That "Millennials" Blog

Cowboys, Indians,

So typically I'd reserve my Idol-dishing for tomorrow and just get it all out in one big spooge session, but I feel the need to comment, if ever so briefly, about David Archuleta.

K... sorry... I don't get it. Well, I get it in the sense that people are batshit nuts over him... he's ignited a firestorm of pillow-humping amongst tweenage girls and their desperate 40-something mothers that borrow each other's clothes. I get that part of it.

But no - I don't get it. I didn't think his version of "Imagine" was all that gripping. Yes he's got a pleasant little voice that would surely be the high point of any glee club. And yes, an adorable little baby face. But guess what people - HE'S GOING TO GROW UP. He ain't gon' be cute f'eva, y'all.

While I was watching last night I was like "Who the fuck does he remind me of Who the fuck does he remind me of" and I hit it - HAL SPARKS. He looks exactly like former host of Talk Soup turned star of Queer As Folk Hal mothafuckin' Sparks. So before you throw your support behind the ever-so-cherubic present-day David Archuleta, go 'head and aks y'self - are you willing to buy his fucking records twenty-some-odd years from now when he looks like THAT?! (I'm of course referring to the pic of Hal on the left).

I'm guessing not.

Anyway...

INTERESTING, INTERESTING READ: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/08/60minutes/main3475200.shtml

In short, it quaintly categorizes the generation known as "Mellennials".

Also referred to as "The 'Me' Generation", "The MTV Generation" or "The Baby Boom Echo" it does a bang up job categorizing anyone born betwixt the years 1980 to 1995.

Take the very first paragraph:

"There are about 80 million of them, born between 1980 and 1995, and they're
rapidly taking over from the baby boomers who are now pushing 60. They were
raised by doting parents who told them they are special, played in little
leagues with no winners or losers, or all winners. They are laden with trophies
just for participating and they think your business-as-usual ethic is for the
birds. And if you persist in the belief you can, take your job and shove it."
Throughout this article I kept saying "YES! HOLY FUCK YES! THAT'S SO ME/US"...

We truly are the generation who only takes 'yes' for an answer, and although I can't relate to the whole 'rewarding just for participating thing' as much as the majority of those who were ardently involved in athletics growing up - the expectation to continue being rewarded for just showing up is very prevalent.

Some points that stood out:

- The fact that more than half of Post-Secondary grads move home/rely on parent's support after grad... something that would have been shameful for Baby Boomers or Generation X, but is actually seen as a smart economical decision by us.

- It's no longer negative to have many jobs on your resume within a year. It's more representative of exploring and adapting than it is failure...

- We believe adolescence ends at 30 and middle age starts at 60.

- We put friends, family and lifestyle ahead of "blind careerism". After seeing our parents struggle and sacrificing so much to achieve middle-class security, we're simply not interested in doing the same. A lot of people saw their parents screwed by the system - be it the company, the government - so the idea of showing loyalty or investing trust into either of said entities seems downright retarded to us... I know that's something I learned the hard way... the first job I had in the city screwed me six ways to Sunday after I went all sorts of extra miles for it, and now when the job I currently have even merely suggested that do more than was initially established that I do, I made things very clear that's not what I'm here for and how expendable the circumstances were... Boomers or even X-er's would have NEVER dreamed of doing that...

- In terms of bosses, we need them to be more of a coach to maximize effectiveness out of us. And if there's too much cold barking orders, we'll walk in a milisecond and good luck getting someone to replace us.

Now, I mean this doesn't speak for everyone. There are always going to be jobs where you'll do anything for, and are lucky if you can get your foot in the door of... Anna Wintour's assistant, for example. And fuck you if you're a millennial or not. I know that none of these generational rules apply in the entertainment industry - the last great bastion of blithe and blatant racial/gender/sexual orientation/disability discrimination - and that'll become clear to you after about three milliseconds after getting into it. So at least that's... grounding...

A point that they didn't delve into nearly enough - clearly, this article was written by a Boomer of Gen X-er, ha - was how inherently multi-tasking this generation is. We're the first generation that was raised with multi-screens which chopped up our attention spans - we can read, listen, watch, and write at the same time. Also, because of the internet, we're surely the most communicative, entrepreneurial (or entrepreneusial), tolerant-to-other-cultures and eager-to-question-authority generation so far. I'd have to imagine anyway.

Anyway... that's something to think about...

In other news:

Well well well... looks like Brangelina's expecting again. There's no keeping THAT bump a secret - am I right? Shoot.


In other, other news:

AHHHHH!!! 6 DAYS AWAY!!! HOLY SHIT!!!

In other, other, other news:

Continue to vote for the Bitch YOU Loved in February HERE and the Bitch YOU Hated in February HERE!!!

Tight,

--- Aj

So Little To Talk About...

Whattup Whattup Whattup...

Or rather, whaddup whaddup whaddup...

So not much to report today. I'm stuck in a corner filing. It pretty much sucks. But thought I'd steal away a take care of some business...

Firstly... in gay news (is there any other kind)...

Grey's Anatomy star TR Knight is dating someone a full blown generation younger than him!

That's them at Elton John's Oscar Party (of course they were at his party).

His name is Mark Cornelsen. Apparently he's one of these super-proactive gay youths who wins things named in honour of Matthew Shepard and shit, and serves on boards etc.

According to his bio (and super-flattering headshot) on the site:

He grew up in an extremely religious household that rejected his homosexuality outright - as many of them do - and he found solace acting as class president and in local soup kitchens.

He's currently in FIRST YEAR at San Francisco State University majoring in [what in laymen's terms appears to be] Hotel & Restaurant Management and hopes to "run a [sic] upscale resort internationally in the future".

Well, he's certainly off to the races with an adequate sugar daddy by the looks of it. For serious now: according to his bio, he finished high school a year early and entered college in 2007... which makes him all of 18... mayyybe 19... and TR Knight is 34. That's nuts!

Somehow, I'm one of very few batting an eye. I guess because it's a gay thing, it's not as big of a deal as it would be if it was, say, Tommy Lee & Miley Cyrus (which it totally will be. I just know it. Can't you picture that shitstorm coming? Holy fuck). But yeah... this is A GENERATIONAL difference.

