Monday, March 10, 2008

Arch Enemas.

I don't even know what that's supposed to mean...

Well, it's a reference to my feet... because, you see, if there's one person who's most definitely NOT a candidate for foot fetish porn right now, it's me.

Saturday night: in a fit of drunken 'shenanigans', some play-fighting went a titch too far and a toe on my right foot (not the middle toe, not the baby toe, but that useless one between those two) bore the positively elephantine brunt of someone.

Currently, it's so swollen, it looks like a penis. A great big, skanky, scarlet-red penis with a dwarfed toe-nail on the end of it. It's not too glamorous. I thought about taking a picture of it, but really, it's so gross.

So I can barely walk. I'm someone who's very "Point A to Point B in the quickest amount of time" so this is driving me MAD. I'm fucking hobbling everywhere like a wounded wildebeest. I'm officially like one of those exceptionally slow elderly people that I hate - and will STILL hate after this has healed, make no mistake about it... no no no no no - this will absolutely not give me any sort of perspective into what it feels like to be someone who's mobility-challenged... I'll still find those people annoying as hell. Well, I might be sympathetic for them for like, a week. But after that I'll be back to rolling my eyes, snarling and baring my upper teeth at them...

Anyballs... this weekend in Toronto sucked. We were lambasted by snow, yet again. This has really got to stop. Holy fuck. Like, it's just never ending at this point. Particularly if I'm given crutches, watch out. Me trying to manoeuvre crutches for the first time in my life and in the the thick of the snowiest winter we've ever had in Toronto... Fuck that. I'll take disability. I wonder if I can do that. Hmmm...

Anyballs, Pt 2. -



Who: Big-voiced elfin Emosexual/13th-place finisher on Season 7 of American Idol.
Why I Loved Him: What is conceivably not to love? The first unabashedly out semi-finalist in American Idol history, Danny sassed and snapped his way through whatever Simon could dish out. Beyond that, he served as a positively glowing example to teenage homos that's sorely needed right now in the wake of a string of teenage homo murders, or rather, teenage homo-cides. Beyond THAT, his little emo vlogs that have surfaced (like the one above - TAKE THAT, CHRISTMAS! *SNAP*) are fierce.



Who: I know. Who exactly is this bitch and how did she get famous? Her big 'acting' credits are as some pseudo-vixen on daytime soap-opera, Days Of Our Lives, which she parlayed into playing another pseudo-vixen on night-time soap-opera, Melrose Place. She then parlayed that into a hosting gig on TV Guide Channel's Soap Talk and competed on some season of Dancing With The Stars. She now does stunningly-informed work at various red carpet events for E!, as per evidenced above...
Why I Hated Her: Beyond the fact that her face is irreconcilably busted, and that she's someone who would gleefully attend the opening of an envelope... DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH, ASSHOLE! I have problems believing that you're too busy practicing pursing your lips in the mirror to take 2 fucking minutes out of your day and Google Amy Adams. GOOD GRIEF!

Speaking of Amy Adams... her SNL was a little underwhelming this weekend... the standout sketch, for me, was the last one - which seems to be a recurring theme of late... "Lady Business" was the last sketch of the Tina Fey episode... Ellen Page's coming-out sketch was the last sketch last week... hmmm... - anyway, the sketch centred around 4 single girl friends going out to a bar continually performing a dance they did back in high-school to varying tempos, pretending like they were reluctantly forced to do it... They did it at normal speed to Rihanna's "Umbrella", then double-time to REM's "It's The End of the World", then half-time to Peaches & Herbs' "Reunited" THEN they did it to one guy's chime-y cell phone ring! AMAZING!

I totally knew girls like that in high school. Girls who got together for talent shows and made up thoroughly uninspired dance routines that you know they dig out every time they're gathered together and preface it by saying "Oh God! I wonder if I even remember it... let's see... does it go like - "





My toe is going to be amputated.


See you tomorrow,

--- Aj