And a happy holidays to you... they continue to rage on...

It's my highest and brightest hope that they were indeed happy, and you're not currently powerless (in the electrical sense), as many wind-stricken people are right now. Because that would suck. I go batshit nuts when the power goes out. Like, almost-resort-to-cannibalism-crazy. I treat every power outage like it's an apocalypse or something. Which might explain why my freezer is well stocked with salted venison, but that's a story for another day...

So, my friends, 2008 draws to a close - and thank fucking God, am I right? Am I? Ladies? Do you hear what I'm talking about? And if the end of the year is good for one thing, it's end-of-year-roundups-in-the-form-of-Top-10-lists... 

So I thought I might cap this one off with my ceremonial Top 10 Bitches that I Loved & Hated in [insert year]!!! 

Yepper skeppers, there they are. In all their glory/shame. Oooooh I just can't wait to find out how the cards fall - can you?!?!?! 

But yeah... here's my annual wrap-up of the various bitches who I've felt have defined the year passed, for better and/or for worse... 

Let the games begin...

10.) PATTI LuPONE

A recurring motif in the lists of ladies that I choose to exalt is/are the sort of survivor-y journeywomen entertainers who've had a glimmer of limelight in the past but continue to truck on despite waning interest and then BAM - they're granted another moment in the sun. Such is the case with Miss Patti LuPone. Embarrassingly enough, until about 5 years ago, I had no fucking idea that Patti LuPone was a Broadway Star - most notably, for originating the role of Eva Peron in Evita, for which she won her first of two Tony Awards, almost 30 years ago. I knew her as Libby Thacher on the Sunday night family drama, Life Goes On. And the only reason I knew that was because Life Goes On was on right before America's Funniest Home Videos, which was a big fucking deal in my household. Aaanyballs - she was all but put out to pasture until a star turn in as 'Mama Rose' in the legendary musical Gypsy thrust her back into the limelight... squarely in the form of her fucking the absolute shit out of its act 1 closer, "Everything's Coming Up Roses" on this year's Tony telecast. If watching the 59-year-old LuPone belt that out note-for-note-perfect doesn't make you secrete something from somewhere... then I don't know what. Patti LuPone, everyone... BITCH HAS STILL GOT IT!

9.) RACHEL MADDOW

In what was arguably the most politically relevant year for the GLBT community in decades, we couldn't have asked for a better representative to enter political-pundit-dom than Rachel Maddow. If you haven't seen this lady in action A.) I pity you and wish you the best with your complete Season 2 DVD's of Life According To Jim (read: you're a dumbass) and B.) I would describe her thusly: picture Rosie O'Donnell during her super-politically-charged tenure on The View, only less hysterical and with copious educational credits (not that there's anything wrong with Rosie's approach... in fact, there's everything right with it, I'm just sayin'...) ... The first openly gay i.) Rhodes' Scholar and ii.) Primetime News Pundit, Maddow laid her brand of hyper-intelligent, lesbo-centric smackdown where it was just deserved at every turn, making your Pat Bunchanan's and Ann Coulter's tremble in their sensible conservative footwear. Rachel motherfucking Maddow - Truly, no one on the corner has the bulldagger swagger like hers... 

8.) ELIZABETH MOSS

Elizabeth Moss first came to my attention in 1999's feelgood hit of the year, Girl Interrupted, playing the stunted-adolescent burn victim 'Polly "Torch" Clark' [upper left-hand inset]. Who knew that a scant 9 years later she'd be the face of 2008's premiere feminist tele-heroine 'Peggy Olson' on AMC's exquisite prime time serial Mad Men? If you haven't seen this show - DO! It's amazing. It's about a Madison Avenue advertising agency in 1960, and her character is this dowdy girl who unassumingly busts every ball up in dat detestable suit-wearing, whiskey-slugging, bottom-tapping, "Tootz"-calling boys club that is Sterling Cooper to rise to the top... played impeccably by Elizabeth Moss who makes it well worth watching. SO rooting for her at the SAG's... 

7.) CLORIS LEACHMAN

The most boldfaced inspiration to your Nana's self-actualization since The Golden Girls, 8motherfucking2-year-old Cloris Leachman danced her way right into the finals of this year's Dancing With The Stars... and with it, our hearts. Despite constant scathing criticism by the 'judges' for her wacky, two-left-footed, horny Grandma antics trumping more qualified dancers (because truly, if Dancing With The Stars is anything, it is a deadly serious ballroom competition... I'm talkin' to you, Carrie-Ann Inaba - you fucking glorified lap-dancer), Cloris has proven that 80 is the new 60... or... at least, 100 is the new 90. EITHER WAY - A WIN/WIN FOR NANA'S!!!

6.) BEYONCE, PINK

Bold statement alert::: how might one stay on top in the music business? Simple: create trends rather than follow them. That's precisely what these two ladies have done since their meagre inceptions ---(for realsies... I can remember paying astute attention to both of these bitches when they started out in the late 90's... Beyonce - then part of Destiny's Child - was rockin' a $4 weave and pleather pants, chanting things in 3's ("No, No, No"... "Bills, Bills, Bills"... "what's her problem?", I thought to m'self... and Pink had this slicked-back magenta hair and these hip-hop videos with her cupping her bare breasts... NUTS!)--- and a very cultivated autonomy rings truer than ever with their respective musical efforts this past year. MmmHmm... "I Am... Sasha Fierce" and "Funhouse" are two of the back-to-fucking-back, cover-to-fucking-cover best albums I've heard in a long time. It's been very evident for a long time that they set the queues, and dozen's of other pop-chanteuses-du-jour clamor to follow them... but you can absolutely mark my word - these two are the bitches that you'll be paying to see in stadiums 30 years from now.