I, personally, don't get what's going through TR's head. Trust me - I've been there. I've done the young thing. And unless you like toothly blowjobs, sloppy outside-of-mouth kisses and being told "I love you" after two dates, it's really not that hot.

B'anyways...

Onto more jubilant subjects...

BITCH YOU LOVED THIS MONTH

That's right - it's the end of the month! Which means it's time to VOTE again! WHO will go on to compete against January's Bitch You Loved, Carol Channing, and 10 other as-yet-undetermined bitches for the battle royale that will be Bitch We Loved In 2008?!?!

Oh... this is gonna be a real head-scratcher... I don't envy you the task of choosing which of these ladies you'll hoist above the others... it's almost too much for me to bear...

Of course, once again, the choices are:

Celine Dion: Eccentric Chanteuse/Air Guitarist
Darcel Wynne: Reincarnated Egyptian Rain Goddess/Dancing Machine
Tina Fey: Funnywoman/Amateur Accordionist
LeiLani Billard: Formerly "Busy" Child-Star/Rug-Bumping Reiki Master
Diablo Cody: Stripper-cum-Blogger-cum-Screenwriter-cum-Oscar Winner/Covert Pro-Choicer

Vote for the Bitch YOU Loved in February HERE!!!

BITCH YOU HATED THIS MONTH

And, of course, on the other side of the coin... who will go on to join January's Bitch YOU Hated, Tom Cruise, and 10 as-yet-undetermined other despicable bitches in the gruesome throwdown that will be Bitch We Hated In 2008?!

Once again, the choices:

Carmen Molina: "Evil Lesbian" Baby Killer/Early, EARLY Childhood Potty Training Proponent/Cognac Afficionado
Punxsutawney Phil: Annoited Rodent/Bearer of Bad News (specifically: MORE WINTER)
[Puffy, Jealous, Present-Day] Aretha Franklin: Queen of Soul/Jealous Shit-Disturber/Breast Reduction Surgery resister
Chola CuchiMuncho: Vaginally-ravaged Dog Owner/ Luke-warm Tamale
Millionaire-Life Bitch: Lottery Spokeswhore/Mullette Proprietress

Vote for the Bitch YOU Hated In February HERE!!!

Speaking of bitches...

EXACTLY ONE WEEK AWAY!!!

Holy fuck.

--- Aj

Soooo much to talk about...

Woo-howdy.

My head is spinning right now, there's so much to talk about.

So we'll get right down to it:

First things first:


Did y'see??? Did y'see???

Okay. Overall, rousing success in my eyes. Many, many laughs to be had. I thought Fred Armisen was actually outrageously effective as Barack Obama. Tina's monologue was hilarious - particularly when she said "I can do it!" as if she was i.) in an old-tymey movie and ii.) as a Spanish cartoon mouse. "What's That Bitch Talking About?" should actually be a game show. That hot-air balloon lady that Kristen Wiig played was amazing. And the last sketch - "Lady Business", a parody of Lipstick Jungle/Cashmere Mafia - Wow. "My name is Nan Goldblatt-Cooper. I suck small woodland animals out from underneath buildings with a giant vacuum, and, I'm the best." Or whatever it is she said. I've been cackling about that since. Wow.

Another sufficient highlight? This little call to arms that Tina made during weekend update:

Yes. Bitch is the new black. I can remember the gaggle of us watching it together actually applauded after that. It was one of those times where everything I think about an issue is so nicely summarized by one of the elder stateswomen of comedy - it's one of the most sublime feelings of satisfaction, I can't even tell you. It's how I felt everyday for the almost-year of the Rosie O'Donnell regime on The View.

A sufficient lowlight, however...

WTF?! Memo to Maya Rudolph: Please, PLEASE stop fuckin' with us. You best be back, bitch! Upon further, immediate research on this issue, it's been disclosed that a contract was never hammered out and she was sort of there on an episode-by-episode basis, however Lorne Michaels' claims that he'll be "calling her until she changes her phone number" in regards to wanting her back. So that's promising. However, not promising? THAT NEW CHICK. Boo-urns. Her name is Casey Wilson and she apparently comes from the Upright Citizens Brigade in LA. I don't know too much else about her other than that, but what I DO know is that she tries way to hard and doesn't do anything we haven't seen a million and a half times over. She like every other hammy, overeager, slightly-overweight chick I've ever seen get up on an improv stage/sketch troupe in the history of me seeing things. They are in trouble if she was as good as it gets. Four words: Julie Klausner and Jackie Clarke. DO IT! ADD THEM!

Second things second:

OSCARS OSCARS OSCARS!!!

So last night was the 80th annual (holy balls... that's a long time) Academy Awards. As per always, I attended a costumed fete chez Andrea Caswell to watch it with my nearest and dearest. Regrettably, I didn't upload the photos we took, so I'll need to post them later. Yerxa was Bleecker from Juno, Larissa was Juno, Caswell was DDL from There Will Be Blood, Heidi was (of course) Princess Giselle from Enchanted, Anth was Michael Clayton... the list goes on.

So red carpet. The stars came out. Boy did they ever... Stars like:

Katherine Heigl, who had apparently just come from playing a children's carnival-themed birthday party, because I don't know how the fuck else to explain the clown makeup...

The always constipated anus-face of Renee Zellweger. Seriously. What is going on with your face?

Brazenly dismissing the notion that black is slimming and white makes one look larger, Jennifer Hudson and her amazing distorted rack... Sidebar - did anyone see how discombobulated she was when reading the teleprompter? And how she pronounced Javier Bardem's name "Harvierre?" Hudson, Hudson, Hudson... love it...

The requisite "WHY THE FUCK IS SHE THERE?!?!" star of the night, Hannah Montana herself, Miley Cyrus. Seriously? Why the fuck? That makes ABSOLUTELY no sense...

Eventual Oscar winner Tilda Swinton and her entourage of fellow Androids, Humanoids, Robots, Cyborgs, Drones and other freaky-as-hell artificial beings. HOLY FUCK, SHE IS SOOOO CREEPY!!! Lordy lordy...

