Monday, June 23, 2008

Pre-Pride Preporatory Poop

Heyyyy everybody...

A fair Monday to you.

How was y'alls weekend? Mine was cool. Reasonably low-key. I'm currently saving/hoarding my juices for the coming weekend - as it's pride. One eventful thing that happened to me since last I blog'd, that I'd be remiss if I didn't mention, is that on Thursday night I attended the first-ever full-length solo show by brizilliant character comedienne Kathleen Phillips. Holy balls. It was the stuff that dreams were made of... particularly, this video:

Yes. I'm am so thoroughly obsessed with that at present.


The weather here in Toronto continues to be retarded to the third degree. Scattered thunderstorms seem to have become a staple. I think I can kind of remember a time when thunderstorms were relatively rare - angels bowling, y'know - but I swear to crap that they've happened at least twice a day, EVERY day for the past two weeks. This just won't do.

I can't remember a Pride week when it hasn't been a shade below pristine, so it better fuck off by tomorrow... uhhhhbecause:



With very special guests Sue Johansson and resident news corres-PUN-dant, Heidi Brander, pictured, to the left, to the left...

That is, of course, the profile picture from the myspace I set up for her this past Christmastime.

Backstory re: that. For a Christmas present, Heidi went to an authentic Japanese karaoke joint and recorded a full-length album of her singing Christmas songs and distributed to the discs to us. It was basically amazing. Basically.

Anyballs... Beyond that, you may recognize Heidi from a recurring segment at the Salad in which she reads news stories via puns... it's kind of the most amazing thing in the world.
Beyond her typical brand of pun slinging, she's also quite renowned in her work circle for weekly e-newsletters she sends out. The shit is pure gold. This past Friday, she sent out one suggesting do's and don't's that every hag must abide by this Pride... I'm simply going to re-publish it.

I’m here, I’m not queer, get used to it!

Every week is pride week when your name is Heidi Brander! A Saturday night for me typically consists of coordinating my outfit with my network of gays in hopes that I overhear someone point out, “Hey, that guy’s shoes match his hag”. But a gal can get bored when there’s nothing to do (in the most painfully literal sense.) Lucky for you I’m here to fill you in on what NOT to do.

I’ve been kicked out of more gay bars than there are colours of the rainbow, and I’m not even a troublemaker – I’m more Amy Adams than Amy Winehouse! Take heed, ladies: Here is a list of things that WILL get you booted from a gay bar:

-If it’s a rainy night and you have an umbrella in your purse DO NOT open it up on the dance floor during Rhianna’s “Umbrella”.

-When “S Club Party” by S Club 7 comes on, DO NOT attempt to do the worm on the dance floor. Yes, Paul’s getting down on the floor, but you’re getting tossed on the street.

-DO NOT hijack someone else’s song at gay karaoke by grabbing the other microphone and turning the song into a duet. Even if you DID ask for Karma Chameleon before he did.

-And, if caught by a bouncer, DO NOT fake right and break left, scurrying through the crowd Dolores Van Cartier-styles like minute 0:28 of this trailer for “Sister Act”: You are one of three girls in the establishment. They WILL find you.
Ohhhh Brander.

Also in Pre-Pride Prep Poop news, I thought I'd post my annual Pride Mix/This month's Bitch Salad mix. It's a delightful mish-mash or knick-and-knack-and-brick-and-brack-and-things of Pride anthems... some of them old, some of them new, ALL of the positively FAGTASTIC!

Here's the track listing:

Corona - Rhythm Of The Night [Planet Funk Breakbeat Mix]
Donna Summer - Stamp Your Feet [Escape & Colucio Mix]
Seamus Haji - Last Night A DJ Saved My Life [Original]
Crystal Waters - Dancefloor [Speakerbox Mix]
Duffy - Mercy [Gareth Wyn Mix]
The B-52's - Funplex [CSS Mix]
Metro Station - Shake It [Lenny B X-Mix]
Eyes Cream - Fly Away (Bye Bye) [Original]
Sylvester - You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) [Original]
The Waitresses - I Know What Boys Like [TNT Mix]
Robyn - Handle Me [Soul Seekerz Mix]
Kylie Minogue - All I See [Mark!s Deep House Mix
"High School Musical" Cast - What Time Is It? [Jason Nevins Mix]
Shapeshifters - Incredible [Original Extended]
Justin Timberlake - Lovestoned [Justice Mix]
Cheryl Lynn - Got To Be Real [Original]
Tweet - Boogie Tonite [DB Boulevard Mix]
Lady Gaga feat. Colby O'Donis - Just Dance [Trevor Simpson Mix]
Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up [Ralphi Rosario Mix]
C&C Music Factory - Work That Body 2008 [Alex Gaudino Mix]
Funkstar De Luxe vs. Grace Jones - Pull Up To The Bumper [Original]
Beyonce - Get Me Bodied [Hex Hector Mix]

Download/Listen to it HERE!!!

Yes... I know... a remix of a song from "High School Musical"... it was mainly at the prompting of celebrated co-fag, Tranthony Suppa. He's also the one who really prompts me to post these. Despite the fact that I know he'll only fast forward and rewind it to said "High School Musical" remix. And I'm always like "why don't I just send you that song" and he's like "NO! Post the whole thing"...

It's all very reminiscent of that story I reported about Anna Wintour years back... about how she'd ask her assistant to go to Brooklyn to get her this specific bowl of soup... then, she'd just through a gob of butter in it and eat the butter and, as her assistant noted, "it just seemed like a way to eat the butter". THE "HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL" REMIX IS THE BUTTER IN YOUR SOUP, ANTH!!!

Gah... I'm getting crazy... Methinks it's time to Peace Out...


Peace out!

--- Aj