Pallette Cleanser: BRITNEY SPEARS

Oh, Britney. Britney Britney Britney. You started the year off strapped to a gurney, prepped for a lobotomy. Things were looking grim. Even I felt for you. Then, there was a 720 degree turn - you severed communication from Adnan, re-welcomed your father into the managerial picture and most importantly, cut out those fucking Fraps. And now you're back on top. I can't stay that I'm necessarily happy about that - I've never much been a fan. But I can appreciate a good comeback. And this was quite a comeback. Well done. 

5.) MERYL STREEP

If Cloris Leachman was the Miley Cyrus to Nana's everwhere, Meryl Streep occupied that aspirational figure for everyone's Mom this year. The greatest film actress - living or dead... THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT... HAVE YOU SEEN 'SHE-DEVIL', MOTHAFUCKA?!?! - achieved the impossible dream in 2008... she became a bona fide, bankable movie star entering her 60's. I'm certainly not someone who was waiting to be persuaded by the power, glory, and bon homie of Streep, mind you - so this is hardly a revelation. (Sidebar: Although I could try, I'm not sure I could sound gayer than I did in that last sentence... moving on...) BUT I can simply take pleasure in seeing one of the greatest talents and most profound geniuses of our time FINALLY see her due...

4.) ALANA JOHNSTON

THE LOCAL MENTION!!! Holy mother of pearl... Alana Johnston (who, incidentally, is of no [known... although if I dig through my father's type-written family tree, it's entirely possible] relation) blew my fucking mind this year. She's definitely one to watch. This slot is sort of my requisite "representational-of-every-Toronto-female-comic-PARTICULARLY-those-who-have-done-Bitch-Salad" slot, but her shit has absolutely blown my mind. Long live H'Alana.

3.) HILARY CLINTON

It pains me to think that years from now, Hilary Clinton will be thought of as this sort of shrill Obama adversary - or, rather, Obamadversary. Because that simply isn't nor wasn't the truth. Hilary Clinton punched her fucking clock, man. She bided her time. She made a run for it, and it was fucking golden. She didn't win it, but she came super, suuuper fucking close. Hilary Clinton ought to and needs to go down in history as a true vanguard; someone who took the hit so that others could come through the gate, and above all else, someone who handled it with an Olympic level of grace. I don't know about you, but I'll always think "what if Hilary had gotten it..."

2.) Tie: ELAINE'S STRITCH & BOOSLER

This is blatantly selfish... I can't tell you the level of joy I've gleamed this year from these two ladies - both coincidentally named "Elaine" (although, yes, Boosler's is spelled 'Elayne', I really liked the ring of "Elaine's Stritch & Boosler"... so fuck you, purists/Elayne Boosler... if you're actually reading this... in which case, I LOVE YOU!!!).

Stritch: Hard-living Broadway legend who's rocketed back into relevance as Alec Baldwin's character's mother on the greatest television show ever to exist, 30 Rock, who's one-woman show "Elaine Stritch, Live at Liberty" I purchased for a cool $50 this summer and became OBSESSED with. What's not to love about Elaine Stritch? NOTHING. She's wholly transfixing. There used to be a ton of clips from her one-woman show online, but they've all been taken off. That's a shame. Luckily, this video of her winning an Emmy for her one-woman show still exists. I urge you to watch it. Also - my Bitch Salad co-producer's and I have come to the conclusion that when/if - KNOCK ON WOOD, SALT OVER SHOULDER - Elaine passes on, we'll have a Toronto-based wake entitled "Stritch Salad". 

Boosler: The unsung heroine of comedy, she started out as a coat-check girl at The Improv when she befriended a young Andy Kaufman and started dating him. After one too many "I could do that" notions, she did, and became the preeminent ladycomic (all one word, yes) of the 70's and 80's. Deodorant spokeswoman, sporatic 80's sitcom mainstay, andrenowned vest enthusiast - Elayne fucking Boosler is the shit. Legend has it that she rebuffed Johnny Carson's advances, which put a ceiling on her career whilst the less-talented Judy Tenuta's and Paula Poundstone's rose to fame. Whatever. Elayne Boosler is the fucking shit. GET BAM-BOOSLER'D TODAY!!! 

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) TINA FEY

The ways in which I love Elizabeth Samatina Fey are too numerous, elaborate and lurid to post here in print. 2008 was her year. Period. She ushered in the return of the female buddy comedy earlier this year with the number 1 movie Baby Mama... brought home triple-Emmy-gold for her ingenious 30 Rock, delivering the greatest Emmy acceptance speech since Elaine Stritch... and of course, became more of a household name than Kleenex with her impression of a certain folksy, MILF-y Vice-Presidential Candidate who shall remain nameless - shaping the political discourse in the process. Not bad for a unibrowed square peg from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania (in the event that you missed that one, I'd invite you to refer to her high school yearbook photo, inset)... Thank God for Tina Fey. My life is right as long as I have Tina Fey in it. Amen.

Now... the bad news...

Or good news if you enjoy scathing negativity, which, I have a lingering suspicion that you indeed do... 

THE TOP 10 BITCHES I HATED IN 2008...

