Tuesday, September 09, 2008

The Not-So-Secret Life of Bee's Knees...

And it's official. I've lost whatever panache I was once had for making up titles. Holy balls, that was dreadful.

So hey. Sorry for my absence yesterday, but I was so bowled over from this weekend that I needed a day to just stare at the wall and readjust. Or whatever.

This past weekend was absolute hilarity-ness. Friday, 6PM - saw me and two compatriots who'll go nameless as per their request venture down to Roy Thomson Hall right here in Toronto to do something we'd surely never done before and even surer still will never do again - stalk the red carpet.

And why? Because encroaching our fair city this weekend? One Miss Jennifer K. Hudson is who.

In town to premiere her latest acting endeavour, The Secret Life of Bees - a movie based a book that tells the tale of racial dynamics betwixt blacks and whites (and bees) set against the backdrop of tumultuous 60's North Carolina (primarily beehives therein)... or something...

Anyballs - we got there at like 5:15 and about 8-10 minutes later it set in... "I can't believe we're doing this" - and wanted to leave. Then I convinced them that "y'all... this is the only time that we're going to get to see J Hud in this capacity. After this, the Oscar buzz will have worn off and she'll be relegated to films starring Martin Lawrence... so the least we can do is witness this". So we stayed.

At around 5:45 the first car pulled up and it was none other than the progressively maturing Dakota Fanning. She bolted over to the unwashed masses, smile a'glowing, and signed many an autograph and took many a photo op. When she passed by us in ear shot, I asked her who her celebrity crush was, and then followed up as to whether or not it was Charlie Rose - an obvious reference to The Dakota Fanning Show, which I assume is chastely true to life.

Next to arrive was songstress and co-star Alicia Keys, who also made sufficient rounds with the peanut gallery. Let me tell ya - from my estimation, the Proactiv is working. You go, girl.

Next up HAD to be Hudson... COME ON! But no... t'was Queen Latifah... who looks considerably smaller than I thought she'd be... but I have to reason that's just because she's usually the requisite 'large & in charge sistah'... Anyballs, she also punched the plebeian clock, and again, drifted dangerously close to my brood of destructively ironic homos who were heard to have yelled at her: "We loved you on Fresh Prince!" Yeah. This was met by a roll of her royal eyes.

So it's nearly show time and no Hudson to be seen anywhere, which made got me su-huuuper pissed because the only reason I dared intermingle myself with these bonafide gawkers was to ask her what her favourite movie was, what her favourite part of that movie was, and what she thought of that part - all of which she detailed in her B-Roll interview from movie night in Season 3 of American Idol:

Yeah. It's a thing in my act. I just wanted it on camera. Anyballs - she finally shows, scooting out of a car parked way the balls up from where we were, works the crowd very momentarily before being whisked through the press lineup. My cries of "JENNIFER!!! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE?!?! IS IT SISTER ACT 2?!?! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PART OF THAT MOVIE?!?! IS IT 'DA PART WHEN WHOOPI GETS GLUED TO 'DA CHAIR?!?! WAS IT HIL-A-RIOUS?!?!?" went largely unanswered.

Anyballs - I got the whole thing on tape, so I'll edit that shit together and post it here and it'll be hilarious.

So that was item worth discussing # 1...

#2.) VMA tyme.

Since the late 80's, I have ne'er missed an installment of the MTV Video Music Awards. I think they're the most zeitgeist-y thing out there. I love taking - and studying - a snapshot of pop culture at any given time and this Awards show often provides the Polaroid. [Sidebar: Did you know that the very first MTV VMA's were hosted by Dan Ayckroyd and Better Midler??? Yes. The show where Madonna historically writhed around on the floor singing "Like A Virgin" was presided over by Dan Ayckroyd and Bette Midler.]

Well, whatever suspicions anyone had that Ayckroyd and Midler would return as respective host and hostess of this year's 25th anniversary (read: no one had those suspicious. NO ONE) were quashed when British funnyman Russell Brand took the stage after a hopelessly anti-climactic opening 'skit' featuring Britney Spears.

