like the illiterate, pregnant teen, gang-member bitches of the Barbie world who would shank ya if you looked at them cock-eyed. But apparently they're girls from various socio-economic and cultural backgrounds with one common dream: to be Bratz. Who the fuck knew? Mehnyways, I won't be seeing it. There will only be one movie based on dolls that I'll ever see if it ever happens and that's Jem & The Holograms. Suck it, Bratz. Suck it.


Plot Synopsis: Molly Mahoney (Portman) is the awkward and insecure manager of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, the strangest, most fantastic, most wonderful toy store in the world. But when Mr. Magorium, the 243 year-old eccentric who owns the store (Hoffman), bequeaths the store to her, a dark and ominous change begins to take over the once remarkable Emporium.

Why I won't be seeing it: I liked this better the first time I saw it when it was called "Toys". Actually, that's a lie. I never saw "Toys" and won't for the life of me ever see it. This movie looks so terrible it makes me angry.

And shame shame shame on Natalie Portman for doing such a hack, formulaic family romp. Especially after leading me to believe she was cool with this:

For shame. For shame.

3.) The Geico Caveman Sitcom

According to Variety: "Cavemen" will revolve around three pre-historic men who must battle prejudice as they attempt to live as normal thirtysomethings in modern Atlanta.

Is this really necessary? Like, really? Are people that endeared to the assfucking Geico caveman that he needs his own sitcom? Well, one things fo' sho'. I won't be watching. Suck it, Geico.

Anyballs, I'll tell you what I WILL be watching...


Here it is at long last!!!

Me: Part 1, Part 2
Dini Dimakos: Part 1, Part 2
The Nefarious Black Roses: Part 1, Part 2
Katherine Ryan: Part 1, Part 2
Desiree Lavoy: Part 1, Part 2
Jodie Foster (Kirsten Gallagher): Here
Trevor Boris: Part 1, Part 2

Put that shit in y'back pocket and smoke it. And then come to this!!!:

That's right - it's this motherfucking Friday!!! Doors at 8 PM!!! Show at 8:30!!! Call 416-975-8555 or go to the box office!!!


--- Aj