Thursday, February 28, 2008

Idol Predictions...

I'm going to have to positively clip through this today.

Tonight, I'm doing a fundraiser in Kitchener. It's for their annual Pride festivities. Whoa whoa whoa - I know, hold the effin' phone - THERE ARE GAY PEOPLE IN KITCHENER?! I was amazed to find that out as well. We'll see exactly how many tonight.

Anyway - IDOL. GO!

Firstly, this week's theme was 70's. Last week's was the 60's. I can only assume that next week's will indeed be the greatest decade ever committed to music - THE 80'S. It better be! Keep it chronological, motherfuckers!

Secondly, this week's pre-performance interview theme was "something that would surprise the American public about you". It wasn't always so surprisingly.


Michael Johns likes tennis. It's his escape, apparently. As such, he's been needing to play a lot of it. Oh Jesus I don't know how I even stayed awake whilst writing that. He sang Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way", a reasonably awesome song. Is it just me or does he always go sliiightly under the big notes? Kind of cheats them. And furthermore, is it just me, or does he look like Rob Lowe in that photo?

Jason Castro still rules. Smart move bringing out the guitar two weeks in a row -really. He had 0.0 screen time before this, so he needs to establish himself and make up for a lot of lost time - so I'd recommend he keep bringing out that damned guitar until they literally have to pry it out of his hands. LOVED him this week. Thought it was a very sincere performance. I find that he's the only guy that I actually anticipate, so I hope he's around for a while.

Luke Menard sucks. Holy fuck does he suck. His take on "Killer Queen" made me uneasier than I've been since my bout with pseudo-dysentery circa last May. Him revealling his acapella-group roots didnt' exactly do him any favours either.

Robbie Carrico turns into more and more of a douchebag with each passing second. He should have traded in Foreigner's "Hot Blooded" for Terry Jacks' "Seasons In The Sun" - that would have been a better fit. Seriously, this bitch isn't even rock 'n roll enough to play 'Roger' in a Rhode Island Community College production of Rent. And no one fucking cares about your ferver for drag racing - stop trying to pander to the Nascar set!

Danny Noriega is fierce. That's all there is to it. I was trying to resist, but I've since given up. I'm just so happy that someone as blatantly flamboyant and bizarre has been given the public access that American Idol provides. And he can sing, too. I hope for 80's week he sings something by The Culture Club. Preferably "I'll Tumble For Ya".

David Hernandez has kind of got drag queen arms. His version of "Papa Was A Rolling Stone" was not without its charm and power, but he's a little too serious for my liking. If he could just break off a teency, teency piece of Danny's sense of humour and stop doing everything with life-or-death intensity, I'd like him a bit more.

I'd prefer it if Jason Yaeger refrains from looking at or speaking to me. The sort of born-again-Christian Charlie Sheen-vibe he exudes permeates my being. And I lose sleep over that. That was a farce. Doobie Brothers? Bitch, please. And that little 'closing gesture' he used to bring it on home sealed his fate, methinks.

Chikezie is the only black dude. He looks like one of The Klumps. Or perhaps one of Eddie's best friend on Family Matters. I really don't find him exceptional. I find him very ordinary, which is part of his charm. I find people rooting for him because he's so "guy-behind-the-desk-at-Kinko's" blue-collar amateur. Meh. He'll survive this week but his days are definitely numbered.

David Cook is a self-proclaimed "word nerd". He enjoys crossword puzzles, word searces, junior jumbles, fuckin' hours spent playing Scrabbulous, and watching televised spelling bee's. He busted out his axe this week on Free's "Alright Now" and did a pretty decent job of it. The sass-talking to Simon kind of fell flat - kind of REALLY fell flat. And Simon seemed to take it pretty hardly, too. Because he has feelings. Lots of them. Seriously though, David might want to cool off on the 'tude. It's what took last season's Chris Sligh from front-runner to 9th place finisher in a heartbeat.

David Archuleta is currently America's boner juice. People love this kid. I established yesterday that while I empathize with them, I don't sympathize with them. I can understand but can't relate kinda-thing. One thing that I feel very strongly about discussing: that part in his intro video where he reminisces fondly about running into the Top 10 from first season (including Kelly Clarkson, most notably, and Jim Verraros, least notably) when he was 12 or so, and serenaded them with "And I Am Telling You" from Dreamgirls. Did anyone else find that extremely uncomfortable and embarassing? Hearing this 12-year-old helium voice belting out a Dreamgirls song in a hotel lobby unprompted? I found it so uncomf! And embarassing! Like when a retarded person enthusiastically and loudly alerts you that your shoe is untied on the subway... "SIR! YOUR SHOE IS UNTIED! SIR! SIR! SIR! YOUR SHOE!!!"... I only mention that because it totally happened to me today... ughhh it's so embarassing... you just fucking look around and notice everyone else looking at you thinking "Thank Christ that's not happening to me"... and then you need to tie it in front of them and they fucking clap afterwards and GAH I can't handle it... ANYBALLS - that's how I felt watching a tiny(er) David Archuleta serenading the first season Idols. Of course his performance was fine. He's definitely the front-runner at this point.