And of course, not party would be complete without the radiant Jennifer Garner...

It was duly noted at our party that the producers of the telecast had a massive boner for Jennifer Garner. It seemed like everything that happened, we needed to consult Jennifer Garner and see what she thought of it. Coupled with the fact that her very irksome Neutrogena commercials aired every break, it was a bit of a JG overload.

Someone who couldn't possibly get a JG overload, however? Gary Busey-

Talk about awkward. Well, fuck, what else do you expect from Gary "Juicy" Busey? If you said anything a shade above that or higher, well, my friend, y'out y'mind.

The ceremonies themselves were fine. The order in which the awards were presented was a little fucked. It seemed like forever and a year before they got to the acting awards - the first (and really, only) upset of the night - in which Best Supporting Actress went to Tilda "Tron" Swinton and NOT Ruby Dee. Poo.

Other than that, things pretty much went to plan... Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood (he abandoned his child. he abandoned his child. he abandoned his boy... oh! there he is. nevermind)... "Harvierre" Bardem and his smokingly hot 800-year old Spanish mami for No Country... The extremely expressive Coen Brothers for everything they were possibly nominated for... Ratatatataouille for Best-anything-to-do-with-Animated-anything... Diablo Cody (pictured to the left, to the left) for Juno, her very first screenplay - resulting in a very moving little speech that culminated in her errupting into tears after thanking her family for "accepting her just the way [she is]"... those two sickeningly in-love Irish kids for that song from Home... the only other surprise of the night was Marion Cottilard besting Julie Christine for top honours in the Best Actress category for her riveting turn as Edith Piaf in "La Vie En Rose"... I haven't seen it yet, but after that acceptance speech, you best believe I will... shoot...

How fucking adorable was she?! Two pieces of trivia: A.) She's the first bitch since Sophia Loren (and only other bitch, besides Sophie L) to win the Oscar for a non-English film in 40 YEARS, and B.) Bitch totally wasn't rewarded on her native soil... she didn't win the French Oscar - of, FROSCAR. Well, well, well. SUCK IT, FRANCE!

It wasn't all roses and baguettes, though. What the fuck was up with that military thing? Where they had those soldiers read the nominees for some documentary category. Notice how not into that everyone was? I thought that was incredibly patronizing and just inappropriate. Do Oscars really need to pander to middle America like that? Isn't having fucking Miley Cyrus there enough? Good grief...

Another lowlight:

Sorry Amy, sorry Kirstie Chen-O. Love ya normally, but everything about the "Enchanted" numbers was underwhelming, perplexing and embarassing. What the balls was with Amy Adams singing that happy working son with nary a rodent friend in sight? It wasn't like she was singing a stand alone pop hit... she kinda looked like a retard just singing that song straight... and that's heartbreaking. And Kirsten Chenowith? What the balls? I don't even know... after that elderly kick-line, I was lost for good...

Anyballs... that was the 'scars. See ya next year, same time, same place.

Third things third:

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

TIE!

i.) LEILANI BILLARD

Who: Former child star most memorable as Elizabeth "Busy" Ramone from the smash hit iconic legendary zeigeist-y series "Ready Or Not" that ran from 1993-1997, most recently seen i.) as the number 1 slot on my countdown of Sister/Daughter/Ingenue's from 1990's sitcoms who have done little-to-nothing with their career as an actress and ii.) as an openly lesbian reiki practioner on her open facebook page.
Why I Loved Her: So many reasons: a.) she was Busy from "Ready Or Not", b.) as Busy, she was Canada's 'Darlene' from Roseanne, only with more emotional girth, c.) she's now an energy healer and a lesbo, and evaded a life of meth and porn unlike SOME PEOPLE (*cough* Jaimee Foxworth *cough*), d.) I'm fairly positive that her name Lani is short for Leilani, which is the greatest name in the world.

and, ii.) DIABLO CODY

Who: Oscar-winning Minnesotan stripper-cum-screenwriter/bloggist and helmer of Juno.
Why I Loved Her: A.) Her dialogue is too punchy for its own good, B.) She glamorized teen pregnancy to the point of no return, C.) She mixes trashiness and classiness in ways that Jessica Simpson can't even begin to imagine, D.) She bared her tats at the Oscars, E.) She WON an Oscar for her first screenplay, F.) Her acceptance speech was legendary and G.) Her name is funny.

BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK

ANOTHER TIE!

i.) CHOLA CUCHIMUNCHO

Who: [*not her actual name. Actual name remains unknown. But Chola CuchiMuncho will do nicely] Hysterical Hispanic dog owner who's systematically trained her out-of-control pup "Happy" to chomp on anyone and everyone's genitals.
Why I Hated Her: Because her dog bites people's "baginas" and "penitheth" mirroring her hysterical behavior is why! That, and I like kicking people when they're down. And this bitch is clearly down.

and ii.) THE MILLIONAIRE LIFE BITCH

Who: Spokeswhore for the Ontario Gaming Commission's "Millionaire For Life" sweepstakes. Beyond that, I'd have to imagine she's some Ontario Gaming Commission executive's niece or trailer-park mistress or someone who performs freakish sexual favours for some higher up because I don't understand how someone who looks like that was allowed access in front of a camera.
Why I Hated Her: Hi. What the fuck is wrong with your hair. Is it supposed to look like that on purpose? Holy fuck.

Fourth things fourth:

1 WEEK AWAY!!!

That's right. COME! You better. For real.

I'll drink your milkshake,

Drink right up,

--- Aj

Grrrr...

Hey y'all.

First things first: I ended up being 3/4 last night with m'Idol picks. Joanne Borgella, Garret Haley and, in the first MAJOR upset of the season (not really) Amy Davis were sent packing, as I predicted. Also going, Colton Berry. *sigh*. I guess I could have predicted that, but I was too busy swooning over the youngster. Oh well. I thought Simon was pretty harsh on him, though... advising him to go get a job and sing for fun. There are tonnes of homos in musical theatre who are substantially less competent than him making a quaint living in dinner theatre and the like. B'aaanyway. I did make notice of how very jarring Danny Noriega's reaction to Colton leaving was... as if to say "NOOO!!! There goes my buttboy!!!" Another cut, another gay tweenage romance dashed. *cue Janet Jackson's "That's The Way Love Goes"*

Second things second: Y'all... it's been a while since I've done a good countdown. And since it's Friday, a day made for countdowns, I've decided to let the good times roll. This is one I've had in the cooker for a while now.

