Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Confessions of a Penis-Toe

Hey everybody...

[said as mopely as possible]

So it's fucking broken. BROKEN. And there's only one universal treatment for broken toes (except for the big one... since something like %50 of your body's weight falls on it, it requires a cast and crutches) which is ice the bitch, stay off the bitch as much as necessary and suck it the fuck up, bitch.

MmmmmHmmmm. And do you know how long this bullshit is supposed to last for?! UPWARDS TO AND INCLUDING (but not limited to) FOUR MOTHERFUCKING WEEKS!!! That's right... I'm going to be hobbling at tortoise speed for quite sometime... and you can forget gayin' it up... well, actually, you can really forget doing anything that requires walking for more than 50 paces.
So as you can imagine, I'm terribly pleased with this situation.

The toe itself looks less like a cock, but a cock nonetheless. I can't tell you how much fucking stand up I'm doing in the coming weeks that this is going to absolutely en-feeble me for... I honestly have to imagine I'll have to do it in sock feet... fuck...

I'm not a very good cripple, as you can tell.

Whatevs... I'm over it... well that's a complete lie - you full blown know that this blog is going to transform itself into some fucking "wounded toe journal" for the next month... oh well...

I missed doing a Top 10 last week. And, seeing as this is the first night of finals on American Idol, season 7, I thought I'd do a 'down that I've been wanting to do for quite sometime...

Here's my Top 10 [Non-Obvious] Greatest Performances in the History of Idol!!!

Qualifier: When I say non-obvious, that's what I mean. I guess I could have also used to term "unappreciated" or "underrated" instead... Basically what I mean is that there will be no mention of the obvious high-points like Carrie Underwood doing "Alone" or Fantasia doing "Summertime" or Blake Lewis doing "You Give Love A Bad Name" or Constantine doing "Bohemian Rhapsody"... none of those universally lauded performances - this list is meant to make you go "oh yeah... that's right... that was good..."

And we Begineth [Paltrow]...

10.) Carrie Underwood - "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All"

Who: Winner, Season 4
What: Top 3 week, Carrie's personal pick
Why: If you could give a physically depressed vagina a microphone, it would sing "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" by Air Supply. This is the song that so many high school seniors lost their virginity to in the back of a van back in 1983. I was understandably sceptical when I heard that every one's favourite robotic Rodeo princess would be tackling this, but to my shock, awe, pleasure and delight - she turned this shit out. Carrie fucking wrestled this beast to the ground, hog-tied it and ripped its heart out of its chest. After she held that last note for a week and a half, THAT is when I was convinced she'd be the most successful Idol alum ever.
Obvious Alternative: Billboard Number 1's, "Alone" by Heart

9.) Paris Bennett - "These Foolish Things"

Who: 5th Place, Season 5
What: Her rendition of the Billie Holiday classic on "Great American Songbook" night.
Why: Paris' ability to channel jazz legends right down to the most particular affectation was downright chilling. As in holy fuck y'all, somebody call da Ghostbustas. No where else was this applied more beautifully than this tingle-inducing performance that charmed the pants off of even the one, the only, Rod Stewart. And if it's good enough for Rod Stewart, it's good enough for you MOTHERFUCKER!
Obvious Alternative: Her initial audition, "Take Five"

8.) Kimberley Locke - "Home"

Who: 3rd place, Season 2
What: Stephanie Mills classic from the movie "The Wiz" on movie night
Why: First things first: I love Kimberley Locke. She's very overlooked when it comes to successful Idol alum, actually. She's had 7 Top 10 hits (yes, on the Adult Contemporary chart... but three of those went to Number 1), sold oodles of albums and has a massive gay following thanks to a love affair with the remix and a willingness to play each and every gay pride festivity that will have her. Anyballs - although it took her a while to find her footing in Season 2, she was well on her way when she belted out this mega-theatrical power ballad. They way that she can effortlessly control that fucking wrecking ball of a voice of hers is truly commendable - I always thought she sounded like Daphne Rubin-Vega in power-balladeer form.
Obvious Alternative: "New York State of Mind" on Billy Joel night

7.) Bo Bice - "Drift Away"

