Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....
Oh God, even that was exhausting.
Well folks, I'm tuckered. That's all there is to it. Bitch Salad was a rousing, rousing, ROUSING success on Tuesday night and I'd like to thank all of you who came out to it. Ho - Ly - Fuck... it was an amazing show. And it drained my battery in one sucker punch, let me tell ya...
Where do I even begin to begin? I suppose, at the beginning.
So it was a particulaly warm night on Tuesday, which some people thought would work against us, but it totally didn't. The house was packed to the absolute tits - HOLY FUCK. AND, full of homos, which was just a glorious, glorious sight.
As a result, it was hotter than a southern church up in there. Like, if hymn books had been provided, surely people would have been fanning themselves with them. I'm surprised no one passed out/contracted a nasty case of "The Vapours". Anyballs - one thing was for certain: I was my typical, shiny, rapidly heat-conduction self, so I'm sorry if anyone fell victim tomy persperation.
I kicked things off with a set of completely new material, mostly about "Rojo Caliente". Although - and you might find this hard to believe, what with how needlessly narcististic and exhibitionistic I am - rarely find things that I say funny, one such moment came to me when, immitating Rojo dancing up in da club, I pretended (as Rojo) to see a fellow teenage Jewess pal of mine and said "Stacey! Mazel Tov!" Anyway... methinks that'll be an inside thing amongst m'inner circle for some time coming...
Up first was the simply divine Kristeen Von Hagen, who entered to Cheryl Lynn's "Got To Be Real"... a musical choice I felt very strongly about...
She absolutely killed it - no easy feat being first at the Salad. My favourite bit of Von Hagen's is easily the one she does about the three varieties of her boyfriend's friends... "There are the ones you hate. The ones who hate you. And the one's you want to sleep with." So true, so true.
Up next was supposed to be Richard Ryder, but sadly, he had to drop out at the last minute due to some family drama - enter his surly, black female equivalent and favourite at the Salad: Dana Alexander... who had to enter to the music reserved for Richard, "He's So Shy" by The Pointer Sisters...
Dana can probably lay claim to having the set on The Salad when, on the second installment, she absolutely destroyed. Like beat it to death. Sidebar: it's absolutely mystifying why, in comedy, the terminology used to describe how well or how poorly you did is all in deathspeak... I couldn't tell ya why, but it just is. "I killed it"... "I died up there"... weird. Whatevs -
Up next was a recurring feature we introduced in the fourth installment - a news feature delivered via puns c/o our resident News Corres-PUN-dant and my dear, brilliant friend, Heidi Brander...
I didn't get a picture with her then and there and that DESTROYS me as she had a very special addition to her segment: a makeshift newsdesk that slipped over her and was held in place by suspender-esque apparati. It was beyond brilliant... in case you missed it/need to revisit the exquisiteness of her pun craftwomanship, here they are again...
Following that was mayhaps the most anticipated guest in the history of The Salad. For realsies, we'd never had anyone like her and I had no idea what to expect... Talking about the Celine Dion-tastic Laura Landauer...
Oh. My. God. I was not expecting that. When she told me that she had a whole production number, I guess I grossly underestimated how serious she was about that. There was a fog machine involved. There was also a fan involved. On top of that, there was a makeshift mast of a suggested ocean liner. All I'll say is that after seeing Laura, I see no need to ever see Celine Dion live, because I doubt Celine even holds a candle to her. It was amazing.
Originally scheduled to perform, Kathleen Phillips gave me a video that I was going to show instead, but, like an asshole, forgot it at home. So in lieu of that, another 'special guest' of the night... a feisty little gal by the name of Sarah Grange!
Love this gal. LOVE her. I remember the first time I met her was at an open mic... I was doing my bit about my one-eyed ex, who just so happened to go to the same Musical Theatre school that she attended. After my set, she immediately asked me if it was about him. That was the day that I realized, one-eyed guys who go to school for musical theatre aren't as abundant and anonymous as I thought. Whatevs.
