Hope this finds you well.
This past weekend's been kind of a bust... mainly because of the assfucking snow. Snow isn't that bad, but it's the slush that kills me. Slush needs to go. Can someone do something about that? Thanks.
Soooo... it was a fight to the finish, but the honours of Bitch YOU Loved In January goes to........ CAROL CHANNING!!! [Pictured, below, in her ode to Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation"]
Based primarily on her riveting performance of "Jam Tomorrow, Jam Yesterday", C-Chan toppled rock goddess Pat Benatar, gladiatrix HeLLga and brilliant comedy duo Julie Klausner and Jackie Clarke... what a delightful treat the same week that she turns 85-years young! [For real... January 31st is Carol Channing's birthday... 8fucking5 years old, y'all!]
Earning the distinction of Bitch YOU Hated In January is none other than Xenu's number-1 boy-beav, Tom Cruise. It was neck-and-neck with Poopie Pants Jean Mansel until the bitter end, and although they officially tied, I retracted my vote for Jean Mansel thereby evening things up.
Based primarily on the fact that he's basically willed his own downfall with a boner for Scientology that keeps sprouting more veins almost daily, Tom Cruise is not longer the Top Gun with All The Right Moves but instead Far & Away from The Colour of Money that comes from making good movies NOT starring Scientologist freaks... it's pretty Risky Business if y'ask me... phew... that was exhausting... I need a Cocktail... ... ... um... ... Magnolia?
B'aaanyways... THAT'S THE PAST! ON WITH THE FUTURE!!!
BITCH I LOVE THIS WEEK
Who: French-Canadian chanteuse as legendary for her killer mezzo-soprano belt as she is her panache, zeal, bonhomie, feistiness, cocksuredness and joie de vivre.
Why I Love Her This Week: Okay. I was never a Celine Dion-guy. I always found her to be a female Michael-Bolton-type. I was much more a Whitney Houston-guy... maintaining that Whit has more edge, which I still hold true. But my appreciation for Celine - much like black olives and port wine - has acquired in my young adult years. Beyond the fact that she's the picture of endurability - in image, performance and especially voice... in fact, I dare say that she's stronger now in those three departments than she's ever been - bitch has been singin' like it's her last time on stage every night for the past 20-some-odd years. Plus, everyone knows, if there's one thing that I'ze loves... it's a crazy bitch... and Celine Dion has earned her crazy points in the clip montage below...
Yes. "I dedicate this song to all the parents of the world... and all the children of the world..."
Celine Dion - Je t'aime.
BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK
Who: 35-year-old "Evil" Lesbian convicted of beating her 23-year old lover's toddler son, Yiovanni, to death in a drunken rage after he soiled himself in hopes that it would teach him a thing or two about advanced potty training. [Not actually a picture of Carmen Molina... just another mugshot of a random chick named "Carmen" that I found on mugshots.com, but it'll serve this purpose mighty fine...]
Why I Hate Her: Way to give surly Hispanic lesbians a WORSE rap, Carmen... or should I say CarMAN! What are you gonna do bitch? Come to m'house, drunk of y'ass full'a malt liquor 'n Cognac and beat me after I soiled myself? Well, it's a little too late for that, senorita.
SONG OF THE WEEK
We all have those "HOW THE FUCK DID THIS NOT BECOME A HUGE HIT" files, don't we? Songs on albums we've purchased that we're all just individually confounded did not become number 1 anthems? I think we do.
My love affair for this song began in 2004 when I stumbled on it upon downloading Kelis' 2004 release, Tasty. This move was primarily influenced by her devastatingly awesome hit song, "Milkshake".
How could anything be as good as that song you ask? Well, lightning did indeed strike twice with the song "In Public".
Featuring her then-boyfriend, now-husband Nas, Kelis gave a melodic voice to all y'all freaks out there who like mashing your bangers together in public places where others can see...
Choice lyric of the song: "The pussy or the mouth, that is the question / Like shakespeare but my erection is the case here / I ain't got time to drive you all the way home / But instead i can slide you to a club bathroom or a resturant mens' room / Then I can zoom in your womb"
Download/Listen to it HERE!
Dedicating this to all the parents and all the children of the world,