10.) ANNE SLOWEY

Editrix-in-Chief of Elle Magazine/Dead fucking ringer for Sarah Jessica Parker's character in Hocus Pocus, Anne entered the reality-television-villain realm this year as the decider on what I can honestly say was the biggest cavalcade of wretched assaches I've ever seen - Stylista. I caught but one episode of that shit and have been throwing up in my mouth ever since. I might have liked it back in the early days of reality TV, when people weren't so conscious of formulating themselves into characters... Omarosa-syndrome, as it were... but these people were just deplorable and soooo pretentious - especially Slowey. From the second she arrived to grade the contestants on who got her preferred breakfast and slipped into some sort of Anna Wintour-light character, I was over it. OVER IT, I SAY! 

9.) CASEY WILSON

I've always been hyper-aware about when female cast members on SNL break. When their first big moment is. It's usually about 6 months into their tenure... Molly Shannon busted out Mary Katherine Gallagher around that time... Rachel Dratch did that horribly deformed child that wore a burlap sack, had an arm growing out of its head and could only say "Glorph!"... the divine Amy Poehler, of course, gave us Amber - the over-confidant amputee with a flatulence problem... it typically happens by now. Casey Wilson - it's not going to happen. I'm sorry. On the plus side, you're still better than 2 Laraine Newman's, 5 Victoria Jackson's and a baker's dozen of Beth Cahill's.

8.) TRICIA WALSH-SMITH

AAAAAAHHH!!! Everybody run! Crazy, over-privileged, questionably-British divorcee/minor youtube star Tricia Walsh-Smith is coming to steal your soul!!! Yep... this lady is textbook bonkers - she makes Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction look as harmless and carefree as inquisitive French schoolgirl, Madeleine... earlier this year, she and her crazy eyes famously took to youtube to air her very private grievances about her divorce and make her case for why she should remain in the lap of luxury... and for some reason, we kept watching... and watching... and watching... 

7.) MILEY CYRUS

As I get older, I become increasingly cynical about IT-girls. You need to understand, I've lived through so many of them by this point. I can remember, only a few years ago when the likes of Kirsten Dunst, Jessica Simpson and Ashanti were the absolute scaldingly hottest things on the planet and now they're lucky if they're practically anonymous. Take heed, you little strumpet... I find it specifically exceptional how Miley Cyrus - in about a span of 5 months - went from super-famous to complete overexposure... it usually takes at least 6...  then there's this whole self-righteous virginity issue, which is just a patent set-up for failure... Flooziness and an inclination for hard-living are imbedded in her genes... expect two things from Miley by the end of 2009 - A.) A pregnancy and B.) not being able to remember her name. 

6.) SALLY KERN

Gross. Just gross. This blob of a lady who looks like she's coming to eat your children set the stage for the great GLBT human rights movement we're experiencing right now when, earlier this year, she was recorded in some sort of secret Republican kabal in her native Oklahoma (where she was an elected and is now, amazingly, a re-elected state legislator) making utterly shocking homophobic remarks. There aren't enough numbers to count all the kinds of wrong this bitch is. AND those jug-blowing yokels in Oklahoma actually RE-ELECTED her! To give you some perspective - this would be like electing an actual hood-wearing KKKlansman to office in the late 60's. If nothing else, this raging cunt serves as a reminder of how very, VERY far we have to go. 

Pallette Cleanser: ELISABETH FILARSKI-HASSELBECK

I routinely pose the question to myself about whether or not I'd be happier if Elizabeth Hasselbeck was tossed out on her impenetrably clenched ass from The View. And, after exhaustingly weighing the pro's and con's (because that's what I do in my spare time, y'know... make completely inconsequential lists of pro's and con's... oh brother...), I always come back to the conclusion that I enjoy her as a Republican whipping boy waaay too much to see her leave.  

5.) THOMAS BEATTIE, THE PREGNANT MAN

Now I am all for tickety-tock tranny's, as you may know. But this was a bit much even for me. Thomas Beattie used to be a chick. Thomas Beattie decided to become a dude, and was well under way to dude-dom, but - call it a hunch - decided to keep hi/r lady business, well, just in case. So, instead of adopting one of countless children who need a home, the Beattie's decided to play God and generate not one but TWO of what will no doubt be the most hormonally complex children in history. I feel the same way about Thomas Beattie as I do about TurDuckEn (A Chicken stuffed inside a Duck stuffed inside a Turkey... yes, it's a godless bastardization of fowl, if you ask me)... just because it could happen, doesn't necessarily mean it should happen... 

4.) JENNIFER ANISTON

Even my shrillest, neediest, most sensitive female acquaintances who I've heartlessly phased out of my life were more tolerable than Jennifer Aniston in 2008. So here's the deal: you've got a children's movie about a dog coming out on Christmas Day! How do you promote it? Take to every single print publication that will have you and talk about how desperately lonely you are (not to mention, continue to plead for people's sympathy and stay attached to the Brangelina saga by referring to Angelina Jolie's actions as "uncool"). Jennifer Aniston's "Tour of Uncool 08" was relentless, and what's worse - it worked. Marley & Me debuted at number 1. God help us the next time she has something to promote... it will be very uncool... 