Who: 2nd place, Season 4
What: First performance, first week of semi-finals, first time that Bo had been shown singing
Why: Back in Season 4, it was established that there were two 'rockers' (read: two contestants with long hair). The heavily pimped producer's pet, Constantine Maroulis, and some other scraggly dude quirkily named Bo Bice. No one had any idea who he was or what his deal was - until he busted out this little ditty and got everyone to clap above their hands excitedly in unison. An underdog was born... ... .... (and then died, as everyone knows that he eventually succumbed to Season 4's eternal front runner, Carrie Underwood, who has continued to dwarf him in the real world...)
Obvious Alternative: The hauntingly acapella "In A Dream", Bo's choice on Top 3 night

6.) Diana DeGarmo - "Don't Cry Out Loud"

Who: 2nd Place, Season 3
What: Clive Davis' pick, Top 3 night
Why: Say what you will about Diana DeGarmo and her swinelike qualities (well, Muppet-style swinelike qualities) but after she sang every last trace of shit out of this Melissa Manchester classic, no one could argue that she couldn't sing. Humorous: Imagine throwing her off a building on that last note... "Remember You Almost Had It Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll..."
Obvious Alternative: "Turn The Beat Around" on Disco/Donna Summer night

Palette Cleanser: Haley Scarnato - "If My Heart Had Wings"

WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't know why I hate this song/find it so hilarious, but I just do.

5.) Vonzell Solomon - "I'll Never Love This Way Again"

Who: 3rd Place, Season 4
What: Clive Davis' pick on Top 3 Night
Why: Is it absolutely just me, or was Vonzie the most underrated contestant in American Idol history? Like, really - is it just me or is/was this bitch just as talented as Beyonce? Like really - she was fucking fierce. She could sing the shit out of anything, she was gorgeous and ferociously personable. I don't get why a bigger deal was never made about her... and reeeally don't get why she's gone on to do absolutely nothing since... oh well... Anyway - on her swan song, Vonzie worked the shit out. Like for realsies - I find that to be a master class in singing. Bonus points for the Brenda Dickson-style reveal at the beginning...
Obvious Alternative: "Best Of My Love" on Billboard Number 1's week

4.) Clay Aiken - "Unchained Melody"

Who: 2nd Place, Season 2
What: Clay's pick, Top 3 night
Why: No secret: I'm not achin' for Aiken. I find him to be a deplorable hot mess who needs to keep his mouth shut and his skanky dick in his pants and out of the unprotected assholes of AWOL marines. But his take on this Righteous Brothers classic was devastating...
Obvious Alternative: "Bridge Over Troubled Water"... or "Somewhere Out There"... or fucking "Solitaire"... or one of the million other power ballads he sang to death...

3.) Kelly Clarkson - "Without You"

Who: Winner, Season 1
What: Judge's pick, Top 3 Night
Why: The original Idol with the platinum pipes, Kelly did a note-for-note perfect rendition of this Foreigner/Mariah Carey gem that proved exactly how world class the bitch is and was. AND - this was back when Idol was run super-sketchily and they were all being overworked beyond belief and their voices were cracking and they were being rushed to the hospital for dehydration and shit! These new Idols don't even know!
Obvious Alternative: "Natural Woman" on 60's night

2.) Fantasia - "What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life"

Who: Winner, Season 3
What: Second selection, Big-Band Night
Why: Perfection, anyone? This was a fucking Oscar-worthy performance, if y'ask me. Of a song I'd never heard before, but fell in love with instantly after watching Tasia absolutely murder it. Really, there wasn't anything that Fantasia did do that wasn't considerably better than what ya usually see on that show, though. And it absolutely makes my head spin to think that she had to learn all these songs phonetically. Holy fuck.
Obvious Alternative: Uhhh, "Summertime", obviously






1.) Jennifer Hudson - "Share Your Love With Me"

Who: 7th Place, Season 3-cum-Oscar Winner
What: Initial Audition
Why: I remember back in Season 3, I was in 4th year University. It was my final semester and I was in the finishing stages of a Queen's Players show I was directing and the middle of a sort-of long-distance relationship with this dude in Toronto. We would tele-conference nearly every night, and, of course, one of the hot topics was American Idol. At this exact point, they were still in the middle of countless audition episodes. I think they'd just shown William Hung or something. I can remember coming home that night, calling him - not having seen the night's episode yet - and the first thing out of his mouth was "there was a big black lady on tonight you're going to like very much". Truer words have never been spoken. From the second this bitch opened her mouth, I knew. And she has yet to disappoint.
Obvious Alternative: "Circle Of Life" on Elton John week

And then of course tonight, it begins again.


I'm off...

Please - whatever you do - be good to your toes,

--- Aj