Saturday, January 19, 2008

Bitch I Loved, Bitch I Hated, & Song of the Week!

D'afternoon to y' and y'rs...

I can't even tell you the hell that I am in right now. And the administrator of this hell? Bell fucking Canada. Yep. My phone broke the other day - it's TOTALLY a software issue but they claim that it's water damage. WHICH IS BULLSHIT. Yes, I'm sure that there's the odd time I've yakked momentarily on m'phone in a drizzle or some shit - but I didn't drop the shit in the toilet or anything!

So I'm up in one of those Bell Kiosks at Yonge & Bloor and I go up to two diminutive Asian girls who couldn't have been more than 25 - but then again, with Asian girls you never know... they could have fucking been well into their 60's for all I know... Asian girls look young is what I'm saying... grrr... anyballs - I'm in there and tell them that my phone has just petered out completely... it was gradual, but now it won't turn on... that's when she speculates "okay, it's probably a software issue"... then, lo and behold, she flips open the back, sees this rose coloured dot and says "ahh... water damaged". Then I'm like "oh, okay... whatever... well it's under warranty". Then she informs me that "warranty doesn't cover water damage".

My eyes went white. I transformed into a motherfucking Blitzkrieg.

For about the next 10 minutes I stood there screaming and swearing furiously at these two mild-mannered Asian girls. At one point this one bitch, Teisha was her name, says "yeah, sir, I understand you're frustration over this but I'm going to need to ask you to watch your language"... OH SHIT, NO YOU DI'IN'T BITCH.

I looked her square in the face and said "Honey, you're being paid handsomely for this shit. You can deal with it." During particularly heated moments, I do have the tendency to launch into my sassy black female alter-ego Shoshonya or LaQuesta or whatever-the-shit, as per evidenced above... I have to imagine that it must be pretty difficult to take seriously... no matter...

I stormed out there yelling "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS IS BULLSHIT"... annnnd I have to fucking go back today... that's right - to get me old phone - an LG flip with a green fucking screen... WHICH, by the way, ALSO HAS "WATER DAMAGE" but the shit works FINE! Fuck...

Anyway - in about an hours time there will be some very unlucky Bell clerk who's in for a whole 'nutha round of me. Hell hath remotely no fury like a bitchy queen scorned.

Moving on...


Julie Klausner & Jackie Clarke

Who: Klausner: NYC-based writer/actor/comedian/visual artist and one half of comedy duo, Julie & Jackie. Clarke: NYC-based writer/comedian/actor and other half of comedy duo, Julie & Jackie. Both, helmers of one of the most brilliant things I've ever seen, "Welcome To Our House", and my current obsession.
Why I Love Them: I cannot articulate in English words how brilliant these two are. Holy fuck. If they are not huge stars in a year, something is fucked up in the universe. Check this shit out:

Did that just blow your mind as it did mine? I'm requesting them to see if I can screen it at the next Bitch Salad... holy fuck... I NEED to meet these two...


Tom Cruise

Who, What AND Why I Hate Him: I'm sure everyone's seen this. It's supposed to be a recruitment video for internal use only of Tom Cruise using his star power to coerce morons to join the church of Scientology. Apparently it really wasn't meant for non-Thetan eyes. Oh well, that plan went to shit this week when it leaked and effectively rocketed 18 more nails into Tom Cruise's career. Yeah... he's kind of out of control now... he's been so thoroughly brainwashed, it's just over. He honestly believes he is like the Moses of Scientology. There's just no going back. Anyway... for having his head so far up his ass, Tom Cruise is the Bitch I hate this week.


If I have but one thing to say about it, 2008 will be the year of Frank Stallone. Well, he might have to share the honours with Julie Klausner and Jackie Clarke, but he'll fucking be up there.

Frank, obviously Sylvester's brother, is easily one of the hottest bitches alive. A pseudo-actor and a pseudo-singer, his biggest hit was the 1984 smash hit and song that must haunt the wet dreams of every Solid Gold dancer who ever was, "Far From Over". It was from the entirely unexceptional sequel to Saturday Night Fever, entitled Stayin' Alive, and is currently burnin' up my iPod like you wouldn't believe.

If you don't leap out of your seat and start jazzercising when you hear this, there IS something wrong with you...

Download/Listen to it HERE!

I'm off to bitch slap someone at a Bell kiosk...


--- Aj