3.) ASHLEY ALEXANDRA DUPRE

The Elliot Spitzer whore. Okay - no one understands that a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do better than me, but this opportunistic skank sunk to treacherous new lows. An aspiring singer, DuPre decided to pay her bills via the oldest profession in the world. One of her clients was super-hypocritical governor of New York and established adversary of the sex industry, Elliot Spitzer. He got busted. Her name got revealed. People flocked to her myspace page, looked through her pictures, played her songs. She lapped up the attention. Girls Gone Wild impresario/douchebag Joe Francis offered her a million dollars to do a video. That is, until the Girls Gone Wild people discovered that she was already part of their family on a tape from years previous. HA! Bitch gave it away for free. Suddenly the offer was off the table and her stock began to plummet... until months later when she sits down with Diane Sawyer and tries to re-ignite the fire and insincerely apologizing to Spitzer's family. Good luck with that music career.

2.) LORI DREW

The "Most Hated Woman On The Internet" got away with cold blooded murder this fall. Background in a nutshell: a psychologically shaky girl named Megan Meier had apparently spread some gossip about Lori's daughter - an incredibly out-of-character move for a teenage girl, am I right? So Lori did what any good mother would do - she set up a fake myspace profile as an 18-year-old boy named "Josh Evans", seduced her, coerced secrets out of her, publicly humiliated her and ultimately drove her to suicide. Yep. In a nutshell. Then - this fall - she walked away scott free and opened up a very worthwhile dialogue about how to deal with and legally punish cyber-bullying. Beyond the fact that this bitch is indefinitely going to be Hitler's bunkmate in hell, I think if you actually have the time and effort to construct an elaborate ruse on a social networking site might be a pretty clear sign that you should think about taking up a hobby. This all could have been avoided if Lori Drew had just fucking taken up knitting like a normal Mom... 

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) SARAH PALIN

I don't think we'll ever fully comprehend how close we got to civilization coming to an end. Because, people - that finger over the big red button with an "X" on it lingered dangerously close. We were so damningly close to complete catastrophe. If Sarah Palin had made it, our world would look like some terrifying cross between The Day After Tomorrow (in terms of ecological devastation) meets A Handmaid's Tale (in terms of every woman would have a chip implanted in her head that would shock them if they even thought about abortion) meets Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion (or some sort of lady comedy where a dimwit makes good)... I truly do believe that one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse came and went with Sarah Palin, and join you in a collective "Phew". 

So yeah.

That's about it for me for Aught 8. 

I thank you so much tuning in this year. The feedback I get about these little scribblings continues to amaze me and I appreciate it more than I can tell you...

I hope you have the happiest 2009 imaginable - 

A small contribution to your night and another annual tradition - MY YEAR END DANCE PARTY MIX!!! 

Ass-rocking tunes from this year passed! Track listing... 

Mary J. Blige - Just Fine (Moto Blanco Mix)

Estelle feat. Kanye West - American Boy (Soul Seekerz Mix)

Janet - Feedback (Ralphi Rosario Mix)

Britney Spears - Break The Ice (Kaskade Mix) 

Snoop Dogg - Sexual Seduction (Wideboys Mix) 

NeYo - Closer (Norty Cotto Mix) 

Alicia Keys - No One (Lenny B Mix) 

Mariah Carey - Touch My Body (Seamus Haji Mix)

Natasha Bedingfield - Angel (Moto Blanco Mix) 

Lady GaGa - Just Dance (Harry 'Choo Choo' Romero Mix)

Madonna featuring Timbaland & Justin Timberlake - 4 Minutes (Bob Sinclair Mix) 

Rihanna - Disturbia (Jody Ben Broeder Mix) 

Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl (Bam Bam & Mixin' Mark Mix)

Pink - So What (Tony Arzadon Mix) 

Danity Kane - Damaged (Mike Rizzo Global Mix) 

Jennifer Hudson - Spotlight (Moto Blanco Mix) 

Natasha Bedingfield - Pocketful of Sunshine (Stonebridge Mix) 

Paula Abdul - Dance Like There's No Tomorrow (Paul Oakenfold Mix) 

Celine Dion - Taking Chances (I-Soul Mix) 

Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (Jason Nevins Mix) 

Lindsay Lohan - Bossy (Soulshaker Mix) 

Chris Brown - Forever (Cahill Mix) 

Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up (Dave Aude Mix) 

The Ting Tings - Shut Up and Let Me Go (Chris Lake Mix) 

Britney Spears - Piece of Me (Vasquez & Vicious Mix) 

Natasha Bedingfield - Love Like This (Johnny Vicious Mix) 

Miley Cyrus - See You Again (Wideboys Mix) 

Download/Listen to it HERE!!!

That's it. For reals. 

Have a great night.

See you in '09!!!

--- Aj

FrenEmmy's

Eh? Eh???

That's how I feel about the Emmy's. On one hand, I love them because it's a plentiful kudos-fest honouring the brightest stars of prime time TV. On the other hand, I hate them because most of the time they suck giant squid balls (or whatever sort of genitalia those elusive crustaceans boast)...

After a positively exhausting (in a good way) weekend in Kitchener, slinging jokes at Yuk Yuks like a regular Elayne Boosler, I come home to find a gruesomely awful offering of recorded fare from this weekend past: the, hands-down, WORST episode of SNL in recent memory - hosted by James Franco, who methinks takes himself a titch too seriously - and last night's Emmy telecast.

As it turns out, this year was the first year that an award was presented in the category of "Best Reality Show Host", and someone finagled the cockamamie idea that "hey! what if we had all of them host the show?!?!?"... file that one under 'it seemed like a good idea the time'... it was bad... horrendously so.

