Thursday, June 12, 2008

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Hmmm... I don't quite know what that title's about, but whatever.

Well, I do, but yeah... more on that shortly...

Sorry I've been such an asshole about posting this week. I've just been all of sorts/whack. Last night it was between blogging and cleaning my apartment, and in the rarest of rare turns - CLEANING actually won out.

I've been in this ass-nasty habit of just shoving my clothes into my closet like I'm disposing of a corpse before company comes over, so I decided to embark on the Mount Everest-ial challenge of cleanin' out m'closet - and no, I did not do it to Eminem's "Cleaning Out My Closet" on loop.

I filled a garbage bag to the brim with shit that I'm just amazed I hung onto - cargo pants purchased sometime between 1998 and 2000... synthetic Le Chateau man-blouse after synthetic Le Chateau man-blouse... and more slogan-T's with tart, naughty sayings on them than any one person needs... GONE! I'm feeling so minimalist now, and I love it.

Anyballs... in other news:


His name is Chris. Chris Jarosz. He's a contestant on the current season of the most belligerently-titled series of all time, So You Think You Can Dance?

One of my facebook friends - a gal known only as 'Shawna F.' - made a post on m'wall alerting me to the fact that I have a supposed doppelganger on So You Think You Can Dance? yesterday, and although I was very adverse to this at first, I'm learning to live with it now...

It wasn't until I actually saw the bitch in action, that I started to understand where she was coming from... Here's him on the first performance show of the season dancing with EASILY the hottest bitch alive, a candid hip-hop hoofer named Comfort... yes... Click HERE to watch it... (I'm having maddening problems with embedding it... sorry...)

First off - that Comfort bitch rules m'world. LOVE IT. Secondly - yeah, that looks like me. Fuck.

Well, hopefully he does really well on the show and perhaps at some point I can hook up with a crooked party promoter who'll advertize parties hosted by him - only it's totally not him, it's me, wearing shades, skulking in the corner, not talking to anyone... a-la that chick who was claiming to be Kim Kardashian and doing the exact same shit...

For real - this red hot tranny mess pictured to the right was hosting parties claiming to be Kim Kardashian, looking like that, and people bought it. Not only did they buy the act, but they bought tickets to parties hosted by fake-Kim.

I can't tell you the severe, uncompromising judgement I have for anyone who would buy tickets to go to a party that was hosted by Kim Kardashian - real or otherwise - in the first place, but holy crap, that's hilarious. And also brilliant. You can bet that I will totally be doing that if he does well.

I'd much rather be mistaken for that Comfort chick, as I feel much more akin to her temperment and fervor, but I'll take what I can get.

In other 'reality television stars are fucking with my life' news, I've been trying to avoid addressing this for a coon's age, but feel now that I must...

Once upon a time, if you googled me, a short list of notable Andrew Johnston's would come up. One was a movie critic for Time Out New York... one was a 40-something character actor who claim bit parts on "MacGuyver", "The X-Files" and "Agent Cody Banks" to his name... one was a former American president who would come up despite the fact that his last name is "Johnson" and not "JohnsTon"... and one was me.

Well that's all shot to shit now - a few months ago this meek, pudgy little choirboy with the voice of a castrated angel marched on stage on a little talent competition across the pond called "Britain's Got Talent". He proceeded to capture the hearts of England (and Whoopi Goldberg, who raved about him on The View) and sailed through the finals, landing at third place and has recently signed a 1 million dollar record deal with Simon Cowell's record label.

ANNND... his name is Andrew Johnston. FUCK!!!

Now when you google/youtube/whatever me, this fucking eunuch is going to pop up. Forever. And his voice is totally going to change any day, so say goodbye to any redeeming qualities he has... he's just going to be this shy, fat guy who used to be able to sing pretty. Glug.

I can't imagine me going to England any time soon. I can't imagine going on stage, being introduced as "Andrew Johnston" and not having that be obvious and humiliating. It'd be like some British comic coming here named Ryan Malcolm or something... well whatever...

Okay... I PRRROMISE more interesting blog fare next week... PRRROMISE...

I also PRRROMISE that this will be awesome:


SOOO close. So, so, so very, very, very close.

Have a terrific Friday/night,

--- Aj