K... Russell Brand... one word: LIMEY. If that's the pinnacle of brilliance insofar as the UK's standup scene, then I don't know what. I thought it was limp. I thought he might be trying to do things that he thought would appeal to an American audience, but it just looked like he didn't understand the language he was speaking - kinda like the odd time an older road-comic goes on Video On Trial and tries to speak in youth lingo and make pop-cultural comments... - so very, very sad.

Anyballs... other things of note:

- Britney Spears finally won... three awards at that, including the top prize, Video of the Year for the thoroughly unexceptional "Piece of Me". They might as well have named it the "Most Famous Person Actually In Attendance Gets This" award... anyballs - it's so, SO crazy to see her back in her robotic, guarded mode... "I'm speechless. I'd like to thank God and my two beautiful little boys, and of course, m'fans. Thanks, y'all!" Yeah, uh Britney... we've seen you attack a car with an umbrella whilst raving in a faux-British accent, not to mention your squalid pussy too many times to count. The jig is up. Please stop acting like you're this untouchable pop star anymore. Thanks. Love - Aj.

- Two things about Rihanna that are disproportionate to her natural composition: i.) her thighs and ii.) her fame.

- Although I'm as big a fan of Christina "X-Tina" Aguilera, I think it was perhaps a tad too early for a career highlights montage recapping all her previous looks from her video catalogue before she performed. Like, Madonna could do that. Janet could do that. Mariah could do that (although it wouldn't look that different). But with all of three albums to her name, I thought X-Tina might have been a little off her rocker...

- Speaking of rockers, how refreshing to see someone actually fucking sing - so thank you, Pink. You're very underrated.

- These fellows named the Jonas Brothers seem to be pretty big with the kids nowadays. They also wear promise rings - a concept that is fucking creepy. The premise of these rings is that kids are given these things by their parents when they're pre-teens, and it's supposed to represent a 'promise to themselves' (read: promise to their parents, Jesus and the Republican party) that they'll maintain their virginity, only to come off once a wedding ring goes on. It all sounds like glorious bullshit to me. After much prodding about this fact by host Russell Brand (his running gag of the evening... falling flat more often than not), linebacker Jordin Sparks - sporting arms boasting the circumference of red woods (THEMZ SOME FAT ARMS, DANG!!!) - decided to take a stand against this:

Yeah. Because if you don't wear a promise ring, you're a slut. That's all there is to it - no grey area whatsoever. Thank Christ Jordin Sparks had the courage to finally say it.

- Miley Cyrus' gets more annoying by the second. And savour these days, bitch - because you'll soon go the way of Ashlee Simpson, who might as well have won a contest in order to appear at the awards as far as the audience was concerned, judging by her cold reception (or, rather, non-reception). Seriously - even when Pete Wentz signed off saying "I'm Pete Wentz, that's my wife Ashlee, and that's my baby" he had to prod the audience for a fucking response. I don't know if you remember, but four years ago, Ashlee Simpson was the shit in terms of teen pop stardom. And she couldn't be more irrelevant now. The shelf-life of a teen pop queen is fleeting, is what I'm saying...

- Proving that 2008 truly is shaping up to be the year of the tranny, the Best New Artist category witnessed a shocking upset when German alt-rockers Tokio Hotel snagged the trophy over modern-day Punky Brewsterite Miley Cyrus, glorified jailbait Taylor Swift, virgin shotputter Jordin Sparks and kooky flavour of the moment Katy Perry. It's especially surprising given the fact that the award was voted on by the fans... and, y'know, Jordin Sparks is famous solely because people voted for her... hmmm... anyballs - GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO trannys!!!

So yeah. That was that.

Kinda sucked balls. But I'll totally watch it again next year.

Anyballs - I'm off.

Smell ya later,

--- Aj