Monday, December 31, 2007

Top 10 Bitches I Loved This Year...

Hey muffins...

I hope and trust that everyone's holiday season was ass-rockin'. But that's just me. Always hopin' and trustin'. Y'know...

So sorry for not blogging in an ungodly 10 days. Of course I will resolve to blog more in the new year, but who ever knows.

So this is it. Last day of '07. And what a fucking year. Initially I intended to make a blog detailing the Top 10 Bitches that I loved AND hated this year, but the list of hated ones was just really dark and not at all funny. Britney Spears topped it, natch. But I just found myself recounting a ton of shit that you can easily read about in any year-end wrap-up in any entertainment section of any news site/publication and then talking about how's she's severely mentally ill and needs help. Bah. Joan Van Ark and her busted face was in there, too. I think that was about as funny as it got.

Anyway - without further adieu, I present to you, my dearest reader, THE TOP 10 BITCHES I LOVED IN '07!!!


Who: 70-year-old Welsh chanteuse renowned for her saucy stage presence, tumpet-y voice and being the go-to-girl back in the 60’s for basically every James Bond film’s theme song… “You Only Live Twice”, “Diamonds Are Forever”, “Goldfinger”… in more recent years, Ms. Bassey gained relevance as the singer on the Propellerhead’s hit, “History Repeating”.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: I don’t throw the phrase “STILL GOT IT!” around too, too often – but I’ll gladly use it in reference to this lady in the big, bad ’07. It kicked off way back in March when Jordin Sparks sang “I (Who Have Nothing)” on American Idol during British Invasion week and culminated in her latest, and perhaps, greatest release, “Get This Party Started”. She does a bunch of trip-hop-y and acid-jazz-y versions/covers of her past hits and then some. Yes – trip-hop and acid-jazz aren’t two of the most current genres to be working in, but considering that yer Aretha Franklin’s and Dionne Warwick’s current attempts to sound contemporary end up resembling a Boyz II Men demo from 1993, I think sufficient pats-on-the-back for Ms. Bassey are in order. That, and of course, FUCKING LOOK AT THIS WOMAN! She’s still a super-fox and sounds better than she ever has at 70 years old! Balls!


Who: Born Brendan McDaniel, Candis Cayne became a popular New York nightlife personality (as most drag queens, tranny's, ladyboys, boyladys, and the like do) and won countless pageants dedicated to such characters. She can currently be seen as William Baldwin's tranny mistress on ABC's "Dirty Sexy Money" - the first MtF tranny playing an MtF tranny on the teevee.

Why I Loved Her in ‘07: The first [openly]* transgendered actress on primetime television, Ms. Cayne marks an important first in both television and GLBT history. *In a recent interview with Next Magazine, Ms. Cayne alluded to the fact that there have been other Trans actresses who have transitioned smoothly and currently headline big Hollywood films. WHO THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT WHO THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT WHO THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?!?!?! My bets: Hilary Swank, Jennifer Aniston and Judge Mabeline.


Who: Bancroft, Ontario native turned darling of the alternative comedy scene and nominee for the 2006 Tim Sims Encouragement Fund.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: Okay, Desiree sort of represents an amalgam of every female comedian that’s done Bitch Salad this year – Dini Dimakos, The Black Roses, Katherine Ryan, Trevor Boris, Sabrina Jalees, Katie Crown, Jo-Anna Downey, Nicole Arbour, Jillian Thomas, Dana Alexander, Michelle Shaughnessy, Aurora Browne, Shelley Marshall, Sara Hennessey, Laurie Elliott and of course, the Des-meister – and my absolutely unending love for each of them individually… the kicker which gets Ms. Lavoy a personal mention is that her joke – “I stepped in shit the other day. But at least now my shoes match my bag… my COLOSTOMY bag! HE-EEE-EY!” – has been a staple conversation piece in my circle since we heard it.


: Boisterous singer and limey comedienne who rocketed to stardom back in the late 60’s alongside Goldie Hawn, Lily Tomlin and Ruth Buzzi as part of the ensemble of Rowan & Martin’s “Laugh-In”. Ms. Worley later re-relevantized (not a word, but you get it) herself to my generation as the voice of ‘Hoppopotamus’ on The Wuzzles.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: So many reasons to love this woman. She’s been playing the part of Mama Rose in Gypsy since she was a teen. Her outrageous boas, wigs and fake-eye-lashes basically set the paradigm for every drag queen to come since the 60’s. But mainly because when she took over the role of “Mrs. Tottendale” in the Broadway smash The Drowsy Chaperone this past year, she did a slew of press and acted like a gloriously crazy bitch.


: Plus-/Pint-sized 16 year old Long Islander plucked from obscurity, and her part-time job as scoopstress as a Cold Stone Creamery, to portray the lead role of “Tracy Turnblad” in the big screen adaptation of summer blockbuster, Hairspray.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: This bitch is badass. In a world of synthetic, pretentious prostitots a-la Vanessa “Pizza Beav” Hudgens, Ashley “Deviated Septum” Tisdale, Amanda “Life’s a 45 When You Can’t Buy It” Bynes and Miley “Lesbian Antics” Cyrus, Nikk’s raw talent, fearlessness and larger-than-life talent (and appetite) make her stand as the face of a new breed of teenage role model. That, and I’m quite certain, that in the next World War, her pendulous arm fat could act as one of North America’s greatest and deadliest weapons. Oooh-Wee.

Palette Cleanser: JODIE FOSTER

Who: Sturdy double-Oscar winner and star of Hollywood blockbusters including “The Silence of the Lambs”, “The Accused” and of course, the riveting “Flightplan”.

Why I Kinda Sorta Loved Her In ’07: It was a bit of a topsy turvy year for Ms. Foster in ’07. Her latest starring vehicle, “The Brave One”, was a box office disaster. She continues to skirt around her questions regarding her sexual orientation and private life, providing a questionable role model for the GLBT community. But one thing remains resolutely certain: She’s responsible for the greatest article of music I’ve heard all year… TALKIN’ BOUT “LA VIE C’EST CHOUETTE”, Y’ALL! For those of you who missed my absolute obsession over this song earlier this year, it’s from a disco album of spoken-word Frenglish that she recorded back in the 70’s that just completely blows my mind every time I think of it. Once more for the road… Download/Listen to it HERE!


Who: 80’s pop-punk icon renowned for a thick Long Island accent, a Technicolor mane and booming belt of a voice – she shot to fame with a slew of hits including “She-Bop”, “Time After Time”, “True Colors”, “I Drove All Night” and of course her anthemic 1984 single “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: Beyond her general awesomeness and endurable quirk, this past summer she produced and headlined the “The True Colors Tour” – a fundraiser for the Human Rights Campaign, specifically aimed at changing legislature to have attacks on people over their sexual orientation deemed as punishable hate crimes. Additionally, I saw this tour. Ms. Cyndi Lauper does NOT fucking phone it in, I can tell ya that right now. She still gives it like she’s 19 and trying to score her first record deal.


: Comedy connoisseur, dance aficionado, theatre devotee, film buff and Arts reviewer for NOW Magazine, Toronto’s premiere weekly arts & culture paper. [*Not actually a picture of Mr. Sumi. Despite my best efforts, couldn’t find one. Just some random Asian hottie.]

Why I Loved Him In The ’07: Beyond the general good that he’s done for comedians and theatre artists of many stripes over the years, and the agenda he has to champion Gay & Lesbian comedians within that, he’s responsible for perhaps the single brightest highlight of my year that came in the form of a full fucking page feature in the August 16-22 issue of Now Magazine profiling me and Bitch Salad. Not to mention the ‘best discovery’ mention of Bitch Salad and this very blog in the current year-end issue of Now… Glenn Sumi is basically a deity. Basically.


Who: Good friend of mine who I’ve gotten to know over the past year who’s poised to take over the outsider music scene with her debut album of Christmas songs and corresponding myspace page.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: So incredibly many reasons. Within my circle of friends, Heidi BB is that one person who constantly outdoes herself. She speaks in puns. She hosted Thanksgiving. She dressed up as part Zac Efron/part Vanessa Hudgens – or, Zanessa – for Hallowe’en. But the absolute kicker this year came in the form of a Christmas present she got all of us this year… Besides a T-Shirt with an iron-on picture of us as some bastardization that I’d photoshopped on it, she went to an authentic Asian karaoke joint and cut a full-length Christmas album. I know. Unbelievable. So, I made her a myspace page. Go there NOW! Let’s make Heidi BB a star in ’08!

Who: Bedingfield – Angel-faced, raspy-voiced Brit and weaver of the most ear-pleasing pop music that I’ve heard in a long time. Galkina - Russian-born super-quirk and runner-up of America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 8.

