At long last: ANTM Doppelgangbang...

Hello sugars...

Can this week die already? Jeez LouISE.

I'm presently alone in my office listening to "Life Is A Highway" by the ever-enigmatic Tom Cochrane - which is all too fitting considering the amount of time I'll be spending on the highway this weekend and next... this Friday Imma comin' to Kitchener/Waterloo and next to majestic London, Ontario - so if you're in either of those places, come to Yuk Yuks and see me. And we'll make out. Probably.

Anyballs - onto much, much, MUCH important fare... namely:

MY SEMI-ANNUAL ASSESSMENT OF THE GIRLS FROM THE CURRENT CYCLE OF AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL AND WHO THE BALLS THEY LOOK LIKE!!!

Yep...

Well, makeovers happened last night, so it would have just been pointless of me to do this before then - before their looks have settled. But now it's open season...

Something I've noticed this season, as per compared to other cycles, is that all these bitches look like crosses of something and something. Like, no one looks like any one person definitively... they're all ____ meets ____... for instance...

Icy blonde stunner Lauren Brie...


Is a cross between Rachel McAdams circa Mean Girls and Charlize Theron (although personality-wise she reminds me of Cerie from 30 Rock... nevertheless...)

Potential slave to a Saudi Arabian Analeigh (or rather Anal Lee as I know her...)

Comprised of grimey psychopath Denise Richards and self-photographer Miley Cyrus...

All-American girl next door Samantha...

Equal parts she-hulk Brooke Hogan and electro-pop hipster princess Robyn... (pretty much because of the hair... you know you thought the same thing, and for no other reason than the fucking hair...)

Tranny-hating tophy wife-in-training Clark...

One part shrill sensationalist demagogue Ann Coulter, one part 80's era Cher...

Painfully awkward Marseille-ite Marjorie...

Pre-anorexic Claire Danes, meet Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena from Boys Don't Cry...

Unusually lip'd, unfortunately named boxer McKey...

... the sunned love child of Canadian supermodel Linda Evangelista, and Tim Curry as Frank 'N Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show...

Tickety-tock tranny Isis...

... the result of dulcet songstress Sade, and Angel from Rent.

Latest evictee from the Top Model house Brittany...

Equals the broad appeal of Halle Berry plus the just-so placed facial hair of Frida Khalo...

High-pitched good time girl Joslyn...

... the result of former SNL funnywoman Ellen Cleghorne and an unidentified sperm donor...

Newly highlighted Asian girl from 'da hood Sheena...

An exciting cross between the "Rachel" from the Japanese version of Friends - Koharu Kusumi - and popular science fiction starlet (not to mention the daughter for action hero Steven Segal...), Ayako Fujitani... yeah... I got nothin'... sorry... Sheena just looked like any other gentrified Asian chick you'd see on the corner of Dundas and Spadina...

Smoulderingly racist Alaskan Hannah...

The incredibly distasteful duo of emaciated songbird Karen Carpenter and latest kidnapped 'It'-girl Madeline McCann...

And lastly... drastically made-over bixsexual stunner Elina...

Patron Saint of all things sensuous Angelina Jolie, and early-90's shit disturber Curly Sue...

That was an effin' good movie. I think I'm going to buy it today.

Yeah.

Anyballs...

Until tomorrow,

--- Aj

Remember when I used to blog?

So hey.

Long time.

I know.

Y'see, proving that birds of a feather really do flock together, much like Rosie O'Donnell - I decided to take the month of August off from the blog. Unlike Rosie, I failed to mention that I was... so to anyone who thought that I was dead, I'm very sorry. Because I'm SO not dead. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact... but anyballs...

Hope your August was cool. Mine was alright. Just spent time relishing the dog days of summer, mostly - of course, relishing the dog days of summer Andrew Johnston-stylez, means spending little-if-no time lapping up rays of the smiling August sun NOR does it include using the polarizing condiment relish... so I guess it's not really relishing at all... but still... it was nice.

Anyballs, just as the kids have gone back to school today, as have I to this blog. So I'm back. Full force - FULL FORCE!

WHAT a month it's been in the news, huh? Like big, Big, BIG shit hit the fan over the month of August '08. So, as a semi-triumphant return to blogging of sorts, I thought I'd tidily round up the biggest and baddest news stories that made the headlines in August...

1.) SLUMBERING DUDE BEHEADED ON GREYHOUND BUS!!!

Wooo-howdy this one was a doozy. How explosively did everyone crap their pants when they read this one?