So I'll just cut to the chase... remember

Here are The Top 10 Sister/Daughter/Ingenues of Classic Sitcoms Who Have Done Little-to-Nothing With Their Career As An Actress Since!!!

10.) DANICA McKELLAR as "WINNIE COOPER" on THE WONDER YEARS

Who She Was: As the most irksome ingenue to ever grace an 80's/90's sitcom, Danica's Winnie played love interest and foil to Fred Savage's Kevin from 1988-1993. Of note: bitch totally left him with blue balls. As it turns out, she ups and offs to Paris to study art where they write each other a letter a week for 8 years until her return. They never married.
Who She Is Lately: Danica hasn't exactly been rollin' in scripts since her stint on The Wonder Years. In fact, if you were to make a narrated dramedy about her life lately, it might be called The Blunder Years. See how I did that!? See!? See!? Yes. Anyballs... it's been sporatic guest appearances here and there, mainly on fleeting sitcoms that no one could remember for their life. It seem her biggest coo was starring in a Lifetime miniseries called Inspector Mom (sounds AMAZING) and doing a sexy, math-themed pictorial for Stuff Magazine. Why math-themed? Because, apparently, she's a math whiz. Something she parlayed into a book entitled "Math Doesn't Suck", pictured above. Who the fuck knew?
Editor's Sidebar: Gah. I could never stand Winnie Cooper. The way she naggingly said "Kevin" drove me nuts - but she's far too prominent in this category for me to exclude, so I'll suck it up.

9.) LECY GORANSON as "BECKY CONNER-HEALEY" on ROSEANNE

Who She Was: Roseanne and Dan Connor's eldest daughter, Becky. Originally a promising, Straight-A student all hell broke loose when she met and fell head over heels for bad boy, Mark Healey. Classic story... the ran away, eloped, lived out of state, it caused a huge rift for the family that everyone eventually grew to accept. In real life, Lecy Goranson was pretty difficult. At the top of the 5th season, Lecy exited the show to attend Vassar College, and an agreement was reached to use her sparingly - mostly in scenes where she would phone in that would be shot out of state... the same thing they did in the final Suzanne Somers years on Three's Company. Anyballs... at some point they decided to do away with this idea, Sarah Chalke (Elliot from Scrubs) was brought in to replace her, then Lecy decided she wanted to come back, so she did, then left again, then came back again, then left AGAIN and holy fuck. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
Who She Is Lately: It seems that people haven't been as accomodating to the Lec-sters schedule in recent years, to say the least. Besides playing the odd trailer park-fare (the doomed "Candace" in Boys Don't Cry and one half of the couple that plays Indian giver with their unborn child to Charlotte & Harry in the final episode of Sex & The City) now-Alicia Goranson isn't exactly burnin' up the celluloid these days.
Editor's Sidebar: When I was a kid - say, Grade 4 or 5 - me and a few schoolyard chums had this game we played on the teacher on duty at recess. We'd run up and 'tattle' on various obscure child-stars of the moment and this would royally fuck them up. I can specifically remember going up to one - Mrs. Anderson - and saying "Mrs. Anderson! Lecy Goranson's throwing stones at me!" and she just looked at me like "Ummm, okay. I'll... I'll... go and, um, speak with her... Yes..." FUN!

8.) GABRIELLE CARTERIS as "ANDREA ZUCKERMAN" on BEVERLY HILLS, 90210

Who She Was: Much like the fact that although Estelle Getty played the oldest Golden Girl, she was in fact, the youngest cast member - the fact that Gabrielle Carteris was the oldest cast member (clocking in at a heavy 29 years old) to play a high-school student remains one of the most oft-relayed pieces of trivia in television history. Gabby C got her start with bit parts in after-school specials and hit the fucking jackpot when she landed the role of studious school-newspaper editrix, Andrea Zuckerman. As the brainy bookworm who stayed home from prom and had unrequited crushes on everyone, she was certainly one of a kind in the sexy teenage smoulder-fest that was 90210. By the fifth (and her fina) season, she got pregnant with Jesse Vasquez's baby, moved to Conneticut to study pre-med and was never seen again.
Who She Is Lately: Gabrielle hoped she could parlay her time as Andrea Zuckerman into other projects. Hope springs eternal, Gabby C. Immediately after her stint in 90210, she launched a tabloid-talk show called "Gabrielle". It lasted one season. Besides a very, very puny smattering of 1-off's on hour-long, usually female-oriented dramas, her biggest claim to fame of late was 'starring' in the first season of The Surreal Life. Apparently she voices a lot of video games now. Hmmm.

7.) DANIELLE FISHEL as "TOPANGA LAWRENCE-MATTHEWS" on BOY MEETS WORLD

Who She Was: Originally intended as a minor recurring character on Boy Meets World, brainy, opinionated Topanga was thrust into lead role in its second season as love interest and foil to Ben "Cory Matthews" Savage. Ever the modern gal, Topanga proposed to Cory at their graduation and off to college they went.
Who She Is Lately: While her career as an actress really hasn't consisted of anything more than a few direct-to-DVD National Lampoon College movies, her personal life has been rather interesting. She dated a pre-gay Lance Bass; she was on the Tyra Banks Show discussing her dramatic weight loss and Nutrisystem; and of course last year was busted on DUI. That's probably the most exciting news we've heard all countdown s'far.

