So did everyone have a great weekend celebrating Whitney Houston's birthday? I'll go ahead and trust you did.
It was my own practical Saturnalia this weekend what with the birthdays that I had to celebrate... and an entire 40 courtesy of the Smirnoff family was easily devoured as a result.
Preface: I wanted to spend as little time as possible in and around my home, as I live on the Danforth and it was the perennial Taste of the motherfucking Danforth AKA the absolute bain of my existence. I fucking hate it. It's like Pride for boring fat people who walk at the slowest pace imaginable. Gah.
Firstly, Friday night: the joint birthday party of Canada's Hilton sisters, the original party girls, Mike Yerxa and April Wozny. Little known fact: both of them friends forever, and both of them glamorous for even longer than that, they actually inspired Francine Pascal's hit teen-novela, The Sweet Valley Twins.
The proof is in the pudding. And by pudding, I mean this picture:
Well, time passes, and maybe they no longer have their once deliciously svelte 9-year-old ballerina physiques - they've since traded in their uniforms for hipster garb that isn't at all obnoxious - but they certainly know how to throw one heck of a party. Here are our Sweet Valley Twins in present day:
Since it was a joint-birthday, it proved to be a smorgasbord of both Yerxa and April's friends, many of whom had no idea who the others were. Important to gleam from the turnout: April Wozny knows more gay dudes than Yerxa and I combined times 5. Sheesh.The theme of their joint birthday bash was "dress like the year in which they celebrated their respective sweet 16's" - convoluted, much? Yes. The years that they were 16 were 1999 (Yerxa) and 2001 (April). So you could have dressed like Jennifer Lopez from the video for "Waiting For Tonight" or Janet Jackson from the video from "All For You" and been in theme. And either way you would have looked like a skank, got slipped a date rape drug and then been told you were asking for it. Whoops.
Anyway - WHO DOESN'T LOVE A GOOD OLD FASHIONED COSTUME BALL?!?! Evidently me, as I didn't dress up. Although I totally would have, had I had access to my vast, vast, VAST collection of Le Crapeau man-blouses that I was famous for sporting in my final year of high school, circa 1999. It truly was a golden age.
Anyway - costume of the night went to the hottest bitch alive, Heidi Brander, who was bedecked as Aaliyah, right before her plane crash...
I'm glad this was brought up for two very distinct reasons: 1.) I was a fan of Aaliyah. I had her first album, "Age Ain't Nuthin' But A Numbah", featuring the title track, ass-rockin' mid-90's hip hop jam "Back & Forth" and the smooth-as-honey-poured-on-silk-poured-on-whale-skin ballad, "At Your Best (You Are Love)". I remember being very upset when, in the summer of 2001, it was announced that she died in a tragic plan crash that was later disclosed to be the result of overly-cumbersome luggage.Then 9/11 happened - like three fucking weeks later. And they kept on talking about "Allah". And because of this, for maybe a solid week before my politically-aware housemate Meaghan corrected me, I thought that the terrorists had a hand in Aaliyah's death. Yes. Me = Smart cookie.
My second point: Aaliyah was the O.G. reed-thin-voiced queen of hip-hop back in the 90's and invented that brand. Had Aaliyah not died and left that void open, the following people would have never become famous:
- Ashanti
- Tweet
- Christina Milian
- Trina
- Shawnna
- Ciara
- The Pussycat Dollsand
- CERTAINLY Rihanna
(*I know Trina & Shawnna are rappers, but they were included for the theory that familiar sounds in sequence create comedy, assfuck.)
Okay, back on track...
With the astounding amount of hipsters present, a new game was born. I'm not sure when, I'm not sure how - but it will result in many, many entertaining evenings to come.
