Happy Monday to you and yours.
How was your weekend? Mine was spent with me and mine, as opposed to you and yours, of course. That's right - I went back to Brockville for a familyola reunionthing that was both amusing and informative... I say informative in that it was disclosed that one of my aunts (who shall remain nameless... ... ...) BREASTFED HER KIDS UNTIL THEY WERE UPWARDS TO AND INCLUDING (BUT NOT LIMITED TO) 5 YEARS OLD!!!!
Yeah.
There's a rule of thumb that if you can ask for it, you're too old for it. So, in theory, that could mean two... But fucko - by FIVE, not only can you speak, but you likely have political opinions... fuck, you probably have a list of favourite non-fiction novels by that age!!! NUTS!!!
Further amusement came after my Saturday morning treadmilling, standing in the kitchen where my mother happened to have the local oldies station on... When, y'see, following Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" an extended radio commercial by none other than one Mr. Billy Fuccillo floated o'er the airwaves...
Billy Fuccillo is a bit of a legend in the Eastern Ontario/Upstate New York region... his commercials for the Fuccillo 'Automall' - featuring his signature pronunciation and delivery of the word "HUUUGE!" - are the stuff that dreams are made of. Observe:
Yep. In many ways, I feel as if I was raised by Billy Fuccillo... he certainly feels like part of my family, anyway.
I can remember back in University, during on the sketch shows that I did, there was potentially the most entertaining sketch ever created entitled "Kill Billy Fuccillo" - a takeoff of the "Kill Bill" movies that were ever-so-popular at the time. Yeah. Basically, the sketch revolved around Uma "The Bride" Thurman going after Billy Fuccillo and his criminally insane deals and steals on Hyundai's. I think that was pretty much all there was to it. I can't imagine what MORE there would have been to it than that...
Anyballs... fun times. Also fun times? TOMORROW NIGHT:
I'm not leaving you with that, though...
Today, the people in my office challenged each other to think of the funniest name we'd ever heard. Robert "Bob" Lawblaw (Bob Lawblaw... say it! SAY IT!) won out, but my offering was a close fourth*... (*fourth was last place. fuck.)
Mine: SHEILA CHOAD.
YES. AHHHH!!! I think it's the funniest name EVER! I said that it was the name of the regional manager of the DMV in Brockville - but I was TOTALLY bullshitting... it was the name of a character that Maya Rudolph played in a sketch called "Sheila Choad's Los Angeles Face" - a mock-talk show discussing the joys of botox (click the link to view... it won't let me embed... and you will WANT to see this):
Anyballs... UNTIL TOMORROW -
--- Aj
Well, time passes, and maybe they no longer have their once deliciously svelte 9-year-old ballerina physiques - they've since traded in their uniforms for hipster garb that isn't at all obnoxious - but they certainly know how to throw one heck of a party. Here are our Sweet Valley Twins in present day:
Since it was a joint-birthday, it proved to be a smorgasbord of both Yerxa and April's friends, many of whom had no idea who the others were. Important to gleam from the turnout: April Wozny knows more gay dudes than Yerxa and I combined times 5. Sheesh.
I'm glad this was brought up for two very distinct reasons: 1.) I was a fan of Aaliyah. I had her first album, "Age Ain't Nuthin' But A Numbah", featuring the title track, ass-rockin' mid-90's hip hop jam "Back & Forth" and the smooth-as-honey-poured-on-silk-poured-on-whale-skin ballad, "At Your Best (You Are Love)". I remember being very upset when, in the summer of 2001, it was announced that she died in a tragic plan crash that was later disclosed to be the result of overly-cumbersome luggage.
Now watch this:
That's pretty much it.
That's right - THIS FRIDAY!!!!!!! Get your tickets NOW!!! Call 416.975.8555 or go to the Buddies box office at 12 Alexander St., the corner of Yonge & Alexander between College & Wellesley!!!
It's perhaps more commen knowledge than 2 x 2 equalling 4 that I am about the biggest Whitney Houston fan in the known multiverse. And, in rousing, appropriate celebration, I now present, in no particular order, my favourite Whitney Houston moments EVEREVER.
What can be said that hasn't already been said about this long-awaited tell-all sitdown with Primetime Live's Diane Sawyer. I'll never forget it. I remember it was December of my third year in University and I had some assfucking essay on feminist theatre or some shit that was SEVERELY overdue and I told myself that I'd only watch the first segment then get to it. Yeah, I watched the whole thing. Then rewound it, watched it again. Then again. Suffice to say, the paper didna get done that night.
Before the smack, crack and Bobby B - under the tutelage of svengali Clive Davis, Whitney made her debut singing "Home" from The Wiz on the [late] Merv Griffin Show. Look up 'angelic' in the dictionary. You'll find this link: 
Cracked out of her everlovin' skull, Whitney and Bobby made a pilgrimage to Israel where they met with black Muslims, a hysterical Whitney was baptized and she gave birth to yet another immortal soundbyte, "My land! MY LAND!". Amazing: 
Whitney proved to be the extra-lite icing on the already freakshow-y cake that was the Michael Jackson tribute of '03. If there was ever an instance that people feared for her life, t'was then. Vogue editrix Anna Wintour had a different take on it, though: "Lookin' good". Shock. Awe. Here: 
This song bears the distinction of being the song I've listened to the most in my life. I swear. I could sing this song in my sleep and probably have dozens of times. This video, whose theme seems to be gay mimes in a fingerpainted maze, is 80's haute-camp. Inset right is the cover to the single. What's so desperately sad about this is that if Whitney was to wear that ensemble now and go strutting on Queen West, she'd probably make Vice Magazine's "Do's". Am I right? I'm right. Best song ever: 
Hell-to-the-hell-to-the-HELL-the-YES! Sorry, MAD TV fans. Maya wins the Whitney impression award hands down. This betta not be you Bobby B: 
With tension running high at the height of the gulf war, Whitney made it perfectly clear what the boys were fightin' for. Sweaty perfection: 
Pretty funny shit: 
As you can imagine, when it was announced that Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey were to be joining forces in a power-ballad duet, it was kind of the biggest shit deal EVER for me. The only thing that could have made the spring of '99 more of a huge shit deal would be if Madonna and Janet Jackson staged some sort of telethon dance-off. Irregardless, both divas showed up and showed out at the '99 Oscars singing the ballad, "When You Believe", that easily won the Oscar for best song later that night. In this clip, Whitney shows that you simply don't fuck with her on stage and makes Mariah look like a contest winner who won the opportunity to be on stage with Whitney. Simply put: marvelous: here: 
Here's m'story about this: One lazy Saturday afternoon whilst I was back in high school, I was watching the VH1 and they were airing a Grammys greatest moments special. As I'm prone to do whilst horizontal, on a couch, in front of the TV, I dozed off. Only to awaken to the thunderous modulation of Whitney hitting the "AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII" and I've never been the same. Bitch done lays it out: 
Lord have mercy. It's a damned, crying shame that we didn't get "Being Bobby Brown" up here in Canada, and all I could do was get various snippits on youtube. Anyway - as with their real lives, Whitney and her unusual antics proved the star of the show. This woman is a soundbyte machine and, with the exception of "Hell To The No" and maybe "dootie bubble", her shining moment came in a rebuttal to Bobby during a heated political discussion. I give you Whitney at her crack-whory best: 
Getcha tickets now!!! Call 416-975.8555 - once again, the facebook invite is at 