Friday, February 29, 2008

That "Top 10 Supermodels who SHOULD have replaced Twiggy instead of Paulina BORE-oskova on ANTM" Blog

Happy Friday to y' and y'rs...

Firstly - thank you Kitchener. You're just lovely, lovely people. Last night's show was a blast and a half. And I finally got things cleared up as to exactly what separates Kitchener & Waterloo - it's a river and a few street signs, apparently. And not, as I had guessed, a wall that houses a communist city-state on one side and Westernized values on t'other.

Secondly - I can promise you this: starting today at 8 PM, I am going to sleep for 48 hours straight. I'm effin' wiped. I will only wake up to catch Ellen Page host SNL and resurface sometime Sunday night to prepare for the next installment of Bitch Salad -



Thirdly - Okay. So I missed the mark HUGECORE last night on Idol. The only one of my predictions that came true was Jason Yaeger-Bomb. Who actually looked surprised. Jesus.

I was pleasantly surprised to see Robbie Carrico sent packing as well. My throat is that much more comfortable now knowing it won't have notions that Robbie's a ROCKER shoved down it constantly from now on.

On the girls side: SHOCKING. Well, sort of. I was really disappointed to see Alexandrea Lushington leave us... I really hate it when they sing songs that are really fitting when they depart - shit that all of a sudden becomes really literal. Such as "If You Leave Me Now". Or "Hopelessly Devoted To You" - the song that did supposed "dark horse" Alaina Alexander in.

Who the balls saw that one comin'? When Ryan brought her and the inexplicably sustaining Kady Malloy centre stage, everyone in the world was expecting Kady to be served her walking papers - no one more so than Kady, by the looks of it. The look on her face when she found out she was safe and t'was instead Alaina going home was priceless. PRICELESS. I swear to Christ I watched it like 13 times. It was like "I have so thoroughly accepted that I am going home this week... here comes my name... here comes my name... I'm going to thank my family and America for voting for me... then I'm going to sing "Magic Man" again, and it's going to suck again... I totally won't cry because I SO know that I'm going home... then, I'm going to go back to the hotel and pack my curling iron- WHAT THE FUCK?! I'M SAFE?!"

Then Alaina had a crackdown that y'haven't seen in a coon's age on that program. I thought she was gonna run off stage or something - it was awesome. Ahhh well. And that's done.

In other reality programming news, America's Next Top Model debuted its 10th season this past week, and it was revealed that the resident "oldest living supermodel" spot on the judge's panel is now occupied by Paulina Poroskova, who has now replaced Twiggy (who herself replaced Janice Dickinson).

Naturally, I'm not sold on this decision. Mind you, I was never a fan of Twiggy, but I was getting used to her I suppose. At least she was a bonafide fashion Icon, if not a crazy bitch like Janice.

But Paulina Poroskova?! She's fucking NEITHER! I can think of about a million choices that would have been more suitable and more effective to occupy the "eccentric retired supermodel with years of wisdom in the business to impart on fledgling pseudo-models".

And, since it's Friday - a day made for countdowns - here is my list of Top 10 Crazy, Old-As-Hell Retired Models Who SHOULD Have Replaced Twiggy Instead of Paulina BORE-oscova!!!

Some omissions before we begin: Supermodels already attached to fashion-reality shows (Heidi Klum, Elizabeth Hurley, Iman) are inelligable; Naomi Campbell is inelligable due to the fact that Tyra openly despises her; Giselle Bundchen is inelligable because I think she's a skank.

Annnnnd we begin -


Linda Evangelista clocks in at 42 years old and hails from St. Catherine's, Ontario, CANADA! WOO-HOO. She entered modelling in 1978 upon winning the Miss Teen Niagara Pageant - which, I have to assume was filled with some real fuckin' beauts... if you know the Niagara regian local aesthetic, I'm sure you can understand. Aaaanyway - she was one of the Big 5 Supermodels back in the day... along with Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Christy Turlington - her claims to fame include kick-starting the whole "women having short, boyish haircuts" movement, lip synching George Michael songs and speaking the now-infamous quote "I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day". With blithe arrogance like that, I'm certain she would have been an asset at the ANTM judging table.


Jean Shrimpton is 65 years old and comes to us from Buckinghamshire, England. A staple of Londontowne in the swinging 60's, "The Shrimp" help make the emaciated, working class waif the gold standard that all models must abide by since. "But wait, aren't you talking about Twiggy?" Yeah... her and Twiggy are pretty much interchangable. They rose to fame at pretty much the same time in pretty much the same place for pretty much the same reasons. Her claim to fame, besides inventing anorexia, is that she wore the first miniskirt... EVER! Apparently bakc in 1965 she went to this huge hoity-toity sporting affair wearing a white skirt that went - *GASP* - above the knee. This was a huge fucking deal at the time. It spurred a revolution. Skanks have been rejoicing ever since. Seeing as her and Twiggy are basically the same person, and she'd have that whole "I wore the first mini-skirt EVER" thing going for her, I can't see her being out of place on the ANTM panel.


Carol Alt rings in at 47 years old and hails from Long Island, NY. Rocketing to fame in the early 90's via the Sport Illustrated sensation, Carol is yet another model who claims to be the first super model - she claims that title was given to her by then-head of Elite Models blah blah blah. She's gone on to star in a bunch of movies (mostly European for whatever reason) and wrote a book about the Raw diet - all raw foods, all the time. Currently, she can be seen proving her business acumen and tussling with Z-Listers Omorosa and Stephen Baldwin in the final episodes of The Celebrity Apprentice (a show that I swear to Christ I'm the only person watching). Opinionated and clearly at ease in a reality show environment, I think Carol would be a welcome addition to the ANTM inner circle.


Countess Vera von Lehndorff-Steinort, better known as Veruschka, is 68 years old and was born into an affluent family in Prussia (now Russia). Her father was a Nazi resister and tried (and failed) to assassinate Adolf Hitler! Well Adolf didn't take too kindly to that and had her father hanged. She spent many years in various labor camps until the end of the war, that then saw her study art in Hamburg. She was discovered by a photographer whilst there and her career as a model took off under her mysterious moniker "Veruschka". Towards the end of the 70's, she moved away from modelling and into the art world, becoming one of Salvador Dali's muses. From what I can gather, she had quite a penchant for body painting. Anyway - the woman's batshit nuts, peaked during the cocaine and art scene of the late 1970's and still looks good at almost 70. Isn't that more than enough reason to add her to the Top Model panel?


