Tuesday, April 01, 2008

April Fools Gold


My boss is currently playing Bruce Hornsby and The Range. Don't know who they are? Go HERE. That's the song "The Way It Is". His/their 'hit'.

This effin' album seems to all sound like that. It's a lot of piano-driven adult contemporary garbage and it's driving me mad. I've got to be honest - I really don't find listening to Bruce Hornsby and The Range conducive to a productive work environment. Perhaps if I was drinking a Zima, or tackling a Rubix Cube or reading a Danielle Steele novel or something that someone would have been doing in 1986 when they were fucking popular!

Apparently my boss has seen him/them live. Who the fuck would not only buy a fucking ticket to see Bruce Hornsby and The Range live LET ALONE actually seek out knowledge that they're coming to a venue near you?! I JUST DON'T GET IT!


That was a rather large portion of today's blog devoted to Bruce Hornsby and The Range. So much, that I'm actually going to tag it. So that when people google blogs or whatever it is y'do, and you put in "Bruce Hornsby and The Range", this will come up.


So it's the first day of April. Which makes it April Fools! Whenever I hear April Fools, the first image that springs to my mind is of a prudish secretary being given what she thinks is a tin of candies that is instead -SURPRISE!- a tin with a coiled-up snake that springs out. She shrieks, and her co-worker - likely some bachelor bon vivant with a fervor for life - shouts "April Fools!" and while flustered and startled at first, she eventually finds it humorous. She then goes home and masturbates all night until her pussy is beyond raw.

What am I even talking about? No no no... so none of that happened to me today. No tin full of snakes springing out of me. I thought about getting on the streetcar today without paying and saying "April Fools!" and then laughing patronizingly and sitting down, and when the streetcar driver was all "seriously though, pay", I'd be like "IT'S APRIL FOOLS ASSHOLE!" and kick him/her in the balls/ladyballs and make a dash for it. But then I'd be a fellon. And that's not so whimsical.

One thing I thought was an April Fool was this story I read about - and get a load of this - a fucking turtle in China that smokes half a pack a day of cigarettes.


A Turtle.

In China.

That Smokes Cigarettes.

Half a pack a DAY.

That's more than I smoked at my heaviest.

And I'm a human.

Apparently this turtle picked up the filthy habit by sucking on the discarded butts that its owner through in the garden. Which begs the question - who lets their turtle roam free range in their fucking backyard? Chinese people, apparently. Wacky.

Then he noticed that whenever he lit up, the turtle would poke its head out and start flailing around in the tub. Then one day he put a cigarette in its mouth, lit it, and the motherfucker sucked it back in FOUR MINUTES.

Animal rights officials are hard-pressed. Although they can't intervene if the turtle smokes voluntarily, but they , and I quote: "want him to stop making it public.”

Holy fuck. Amazing.


Here's the rumored song list and running order:

David Cook: "You Know I Love You"
Kristy Lee Cook: "Two Doors Down"
Michael Johns: "Islands in the Stream"
Carly Smithson: "Jolene"
David Archuleta: "Travelin Thru"
Ramiele Malubay: "9 to 5 "
Brooke White: "Coat of Many Colors"
Syesha Mercado: "Eagle When She Flies"
Jason Castro: "I Will Always Love You"

I wonder if David Cook was able to find some rare Panic At The Disco cover of a Dolly Parton song, because I don't know how the fuck else he'll do anything. Carly Smithson will continue to be my hero if she actually busts out "Jolene". I love that song. David Archuleta is singing the hot tranny anthem from "Transamerica" - Danny Noriega is shedding a tear. Ramiele is poised to actually perform a song that hasn't been done on Idol, which is miraculous. Jason Castro is poised to give me a devastatingly lengthy boner with "IWALY". Hmmm.

In other, other news:



Isn't that fucking pretty? I can't stop looking at it.

Happy April Fools,

--- Aj