Why I Loved Them in ’07: Bedingfield – Okay. It’s official. I’m a fan of Natasha Bedingfield. After constantly chocking her up to a “oh, I just like this one song”, it suddenly occurred to me recently that not only do I have a whopping 12 songs of hers on my iPod, but out of those, 5 are the most played songs up on there! Shoot. With the release of her latest North American effort this past month, she’s poised to rule the airwaves with her brand of optimistic, insanely listenable-to pop. Galkina - Because she’s unbelievably adorable and everything that came out of her mouth was either perplexing or hilarious (or both). During her stint on ANTM, she was the consummate underdog with 0.0 inhibitions and one of the most compelling characters ever seen within the halls of Tyra Banks’ fierce-fest. Someone please give the bitch her own show. She’d truly be the future of the sitcom. Like for fucking real, the new Cosby. Shit.

1. YOU!!!

Who: Umm, you.

Why I Loved You In The ’07: Because you actually enjoy/are somehow compelled to read these mindless scribblings I jot down here periodically. And for that, you absolutely rule.

And, as such, here’s a gift for you to ring in the New Year with…

Remember back in the early 90’s when Much Music released tidy compilations of the year’s biggest and most festive dance hits in a continuous mix? I think it’s the only reason that a lot of us know and love the likes of 2 Unlimited, Reel 2 Real and Los Del Rio.

They was called Dance Mix ’92, or ’93 or whatever year it happened to be. They provided the soundtrack for many a high school basement parties, drinking amaretto and sprite/gin & coke/nail-polish remover and Listerine whilst doing the Macarena. Those were the days… those were the days…

Well now said compilation is called Much Dance and is NOT a continuous mix of the year’s biggest and most festive dance hits but rather a poor man’s version of an edition of “Now That’s What I Call Music!” And that’s heartbreaking. Truly.

Well that’s where I step in! Using a new mixing software I downloaded, I took my enthusiasm for collecting radio edits and making mix tapes and made the definitive dance mix to end your ’07 with! Y’welcome.

The track listing is below… it’s continuous, so it’ll also be a Godsend for all you cardio buffs out there… and the entire thing clocks in at 1 hour and 18 minutes, so it’s good to burn right onto a CD! FUN!

1. Amy Winehouse – Rehab (Desert Eagle Mix)
2. Bob Sinclair – Rock This Party (Everybody Dance Now) (Original Mix)
3. Timbaland feat. Keri Hilson – The Way I Are (Richard Vission Mix)
4. Lady Sovereign feat. Missy Elliott – Love Me Or Hate Me (Jason Nevins Mix)
5. Rihanna – Umbrella (Seamus Haji & Paul Emanuel Mix)
6. Britney Spears – Gimme More (Sticky Mix)
7. Jennifer Lopez – Do It Well (Poker Face Mix)
8. Beyonce – Irreplaceable (Maurice Joshua Mix)
9. Jennifer Hudson – And I Am Telling You (Richie Jones Mix)
10. Enrique Eglesias – Do You Know (Ralphi Rosario & Craig C. Mix)
11. Fall Out Boy – Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (Lindbergh Palace Mix)
12. Nelly Furtado – Say It Right (Friscia & Lamboy Mix)
13. Kelly Rowland feat. Eve – Like This (Karmatronics Mix)
14. Fergie feat. Ludacris – Glamorous (Marcelo Guerra Mix)
15. Lily Allen – Alfie (CSS Mix)
16. Feist – 1234 (Daft Punk Mix)
17. Kanye West – Stronger (A-Trak Mix)
18. Justin Timberlake – Lovestoned (I Think She Knows) (Kaskade Mix)
19. Gwen Stefani – Wind It Up (Electro Basement Mix)
20. Hilary Duff – With Love (Bermudez & Preve Mix)
21. Kat Deluna feat. Elephant Man – Whine Up (Johnny Vicious Mix)
22. Shakira & Beyonce – Beautiful Liar (Freemasons Mix)
23. The Killers – Read My Mind (Linus Loves Mix)
24. Pink – Who Knew (Bimbo Jones Mix)
25. Mika – Love Today (Eric Kupper Mix)

Download/Listen to it HERE!

Happy New Year,

See you in ’08,

So, tomorrow...

--- Aj

Thursday, December 20, 2007

That "T'is The Season" Blog



What day is this?

Why this? This is Christmas day!

Well no... it's totally not. 5 more sleeps or something like that. But it TRULY is the most wonderful time of the year... I'll give it that. Made unavoidable by the constant barrage of Christmas Carrol's piping through every sound system in every concourse walkway that are so near and dear to me (I swear, that's the ONLY way I travel... I've oft said that my ideal living situation would to be in the Manulifie centre so I'd never need to set foot outside at all...)

That's really neither here nor there. In celebration of the season and recognition of the Chinese water torture that is constant Christmas Carrol's, I now present MY TOP 10 CHRISTMAS SONGS... EVER!!!

10.) Burl Ives - "Have A Holly, Jolly Christmas"

From those ubiquitous Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and Herbie the elf claymation-esque stop-motion Christmas movies of EVERYONE'S youth, the consummately jolly Burl Ives (as Frosty the Snowman, crooner and narrator) crooned the pants off of everyone with this instant classic. Side note: Y'all remember Herbie the elf??? Arguably one of the first and most poignant gay icons of history. I wonder if he ever did achieve those dreams of being a dentist... Anyballs, listen/download the song HERE!

9.) John Lennon & Yoko Ono - "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)"

Well it's totally not, but it's a nice thought. The songs' impetus was a series of billboards that John and Yoko rented out all over the world saying "War Is Over" in a huge heading, then in a teency heading underneath it, "If You Want It... Happy Christmas from John & Yoko". Whiiiich you could have just read in the picture above it, but no. Anyballs, a protest song was penned saying the same thing and featuring the Harlem Children's choir and saw massive success following Lennon's death in 1980. Although a protest song through and through about the Vietnam war, it's now leapt right into the the popular Christmas Carrol canon. It's covered devastatingly in a version by Melissa Etheridge that you can download/listen to it HERE!

8.) "Turkey Lurkey" from "Promises, Promises"

Ha. I don't know what to tell ya. At first watching/listening to this song was for me, like the equivalent of picking a scab: painful yet I kept doing it. Now it's officially crept past irksome compulsion to guilty pleasure. "Turkey Lurkey" is a song performed by three old-tymey secretaries (Mimeographer, much?) at a Christmas party in the Burt Bacharach/Hal David musical "Promises, Promises". To download, I have the version from the musical "Camp"... Download/Listen to it HERE!

7.) Brenda Lee - "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree"

... at the Christmas party hop! ... We really need to bring "hops" back. Ah, Brenda Lee. There she is, pictured above, present day. It's any one's guess as to whether she's festively festooned herself in reference to her classic holiday hit, or whether the old dear got confused in a fit of dementia and crashed into a box of Christmas lights. Or both - WHO KNOWS. Anyballs, this is basically the feelgood hit of the century. Basically. Download/Listen to it HERE!

6.) Toss Up: Whitney Houston - "Little Drummer Boy" and "Do You Hear What I Hear"

Have a very Whitney Christmas - is there any other kind? Two offerings: the first is a version of Christmas staple "The Little Drummer Boy" from her last studio album, "One Wish" (Weekend Update joke: "Houston's one wish this Christmas? More crack."... it was circa 2003!) It features guest vocals from her daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown and is worth listening to until the end to hear Whitney go absolutely fucking nuts with the "Ruppa Pum Pum"... Download/Listen to it HERE! The next: From the all-star charity album "A Very Special Christmas" circa 1987, a masterful cover of "Do You Hear What I Hear" by Whitney just slightly before her prime... Download/Listen to it HERE!

PALETTE CLEANSER: Ali Lohan - "Lohan Holiday"

And the award for most unnecessary Christmas album ever made goes toooo... Yeah, WHAT THE FUCK? So based on the fact that her sister was a semi-famous film star, she gets a Christmas album? Whoever actually bought this shit needs to be shot in their junk... AND FAST! "Let me take you on a Lohan holiday / A winter wonderland that's oh so far away / Don't have to go no where just let your mind escape / Come on a journey to this Lohan Holiday". There are so many jokes waiting to be made that it's making my head spin. So I won't make any. Just let the song speak for itself.

5.) Darlene Love - "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"

SUUUUCH an awesome song. Renowned, of course, because she ritualistically sings it on David Letterman around this time of year and will be sorely missed this year due to the writer's strike. I effin' love this woman and this song - unfortunately I couldn't find an MP3 of her singing it, so here's U2 instead... Download/Listen to it HERE!