6.) JODI SWEETIN as "STEFANIE TANNER" on FULL HOUSE

Who She Was: Adorable, raggamuffin middle-child to the Tanner family from 1987-1995... so from the ages of 5 to 13... so the boob-growin' and period-gettin' ages...
Who She Is Lately: My my my my my. If Jodi could say two words to her fate, they would certainly be her Full House catchphrase - "How Rude!". You can count her 1-off guest spots on various shitty sitcoms on one-hand (and specifically, three fingers). Her current 'gig' seems to be as host of a show called "Pants-Off Dance-Off" which what I assume is a So You Think You Can Dance? for strippers. Personal-life-wise: I think everyone in the world did a double-take to learn that she was a huge meth-head back in 2006. Anyway, with the help of the Promises rehab centre in Malibu, she kicked the meth and now speaks out about that experience. She's also pregnant. Very, very pregnant.

5.) TINA YOTHERS as "JENNIFER KEATON" on FAMILY TIES

Who She Was: Ohhh. The Big Yuth. Who could forget her as standout baby Jennifer on Family Ties. Such a role model was she, that she penned an instructional guide for weathering the seas of female adolescence entitled "Being Your Best: Tina Yothers Guide For Girls". I know I sweared by it - who's with me?!
Who She Is Lately: Well, following The 'Matters, it was apparent that The Yoth had a bit of a dark side. She died her hair black - black as night - and formed a band called Jaded. Her subsequent body of work is stunning: playing Tonya Harding in the short, "Spunk: The Tonya Harding Story"... and that. is. it. As herself, she competed in the fourth season of Celebrity Fit Club and lost a whopping 42 lbs! She's now married to an electrician and has 4 kids ... Sha-la-la-la.

4.) TRACEY GOLD as "CAROL SEAVER" on GROWING PAINS

Who She Was: Originally cast as the youngest kid on the Nell Carter vehicle Gimme A Break, plucky, teenage everywoman Tracey Gold crept into our hearts and our homes as middle-child Carol of the Seaver clan - famously headed by Alan Thicke and Joanna Kearns.
Who She Is Lately: Well, it all started mid-series run on The 'Pains. Tracey's character Carol was to be the brunt on countless fat jokes administered by her TV-brothers. That's how Tracey Gold plummetted to around 80 pounds and became one of the first 'out' anorexic celebrities ever. After becoming the original [surviving] poster-girl for Anorexics in Hollywood, she went on to star in a slew of Lifetime TV Movies - most notably, "For The Love Of Nancy"... starring Gold in the title role as a teen struggling with anorexia. I remember there was this class back in Grade 10 called simply "Foods". It was kind of like Home Ec only strictly about Food. Nutrition, baking, that sort of shit. You know how teachers kill time by showing movies that are looooosely relevant to whatever topic they're covering at the time? This is how we covered eating disordes - by watching that assfucking movie. No. Paron me. It was two movies - "For The Love Of Nancy" AND "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"... because there was an obese chick in it... yeah... ... ... Annnnnyballs - Tracey's now a recovered anorexic with 4 kids (guess the 'rex didn't ravage her insides as per projected) and her most recent claim to fame is a DUI she was busted on back in '06.

3.) ELIZABETH BERKELEY as "JESSIE SPANO" on SAVED BY THE BELL

Who She Was: She was so excited! She was so excited! She was so... ... ... scared. Thaaaat's right, everyone's favourite liberal-minded, smart-as-a-whip, overachieving, recovering-caffeine-pill-adict class president of Bayside High!!!
Who She's Been Lately: Well, everyone knows what happened to Elizabeth Berkley. Immediately - and I mean immdiately - after Saved By The Bell wrapped, Zibby B signed on to make her feature film debut in a promising little romp entitled "Showgirls". Saved By The Bell? More like Doomed By The Pole! HEEEEY! To this day, Elizabeth Berkeley's decision to do Showgirls stands as one of the all-time gruesome career suicides in the history of Hollywood. She's had some reasonably favoured roles here and there, but nothing has come near eclipsing the epic shitstorm that is Showgirls.

2.) JAIMEE FOXWORTH as "JUDY WINSLOW" on FAMILY MATTERS

Who She Was: No one know for certain. Well, no. Judy was the youngest of the Winslow children. Don't remember her? Well, blink and you would have missed her. Although she was around for three seasons, her role diminished episode by episode until one day - poof! There she wasn't. Never given an explanation, never made reference to again... she truly is the forgotten Winslowe...
Who She Is Lately: Well, on this countdown, we've seen a lot of things. We've seen child stars-turned-meth addicts. Child stars-turned-anorexics. Child stars-turned-well... Tina Yothers. What we haven't seen is child stars-turned-porn stars... until now. And not only did Miss Jaimee Foxworth do porn, but it was really super-skanky ghetto porn called shit like "Booty Talk 20: Super Fine Sistas!" and "Sugarwalls 29" (above are some screenshots, with naughty bits obscured by Harriette Winslow making the exact look I'd have to imagine her making upon finding out that Judy was doing porn)... anyway, apparently she's since stopped. She's done the whole Oprah, Tyra circuit and apparently mentored other young girls in an effort to to tread the same path... whoops, spoke too soon. She's currently on Dr. Drew's "Celebrity Rehab". Ohhh well...

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) LANI BILLARD as "ELIZABETH 'BUSY' MARIA TERESA CARLITA RAMONE" on READY OR NOT

Who She Was: Seminal, iconic character to an entire of generation of Canadian (and some cable-watching American) youth who plowed her way through the bumps and turns of adolescence, not always succeeding, not always failing, but always with class. IT'S BUSY, Y'ALL!!! The original fumbling, androngynous, potentially lesbo teenage heroine! What's not to LOVE?!
Who She Is Lately: Well, acting didn't exactly pan out for the Lon-ster. Powers that be in casting could never get over her iconic turn as Busy - and really, who could blame them? And there's precious little info about her whereabouts beyond that... that is, until a visit to her open facebook page! As it tuns out, she's now A.) an out-and-proud lesbo, currently in a relationship no less and B.) a reiki practitionner. And not just for humans, for animals as well!

Still not clear: What exactly will her mother say?

Questions...

Questions...

In other news:

10 DAYS AWAY!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! CAN YOU EVEN HANDLE IT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Because I totally can't.

Have a good weekend,

--- Aj

Haute-ish Topics

Well folks,

It's official...

After last night, we have a clear front runner to win American Idol...

