Thursday, March 20, 2008

Haute Topics



It's everyone's favourite head-cold-ed, busted-toe, hot tranny mess...

I'm ill. And that's all there is to it.

Sorry for the no postage yesterday... I went home from work early and spent it sleeping. Well, sleeping and watching Sex & The City... as a few weeks ago, I made my annual splurge and bought the entire series (seriously... that's a huge deal... I'm a notoriously cheap bitch who never buys nothin', so it's kinda nuts).

I bought it partially in anticipation of getting "Carried" away this April when Sex & The City: The Movie hits theatres, and partially because I was sick to death of watching the hyper-edited and spliced together re-runs airing in syndication, mostly on the Erie, Pennsylvania CBS affiliate on my cable package. For real... I cannot fucking stand those watered down re-runs. It's like the character of Samantha doesn't exist, and when she does, they half-assedly cover up her spicy language. F'rinstance - in the episode where they go to the gay club, "All That Glitters", Samantha goes up to the urinals to scope out the cock. She comes back to the girls, and as it aired originally, says quite jubilantly - "I just saw five dicks!"... then in the watered down re-runs, it translates into "I just saw five [completely different voice in place of Kim Catrall's mouth very clearly saying "dicks"] thingies!".

Not. Cool.

Anyballs... so I'm rewatching S&TC in its entirety now, back to back to back to back - I think I'm either on Season 3 or 4 right now... Charlotte & Trey are trying to have a baby, Aiden just proposed to Carrie, Miranda just found out she's pregnant and Samantha just met Richard - and in my consecutive watching of it, have noticed something I didn't whilst watching it during its initial run: that show's timeline was fucked up somethin' fierce. You might even say, it was a hot tranny mess of a timeline. Might. Fuck - of COURSE you'd say that!

At any given point, they'll suggest time periods that vary from 2 days to 3 months transpire between episodes. It's quite jarring, really. It's a lot to digest in one sitting. But I should be so lucky that that's the worst of my problems...

Anyballs - SPEAKING OF SEX & THE CITY... the most unlikely of sex tapes/nude photos were released to the shock and awe of everyone recently... yeppers, talkin' 'bout Kristin "Charlotte York McDougall Goldenblatt" Davis!

Holy fuck... who saw this one comin'... Not me! Pictured to the right, is the unmistakably cherubic visage of Kristin/Charlotte slobbering all over a great big, skanky cock that's been cropped out, natch.

A photo surfaced of someone who looked an awful lot like Davis/York earlier this week positively mowing down on some dude's beaver cleaver with a promise of more to be found on a porn website. The curious few who did indeed pay the $29.95 for access found no such photos, however.

A scant day after this, more photos were leaked - many assumed that they were accessories to a full-blown sex tape. Immediately, Davis' press rep denied that they were her, despite obvious telltale similarities betwixt Kristy D and the woman pictured - apparently taking a page from the debacle that was Vanessa "Pizza Beav" Hudgens leaked nude photo scandal. For good measure/old times' sake, once again to the left, to the left, is the aforementioned photo of a nude Vanessa-Anne Hudgens with her unmentionable bits obscured by objects similar in size, shape and composition. I just never tire of seeing that.

Now TMZ has reportedly unearthed the whole story. The photos were taken back in 1992 by her then-boyfriend, a New York chef named Eric Stapleman.

Apparently he got pissed at Kristin recently and sold them to a third-party. This third-party then sold it to a fourth-party and now they're online and everyone's now blissfully abreast of what Charlotte's once-sacred business looks like.

Of course, this all beckons PUBLICITY MACHINE! Very convenient that pictures of Charlotte's beav are leaked just as the publicity for the S&TC movie begineth. Very convenient.

Points for innovation. The obvious choice to have a sex tape leaked would have been Kim Cattrall/Samantha... Cynthia Nixon and her portly lesbian lover would have horrified everyone beyond repair, and everyone knows that SJP and Matthew Broderick live sexlessly as each others' beards... so Kristin Davis/Charlotte having a intimate property released is the most buzz-creating and unlikeliest choice...

Now [completely believable to the point that no one is batting an eye] rumours are swirling that Lindsay Lohan has a sex tape. And Amy Winehouse has nude pictures leaked... And that high-priced skank who sexed up disgraced New York governor Eliot Spitzer was offered 1 mil to do something in Girls Gone Wild only to have it discovered that she had already given the milk away for free several years earlier on one of their previous editions...

So help me God, next thing you know, it'll be discovered that Estelle "Sophia Petrillo" Getty made an amateur watersports video pre-Golden Girls... whose cover art, incidentally, might look like this...


I'd like to extend my deepest apologies to her family. I'm so, so sorry I just did that.

In other news:

Last night marked the departure of two of my favourite hot tranny messes of reality television history: Amanda Overmyer from American Idol and Marvita from America's Next Top Model.

Sadness abounds.

Firstly, yes yes yes I know I missed my Idol recap yesterday. I was sick. Deal with it. All I basically would have said is that Archuleta regained his steam, Carly was amazing, Kristy Lee Cook needs to die and that harmonica part of the song that Ramiele sang is haunting my dreams. I then would have predicted that the bottom three would consist of Kristy Lee, Amanda and Michael Johns with Kristy Lee making her eagerly anticipated exeunt, without flourish.

Of course, that's not how things panned out. Instead, resident rocker-grrrl Amanda Overmyer was sent packing whilst Krusty-Lee Cock continues the proud tradition of Haley Scarnato before her. I can't tell you how much I would have given to see Amanda under the tutelage of upcoming mentor Mariah Carey. When hairy met scary. Oh shit. Ah well. T'wasn't meant t'be.

And Marvita. Oh Marvita. Poor lanky hood rat Marvita. I really liked her, but she just gave up. As Tranny Banks said, she gave up on the competition before the competition gave up on her. Too bad. She looks like some haute-couture version of a dog about to put to sleep in that picture. Boo-urns.


It's Easter this weekend...

I hope I feel better. As I'd like to get drunk.


--- Aj