4.) Bette Midler - "Mele Kalikimaka"

It is, after all, the thing to say on a bright Hawaiin Christmas day. Wow. It really doesn't get gayer and more Christmas-y than this. Off of The Divine Miss M's most recent offering, "Cool Yule", it's the standard greeting said in Hawaii (Midler's home state) on Christmas. I first became acquainted with this song through "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" - as I assume most people did. From the scene in which Clark (Chevy Chase) is visualizing the pool that he's going to buy his family with his Christmas bonus that he never ends up getting, and the whole thing turns out semi-pornographically. Anyway... hula hula... Download/Listen to it HERE!

3.) Wham! - "Last Christmas"

Ahhh the days before George Michael was gay - as per evidenced in this classic yule tide snapshot of him and Wham!mate Andrew Ridgley. Yeah... they might as well be full-on ass fucking in this picture, but I digress. This song is a fucking masterpiece... and an apt cautionary tale of giving your heart to someone on Christmas who may very well give it away on Boxing Day. This Christmas, put this song on, and seductively whisper, "Happy Christmas"... Download/Listen to it HERE!

2.) Mariah Carey - "All I Want For Christmas Is You"

"Silent Night" and "Angels We Have Heard On High" can suck it, because this song EASILY owns their asses. Off Mariah Carey's mid-90's "Merry Christmas" album, it's one of the most popular seasonal hits of all time, becoming insanely popular on the radio this time of year for about three weeks, then going back into hibernation. Honestly, who the balls doesn't love this song??? Anyway... Download/Listen to it HERE!






1.) Sarah Silverman - "Give The Jew Girl Toys"

YES! Big S takes the top spot with her hysterically funny and surprisingly easy-on-the-ears quandary to Santa about why she and her Jewish brethren get shafted come Christmas. This lyric alone wins her the top spot: "You have a list / Well Schindler did too / Liam Niesen played HIM / Tim Allen played YOU". Yes. Download/Listen to it HERE!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night,

--- Aj

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Haute Topics: *sigh*...


Of course I have to say something about this shit...

Just when I thought we could ride out the rest of the year Spears-related-incident-free, bitch has to up and do THIS...

Yes. Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's younger sister/pint-sized doppelganger, is pregnant. At 16 years old. From her 19-year-old boyfriend. Who's she's been dating since she was 13. And I've got to assume fucking since then, too. Ahhh to be a sexy teen again... those were heady days... Literally and figuratively... but I digress.

So I finally know which side I'm on regarding that whole "should we sterilize the poor" debate. Hint: it's not 'against'.

It was announced by Jamie Lynn and her mother, Lynne - who had a how-to book about, of all things, PARENTING coming out soon that's now been mysteriously shelved - to OK! magazine... supposedly out of courtesy and appreciation for how reasonably small of a deal they made out of that whole Britney cleaning-up-dog-shit-with-a-Cavalli, peeing-with-the-door-open photo shoot thing that happened earlier this year...

Speaking of Britney - apparently no one in her family was paying any mind to her 2001 hit "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know", because apparently Britney was, in fact, the last to know. Bitch had to hear from the paparazzi during one of her many hotel visits. NUTS!

Also - apparently Lynne and Jamie Lynn were spotted in New York taking in a screening of "Juno"... that movie about teenage pregnancy that's being hailed as this year's "Little Miss Sunshine"... is that supposed to be parental guidance? Are you going to make her watch reruns of Degrassi so she can follow Spike's example after that? Is this the sort of info that we'd find in her parenting book - "How To Raise Your Children To Be Whores"?


Can you imagine being that dude right now? A.) You're being accused of statuatory rape on a national platform, B.) You'ze the baby-daddy to a Spears, a winner's circle of already formidable company. It's times like this that I count my absolute lucky stars that I'm as gay as the day is long and don't need to worry about pregnancy...

But for real. The United States has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the world, yet American teens ain't bugalooing any mo' than teens anywhere else. It's just amazing to me how far the evangelical population will go and how important it is that they maintain that they are as white as a fresh snow when in truth they ain't nothin' but a pile of year-old cum rags. Boo-urns.

Anyballs... on the upside, all this hoopla over Jamie Lynn's has really taken attention away from Lily Allen's recently announced pregnancy and how severely unfit she is for motherhood...

Do it in the ass next time...

Countdowns resume tomorrow!!!

--- Aj

Monday, December 17, 2007

Wrapping Things Up...

D'afternoon to y' and y'rs...

How's everyone? Good weekend? Bad weekend? If you're in Ontario, you're currently buried under an avalanche courtesy of the sky. For realz, we gots some snowww y'all! I spent the entirety of Sunday huddled up in my basement apartment as a snow drift had completely covered the stairs going from my apartment to ground level. If I would have opened my door, a snow drift would have poured in - a-la that episode of The Simpsons when all the employees of the nuclear power plant need to go on a team-building retreat on a snow-capped mountain and Homer & Mr. Burns get trapped underneath snow from an avalanche blah blah blah.

So yeah. I stayed in. And watched "War of the Worlds" starring two of the most irksome people in the history of the universe, Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning... God I kept hoping they'd get incinerated, but NOOOOOOOOOO...

Anyway - I liked that movie better the first time I saw it when it was called "Independence Day", but that's neither here nor there...

The night previous to that, so Saturday, we went out and had a good-old fashioned night of Three-Dollar-Billin' It/Fishin' Off The Hight Pier/Gayin' It Up. Somehow my liver was all "gimme gimme more" and was up for the challenge after this past week of holiday festivitas, so kudos to that. I've gotta say that gayin' it up is going to be that much sweeter in coming months thanks to the latest from Miss Janet Jackson - entitled Feedback... download it HERE if you haven't heard it yet. It's fucking awesome. If there's one thing that could finally give her the comeback she's been needing so desperately since "Nipplegate", this is it. As we left the joint, that's when the white shit REALLY started comin' down, and as we were walking up Yonge to Bloor, Heidi completely wiped out and started making snow angels on the sidewalk in front of The Brass Rail. For some reason and with effect that was hilarious at the time, I asked her if she did it "on purpose... or on porpoise". It was very funny at the time. Now, it's just weird. Whatever.

The night previous to THAT, so Friday (I don't know why I'm recounting this in such a backwards fashion), I went to like 18-million Yuletide gatherings (well, like 2) and the night ended in Yerxa, Anthony and I gallivanting down Dalhousie St. singing "You Don't Own Me" a-la Bette Midler, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn in The First Wives Club.

This is the resulting photoshopping that was done. Don't know how I didn't think of that one EONS ago...

Anyway... it's nearing the end of the year! And that means several things - Christmas muzak everywhere you go, the Yuletide weight gain, the dawn of seasonal affective disorder that will cripple many - but most importantly year-end lists detailing and recounting what was hot and what was not in the year that's just past!

And without further adieu, I'm off to the races... Here's the first of many....

2007 was undoubtedly the year of the viral video. Nothing was sacred nor isolated as it was put online in a nanosecond and guffawed at by millions who passed it on to millions who watched it millions of times. It was a vicious and hilarious cycle.

I now present the Top 10 Hottest Bitches of Viral Video in 2007!!!


Kicking things off is the seasonally appropriate-ly named Merry Miller, some crazily dumb bitch from ABC Online who put Holly Hunter through cruel and unusual punishment for 4 minutes. Apparently this was Merry's first ever interview. Moreover, it was certainly her first via satellite interview. Worse still, it was her audition for a regular gig. Yeah... she didn't get it. Bitch has 0.0 finesse in a live televised setting, I can tell ya that right now. She was on "The View" as a guest co-host sometime after and kept talking over everyone and cutting them off. She didn't get that gig either.


One of the greatest things I've ever seen, the famously and grandly eccentric Sharon Stone hosted some sort of auction in Germany and saw it fit to discipline them. It's my singular hope in life that I can be reincarnated as a fly on the wall in her boudoir. I assume she's like this all the time. Yes.


Swedish television personality Eva Nazemson wasn't having a good day. She basically lived a real life version of what happened in 'Knocked Up' when Katherine Heigl is conducting that interview with James Franco and vomiting. And thanks to the glory of youtube, the moment that she combusted with puke will continue to live well past the nuclear holocaust.


Stacy "Talent-In-It's-Rawest-Form" Hedger blows my fucking mind. Evidently, this is from some stateside beauty pageant back in the mid-80's, clearly. Annnnd it's the talent portion, and boy-O does Stacy strike a home run! Equipped with only her trumpet, her 6th-grade-band ability to play said trumpet, and a very sharp bedazzled unitard, she warbles her way through the Star Wars theme replete with some dramatic body language. Priceless. Apparently this from a Miss Arizona competition and Stacy Hedger is now married, has two kids, is insanely sweet and had absolutely no idea that she became a viral phenomenon/sex icon. Quaint.


One trend within viral video's this year was to see bona fide celebrities making and circulating their own, slickly produced viral sensations. One rather successful endeavour saw Alanis Morrissette release a video of herself covering the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" brilliantly making fun of it and herself. It was rather frightening to know that "My Humps", if massaged correctly, could sound like Lilith fare. (Get it?!)