The long and short of it: At approximately 8:30 PM Central time just West of Winnipeg, an unassuming 22-year-old carnival worker by the name of Tim McLean was unexpectedly and gruesomely attacked by a previously though-to-be unassuming 40-year-old newspaper delivery person by the name of Vince Weiguang Li.

According to reports, all was silent on the western front until - out of nowhere - this stocky Asian man (Weiguang Li) very purposefully got up and started hacking the dormant McLean with a butcher knife, completely oblivious to the panicking passengers around him - all of which managed to evacuate the bus. Sometimethereafter, Weiguang Li tried to exit the bus, McLean's severed head in hand, but the passengers - who had somehow managed to grow a pair by this point - barricaded him in the bus, threatening him with hammers and wrenches on loan from a passing tow truck they'd flagged down.

By the time that authorities arrived, Weiguang Li was madly pacing up and down the aisle of the bus, saying that he "would have to stay on the bus forever". Obviously that didn't happen, and the crazy bitch was arrested with very little protest.

Appearing in court the day after (pictured), he kept his head bowed, saying nothing, and only nodding ever-so-slightly when the judge asked him if he this was because he was retaining his right to silence. The only time he does go on record saying something is his next court appearance, when he utters "please kill me".

Here's what we know:

- Tim McLean was a hockey trophy-case short of being the quintessential all-Canadian boy next door, which made his passing that much more tragic and that much more newsworthy on the international landscape. For realsies, I think half the reports I read about this dealt with the incident and the other half dealt with the fact that something that happened in Canada was making international news. Ha-cha-cha.

- Vince Weiguang Li had no previous record of violence or mental illness prior to this... but he sure as balls does now. Apparently he was just a very quiet-if-unfriendly solitary immigrant dude who delivered papers and stocked shelves at Walmart or some junk. There's been some talk about him going missing for a few days before this happened, even spending some time in a mental health facility. Anyballs - he's now officially been classified as a paranoid schizophrenic... which means that he'd constantly hear voices in his head that would dictate things for him to do or threaten him... a lot of the time, this manifests itself violently, and more often than not, in suicide, because the affected can't handle the constant inner-torment... and, from what I've been hearing in the mental health community (because I totally hang out in those circles, motherfuckers... read: my mom's a psychiatric nurse and she told me this), that's what's likely to happen to him. Anyballs - his next court date is scheduled for September 8th.

- All sorts of security measures have been proposed to ensure this doesn't happen again - everything from Greyhound barring carry-on luggage to knife registry. YES, KNIFE REGISTRY. Okay... not to belittle this gruesome, gruesome incident and by no means to be insensitive to the deceased... but I think more people are killed by falling asteroids than beheaded on buses. I think this is a bit of an exceptional circumstance. That said, I'm sure as balls not travelling by bus anytime soon, so I guess I'm just a big fat hypocrite. Que Sera Sera.

2.) CHINA SHUNS ITS SNAGGLE-TOOTHED DAUGHTERS!!!

... As if feet binding wasn't enough? Gah.

So, the Olympics came, and the Olympics went. Butterface'd swimmers won medals and journalists protesting China's treatment of Tibet went mysteriously missing.

But the MOST buzz-worthy event to come from Beijing '08, at least in my eyes? That Milli Vanilli fiasco from the opening ceremonies.

The long & short of it: There was a nation-wide search in China (talk about looking for a needle in a hay-stack! Zing.) to look for a girl with a perfect voice to sing a freshly-penned song entitled "Hymn to the Motherland" (which kinda sounds like the title of a Nazi anthem in its blinding grandeur, but whatever) when they finally scrounged up the golden pipes of Yang Peiyi (pictured, right). Rehearsals were going swimmingly until the political powers that be got their panties in a bunch over her rather unpretty snaggle teeth, and at the last minute, replaced with her with a considerably more telegenic counterpart named Lin Miaoke (the bitch who looks plucked straight out of the Chinese chorus of the "It's A Small World" ride at Disney World, pictured to the left).

Here's what we know: Chalk this up to the consorted effort by the Chinese government to gentrify the country in time for the Olympics... On top of rigid anti-spitting laws, mandatory single-file lineup laws and compulsory English lessons for anyone remotely mercantile, it turns out that snaggle teeth aren't beneficial for China's "national interest". Isn't this EXACTLY what happened back in 1990 in the C&C Music Factory's smash-hit "Everybody Dance Now"? How Martha "It's Raining Men" Wash sang the vocals, but in the video, they substituted her for the considerably more-attractive lip synch stylings of Zelma Davis??? And then Martha Wash sued - and won - and then appeared in C&C Music Factory's subsequent hits??? Yeah. It's exactly like that. Except unlike Yang and Lin, I don't think Martha needed to go back to her job assembling Bratz dolls in a sweatshop. Again, Que Sera Sera.