Jerry Hall is 52 years old and hails from Mesquite, Texas. Weird, right? I always thought she was British. She's kind of got a British accent. That's kinda fucked. Annnnyballs - this 6-foot stunner is yet another model who came of age in the fast and nasty 1970's, starting by treading the catwalks of Paris and eventually repping makeup giants like Revlon - but it's undoubtably her penchant for rock stars that have brought her most of her notoriety. Specifically, her turbulent decades-long affair with Mick Jagger. They finally stopped kidding themselves and called it quits for good a few years back, despite the fact that they share 4 children together. Of late, Jerry starred in her own reality show entitled "Kept" - which saw her put a dozen bachelors through charm school intending to annoit one as her new mate... yeah, it was fucking horrible. I think I watched 3 minutes of one episode and was like 'THIS SUCKS!' More of late: she's now the global spokesperson for erectile aid Levitra. Anyway, she's crazy, she's a total bitch, she's a fame wore and she's lived hard. I couldn't think of a better fit for ANTM.

Palette Cleanser: DONYALE LUNA

Peggy-Anne Freeman, otherwise known as Donyale Luna, was born in 1945 in the Detroit projects (directly around the corner from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and Smokey Robinson, I'd have to assume. All those folks grew up around the block from each other back then, I swear...) Donyale was a big fucking deal when she broke in the mid-60's. At 6"2 and unimaginably thin, she was the muse of the greatest artists of her time: Warhol, Avedon, Fillini... the list goes on. She was the first black cover girl EVER - appearing on Harper's Bazaar and Vogue back in the mid 60's. But all was not right upstairs - described as 'always being in a dreamlike state' as a child, she developed an affinity for LSD and things just went to shit. Towards the end of her career, she started to develop some very erratic behaviour that included but is not limited to missing bookings, going everywhere barefoot and even speaking in her own alien language - shit that really is what dreams are made of in terms of having a crazy bitch judge on a modelling competition. Unfortunately that dream will never be realized as Luna passed away in 1979 at 34 years old.


Peggy Moffit is a lucky 69 years old, heralds from California and is easily the hottest bitch alive. Alongside visionary and co-hort Rudi Gernreich, Peggy became the poster girl for the avant-garde Mod movement and, I'm quite certain, could see her 20-year-old self walk into any hipster fete wearing any of the clothes that she did back then and easily make Vice Magazine's "Do's" each and every time. Her signature look was very signature: heavy eye makeup inspired by Japanese Kabuki theatre and a modified bowl cut known at the time as "the five point". This woman is fucking awesome - LOOK AT HER! I'm still not sure that the world has caught up to her. She's clearly got an eye for what's next AND she's CLEARLY not afraid to go outside looking a busted mess, so for fuck sakes Tyra, PUT HER ON THAT PANEL!


Lauren Hutton is a big, bad 64 years old and hails from Charleston, North Carolina. The woman who many people stand in consensus with being the original supermodel, she was the first model to score a contract with a major costmetic chain and promote herself as a brand. Her healthy, earthly, All-American-girl image was a huge shit deal when it hit, and she parlayed that into a reasonably successful stint in film. A self-proclaimed "adventuress" and avid motorcylist, Hotton's lived fast and hard, suffering some significant injuries and had more than a few near-death experiences - Read: She's insane in the membrane. Read: She's perfect as a judge on ANTM. I'm actually really surprised that this one hasn't come to fruition... hmmm...


Giving Peggy Moffitt a run for her money for hottest bitch alive, Carmen Dell'Orefice is a whopping 77 YEARS OLD and comes from New York. Talk about aging gracefully - still treading the catwalks and mugging for the cameras, this septugenarian has vowed to "die with my high heels on". She had her first Vogue cover at age 15 and has been working steadily since. I'd have to imagine someone with a career that spans 7 decades might have a pearl of wisdom or two to impart in the ANTM world.


Ohhhhhh shit. 59-year-old Grace Mendoza is originally from Jamaica, but relocated to Syracuse and became Grace Jones soon thereafter. After a stint in Paris (in which she roomed with fellow list-er, Jerry Hall) she moved to New York and because of her bizarre, cutting-edge, androgynous appearance, became the toast of the downtown subculture. A record-deal and modest yet impacting career as a recording artist followed - largely with dance music. This lasted, believe it or not, for three decades or so. Also dabbling in movies, her more prominent credits include "Boomerang" with Eddie Murphy and the unforgettable Mayday in "James Bond: A View To A Kill". She's a tastemaker and an iconic image, plain and simple. She's got balls six ways to Sunday. She's be absolutely perfect...







Oh hells to the yes. Biggest mistake ever? Getting rid of Janice Dickinson in the first place. No one could possibly do it like Janice, a fact that's not lost on her absolutely amazing reality show, "The Janice Dickinson Modelling Agency". If you haven't seen this show, youtube it. You must. It's amazing. Easily better than America's Next Top Model ever was. No one could cuss a girl out or blithely champion a blatantly anorexic girl like Janice. And I doubt anyone ever will.

Annnyway... looks like we're stuck with Paulina BORE-oskova for a while. Oh well.

In other news:

VOTE! For the Bitch YOU Loved In February HERE! And for the Bitch YOU Hated in February HERE!

Polls close on Monday!!!

I'm off to nap...

--- Aj

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Idol Predictions...

I'm going to have to positively clip through this today.

Tonight, I'm doing a fundraiser in Kitchener. It's for their annual Pride festivities. Whoa whoa whoa - I know, hold the effin' phone - THERE ARE GAY PEOPLE IN KITCHENER?! I was amazed to find that out as well. We'll see exactly how many tonight.

Anyway - IDOL. GO!

Firstly, this week's theme was 70's. Last week's was the 60's. I can only assume that next week's will indeed be the greatest decade ever committed to music - THE 80'S. It better be! Keep it chronological, motherfuckers!

Secondly, this week's pre-performance interview theme was "something that would surprise the American public about you". It wasn't always so surprisingly.


