What day is this?
Why this? This is Christmas day!
Well no... it's totally not. 5 more sleeps or something like that. But it TRULY is the most wonderful time of the year... I'll give it that. Made unavoidable by the constant barrage of Christmas Carrol's piping through every sound system in every concourse walkway that are so near and dear to me (I swear, that's the ONLY way I travel... I've oft said that my ideal living situation would to be in the Manulifie centre so I'd never need to set foot outside at all...)
That's really neither here nor there. In celebration of the season and recognition of the Chinese water torture that is constant Christmas Carrol's, I now present MY TOP 10 CHRISTMAS SONGS... EVER!!!
10.) Burl Ives - "Have A Holly, Jolly Christmas"
From those ubiquitous Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and Herbie the elf claymation-esque stop-motion Christmas movies of EVERYONE'S youth, the consummately jolly Burl Ives (as Frosty the Snowman, crooner and narrator) crooned the pants off of everyone with this instant classic. Side note: Y'all remember Herbie the elf??? Arguably one of the first and most poignant gay icons of history. I wonder if he ever did achieve those dreams of being a dentist... Anyballs, listen/download the song HERE!
9.) John Lennon & Yoko Ono - "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)"
Well it's totally not, but it's a nice thought. The songs' impetus was a series of billboards that John and Yoko rented out all over the world saying "War Is Over" in a huge heading, then in a teency heading underneath it, "If You Want It... Happy Christmas from John & Yoko". Whiiiich you could have just read in the picture above it, but no. Anyballs, a protest song was penned saying the same thing and featuring the Harlem Children's choir and saw massive success following Lennon's death in 1980. Although a protest song through and through about the Vietnam war, it's now leapt right into the the popular Christmas Carrol canon. It's covered devastatingly in a version by Melissa Etheridge that you can download/listen to it HERE!
8.) "Turkey Lurkey" from "Promises, Promises"
Ha. I don't know what to tell ya. At first watching/listening to this song was for me, like the equivalent of picking a scab: painful yet I kept doing it. Now it's officially crept past irksome compulsion to guilty pleasure. "Turkey Lurkey" is a song performed by three old-tymey secretaries (Mimeographer, much?) at a Christmas party in the Burt Bacharach/Hal David musical "Promises, Promises". To download, I have the version from the musical "Camp"... Download/Listen to it HERE!
7.) Brenda Lee - "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree"
... at the Christmas party hop! ... We really need to bring "hops" back. Ah, Brenda Lee. There she is, pictured above, present day. It's any one's guess as to whether she's festively festooned herself in reference to her classic holiday hit, or whether the old dear got confused in a fit of dementia and crashed into a box of Christmas lights. Or both - WHO KNOWS. Anyballs, this is basically the feelgood hit of the century. Basically. Download/Listen to it HERE!
6.) Toss Up: Whitney Houston - "Little Drummer Boy" and "Do You Hear What I Hear"
Have a very Whitney Christmas - is there any other kind? Two offerings: the first is a version of Christmas staple "The Little Drummer Boy" from her last studio album, "One Wish" (Weekend Update joke: "Houston's one wish this Christmas? More crack."... it was circa 2003!) It features guest vocals from her daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown and is worth listening to until the end to hear Whitney go absolutely fucking nuts with the "Ruppa Pum Pum"... Download/Listen to it HERE! The next: From the all-star charity album "A Very Special Christmas" circa 1987, a masterful cover of "Do You Hear What I Hear" by Whitney just slightly before her prime... Download/Listen to it HERE!
PALETTE CLEANSER: Ali Lohan - "Lohan Holiday"
And the award for most unnecessary Christmas album ever made goes toooo... Yeah, WHAT THE FUCK? So based on the fact that her sister was a semi-famous film star, she gets a Christmas album? Whoever actually bought this shit needs to be shot in their junk... AND FAST! "Let me take you on a Lohan holiday / A winter wonderland that's oh so far away / Don't have to go no where just let your mind escape / Come on a journey to this Lohan Holiday". There are so many jokes waiting to be made that it's making my head spin. So I won't make any. Just let the song speak for itself.
5.) Darlene Love - "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"
SUUUUCH an awesome song. Renowned, of course, because she ritualistically sings it on David Letterman around this time of year and will be sorely missed this year due to the writer's strike. I effin' love this woman and this song - unfortunately I couldn't find an MP3 of her singing it, so here's U2 instead... Download/Listen to it HERE!
4.) Bette Midler - "Mele Kalikimaka"
It is, after all, the thing to say on a bright Hawaiin Christmas day. Wow. It really doesn't get gayer and more Christmas-y than this. Off of The Divine Miss M's most recent offering, "Cool Yule", it's the standard greeting said in Hawaii (Midler's home state) on Christmas. I first became acquainted with this song through "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" - as I assume most people did. From the scene in which Clark (Chevy Chase) is visualizing the pool that he's going to buy his family with his Christmas bonus that he never ends up getting, and the whole thing turns out semi-pornographically. Anyway... hula hula... Download/Listen to it HERE!
3.) Wham! - "Last Christmas"
Ahhh the days before George Michael was gay - as per evidenced in this classic yule tide snapshot of him and Wham!mate Andrew Ridgley. Yeah... they might as well be full-on ass fucking in this picture, but I digress. This song is a fucking masterpiece... and an apt cautionary tale of giving your heart to someone on Christmas who may very well give it away on Boxing Day. This Christmas, put this song on, and seductively whisper, "Happy Christmas"... Download/Listen to it HERE!
2.) Mariah Carey - "All I Want For Christmas Is You"
"Silent Night" and "Angels We Have Heard On High" can suck it, because this song EASILY owns their asses. Off Mariah Carey's mid-90's "Merry Christmas" album, it's one of the most popular seasonal hits of all time, becoming insanely popular on the radio this time of year for about three weeks, then going back into hibernation. Honestly, who the balls doesn't love this song??? Anyway... Download/Listen to it HERE!
1.) Sarah Silverman - "Give The Jew Girl Toys"
YES! Big S takes the top spot with her hysterically funny and surprisingly easy-on-the-ears quandary to Santa about why she and her Jewish brethren get shafted come Christmas. This lyric alone wins her the top spot: "You have a list / Well Schindler did too / Liam Niesen played HIM / Tim Allen played YOU". Yes. Download/Listen to it HERE!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night,