3.) BARACK OBAMA SELECTS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...!!!

... and it's not Hilary...

... or Oprah...

... or even Jackee Harry...

Balderdash.

4.) MCCAIN SELECTS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...!!!

And it's a chick!!! Holy fuck!!! Suck it, Obama!!!

And moreover, it's Tina Fey. Holy balls.

No.

As the world at large knows by this point, her name is Sarah Palin - she's the Governor (or rather, Governess) of Alaska, she's pro-life, pro-gun, pro-anti-gay-marriage, soon to be pro-raping the arctic in search of glorious, glorious oil and about a decade shy of being half McCain's age. For realsies... don't they look like the oddest little May/December romance? Yuck.

Anyballs... isn't this just like the Dr. Suess tome Wacky Wednesday sprung to life? The Democrats choose a surly white dude for Veep and the Republican's choose a ballbustin' broad. What's next?! People wearing shoes on their head and hats on their feet?!?!?! AHHHH!!!

In other news... the McCain campaign musn't be wise to the facebook machine yet. Palin's daughter Bristol (classy name) is pregnant and has ample photographic evidence online that suggests she's an underage drinker. Also, apparently she supported a party in Alaska that's been aiming to separate it from the US. Yeah. FUN!

Finally...

The most important and savoury news item that passed during my hiatus...

5.) "HAIRSPRAY" STAR AND "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL" ALUM BRAWL AT AIRPORT!!!

HOLY BALLS! I leaped out of my skin when this item broke.

The long and short of it: Although details remain scant, early on in August, a real-life edition of Celebrity Family Feud erupted in an airport on the Isle of Turks & Caicos... only instead of beating each other with the most commonly said answer to a general interest survey, they actually used their fists. Apparently the Blonsky family were taking up an exorbitant amount of seats (which, considering their ample physical girth, doesn't seem surprising... but instead, they had their luggage up on it), and refused to move it when a member of that skank bitch from ANTM Cycle 9 Bianca's presumably skanky Klan came up and asked them to. The Blonsky's finally conceited, when someone from The Golden (that's Bianca's last name... because she be classy, y'all) family remarked "I don't want to sit next to no white bitch" and sparring ensued.

Here's what we know: When the dust settled, several people had to be hospitalized - to the surprise of no one, really, as I could see both sides carrying shanks, or at least knowing how to fashion a shank easily - and charges were filed: Both Bianca and Nikki were charged with "bodily harm" while Nikki's father Carl was charged with "grievous bodily harm". Both Bianca and Nikki were released on bail, but Nikki's father Carl remains in custody until a court date sometime this fall.

You couldn't even make this shit up if you tried. I've been waiting with baited breath to hear that this was instead some sort of reality show prank or something, but no - the shit is real! I don't actually think I could ask for a better combination of D Listers to engage in something like this EVER... well... maybe Brigitte Nielson and Clay Aiken or something... that'd be pretty awesome, too...

Whatevs.

Anyway.

More tomorrow.

Good to see you again!!!

--- Aj

That "Plus-Sized Sistas" Blog

Well good Friday to you...

Not like, "Good Friday", the Easter holiday, but yeah, you get it...

Soooo...

Sorry for not blogging yesterday... I had to get my 'ducks in a row' as it were, as I'm at Yuk Yuk's in Ajax all weekend EmCeeing for the ever-delightful and always-hilarious Nikki Payne. Ajax. Yeah. Quite something. I stepped out of the car, looked around, and remarked out loud: "... ... ... people live here?" But it's just about as enjoyable as ever - really great, enthusiastic crowds and Miss Payne fucking destroys it. DESTROYS. We're there tonight and tomorrow night, so if you're a burb dweller east of Toronto, come the fuck down, y'all!!!

Moving on...

BIG NEWS!

Well, it took them 10 'cycles', but Tyra Banks & Co. have finally crowned a plus-sized girl America's Next Top Model!!!

Thaaaat's right - congratulations Whitney Thomson!!!

Whitney - and don't get me started on how awesome her name is in the first place - did what many thought the impossible, and outlasted traditional ANTM skinny bitch model fare (how many people thought Somalian beauty Fatima or positively translucent Anya was gonna take it?) to become the first full-figured winner of America's Next Top Model.