After a polite "Happy 60th Birthday, Emmys" address by a noticeably heavier-than-I-remember-her Oprah Winfrey, the 5 reality show hosts - Survivor's Jeff Probst, American Idol's Ryan Seacrest, Dancing With The Stars' Tom Bergeron, Deal Or No Deal's Howie "Don't touch my hands" Mandel, and Project Runway's Heidi Klum (who, really, might as well have been a fucking blowup doll, she was so useless... her 'schtick' seemed to revolve around her being attractive and a girl all night... which is historically never funny... but no... she would literally blow kisses in lieu of delivering what would have traditionally been zingers to conclude her segues...) - and it all just dissolved right into shit from the word 'go'.

You'd think they'd have learned their lesson last year when Seacrest hosted it solo, but no... apprently the grand notion was that 5 Seacrests would be better than 1, but how wrong they were.

This is precisely why, right here, RIGHT now, I am kicking off the campaign to bring Kathy Griffin in next year... she's the only one who could save this pile of puke, and, for realsies, what do they have to lose? It'd be raucous and unpredictable, colorful and anticipated... she's the only big-name comedian who's buzz-worthily relevant without being too MTV-ish. KATHY G IN 2009!!!

Speaking of Kathy G, out-and-out highlight was the pairing of her with the chairman, Don Rickles - who's commendably still 'with it' at his staggering 82

 years of age.

In a refreshing display of "fuck it up the ass... what the balls do I have to lose?", Rickles slammed the powers-that-be, mocking the uninventive patter and stole the show in the process. He actually won an Emmy later, too. So there ya go. Cake and eating said cake, too.

Other [scant] highlights included, but are not limited to:

- I don't know how the balls they finagled it, but some of the [memorable] cast members of Laugh In dragged their 70-something-year-old asses up there to present the best variety series award. Members included Gary Owens, Alan Sues (one of the first gays on network TV!),Lily Tomlin (who, you'd'a thunk, would have better things to do, but meh), RUTH BUZZI (who's AMAZING... she's like the original Rachel Dratch... she's sorely underrated... let me tell ya), and of course, the finest manifestation of the universe, Miss JoAnne Worley. 

It's, of course, no secret that I have a bit of a thing for JoAnne Worley - whose voice you may well recognize as Hoppopotamus from The Wuzzles... - and gazing at her visage to left, to the left,  I can't imagine you'd wonder why. 

Anyballs... Pressing on...

- The dude who won for writing that heavily lauded John Adams biopic getting cut off about 5 seconds into his speech... and then, precisely when he's trying to make a very poignant point about back then the United States was all about articulating arguments and democracy democracy democracy blah blah blah - they cut to a bumper promoting the best reality series award... ouch... ouch ouch ouch!!! So he goes from something like "this is especially important at a time when our country is at such a crossro-"-CUT TO-"Will it be Top Chef, American Idol, Bad Girls Club..." It was SO graceless. AMAZING!

- I was wondering what business Lauren Conrad had being there, and, from the looks of it, so did David Boreanaz. That made me very happy.

- WHAT THE BALLS WAS THAT JOSH GROBAN BULLSHIT ALL ABOUT?!?!?! If you haven't seen it... please... share the pain...

Yeah. I really don't know how to explain that. However, I don't think it was so much him being like "I'm Josh Groban. I don't take myself too seriously, and now's my chance to prove it!" as much as it was him thinking "I'm Josh Groban. I can truly do anything. If anyone has any doubts about why I'm David Foster's buttboy, this will surely silence them!". Yeah. That was fucked.

- Tommy Smothers getting a special Emmy. I'll tell you precisely why Tommy Smothers getting an Emmy - well, fuck, getting mentioned at all - is significant for me, and the answer may shock and amaze you... the year was 1966... Tommy Smothers, vacationing in Alberta's rocky mountains, met a 

young nurse at a popular five-star resort... a winsome, raven-haired young lady named Cheryl Cassidy. The two hit off right then and there and began a torrid, however brief, affair.

Why is this important? Because that winsome, raven-haired young lady Cheryl Cassidy grew up to become MY MOM!!! AHHHH!!! TOMMY SMOTHERS WAS ALMOST MY DAD!!! I WAS ALMOST ANDREW SMOTHERS!!! 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

So yeah... 

And, of course, highlight of highlights...

- Elizabeth Samatina Fey takes home three effin' Emmys. One for writing, one for best comedy series (2nd year in a row) and one for best actress in a comedy series. That made me so happy, it's wrong. Just wrong. This woman is the genius of her generation and anyone who argues this needs to be shot.

Alec Baldwin - who also very deservingly won best actor in a comedy series (apparently his first win) - said some garbage about how she's the Elaine May of her generation. Ummm, no. Try the Mark Twain of her generation. 

NO - actually, fuck that - try the Aristotle of her generation.

NOOO - scrap all of that above shit - try the Jesus Q. Shakespeare of her generation.

NOOOOOOOO - forget EVERYTHING I said above - try the Shelley Long of her generation.

Yes... to me, comparing someone to Shelley Long IS the highest compliment you can give someone. Because, y'see, I'm fucked up. 

Anyballs... thought I'd mention that if, in the off-chance in my most desperate fantasy that Tina Fey actually reads my blog, I at least said it.

So yeah.

C'est tout.

Till tomorry,

--- Aj

Sweatdrops Sweatdrops Sweatdrops!!!

And a pleasant Wednesday to you and yours.

So what has it been? Since last Wednesday? Woo-howdy, I need to get on top of this shit. So much hath transpired since then...