For the love of Christ, watch this:
That is one Maya Rudolph (surprise) as "Tuhnay Griggs" on Deep House Dish singing her smash hit "This Is My Signature Look (Wear This Out). In it, Mizz Griggs is bedecked in hipster garb recounting the various items that make her so very hipster. "Clip ons. Granny boots. Gouchos. Pops Watch. Fanny Pack. Painter's cap. Fierce fierce fierce fabulous. Worthwhile". And it's basically amazing.
So this is our new game to play in the company of hipsters. Sing "This is his/her signature look, and he/she's gonna wear this out. [Describe quirky-as-all get-out items on their person]. Fierce fierce fierce fabulous - worthwhiiiile."
Allow me to demonstrate with Yerxa's outfit on his birthday...
Now watch this:
And that's how that's done.
Anyway - Saturday saw the gaggle of us gags ascend on yet another joint-birthday, this time for eTalk goddess Amy Segal and Dan "The Levster" Levy - another joint-birthday, yet another costume-themed party - this time: young Hollywood. Which means the faux cocaine - or fauxcaine - was everywhere. The good folks at Arm & Hammer surely saw a spike in sales this weekend, let me tell ya. Anyway - once again, the belles of the ball were Yerxa and Heidi, as Perez Hilton and Dina Lohan, respectively. Nicest touch: Heidi, as Dina Lohan, carrying around two makeshift scripts: "Just My Luck 2", and "From Justin To Lindsay", trying to pitch them to people. Brander, you're a genius.
Boy were their faces red when their respective namesakes showed up... awkwaaard...
That's pretty much it.Pretty much.
Except, oh yeah...
That's right - THIS FRIDAY!!!!!!! Get your tickets NOW!!! Call 416.975.8555 or go to the Buddies box office at 12 Alexander St., the corner of Yonge & Alexander between College & Wellesley!!!It's gonna be awesome. You're not gonna wanna miss it. As a matter of fact, there's going to be a 17-part youtube'd series of reasons detailing exactly WHY you're not gonna wanna miss it posted in this very blog tomorrow. Ooooh.
This is my signature look,
--- Aj
It's perhaps more commen knowledge than 2 x 2 equalling 4 that I am about the biggest Whitney Houston fan in the known multiverse. And, in rousing, appropriate celebration, I now present, in no particular order, my favourite Whitney Houston moments EVEREVER.
What can be said that hasn't already been said about this long-awaited tell-all sitdown with Primetime Live's Diane Sawyer. I'll never forget it. I remember it was December of my third year in University and I had some assfucking essay on feminist theatre or some shit that was SEVERELY overdue and I told myself that I'd only watch the first segment then get to it. Yeah, I watched the whole thing. Then rewound it, watched it again. Then again. Suffice to say, the paper didna get done that night.
Before the smack, crack and Bobby B - under the tutelage of svengali Clive Davis, Whitney made her debut singing "Home" from The Wiz on the [late] Merv Griffin Show. Look up 'angelic' in the dictionary. You'll find this link: 
Cracked out of her everlovin' skull, Whitney and Bobby made a pilgrimage to Israel where they met with black Muslims, a hysterical Whitney was baptized and she gave birth to yet another immortal soundbyte, "My land! MY LAND!". Amazing: 
Whitney proved to be the extra-lite icing on the already freakshow-y cake that was the Michael Jackson tribute of '03. If there was ever an instance that people feared for her life, t'was then. Vogue editrix Anna Wintour had a different take on it, though: "Lookin' good". Shock. Awe. Here: 
This song bears the distinction of being the song I've listened to the most in my life. I swear. I could sing this song in my sleep and probably have dozens of times. This video, whose theme seems to be gay mimes in a fingerpainted maze, is 80's haute-camp. Inset right is the cover to the single. What's so desperately sad about this is that if Whitney was to wear that ensemble now and go strutting on Queen West, she'd probably make Vice Magazine's "Do's". Am I right? I'm right. Best song ever: 
Hell-to-the-hell-to-the-HELL-the-YES! Sorry, MAD TV fans. Maya wins the Whitney impression award hands down. This betta not be you Bobby B: 
With tension running high at the height of the gulf war, Whitney made it perfectly clear what the boys were fightin' for. Sweaty perfection: 
Pretty funny shit: 