AMY DAVIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Amy Davis is electrifying. Amy Davis opens her mouth, and the world stands still. Children stop crying. War ceases. The poor become rich. The hungry, fed. The buttefly population easily triples as a testament to the consummate beauty she exudes. Amy Davis' vocal power knows no bounds. None whatsoever. If she exerted her voice at only half-power, it could devastate an entire continent. At full belt - well, that would surely signal the Rapture. BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER OF AMY DAVIS, AS PER SEEN LAST NIGHT:

So yeah. Of course I'm kidding. This bitch sucks balls. And not just two of them. But NINE sets of 2, and one set of 3. She has absolutely no business being there at all. NONE. I was actually nervously laughing out loud at her when she sang, it was so mortifying. It was like watching a retarded parapalegic person being thrown down a bottomless ravene blindfolded - it was just utterly, utterly hopeless.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

So here's my sort of precis about the boys: David Hernandez... Went first. Unexceptional. Definitely lost some of his lustre. The only thing that will save him is that there were guys who did FAR worse and less memorable (yes, that's possible) than him... Chekezie... wowzers, he lost some weight. I mean, he had some to spare, but good for him. Vocally, meh. He kind of looks like Forrest Whittaker. Maybe if there's a movie night, he could sing "Kiss From A Rose" and dress up like Forrest in his Oscar-winning turn as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland... just a suggestion... David Cook... is kind of a smug bastard who screamed a lot. He reminds me of this dude who worked in a jazz shop that I needed to go in for my boss one time... I went in there and was like "do you have any records by Oscar Gugetta [or whatever his name was... some obscure jazz man that I've never heard of and doubt you have either]" and the guy sighs and says "yes" as-if to say "of course we do, retard" and I paused for a second, looked at him like "are you fucking serious" and said to him very sarcastically, "You lead a very rich life, my friend"... ANYWAY - he reminds me of him... he seems like a douchebag... I don't like him... Jason Yaeger... I can't really remember him... he sang "Moon River", did he not? He's doughy, dicky AND a crier... what's not to hate...

Robbie Carrico did fess up to the fact that he was in a boygirl group in the early 90's, yes... but he failed to mention that they were BOYZ-N-GIRLZ UNITED... I will not rest until he says their fucking name! Anyway... we get it, you want us to view you as a rocker... it's not gonna happen... you're gonna be pulling bingo numbers with Constantine Maroulis in 6 months time... David Archuleta is the out-and-out frontrunner as of right now... he makes me sick, but people seem to like him... sure... I thought his voice really struggled with some of that and have to imagine that his weaknesses will become more and more obvious in coming weeks, but he'll be around for a while... maybe even long enough for him to grow pubes... Danny Noriega looked frumpy. And what the balls was with choosing "Jailhouse Rock"? He should have done Lesley Gore's "You Don't Own Me" and called it a day. I did enjoy his sassy bobblehead when he rebutted to Simon, though... he's quite a card... Luke Menard is an assfucking unuch... for sho... that is just a criminally high voice... and despite this, it was abysmally unmemorable... Colton Berry is still kind of adorable, sorry. Ugh, I can't believe I find Colton Berry attractive. Suffice to say, this a low point in my existence. But whatevs... he's theatrical, yes, but he's a stronger singer than all the other tweenage himbros up in there... Garret Haley needs to be stopped... seriously... he needs to be destroyed and everything that ever contributed to his existence needs to be eliminated. Holy fuck. I felt similarly watching him as I did with Amy Davis. Retard. Parapalegic. Blindfolded. Hurled down a ravene. Oy... Jason Castro was such a pleasant surprise. I really, really like this dude. And really, really liked him doing "What A Day For A Daydream". He's very current, very now. I can't see him lasting, though. He still suffers from extreme lack of previous screen time and something tells me he'll have some serious trouble tackling the broader themes... Michael Johns is a fraction of what he's cracked up to be. The judges hail him as being the next Michael Hutchence, when in reality he's the next Rick Astley. Which is still sort of awesome in its own right, but not really. I really don't find him more than a shade above competent.

Meanwhile...

Kristy-Lee Cook... barf. Barf. Barf. Barf. Sang "Rescue Me" when she should have stayed in her comfort zone and sang "Rose Garden" or something instead. Apparently she's suffering from bronchittus. Apparently bronchittus makes you blow moose cock. She's not good, y'all. The only thing that would save her now would be a leaked sex tape... Joanne Borgella just doesn't have the goods... her Redwood-thick frame produces a reed-thin voice, and it's not pretty to listen to... she's clearly out of depth in this competition... all I can think of when I see her is A.) how much she looks like a business-casualized Frenchie Davis and B.) how awesome a singer Frenchie is/was, and how not awesome Joanne is... Alaina Whitaker looks like someone but I have no idea who... it's not Carrie Underwood... I think it might be Madonna, what with the gap in her teeth... she's definitely got a voice, I'll give her that. I wouldn't laud her to generously yet, though... she's still a dime a dozen in this crowd... Amanda Overmyer could have been SO much more awesome than she was... what the fuck? Scatting? I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. And she looks really unsure on stage. She's desperately afraid of the camera. Desperately. That said, she's still awesome and I hope she gets comfortable FAST...

Amy Davis, of course, is the most earth-shatteringly amazing talent that's e'er graced this earth for reasons I've already delved into... Brooke White is just not good. She might be if she embraced her limitations and stuck to that Carole King-esque shit she does, but she's not... she's trying to belt and flex vocal muscles that she simply doesn't have - what the fuck was up with that ending on "So Happy Together"? "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-BAAAAAAAH!"... yeah, unnecessary... Alexandrea Lushington was the surprise of the night, hands down. Fucking LOVED everything she did. She is oh-so current and just fantastic. Thank God for her and Jason. PLEASE may they stick around... Kady Malloy... I actually agreed with everything the judges said... she's more herself - ie what makes her stand out - when she immitates other people than what she's currently projecting... because what she's projecting is a big pile of baby poo... Her days are numbered... specifically, 1... Asia'H Epperson is hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. She slides into notes, and that kinda makes her sound like she's deaf, but I still totally dig it. She reminds me of Faith Evans. I think she'll be around for a bit... Ramiele Malubay is adorable as the extensive collection of Hello Kitty merchandise I assume she has, but is a good-old fashioned karaoke singer and it begins and ends there... Syesha Mercado has clearly got an attitude, and it's not a good one. "They keep us away from the sick ones"? Hmmm... I didn't find her performance or vibe all that amazing... she's still very precocious and I'm starting to find myself somewhat rooting for the rug to be pulled out from under her... if only they could put her voice in Alexandrea, Alexyshandrea would be unstoppable... And lastly, Carly Smithson needs to stop blatantly crossing paths with black cats. Because I don't know how else to explain bitches luck. She too, had bronchittus. I couldn't tell until she coughed a-la "Look! I'm sick!!! Really!!!"... it was the same thing ya do when ya call in sick for work... anyway, didn't know the song, thought it kinda sucked, but still love her. Her upper range is to die for.

