Thursday, April 10, 2008

My best friend Leslie says, "Oh, he's just bein' Aj"

Of course that's bullshit.

Bullshit because A.) My best friend's name is most definitely not Leslie... Leslie's the name of a pet snake or something, not one of my best friends... pshaw! and B.) it's a deviation on a lyric from super-tween Miley Cyrus' hit song, "See You Again"... a song that I had never heard until last night on the insufferably long Idol Gives Back.

Don't know if y'caught it last night, but ooh-wee I don't think I've ever found something so pain-stakingly outstretched... like, comparatively, it made this past year's Oscar telecast look like an installment of Schoolhouse Rock (specifically, Conjunction Junction...)

Anywhoozles, here are some high- and low-lights of the event...

- The So You Think You Can Dance-ers were kind of amazing. I've always been curious as to why those shows don't cross promote each other, seeing as they're both Nigel Lythgoe creations... It was just loverly to see them, particularly the delicious Season 1 winner Nick Lazzarini in all his twirling glory. I think it's a rather moot point to say that Nick Lazzarini has a "one free moustache ride from me" coupon any time he so desires to redeem it. Anyballs - they should really employ the SYTYCD alumnus more often on Idol... Imagine, a week where the theme is Jock Jams... 2 Unlimited's "Get Ready For This", CeCe Peniston's "Finally", Real 2 Reel's "I Like To Move It" (presumably sung by David Archuleta), and they're backed by the So You Think You Can Dance-ers!!! YES!!!

- There was an exorbitant amount of Nascar and WWE/F personalities on during the show... A classy touch to an already classy 180 minute program... I can tell ya right now, it sure as fuck didn't make this guy wanna give... *points to self*

- Maria Shriver has yet to grow into her chin. I'll bet her mother was telling her since the age of 4 years old or some shit, "don't worry honey, someday your body will catch up with your chin"... yeah... maybe when she's 90 or something... whatever... and WTF was up with her entering to that lush, symphonic version of "Maria" from West Side Story?

- Ben Stiller isn't funny. If you continue to patronize his creative endeavours, you're no better than Hitler in my eyes. (I like how in this blog, I've committed to putting celebrity names in boldface... consequently, I apparently view Hitler as a celebrity... whatevs)

- Jennifer Connolly starred in a poignant PSA about how people in Africa don't have clean drinking water, driving home a "this is what it would look like in our version" theme. It was well done. I'll be the first to admit I had no idea it was Jennifer Connolly, though. For some reason, I was like "what the fuck? Is that Meredith Brooks of the song "Bitch" fame?"... Well, I didn't say "... of the song "Bitch" fame?"... I don't actually feel the need to pronounce a point of reference when I name drop in my inner dialogue, but, you get the point...

- If there wasn't reason enough that Teri Hatcher must die before, SURELY the scales were tipped to the point of toppling last night. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! In case you missed it...

INT. - A dressing room at the Kodak theatre.

Carrie Underwood and James Denton are seated underneath a sink, debating what to do about a clogged drain pipe.

Enter Teri Hatcher

Teri: What's going on?! Oh? You're trying to steal my man? Well then, I'm going to steal your song...

Teri Hatcher re-emerges on the stage of the Kodak and helps out African AIDS orphans immensely by beating Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" to death Brandon Teena stylez. It was the biggest "WHAT THE FUCK?!" moment I've ever had. Sidebar: Segments recorded by the Presidential candidates were cut in favour of this. Yeah.

- Apparently these fellows called The Jonas Brothers are really big with the kids right now.

- Billy Crystal looks 70 years old all of a sudden. That little back and forth that him and Miley Cyrus had about neither of them knowing who the other one was, was A.) awkward and B.) probably true. Am I to believe that "City Slickers" isn't a favourite at slumber parties circa now?

- I am convinced that Fergie will do anything. ANYTHING. She will appear at anything, sing anything, do anything. For some reason it was necessary to have John Legend on the piany. Whatever. Fergie, bedecked in pleather toe to head, introduces Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart fame. Oooh-wee Ann Wilson has seen some better days. I might not be so inclined to leave my house if I looked like Ann Wilson, but then I'm reminded how ass-rockingly awesome she once was, and it easily makes up for it. I'm not so sure how inspirational Baracuda was, though...