Michael Johns likes tennis. It's his escape, apparently. As such, he's been needing to play a lot of it. Oh Jesus I don't know how I even stayed awake whilst writing that. He sang Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way", a reasonably awesome song. Is it just me or does he always go sliiightly under the big notes? Kind of cheats them. And furthermore, is it just me, or does he look like Rob Lowe in that photo?

Jason Castro still rules. Smart move bringing out the guitar two weeks in a row -really. He had 0.0 screen time before this, so he needs to establish himself and make up for a lot of lost time - so I'd recommend he keep bringing out that damned guitar until they literally have to pry it out of his hands. LOVED him this week. Thought it was a very sincere performance. I find that he's the only guy that I actually anticipate, so I hope he's around for a while.

Luke Menard sucks. Holy fuck does he suck. His take on "Killer Queen" made me uneasier than I've been since my bout with pseudo-dysentery circa last May. Him revealling his acapella-group roots didnt' exactly do him any favours either.

Robbie Carrico turns into more and more of a douchebag with each passing second. He should have traded in Foreigner's "Hot Blooded" for Terry Jacks' "Seasons In The Sun" - that would have been a better fit. Seriously, this bitch isn't even rock 'n roll enough to play 'Roger' in a Rhode Island Community College production of Rent. And no one fucking cares about your ferver for drag racing - stop trying to pander to the Nascar set!

Danny Noriega is fierce. That's all there is to it. I was trying to resist, but I've since given up. I'm just so happy that someone as blatantly flamboyant and bizarre has been given the public access that American Idol provides. And he can sing, too. I hope for 80's week he sings something by The Culture Club. Preferably "I'll Tumble For Ya".

David Hernandez has kind of got drag queen arms. His version of "Papa Was A Rolling Stone" was not without its charm and power, but he's a little too serious for my liking. If he could just break off a teency, teency piece of Danny's sense of humour and stop doing everything with life-or-death intensity, I'd like him a bit more.

I'd prefer it if Jason Yaeger refrains from looking at or speaking to me. The sort of born-again-Christian Charlie Sheen-vibe he exudes permeates my being. And I lose sleep over that. That was a farce. Doobie Brothers? Bitch, please. And that little 'closing gesture' he used to bring it on home sealed his fate, methinks.

Chikezie is the only black dude. He looks like one of The Klumps. Or perhaps one of Eddie's best friend on Family Matters. I really don't find him exceptional. I find him very ordinary, which is part of his charm. I find people rooting for him because he's so "guy-behind-the-desk-at-Kinko's" blue-collar amateur. Meh. He'll survive this week but his days are definitely numbered.

David Cook is a self-proclaimed "word nerd". He enjoys crossword puzzles, word searces, junior jumbles, fuckin' hours spent playing Scrabbulous, and watching televised spelling bee's. He busted out his axe this week on Free's "Alright Now" and did a pretty decent job of it. The sass-talking to Simon kind of fell flat - kind of REALLY fell flat. And Simon seemed to take it pretty hardly, too. Because he has feelings. Lots of them. Seriously though, David might want to cool off on the 'tude. It's what took last season's Chris Sligh from front-runner to 9th place finisher in a heartbeat.

David Archuleta is currently America's boner juice. People love this kid. I established yesterday that while I empathize with them, I don't sympathize with them. I can understand but can't relate kinda-thing. One thing that I feel very strongly about discussing: that part in his intro video where he reminisces fondly about running into the Top 10 from first season (including Kelly Clarkson, most notably, and Jim Verraros, least notably) when he was 12 or so, and serenaded them with "And I Am Telling You" from Dreamgirls. Did anyone else find that extremely uncomfortable and embarassing? Hearing this 12-year-old helium voice belting out a Dreamgirls song in a hotel lobby unprompted? I found it so uncomf! And embarassing! Like when a retarded person enthusiastically and loudly alerts you that your shoe is untied on the subway... "SIR! YOUR SHOE IS UNTIED! SIR! SIR! SIR! YOUR SHOE!!!"... I only mention that because it totally happened to me today... ughhh it's so embarassing... you just fucking look around and notice everyone else looking at you thinking "Thank Christ that's not happening to me"... and then you need to tie it in front of them and they fucking clap afterwards and GAH I can't handle it... ANYBALLS - that's how I felt watching a tiny(er) David Archuleta serenading the first season Idols. Of course his performance was fine. He's definitely the front-runner at this point.


Carly Smithson is amazing. Even before the night became as a dreadful as t'was, I was like "holy fuck... this bitch is top notch". "Crazy On You"? Really? Note-for-note perfection, anyone? Really? Yes, yes, yes and yes. And her interview package was the definition of adorable. Can anyone make a fucking shamrock in the foam of a Guiness? *no one raises their hand* I didn't think so.

Syesha Mercado grows underwhelming-er week to week. Last week established that she's a bitch. This week established that she's an actress and singing's her way of "standing out from the herd". Then she went and sang "Me and Mr. Jones" and it sucked parrot balls. I swear - if next week is 80's song, and you don't do Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know", it's all over. Consider that a warning.

Brooke White is not all she's cracked up to be. Yes, her ethereal singer-songwriter schtick is unique within this competition, but not in the music industry. There are aboundingly more talented versions of Brooke out there. But meh, there are also aboundingly less talented versions of Brooke out there, so gabba gabba hey - live ya life. I think she really sounds like Loretta Lynn. If there's a country theme, maybe she can sing some Loretta Lynn song like "Coal Miner's Daughter" or "Fist City" or "Ain't Nothin' Cuter Than A Fat Country Baby Eatin' Peaches Off A Hardwood Floor" or some country gem like that shit...

Ramiele Malubay turned in a performance exactly no better or no worse than any karaoke performance I've ever seen by a musically competent Phillipino or Phillipina. She's got a lovely voice, but it was such an incredibly middling performance that wouldn't have even been the highlight of a college karaoke night.

I'm sure in the culture from whence she comes, the clothes that Kristy Lee Cook wore last night are nothing short of holy vestments; haute couture niceties that speak three words - "I have arrived". Yeah, not in my world. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?! Bitch looks like an extra in a Vegaboys video/the skanks at all my high school dances. Beyond that, she did a serviceable-if-detached version of one of my all-time favourite songs, Linda Ronstadt's "You're No Good". No Kristy, you're not.

