Monday, December 31, 2007

Top 10 Bitches I Loved This Year...

Hey muffins...

I hope and trust that everyone's holiday season was ass-rockin'. But that's just me. Always hopin' and trustin'. Y'know...

So sorry for not blogging in an ungodly 10 days. Of course I will resolve to blog more in the new year, but who ever knows.

So this is it. Last day of '07. And what a fucking year. Initially I intended to make a blog detailing the Top 10 Bitches that I loved AND hated this year, but the list of hated ones was just really dark and not at all funny. Britney Spears topped it, natch. But I just found myself recounting a ton of shit that you can easily read about in any year-end wrap-up in any entertainment section of any news site/publication and then talking about how's she's severely mentally ill and needs help. Bah. Joan Van Ark and her busted face was in there, too. I think that was about as funny as it got.

Anyway - without further adieu, I present to you, my dearest reader, THE TOP 10 BITCHES I LOVED IN '07!!!


Who: 70-year-old Welsh chanteuse renowned for her saucy stage presence, tumpet-y voice and being the go-to-girl back in the 60’s for basically every James Bond film’s theme song… “You Only Live Twice”, “Diamonds Are Forever”, “Goldfinger”… in more recent years, Ms. Bassey gained relevance as the singer on the Propellerhead’s hit, “History Repeating”.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: I don’t throw the phrase “STILL GOT IT!” around too, too often – but I’ll gladly use it in reference to this lady in the big, bad ’07. It kicked off way back in March when Jordin Sparks sang “I (Who Have Nothing)” on American Idol during British Invasion week and culminated in her latest, and perhaps, greatest release, “Get This Party Started”. She does a bunch of trip-hop-y and acid-jazz-y versions/covers of her past hits and then some. Yes – trip-hop and acid-jazz aren’t two of the most current genres to be working in, but considering that yer Aretha Franklin’s and Dionne Warwick’s current attempts to sound contemporary end up resembling a Boyz II Men demo from 1993, I think sufficient pats-on-the-back for Ms. Bassey are in order. That, and of course, FUCKING LOOK AT THIS WOMAN! She’s still a super-fox and sounds better than she ever has at 70 years old! Balls!


Who: Born Brendan McDaniel, Candis Cayne became a popular New York nightlife personality (as most drag queens, tranny's, ladyboys, boyladys, and the like do) and won countless pageants dedicated to such characters. She can currently be seen as William Baldwin's tranny mistress on ABC's "Dirty Sexy Money" - the first MtF tranny playing an MtF tranny on the teevee.

Why I Loved Her in ‘07: The first [openly]* transgendered actress on primetime television, Ms. Cayne marks an important first in both television and GLBT history. *In a recent interview with Next Magazine, Ms. Cayne alluded to the fact that there have been other Trans actresses who have transitioned smoothly and currently headline big Hollywood films. WHO THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT WHO THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT WHO THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?!?!?! My bets: Hilary Swank, Jennifer Aniston and Judge Mabeline.


Who: Bancroft, Ontario native turned darling of the alternative comedy scene and nominee for the 2006 Tim Sims Encouragement Fund.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: Okay, Desiree sort of represents an amalgam of every female comedian that’s done Bitch Salad this year – Dini Dimakos, The Black Roses, Katherine Ryan, Trevor Boris, Sabrina Jalees, Katie Crown, Jo-Anna Downey, Nicole Arbour, Jillian Thomas, Dana Alexander, Michelle Shaughnessy, Aurora Browne, Shelley Marshall, Sara Hennessey, Laurie Elliott and of course, the Des-meister – and my absolutely unending love for each of them individually… the kicker which gets Ms. Lavoy a personal mention is that her joke – “I stepped in shit the other day. But at least now my shoes match my bag… my COLOSTOMY bag! HE-EEE-EY!” – has been a staple conversation piece in my circle since we heard it.


: Boisterous singer and limey comedienne who rocketed to stardom back in the late 60’s alongside Goldie Hawn, Lily Tomlin and Ruth Buzzi as part of the ensemble of Rowan & Martin’s “Laugh-In”. Ms. Worley later re-relevantized (not a word, but you get it) herself to my generation as the voice of ‘Hoppopotamus’ on The Wuzzles.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: So many reasons to love this woman. She’s been playing the part of Mama Rose in Gypsy since she was a teen. Her outrageous boas, wigs and fake-eye-lashes basically set the paradigm for every drag queen to come since the 60’s. But mainly because when she took over the role of “Mrs. Tottendale” in the Broadway smash The Drowsy Chaperone this past year, she did a slew of press and acted like a gloriously crazy bitch.


