I'm sick, y'all.
On top of my assfucking toe - which is doing better... in that I'm now just in pain and general discomfort, as opposed to be completely debilitated... so like, I don't hobble along the periphery of a hallway with the elderly and other disabled people anymore... BUT STILL.
Anyway... now I've got this sniffle bullshit and my head is like a haunted Maritimey ports mouth, it's so cloudy. Which is going to make my stint hosting the SketchComedyLounge and the Rivoli tonight go extra smoothly, I'd have to bet.
Holy fuck, y'all. I am going to be a hot tranny mess this evening.
Which, by the way, is I think the new standard greeting for everyone in the world as of this past week, thanks largely in part to this little offering from last week's SNL:
You don't even understand - EVERYONE I know has adopted the pet name "tranny" and everyone that they know and so on and so on. A conversation that took place Sunday morning on the phone betwixt Yerxa, Anth and myself... "Yeah Tranny... I don't know what Tranny was thinking... Oh - hold on... it's Tranny on the other line... [switches lines] Hey Tranny, I'm on the other line with Tranny". IT'S GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.
Anyway... yes... hot tranny mess... am I making sense right now? I doubt it.
Moving right along...
BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK
Who: Harvard Law School Graduate-turned-Corporate Lawyer-turned-wife of recently disgrace New York Governor/Frequent Call Girl User/Outright hypocrite-turned-Podium accessory.
Why I Loved Her: I just figure it's been a rough week for the bitch, and she could probably use some love. Holy fuck. Can you even imagine being her? First - your fucking husband, who famously champions against the sex trade and pornography industry, is caught spending close to 100 grand on a call girl (who, btw, ain't even that cute... shoot) then, to protect yourself and your daughters who in no way asked to be in this situation, have to go and drag your sorry, demeaned ass up onto a podium alongside your positively squalid lying shitbag of a husband while he seeks penance from the public all the while thinking to yourself "Sildie, would it have killed ya to give up some poon once in a while?" Holy fuck. I don't envy your position, bitch.
BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK
Who: Objectively: Oklahoma House Representative/Staunch "Christina"/Lover of "facts"/Purchaser of hideous pantsuits. Subjectively: Basically the dumbest bitch alive. I can't say I've ever wished heart-bursting death on anyone as much as I've wished it on this dumb bitch.
Why I Hated Her: Wasn't that about the most audacious thing you've ever heard? And this woman ACTUALLY believes the shit that she's spewing. High point of that speech: when she clarifies things and says "now, I'm not gay bashing"... saying that it's factually a dangerous lifestyle, stating the fact about suicides... yeah... the reason that gay people fucking commit suicide in the first place is because they're likely in situations where they're surrounded by evangelic psychopaths like you who make it impossible for them to live! The kakamamiest thing, however, has to be when she says that "the homosexual agenda is a greater threat than terrorism and Islam". Wow. This woman is a scorchingly hot tranny mess. And not in a good way.
K... I'm off...
To take medicine...
And do comedy...
Big big BIG post about Kristin Davis and her sex tape tomorrow...