- Would it make me sound like the worst person alive if I told you that I called in to donate ONLY on the condition that Amanda Overmyer answered my call? And when she didn't, I hung up. Would it? Yeah, it totally would. Don't worry. I didn't. But I thought about it... long and hard...

- Who knew David Beckham could speak? Has anyone actually ever heard him speak? Ever?

- Annie Lennox is not happy. It's as if this Little Bird is Walking On Broken Glass. One thing's for sure: she has No More I Love You's for the AIDS crisis in Africa. And if you wonder Why she won't be having Sweet Dreams, then Here Comes The Rain Again. Okay, enough. Sorry. But seriously, she is downright torn up about AIDS orphans in Africa - the most emotional portion of the night, which, I guess, resulted in the most emotional performance of the night. Her voice is like butter - scratch that, butter that is also able to jerk me off. I can't express how much I love Annie Lennox's voice...

- Thankfully, Celine Dion did not perform with any CGI zombie superstars of yesteryear this time around.

- Not to be outdone, Carrie Underwood worked it out... doing a George Michael cover... sadly, not "Monkey" nor "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", but rather "Praying For Time"... oh well... next year...

- Thank m'lucky stars, somehow, someway Sarah Silverman was allowed on here and gave me the one external laugh I had all night when she introduced Forrest Whitaker and his wife... "The amazing Forrest Whitaker and his wife, Leshondra. She might be amazing, too, I don't know... I've never met her... she could be a nightmare."

- How fabulously magnanimous of British Prime Minister Gordon Brown to donate $200,000,000 worth of mosquito netting to combat the malaria epidemic sweeping Africa. At 10 dollars a pop, that's 20 million mosquito nets. Bravo, I say! You know who else might want to donate something to this cause? MOSTQUITO NET COMPANIES. Yeah. I think they might definitely be able to help.

- The out-and-out "WTF?" moment of the night came when the Top 8 sang "Seasons Of Love" from Rent. Ho - ly - fuck. I'd always kind of hoped that they did this song on Idol as I thought it was just begggging to be a group number, but the resulting result was less than magical. I'll still cast it, though... David Archuleta would be Mark, David Cook would be Roger, Kristy Lee would be Mimi, Michael Johns would be Collins, Jason Castro would be Angel (although Danny Noriega would have been beyond perfect), Carly would be Maureen, Syesha would be Joanne and Brooke would be... ummm... the Seasons of Love soloist/homeless woman...

- Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Anne Hudgens desperately need to learn the difference betwixt an Angelina-esque pursing of the lips and a full-tilt Olsen twin-esque pouting of the lips. They look like assholes. Literally and figuratively.

- Miley & Billy Ray Cyrus visit a decrepit trailer in rural Kentucky where a real-life version of Cletus and his yokel family from The Simpsons live. Not gonna lie. This was supposed to be heartbreaking, but I found it hilarious. And one of those kids had straight-up meth face. I found Miley Cyrus to be patronizing and condescending... ummm, guess what bitch - had your father not sang "Achy, Breaky Heart" and made a few tuppence, this would be your life.

- Robin Williams's thing lost its charm, and fast.

- Brad Pitt was only there to introduce Daughtry - no doubt, the most worthwhile moment of his life. And for some reason they show a snaffu that happened when his mic came off and the stage manager, Debbie, needed to come out and make the obligatory old lady flirting thing.

- Mariah Carey sucked. Hard. I would have preferred it if Empress Mimi had actually phone it in... like actually sang into her antique rotary phone whilst surrounded by stuffed animals laying atop her fairy-tale-esque canopy bed...

And. That. Was. It.

Y'know, I really did set forth today to do a non-Idol related blog. I really did. Whatever.

5 DAYS AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That's right. It'll be a very special edition, too. Bitch Salad Gives Back.

Fuck that. We're not givin' anything to anybody. Except laughs. AND HOW.

Less rojo, but rojo just the same,

--- Aj