: Plus-/Pint-sized 16 year old Long Islander plucked from obscurity, and her part-time job as scoopstress as a Cold Stone Creamery, to portray the lead role of “Tracy Turnblad” in the big screen adaptation of summer blockbuster, Hairspray.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: This bitch is badass. In a world of synthetic, pretentious prostitots a-la Vanessa “Pizza Beav” Hudgens, Ashley “Deviated Septum” Tisdale, Amanda “Life’s a 45 When You Can’t Buy It” Bynes and Miley “Lesbian Antics” Cyrus, Nikk’s raw talent, fearlessness and larger-than-life talent (and appetite) make her stand as the face of a new breed of teenage role model. That, and I’m quite certain, that in the next World War, her pendulous arm fat could act as one of North America’s greatest and deadliest weapons. Oooh-Wee.

Palette Cleanser: JODIE FOSTER

Who: Sturdy double-Oscar winner and star of Hollywood blockbusters including “The Silence of the Lambs”, “The Accused” and of course, the riveting “Flightplan”.

Why I Kinda Sorta Loved Her In ’07: It was a bit of a topsy turvy year for Ms. Foster in ’07. Her latest starring vehicle, “The Brave One”, was a box office disaster. She continues to skirt around her questions regarding her sexual orientation and private life, providing a questionable role model for the GLBT community. But one thing remains resolutely certain: She’s responsible for the greatest article of music I’ve heard all year… TALKIN’ BOUT “LA VIE C’EST CHOUETTE”, Y’ALL! For those of you who missed my absolute obsession over this song earlier this year, it’s from a disco album of spoken-word Frenglish that she recorded back in the 70’s that just completely blows my mind every time I think of it. Once more for the road… Download/Listen to it HERE!


Who: 80’s pop-punk icon renowned for a thick Long Island accent, a Technicolor mane and booming belt of a voice – she shot to fame with a slew of hits including “She-Bop”, “Time After Time”, “True Colors”, “I Drove All Night” and of course her anthemic 1984 single “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: Beyond her general awesomeness and endurable quirk, this past summer she produced and headlined the “The True Colors Tour” – a fundraiser for the Human Rights Campaign, specifically aimed at changing legislature to have attacks on people over their sexual orientation deemed as punishable hate crimes. Additionally, I saw this tour. Ms. Cyndi Lauper does NOT fucking phone it in, I can tell ya that right now. She still gives it like she’s 19 and trying to score her first record deal.


: Comedy connoisseur, dance aficionado, theatre devotee, film buff and Arts reviewer for NOW Magazine, Toronto’s premiere weekly arts & culture paper. [*Not actually a picture of Mr. Sumi. Despite my best efforts, couldn’t find one. Just some random Asian hottie.]

Why I Loved Him In The ’07: Beyond the general good that he’s done for comedians and theatre artists of many stripes over the years, and the agenda he has to champion Gay & Lesbian comedians within that, he’s responsible for perhaps the single brightest highlight of my year that came in the form of a full fucking page feature in the August 16-22 issue of Now Magazine profiling me and Bitch Salad. Not to mention the ‘best discovery’ mention of Bitch Salad and this very blog in the current year-end issue of Now… Glenn Sumi is basically a deity. Basically.


Who: Good friend of mine who I’ve gotten to know over the past year who’s poised to take over the outsider music scene with her debut album of Christmas songs and corresponding myspace page.

Why I Loved Her In ’07: So incredibly many reasons. Within my circle of friends, Heidi BB is that one person who constantly outdoes herself. She speaks in puns. She hosted Thanksgiving. She dressed up as part Zac Efron/part Vanessa Hudgens – or, Zanessa – for Hallowe’en. But the absolute kicker this year came in the form of a Christmas present she got all of us this year… Besides a T-Shirt with an iron-on picture of us as some bastardization that I’d photoshopped on it, she went to an authentic Asian karaoke joint and cut a full-length Christmas album. I know. Unbelievable. So, I made her a myspace page. Go there NOW! Let’s make Heidi BB a star in ’08!

