That Signature Look Blog

Hey there cowboys & Indians...

So did everyone have a great weekend celebrating Whitney Houston's birthday? I'll go ahead and trust you did.

It was my own practical Saturnalia this weekend what with the birthdays that I had to celebrate... and an entire 40 courtesy of the Smirnoff family was easily devoured as a result.

Preface: I wanted to spend as little time as possible in and around my home, as I live on the Danforth and it was the perennial Taste of the motherfucking Danforth AKA the absolute bain of my existence. I fucking hate it. It's like Pride for boring fat people who walk at the slowest pace imaginable. Gah.

Firstly, Friday night: the joint birthday party of Canada's Hilton sisters, the original party girls, Mike Yerxa and April Wozny. Little known fact: both of them friends forever, and both of them glamorous for even longer than that, they actually inspired Francine Pascal's hit teen-novela, The Sweet Valley Twins.

The proof is in the pudding. And by pudding, I mean this picture:

Well, time passes, and maybe they no longer have their once deliciously svelte 9-year-old ballerina physiques - they've since traded in their uniforms for hipster garb that isn't at all obnoxious - but they certainly know how to throw one heck of a party. Here are our Sweet Valley Twins in present day:

Since it was a joint-birthday, it proved to be a smorgasbord of both Yerxa and April's friends, many of whom had no idea who the others were. Important to gleam from the turnout: April Wozny knows more gay dudes than Yerxa and I combined times 5. Sheesh.

The theme of their joint birthday bash was "dress like the year in which they celebrated their respective sweet 16's" - convoluted, much? Yes. The years that they were 16 were 1999 (Yerxa) and 2001 (April). So you could have dressed like Jennifer Lopez from the video for "Waiting For Tonight" or Janet Jackson from the video from "All For You" and been in theme. And either way you would have looked like a skank, got slipped a date rape drug and then been told you were asking for it. Whoops.

Anyway - WHO DOESN'T LOVE A GOOD OLD FASHIONED COSTUME BALL?!?! Evidently me, as I didn't dress up. Although I totally would have, had I had access to my vast, vast, VAST collection of Le Crapeau man-blouses that I was famous for sporting in my final year of high school, circa 1999. It truly was a golden age.

Anyway - costume of the night went to the hottest bitch alive, Heidi Brander, who was bedecked as Aaliyah, right before her plane crash...

I'm glad this was brought up for two very distinct reasons: 1.) I was a fan of Aaliyah. I had her first album, "Age Ain't Nuthin' But A Numbah", featuring the title track, ass-rockin' mid-90's hip hop jam "Back & Forth" and the smooth-as-honey-poured-on-silk-poured-on-whale-skin ballad, "At Your Best (You Are Love)". I remember being very upset when, in the summer of 2001, it was announced that she died in a tragic plan crash that was later disclosed to be the result of overly-cumbersome luggage.

Then 9/11 happened - like three fucking weeks later. And they kept on talking about "Allah". And because of this, for maybe a solid week before my politically-aware housemate Meaghan corrected me, I thought that the terrorists had a hand in Aaliyah's death. Yes. Me = Smart cookie.

My second point: Aaliyah was the O.G. reed-thin-voiced queen of hip-hop back in the 90's and invented that brand. Had Aaliyah not died and left that void open, the following people would have never become famous:

- Ashanti
- Tweet
- Christina Milian
- Trina
- Shawnna
- Ciara
- The Pussycat Dollsand
- CERTAINLY Rihanna

(*I know Trina & Shawnna are rappers, but they were included for the theory that familiar sounds in sequence create comedy, assfuck.)

Okay, back on track...

With the astounding amount of hipsters present, a new game was born. I'm not sure when, I'm not sure how - but it will result in many, many entertaining evenings to come.

For the love of Christ, watch this:

That is one Maya Rudolph (surprise) as "Tuhnay Griggs" on Deep House Dish singing her smash hit "This Is My Signature Look (Wear This Out). In it, Mizz Griggs is bedecked in hipster garb recounting the various items that make her so very hipster. "Clip ons. Granny boots. Gouchos. Pops Watch. Fanny Pack. Painter's cap. Fierce fierce fierce fabulous. Worthwhile". And it's basically amazing.

So this is our new game to play in the company of hipsters. Sing "This is his/her signature look, and he/she's gonna wear this out. [Describe quirky-as-all get-out items on their person]. Fierce fierce fierce fabulous - worthwhiiiile."

Allow me to demonstrate with Yerxa's outfit on his birthday...

Now watch this:

And that's how that's done.

