A day when we pay ode to its namesake, the 7th century Anglo Saxon god Woden.
I know that's how I spend each and every Wednes-or, rather, Wodensday... I assume you follow suit...
Yeah. No. Can you believe that shit, though? I always wondered what Wednesday's deal was... and that's it. It's named after a gnome-like god from middle earth. So there you have it.
Glurg. So the TIFF rages on... According to Rex Reed, it's been so bad it's downright assailable... apparently it used to be something quite snazzy... where "fans and critics and movie moguls all stayed in the Sutton Place Hotel and turned the Bistro 990 across the street into their local commissary, trading anecdotes with John Cassevetes and hanging out with Clint Eastwood"... now it's plagued by "gridlock & greed"... it's quite a scathing read, actually...
I typically like to finagle myself into at least one party per year, and passed up perhaps my only chance of going to this Italian cinema affair last night in lieu of cleaning. Well, it wasn't just because I had to clean my apartment... it was also because this party was held on a boat. I don't do boats. You can't leave boats.
So it looks like I'm just going to have to fraudulently assume the identity of a random celebrities' handler and request tickets to the closing night gala on their behalf like I did nigh on 3 years ago... for realz: at the time I was working for a publicist who was working on a movie starring - and I use the term "starring" so loosely a blue whale could swim through it - Stephen Baldwin, and apparently he'd be in town for it and wanted to go. So my boss told me to call the festival office and request four tickets to the closing night gala and the party. She said that it would be a hassle and she'd likely have to handle it herself, but I should try.
So I did. I called them up and said, "Hi, I'm calling from [the virtually unknown company I formerly worked for] and we're representing [The random piece of shit movie he was in] starring Stephen Baldwin. Mr. Baldwin will be in town this coming Saturday and wishes to come to the gala and the closing night ceremony."
...
TIFF chick on other line: "K. How many tickets do you need?"
Just. That. Easy. I got him 4 and arranged to have them picked up under my name. I went, snatched them and that was that. Now, initially they really were, in fact, for Stephen Baldwin, then he backed out and I got them instead. But yeah. I'll plan on doing that this year as well. So huzzah.
In other news:
Elizabeth Hasselbeck continues to be a collossal mongoloid:
Oh no she di'in't!
Sooooooooooooo many things are wrong about this. First off: I'm the only thing Michelle Obama didn't want to discuss was the dead horse that is Barack Obama's ties to Reverend Jeremiah Wright that Elizabeth has beaten to dust, and the only reason Michelle didn't want to discuss it is because it would have saved her from bitch slapping Elizabeth had she brought it up! Michelle Obama means business! Secondly: Cindy McCain has nothing to hide because she has nothing to show... bitch is dumb as a box of hair... she's like a dumber, sexagenarian version of Holly Madison. Thirdly: I don't know if you watch The View, and even if you do, I don't know if you saw Elizabeth's recap from the RNC, but it showed her interviewing other Republican celebrities in attendance... among the big names: Jon Voight and Stephen Baldwin. See... it all comes back to Stephen Baldwin.
I haven't seen The View yet today, but I wonder if they addressed this little jab.
And it's official. I've lost whatever panache I was once had for making up titles. Holy balls, that was dreadful.
So hey. Sorry for my absence yesterday, but I was so bowled over from this weekend that I needed a day to just stare at the wall and readjust. Or whatever.
This past weekend was absolute hilarity-ness. Friday, 6PM - saw me and two compatriots who'll go nameless as per their request venture down to Roy Thomson Hall right here in Toronto to do something we'd surely never done before and even surer still will never do again - stalk the red carpet.
And why? Because encroaching our fair city this weekend? One Miss Jennifer K. Hudson is who.
In town to premiere her latest acting endeavour, The Secret Life of Bees - a movie based a book that tells the tale of racial dynamics betwixt blacks and whites (and bees) set against the backdrop of tumultuous 60's North Carolina (primarily beehives therein)... or something...
Anyballs - we got there at like 5:15 and about 8-10 minutes later it set in... "I can't believe we're doing this" - and wanted to leave. Then I convinced them that "y'all... this is the only time that we're going to get to see J Hud in this capacity. After this, the Oscar buzz will have worn off and she'll be relegated to films starring Martin Lawrence... so the least we can do is witness this". So we stayed.