Who: Bedingfield – Angel-faced, raspy-voiced Brit and weaver of the most ear-pleasing pop music that I’ve heard in a long time. Galkina - Russian-born super-quirk and runner-up of America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 8.

Why I Loved Them in ’07: Bedingfield – Okay. It’s official. I’m a fan of Natasha Bedingfield. After constantly chocking her up to a “oh, I just like this one song”, it suddenly occurred to me recently that not only do I have a whopping 12 songs of hers on my iPod, but out of those, 5 are the most played songs up on there! Shoot. With the release of her latest North American effort this past month, she’s poised to rule the airwaves with her brand of optimistic, insanely listenable-to pop. Galkina - Because she’s unbelievably adorable and everything that came out of her mouth was either perplexing or hilarious (or both). During her stint on ANTM, she was the consummate underdog with 0.0 inhibitions and one of the most compelling characters ever seen within the halls of Tyra Banks’ fierce-fest. Someone please give the bitch her own show. She’d truly be the future of the sitcom. Like for fucking real, the new Cosby. Shit.

1. YOU!!!

Who: Umm, you.

Why I Loved You In The ’07: Because you actually enjoy/are somehow compelled to read these mindless scribblings I jot down here periodically. And for that, you absolutely rule.

And, as such, here’s a gift for you to ring in the New Year with…

Remember back in the early 90’s when Much Music released tidy compilations of the year’s biggest and most festive dance hits in a continuous mix? I think it’s the only reason that a lot of us know and love the likes of 2 Unlimited, Reel 2 Real and Los Del Rio.

They was called Dance Mix ’92, or ’93 or whatever year it happened to be. They provided the soundtrack for many a high school basement parties, drinking amaretto and sprite/gin & coke/nail-polish remover and Listerine whilst doing the Macarena. Those were the days… those were the days…

Well now said compilation is called Much Dance and is NOT a continuous mix of the year’s biggest and most festive dance hits but rather a poor man’s version of an edition of “Now That’s What I Call Music!” And that’s heartbreaking. Truly.

Well that’s where I step in! Using a new mixing software I downloaded, I took my enthusiasm for collecting radio edits and making mix tapes and made the definitive dance mix to end your ’07 with! Y’welcome.

The track listing is below… it’s continuous, so it’ll also be a Godsend for all you cardio buffs out there… and the entire thing clocks in at 1 hour and 18 minutes, so it’s good to burn right onto a CD! FUN!

1. Amy Winehouse – Rehab (Desert Eagle Mix)
2. Bob Sinclair – Rock This Party (Everybody Dance Now) (Original Mix)
3. Timbaland feat. Keri Hilson – The Way I Are (Richard Vission Mix)
4. Lady Sovereign feat. Missy Elliott – Love Me Or Hate Me (Jason Nevins Mix)
5. Rihanna – Umbrella (Seamus Haji & Paul Emanuel Mix)
6. Britney Spears – Gimme More (Sticky Mix)
7. Jennifer Lopez – Do It Well (Poker Face Mix)
8. Beyonce – Irreplaceable (Maurice Joshua Mix)
9. Jennifer Hudson – And I Am Telling You (Richie Jones Mix)
10. Enrique Eglesias – Do You Know (Ralphi Rosario & Craig C. Mix)
11. Fall Out Boy – Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (Lindbergh Palace Mix)
12. Nelly Furtado – Say It Right (Friscia & Lamboy Mix)
13. Kelly Rowland feat. Eve – Like This (Karmatronics Mix)
14. Fergie feat. Ludacris – Glamorous (Marcelo Guerra Mix)
15. Lily Allen – Alfie (CSS Mix)
16. Feist – 1234 (Daft Punk Mix)
17. Kanye West – Stronger (A-Trak Mix)
18. Justin Timberlake – Lovestoned (I Think She Knows) (Kaskade Mix)
19. Gwen Stefani – Wind It Up (Electro Basement Mix)
20. Hilary Duff – With Love (Bermudez & Preve Mix)
21. Kat Deluna feat. Elephant Man – Whine Up (Johnny Vicious Mix)
22. Shakira & Beyonce – Beautiful Liar (Freemasons Mix)
23. The Killers – Read My Mind (Linus Loves Mix)
24. Pink – Who Knew (Bimbo Jones Mix)
25. Mika – Love Today (Eric Kupper Mix)

Download/Listen to it HERE!

Happy New Year,

See you in ’08,

So, tomorrow...

--- Aj