Another trend within viral video's this year was to see embarrassing/incriminating footage of celebrities' shameful private moments leaked by their children (Alec Baldwin, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and obviously The Hoff). Here's The Hoff in all his glory - drunk, bare chested, and eating on the floor - in footage leaked by his daughter.


The original video that I wanted to post has been removed, and that pains me to no end. Thankfully this bitch has hilarious comin' out of every hole in/on her body 24/7/52! Mz. Tylor is the host of her own public access cable show called "Vagina Power" which she co-hosts with her mother. There really are no words to describe this woman, or at least, very few. She's got a whole slew of videos online if you are so inclined...

4.) 2 GIRLS, 1 CUP

Yeah, I'm not linking to this nor actually posting it - so don't worry - it's just one of many, many reaction videos you can see online. 2 Girls, 1 Cup of course, is the viral sensation that brought scat back. Not this kind of scat, mind you, but rather poop + sex. Because they brought scat back into our collective consciousness, those two girls and their one cup heartily deserve their fourth place! Huzzah!


Gah. I hate this ladyboy, make no mistake about it. But people somehow felt compelled to watch it, so meh, what the fuck do I know? Chris Crocker is of course the effeminate Kentuckian teenager whose lament regarding the scrutiny that Britney Spears was under following her abysmal performance at the MTV VMA's became one of the most viewed pieces of Internet content of the year. Apparently he's got a reality show in the works. Guess what I won't be watching...


Woo-Howdy, this one was a douzy. I must have watched this about a hundred times and am still not tired of it... I doubt I ever will tire of it... T'was a faithful eve this past summer when Caitlin Upton made it to the final three of the Miss Teen USA pageant. Who would have known that one such severely flubbed answer to a simple geographic question could have proved to be the sensation that it was. Thank you, United States' geographic education curiculum, thank you... such as...







This year's number 1 breakout viral video superstar was also the first breakout viral video superstar at the very top of the year. ALL BOW BEFORE THE ULTRA-GLAMOUR THAT IS BRENDA DICKSON!!! Brenda Dickson is easily the hottest bitch of all time, and this video proves it. Apparently famous in the 80's for playing 'Jill Abbot' on "The Young & The Restless", Brenda had the genius idea to make an instructional video showing you, the frumpy stay-at-home housefrau, how to be as fabulous and glamorous as she. Ostrich feathers, anyone?


Soooo many more lists to come...

--- Aj

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Comings, Goings, Doings

Hey muggles...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, huh? Conversely, it's beginning to look a lot like the climate of the earth isn't changing and we're on the receiving end of a good-old-fashioned assachey winter. BAHUMBUG!

Last winter was basically the greatest thing I've ever experienced. Basically. It was the seasonal equivalent of a piece of bocconcini cheese - it was that mild. I think I wore a fucking windbreaker until February or some shit. I can specifically remember New Years Eve - it was downright balmy... I fully could have gone without coat, FULLY. And I can remember thinking... "This is global warming... I'm sorry, but kinda bring it on... shoot..." Anyway. Turns out it was just an abnormally warm winter, and the threat of global warming is still very real... but the fact that it interferes with my enjoyment remains the same.


This weekend was fun. FUN. It started on Thursday night when I did a benefit for the Sick Kids Hospital. Now it's pretty common knowledge that I hate kids - ESPECIALLY sick ones - so this was a bit of a stretch. But now whenever I see commercials for sick kids hospital asking 'what I've done this Christmas', I can say "SOMETHING". I'm so into capitals today. I don't know why. I'm sorry.

Anyway - I anticipated a bunch of medical types in attendance and do you know how many there were? 0.00 - yeah, no one. I had this bit that I really wanted to try about Prader-Willi Syndrome... which is right behind Compulsive Hoarding in terms of hilarious diseases and dysfunctions...

Prader-Willi Syndrome is that disease that afflicts children where they're missing that part of the brain that tells them when they're full and to stop eating - which is why you see really obscenely obese toddlers, like the one pictured to the left, to the left (No, it's not Carnie Wilson pre-bypass having breakfast on 'casual Friday'.)

Anyway, I remarked that it's so terrible because these kids have no peer pressure at that age and haven't picked up the harsh body image standards imposed on us by Hollywood etc... which I guess is sort of the cure for Prader-Willi syndrome. Becoming attuned to those and hating your body. So if y'alls kids are born with PW, get them an issue of Seventeen magazine as soon as they can blink. Yeah. That's me trying to work clean. My boss thought it was funny when I tried it out in conversation. But the audience of non-medical types didn't so much. So I shifted gears and talked about Facebook and made dick jokes. A good time was had by all.

Friday night I attended the birthday bash of my dear, dear friend Meredith "Muffy" Shaw - whose pumpkin pie parties have become something of legend. She hosted an elegant sitdown dinner at the Granite Club - which is like the country club in Toronto... it's next door to the Bridal Path (Toronto's version of Bel Air... in which, I'm sure, Toronto's version of the Fresh Prince resides) and where the major athletes train and shit like that. ANYBALLS - the entire thing was lovely from head to toe.

The company was mixed. Well, not exactly. It was a gaggle of girls that Muff knew in high school (Branksome Hall, for those of you in the know), a gay couple that Muff had known for a while, myself and Larissa. The food was spectacular, as it very well should have been. I basically ate like it was last meal - and I had a canker on my tongue to boot, so fuck. Uncomfortable, much? Larissa ate so much she thought she was going to puke. She made a bee line for the bathroom and just as she did, one of Meredith's Branksome-ite childhood friends scampered along beside her... because for girls, going to the bathroom together is a mandatory social activity or something, apparently. I'll never wrap my head around that.

GREATEST STORY I'VE EVER HEARD: Muff and her Branksome co-horts recounted driving around their Rosedale neighborhoods when they were 16 and entering a phase of general teenage angst and unruliness, and deciding that they should buy a house to party in... as their cavernous Rosedale mansions didn't offer enough privacy to stow away and shotgun their parents Dubonnet. I jest, I jest. Anyway - Meredith was like "I can actually remember thinking that. Actually remember thinking, 'yeah. We should just buy a house. Like that one - it looks shitty - let's just buy that one.'" Of course they were talking about another Rosedale home that was no doubt worth well-over a million, but to them - t'was a homely shanty fit for their partying. LOVE IT. I find that so funny... I've been laughing about it for days...

Lariss and I pour out of there around 1 AM and make the last subway. Standing on the Bloor platform, I experienced a first. This unspeakably fugly Mediterranean chick who was CLEARLY stoned out of her mind and being held up by some sketchy dude who CLEARLY facilitated it and was trying to make her look and act as non-conspicuous as possible (read: this was a good-old-fashioned date rape) comes up to me... she eyes me, trying to keep focus and asks me point blank: "Hey... are you gay"? I ironically flutter m'eye lashes and cheerfully reply, "Nope!". She then teeters and says "Oh... .... well you look gay!" and then bursts into laughter.

Larissa and I burst into laughter in turn. Wow. That's the first time anything like that has ever happened - but it's the sort of thing that people in small towns think is common place in Toronto! I swear! Before moving here, like when I was in high school, that's what I thought happened "in the big city". Wow. Hilarious.

Anyway - I could hardly be mad at the bitch... On top of the obvious cruelty imposed by nature on her face, she was about to raped while unconscious and left for dead... - then sure enough, after I get off the subway I get a call from Larissa, who happened to be on the same car of the train that chick got on and gave me the follow up... Apparently out of nowhere, this chick starts screaming and kicking the guy she was with. It was quite a scene, apparently. Ahhhh the less fortunate. What will they get up to next?

Speaking of less-fortunate, I can certainly relate with them after Saturday night.

Saturday night saw me accompany the divine Kitty Ryan and a gaggle of her best gal pals from high school out to The Guverment. Yeah. I'm not a frequenter of The Guverment. But I went because we get special treatment via a promoter named JP that Kitty new from her days as a dancer on Electric Circus (YES!) - like we get to be behind a velvet rope. It's terribly pretentious.

Anyway... if the Guverment ever goes out of business, I'm going to buy it and rename it "Douchebag Olympics". Because that's what it is.

For serious. Every dude up in there looks like the guy pictured to the right. Well not every guy - but they fucking might as well have.

Balls. Anyway, the evening was sweetened slightly by the arrival of television personality Traci Melchor, who joined us in our velvet roped section or whatever. I finally got to re-introduce myself to her - I met her when I was in Rocky Horror in Toronto back in 2002 and she was the host of W Network's "Style VIP". She was doing some segment about how films have affected fashion and I needed to come and hip check her out of the frame as Frank and say "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" or something. It was a ball and she was a doll. She gave me her necklace that day and I still have it. Not because I wanted to preserve this item that was graced by Traci Melchor, per se, but because it was a really cool necklace.