At around 5:45 the first car pulled up and it was none other than the progressively maturing Dakota Fanning. She bolted over to the unwashed masses, smile a'glowing, and signed many an autograph and took many a photo op. When she passed by us in ear shot, I asked her who her celebrity crush was, and then followed up as to whether or not it was Charlie Rose - an obvious reference to The Dakota Fanning Show, which I assume is chastely true to life.
Next to arrive was songstress and co-star Alicia Keys, who also made sufficient rounds with the peanut gallery. Let me tell ya - from my estimation, the Proactiv is working. You go, girl.
Next up HAD to be Hudson... COME ON! But no... t'was Queen Latifah... who looks considerably smaller than I thought she'd be... but I have to reason that's just because she's usually the requisite 'large & in charge sistah'... Anyballs, she also punched the plebeian clock, and again, drifted dangerously close to my brood of destructively ironic homos who were heard to have yelled at her: "We loved you on Fresh Prince!" Yeah. This was met by a roll of her royal eyes.
So it's nearly show time and no Hudson to be seen anywhere, which made got me su-huuuper pissed because the only reason I dared intermingle myself with these bonafide gawkers was to ask her what her favourite movie was, what her favourite part of that movie was, and what she thought of that part - all of which she detailed in her B-Roll interview from movie night in Season 3 of American Idol:
Yeah. It's a thing in my act. I just wanted it on camera. Anyballs - she finally shows, scooting out of a car parked way the balls up from where we were, works the crowd very momentarily before being whisked through the press lineup. My cries of "JENNIFER!!! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE?!?! IS IT SISTER ACT 2?!?! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PART OF THAT MOVIE?!?! IS IT 'DA PART WHEN WHOOPI GETS GLUED TO 'DA CHAIR?!?! WAS IT HIL-A-RIOUS?!?!?" went largely unanswered.
Anyballs - I got the whole thing on tape, so I'll edit that shit together and post it here and it'll be hilarious.
So that was item worth discussing # 1...
#2.) VMA tyme.
Since the late 80's, I have ne'er missed an installment of the MTV Video Music Awards. I think they're the most zeitgeist-y thing out there. I love taking - and studying - a snapshot of pop culture at any given time and this Awards show often provides the Polaroid. [Sidebar: Did you know that the very first MTV VMA's were hosted by Dan Ayckroyd and Better Midler??? Yes. The show where Madonna historically writhed around on the floor singing "Like A Virgin" was presided over by Dan Ayckroyd and Bette Midler.]
Well, whatever suspicions anyone had that Ayckroyd and Midler would return as respective host and hostess of this year's 25th anniversary (read: no one had those suspicious. NO ONE) were quashed when British funnyman Russell Brand took the stage after a hopelessly anti-climactic opening 'skit' featuring Britney Spears.
K... Russell Brand... one word: LIMEY. If that's the pinnacle of brilliance insofar as the UK's standup scene, then I don't know what. I thought it was limp. I thought he might be trying to do things that he thought would appeal to an American audience, but it just looked like he didn't understand the language he was speaking - kinda like the odd time an older road-comic goes on Video On Trial and tries to speak in youth lingo and make pop-cultural comments... - so very, very sad.
Anyballs... other things of note:
- Britney Spears finally won... three awards at that, including the top prize, Video of the Year for the thoroughly unexceptional "Piece of Me". They might as well have named it the "Most Famous Person Actually In Attendance Gets This" award... anyballs - it's so, SO crazy to see her back in her robotic, guarded mode... "I'm speechless. I'd like to thank God and my two beautiful little boys, and of course, m'fans. Thanks, y'all!" Yeah, uh Britney... we've seen you attack a car with an umbrella whilst raving in a faux-British accent, not to mention your squalid pussy too many times to count. The jig is up. Please stop acting like you're this untouchable pop star anymore. Thanks. Love - Aj.
- Two things about Rihanna that are disproportionate to her natural composition: i.) her thighs and ii.) her fame.
- Although I'm as big a fan of Christina "X-Tina" Aguilera, I think it was perhaps a tad too early for a career highlights montage recapping all her previous looks from her video catalogue before she performed. Like, Madonna could do that. Janet could do that. Mariah could do that (although it wouldn't look that different). But with all of three albums to her name, I thought X-Tina might have been a little off her rocker...
- Speaking of rockers, how refreshing to see someone actually fucking sing - so thank you, Pink. You're very underrated.