Going home:
Boys - This is a toss up. There are so many it could be. 6, actually. Danny H, Chikezie, Jason Y, Luke or Garret. My knee-jerk reaction was that Luke Menard and Garret Haley gave the most unmemorable and alienating performances, respectively, so that's who I'll go with.

Girls - Easy as pie. Joanne Borgella is headed back to Lane Bryant and, because the public will surely fear her power and talent rather than embrace it (or, because she sucks Moray-Eel ass), Amy Davis.

We'll see...

We shall see...

--- Aj

Happy Bit Me In The Vagina

Oh.

Yes.

Please - watch this:

In it's entirety. For serious.

I'm so serious, that I'll post it AGAIN:

Yeah. Thank the lord Oprah that youtube exists. It was one of my life's goals to watch a desperate middle-aged Chola cry over her demonic dog attacking a businessman - and then try and reconcile the situation by explaining that the dog has bit her in the vagina countless times. SO IT'S ALL COOL, SEE?!

Points to ponder:

- She has to very explicitly say vagina. Not crotch, not groin, not nether regions but VAGINA. (*In her defence, a little research has unearthed that the Spanish word for vagina is, in fact, vagina. So any argument that she also could have pronounced the word in her mother tongue is moot. MOOT!)

- This dog has quite a penchant for gnawing on genitals... first her 'bagina', then her baby labrador's "penith". WTF?

- The animal trainer sniffs that the dog's behavior reflects the woman's. Which means that bitch must give some toothier-than-thou blow jobs. Shoooot.

And finally,

- The name of this genital-chomping dog? HAPPY.

Jees Louise. So I'm kind of torn as to whether or not I should bother 'reviewing' the first performance episode of American Idol's 7th season that premiered last night. BO - RING. Talk about some bland company.

Mayhaps it's not their fault. For the first time EVER, they were given a theme for the semi-finals - rounds typically reserved for contestants to carve out their respective niches by picking any songs they so damn want. But NO. Last night was 60's theme. Boo-Urns. It was just more of the same. Depending on how the girls do tonight, I'd wager that a last minute decision will be made to scrap this plan all together until the Top 12.

Baaanyway. I'll do a brief rundown of the shit tomorrow when I recap the girls. I can't see it taking too long.

I'm doing a showcase at Yuk's tonight. It's the Toronto preliminaries for the Great Canadian Laugh-Off... something that I actually won in its innagural year. The only thing I've ever won, actually. It was a grand feeling. Thought it would never end. Guess what - IT DID!!! Hahaha. So yeah, that's tonight. Come if you want, it should be fun.

More fun?

YEP!!! LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY!!! IT'S GONNA BE HUUUGE!!!

So yeah.

That's gonna be it today.

I'll leave you with this:

--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Hated, Song/Week

What the fuck is up?

How the fuck was your family day weekend? Was it absolutely, intoxicatingly ambrosial as was mine?

Kicked things off Friday. After hastily finishing this blog, I high-tailed it up to MTV studios to meet Jessi Cruickshank for an interview that'll be part of some segment called "The Dirt". It's on gay celebrities and coming out in Hollywood etc etc etc...

As I had mentioned, I was freshly waxed and my chest was irritated as all get-out, so upon arriving there the first thing out of my mouth: "Is there a possibility I could visit makeup?"... to which I'm replied, "oh, you have flawless skin"... which, of course, is consummately true, but that's not the point... do you know who said this? None other than recently outed star of Degrassi, The Next Generation Adamo Ruggeiro. He was also lending his two-cents to this piece.

Anyballs... we chatted cattily for the better part of the half-hour on the topic of coming out in the entertainment industy - a topic that I have more than a few opinions about. One thing that drives me nuts - although people do it harmlessly when broaching this topic - is when someone brings up people like Rupert Everett, Ian McKellan and Elton John as out-gay celebrities... yeah, they're all A.) old as hell and ranging from barely to not-at-all relevant, and B.) BRITISH. The point that I ALWAYS make in this debate that always seems to blow people's minds is that the British thing cancels the gay thing out... I guess a gay dude is easier to stomach if he's got an accent or something that clearly marks him as foreign... I had said, name one out gay make celebrity on the North American mainstream entertainment landscape who's not A.) British, B.) A style guru, C.) Been outed against their will/'Came out' after they were established.

Yeah. Doesn't exist. Trust me. So I basically rode it out being as self-richeous as the constraints of time and matter would allow. It was a fabulous afternoon. = )

Following that, I busted tail down to the village to put up posters advertising the forthcoming installment of BITCH SALAD -

TWO WEEKS TODAY!!! TWO WEEKS TODAY!!! - And home to freshen up (read: re-powder my exposed irritated chest flesh) and jet off to some theatre at U of T to see my dear, dear friend Meredith Shaw in a production of "Cabaret".

She was playing the role of Freulin Schneider - who's the out-and-out matron of the show... the landlady who houses a motley crew of whores, cabaret performers, artists etc in her hostel or whatever... long story short, she falls in love with a Jewish dude named Herr Shultz, it's the rise of the Nazi's, their love becomes verboten, blah blah blah, everybody is killed/cleansed. Meredith handled her first hand at playing a matron with sheer grace and determination. It was awesome - but yeah. I forgot how much of a downer Cabaret is. It's really a story whose backdrop is the rise of the third reich. Not a feelgood piece.