Anyballs - she totally remembered and was spoke for a while. She's got twins now, yo. Dayum.

So yeah... That's it... Here's a picture of me, Yerx and Anth as 90's Adult-Contemporary Supergroup/Rock 'N Royalty Wilson Phillips... it's currently my reason to live... I LOVE IT!!!

Hold on... for one more day... things will go your way...

--- Aj

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Haute Topics: Busted Skanks Edition

Hey muggles...

I trust your week is going as swimmingly as mine. Last night I pushed myself to the absolute limit and stayed up until 12:30 watching the American Cinematheque's tribute to Julia Roberts - who I like as much if not less than everybody else. I thought it would be like the tribute to Meryl Streep - which was fucking epic. All these enormous stars coming out and basically bending over in front of Meryl, proclaiming that her talent could fuck them in the ass any day of the week... and Meryl gave tasty, tasty commentary about her roles blah blah blah. I was sort of expecting that from this, too.

Then I realized that this isn't Meryl Streep we're talking about - it's Julia Roberts. And she's pretty much a glorified Meg Ryan insofar as talent. So yeah. Not really the meatiest buffet in terms of a body of work goes. I think clips from "Erin Brockovitch" were shown every three seconds. Certainly nothing from "Mary Reilly", I can tell ya that. The one line that jumps out at me was delivered by Bruce Willis when describing the many parallels in their careers: "Julia turned down the Sharon Stone role in Basic Instinct... and I've turned down Sharon Stone many, many times." It's funny because Sharon Stone's a whore.

Anyway... BORING. The whole hour was BORING. Also boring? Julia Roberts. Motherhood has watered the bitch dowwwn. She used to be the biggest movie star of our time - this generation's Garbo (minus the mystery), and now she's superseded that title to who? Reese Witherspoon? THAT'S supposed to be the biggest shit deal in Hollywood now? Blahrb. No good.

Onto zestier topics, as it were...

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention/enlighten you to three busted skanks du jour and their recent headline-making misadventures:


Grammy noms are announced in a matter of hours and a lot of people are anticipating Winehouse to appear across the board. Best New Artist, Record of the Year, Album of the Year... I have to imagine that the firestorm of negative press that she's gotten (and seemingly welcomed with open arms) is going to have some effect... but we'll see...

The negative press I'm referring to: i.) After a string of 'concerts' which saw her drunk out of her skull, forgetting lyrics, cussing out fans and walking offstage mid-way, she cancels her tour siting her distress over the incarceration of her husband as the reason... ii.) This amazing performance at the MTV Euro Awards... iii.) Entering and exiting rehab what seems like multiple times a day... iv.) This amazing performance at the MTV Euro Awards... v.) Befriending the positive influence to end all positive influences, Courtney Love... vi.) This amazing performance at the MTV Euro Awards... and vii.) Pictured, to the left, to the left, roaming the streets of sub-zero London last week and 4:30 AM in but a bra and her signature jorts.

Article vii is easily the kicker for me. Basically because I get really pissed off when I see people either under dressed or overdressed for the weather... I just wanna scream at them "WEAR A FUCKING COAT!!! IT'S TOO FUCKING COLD!!!"... alternately, I saw a woman on one of the hottest days of summer this year bundled up with a winter coat on with the hood up... I lost it... For some reason, it just really makes me angry... Anyway... Amy Winehouse needs to really fuck off... criminally insane hobos have more grace, tact and dignity than her at this point... whoa...


Unless you're a reasonably avid viewer of American Idol, you mightn't remember Jessica Sierra. She was the 10th place finisher on the 4th season - the season that pop-country juggernaut Carrie Underwood took the crown.

Well, bitch was arrested - AGAIN - for drunken, disorderly conduct in a bar earlier this week down in Tampa (GLAMOROUS!!!), Florida. Yes, again. This is the second arrest for disorderly conduct she's been busted on, and accordingly, the second mugshot out there which makes Sierra part of the elusive multiple-celebrity-mugshot club. She can now go to the meetings with Mickey Rourke and Lindsay Lohan and rub shoulders with them until they're raw.

Apparently she cut some dude with a glass. Then, when arrested, told the cop that she'd suck his dick if he didn't make her go to jail. Upon reluctant (I'd HAVE to imagine) refusal from the cop, she started calling the cop N-Bombs, F-Bombs and threatening to 'fuck [him] up'.

I remember when this bitch was on American Idol. The judges loved her for some reason. Simon predicted that the top 4 would be Carrie, Bo Bice, Constantine Maroulis and her. I found this flabbergasting. In part, because I thought that Vonzell "Vonzie" Solomon was outrageously underrated that season, but Constantine was the textbook definition of "douchebag" and Jessica Sierra was like any other cheap whore you'd find at a karaoke joint. And, I'm so resoundingly right about both estimations. So yay. Anyway - I HOPE THE BITCH FRIES! Throw her in the clink! The hooskow! Up the river! Etc... etc... etc... etc...



Secondly: Oh how the might have fallen. This is former "Knots Landing" stunner Joan Van Ark at some Hollywood function this past week.

Joan VAN Ark? More like Joan OF Arc mid-way being burned at the stake. Zowza.

Why the fuck would you leave your house like that? WHY? You know that bitch was totally like "well... maybe if I put a little concealer on... and put an eyebrow here... and an eye-lash there... no one will even notice!"... Yeah... EVERYONE NOTICES. HOLY FUCK!!!

It reminds me of this one night this past summer when I was sitting outside of Buddies with two friends of mine, Jess and April, and this dude walked in wearing a lavender polo that had been so severely bleached, half of it was clearly uneven white, and half of it was clearly mangled lavender. And he walked in with a look on his face like "maybe no one notices..." Yeah. EVERYONE NOTICED. Saying to yourself, "oh, no one will even notice!" is like saying "no offence" to someone before delivering an insult... THE OPPOSITE RESULT IS ALWAYS TRUE!

Too bad for Joan Van Ark that I'm not in her life to tell her that. On the plus side, I'm not in Joan Van Ark's life, so that's good for me.

In other news:

I don't who, if anyone, is following this current season of America's Next Top Model, but it's obviously that fucking Saleisha is going to win. Gah. Bitch is, at best, as pretty as one of the Cosby kids but she's got that urban spunk that Tyra Banks absolutely whacks off over. Every episode sets up this 'amazing progression' of hers from commercial girl to edgy, high-fashion model. BULLSHIT! She's a Cosby-kid with Rhianna's haircut! And to illustrate this, a picto-quation...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

That's all,

--- Aj

Friday, November 30, 2007

On attending the tale of Sweeney Todd/Some "Enchanted" Evening...

Heya muggles...

So I'm back in action now, and will be blogging furiously this week, and every week from this point on.

We're just gonna get right into it...

Today's blog is going to be about three reasonably zeitgeist-y productions I've taken in recently, and exactly what I thought about them:


Currently the tops at the box office, "Enchanted" is about a classic Disney princess, Giselle (played to perfection by Hollywood's newest and most interesting IT-girl, Amy Adams) who's ripped from her whimsical cartoon kingdom of heritage and thrust into modern-day New York City by the resident evil queen (Susan Sarandon... in a part that should have been played by Glenn "the jaw" Close... every evil female character ever should be played by Glenn Close... but that's neither here nor there...)

She's banished because she falls in love with the Evil Queen's stepson, Prince Edward (played by superfox James Marsden) who fears that Giselle will become queen and steal her throne. Determined to find his true love, Prince Edward transports himself into present day NYC and embarks on a wild goose chase to find her. This is all complicated by the fact that she's shacked up with a kindly divorce lawyer named Robert (played by Patrick Dempsey from Grey's), despite his better judgement.

Anyway - the whole thing is touted as a spoofy, farce-y, parody-y amalgam of every classic Disney fairytale involving a helpless, annoyingly wholesome damsel-type a-la Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, the list goes on and on and on... and it certainly is, for the first half of the film. It's very entertaining in that respect and for that time - seeing exactly how a cartoon princess would fare in present day New York all the while sending up fairy-tale conventions that we're all familiar with... yes.

The second half - and I can tell you EXACTLY where this begins... that fucking musical number in the middle of Central Park - is a different story. It turns into an actual kid's film. Which I was not prepared for at all. It completely lost its edge and turned into a paint-by-the-numbers fairy tale. For the last half-hour of the film, I don't think 30 seconds would go by without me turning to Yerxa next to me and whispering "Ug, well that's retarded..."