As you can imagine, when it was announced that Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey were to be joining forces in a power-ballad duet, it was kind of the biggest shit deal EVER for me. The only thing that could have made the spring of '99 more of a huge shit deal would be if Madonna and Janet Jackson staged some sort of telethon dance-off. Irregardless, both divas showed up and showed out at the '99 Oscars singing the ballad, "When You Believe", that easily won the Oscar for best song later that night. In this clip, Whitney shows that you simply don't fuck with her on stage and makes Mariah look like a contest winner who won the opportunity to be on stage with Whitney. Simply put: marvelous: here: 
Here's m'story about this: One lazy Saturday afternoon whilst I was back in high school, I was watching the VH1 and they were airing a Grammys greatest moments special. As I'm prone to do whilst horizontal, on a couch, in front of the TV, I dozed off. Only to awaken to the thunderous modulation of Whitney hitting the "AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII" and I've never been the same. Bitch done lays it out: 
Lord have mercy. It's a damned, crying shame that we didn't get "Being Bobby Brown" up here in Canada, and all I could do was get various snippits on youtube. Anyway - as with their real lives, Whitney and her unusual antics proved the star of the show. This woman is a soundbyte machine and, with the exception of "Hell To The No" and maybe "dootie bubble", her shining moment came in a rebuttal to Bobby during a heated political discussion. I give you Whitney at her crack-whory best: 
Getcha tickets now!!! Call 416-975.8555 - once again, the facebook invite is at 
Yeah. I'd have to say if there was one glaring weak link in this she-bang, it was the Bynes-ter. She acted the part fine, but couldn't dance to save her life and if ever she sang, it sounded as-if not-more digitally altered than any offering by Britney Spears... and WHAT WAS WITH HER GETTING DARKER THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE! Honestly, bitch was getting darker and darker and darker as time marched on.
The only other almost-weak link was Michelle Pfeiffer would could barely sing her way out of a paper bag... luckily her ability to vamp it up would slash through that back and set the shit on fiyah. She was very entertaining, but yeah, easily could have been outsang/outsung by Paris Hilton.
As if I even need to make this comparison with these two pics. But yeah... don't get me wrong, there's something incredibly dreamy about that Efron youngster... nevertheless there's also something incredibly repulsive about him, too. I guess there are worse things than ending up looking like Rob Lowe, though. However, there are also better things.
Latifah Latifah Latifah... if you'll remember a while back I posted a clip of "You Can't Stop The Beat" that was leaked and noted that Latifah trying to sing the part of Motormouth Maybelle is like Jennifer Lopez trying to sing the part of Elphaba in "Wicked". Overreaching a little bit. Motormouth Maybelle should have been Jennifer Hudson in 20 years... or even 10 years... fuck, even right now. Hudson could play old C'MON! Anyway - it did leave me with sliiiightly more to be desired, but she certainly did the trick.
I was skeptical as all get-out about this one. But this was by far the biggest surprise of the film - Travolta stole the show by underplaying a role normally played by a hyper-aggressive drag queen and TALK ABOUT being lithe - he danced circles around everyone! I certainly can't help but wonder/like to imagine that his former "Look Who's Talking" co-star Kirstie Alley in present form provided some inspiration. Actually, on second though, Kirstie totally should have played Edna. That's the one female casting choice that I not only would have been cool with but preferred.
She was adorable is what I'm trying to say. Not that she literally is two kittens cavorting through a grassy knoll... whatever. Anyway - she was indefinitely born to play this role and turned it out. Congrats to her in her first ever film performance! And what I have to assume will be her last ever film performance! Hollywood - not so much brimming at the seams with parts for girls rockin' 5 feet of heigh and 200 pounds of girth. But congrats just the same!
