Thursday, July 26, 2007

To Predate A Catch

That makes little to no sense... hmmm...

[*Warning: This post contains some acts of photoshopping that may actually blow y'mind. Right out y'head.]

So NBC has single-handedly reinvented "Must-See TV" on Wednesday nights with its one-two punch of Last Comic Standing and To Catch A Predator. At least for me, anyway.

Brief recap of Last Comic Standing:

Yay for hometown hero Gerry Dee. The man's beloved around here and it looks like that b'love will be contagious stateside so congrats are definitely in order. Arj Barker is delicious and oh-so funny... and we have the same green zip-up from American Apparel. This was clearly meant to be. Matt Kirshen is too peculiar-looking for his own good. And I think it would shock and amaze any non-comedians out there how much pussy that man probably gets. It's baffling - the fugliest comedian dudes always get sooo much pussy. Andi Smith is amazing. The first time I saw her was on this show and I myspace'd her right away. That candle party bit killed me. I love everything about this girl - her manner with language, her references, everything. I do declare that Jane Condon was the hackiest thing I've ever seen. She made a joke about how, as a suburban housewife, she pretends to sleep when her husband wants sex. WHAT A CONCEPT!!!!!!! She seemed to have a lot of young gay friends in the audience though, which was weird. Sean Rouse simply isn't my thing. I can see how he must have oodles of credibility with other comics as he's very committed to his form, I'll give him that. He's got Bobby Trendy eyebrows, though. I wouldn't have remembered Chuck Roy, Dwayne Perkins or Greg Warren if I wasn't going through pics on the LCS website right now. I'm over Mel Silverback, not to suggest that I was ever necessarily 'on' him, Ryan Hamilton is uncomfortably unattractive but did a good bit about the practicality of only getting lasics on one eye, and Thea Vidale had me at hello... I loves me a funny sista. Fiona O'Laughlin is a goddess and should have moved on - I'm so sorry that she didn't. That Lavelle Crawford guy is going to be unstoppable - provided he doesn't die in his sleep (bitch is heavy). And then there's Amy Shumer, who, God bless her, will likely be the first one voted out.

Anyway... To Catch A Predator... I LOVE THIS SHOW! I must admit though, the best parts are when they show tears. And there was only one instance of that tonight. Highlights:

RICK, 42. When he was initially courting the decoy, he used two identities - the first was some hunky college boy alterego who would talk about his 'friend' - a charming cyber-sexer named 'stevetakespix'. Eventually he introduces the decoy to the friend, and on the night that hunky college alterego and decoy are to meet, he's all "I can't make it, but my friend can".

So he shows up to the Jersey beach house to meet the decoy, the same 19-year-old who's posing as a 13-year-old girl from last episode - which brings me to my first point... why don't these dudes just try and bed girls who look 13 but are actually in their 20's... they're clearly out there... -

Anyway, he comes in and is immediately aggressive. She offers him brownies and he just mutters in a really low, 'lets-get-down-to-business' voice, "No, I'm good" and closes in on her --- RIGHT LIKE THAT. Like talk about hittin' the ground running! --- So decoy bitch runs out 'da room and Chris Hansen barges in... buuuussssted...

He then starts to reversion his story, as they all do. He didn't know she was 13 and was just there to talk and be friends blah blah blah blah blah shit they all say - then Chris Hansen is all, "What's that in your back pocket?", and Diddly McDiddlerson is all, "Oh... that's... just my phone", and then Chris 'hottest bitch alive' Hansen is all, "You're other pocket" and then diddler-bitch WHIPS OUT A TUBE OF KY! KY!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!

In anticipation of a hole that he assumed would be less accomodating than a Chinese Finger trap, is why. AHHHH!!!! Can you even believe that?! So Hansen continues to bust him and he keeps denying. Apparently this dude is a former fire captain who did this because he's "lonely and has no money". And sex with a child would remedy this, surely. Dontcha know? It's the only surefire cure for the blues.

Then Chris Hansen says that he'd been online talking to the decoy for 20 days and that's called "grooming" and as the guy gets up to leave to get busted by the cops, Hansen simply says "Yeah... and, uh, don't forget your... jelly."

And scene.

Another highlight was in the form of a 46-year-old named Anthony. This was the lone case of a male persuing another male in this episode, which I have to imagine is drastically unrepresentative of how t'ings really are in the exciting world of diddlin'. No matter -

Anthony looks like Saddam Hussein and sounds like Christopher Walken. So he's basically boner juice. Basically. The spoonfull of sugar in the already sweet boner juice that is Anthony is that his online name is 'hibuddywuzup' and he typed all in caps, oft expressing his desire to DO IT RAW. He comes in and tells the boy that "[his] excuse for comin' here is that he's gone to Atlantic City" and instructs the mini-gay to go put the beer that he brought in the fridge.

Enter Chris Hansen. He then starts to reversion, naturally. This is really one of the more entertaining parts of this show: watching these dudes try and 'think on their feet'. Anthony says that he just stopped in because "he doesn't like driving at night". Hansen, who always barges in on the scene with the respective diddlers' chat transcripts, asks Anthony to describe what being 'top' and 'bottom' is. Anthony claims he doesn't know and that he's not even gay. Anthony lives with his dying mother. It's all very "Little Children".

Another highlight is when two dudes get busted at the same time - one dude named Jeremy Keister (as in heiney... as in bippy... as in kaboose...) who used his real name as his screen name in the chat room and actually turned out to be an avid watcher of "To Catch A Predator" and fan of Chris Hansen, and this 44-year-old dude wearing a LETTERMAN's jacket living out some twisted college-boy fantasy and bearing a Happy Meal from MacDonalds' as a gift. He turned out to be the only crier in this episode... but WHAT a crier. MUAHAHAHA!

There was a 60-something dude who brought the 13-year-old candles and Victoria Secret lingerie and was intent on being her 'dad'. There was an already-registered sex offender who drove 6 hours on a motorcycle to meet the chick. And there were two unbelievably creepy Asian dudes - one who brought a slew of gifts and kept speaking in his head voice ("Hope you like Koala Bears! *girlish giggle*"), and one who rammed his head into the bar to try and make himself unconscious.

So as you can see, the world of busting sexual predators is non-stop action - and naturally, I WANT A PIECE OF THAT PIE!

So last night I joined up with perverted-justice.com and am pleased to report that I am now officially a card-carrying decoy for sexual predators! Here's how my first chat went this afternoon with a man who calls himself whosyerdaddy?imyerdaddy:

whosyerdaddy?imyerdaddy: wuz up?

Me: not 2 much. u?

whosyerdaddy?imyerdaddy: horny. u a virgin?

Me: yepper skeppers. how old r u?

whosyerdaddy?imyerdaddy: 49

whosyerdaddy?imyerdaddy: i mean 38

whosyerdaddy?imyerdaddy: i mean im actualy 31. u?

Me: 13 and a haff

whosyerdaddy?imyerdaddy: thats hot. u got ne pix?

Me: totally. im actually a kids bathing suit model for Sears

whosyerdaddy?imyerdaddy: thats fuckin hot. im so hard rite now

Me: heres me n my bff keesha

Me: here's me in a charming two-piece

Me: and here's me just whorin' it up, y'all.

whosyerdaddy?imyerdaddy has left the chat.

He'll be back. Don't worry. I'll get him yet.

Anyway - I think I've severely crossed a line of decency in today's blog. Ahhh well, the good thing is that I'll never go back.

Sweet dreams and remember not to talk to strangers,
--- Aj