Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Greetings! From the brink of death.


No, actually. Glorf.

That's how I feel. I'm sick, y'all. Somethin's going around and I full blown caught it. I've been bed-ridden for the last two days... well, three if you count m'Sunday.

I'm just going to punch in a tiny weekend roundup then drag my woefully sorry ass back to bed and watch as much as I can stomach of the premiere of "Kid Nation" - TONIGHT... AT 8 PM... CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS...

So right off the bat - Thursday night I got some very good and very unexpected news: I got into the LA Comedy Festival!!! I know - fucking crazy, huh? My agent submitted his entire roster and I just basically did it on a lark, but yeah. Who the balls knew? So I'm going down to LA at the end of October... and I don't have a passport... which needs to be remedied and is currently the absolute bain of my existence.

Pressing on: SaturDAY I spent getting all this info off to LA... they wanted all this promotional stuff which I don't have. I was on the website for last year's fest and they had people there who counted recurring roles on "Entourage" and fucking "Punk'd" to their resumes... I literally put "Andrew is from Canada, where he assures us, he's kind of a big deal" - AND THAT ISN'T EVEN TRUE!!! AHHHH!!!

But yeah. My Vancouver-based BFF Mike is going down with me (in more ways than one, as I imagine we'll have to find creative ways to make ends' meet whilst there). We've already assembled our laundry list of obligatory LA hotspots that we'll be going to: Nobu, Koi, Les Deux, The Chateau Marmont, Pinkberry, the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, the scene of the crime of the Black Dhalia murder, Craig T. Nelson's star on the Walk of Fame and time permitting, a day trip to Fresno.

Anyway - SaturNIGHT was spent Buddies-ing with Katherine "Kitty" Ryan who was in town from approximately the 4th to the 17th before jetting off indefinitely to Londontowne, Englandland. Pictured: Me, Her, Anth, doing gay face.

Wanting to maximize her appearances with various acquaintances whilst here, Kitty was set to dash off to the Guverment at the stroke of 1 and for some reason that I'll never be able to explain, I went with her. No, I know why I did... I wanted to maximize Kitty time... and upon receiving the invitation in passing, I have to imagine that at that very second I glanced around and drunkenly decided "Fuck this. Th'ain't nobody I'm goin' home with - LET'S GO!" and did.

So we go down to the Guverment where a party promoter and MuchMusic producer by the name of John Paul - a fellow that Kitty went way, waaay back with... all the way to their "Electric Circus" days, she tells me... ... I wish I had Electric Circus days... *sigh* - and go up to a VIP section replete with velvet rope, bottle service, and, I absolutely shit you not, A HYPE MAN. YES, A HYPE MAN. Right next to us, which was right next to the DJ, was a Hype Man.

For those of you who don't know what a Hype Man is, in the context of a party, the Hype Man is usually a thugg-ish looking dude who spews "YEAH!", "WHAT!", "LET'S GO!", "MAKE SOME NOISE" et al etc over the music. Why? I'm not sure. But I made it my business to get a picture with him.


Anyway - I got way too drunk. WAAAY too drunk. I raped a bottle of Belvedere like a Viking to a nunnery.

And poured out of there sometime around what I'm guessing was 2 AM or so when all of a sudden I hear yelping and distress from underneath the overpass at Lakeshore and Lower Jarvis...

It's some chick who's crying, saying she's been drugged and losing consciousness rapidly - and two guys who are fighting over her. Like "Dude back the fuck off!", each proclaiming they know her and that they'll take care of her... so I 'step in' and tell her she'll be just fine and that I don't want what she's sellin' and I'll call 9/11... the dudes continue to fight over her and I'm like "well the cops have been called now" and one of them recognizes me from Yuk Yuk's and tells me I'm really funny.

Do you remember that scene in "The First Wives Club" when they're escaping from the penthouse apartment via the window washing trolley and it gets jammed in front of a couple making love... and they recognize Goldie Hawn's character, "Elyse Elliott", and start yelling "Elyse! You look great!", to which she hears it, breaks face in the harrowing situation that the First Wives are in and enthusiastically says "THANK YOU!" and then the window washing tolley drops again and they're back in a life-threatening scenario?
TOTALLY WHAT I DID!!! It's like "tears, crying, fighting, tears, girl passing out, guys about to fist fight, me on phone with 911, me freaking out, girl about to vommit, girl crying, guys fighting, 'oh you're a comic, you're really funny', "THANK YOU!", girl crying, guys fighting, me yelling at operator"... Nuts.

So finally an ambulance comes and all of a sudden one of the guys DISAPPEARS. Like DISAPPEARS. Into the night. Like a thief. He was there one second - the next, gone. The guy who thought I was funny stayed and saw her entire rescue through - I knew he was the good one. He had to be.

Anyway... that was that. Some people might call me a Good Semaritan. I call me a Great Semaritan.

I actually call me sick as fuck and order myself back to bed. I had intended to do an entire Emmys wrap up but I've heard they were the second lowest-rated telecast in the history of the awards, so I'm sure you wouldn't have cared. Yay.

--- Aj