First off: I'm well aware that I have yet to say but two words about the current crop of gals on the 11th glorious season of America's Next Top Model... but rest assured, my requisite blog appointing all the girls' doppelgangers is well under way... I typically wait for the makeovers before I cast any judgement...

Secondly: Thursday I got a call out of the blue that I was to come in and showcase at Yuks for a corporate client. Showcases are to comics what go-see's are to Top Models, y'see... Anyballs, guess who the client was? A lesbian softball association. Yep. With orders to keep it as inoffensive as possible and lesbo-sensitive. Yeah. Suffice to say, I didn't get the gig. I knew I should have busted out of my A League of Their Own material (which, by the way, I have an unsurprising abundance of...)

B'aaanyway, I spent the weekend drunk out of my skull, just like old times, which was nice.

Saturday night saw the birthday of Alex "Faith" Brown (named "Faith" after the now infamous armless canine who's captured the hearts of millions... :

... weird.) for which we were supposed to depart to at 11 PM. Then someone threw out the suggestion that we "just watch the first sketch" of SNL's season premiere. Yeah. That never happens. We ended up watching the whole fucking thing.

So yeah... on the whole, not great. They are going to be BEYOND screwed when Amy Poehler leaves in a few short weeks. BEYOND screwed. Casey Wilson, as lovely as she seems, isn't working. It's not going to happen. Put her out to pasture in a supporting role on a spin-off of The Office or something, but get her out of there.

That new fat guy could go either way. I'm going to reserve judgement of him until precisely the third episode, as I didn't necessarily "get" Fred Armisen right away either... little did I know he'd grow into Nicholas Fehn and of course, Nuni of "Nuni & Nuni" fame. If you don't know what I'm talking about right now, you probably think I'm a.) boring and b.) crazy. Which is quite a commendable combination of things to be, not gonna lie.

Anyballs... Andy Samberg ruled my fucking life with his impression of Cathy of Cathy Guisewite's Cathy comic strip fame... And to think... Cathy was the Carrie Brandshaw of her day back in the late 70's... WAKE ME UP WHEN I'M A SIZE 5!!! Ladies... am I right?

However, that Jar Glove thing made me lose it.

Kristen Wiig - thank God for you.

And of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the thing that everyone's been talking about... Tina Fey's triumphant return as Sarah Palin...

Yep... probably the most must-see [live] thing to come out of that show since the infamous Debbie Downer giggle-fest of aught-Four... it's been EVERYWHERE recently.

Poehler and Fey, together again - already a dream scenario - channelling Sarah Palin and Hilary Clinton - another dream scenario - talkin' sexism.

If you were Hilary Clinton, I think one of your absolute saving graces must be when Amy Poehler does you. Because not only does Amy Poehler cause things to be awesome simply by association, but because each and every time she spoofs Hilary, very prevalent issues are brought to light and things are said that Hilary could neither bring to light nor say herself without being completely vilified by the press. Like, if you were to be watching it with Hilary, it must just be 5 straight minutes of her yelling at the TV, "THANK YOU! See?! SEE?! Oh, TOTALLY! YES! Oh my God, ME TOO! I know!"

It's so astoundingly true that the issue of sexism isn't factoring into anyone's treatment of Palin, and it's largely because Hilary made 15,000,000 cracks in that ceiling. Kind of unfair that all Palin had to do was peck at it with the duress of a baby duck cracking through its egg shell to shatter that ceiling and all of a sudden, be taken seriously.

Of course, another reason that sexism isn't playing a huge role in persecuting Sarah Palin, could be that the bitch has done more than enough ass-crazy shit to easily overshadow that.

DID YOU KNOW: Sarah Palin forced rape victims to pay for their own exams.

Yes. Under Sarah Palin, rape victims - or, rather, rape-ee's, if you will - had to buy their own "rape kits" - or, rather, rapeables, if you will - to collect the necessary evidence to convict their offenders.

Of course, this begs the obvious: I guess somebody's never been raped. Because from what I've heard, it's not a terribly pleasant experience, and usually, people who have been raped don't like to be reminded of this fact. I can't imagine running price comparisons and checking customer referrals on different brands of "rape kits" is at the top of anyone's list of things they love to do.

On the other hand, maybe Sarah Palin's totes been raped, and just thinks "ahhh, what's good for the goose is good for the gander".

But probably not.

Naturally, given the fact that Palin is also against abortion in cases of rape and/or incest, this basically means: SARAH PALIN DOES NOT BELIEVE IN RAPE. Or dinosaurs.

So that's all very grim and depressing, isn't it?

But... in lighter Palin-related news, this thing is mayhaps the greatest thing I've ever seen.
It's The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator!

Taking a cue from the zany names of Sarah Palin's children (Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper), this highly scientific device generates what your name would be if you were blessed enough to be born of Sarah Palin...

What's yours?! Mine is: Lock Pepper Palin.

Good times.

Well not really.

It's terribly depressing to think that this woman might soon be leader of the free world (because make no mistake about it... John McCain will die. Like, 2 days after whomever's elected gets elected. He will. He'll fall down in the shower or something, but he will.)

Anyway, no matter how terrible things get, always remember - at least your arms aren't as fat as Jordin Sparks'.

--- Aj

PS - Slight photoshopographic exaggeration. Only slight, though.

April Fools Gold

Glah.

My boss is currently playing Bruce Hornsby and The Range. Don't know who they are? Go HERE. That's the song "The Way It Is". His/their 'hit'.