Amanda Overmyer ate it hard last night. I know the world at large loves her on principle - she's the first authentic female rocker the show's had - but I'm not certain that'll be enough to save her after last night's debacle on Kansas' "Carry On My Wayward Son". Indeed, she had some rather... bombastic dance moves, but I just don't see how anyone could reason voting for her after that performance and more specifically, that hair...

Alaina Alexander truly is the darkhorse of this competition. I don't think the bitch is half-bad, to be perfectly honest... Her voice is sort of reminiscent of a raspier Kelly Clarkson (well, except Kelly had a habit of actually staying on key), but there are definitely glimmers there. If she can somehow escape the cursedly bad songs she's been selecting ("Hopelessly Devoted To You"? WTF) she just might have a chance...

My love for Alexandrea Lushington knows absolutely no bounds. Holy fuck. As if she sang Chicago's "If You Leave Me Now"... actually, come to think of it, the songs that have been selected by the girls this week largely mirror first year University and everyone developing half-tongue-in-cheek obsessions with classic rock/AM Radio. "Crazy On You", "Carry On My Wayward Son", "Magic Man" and this little treasure by Chicago. I actually think she did a really good job, despite the fact that the judges - and even Alexandrea herself - didn't think so. I think it's time to switch up the cargo pants, however...

Kady Malloy is doomed. DOOMED. She had a dagger hanging over her head suspended by a cobweb after last week, and last night it easily snapped. Although her version of Heart's "Magic Man" wasn't the greatest crime ever committed against humanity, it sure wasn't great. She was missing precisely 4 of the ballsacks you need to come within footsteps of Ann and Nancy Wilson. And what the balls is with that earth stone kaftan she was wearing? Bahhh...

Asia'H Epperson needs to get rid of that damned 'H' on the end of her first name. What the fuck is that supposed to be about? I agreed with everything out of Simon's mouth - the song was WAY too big for her and laid her limitations bare. You don't want to do that on American Idol. But so often they do - their heads get so far up their ass, they think they can do a 'passable' version of this song or that song despite the fact that they're light years away from equalling yer Celine's or yer Whitney's, and now you know how far they can't go. At least she's pronouncing her consonants this week, though.


Fuck. I wouldn't be surprised to see any of the girls except Carly and/or Brooke in danger. It really could be 8 of them going home. Buuut, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Kady and either Ramiele or Amanda are done.

On the other hand, I'm going to come back from that limb I just went out on, stay very close to the trunk and predict that Luke Menard and Jason Yaeger will be bleating their swan songs on the boys' side.

Time will tell...

Time will tell...

Another thing time will tell?



I'm off to Kitchener. I hope it's nice.

--- Aj

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

That "Millennials" Blog

Cowboys, Indians,

So typically I'd reserve my Idol-dishing for tomorrow and just get it all out in one big spooge session, but I feel the need to comment, if ever so briefly, about David Archuleta.

K... sorry... I don't get it. Well, I get it in the sense that people are batshit nuts over him... he's ignited a firestorm of pillow-humping amongst tweenage girls and their desperate 40-something mothers that borrow each other's clothes. I get that part of it.

But no - I don't get it. I didn't think his version of "Imagine" was all that gripping. Yes he's got a pleasant little voice that would surely be the high point of any glee club. And yes, an adorable little baby face. But guess what people - HE'S GOING TO GROW UP. He ain't gon' be cute f'eva, y'all.

While I was watching last night I was like "Who the fuck does he remind me of Who the fuck does he remind me of" and I hit it - HAL SPARKS. He looks exactly like former host of Talk Soup turned star of Queer As Folk Hal mothafuckin' Sparks. So before you throw your support behind the ever-so-cherubic present-day David Archuleta, go 'head and aks y'self - are you willing to buy his fucking records twenty-some-odd years from now when he looks like THAT?! (I'm of course referring to the pic of Hal on the left).

I'm guessing not.



In short, it quaintly categorizes the generation known as "Mellennials".

Also referred to as "The 'Me' Generation", "The MTV Generation" or "The Baby Boom Echo" it does a bang up job categorizing anyone born betwixt the years 1980 to 1995.

Take the very first paragraph:

"There are about 80 million of them, born between 1980 and 1995, and they're
rapidly taking over from the baby boomers who are now pushing 60. They were
raised by doting parents who told them they are special, played in little
leagues with no winners or losers, or all winners. They are laden with trophies
just for participating and they think your business-as-usual ethic is for the
birds. And if you persist in the belief you can, take your job and shove it."
Throughout this article I kept saying "YES! HOLY FUCK YES! THAT'S SO ME/US"...

We truly are the generation who only takes 'yes' for an answer, and although I can't relate to the whole 'rewarding just for participating thing' as much as the majority of those who were ardently involved in athletics growing up - the expectation to continue being rewarded for just showing up is very prevalent.

Some points that stood out:

- The fact that more than half of Post-Secondary grads move home/rely on parent's support after grad... something that would have been shameful for Baby Boomers or Generation X, but is actually seen as a smart economical decision by us.

- It's no longer negative to have many jobs on your resume within a year. It's more representative of exploring and adapting than it is failure...

- We believe adolescence ends at 30 and middle age starts at 60.

- We put friends, family and lifestyle ahead of "blind careerism". After seeing our parents struggle and sacrificing so much to achieve middle-class security, we're simply not interested in doing the same. A lot of people saw their parents screwed by the system - be it the company, the government - so the idea of showing loyalty or investing trust into either of said entities seems downright retarded to us... I know that's something I learned the hard way... the first job I had in the city screwed me six ways to Sunday after I went all sorts of extra miles for it, and now when the job I currently have even merely suggested that do more than was initially established that I do, I made things very clear that's not what I'm here for and how expendable the circumstances were... Boomers or even X-er's would have NEVER dreamed of doing that...

- In terms of bosses, we need them to be more of a coach to maximize effectiveness out of us. And if there's too much cold barking orders, we'll walk in a milisecond and good luck getting someone to replace us.

Now, I mean this doesn't speak for everyone. There are always going to be jobs where you'll do anything for, and are lucky if you can get your foot in the door of... Anna Wintour's assistant, for example. And fuck you if you're a millennial or not. I know that none of these generational rules apply in the entertainment industry - the last great bastion of blithe and blatant racial/gender/sexual orientation/disability discrimination - and that'll become clear to you after about three milliseconds after getting into it. So at least that's... grounding...