Being a kid's film, it was rife with logistical errors, which just drives me fucking nuts... as I'm somewhat of badge-carrying member of the logistic's police... among them:

- The first thing that had me scratching m'head: Where the balls did Prince Edward get money to buy that corned beef on rye sandwich? And various souvenirs? And pay for that hotel room (Furthermore - how did he know what a hotel was)? If Giselle didn't have any money, where the balls did he get it? Yes, since he's a prince, I can imagine he might have been carrying some gold coins, and I'll even go so far as to believe that his royal garments would be emerald and ruby-encrusted... still, one quick scene with him at a currency exchange/ruby appraisal kiosk would have made things that much more believable and that much less irksome for me.

- In the enormous musical number set in Central Park, entitled something like "How Will She Know" - which I just have enough problems with as it is, what with the fact that thousands of park-goers join in her choreographed number in the first place and think nothing of it, but I'll subscribe to that particular fantasy and stick to one gripe - in that song, she seems to speak-sing of a lot of dating/relationship nuances that wouldn't be factors in her native kingdom... "wearing a colour that will match her eyes" (cartoon's only have 1 outfit! That's a well-established fact!)... "dedicate a song to her" (on what radio station in your cartoon kingdom, asshole?)... and others... again... irksome...

- Idina Menzel was playing a winsome, romantic lead. WHAT THE BALLS WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? Giselle's wicked stepsister? I could certainly believe that. Bitchy salesgirl at Donna Karan who refuses to sell anything to Giselle a-la "Pretty Woman"? Totally could have played that. Kind-hearted garbage lady who points Giselle in the right direction of 37th street? Abbbsolutely. But not as the rival love-interest! I find her face so unusual... she has this really unappealing 'resting face' that she makes... what I mean by 'resting face', is the mug that she makes when she's not speaking or substantially reacting to other dialogue/action... it's this sneer or snarl or something... allow me to demonstrate:

Anyway... I enjoyed it enough, I guess. Amy Adams was frickin' amazing. Honestly... I can attest right here, right now that there have been two times this year that my pants have been charmed clear off me... once back in May, c/o this Norse fellow I met, and this particular night watching Amy Adams as Princess Giselle. She played everything heartbreakingly earnest and will no doubt be a lock for Best Actress, Comedy or Musical, come Golden Globes-time.

I don't know as if I'd watch it again, however. If I do, it'll ONLY to check out the deleted scenes to see if one of them shows Prince Edward visiting a currency exchange.

2.) SWEENEY TODD, live, at the Princess of Whales Theatre

Regarded as the holy grail of haute concept musical theatre, Sondheim's Sweeney Todd has a following amongst musical theatre nerds that borders on fetishistic. I can remember it was introduced to me via my first year drama teacher, Tim Fort, and that's precisely how I'd describe his fascination with it.

At any rate - it tells the tale of a famously talented barber Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street in turn-of-the-century Londontowne, who's back from a wrongfully-served stint in jail and vows revenge on the general population of London via slitting their throats when they're in his barber's chair. He's aided and abetted in this by his landlady Mrs. Lovett who turns their bodies into meat pies that are being gobbled up like hot cakes. That analogy would have been so much smoother if she had in fact baked them into hot cakes and not meat pies. OR if the expression was "they're selling like meat pies". Either/Or.

It was good. Not reeeally my thing - when I go to the musical theatre, I tend to be money-shot oriented... a-la flashy dance numbers and big black diva belting big notes like their life depended on it. This had neither. But it did have hot bitch Judy Kaye - pictured to the right. She played Mrs. Lovett, fresh off the heels of playing her on Broadway.

Do you know who Judy Kaye is? She's the original Carlotta from "Phantom of the Opera" - she won the Tony for that. So I automatically loved her for that fact alone. But she was pretty fierce and really funny. At the curtain call, everyone else in the cast was taking their bows very solemnly with a piercing stare and stiff upper-lip, and she comes flouncing out and does this grand curtsy, mouths "thank you" several times and waves to the balcony... I was like "LOVE HER!"...

What I didn't love was the fact that the entire cast was on stage for the ENTIRE show. And what's worse? They were supplying the instrumentation for the show... yes... the band was the cast, and the cast, the band... holy fuck. It was amazing, don't get me wrong. I just felt annoyed for the actors. I can remember when I was in my last year of high school, I was in a Sears Festival play (those of you who did drama in high school in Ontario know exactly what I'm talking about) called "10 Lost Years". Holy fuck. Wow.

It was a play about the depression in Canada. And it was called "10 Lost Years". Don't you just wanna fucking see it right now?! Ug. It was a play comprised of a bunch of random monologues and vignettes about depression life and featured an enormous (like, 25+) company of 15-18 year-old Brockvillian (read: uniformly white) youth, dressed like fucking hobos. And when we were not involved in a vignette or monologue, WE HAD TO STRIKE A TABLEAU IN THE BACKGROUND. Which means that for upwards to and including 20 minutes at a time, you could be frozen in a position pretending to read the newspaper or scrub something on a washing board. Have an itchy ball sack? Well it's gonna be a long evening for you my friend. It was excruciating.

Side note: In one of the performances of "10 Lost Years", a chair I was sitting on explosively collapsed and I was sent barrelling across the stage. It was hilarious. And I know that video footage of it exists somewhere - I recall Paul Roy captured it with his digital camera (what I have to assume was the first digital camera ever made, seeing as it was 2000)... I'd really like to see that shit...

Anyballs - THIS is why I felt so uncomfortable for the company of Sweeney Todd. I was like "AHHHH!!! THEY MUST BE SO BORED!!! I'd shoot myself in the head if I had to do that!". But I guess some people who are really committed to 'the craft' will do anything. I certainly wouldn't. This is why I'm not an actor. I couldn't care less about contributing to the effect of a tableau... alls I care about the applause and the star-fuckers. It's a good life.

So yeah... I think Sweeney's out of here soon... so go check it out before it flies the coop... or just go see the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp movie when it comes out... whatevs...

Thirdly: 2 GIRLS, 1 CUP


Make no mistake about it.

For the few, privelaged members of the human race who have not seen this, DON'T.

2 Girls, 1 Cup is the newest viral-video sensation sweeping the cyber-nation. It involves one girl full-tilt shitting into a cup, then sexily dining on it with her best girlfriend. Yeah.

I'm not sure how this became the sensation that it has. People involving their own fecal matter in sexual lisasons is nothing new - Scat porn has been around for quite some time. I'm not so sure why this one has taken off the way that it has. I'm going to have to assume it's because of how regular that chick is... that shiz came out of there like chocolate soft-serve... shoooot...

Anyway - just thought I'd mention it. I'll probably talk about it tonight, as I'm at the Rivoli and it's all-new material night, and I have no idea what I'm going to talk about.

Anyballs... smell ya later,

--- Aj

Friday, November 23, 2007

dalaS hctiB

Oy, muggles... I'm such an asshole... it's been WELL over a week...

And WHAT a week. Sorry I've been so MIA... in that I've been Missing In Action, not MIA as-in I'm an Indian female rap star (which I kind of am, so...)

As you may have gleamed, this past Tuesday saw the third installment of Bitch Salad bow. And what a bow! Does that even make sense? I'm just saying "WHAT a ____" emphatically for the sake of it. God, I'm such an asshole!... And what an asshole! ... I'll stop.

So I fully intended to make some sort of blog advertising that I had nude pictures of some actor or something as I normally do the day-of a Salad, but I didn't even have enough time to do THAT. It was intense.

Anyway - brief breakdown of the Bitches, a picture of them and I and what I said about them...

Firstly, Yerxa - who runs Front of House and introduces me before I go on (because if Bitch Salad is one thing, it's a family affair) - introduced me this evening as "Miss Golden Globes 2008"... which is funny, but a lot of people didn't get beyond it just sounding weird... the singular reason why it's funny is because that Miss Golden Globes 2008 has just been announced as being the unspeakably hideous Bruce Willis/Demi Moore collaboration, their eldest daughter Rumer Willis. Anyway...

Up first of the evening was Michelle Shaughnessy - whom I've known for like ever... well, not forever, but it kind of seems that way at this point... Anyway, it's kind of a habit (not a bad habit, per se, but not a good one either) of mine to talk about how long I've known friends of mine 'in the business' like I'm this 80-year-old former showgirl when in fact I've been 'in the business' for less than 2 years.

But I must subconsciously get off on doing that shit. It's actually nuts. So I pushed it full throttle and pretended to suck back a Viscount Mild (an old-lady cigarette, is my understanding) and was like "me and this gal go back to when we was both hoofers in the chorus back in the depression... turns out we share an ex-husband... OR 5... but alls well that ends well - one day we was sittin' next to each other at the slot machines and we just picked up where we left off..." - I was only sort-of kidding. I actually can't wait until I can say things like that for real. And I know that that's exactly what WILL happen to Michelle and I, specifically. See ya at the slots, Mich!