- These fellows named the Jonas Brothers seem to be pretty big with the kids nowadays. They also wear promise rings - a concept that is fucking creepy. The premise of these rings is that kids are given these things by their parents when they're pre-teens, and it's supposed to represent a 'promise to themselves' (read: promise to their parents, Jesus and the Republican party) that they'll maintain their virginity, only to come off once a wedding ring goes on. It all sounds like glorious bullshit to me. After much prodding about this fact by host Russell Brand (his running gag of the evening... falling flat more often than not), linebacker Jordin Sparks - sporting arms boasting the circumference of red woods (THEMZ SOME FAT ARMS, DANG!!!) - decided to take a stand against this:
Yeah. Because if you don't wear a promise ring, you're a slut. That's all there is to it - no grey area whatsoever. Thank Christ Jordin Sparks had the courage to finally say it.
- Miley Cyrus' gets more annoying by the second. And savour these days, bitch - because you'll soon go the way of Ashlee Simpson, who might as well have won a contest in order to appear at the awards as far as the audience was concerned, judging by her cold reception (or, rather, non-reception). Seriously - even when Pete Wentz signed off saying "I'm Pete Wentz, that's my wife Ashlee, and that's my baby" he had to prod the audience for a fucking response. I don't know if you remember, but four years ago, Ashlee Simpson was the shit in terms of teen pop stardom. And she couldn't be more irrelevant now. The shelf-life of a teen pop queen is fleeting, is what I'm saying...
- Proving that 2008 truly is shaping up to be the year of the tranny, the Best New Artist category witnessed a shocking upset when German alt-rockers Tokio Hotel snagged the trophy over modern-day Punky Brewsterite Miley Cyrus, glorified jailbait Taylor Swift, virgin shotputter Jordin Sparks and kooky flavour of the moment Katy Perry. It's especially surprising given the fact that the award was voted on by the fans... and, y'know, Jordin Sparks is famous solely because people voted for her... hmmm... anyballs - GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO trannys!!!
So yeah. That was that.
Kinda sucked balls. But I'll totally watch it again next year.
What the fuck is up? T to the G to the I to the F is what.
You know what's fast approaching? The Toronto International Film Festival. A glorious, glorious week in which the biggest stars in the world descend upon this humble berg and dazzle us. DAZZLE us, I say.
The TIFF (as it's affectionately known) has credibility busting out its wazoo, too. It's frequently home to the world premieres of much Oscar Fare - in the past two years we've seen the likes of Brokeback Mountain, Walk The Line and Babel just to name a few unveilled right here in the TDot (I've never understood why people call it that. Can anyone enlighten me?)
Anyway - it's around now that we start to find out what, and more importantly, WHO'S coming to town. If this delicious little item is to be believed, the 2007 TIFF stands to be the greatest one yet. Dykon JODIE FOSTER is coming to town! Thinking-woman's-man MARK RUFFALO is coming to town!
But most paramount of all - MERYL STREEP IS COMING TO TOWN!
Alongside Jake Gyllenhal and Reese Witherspoon blah blah blah for the world premiere of political thriller "Rendition".
I'm not even lying - As much as I'm against this sort of thing with every fibre of my being, I will be down there in the cheering section with hopes as high as the sky that I might get a handshake from La Streep. And I'm going to bet 90-1 that Yerxa will be with me on that.
So in tribute/preparation of Mary Louise Streep's impending visit, today's Top 10 will be my favourite Streep characters of all time.
10.) "YOLONDA JOHNSON" in A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION
Yeah, so no one liked this movie except for me. For real - not a soul that I've ever encountered has anything remotely positive to say about it but I fucking loved it (Lindsay Lohan circa-her bout with Anorexia notwithstanding). As long suspected, Streep has quite a set of pipes on her - did you know that she was actually fighting tooth and nail for the part of Eva in "Evita" and was super-pissed about losing it to Madonna... she actually went on the record bashing Madonna because of it. Anyway - here's her singing "My Minnesota Home" avec Lily Tomlin. May it be in your head for months.
9.) "SUZANNE VALE" in POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE
Foggy memories bubble up that as a kid I always got this movie confused with the Shelley Long-Bette Midler vehicle "Outrageous Fortune" because the poster for that movie had them hanging over a cliff. No matter. In this adaptation of Carrie Fisher's semi-autobiographical novel of the same name, Meryl Streep plays a drug-rattled, on-the-edge actress coming to terms with living in her aging movie queen-mother's shadown, played to perfection by Shirley MacLaine. More singing... it's mainly worth it for Shirley MacLaine's rip-roaring version of "I'm Still Here"... in fact, I think that's the lone reason why this movie was mentioned in this countdown at all... I'm such an asshole.