Anyway - Saturday saw the gaggle of us gags ascend on yet another joint-birthday, this time for eTalk goddess Amy Segal and Dan "The Levster" Levy - another joint-birthday, yet another costume-themed party - this time: young Hollywood. Which means the faux cocaine - or fauxcaine - was everywhere. The good folks at Arm & Hammer surely saw a spike in sales this weekend, let me tell ya. Anyway - once again, the belles of the ball were Yerxa and Heidi, as Perez Hilton and Dina Lohan, respectively. Nicest touch: Heidi, as Dina Lohan, carrying around two makeshift scripts: "Just My Luck 2", and "From Justin To Lindsay", trying to pitch them to people. Brander, you're a genius.

Boy were their faces red when their respective namesakes showed up... awkwaaard...

That's pretty much it.

Pretty much.

Except, oh yeah...

That's right - THIS FRIDAY!!!!!!! Get your tickets NOW!!! Call 416.975.8555 or go to the Buddies box office at 12 Alexander St., the corner of Yonge & Alexander between College & Wellesley!!!

It's gonna be awesome. You're not gonna wanna miss it. As a matter of fact, there's going to be a 17-part youtube'd series of reasons detailing exactly WHY you're not gonna wanna miss it posted in this very blog tomorrow. Ooooh.

This is my signature look,

--- Aj

I Know Who Killed Lindsay Lohan

Ohhhh Lindsay...

It seems like only yesterday that I went to see "Mean Girls"... Tina Fey's opus supreme about the wilds of life as a teenage girl in this day and age. T'was the coming-of-age film that would herald the graduation of a little-known, freckly child star into buxom, raspy-voiced breakout film star - a little gal from Long Island named Lindsay Dee Lohan.

She showed so much promise to take over Hollywood - with her distinctive voice, oodles of talent, loads of popularity and a voluptuous figure that seemed poised to redefine Hollywood's standards of body image.

I'm reminded that it was very much not yesterday, however. As no. 1.) it was the summer of 2004, the summer between graduation from University and entering 'real life' and that seems like decades ago at this point, and a not-as-significant no. 2.) this is Lindsay Lohan now:

Yesterday marked the second arrest for DUI in the past year for the barely 21-year-old. To make things worse for her: she's fresh off the heels of a stint in rehab that was supposedly so definitive, bitch wore an alcohol-detector ankelet-thing. To make things even worse for her: she was involved in a high-speed car chase in pursuit of her former assistant's mother around the streets of Santa Monica in the wee hours of the morning. To make things worse for the environment: the two cars were SUV's. How very un-green of her and hers.

Actually, there are a lot of things that make this worse for her. It's the opening weekend for her latest film, "I Know Who Killed Me", and all promotional appearances she was scheduled to make have been cancelled/attended to by Rob Schneider in her place. This is the second film thats promotion has suffered because of this, and several projects she's attached to right now have needed to dramatically alter their schedule because of her behaviour of late. Word from Hollywood big wigs is that this string of events is going to make her uninsurable in the future - and if you'ze uninsurable in this business, you'ze done.

On one hand, I feel incredibly sorry for her because she's clearly victim of proven hereditary alcoholism. Yep. Turns out that old addage of "I've got an addictive personality" isn't so much a character trait as it is a genetic disease. Case in point: LiLo's father, Michael, who himself just finished 2 years in the clink/big house/hoozpah/mekonk/chinchanflerb (*note, not all of those are popular slang for prison) for a DUI. More case in point: Judy Garland and Liza Minnelli. That list goes on and on and on.

Beyond whatever genetic predisposition she has to drugs and alcohol, it's clear as day that she's surrounded by 'yes' men and fairweather friends acting solely on the interest of how long they can continue their ride on the rollercoaster ride that is Lindsay Lohan. At the top of this pyramid of bad influences, her mother, Dina "White Oprah" Lohan:
That is the face of a pimp. Straight up, y'all.

What makes me feel considerably less bad and considerably more disturbed about this situation is news that Lindsay has been acting as her own inside source to the paparazzi - tipping them off when and where she's going to be and charging upwards to and including 30 grand for this. So does she like it? Does she, in fact, like the lifestyle she's living?

I don't know man. I think this shit is getting out of control and someone needs to step in. I like to make the analogy of "Will she end up Dana or Drew?" - in that will this whole story wind up like Dana Plato, child actress and star of "Different Strokes" who took one of the heaviest free falls to hell in the history of Hollywood, or Drew Barrymore, child-star and former hardcore partygirl who cleaned herself up and put herself back on the A List. Well A-List at one time, anyway...

Unlike Britney Spears who I've always thought was untalented hobag with a horseshoe up her ass that I actually couldn't care less about in my current human form, I like Lindsay Lohan. I just do. And I'm really, really hoping for a Drew here. But something tells me to not rule out a Dana.

This wasn't a very funny blog at all. Sorry.

"TO CATCH A PREDATOR" IS ON TONIGHT!!! YAY!!!

--- Aj