Following the Grange, was yet another recurring feature on the Salad - a brisk character piece by limey comedienne, Kirsten Gallagher. What with the impending 10th anniversary of The Vagina Monologues and V-Day, it seemed called for that she make an appearance as Eve Ensler...
In the past, I've barely been able to hold it together when she comes on. I was the hottest, giggling tranny mess YET with this one. Holy shit... it was amazing. Even more amazing than her Jodie Foster from the first one, if y'can believe that.
Closing the night out was the formidable powerhouse, Nikki Payne...
You just simply haven't lived if you haven't seen her. She's just an absolute master class about what comedy is about... she's got a wealth of new material about how she gave her father a kidney that absolutely had everyone crapping their pants in laughter - and without Activia yogurt, if you can believe it.
Anyway... it was amazing night. Thank you SO much to all who came out.
I don't know why I see it fit to give a really self-serving, excessively positive review of a Bitch Salad each time it happens, but I guess I just do.
Back to business as usual tomorrow...
--- Aj
PS - Idol. Kristy Lee Cook finally went. Knock me over with a feather. Wow. General Note: Mariah Carey is not of this earth. Mariah Carey exists in a fairy princess kingdom called Phantasmagoria and lives in 2800-room (and 3100 bath) cupcake palace in the dead centre of a soft, rolling meadow. And I love her. She was making such, such, SUCH a consorted effort to 'keep it real' with the contestants, but you just knew that she'd have herself dipped in sanitizer after touching them and murdered whomever glanced at her from her bad side. Anyway, yeah. She's a real trip, y'all.
Oh God, even that was exhausting.
Well folks, I'm tuckered. That's all there is to it. Bitch Salad was a rousing, rousing, ROUSING success on Tuesday night and I'd like to thank all of you who came out to it. Ho - Ly - Fuck... it was an amazing show. And it drained my battery in one sucker punch, let me tell ya...
Where do I even begin to begin? I suppose, at the beginning.
So it was a particulaly warm night on Tuesday, which some people thought would work against us, but it totally didn't. The house was packed to the absolute tits - HOLY FUCK. AND, full of homos, which was just a glorious, glorious sight.
As a result, it was hotter than a southern church up in there. Like, if hymn books had been provided, surely people would have been fanning themselves with them. I'm surprised no one passed out/contracted a nasty case of "The Vapours". Anyballs - one thing was for certain: I was my typical, shiny, rapidly heat-conduction self, so I'm sorry if anyone fell victim tomy persperation.
I kicked things off with a set of completely new material, mostly about "Rojo Caliente". Although - and you might find this hard to believe, what with how needlessly narcististic and exhibitionistic I am - rarely find things that I say funny, one such moment came to me when, immitating Rojo dancing up in da club, I pretended (as Rojo) to see a fellow teenage Jewess pal of mine and said "Stacey! Mazel Tov!" Anyway... methinks that'll be an inside thing amongst m'inner circle for some time coming...
Up first was the simply divine Kristeen Von Hagen, who entered to Cheryl Lynn's "Got To Be Real"... a musical choice I felt very strongly about...
She absolutely killed it - no easy feat being first at the Salad. My favourite bit of Von Hagen's is easily the one she does about the three varieties of her boyfriend's friends... "There are the ones you hate. The ones who hate you. And the one's you want to sleep with." So true, so true.Up next was supposed to be Richard Ryder, but sadly, he had to drop out at the last minute due to some family drama - enter his surly, black female equivalent and favourite at the Salad: Dana Alexander... who had to enter to the music reserved for Richard, "He's So Shy" by The Pointer Sisters...
Dana can probably lay claim to having the set on The Salad when, on the second installment, she absolutely destroyed. Like beat it to death. Sidebar: it's absolutely mystifying why, in comedy, the terminology used to describe how well or how poorly you did is all in deathspeak... I couldn't tell ya why, but it just is. "I killed it"... "I died up there"... weird. Whatevs -Up next was a recurring feature we introduced in the fourth installment - a news feature delivered via puns c/o our resident News Corres-PUN-dant and my dear, brilliant friend, Heidi Brander...
