Long story SHORT: Last night saws me do something all too uncharacteristic for me - I actually attended a comedy show that I wasn't performing at! And to make things all the more far-fetched, it was an alternative comedy show. I don't think I've attended an alternative comedy night that I wasn't a part of since the Joke Club at the Drake a full calendar year ago but I know, I know, "what does this have to do with you?", I'll shut up.
Anyway - last night's excursion was to see an act I'd never seen before: Iron Cobra. Comprised of the most prominent jaw lines in the comedy world, Becky Johnson & Graham Wagner, it's wonderfully intellectual long-form improv at its finest.
Something that I found entirely uproarious was a scene in which two radio DJ's took a station break to broadcast commercials, one of them was for tampons, and it was slightly offbeat or offensive or something that prompted them to discuss it when they were back from break.
A lively back 'n forth ensued and eventually came to a screeching halt when Becky said: "Maybe you didn't know this, but I suffer from a condition called Fipps Placenta!" Magnificent.
Turns out: no such thing as Fipps Placenta... I actually googled it as soon as I got home, as I like to have a healthy arsenal of minutia about medical oddities/ailments on hand at all times... mainly to break out in the middle of dinner parties/muggings.
No dice. None whatsoever. Fuck.
In other news...
So it's official: I'm obsessed with Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton.
For those of you who have been living under a rock/on an isolated mission in outer space/held captive in a serial killer's basement putting lotion on y'skin until today, Miss Upton is the dumb-as-hair Miss Teen USA contestant-turned-newsmaker when, this past weekend, she came down with the worst case of verbal diarreah in the history of time giving her answer at the Q&A.
The clip made its way 'round the world fast and nasty via youtube turning L to the C to the U into the latest internet laughing stock du-jour.
Certainly, one would think that after turning into the female equivalent of the Star Wars Kid, you'd run. As fast as you can. And hide. Forever. But thank the stars, she came out of hiding this morning on the Today show to explain "what she meant to say"...
She claims that she was so dumbfounded by the statistic, that she was in shock and not, as widely presumed, because she's an astoundingly retarded douchebag.
I love how she absolutely has to put that last bit about how her parents raised her with strong values and morals and bullshit at the end. That just drives home why people are so jubilant about her failure, in my opinion. Because she's a veritable clear-cut everywoman for each and every oblivious, transparent, lemming-esque American Southerner who were the popular kids in high school and voted for Bush out there. I hate her because of that, too. And also because she bears a stunning resemblance to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, but that's neither here nor there.
Hate as I might, I'm still obsessed. And as I'm obsessed, I did a little research on Miss Upton... and by that I mean I went to the Miss Teen USA website and read her fucking bio...
... She's an avid soccer player - SO avid, in fact, that her varsity soccer team traveled to Germany placing second in a tournament involving several European countries. I assume there was no Q&A period involved.
... She's a talented artist with a focus in graphic design. As a matter of fact, she actually won a "star student" award in - and I shit you not - photoshop.
... She plans on attending college for Grapic Design (read: NOT GEOGRAPHY) and ultimately work in special effects for film & TV. Of course, if this falls through, she plans to take the European modelling world by storm (for real)... afterall, in her modelling life, she has appeared in such luminous publications as Seventeen, Cosmo Girl and American Cheerleader.
And perhaps most provocatively of all...
... She can be booked for live appearances by calling 803.648.6220 or by e-mailing email@example.com... which I plan on doing tomorrow.
--- Andrew "Such As" Johnston