After Michelle's killer (albeit lengthy) set, I relayed an anecdote that Michelle had told me recently... a 'road story' of sorts that really illustrates the double-standard that women face in comedy... Michelle - whose act is very well-written and deals frankly with a whole whack of sexual topics - was on a gig recently with a headliner who's humour is renowned for ranging from demented to downright distasteful, and after the show, they're told "yeah... the girl was too dirty". A common gripe that female comics hear, when in fact they've been considerably tamer than their male counterparts. That actually gets me angry... and also fascinates me... You could say it angrinates me... much like the Fred Phelps' Army of Christians, but that's another blog for another time (hint: Next week! Yay!)...

Up next was Second City main stage mainstay, most recently seen on CTV's "Comedy Inc.", Aurora Browne.

Love, love, love, LOVE, love this girl. Met her pretty much exactly one year ago when she co-hosted the 'Cream of Comedy' gala and hit it off immediately. So comfortable were we, that - despite specific instructions by the producer's not to go into either her or other host Gavin Crawford's dressing rooms - I full-tilt used her bathroom. BUT SHE DIDN'T CARE BECAUSE WE'ZE JUST THAT FUCKING TIGHT, Y'ALL.

Yeah, she totally didn't know... but anyway - when I booked Aurora, who's a prolific sketch comedian and brilliant improviser, I asked her to do whatever solo piece she wanted to... somehow assuming that every improviser/sketch comedian had such a piece to execute on whim. I was wrong. DEAD WRONG. Well, not dead wrong... turns out this particular night would mark Aurora's standup debut. Which is just crazy. CRAZY! Anyway - it went famously. With guitar in hand, she literally riffed on a story involving feces (bum rain, anyone?) and abortion that would have made Sarah Silverman blush, Joan Rivers faint and well, let's not even talk about what it would do to Phyllis Diller. Whoa.

Anyway - at one point during the show I had made some joke about how I always circulate a memo amongst the comics to exclude any 'menses material' (which totally isn't true... well, that is to say it 'wasn't' true... it's totally getting put in place after this particular evening...), however, despite this rule, or perhaps in spite of this rule, Aurora went there. THERE. And following an impromptu protest by me in the back, she said something to the effect that I was spewed out of my mother's vagina in some bloody cyclone myself or something... to which my mother, conveniently present at this show, bolted up and hollered at me "That's not true! You can tell her you were born by C-Section!"...

And I did. And the jokes on who? Aurora Browne, that's who.

Up third was poster girl for MILF's everywhere, the divine, hilarious Shelley Marshall. I always describe Shelley as "Roseanne" from Roseanne meets "Karen Walker" from Will & Grace... and it's so true.

I entered Shelley to Li'l Mama's "Lip Gloss" - y'know, thinking she was really sassy and peppy and fierce and that song was also really sassy and peppy and fierce and ohhhh it was just a perfect combination. The first thing out of Shelley's mouth as soon as she gets on stage: "What the FUCK is this music? I don't know that fucking song!" Anyway... that showed me...

Shelley powered through an unbelievably tight set, as per usual and earned the invisible trophy of being my momz' favourite act of the night, as a matter of fact. Which speaks well on both of them... I think.

The next act of the night is one of my favourite comics-nay-PEOPLE in the universe... Miss Sara Hennessey...

Sara is the only "Sara" I know who doesn't spell her name with an "H" at the end, I think. They're very hard to come by. Like flying squirrels, or white tigers, or certainly white flying squirrels with stripes reminiscent of a tiger.

I remember Sara first came to my attention - and I can't even believe I remember/saw this, but I do/did - when she was profiled alongside two other 'up & coming' comedians as part of CTV's documentary/news magazine show called W5.

The story was on Humber Comedy School and a young, plucktacular Sara Hennessey was in her first semester, first year.

The show followed these three around - witnessing their pitfalls and getting a lot of definitive, serious quotes like "I know I'm gonna make it... this is my destiny" and shit.

I can't remember too much about her besides that I thought she was very interesting... and they also showed her at the Rivoli one night bombing and seeking counsel backstage from Jason Rouse. And then he pooped on her head or something like that crazy, foxy fellow Rouse would do.

Anyballs, Sara has reeeeally blossomed in the past couple of years. I just adore her style. Anyone who's seen her can tell you - it's conversational, and absurd, yet not crazy. She's very in control but not at all theatrical. It's really hard to describe but I absolutely love her style and her humour and can't think of anyone else I've ever seen like her. ANYBALLS - she killed it! KILLED it! Fucking fantastic and just a delight for me to see ---

Next up we had our running character piece c/o Kirsten Gallagher. This time around: Twiggy. Yes. Coming to dish on the finals of America's Next Top Model, Cycle 9, currently down to it's final 4 (but final 6 at this time last week). And MY OH MY wasn't that fucking timely, what with Twiggy announcing her departure from the show and all... to be replaced by Paulina Poriskova-a.k.a.-WHOTHEFUCK? Yeah. Anyway...

Final act of the night was one of my most favourite human beings in the history of molecules - LAURIE ELLIOTT!!!

God DAMN I love this woman. You'd be very hard-pressed to find someone in comedy that doesn't. She's one of the foremost comedians in Canada - she's won virtually every award given to comics in this country, a mainstay on every television show that features comics in this country and just an incredible, adorable, innovative live act that everyone should see.

Beyond that - she's also one of the nicest people you'll ever meet in your life... I oft - YES, OFT - relay this anecdote about her: Ages ago, back in the bad ol' days when I used to bus up from Kingston (when I was at Queens) to Toronto to do the odd open-mic gig, I did this room called "The Pirate Video Cabaret", which was at Clintons. I think this might have been like my third time on stage in Toronto or something... anyway, Laurie was hosting this particular night, so it was my first time meeting her, natch. I'm sure I talked her ear off and was my typical overeager-nay-insufferable self with zeal shooting out of every known hole in/on my body, but she was just effortlessly patient and nice to me. I was on first - I had never been on first before - and after she did her requisite MC preamble, she introduced me... I'll never forget it: "Our first guest of the evening, I've never seen him before, but I get a really good vibe off of him... please welcome Andrew Johnston!"... I came on, bursting with energy (that was my thing), doing the same 7 minutes that I'd done to reasonably warm reception at every previous open-mic I'd done... and bombed. BOMBED. Wow. My Lai stylez. It was nuts. It was 7 minutes of silence. To get a feel for what that's like, I implore you - tomorrow, corral 3 or so people around you, instruct them to remain entirely silent, set your watch, and go "Blah blah blah" for 7 minutes. Yeah. Anyway...

I slinked out of there feeling EXACTLY like Bridget Jones did from that Tarts 'N Vicor's party in the first cinematic installment of her adventures. [Editor's Note: I was also going to draw comparison to Elle Woods' similar scenario in "Legally Blonde", but she got to deliver a clever burn to Selma Blair's character before she left, thereby redeeming herself. There was no redemption in my case.] Anyway, as I was slinking away, Laurie grabbed me, told me 'good set' (LIES!!!!) and said it was good to meet me. She totally didn't need to do that - God knows I avert my gaze whenever I pass by someone who hasn't done well - but she did. And my little amateur comic self appreciated that immeasurably.

Anyway - that's partly why I love Laurie. Even though she did menses material... She reminisces about jumping up and down on her bed singing along to Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money" (why I didn't enter her to this, I don't know) and then suddenly realizes she got her period for the first time... I let it slide...

Following the show, we went out for karaoke at Crews.

This was made especially special due to the company that accompanied us. [Editor's Note: Could I actually not think of adjectives and verbs that didn't contain fragments of themselves within themselves? My God. I'm going insane. I blame the exorbitant amount of sheep embryos I've been breakfasting on lately, but that's neither here nor there...]

Most especial of all? ASHLEIGH JEFFREY! To the small handful of you who know who she is that read this: YES! ASHLEIGH JEFFREY IS ALIVE! She's married, teaching high school drama in Barrie AND has a fucking KID! NUTS! Ashleigh played the Narrator in the production of "Rocky Horror" that I was in back when I was in first year at Queen's... so nigh on SEVEN years ago this spring. Fuck.

I had been trying to track her down for years, but 0.0 people had her contact info. It was actually terrifying. I thought I would have to hire a private detective whose services had been used by the likes of Montell Williams or something... but, thanks to the wonder and glory of Facebook, we reconnected. So good to see her. SO good. She's fucking brilliant - one of the funniest and most talented people I've ever met... and apparently could have used the night out - she was the life of the party at Crews! Let me tell ya...

Although the official life of the party award had a few people vying for it...

Among them, Dini D - who did me both the pleasure and the honour of singing a revisionist take on Barry Manilow's "Mandy" to me, entitled simply, "Andy"... it was one of the highlights of my year and I'm not even kidding...

