Thursday, September 13, 2007

Haute Topics: Becky Johnson Edition

Well what a week it's been. Britney bombing, 9/11 anniversary, TIFF roaring on as loud as ever, it's just enough to make y'head spin.

I received a number of comments and messages re: my various blogs this week that I'd like to address... specifically, from the Becktacular Becky Johnson (pictured to the left, to the left in a promo for her 1-woman extravaganza, "Anorexican" which darkly and provocatively explored eating disorders in our day and age (so I was told. I was an asshole and never went to see it. I'm so sorry...), anyway that show adds weight to her first comment)...

Regarding Monday's post about Britney Spears, particularly mine and the world's scathing criticism about her physical presentation, Becky had this to say via a comment posted on the blog:

"okay, maybe i feel like i'm on some kind of body image soapbox right now, but is she really fat? you can come over to my place and i'll show what my pale, doughy and bruised silhouette looks like in a bra and panties and you'll see how unattainble britney spears' body still is. seriously, if my belly doesn't look like a jelloy mass of stretch marks and extra skin after two kids it would be a miracle worthy of canonisation.

seriously, though, i don't normally go in for this pop culture stuff but somehow the criticisms of her body really got me. she doesn't need a burka. she could even get away with spanx under a catsuit.

why does responding to your blogs always make me write like a gay man?


Awww. Love ya back, baby.

I'll graciously caveat to a certain point... in that I unofficially vowed that I wouldn't be one of those bloggers who skulks behind a computer, lookin' a hot mess, casually castigating the physical appearance of whomever I please with no business doing so simply for the sake of filling up space. But I've done it. To everyone from Valerie Bertinelli to Danilynne Birkhead, and I'm sorry about that.

I'm in no way, shape or form sorry about doing it to Britney Spears, though. When 85-95% of the appeal and/or purpose of your product is its physical packaging, expect to be held under a microscope and if you fall short, torn apart to the nth degree. This isn't a private citizen whose suddenly found herself under mass deconstruction. She's a brand... who has generated a familiar product for years and years... and been compensated HANDSOMELY for doing so. Millions upon millions of dollars have been spent by the masses to see her flash those abs that we as mortals could never hope to achieve, and do those stripper moves that only she can perform as if she honestly believes they're legitimate dance moves. That became a feature of her product.

Now, that product is grossly subpar - it's like a car comp'ny manufacturing cars wiffout no damn doors, y'all! That, in short, is why people reacted as they did in the specific case of Britney Spears. A simple case of brand loyalty being betrayed.

The slaying of body image thing in general is entirely different ballgame. Near and far as I can tell a taut body represents restraint, effort and fortitude - and as humans we're naturally drawn to that, and put those who match that profile on a pedestal. Again, if a substantial percentage of your product's appeal and/or purpose is due to its physical packaging, consider yourself fair game and don't be surprised when people don't give you the benefit of the doubt.

I think that's all I have to say about that right now...

Next up, another question from Becky, also tied to Britney Spears... ughhh... I'm never writing about her again after this post... Becky had this to say in a message sent over facebook...

[Hardly a new find at the point, but this is the clip that she's referring to, an obsessed Britney fan/Videoblogger by the name of "Chris Crocker":]

"i'm sure you've seen this.

maybe this is a weird question but if you look at the entire ouevre of this young man, can you explain to me why any members of the gay community find this entertaining?

i'm sure you're not the mouthpiece for all things gay but you seem thoughtful and articulate in matters of culture so i thought i'd troll for your opinion.

and, to be honest, this guy's stuff actually scared me. like, really.

yours truly,

becky johnson"

Alright. Some backstory about "Chris Crocker"... A.) early 20-something [obviously] homo who goes by a pseudonym living in small-town Tennessee... B.) The 'oeuvre' that Becktacle refers to is exactly that... upwards to and including somewhere in the neighborhood of 70 youtube video blogs/performance art pieces that have earned him a cult following... of sorts... C.) He's skyrocketed to online infamy, bypassing former flavour-of-the-week Miss Teen SC Caitlin Upton, with the above video... and emotional defence of Britney Spears from a fans' perspective. D.) He's an aspiring actor. E.) The above video was his 'second take'. F.) He purposely put on eye-liner so as to make his tears more prominent. G.) He's done a whilwind of promotional appearances over this, among them a spot on Howard Stern where when asks what his preferred sexual position was, he replied "I'm a top". Yeah. Right.

Do I think this is real?

Do I think he -a smalltown Emo-homo over-the-top aspiring actor-is real? yes. Do I think he's a genuine fan of Britney fan, yes. Do I think that this video is an honest-to-God lament capturing the unedited feelings of a wayward Britney-loving mini-gay? No. Do I think this video was made with the intention of it being a viral phenomenon? Absofuckinglutely.

Anyway - to answer Becky's question as to how or why myself as a member of the gay community find this entertaining, I can tell you that I flat-out don't. The reason being that I'm a devastatingly territorial Queen whose head spins at the thought of less-talented homos garnering attention over myself via over-the-top and calculated effeminacy. Yer Ross "The Intern" Matthews'... Yer ANT's... Yer Canadian facsimiles of those two whose names I won't mention as I frequently run into them... I'm not saying that they don't deserve to live, I'm just saying it's probably a good idea that the decision's not left up to me as to whether they do... = )

Anyway - there's y'answer from my point of view. Why would anyone from the gay community find it funny? M'idunno. For the same reason that anyone else does - because it's someone having a believably unedited fit over something tacky and trivial.


Thirdly, here's a text-message I received from Becky regarding the recently leaked nude photos of a then-underaged Vanessa-Anne Hudgens, of Disney's "High School Musical" fame...


i'm acutely aware you'd be unable to post the original photo of a nude, 17-year-old Vanessa-Anne Hudgens that she snapped of herself, presumably meant for private use and/or archival purposes, as it would be illegal.

i am, however, wondering if you could post it with her illicit areas blocked by objects similar in size, shape and composition.


b. johnson"*

Becks, it would be my pleasure.

[*Editor's note: Becky never wrote that to me, but I needed a third item to talk about. I'm a slave to the rule of 3's...]

I'd been meaning to blog about that Hudgen's skank and her shockingly full pubic hair configuration and googly-eye nipples last week but never got around to it. So there ya go.

Anyway - this was a very long blog.

--- Aj