I didn't get a picture with her then and there and that DESTROYS me as she had a very special addition to her segment: a makeshift newsdesk that slipped over her and was held in place by suspender-esque apparati. It was beyond brilliant... in case you missed it/need to revisit the exquisiteness of her pun craftwomanship, here they are again...Former Dancing with the Stars contestant Laila Ali has announced she is pregnant. Laila said that if it's a boy, she'd like to name him after a "great African-American leader" like Senator Barack Obama. The department of child services was immediately dispatched over her threats to name her child Barack Ali.Yes.
Mariah Carey has bumped up the release of her new album from April 29th to April 15th. It's rumored that Mariah changed the release date to avoid a head-to-head chart battle with her rival, Madonna. The move did not come as a surprise to anyone, as Mariah has always been a bit of a pre-Madonna.
A research company has developed a technology that will make blood banks more efficient by converting blood types like type A, type B, and type AB, into the universal blood tape. What the…? Universal blood tape? Oh—sorry. That was a type O.
Police in Washington arrested a woman this week after she attempted to board a flight with marijuana packed between her cleavage and inside her bra. One officer commented that it was the biggest drug bust he's ever seen.
Earlier this year, supermodel Naomi Campbell was hospitalized in Sao Paulo, Brazil for a severe stomach ailment. To raise awareness of the importance of getting immunized before travelling, Naomi is opening up about her ordeal in a new memoir, entitled "Diarrhea of a Mad Black Woman".
Following that was mayhaps the most anticipated guest in the history of The Salad. For realsies, we'd never had anyone like her and I had no idea what to expect... Talking about the Celine Dion-tastic Laura Landauer...
Oh. My. God. I was not expecting that. When she told me that she had a whole production number, I guess I grossly underestimated how serious she was about that. There was a fog machine involved. There was also a fan involved. On top of that, there was a makeshift mast of a suggested ocean liner. All I'll say is that after seeing Laura, I see no need to ever see Celine Dion live, because I doubt Celine even holds a candle to her. It was amazing.Originally scheduled to perform, Kathleen Phillips gave me a video that I was going to show instead, but, like an asshole, forgot it at home. So in lieu of that, another 'special guest' of the night... a feisty little gal by the name of Sarah Grange!
Love this gal. LOVE her. I remember the first time I met her was at an open mic... I was doing my bit about my one-eyed ex, who just so happened to go to the same Musical Theatre school that she attended. After my set, she immediately asked me if it was about him. That was the day that I realized, one-eyed guys who go to school for musical theatre aren't as abundant and anonymous as I thought. Whatevs.Following the Grange, was yet another recurring feature on the Salad - a brisk character piece by limey comedienne, Kirsten Gallagher. What with the impending 10th anniversary of The Vagina Monologues and V-Day, it seemed called for that she make an appearance as Eve Ensler...
In the past, I've barely been able to hold it together when she comes on. I was the hottest, giggling tranny mess YET with this one. Holy shit... it was amazing. Even more amazing than her Jodie Foster from the first one, if y'can believe that.Closing the night out was the formidable powerhouse, Nikki Payne...
You just simply haven't lived if you haven't seen her. She's just an absolute master class about what comedy is about... she's got a wealth of new material about how she gave her father a kidney that absolutely had everyone crapping their pants in laughter - and without Activia yogurt, if you can believe it.Anyway... it was amazing night. Thank you SO much to all who came out.
I don't know why I see it fit to give a really self-serving, excessively positive review of a Bitch Salad each time it happens, but I guess I just do.
Back to business as usual tomorrow...
--- Aj
PS - Idol. Kristy Lee Cook finally went. Knock me over with a feather. Wow. General Note: Mariah Carey is not of this earth. Mariah Carey exists in a fairy princess kingdom called Phantasmagoria and lives in 2800-room (and 3100 bath) cupcake palace in the dead centre of a soft, rolling meadow. And I love her. She was making such, such, SUCH a consorted effort to 'keep it real' with the contestants, but you just knew that she'd have herself dipped in sanitizer after touching them and murdered whomever glanced at her from her bad side. Anyway, yeah. She's a real trip, y'all.