A point that they didn't delve into nearly enough - clearly, this article was written by a Boomer of Gen X-er, ha - was how inherently multi-tasking this generation is. We're the first generation that was raised with multi-screens which chopped up our attention spans - we can read, listen, watch, and write at the same time. Also, because of the internet, we're surely the most communicative, entrepreneurial (or entrepreneusial), tolerant-to-other-cultures and eager-to-question-authority generation so far. I'd have to imagine anyway.

Anyway... that's something to think about...

In other news:

Well well well... looks like Brangelina's expecting again. There's no keeping THAT bump a secret - am I right? Shoot.

In other, other news:



In other, other, other news:

Continue to vote for the Bitch YOU Loved in February HERE and the Bitch YOU Hated in February HERE!!!


--- Aj

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

So Little To Talk About...

Whattup Whattup Whattup...

Or rather, whaddup whaddup whaddup...

So not much to report today. I'm stuck in a corner filing. It pretty much sucks. But thought I'd steal away a take care of some business...

Firstly... in gay news (is there any other kind)...

Grey's Anatomy star TR Knight is dating someone a full blown generation younger than him!

That's them at Elton John's Oscar Party (of course they were at his party).

His name is Mark Cornelsen. Apparently he's one of these super-proactive gay youths who wins things named in honour of Matthew Shepard and shit, and serves on boards etc.

According to his bio (and super-flattering headshot) on the site:

He grew up in an extremely religious household that rejected his homosexuality outright - as many of them do - and he found solace acting as class president and in local soup kitchens.

He's currently in FIRST YEAR at San Francisco State University majoring in [what in laymen's terms appears to be] Hotel & Restaurant Management and hopes to "run a [sic] upscale resort internationally in the future".

Well, he's certainly off to the races with an adequate sugar daddy by the looks of it. For serious now: according to his bio, he finished high school a year early and entered college in 2007... which makes him all of 18... mayyybe 19... and TR Knight is 34. That's nuts!

Somehow, I'm one of very few batting an eye. I guess because it's a gay thing, it's not as big of a deal as it would be if it was, say, Tommy Lee & Miley Cyrus (which it totally will be. I just know it. Can't you picture that shitstorm coming? Holy fuck). But yeah... this is A GENERATIONAL difference.

I, personally, don't get what's going through TR's head. Trust me - I've been there. I've done the young thing. And unless you like toothly blowjobs, sloppy outside-of-mouth kisses and being told "I love you" after two dates, it's really not that hot.


Onto more jubilant subjects...


That's right - it's the end of the month! Which means it's time to VOTE again! WHO will go on to compete against January's Bitch You Loved, Carol Channing, and 10 other as-yet-undetermined bitches for the battle royale that will be Bitch We Loved In 2008?!?!

Oh... this is gonna be a real head-scratcher... I don't envy you the task of choosing which of these ladies you'll hoist above the others... it's almost too much for me to bear...

Of course, once again, the choices are:

Celine Dion: Eccentric Chanteuse/Air Guitarist
Darcel Wynne: Reincarnated Egyptian Rain Goddess/Dancing Machine
Tina Fey: Funnywoman/Amateur Accordionist
LeiLani Billard: Formerly "Busy" Child-Star/Rug-Bumping Reiki Master
Diablo Cody: Stripper-cum-Blogger-cum-Screenwriter-cum-Oscar Winner/Covert Pro-Choicer

Vote for the Bitch YOU Loved in February HERE!!!


And, of course, on the other side of the coin... who will go on to join January's Bitch YOU Hated, Tom Cruise, and 10 as-yet-undetermined other despicable bitches in the gruesome throwdown that will be Bitch We Hated In 2008?!

Once again, the choices:

Carmen Molina: "Evil Lesbian" Baby Killer/Early, EARLY Childhood Potty Training Proponent/Cognac Afficionado
Punxsutawney Phil: Annoited Rodent/Bearer of Bad News (specifically: MORE WINTER)
[Puffy, Jealous, Present-Day] Aretha Franklin: Queen of Soul/Jealous Shit-Disturber/Breast Reduction Surgery resister
Chola CuchiMuncho: Vaginally-ravaged Dog Owner/ Luke-warm Tamale
Millionaire-Life Bitch: Lottery Spokeswhore/Mullette Proprietress

Vote for the Bitch YOU Hated In February HERE!!!

Speaking of bitches...



Holy fuck.

--- Aj

Monday, February 25, 2008

Soooo much to talk about...


My head is spinning right now, there's so much to talk about.

So we'll get right down to it:

First things first:

Did y'see??? Did y'see???

Okay. Overall, rousing success in my eyes. Many, many laughs to be had. I thought Fred Armisen was actually outrageously effective as Barack Obama. Tina's monologue was hilarious - particularly when she said "I can do it!" as if she was i.) in an old-tymey movie and ii.) as a Spanish cartoon mouse. "What's That Bitch Talking About?" should actually be a game show. That hot-air balloon lady that Kristen Wiig played was amazing. And the last sketch - "Lady Business", a parody of Lipstick Jungle/Cashmere Mafia - Wow. "My name is Nan Goldblatt-Cooper. I suck small woodland animals out from underneath buildings with a giant vacuum, and, I'm the best." Or whatever it is she said. I've been cackling about that since. Wow.

Another sufficient highlight? This little call to arms that Tina made during weekend update:

Yes. Bitch is the new black. I can remember the gaggle of us watching it together actually applauded after that. It was one of those times where everything I think about an issue is so nicely summarized by one of the elder stateswomen of comedy - it's one of the most sublime feelings of satisfaction, I can't even tell you. It's how I felt everyday for the almost-year of the Rosie O'Donnell regime on The View.

A sufficient lowlight, however...