This effin' album seems to all sound like that. It's a lot of piano-driven adult contemporary garbage and it's driving me mad. I've got to be honest - I really don't find listening to Bruce Hornsby and The Range conducive to a productive work environment. Perhaps if I was drinking a Zima, or tackling a Rubix Cube or reading a Danielle Steele novel or something that someone would have been doing in 1986 when they were fucking popular!

Apparently my boss has seen him/them live. Who the fuck would not only buy a fucking ticket to see Bruce Hornsby and The Range live LET ALONE actually seek out knowledge that they're coming to a venue near you?! I JUST DON'T GET IT!

Wow.

That was a rather large portion of today's blog devoted to Bruce Hornsby and The Range. So much, that I'm actually going to tag it. So that when people google blogs or whatever it is y'do, and you put in "Bruce Hornsby and The Range", this will come up.

ENOUGH!

So it's the first day of April. Which makes it April Fools! Whenever I hear April Fools, the first image that springs to my mind is of a prudish secretary being given what she thinks is a tin of candies that is instead -SURPRISE!- a tin with a coiled-up snake that springs out. She shrieks, and her co-worker - likely some bachelor bon vivant with a fervor for life - shouts "April Fools!" and while flustered and startled at first, she eventually finds it humorous. She then goes home and masturbates all night until her pussy is beyond raw.

What am I even talking about? No no no... so none of that happened to me today. No tin full of snakes springing out of me. I thought about getting on the streetcar today without paying and saying "April Fools!" and then laughing patronizingly and sitting down, and when the streetcar driver was all "seriously though, pay", I'd be like "IT'S APRIL FOOLS ASSHOLE!" and kick him/her in the balls/ladyballs and make a dash for it. But then I'd be a fellon. And that's not so whimsical.

One thing I thought was an April Fool was this story I read about - and get a load of this - a fucking turtle in China that smokes half a pack a day of cigarettes.


Yes.

A Turtle.

In China.

That Smokes Cigarettes.

Half a pack a DAY.

That's more than I smoked at my heaviest.

And I'm a human.

Apparently this turtle picked up the filthy habit by sucking on the discarded butts that its owner through in the garden. Which begs the question - who lets their turtle roam free range in their fucking backyard? Chinese people, apparently. Wacky.

Then he noticed that whenever he lit up, the turtle would poke its head out and start flailing around in the tub. Then one day he put a cigarette in its mouth, lit it, and the motherfucker sucked it back in FOUR MINUTES.

Animal rights officials are hard-pressed. Although they can't intervene if the turtle smokes voluntarily, but they , and I quote: "want him to stop making it public.”

Holy fuck. Amazing.

In other news: DOLLY PARTON ON IDOL TONIGHT!!!

Here's the rumored song list and running order:

David Cook: "You Know I Love You"
Kristy Lee Cook: "Two Doors Down"
Michael Johns: "Islands in the Stream"
Carly Smithson: "Jolene"
David Archuleta: "Travelin Thru"
Ramiele Malubay: "9 to 5 "
Brooke White: "Coat of Many Colors"
Syesha Mercado: "Eagle When She Flies"
Jason Castro: "I Will Always Love You"

I wonder if David Cook was able to find some rare Panic At The Disco cover of a Dolly Parton song, because I don't know how the fuck else he'll do anything. Carly Smithson will continue to be my hero if she actually busts out "Jolene". I love that song. David Archuleta is singing the hot tranny anthem from "Transamerica" - Danny Noriega is shedding a tear. Ramiele is poised to actually perform a song that hasn't been done on Idol, which is miraculous. Jason Castro is poised to give me a devastatingly lengthy boner with "IWALY". Hmmm.

In other, other news:

TWO FUCKING WEEKS TODAY!!!

Isn't that fucking pretty? I can't stop looking at it.

Happy April Fools,

--- Aj

Idol Wrap Up AND SO MUCH MORE!

First things first:

Well it was another gruesome battle, but the Bitches You Loved and Hated for February have been decided...

Narrowly beating out my personal pick, LeiLani Billard, for Bitch You Loved In February, none other than the lovely and talented Tina Fey!!!


She'll go up against the Bitch You Loved in January, Carol Channing, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...

And, to my personal surprise and delight, the Bitch YOU Hated in February was none other than hysterical cooter-chompee, Chola CuchiMuncho!!!

She'll go up against the Bitch You Hated in January, Tom Cruise, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...

Second things second:

IDOL.

BOYS.

Luke Menard is gone. Singing Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", something tells me he'll never be waking up. In that he'll be sleeping. In that he'll be dead because he's gone. Going first + bad song choice + cynical-yet-inoffensive comments from the judges = gone.

David Archuleta continues his stranglehold on complete and utter Idol domination. He was able to serve up the exact same convincing flavour of cheese that Phil Collins did. Again, not my thing but I get it. So magnanimous of him to sing that in order to draw attention to the plight of the homeless. Somebody's going to heaven!

Danny Noriega is fierce. I have said it before and I will say it again. Fresh off the heels of some old myspace video blogs of him sporting a dew rag, swearing and proclaiming he's gay he goes and does the most audaciously faggy thing ever on that show - sings Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" with purple streaks up in his head... FIERCE! I am crossing everything that can be crossed on my body that he makes the Top 12...

Resident "stripper who had performed fully nude for a mostly-male crowd" David Hernandez stood out more for those shocking revelations than for his take on "It's All Coming Back To Me Now"? What's coming back to you now, David? The genital warts you contracted by tea-bagging skeezy old dudes in the strip joint you worked at for 'a mostly-male audience'? Someone get him some oigggnment, shoot.