Carly Smithson is amazing. Even before the night became as a dreadful as t'was, I was like "holy fuck... this bitch is top notch". "Crazy On You"? Really? Note-for-note perfection, anyone? Really? Yes, yes, yes and yes. And her interview package was the definition of adorable. Can anyone make a fucking shamrock in the foam of a Guiness? *no one raises their hand* I didn't think so.

Syesha Mercado grows underwhelming-er week to week. Last week established that she's a bitch. This week established that she's an actress and singing's her way of "standing out from the herd". Then she went and sang "Me and Mr. Jones" and it sucked parrot balls. I swear - if next week is 80's song, and you don't do Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know", it's all over. Consider that a warning.

Brooke White is not all she's cracked up to be. Yes, her ethereal singer-songwriter schtick is unique within this competition, but not in the music industry. There are aboundingly more talented versions of Brooke out there. But meh, there are also aboundingly less talented versions of Brooke out there, so gabba gabba hey - live ya life. I think she really sounds like Loretta Lynn. If there's a country theme, maybe she can sing some Loretta Lynn song like "Coal Miner's Daughter" or "Fist City" or "Ain't Nothin' Cuter Than A Fat Country Baby Eatin' Peaches Off A Hardwood Floor" or some country gem like that shit...

Ramiele Malubay turned in a performance exactly no better or no worse than any karaoke performance I've ever seen by a musically competent Phillipino or Phillipina. She's got a lovely voice, but it was such an incredibly middling performance that wouldn't have even been the highlight of a college karaoke night.

I'm sure in the culture from whence she comes, the clothes that Kristy Lee Cook wore last night are nothing short of holy vestments; haute couture niceties that speak three words - "I have arrived". Yeah, not in my world. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?! Bitch looks like an extra in a Vegaboys video/the skanks at all my high school dances. Beyond that, she did a serviceable-if-detached version of one of my all-time favourite songs, Linda Ronstadt's "You're No Good". No Kristy, you're not.

Amanda Overmyer ate it hard last night. I know the world at large loves her on principle - she's the first authentic female rocker the show's had - but I'm not certain that'll be enough to save her after last night's debacle on Kansas' "Carry On My Wayward Son". Indeed, she had some rather... bombastic dance moves, but I just don't see how anyone could reason voting for her after that performance and more specifically, that hair...

Alaina Alexander truly is the darkhorse of this competition. I don't think the bitch is half-bad, to be perfectly honest... Her voice is sort of reminiscent of a raspier Kelly Clarkson (well, except Kelly had a habit of actually staying on key), but there are definitely glimmers there. If she can somehow escape the cursedly bad songs she's been selecting ("Hopelessly Devoted To You"? WTF) she just might have a chance...

My love for Alexandrea Lushington knows absolutely no bounds. Holy fuck. As if she sang Chicago's "If You Leave Me Now"... actually, come to think of it, the songs that have been selected by the girls this week largely mirror first year University and everyone developing half-tongue-in-cheek obsessions with classic rock/AM Radio. "Crazy On You", "Carry On My Wayward Son", "Magic Man" and this little treasure by Chicago. I actually think she did a really good job, despite the fact that the judges - and even Alexandrea herself - didn't think so. I think it's time to switch up the cargo pants, however...

Kady Malloy is doomed. DOOMED. She had a dagger hanging over her head suspended by a cobweb after last week, and last night it easily snapped. Although her version of Heart's "Magic Man" wasn't the greatest crime ever committed against humanity, it sure wasn't great. She was missing precisely 4 of the ballsacks you need to come within footsteps of Ann and Nancy Wilson. And what the balls is with that earth stone kaftan she was wearing? Bahhh...

Asia'H Epperson needs to get rid of that damned 'H' on the end of her first name. What the fuck is that supposed to be about? I agreed with everything out of Simon's mouth - the song was WAY too big for her and laid her limitations bare. You don't want to do that on American Idol. But so often they do - their heads get so far up their ass, they think they can do a 'passable' version of this song or that song despite the fact that they're light years away from equalling yer Celine's or yer Whitney's, and now you know how far they can't go. At least she's pronouncing her consonants this week, though.


Fuck. I wouldn't be surprised to see any of the girls except Carly and/or Brooke in danger. It really could be 8 of them going home. Buuut, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Kady and either Ramiele or Amanda are done.

On the other hand, I'm going to come back from that limb I just went out on, stay very close to the trunk and predict that Luke Menard and Jason Yaeger will be bleating their swan songs on the boys' side.

Time will tell...

Time will tell...

Another thing time will tell?



I'm off to Kitchener. I hope it's nice.

--- Aj