WTF?! Memo to Maya Rudolph: Please, PLEASE stop fuckin' with us. You best be back, bitch! Upon further, immediate research on this issue, it's been disclosed that a contract was never hammered out and she was sort of there on an episode-by-episode basis, however Lorne Michaels' claims that he'll be "calling her until she changes her phone number" in regards to wanting her back. So that's promising. However, not promising? THAT NEW CHICK. Boo-urns. Her name is Casey Wilson and she apparently comes from the Upright Citizens Brigade in LA. I don't know too much else about her other than that, but what I DO know is that she tries way to hard and doesn't do anything we haven't seen a million and a half times over. She like every other hammy, overeager, slightly-overweight chick I've ever seen get up on an improv stage/sketch troupe in the history of me seeing things. They are in trouble if she was as good as it gets. Four words: Julie Klausner and Jackie Clarke. DO IT! ADD THEM!

Second things second:


So last night was the 80th annual (holy balls... that's a long time) Academy Awards. As per always, I attended a costumed fete chez Andrea Caswell to watch it with my nearest and dearest. Regrettably, I didn't upload the photos we took, so I'll need to post them later. Yerxa was Bleecker from Juno, Larissa was Juno, Caswell was DDL from There Will Be Blood, Heidi was (of course) Princess Giselle from Enchanted, Anth was Michael Clayton... the list goes on.

So red carpet. The stars came out. Boy did they ever... Stars like:

Katherine Heigl, who had apparently just come from playing a children's carnival-themed birthday party, because I don't know how the fuck else to explain the clown makeup...

The always constipated anus-face of Renee Zellweger. Seriously. What is going on with your face?

Brazenly dismissing the notion that black is slimming and white makes one look larger, Jennifer Hudson and her amazing distorted rack... Sidebar - did anyone see how discombobulated she was when reading the teleprompter? And how she pronounced Javier Bardem's name "Harvierre?" Hudson, Hudson, Hudson... love it...

The requisite "WHY THE FUCK IS SHE THERE?!?!" star of the night, Hannah Montana herself, Miley Cyrus. Seriously? Why the fuck? That makes ABSOLUTELY no sense...

Eventual Oscar winner Tilda Swinton and her entourage of fellow Androids, Humanoids, Robots, Cyborgs, Drones and other freaky-as-hell artificial beings. HOLY FUCK, SHE IS SOOOO CREEPY!!! Lordy lordy...

And of course, not party would be complete without the radiant Jennifer Garner...

It was duly noted at our party that the producers of the telecast had a massive boner for Jennifer Garner. It seemed like everything that happened, we needed to consult Jennifer Garner and see what she thought of it. Coupled with the fact that her very irksome Neutrogena commercials aired every break, it was a bit of a JG overload.

Someone who couldn't possibly get a JG overload, however? Gary Busey-

Talk about awkward. Well, fuck, what else do you expect from Gary "Juicy" Busey? If you said anything a shade above that or higher, well, my friend, y'out y'mind.

The ceremonies themselves were fine. The order in which the awards were presented was a little fucked. It seemed like forever and a year before they got to the acting awards - the first (and really, only) upset of the night - in which Best Supporting Actress went to Tilda "Tron" Swinton and NOT Ruby Dee. Poo.

Other than that, things pretty much went to plan... Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood (he abandoned his child. he abandoned his child. he abandoned his boy... oh! there he is. nevermind)... "Harvierre" Bardem and his smokingly hot 800-year old Spanish mami for No Country... The extremely expressive Coen Brothers for everything they were possibly nominated for... Ratatatataouille for Best-anything-to-do-with-Animated-anything... Diablo Cody (pictured to the left, to the left) for Juno, her very first screenplay - resulting in a very moving little speech that culminated in her errupting into tears after thanking her family for "accepting her just the way [she is]"... those two sickeningly in-love Irish kids for that song from Home... the only other surprise of the night was Marion Cottilard besting Julie Christine for top honours in the Best Actress category for her riveting turn as Edith Piaf in "La Vie En Rose"... I haven't seen it yet, but after that acceptance speech, you best believe I will... shoot...

How fucking adorable was she?! Two pieces of trivia: A.) She's the first bitch since Sophia Loren (and only other bitch, besides Sophie L) to win the Oscar for a non-English film in 40 YEARS, and B.) Bitch totally wasn't rewarded on her native soil... she didn't win the French Oscar - of, FROSCAR. Well, well, well. SUCK IT, FRANCE!

It wasn't all roses and baguettes, though. What the fuck was up with that military thing? Where they had those soldiers read the nominees for some documentary category. Notice how not into that everyone was? I thought that was incredibly patronizing and just inappropriate. Do Oscars really need to pander to middle America like that? Isn't having fucking Miley Cyrus there enough? Good grief...

Another lowlight:

Sorry Amy, sorry Kirstie Chen-O. Love ya normally, but everything about the "Enchanted" numbers was underwhelming, perplexing and embarassing. What the balls was with Amy Adams singing that happy working son with nary a rodent friend in sight? It wasn't like she was singing a stand alone pop hit... she kinda looked like a retard just singing that song straight... and that's heartbreaking. And Kirsten Chenowith? What the balls? I don't even know... after that elderly kick-line, I was lost for good...

Anyballs... that was the 'scars. See ya next year, same time, same place.

Third things third:




Who: Former child star most memorable as Elizabeth "Busy" Ramone from the smash hit iconic legendary zeigeist-y series "Ready Or Not" that ran from 1993-1997, most recently seen i.) as the number 1 slot on my countdown of Sister/Daughter/Ingenue's from 1990's sitcoms who have done little-to-nothing with their career as an actress and ii.) as an openly lesbian reiki practioner on her open facebook page.
Why I Loved Her: So many reasons: a.) she was Busy from "Ready Or Not", b.) as Busy, she was Canada's 'Darlene' from Roseanne, only with more emotional girth, c.) she's now an energy healer and a lesbo, and evaded a life of meth and porn unlike SOME PEOPLE (*cough* Jaimee Foxworth *cough*), d.) I'm fairly positive that her name Lani is short for Leilani, which is the greatest name in the world.

and, ii.) DIABLO CODY

Who: Oscar-winning Minnesotan stripper-cum-screenwriter/bloggist and helmer of Juno.
Why I Loved Her: A.) Her dialogue is too punchy for its own good, B.) She glamorized teen pregnancy to the point of no return, C.) She mixes trashiness and classiness in ways that Jessica Simpson can't even begin to imagine, D.) She bared her tats at the Oscars, E.) She WON an Oscar for her first screenplay, F.) Her acceptance speech was legendary and G.) Her name is funny.