I was very happy. Whitney was my fave from almost-day 1. And, as per usual, I was expecting her ouster from about week 2 onward as they never, ever keep the big girl. Traditionally, 'cracks start to appear'... the girl looses her confidence... she's not servin' up the fierceness... so I was delighted that Whitney finally broke that trend.

And yes yes yes, there's a firestorm of rumours out there that she was asked to apply when she was modelling a size 2, being told that they'd have her on the show as the 'plus-sized girl' if she gained 20 pounds (rumours that are certainly supported by these pre-ANTM shots of her) and blah blah blah... so yeah, that all very much discredits her 'struggle', but whatevs... I choose to celebrate her appointment as America's Next Top Model on principal. So fuck it.

Anyway, to celebrate America's Next Top Model crowning its first-ever plus-sized winner, and because I haven't done a Top 10 list in a coon's age... I now present:

MY TOP 10 PLUS-SIZED SISTAS... EVER!!!

General Note: This list is for tried and true full-figured ladies. NOT for ladies who were formerly livin' large then lost it (I'm looking at you Ricki Lake, Carnie Wilson and Starlette Jones...) nor for bitches who started thin then gained (Kirstie Alley, Sally Struthers, surprisingly even Rita MacNeill...)

10. NELL CARTER


Star of stage (Ain't Misbehavin') and screen (Gimme A Break, much?), the squeaky-voiced Nell Carter worked it out with two breasts as big as planets for her entire time with us. Sadly, she passed away due to heart-disease and complications from diabetes (and some rumoured c'caine use somewhere up in there as well...) in 2003, but her legacy survives... mainly through this.

9.) CAMRYN MANHEIM

One of the most outspoken poster-girls for ladies of a certain girth, Cammy Manheim is most recognizable as Elenor Frutt on the long-running legal drama The Practice (and of course, as over-eager Yearbook editor Toby in Romy & Michele's High School Reunion, whom Jeneane Garofalo's character keeps telling to 'fuck off'). Her big break almost never happened: she was constantly told she'd never play anything except for nurses and prison wardens, she won her star-making role of Elenor Frutt by beating Practice creator David E. Kelly at a game of cribbage. Her book, "Wake Up, I'm Fat!", continues to serve as a bible for big girls everywhere...

8.) KATHY BATES

Oscar-winner for her turn as the demented Annie Wilkes in Misery, and Oscar-nominee for her turn in About Schmidt in which she let it all hang out... and out and out and out in a much-talked-about hot-tub scene. Kathy Bates basically rules. Basically. Just don't swear around her or she'll break your fucking legs.

7.) ROSEANNE

Ahhhh Roseanne Barr Arnold Thomas Barr - the O.G. full-figured force to be reckoned with. Star and producer of the greatest sitcom in the history of television, the self-titled "Roseanne", she defied convention and redefined what was formerly considered sexy and funny with each passing episode. Although her career has all but petered out lately, we'll always have Lanford...

6.) TOCCARA JONES

The apparent poster girl for full-figured women of colour, Toccara rocketed to fame as the sassy requisite plus-sized girl on the third season of America's Next Top Model. The constant stand-out, she won the "Cover Girl Of The Week" viewer poll nearly every week until she cast off at seventh place... (every season, they always cut the plus-sized girl RIGHT before they went abroad... I guess they thought they could cut air-fare costs by shipping a lighter load... who knows). Since then she's become a BET staple and regular on Celebrity Fit Club... and frequently appears in several black men's magazines displaying her best assets... apparent standout quote from the above article, "People been talkin' about my booty. That's a new experience for me". Me as well Toccy, me as well.

5.) MARISSA JARET WINOKUR

I'm not entirely certain, but I'm quite confidant that if you scrouned the earth you could not find a more effervescent person than MJW. First appearing on everyone's radar as Kevin Spacey's boss at the drive-thru in American Beauty, Marissa became a legend when she stepped into the Buster Brown's of Tracy Turnblad, originating the role in the Broadway production of Hairspray - eventually winning the Tony award for it and delivering an acceptance speech to rival Halle Berry's. She broke ground again very recently by cracking the semi-finals of Dancing With The Stars, only to be voted off this past week... whatever... she fucking rules...

4.) MAMA CASS

Light-years ahead of her time, Mama Cass was the ballsy, brassy star of 60's melodic quartet The Mama's & The Papa's. Sort of the prototype of Tracy Turnblad - spunky, portly chick with a voice as big as her confidence... she's even from Baltimore! - no one else came remotely close to what Mama Cass was sellin' in the mid-60's, and no one has since. This clip of her doing "Dream A Little Dream of Me" on The Smothers Brothers show = perfection.

