I was never much a fan of 'The Apprentice'. I remember all sorts of buzz around the first season when I was in my last year of University... it was a reality show conceived by former 'Survivor'-mastermind and current 'On The Lot'-lacklustremind Mark Burnett and starred the owner of the fag-swipe to end all fag-swipes, Donald Trump.
Contestants were split into two teams who completed several challenges that were entrepreneurial in nature and to varrying degrees of success/failure. Kindling to this fire: they worked 16-hour days, slept in cots 10 to a room and were provided with an unlimited supply of booze and cigarettes. Fuel to that fire: cameras were on hand to capture all the action 24/7. Gasoline, Vodka and Aerosol spray on that fire: a character by the name of Omarosa.
B'aaanyway, several seasons came and went, Donald got into a very public feud with Rosie O'Donnell that made him look like an absolute assache, people lost interest and the once almighty Donald and his once almighty Apprentice seemed all but locked away in their cabins on a cruise ship into obscurity.
Now comes word that The Apprentice will be back, and this time, in a celebrity edition. The locked-down lineup as of right now reportedly includes funnywoman/cryptkeeper Joan Rivers, pro-boxer/grillmaster George Foreman, financial analista Jim Cramer (boooring), country rose Naomi Judd (I thought bitch had Hep C and that's why she stopped touring?), NASCAR-ites Jeff Gordon and Danica Patrick (read: geniuses) and inexplicably famous callgirl Carmen Electra.
I am so 'for' this that I can't even tell you. Something tells me that this is going to be so much more 'Surreal Life' than it will be 'Dancing With The Stars' and I fucking love it.
And the as-of-now lineup looks good, although I could deal with far fewer sports figures - I can't imagine Jeff Gordon is going to have business strategies beyond "let's put an image of me in a racecar on a bedsheet! Or perhaps, a beach towell!" - Joan Rivers could be brilliant! She's spent her entire life branding herself and creating products.
Her self-titled jewellery line is one of QVC's top sellers - I can remember back when I was in Grade 9 or 10 or some shit a bunch of us would come over to my house, get stoned and watch her on QVC and the sheer pug-fugliness of her jewellery actually blew our minds. I seem to recall this one broach that was 8 inches wide, 5 inches tall, portraying a scene in a bustling village square. It was "gold"-plated, with faux ruby, sapphire and emerald detailing and was just the most fucking heinous thing I've ever seen. I wish I had the presence of mind to buy it. Fuck.
Anyway, ruing trinkets never bought aside, all this got me thinking about my absolute wish list of who I'd like to see on The Celebrity Apprentice and why they'd be good for it. In no particular order:
PARIS HILTON, BRITNEY SPEARS & LINDSAY LOHAN A-K-A THE PUSSY SLIP TRIPLETS
His chief export is pain; his two speeds are walk and kill; he doesn't sleep, he waits; when he falls in the water, he doesn't get wet, rather, the water gets Chuck Norris; there's no chin underneath his beard, just another fist: All these things considered PLUS his dynamite spokemanship for Total Gym home fitness would make CN an ideal candidate. It would seem unlikely that he'd do any business with NBC anytime soon what with the nasty lawsuit between the two over "Law & Order" being trademarked nicknames for his right and left legs. But we can dream.
GERI "GINGER SPICE" HALLIWELL
Back in the days of Spice, it was widely reported and admitted by the girls themselves that Geri handled the business. Which is mayhaps accountable for their swift demise after her departure. Nevertheless, I've gotta give someone props for overseeing an operation that pumped out merchandise that even I bought, and shit, I neva don't buy nothin'! I remember back in high school I owned several pieces of Spice Girls periphenalia, most notably, a Spice Girls diary. With a lock. I remember I kept the names of all the girls I knew who had abortions and how many they had. That's all.
PALETTE CLEANSER of sorts: DIANE AMOS
That's right, the Pine-Sol spokeswoman. Perhaps more a candidate for Celebrity Fit Club, I can tell you that I'm buying whatever she's sellin'.
Beyond the fact that this is an entirely possible casting choice, I can tell ya hands down this bitch would win it. Mogul of her own product empire first, actress second - everything this bitch touches turns to gold (exception: her Malibu home that was destroyed in a SoCal wildfire earlier this year). Above: the original commercial for the Thigh-Master, a product that she retained a hefty stake in the profits for. Watch it. And try not to buy one. You totally will.
However, the ultimate choice for Celebrity Apprentice?
I dare say that the world has never witnessed a marriage of commerce and art more harmonious and ingenious than Madonna. Let me put it this way: whereas 1,000 engineers working at 1,000 labs in for 1,000 years with an unlimited budget could work towards inventing the space car - Madonna, in her infinite wisdom and talent, could scribble down the prototype on a napkin whilst hunched over on the toilet, fund its construction with the profits from her latest remix album, get her kids to build it after school on a Wednesday, then agressively-yet-subversively market it so that in three months, everyone in the known world would trade they Hyundai's in and be driving one. Yeah.
That's all she wrote,
And by she,
I mean me.
Still without a vagina,