Here's Dini D, Me and Kitty stealing the signature armpit pose right from under that filthy bastard Beyonce's nose... and arm pits... whatever...

Other karaoke selection highlights of the evening, if memory serves, came in the form of Heidi flavouring us with "Jimmy Ray" (who wants to know? Remember that song? It was awesome!), me recounting the parable of "McArthur Park" and of course, Ashleigh's rousing rendition of "Groove Is In The Heart".

I would be remiss, however, if I did not make mention of Michael Yerxa's tribute to the men and women of IATSE - the official union of Broadway stagehands - when he took to the stage and delivered a heart wrenching version of "Under The Sea" from The Little Mermaid to them and their cause.

It was magical.


That's about it.

I'm sorry I've dropped the ball about blogging of late.

I promise to not only pick up the ball, but squeeze it firmly and jostle it tenderly-yet-sensationally in my mouth for the yuletide season.

I'm working on some sort of "12 Blogs of Christmas" type-thing... it should be festive... and more importantly, exclusive to those of you who celebrate Christmas. SNAP!


Tomorrow: I saw "Enchanted" and "Sweeney Todd" (the live musical, currently on at the Princess of Whales... not the movie... which I certainly won't be seeing after seeing the live show... but that's precisely what I'll be talking about tomorrow...)

Only 4 Models Remain,

--- Aj

Monday, November 19, 2007

Nobody Puts Aj In The Corner...

Really? REALLY? Is that the best that I could come up with? Really... hmmm...

Heya muggles... long time no see... this is the blog that I've been trying/intending to write since last fucking Thursday but for one reason or another 12, haven't been able to...


Wednesday night saw a small but effective sendoff for none other than everyone's dear friend, Aaron Kyte. Kyte rolls in the hustle and bustle world of regional musical theatre, and shipped his ass off to the Maritimes where he's in yet another production of "Anne of Green Gables" or SOMETHING maritime-y like that...

Good times --- We all sat around and tallied our lists of sexual partners so far in the '07 and each and every one of us (except for this lone engaged dude in the group) turned out to be far over our initial estimations. Highlight of this was when one April Wozniak needed to call her roommate to crunch some numbers she wasn't sure of... apparently, Wozniak has a sexual accountant. We should all be so lucky.

It's funny because in heterosexual scenarios of compiling a list of sexual partners that's surprisingly high, straight men would make their list, embellish it to high Haiti and dispense high fives and back-patting amongst each other, whereas straight women would shed a single tear, cross their legs, shotgun another glass of Baby Duck and repeat to themselves in their head, "WHO'S GOING TO LOVE ME WHEN I'M OLD?!?!?!"

Gay dudes (and their gay male friends trapped in a woman's body) are somewhere in the middle of that. I can't say there's not high fives and back-patting, but I can't say there's this overwhelming sense of accomplishment either... weird...

Anyballs, I think at some point someone said "story of my life" - that's the only way I can reason this coming up - and the whole "let's title the story of our lives as if they were made-for-TV-movies on the Lifetime: Television for Women network!" conversation came up.

Long time followers of this blog might recall a post I made over a year ago when, inspired by seeing advertisements for "Life Is Not A Fairytale: The Fantasia Barrino Story", I casted my own Lifetime biopic, entitled "The Weight of Whimsy: The Andrew Johnston Story", and stocked the film with Lifetime regulars playing key people in my life. I don't recall any of my friends being terribly happy about their casting decisions... they'd all be like "Joaquin Phoenix should play me! Scarlett Johanssen should play me!" and I'm like "Number A.) Yeah, you reeeally overestimate how attractive you are and B.) I don't have Joaquin Phoenix or Scarlett Johanssen money! The reason that I cast you as Gabrielle Carteris is because that's all I can afford!".

Anyway, I think I turned this into a bit at some point (and promptly dropped it because it just wasn't working) whose 'punchline' revolved around naming Jeffrey Dahmer's hypothetical Lifetime biopic "The Heart Wants What It Wants: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story"... and then when I'd get groans for the audience, I'd scold them and say "Hey! You don't know what was going on inside his head... ... or his heart..." and I'd find it entirely entertaining because I'm thoroughly demented but others didn't and obla di obla da...

So yes. We revisited this idea on Wednesday night, and sniffed that Lifetime regular Meredith Baxter-Birney would be cast as Jeffrey Dahmer because bitch is in EVERYTHING Lifetime produces. Then I said I'd photoshop what that would look like - WHICH I TOTALLY DID TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT - and voila... I found a new, more effective way to photoshop people's faces onto things... and I just can't fucking get enough of it, let me tell ya... I honestly can't go half an hour without putting one of my friends' faces on someone else's body... it's disgusting and I might need help... but that's neither here nor there...

Following this biopic conversation, an interesting question was posed to the group: Would you have gone home with Jeffrey Dahmer? Because he wasn't unattractive - many serial killers aren't. Don't quote me, but I recall that Ted Bundy was a pussy magnet-nay-pussy electro-magnet.

Anyway, we all concluded that we totally would have gone home with Jeffrey Dahmer. And we got into specifics, too, as to how it would all play out. I was like, in dead earnestness, "Well, I wouldn't have gone up to him, he would have had to come up to me, because I'm kinda a shy. And like, I wouldn't really be that responsive to him at first because I'm sure I'd have other options to entertain - he'd be like my Plan C for the night. But then if he was like 'hey, are you on Video On Trial? You're really funny.' BAM!" There y'have it. I would have gone home with Jeffrey Dahmer and all that would be left of one Andrew Johnston would be my pickled genitals encased in a jar of preservational acid in the D-Bomb's pantry. It's just that simple.

So that was gruesome, and that was Wednesday.

Thursday I attended the North American premiere of "Dirty Dancing" - the classic movie adapted for the stage, presented by Mirvish Productions, whom I work for. Did I like it? Did I not like it? It really doesn't matter what the fuck I think because as long as I am under the employ of David Mirvish, every bead of sweat that comes off the man's brow is genius as far as I'm concerned.

Anyballs... I had never seen the movie before - I know, I know... it just never appealed to me. I knew of the iconic scenes, though... the lift, the armpit tickle, the crawling thing, the line "nobody puts baby in the corner", of course I knew of the Bill Medley/Jennifer Warnes classic "I Had The Time Of My Life"... but what I DIDN'T know was that the catalyst for this entire movie was this one bitch needing time off to go git' an abo'. And no one else could cover for her. So really, Frances "Baby" Houseman owes her entire self-actualization to Penny's aborted fetus. Butterfly effect? YOU decide!

The after-party was another deal all together. Holy fuck. Held at Circa, it was the open-est bar in the history of open bars. Holy fuck. I'm really looking forward to the day that I can go to an open bar and merely wet my whistle as opposed to drowning my horn, as it were... because y'all, I'm still rockin' the restraint of my 18-year-old self at these things. Wow. Anyway, it was fun. From what I remember. Unfortunately, I really can't remember much beyond talking to this woman from The Russian/Jewish Times (picture Golde from "Fiddler on the Roof"... yeah) and it is just beyond me how I got home that night. Whoosh.

Friday was a black hole of a day. You know when you get so obscenely hammered and should have puked but didn't so instead it feels like you've been on raft in the middle of an angry sea for decades? That was me. I don't know how I did it, but I went into work, ailing like I can't remember. And then slept soundly from 5 PM that day to 11 AM the next.

Saturday was quite uneventful as well - we went to some party at my friends' new bf's place. Then left it. Then made last call at Buddies. It was quite a motley crew there, unsurprisingly.

Last night was a first for me. In a few respects.

I was at Yuk's last night to play for some dude's PENSION party. Yes. His name was Bob, he had turned 65 and was receiving his pension. And I was on the bill to entertain him. Ha-Cha-Cha. So the entire set that I wanted to do was thrown clear out da winda, and I had to improvise.

Thank GOD I checked DListed that day and remembered one of the Birthday sluts who had also turned 65 that very day. I have a bit where I ask if it's anyone's birthday, then tell them who they share a birthday with and say I was it on Entertainment Tonight Canada and then do a bit on that - whatever... the important thing is that I had ONE morsel of common interest dialogue with this pension celebration. I was like "Bob, do you know who you share the EXACT same birthday with? None other than star of "Dynasty", Linda Evans. She too, turns 65 years young today."

And this got a fucking applause break. For real - it was BIG NEWS for these people. And I was like "I think I can safely say that this was the one and only time that dropping Linda Evans' name will have ever resulted in applause at Yuk Yuk's..." Anyway. It was hilarious to me.

But what's gonna be hilarious to YOU?!

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Tickets are $7 and available at the door. I'd show up early. Like AT 8. I have a lingering suspicion that seating is going to be an issue tomorrow. Hmmm...

Anyway - see you tomorrow night! Yay!

--- Aj

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