8.) Combo: SUSAN ORLEAN in ADAPTATION and CLARISSA VAUGHAN in THE HOURS
I clumped these two together not because they're remotely similar - because Meryl Streep's roles, like snowflakes and assholes, are all totally unique and no two the same - but rather because they were in the same year and should have resulted in a double Oscar win. That last bit in Adaptation is priceless. I think it was one of 5 times I've been watching her and been like "HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SO GOOD?!" and she was stirring as usual in The Hours. Really, everyone in that movie deserved an Oscar except for Nicole "I wore a fake nose GIVE ME MORE BOTOX BITCH!" Kidman.
7.) ROBERTA GUSAPARI in MUSIC OF THE HEART
Only Meryl Streep could garner an Oscar Nomination for her part in a movie that was basically a Lifetime Television movie of the week. Basically. More Madonna/Streep overlap: Originally Madonna was supposed to do this role but learning the violin/making the ass-rockingness that was the Ray of Light album proved too daunting. But not for Streep. Bitch learned the violin in like three days and was good to go.
6.) "HELEN ARCHER" in IRONWEED
One of many successful Meryl Streep-Jack Nicholson vehicles, Ironweed explores time-tested loyalty between a former singer and baseball star-turned-full-blown-bums. Streep playing an olde-tymey crack whore: awesome. And more singing!!! This is one of my favourites - it's "Me Pal".
Pallette Cleanser: "JESSICA LOVEJOY" in THE SIMPSONS
You knew that this was Meryl Streep voicing her, right? One of Bart's countless romantic conquests, Streep played Reverend and Helen Lovejoy's downright devilish daughter Jessica - whose mean streak gets Bart in all sorts of trouble. I had no fucking idea this was Meryl Streep until recently. I guess I thought it was Jennifer Love Hewitt or some shit. Whoa.
5.) LINDY CHAMBERLAIN in "A CRY IN THE DARK"
Based on a true story, Lindy Chamberlain goes camping in the outback. Lindy Chamberlain leaves her baby in a tent. [Allegedly] a dingo comes and takes her baby. Lindy goes on trial for killing her baby and it's a media circus. Because of her evil-looking eyebrows, no one believes her. WHO THE FUCK CARES - This movie and role are worth mentioning for one line of dialogue and one line of dialogue only: "The dingo took my baby!"
4.) MADELINE ASHTON in "DEATH BECOMES HER"
To tell you the truth, I've never much cared for this movie, but don't nobody vamp it up like the Streepster. Playing aging movie siren Madeline, she makes a deal with the devil in the form of Isabella Rossellini to remain young forever. Things get botched, however, when dowdy girlfriend from the past, Helen (Goldie Hawn), comes to administer some long-overdue comeuppance. Best. Fight. Ever.
3.) "SOPHIE ZAWISTOWSKI" in SOPHIE'S CHOICE
In the cinematic equivalent to twisting a Tetanus-infected screwdriver into the hearts of mother's everywhere, Meryl Streep became seamlessly fluent in Polish and acted a scene in which she is forced to choose which one of her children will die at the hands of the Nazis with devastating effectiveness in her lone Oscar winning turn as best actress. Meryl Streep will have to do better than this in order to win another Oscar. Raw deal, man.
2.) "MIRANDA PRIESTLY" in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
I can't say enough about this movie - it's one of my top 5 of all time. Playing the most enchanting-yet-menacing divabitch in the history of film, Meryl Streep rocketed herself back to relevance with an entirely new generation of filmgoers and reinstated the power of never raising your voice. Favourite throwaway line in this movie: After the first time that Andy is called into Miranda's office and given a million things to do including getting skirts from Calvin Klein, as Andy runs back to her desk, Miranda turns her attention back to her other minions and mutters "... it's just a cavalier disregard for clarity". I find this so entertaining.
But
There
Can
Only
Be
1.) "MARY FISHER" in SHE-DEVIL
Oh motherfucker. If you haven't seen this movie, there is searing pity in my heart for you. In this haute-camp movie about a romance novelist (Streep) who steals a pug-fug surburban housewife (Roseanne Barr)'s man-whorish accountant husband (Ed Begley, Jr.) away from her only to receive her comeuppance in slow-cooked, masterful form Meryl proves that she does over-the-top like no one else. Fuck Sophie's Choice up that ass - THIS was her Oscar winner.
In other, other, other news:
