Thursday, December 06, 2007

Haute Topics: Busted Skanks Edition

Hey muggles...

I trust your week is going as swimmingly as mine. Last night I pushed myself to the absolute limit and stayed up until 12:30 watching the American Cinematheque's tribute to Julia Roberts - who I like as much if not less than everybody else. I thought it would be like the tribute to Meryl Streep - which was fucking epic. All these enormous stars coming out and basically bending over in front of Meryl, proclaiming that her talent could fuck them in the ass any day of the week... and Meryl gave tasty, tasty commentary about her roles blah blah blah. I was sort of expecting that from this, too.

Then I realized that this isn't Meryl Streep we're talking about - it's Julia Roberts. And she's pretty much a glorified Meg Ryan insofar as talent. So yeah. Not really the meatiest buffet in terms of a body of work goes. I think clips from "Erin Brockovitch" were shown every three seconds. Certainly nothing from "Mary Reilly", I can tell ya that. The one line that jumps out at me was delivered by Bruce Willis when describing the many parallels in their careers: "Julia turned down the Sharon Stone role in Basic Instinct... and I've turned down Sharon Stone many, many times." It's funny because Sharon Stone's a whore.

Anyway... BORING. The whole hour was BORING. Also boring? Julia Roberts. Motherhood has watered the bitch dowwwn. She used to be the biggest movie star of our time - this generation's Garbo (minus the mystery), and now she's superseded that title to who? Reese Witherspoon? THAT'S supposed to be the biggest shit deal in Hollywood now? Blahrb. No good.

Onto zestier topics, as it were...

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention/enlighten you to three busted skanks du jour and their recent headline-making misadventures:


Grammy noms are announced in a matter of hours and a lot of people are anticipating Winehouse to appear across the board. Best New Artist, Record of the Year, Album of the Year... I have to imagine that the firestorm of negative press that she's gotten (and seemingly welcomed with open arms) is going to have some effect... but we'll see...

The negative press I'm referring to: i.) After a string of 'concerts' which saw her drunk out of her skull, forgetting lyrics, cussing out fans and walking offstage mid-way, she cancels her tour siting her distress over the incarceration of her husband as the reason... ii.) This amazing performance at the MTV Euro Awards... iii.) Entering and exiting rehab what seems like multiple times a day... iv.) This amazing performance at the MTV Euro Awards... v.) Befriending the positive influence to end all positive influences, Courtney Love... vi.) This amazing performance at the MTV Euro Awards... and vii.) Pictured, to the left, to the left, roaming the streets of sub-zero London last week and 4:30 AM in but a bra and her signature jorts.

Article vii is easily the kicker for me. Basically because I get really pissed off when I see people either under dressed or overdressed for the weather... I just wanna scream at them "WEAR A FUCKING COAT!!! IT'S TOO FUCKING COLD!!!"... alternately, I saw a woman on one of the hottest days of summer this year bundled up with a winter coat on with the hood up... I lost it... For some reason, it just really makes me angry... Anyway... Amy Winehouse needs to really fuck off... criminally insane hobos have more grace, tact and dignity than her at this point... whoa...


Unless you're a reasonably avid viewer of American Idol, you mightn't remember Jessica Sierra. She was the 10th place finisher on the 4th season - the season that pop-country juggernaut Carrie Underwood took the crown.

Well, bitch was arrested - AGAIN - for drunken, disorderly conduct in a bar earlier this week down in Tampa (GLAMOROUS!!!), Florida. Yes, again. This is the second arrest for disorderly conduct she's been busted on, and accordingly, the second mugshot out there which makes Sierra part of the elusive multiple-celebrity-mugshot club. She can now go to the meetings with Mickey Rourke and Lindsay Lohan and rub shoulders with them until they're raw.

Apparently she cut some dude with a glass. Then, when arrested, told the cop that she'd suck his dick if he didn't make her go to jail. Upon reluctant (I'd HAVE to imagine) refusal from the cop, she started calling the cop N-Bombs, F-Bombs and threatening to 'fuck [him] up'.

I remember when this bitch was on American Idol. The judges loved her for some reason. Simon predicted that the top 4 would be Carrie, Bo Bice, Constantine Maroulis and her. I found this flabbergasting. In part, because I thought that Vonzell "Vonzie" Solomon was outrageously underrated that season, but Constantine was the textbook definition of "douchebag" and Jessica Sierra was like any other cheap whore you'd find at a karaoke joint. And, I'm so resoundingly right about both estimations. So yay. Anyway - I HOPE THE BITCH FRIES! Throw her in the clink! The hooskow! Up the river! Etc... etc... etc... etc...



Secondly: Oh how the might have fallen. This is former "Knots Landing" stunner Joan Van Ark at some Hollywood function this past week.

Joan VAN Ark? More like Joan OF Arc mid-way being burned at the stake. Zowza.

Why the fuck would you leave your house like that? WHY? You know that bitch was totally like "well... maybe if I put a little concealer on... and put an eyebrow here... and an eye-lash there... no one will even notice!"... Yeah... EVERYONE NOTICES. HOLY FUCK!!!

It reminds me of this one night this past summer when I was sitting outside of Buddies with two friends of mine, Jess and April, and this dude walked in wearing a lavender polo that had been so severely bleached, half of it was clearly uneven white, and half of it was clearly mangled lavender. And he walked in with a look on his face like "maybe no one notices..." Yeah. EVERYONE NOTICED. Saying to yourself, "oh, no one will even notice!" is like saying "no offence" to someone before delivering an insult... THE OPPOSITE RESULT IS ALWAYS TRUE!

Too bad for Joan Van Ark that I'm not in her life to tell her that. On the plus side, I'm not in Joan Van Ark's life, so that's good for me.

In other news:

I don't who, if anyone, is following this current season of America's Next Top Model, but it's obviously that fucking Saleisha is going to win. Gah. Bitch is, at best, as pretty as one of the Cosby kids but she's got that urban spunk that Tyra Banks absolutely whacks off over. Every episode sets up this 'amazing progression' of hers from commercial girl to edgy, high-fashion model. BULLSHIT! She's a Cosby-kid with Rhianna's haircut! And to illustrate this, a picto-quation...

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That's all,

--- Aj