Anyballs, following that, we hightailed it to the Drake where there was a Valentine's edition of Big Primpin'. FUN. Just two tonnes of fun, really. Lots of people there and better-than-usual music than I've come to expect with Primpin'. The real fun was yet to come - following lights on, Max Valliquette (Youthography dude, frequently seen as contributor on those "Listed" shows 'n stuff) pitched some after-festivites, and, since we couldn't find a cab that would take five of us (Me, Yerxa, Anth, Heidi, Marianne) and God forbid we split up into two to travel 10 or so blocks, we fucking walked. From Queen & Dufferin to Dundas & Bathurst. In the freezing mothafuckin' cold.

Along the way, I suppose it was our coping mechanism of sorts to invent our own language a-la the Smurfs.

We were subbing in the word "Bort" for random words - inspired by the nickname of our partner-in-shinanigans, Marianne "Bort" Bortolin. A sample snippet of conversation might have gone:

Yerxa: Guys! Just three more borts and then we'll get to Max's!
Anth: That's still a long way to bort!
Me: Heidi! You just stepped in bort!
Heidi: Oh BORT!

And so on. Anyway. We got there at like 3:30 or some shit, stayed there and got drunker until 5, I hopped in a cab, went home, did laundry, forced myself to stay awake long enough to put it in the dryer, went to bed sometime after 6 AM, got up at 11, stumbled to the train station in a drunken haze and somehow got my effin' train back to Brockville.

Whilst in Brockville I did absolutely nothing. It was the most glorious session of prolonged nothin'-doin' I've had in a coon's age. The one break in nothin'-doin' I took was to accompany my parents to my aunt and uncle's new house on the majestic St. Lawrence river for dinner. Whilst there, in and among the rando family chit-chat, somehow the topic of frosh week concerts came up, and who played at who's. Apparently, in the bad old days, the bookers of these frosh week concerts had A.) taste and B.) foresight...

You will never fucking believe this: At my mom's frosh week concert? THE TURTLES. As in "So Happy Together" fame. At my uncle's frosh week concert? IKE & TINA TURNER (and the Ikettes) At my father's frosh week concert? SIMON & MOTHAFUCKIN' GARFUNKEL. Yeah. And furthermore, I just asked my boss who was at hers... LED ZEPPELIN. Yeah.

RIDICULOUS. Of course, this was all sliiiightly before they all broke hugecore, but still.

That's bullshit. I don't remember who was at mine - I didn't go anyway. It was either Our Lady Peace or I Mother Earth or some other three-worded CanCon modern rock outfit. I remember at the time there were a bunch of rumours swirling around as to who it might be, so as to keep actual fans of whatever band it was from infiltrating the concert meant for Frosh. I remember I Mother Earth, Our Lady Peace and someone else - perhaps Moist - were rumoured to be playing it. For absolute kicks, I threw Gloria Estefan's name into the rumour mill and made DAMNED sure it was spread thick and thoroughly. To this day, if you ask anyone who graduated from Queen's, '04, the bands that were rumoured to be playing our Frosh Week concert, they'll tell you "It was either I Mother Earth, Our Lady Peace or Gloria Estefan". Fun.

Also fun?

BITCH I LOVE THIS WEEK

TINA FEY

Who: Legendary comedienne, standout cast-member and first ever female head-writer of Saturday Night Live-turned-Emmy, Golden Globe and SAG-award-winning sitcom star for her work as Liz Lemon on 30 Rock.
Why I Love Her This Week: Ummm, for basically every word or thought she's ever said, written or gestured in the history of her saying, writing and/or thinking things. What is not to love about her? She was the greatest anchor who e'er sat upon the Weekend Update throne and I don't care what you say. Her opus, Mean Girls, stands as one of the defining, iconic films of the present millienium. And she's absolutely beyond brilliant on 30 Rock... observe:

Yes. Soooo many reasons to love and worship Tina Fey. But I must admit that this particular love I'm giving her is a little pre-emptive... y'see... this coming Saturday - oh my God I can't even handle it - SHE'S HOSTING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!!! AHHHH!!! I can't even wait. It's going to be their first show back after the strike - so you already know that it's going to be good on account of all their pent-up creativity. Add to that already delicious gumbo, the fact that Tina Fey is fucking hosting and oh my God I just came in m'pants.

Another reason why she's sublime, listen to what she had to tell Howard Stern re: Paris Hilton's turn hosting SNL back in '02...

Oh my God. Brilliant. "Write a sketch about Jessica Simpson, she's fat". And my absolute favourite bit of info: they actually had a bet going that she wouldn't ask any of them a personal question a-la "How are you?" that they lost when she asked Seth Myers if Maya Rudolph was Italian. GENIUS.

BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK

[Puffy, Jealous, Present-Day] ARETHA FRANKLIN

Who: Enduring, legendary "Queen of Soul" who demanded "Respect" on the "Freeway of Love" no doubt breaking through a "Chain of Fools"... it goes on...
Why I Hate Her This Week: JEALOUS, MUCH? Backstory: Last week, at the Grammys, Beyonce and Tina Turner performed together, a medley of Tina's hits. It was all-too exciting. Tina Turner is just irrepressible. Before introducing Tina, Beyonce did this spoken-word-yet-lipsynched tribute to all the fine ladies of song who stood upon the Grammy stage before her, which culminating her introducing Tina Turner as "the queen".

Well, this got Aretha's size XXXXXL panties up in a bunch, let me tell ya. She released this statement to People.com:

"I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have
bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyoncé, however I dismissed it as a
cheap shot for controversy. In addition to that, I thank the Grammys and the
voting academy for my 20th Grammy and love to Beyoncé anyway."

Okay. It's one thing if you silently stew and someone catches wind of it. But to release a fucking statement without even being PROMPTED proclaiming you're a jealous bitch? Oh come on, ReRe. Bah... she was just jealous that Tina's the same age and light-years away from looking as busted as Aretha does.

That's it.

See you tomorrow,

When the phrase "Happy bit my vagina" will have new meaning,

--- Aj