Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Give me a 9... Give me an 0... Give me a 2...

Hey HEY Hey.

I hope you understood how the inflection of that was supposed to go, because t'was supposed to be sassy.

So whoop-dee-whoop it's September, traditionally, when new shows premiere and all that junk.

Every year, I give two new shows a chance. This year, my bets are/were hedged on:

A.) Hole In The Wall - Yep. It's exactly what it says. Contestants stand on a big foam platform, a wall comes at them with a predetermined shape cut out that the contestant needs to try and assimilate their body to, or else they're dunked in lava.

Or something like that. To the surprise of no one, it's inspired by a Japanese Game Show of roughly the same name, although I'd have to bet the words "Super" and "Happy" and
"Fun" are also somewhere in the Japanese title.

Anyballs... I'm mainly watching it to see this one contestant who was featured on the promos - a hefty, hefty black lady, who, as soon as she saw the hole she'd have to fit through (one far smaller and more contorted than she could ever hope to fit through), exclaimed, "Dayumn Dayumn Dayumn!!!" AMAZING!

So that's one...

2.) The NEW 90210

Yep. Saw it last night. Meh.

The main reason that I watched it was because I was a super fan of it back in the early 90's, and hastily discontinued my watching it as soon as Shannen Doherty departed, thinking it was donesville. Well I was wrong about that. It lasted for quite some time after that, boasting future double Oscar-winner Hilary Swank, to boot. But it was never the same without ShanDoh...

Anyballs, last night, lured like a moth to a flame by the return of Shannen Doherty to Beverly Hills High like so, so many others, I tuned in.

The premise: Rob Estes (who's inching towards busted, sorry to say) and Lori Laughlin (who I don't think has ever NOT played a MILF in her entire career) are moving their daughter Annie (played by Torontonian Shenae Grimes... who we can only assume is directly related to prominent travel correspondent Judy Grimes... ) and their adopted black son Dixon (who played some dude named Tristan somethingorother who was on The Wire and will also be starring alongside Dakota Fanning and Jennifer Hudson in The Secret Life of Bees, premiering RIGHT HERE at the Toronto Film Festival!) migrate from Kansas City to Beverly Hills to live with their grandmother, played by Jessica "Lucille Bluth" Walters - a boozing, cougar-esque former film star.

So yes, once again, it's bumbling country mice venturing into the glamorous and treacherous big city. Drama and life lessons ensue.

The show seems very focused on Annie... who I guess would be the "Brenda" of this go around. And thus far her trek seems very akin to Lindsay "Cady Herron" Lohan from Mean Girls. She arrives at the school, and one of the first people she meets is arty weirdo Silver (a-la Janis in Mean Girls) who she eventually ditches for queen bee Naomi (a-la Regina in Mean Girls) and wouldn't you know it... arty weirdo Silver and queen bee Naomi used to be best friends in a past life but had a huge falling out and both have axes to grind... blah blah blah SO MEAN GIRLS!!!

Anyballs... some thoroughly ridiculous shit happens... Naomi has a 'not-so-sweet 16 party'... which is preposterous, as the actress who plays Naomi - AnnaLynne McCord - isn't in any remote realm light years away from being able to play 15... for real, the bitch looks older than Jessica Walter... and Jessica Walter is playing a Nana, y'all...

Also, at one point, Annie goes on a date with some outrageously dreamy guy who's in the school musical with her named - predictably - Ty... on a private plane... to San Francisco. Yes.

Then when Lori "Aunt Becky" Loughlin busts her on it, she's like "Mom! That's what kids here do! They go to San Fracisco on private planes!" Awful. Awful awful awful.

And anutha thang - since when did kids get computers attached to their desks?!?! Maybe that's just a Bev Hills thing BUT STILL.

Anyballs... Time has been kind to Jennifer "Kelly Taylor" Garth - she looks great. She's now a guidance councillor at Bev Hills High, after the fashion industry proved too superficial for her - a situation that many have found themselves in, no doubt. She's totally going to bounce on top one of the teachers, if he doesn't bounce on top of the actress bitch who's addicted to pills first.

Speaking of actress bitches who are/were addicted to pills, I'm not going to pretend that I didn't involuntarily squeal with delight when Brenda appeared. I felt things come full circle, and now I have my peace with 90210. Because I'm sure as balls not watching that swill again.

Anyballs... tonight - THERE'S A TRANNY ON 90210!!!!!!!


Until tomorrow,

--- Aj