Monday, December 17, 2007

Wrapping Things Up...

D'afternoon to y' and y'rs...

How's everyone? Good weekend? Bad weekend? If you're in Ontario, you're currently buried under an avalanche courtesy of the sky. For realz, we gots some snowww y'all! I spent the entirety of Sunday huddled up in my basement apartment as a snow drift had completely covered the stairs going from my apartment to ground level. If I would have opened my door, a snow drift would have poured in - a-la that episode of The Simpsons when all the employees of the nuclear power plant need to go on a team-building retreat on a snow-capped mountain and Homer & Mr. Burns get trapped underneath snow from an avalanche blah blah blah.

So yeah. I stayed in. And watched "War of the Worlds" starring two of the most irksome people in the history of the universe, Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning... God I kept hoping they'd get incinerated, but NOOOOOOOOOO...

Anyway - I liked that movie better the first time I saw it when it was called "Independence Day", but that's neither here nor there...

The night previous to that, so Saturday, we went out and had a good-old fashioned night of Three-Dollar-Billin' It/Fishin' Off The Hight Pier/Gayin' It Up. Somehow my liver was all "gimme gimme more" and was up for the challenge after this past week of holiday festivitas, so kudos to that. I've gotta say that gayin' it up is going to be that much sweeter in coming months thanks to the latest from Miss Janet Jackson - entitled Feedback... download it HERE if you haven't heard it yet. It's fucking awesome. If there's one thing that could finally give her the comeback she's been needing so desperately since "Nipplegate", this is it. As we left the joint, that's when the white shit REALLY started comin' down, and as we were walking up Yonge to Bloor, Heidi completely wiped out and started making snow angels on the sidewalk in front of The Brass Rail. For some reason and with effect that was hilarious at the time, I asked her if she did it "on purpose... or on porpoise". It was very funny at the time. Now, it's just weird. Whatever.

The night previous to THAT, so Friday (I don't know why I'm recounting this in such a backwards fashion), I went to like 18-million Yuletide gatherings (well, like 2) and the night ended in Yerxa, Anthony and I gallivanting down Dalhousie St. singing "You Don't Own Me" a-la Bette Midler, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn in The First Wives Club.

This is the resulting photoshopping that was done. Don't know how I didn't think of that one EONS ago...

Anyway... it's nearing the end of the year! And that means several things - Christmas muzak everywhere you go, the Yuletide weight gain, the dawn of seasonal affective disorder that will cripple many - but most importantly year-end lists detailing and recounting what was hot and what was not in the year that's just past!

And without further adieu, I'm off to the races... Here's the first of many....

2007 was undoubtedly the year of the viral video. Nothing was sacred nor isolated as it was put online in a nanosecond and guffawed at by millions who passed it on to millions who watched it millions of times. It was a vicious and hilarious cycle.

I now present the Top 10 Hottest Bitches of Viral Video in 2007!!!


Kicking things off is the seasonally appropriate-ly named Merry Miller, some crazily dumb bitch from ABC Online who put Holly Hunter through cruel and unusual punishment for 4 minutes. Apparently this was Merry's first ever interview. Moreover, it was certainly her first via satellite interview. Worse still, it was her audition for a regular gig. Yeah... she didn't get it. Bitch has 0.0 finesse in a live televised setting, I can tell ya that right now. She was on "The View" as a guest co-host sometime after and kept talking over everyone and cutting them off. She didn't get that gig either.


One of the greatest things I've ever seen, the famously and grandly eccentric Sharon Stone hosted some sort of auction in Germany and saw it fit to discipline them. It's my singular hope in life that I can be reincarnated as a fly on the wall in her boudoir. I assume she's like this all the time. Yes.


Swedish television personality Eva Nazemson wasn't having a good day. She basically lived a real life version of what happened in 'Knocked Up' when Katherine Heigl is conducting that interview with James Franco and vomiting. And thanks to the glory of youtube, the moment that she combusted with puke will continue to live well past the nuclear holocaust.


Stacy "Talent-In-It's-Rawest-Form" Hedger blows my fucking mind. Evidently, this is from some stateside beauty pageant back in the mid-80's, clearly. Annnnd it's the talent portion, and boy-O does Stacy strike a home run! Equipped with only her trumpet, her 6th-grade-band ability to play said trumpet, and a very sharp bedazzled unitard, she warbles her way through the Star Wars theme replete with some dramatic body language. Priceless. Apparently this from a Miss Arizona competition and Stacy Hedger is now married, has two kids, is insanely sweet and had absolutely no idea that she became a viral phenomenon/sex icon. Quaint.


One trend within viral video's this year was to see bona fide celebrities making and circulating their own, slickly produced viral sensations. One rather successful endeavour saw Alanis Morrissette release a video of herself covering the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" brilliantly making fun of it and herself. It was rather frightening to know that "My Humps", if massaged correctly, could sound like Lilith fare. (Get it?!)


Another trend within viral video's this year was to see embarrassing/incriminating footage of celebrities' shameful private moments leaked by their children (Alec Baldwin, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and obviously The Hoff). Here's The Hoff in all his glory - drunk, bare chested, and eating on the floor - in footage leaked by his daughter.


The original video that I wanted to post has been removed, and that pains me to no end. Thankfully this bitch has hilarious comin' out of every hole in/on her body 24/7/52! Mz. Tylor is the host of her own public access cable show called "Vagina Power" which she co-hosts with her mother. There really are no words to describe this woman, or at least, very few. She's got a whole slew of videos online if you are so inclined...

4.) 2 GIRLS, 1 CUP

Yeah, I'm not linking to this nor actually posting it - so don't worry - it's just one of many, many reaction videos you can see online. 2 Girls, 1 Cup of course, is the viral sensation that brought scat back. Not this kind of scat, mind you, but rather poop + sex. Because they brought scat back into our collective consciousness, those two girls and their one cup heartily deserve their fourth place! Huzzah!


Gah. I hate this ladyboy, make no mistake about it. But people somehow felt compelled to watch it, so meh, what the fuck do I know? Chris Crocker is of course the effeminate Kentuckian teenager whose lament regarding the scrutiny that Britney Spears was under following her abysmal performance at the MTV VMA's became one of the most viewed pieces of Internet content of the year. Apparently he's got a reality show in the works. Guess what I won't be watching...


Woo-Howdy, this one was a douzy. I must have watched this about a hundred times and am still not tired of it... I doubt I ever will tire of it... T'was a faithful eve this past summer when Caitlin Upton made it to the final three of the Miss Teen USA pageant. Who would have known that one such severely flubbed answer to a simple geographic question could have proved to be the sensation that it was. Thank you, United States' geographic education curiculum, thank you... such as...







This year's number 1 breakout viral video superstar was also the first breakout viral video superstar at the very top of the year. ALL BOW BEFORE THE ULTRA-GLAMOUR THAT IS BRENDA DICKSON!!! Brenda Dickson is easily the hottest bitch of all time, and this video proves it. Apparently famous in the 80's for playing 'Jill Abbot' on "The Young & The Restless", Brenda had the genius idea to make an instructional video showing you, the frumpy stay-at-home housefrau, how to be as fabulous and glamorous as she. Ostrich feathers, anyone?


Soooo many more lists to come...

--- Aj