Michael Johns did "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds and Randy said that he did Michael Hutchence of INXS proud. Whoops. From what I remember - if I try really hard - is that he did a pretty serviceable rendition of it. But the irony is that after that, I do think people will forget about him...

David Hook donned his axe once again and did a very emo-ized version of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" - a really, isn't Lionel emo enough as it is? No no no - he did a very good job of it. I still get a very "Comic Book Guy" from The Simpsons-vibe from him, though.

Jason Castro should have sung "Lost In Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson because that's what happens to me when I watch him perform/speak. The man is a dreamboat - and I almost never subscribe that kind of shit. Like literally, I've been hot for Jonathan Brandis (may God rest his soul) and Jason Castro. I thought he did brilliantly tonight - great song choice. I'm really happy to see him gaining steam. It's very reminiscent of Bo Bice's rise to front runner status circa Season 4.

And then there's Chikezie. [Sung like the Maude theme song] "And then there's Chikezie! And then there's Chikezie!"... ummm, yeah... that kinda works better with a one-syllable name... no matter... Bah... he would have been prime candidate to be sent homeward-bound alongside Luke Menard, but now, because of his pimp-spot placement, he'll be causing and upset tonight.

GIRLS

Asia'H Epperson did herself exactly 0.0 favours picking Whitney's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody". Despite the fact that Whitney sang every last fibre of shit out of it, it's really never perceived as a singer's song. It's kinda like "Groove Is In The Heart" in that respect... there are definitely some notes to be had there, but it's just too ingrained into people's head as a fun, party song if-not a jock jam *GASP*. I thought it was fine. Her face really shows it when she's unsure if she's going to be note perfect, though.

Kady Malloy continues her bloody, exhaustive march towards death by singing "Who Wants To Live Forever" by Queen. Who wants to live forever, indeed - something tells me not Kady... particularly by basically conceding to the fact that she thought she should have gone home instead of Alaina Whitaker (and Alexandrea Lushington, may I add) last week in her red room pre-interview. On the bright side, at least she'll leave on a high note as her performance last night wasn't out-and-out brutal. On a very, very dark note... two words: Hayley Scarnato. Kady could not only totally make it into the Top 12, but last for quite some time... because if there's one thing that Hayley Scarnato showed us, fucking anything is possible on this show...

Amanda Overmyer went back to basics tonight with a rollicking take on Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You". Methinks a lot - not all, but a lot - of the damage she did with last week's "Carry On My Wayward Son" will be reconciled and her base will be re-energized after last night. She's still as uncomfortable as a sea gull wearing a tracking collar on stage, though. And VERY off putting with her perceived ambivalence when getting the judges' feedback.

No secret: I love every inch of Carly Smithson. Even though I thought she got a little shrill in the higher notes of Cyndi Lauper's "I Drove All Night", I totally agreed with Randy when he said that watching her go for those is like watching someone blast targets with a cannon. Bitch is fierce. I think it's safe to say that Carly's consistency, excellence and dynamism has won over any haters who thought her previous life as MCA recording artist Carly Hennessey by this point.

Kristy Lee Cook makes me barf. I can't stands the bitch no way. I really didn't think her countrified take on Journey's "Faithfull" was all that artful and worthy of the lauding it got. I didn't think it was understated; it was unsure. And I'm sorry, bitch could not remotely pull off what she attempted to at the end of the performance. Ugh. PS - Jean Smart from Designing Women called and she wants her head back.

Ramiele Malubay is not great. She's got a lovely voice with all sort of 'colours' to it, but she's got the depth of a bird bath. "Against All Odds"? Really? Apparently she's got quite an ardent fan base though, so expect to see her sail through...

Brooke White is gettin' on my last nerve - and something tells me I'll need to develop a few more nerves, because bitch is gonna be around for a while. I really have nothing to say about her whimpering, acoustic take on the Goddess Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield" other than what I said about her before: although Brooke's homogenized, ethereal singer-songwriter thing is unique in this competition - and responsible for her appeal - it's far from unique in the music industry. Is her seeing-eye pony of a voice really going to be able to compete with the mighty steed of a voice like yer Carly's or yer Syesha's when it comes down to it? NO!

As much as I think she's an arrogant, smug little beyotch, Syesha Mercado worked it out tonight. That little Whitney nugget, "Saving All My Love For You" is no walk in the park - it's rangy as hell, requiring someone to go from the top of their chest voice to the bottom of their chest voice to the top of their operatic voice to the top of their chest voice again and again - but she handled it with an unappreciated ease.

GONE -

On both sides of the coin tonight, it's anyone's guess.

Although Luke Menard and Kady Malloy are the most likely candidates, anything's possible. Well, Luke's certainly less possible, but still.

Beyond those two, I'd have to wager that for the boys Michael Johns will be in danger. I just see him slipping through the cracks - I don't think he's given anyone a reason to vote for him beyond the fact that he's competent. Otherwise, Danny Noriega - and believe me, I'm spittin on the ground, knocking wood and throwing salt behind me as I say this - could find himself out there based on his sheer audacity.

On the girls side, in terms of talent, it should be Kristy Lee Cook, but something tells me that lanky bimbess will slide through. At this point, it looks like Carly, Brooke, Amanda and Syesha have each made their cases and carved out their niches, so I'd be worried right now if I was Asia'H and/or Ramiele. Whomever has the bigger fan base will prevail.

Bitch Salad roundup tomorrow!
--- Aj