Who: [*not her actual name. Actual name remains unknown. But Chola CuchiMuncho will do nicely] Hysterical Hispanic dog owner who's systematically trained her out-of-control pup "Happy" to chomp on anyone and everyone's genitals.
Why I Hated Her: Because her dog bites people's "baginas" and "penitheth" mirroring her hysterical behavior is why! That, and I like kicking people when they're down. And this bitch is clearly down.


Who: Spokeswhore for the Ontario Gaming Commission's "Millionaire For Life" sweepstakes. Beyond that, I'd have to imagine she's some Ontario Gaming Commission executive's niece or trailer-park mistress or someone who performs freakish sexual favours for some higher up because I don't understand how someone who looks like that was allowed access in front of a camera.
Why I Hated Her: Hi. What the fuck is wrong with your hair. Is it supposed to look like that on purpose? Holy fuck.

Fourth things fourth:



That's right. COME! You better. For real.

I'll drink your milkshake,

Drink right up,

--- Aj

Friday, February 22, 2008


Hey y'all.

First things first: I ended up being 3/4 last night with m'Idol picks. Joanne Borgella, Garret Haley and, in the first MAJOR upset of the season (not really) Amy Davis were sent packing, as I predicted. Also going, Colton Berry. *sigh*. I guess I could have predicted that, but I was too busy swooning over the youngster. Oh well. I thought Simon was pretty harsh on him, though... advising him to go get a job and sing for fun. There are tonnes of homos in musical theatre who are substantially less competent than him making a quaint living in dinner theatre and the like. B'aaanyway. I did make notice of how very jarring Danny Noriega's reaction to Colton leaving was... as if to say "NOOO!!! There goes my buttboy!!!" Another cut, another gay tweenage romance dashed. *cue Janet Jackson's "That's The Way Love Goes"*

Second things second: Y'all... it's been a while since I've done a good countdown. And since it's Friday, a day made for countdowns, I've decided to let the good times roll. This is one I've had in the cooker for a while now.

So I'll just cut to the chase... remember

Here are The Top 10 Sister/Daughter/Ingenues of Classic Sitcoms Who Have Done Little-to-Nothing With Their Career As An Actress Since!!!


Who She Was: As the most irksome ingenue to ever grace an 80's/90's sitcom, Danica's Winnie played love interest and foil to Fred Savage's Kevin from 1988-1993. Of note: bitch totally left him with blue balls. As it turns out, she ups and offs to Paris to study art where they write each other a letter a week for 8 years until her return. They never married.
Who She Is Lately: Danica hasn't exactly been rollin' in scripts since her stint on The Wonder Years. In fact, if you were to make a narrated dramedy about her life lately, it might be called The Blunder Years. See how I did that!? See!? See!? Yes. Anyballs... it's been sporatic guest appearances here and there, mainly on fleeting sitcoms that no one could remember for their life. It seem her biggest coo was starring in a Lifetime miniseries called Inspector Mom (sounds AMAZING) and doing a sexy, math-themed pictorial for Stuff Magazine. Why math-themed? Because, apparently, she's a math whiz. Something she parlayed into a book entitled "Math Doesn't Suck", pictured above. Who the fuck knew?
Editor's Sidebar: Gah. I could never stand Winnie Cooper. The way she naggingly said "Kevin" drove me nuts - but she's far too prominent in this category for me to exclude, so I'll suck it up.


Who She Was: Roseanne and Dan Connor's eldest daughter, Becky. Originally a promising, Straight-A student all hell broke loose when she met and fell head over heels for bad boy, Mark Healey. Classic story... the ran away, eloped, lived out of state, it caused a huge rift for the family that everyone eventually grew to accept. In real life, Lecy Goranson was pretty difficult. At the top of the 5th season, Lecy exited the show to attend Vassar College, and an agreement was reached to use her sparingly - mostly in scenes where she would phone in that would be shot out of state... the same thing they did in the final Suzanne Somers years on Three's Company. Anyballs... at some point they decided to do away with this idea, Sarah Chalke (Elliot from Scrubs) was brought in to replace her, then Lecy decided she wanted to come back, so she did, then left again, then came back again, then left AGAIN and holy fuck. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
Who She Is Lately: It seems that people haven't been as accomodating to the Lec-sters schedule in recent years, to say the least. Besides playing the odd trailer park-fare (the doomed "Candace" in Boys Don't Cry and one half of the couple that plays Indian giver with their unborn child to Charlotte & Harry in the final episode of Sex & The City) now-Alicia Goranson isn't exactly burnin' up the celluloid these days.
Editor's Sidebar: When I was a kid - say, Grade 4 or 5 - me and a few schoolyard chums had this game we played on the teacher on duty at recess. We'd run up and 'tattle' on various obscure child-stars of the moment and this would royally fuck them up. I can specifically remember going up to one - Mrs. Anderson - and saying "Mrs. Anderson! Lecy Goranson's throwing stones at me!" and she just looked at me like "Ummm, okay. I'll... I'll... go and, um, speak with her... Yes..." FUN!


Who She Was: Much like the fact that although Estelle Getty played the oldest Golden Girl, she was in fact, the youngest cast member - the fact that Gabrielle Carteris was the oldest cast member (clocking in at a heavy 29 years old) to play a high-school student remains one of the most oft-relayed pieces of trivia in television history. Gabby C got her start with bit parts in after-school specials and hit the fucking jackpot when she landed the role of studious school-newspaper editrix, Andrea Zuckerman. As the brainy bookworm who stayed home from prom and had unrequited crushes on everyone, she was certainly one of a kind in the sexy teenage smoulder-fest that was 90210. By the fifth (and her fina) season, she got pregnant with Jesse Vasquez's baby, moved to Conneticut to study pre-med and was never seen again.
Who She Is Lately: Gabrielle hoped she could parlay her time as Andrea Zuckerman into other projects. Hope springs eternal, Gabby C. Immediately after her stint in 90210, she launched a tabloid-talk show called "Gabrielle". It lasted one season. Besides a very, very puny smattering of 1-off's on hour-long, usually female-oriented dramas, her biggest claim to fame of late was 'starring' in the first season of The Surreal Life. Apparently she voices a lot of video games now. Hmmm.