3.) DEBRA DiGIOVANNI

Yaaaaay a homegrown entry! That's right - beyond being one of the quintessential female presences in comedy, Deb DG stands as the comedic voice for the big girls out there in Canada nd soon: THE WORLD.

2.) JANN ARDEN

Keep the CanCon comin' - who doesn't love this "Insensitive" Canadian singer/songwriter who once famously recalled being told that she "was 20 pounds away from being a superstar". As famous for her onstage banter as she is her solid melodies, who the balls doesn't love Jann Arden???? Not me, that's for certain... as per evidenced by this picture I had taken with her at Brockville's Riverfest celebrations back in 1998:

Yep. For those of you who didn't believe that I had the EXACT same haircut as Backstreet Boy Nick Carter in the late 90's, BELIEVE IT.

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) MICHAEL LAWRENCE DOYLE YERXA

Pictured in one of my proudest photoshop creations, my best co-fag beats all these bitches HANDS DOWN. Y'welcome baby - y'Numba 1!!!

And no... Beth Ditto's not on the list... she kinda scares me... deal with it...

In other news:

AHHHH!!! ALMOST A WEEK AWAY!!!!

Gotta go to Ajax,

People live here?

--- Aj

That [severely belated] America's Next Top Model Doppelgangers Blog!

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy muggles...

Sorry for the absence yesterday. Batshit insanity in the busy-ness department.

First off - thanks so much for everyone who mentioned that the incomparable Sarah Silverman also has a smouldering penchant for BabyBel cheese, one that she spoke about in this clip from when she hosted the Independent Spirit awards...

I totally saw that ages ago. There's very little out there that Miss Silverman has done that I haven't seen multiple times and studied...

Second off - CHIKEZIE'S GONE. Ha. Just like I'd predicted. I know I didn't actually call anything beyond him being in the bottom 3 per se, but that's what I actually predicted - I thought I'd put a hex on the whole thing if I actually committed it to writing. So my plan worked perfectly... muahaha...

Someone else who's plan worked perfectly was Kristy Lee motherfucking Cook. That patriot porn she served up did the trick. It's also cursed me with having Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The USA" in my head somethin' fierce. My bosses were like "why the fuck are you singing Lee Greenwood's 'God Bless The USA', asshole?" and I was all "BECAUSE I'M ILL!"... It's fucked up...

Thirdly - Some of you have been downright mystified about why I have remained so mum about commenting on this current season of America's Next Top Model. And to you I say - m'I dunno. I guess it's just not the hot button thing that it used to be, in my eyes. I still enjoy it immensely - don't get it twisted, to quote Cycle 5's downright fugly chick with a winning personality, Ebony.

So, to those of you needing to be thrown an ANTM bone, here's sumpthin' for ya...

A few seasons ago I noticed that an exorbitant amount of the girls in said season were downright doppelgangers of celebrities of the then-moment. This season, I'm noticing it as well.

So, here's my assessment of the current crop of America's Next Top Model hopefuls and their celebrity doppelgangers...

Newly-minted bitch Claire and Ashley Judd...



Prodigious punk-rock misfit Lauren and Canadian treasure Sarah Polley...

Recently-ousted mega-bitch who used to be A.) anorexic and B.) allegedly big in Japan Allison and Alyssa "Samantha Micelli" Milano...

Even more recently-ousted girl next door Prudence McPrude Aimee and tweenage It-girl Miley Cyrus...

Plus-sized stunner Whitney and recovering-alcoholic Queen of Country Music, Wynonna...

Ghostly, weird accent-bearing Anya and Tilda Swinton as the Witch in The Chronicles of Narnia...

Mail-order bride-chic Katarzcyna and pouty weirdo Jonathan Rhys Meyers...

A two-parter:

Vaginally circumsized Somalian beauty Fatima as A.) Iman, obviously...

and B.) He-man ubervillain, Skeletor...

Squeaky-voiced oddball Stacy-Ann and mischievous cartoon fowl, Tweety Bird...

Lonesome ghetto-rat Marvita and Disney's premiere barnyard ingenue, Clarabelle Cow...

Batshit-nuts Amis and flamboyant funnyman, Jim J. Bullock...

And, another toss-up...

Haggard super-bitch Dominique and A.) Wilson Jermaine Heredia as Angel in Rent...

and B.) a catcher's mit...

That's all.

Have a blessid weekend.

See you soon...

... WITH BIG NEWS!

--- Aj