Who She Was: Originally intended as a minor recurring character on Boy Meets World, brainy, opinionated Topanga was thrust into lead role in its second season as love interest and foil to Ben "Cory Matthews" Savage. Ever the modern gal, Topanga proposed to Cory at their graduation and off to college they went.
Who She Is Lately: While her career as an actress really hasn't consisted of anything more than a few direct-to-DVD National Lampoon College movies, her personal life has been rather interesting. She dated a pre-gay Lance Bass; she was on the Tyra Banks Show discussing her dramatic weight loss and Nutrisystem; and of course last year was busted on DUI. That's probably the most exciting news we've heard all countdown s'far.


Who She Was: Adorable, raggamuffin middle-child to the Tanner family from 1987-1995... so from the ages of 5 to 13... so the boob-growin' and period-gettin' ages...
Who She Is Lately: My my my my my. If Jodi could say two words to her fate, they would certainly be her Full House catchphrase - "How Rude!". You can count her 1-off guest spots on various shitty sitcoms on one-hand (and specifically, three fingers). Her current 'gig' seems to be as host of a show called "Pants-Off Dance-Off" which what I assume is a So You Think You Can Dance? for strippers. Personal-life-wise: I think everyone in the world did a double-take to learn that she was a huge meth-head back in 2006. Anyway, with the help of the Promises rehab centre in Malibu, she kicked the meth and now speaks out about that experience. She's also pregnant. Very, very pregnant.


Who She Was: Ohhh. The Big Yuth. Who could forget her as standout baby Jennifer on Family Ties. Such a role model was she, that she penned an instructional guide for weathering the seas of female adolescence entitled "Being Your Best: Tina Yothers Guide For Girls". I know I sweared by it - who's with me?!
Who She Is Lately: Well, following The 'Matters, it was apparent that The Yoth had a bit of a dark side. She died her hair black - black as night - and formed a band called Jaded. Her subsequent body of work is stunning: playing Tonya Harding in the short, "Spunk: The Tonya Harding Story"... and that. is. it. As herself, she competed in the fourth season of Celebrity Fit Club and lost a whopping 42 lbs! She's now married to an electrician and has 4 kids ... Sha-la-la-la.


Who She Was: Originally cast as the youngest kid on the Nell Carter vehicle Gimme A Break, plucky, teenage everywoman Tracey Gold crept into our hearts and our homes as middle-child Carol of the Seaver clan - famously headed by Alan Thicke and Joanna Kearns.
Who She Is Lately: Well, it all started mid-series run on The 'Pains. Tracey's character Carol was to be the brunt on countless fat jokes administered by her TV-brothers. That's how Tracey Gold plummetted to around 80 pounds and became one of the first 'out' anorexic celebrities ever. After becoming the original [surviving] poster-girl for Anorexics in Hollywood, she went on to star in a slew of Lifetime TV Movies - most notably, "For The Love Of Nancy"... starring Gold in the title role as a teen struggling with anorexia. I remember there was this class back in Grade 10 called simply "Foods". It was kind of like Home Ec only strictly about Food. Nutrition, baking, that sort of shit. You know how teachers kill time by showing movies that are looooosely relevant to whatever topic they're covering at the time? This is how we covered eating disordes - by watching that assfucking movie. No. Paron me. It was two movies - "For The Love Of Nancy" AND "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"... because there was an obese chick in it... yeah... ... ... Annnnnyballs - Tracey's now a recovered anorexic with 4 kids (guess the 'rex didn't ravage her insides as per projected) and her most recent claim to fame is a DUI she was busted on back in '06.


Who She Was: She was so excited! She was so excited! She was so... ... ... scared. Thaaaat's right, everyone's favourite liberal-minded, smart-as-a-whip, overachieving, recovering-caffeine-pill-adict class president of Bayside High!!!
Who She's Been Lately: Well, everyone knows what happened to Elizabeth Berkley. Immediately - and I mean immdiately - after Saved By The Bell wrapped, Zibby B signed on to make her feature film debut in a promising little romp entitled "Showgirls". Saved By The Bell? More like Doomed By The Pole! HEEEEY! To this day, Elizabeth Berkeley's decision to do Showgirls stands as one of the all-time gruesome career suicides in the history of Hollywood. She's had some reasonably favoured roles here and there, but nothing has come near eclipsing the epic shitstorm that is Showgirls.


Who She Was: No one know for certain. Well, no. Judy was the youngest of the Winslow children. Don't remember her? Well, blink and you would have missed her. Although she was around for three seasons, her role diminished episode by episode until one day - poof! There she wasn't. Never given an explanation, never made reference to again... she truly is the forgotten Winslowe...
Who She Is Lately: Well, on this countdown, we've seen a lot of things. We've seen child stars-turned-meth addicts. Child stars-turned-anorexics. Child stars-turned-well... Tina Yothers. What we haven't seen is child stars-turned-porn stars... until now. And not only did Miss Jaimee Foxworth do porn, but it was really super-skanky ghetto porn called shit like "Booty Talk 20: Super Fine Sistas!" and "Sugarwalls 29" (above are some screenshots, with naughty bits obscured by Harriette Winslow making the exact look I'd have to imagine her making upon finding out that Judy was doing porn)... anyway, apparently she's since stopped. She's done the whole Oprah, Tyra circuit and apparently mentored other young girls in an effort to to tread the same path... whoops, spoke too soon. She's currently on Dr. Drew's "Celebrity Rehab". Ohhh well...







Who She Was: Seminal, iconic character to an entire of generation of Canadian (and some cable-watching American) youth who plowed her way through the bumps and turns of adolescence, not always succeeding, not always failing, but always with class. IT'S BUSY, Y'ALL!!! The original fumbling, androngynous, potentially lesbo teenage heroine! What's not to LOVE?!
Who She Is Lately: Well, acting didn't exactly pan out for the Lon-ster. Powers that be in casting could never get over her iconic turn as Busy - and really, who could blame them? And there's precious little info about her whereabouts beyond that... that is, until a visit to her open facebook page! As it tuns out, she's now A.) an out-and-proud lesbo, currently in a relationship no less and B.) a reiki practitionner. And not just for humans, for animals as well!

Still not clear: What exactly will her mother say?



In other news:



Because I totally can't.

Have a good weekend,

--- Aj