So, it's officially The Day After Tomorrow outside right now. Minus Jake Gyllenhal, which would be the only upside about this shit.
Y'ALL, IT'S COLD! Shoot.
It just makes me want to sob. I really hope shit milds the balls out soon. I bought a new wind-breaker over the weekend and I can't wear it soon enough - Hear that spring? SPRUNG Y'SELF ALREADY!!!
Anyballs...
Grammy's last night...
Amy Winehouse swept. Record, Song, Pop Vocal Performance AND Best New Artist honours. Here's hoping the natural high kept her off the bottle for the night at least.
GLARING omission was her losing the Album of the Year award to Herbie Hancock's Joni Mitchell-inspired obscurity. I find it so hilarious when that happens... when the seminal album of a year/generation is shockingly passed over for a more 'credible', insider-y, arcane piece of poo... I'll never forget back in 2001 when Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady" was passed over for some random with a capital "R" album by Steely mothafuckin' Dan... It was an incredibly controversial year for Eminem at that point... he was being protested by gay rights groups that night and performed "Stan" with Elton John... and everyone was on the edge of their seats to see if he'd be rewarded or condemned... and then in the anti-climax to end all anti-climaxes, Steely Dan wins. Golf-claps abound. And these two fucking hobbits putz up to the stage and bore the world at large to absolute tears. It was HILARIOUS.
Anyballs... Kanye West also won some awards... so hopefully he'll shut the fuck up for a while. I had heard that Whitney Houston was supposed to make a cameo during Alicia Keys' performance of "No One" - which was about the most unnecessary staging EVER. Did bitch REALLY need that keyboard on that other stage? Basically what happened is she started out at her piano, which she really needs to do, as if to say "hey y'all. I'm a musician. Make no mistake about it. I play instruments." then she grabbed the mic, got up, flounced around, ululated... then made her way down a catwalk to a centre-stage thingy which had a keyboard on it... which she then reached her left-hand over to and struck a few lower keys... she didn't sit down, or even fucking do some brief solo or something, just pressed some keys. I was like "WTF?!" I thought it was so unnecessary, but that's something I'll have to live with...WELL... there was no Whitney Houston in sight, but instead Alicia was joined on stage by... ... ... John Mayer [pictured to the left, to the left wearing the Borat one-piece swimsuit on his "Mayercraft Carrier" cruise lines or something... I don't really know... nice ass, though... I wouldn't come up for days...]
That was about it. Aretha Franklin is basically a danger to herself and the world at this point. I'm not certain that the earth's ground can hold her anymore. Ooh-Wee bitch is big. And just does absolutely nothing to camouflage that fact. So I guess I kinda gotta hand it to her... no matter...
Pressing on...
BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK
DARCEL [WYNNE]
Who: 5'5", 106-lbs former Head Dancer of the legendary Solid Gold dancers spanning 1980-1986/Chocolate-coated sex on a fucking stick. Now a born-again Christian with three kids, married to one of The Temptations.Why I Love Her This Week: This one is long over due. Dynamism. Drama. Dexterity. All words that jump to mind immediately when the name "Darcel" is uttered. So many reasons to love this woman: i.) She's rockin' Moesha nails... not necessarily the most practical things for a dancer to sport, but the height of sass nonetheless, ii.) She's rockin' the Elizabethan hair configuration... all hair is removed from one's head up to the crown... iii.) Her body is criminally insane... if her body was a serial killer, it'd be John Wayne Gacey-kinda-thing... but moreover...
GET A LOAD OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING MOVES, YO!!!
BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL
Who/What: It's that assfucking groundhog that determines our immediate fate every February when he comes up out of his hole, either sees his shadow or doesn't, and if he does, DAMNS us to 6 more weeks of winter. The story goes that every February 2, Phil comes out of his burrow on - and I shit you not - some place called Gobbler's Knob, in front of thousands of followers who, as per evidenced in the above photograph, are dressed like absolute dicks - to predict the weather for the rest of winter.Why I Hate Him This Week: Because bitch done seen his shadow and as a result, I'll continue to freeze my vagina off for 6 more painstaking weeks.
SONG OF THE WEEK
So it's winter. And it's gonna be for quite some time. And that sucks more than I can possibly describe. So I figured - in a grand attempt to shake off the winter blues and blahs - I did what I usually do when I need a pick-me-up... I made a mix.
Yes... My winter mix. For those of you who loved my "Dance Mix 2007" - and there were a lot of you, thanks for that - you'll fucking love this shit...
1. Mary J. Blige - Just Fine (Moto Blanco Mix)
2. Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (Moto Blanco Mix)
3. Timbaland feat. OneRepublic - Apologize (Lenny B Mix)
4. Snoop Dog - Sexual Eruption (Wideboys Mix)
5. Spice Girls - Wannabe 2008 (Soul Seekers Piano Mix)
6. Britney Spears - Piece Of Me (Bimbo Jones Mix)
7. Santana feat. Chad Kroeger - Into The Night (Tommie Sunshine Mix)
8. Tony Moran feat. Martha Wash - Keep Your Body Workin' (Bassmonkey Mix)
9. Nicole Scherzinger feat. T.I. - Baby Luv (Ralphi Rosario Mix)
10. Justin Timberlake & Beyonce - Until The End Of Time (Maurice Joshua Mix)
11. Kimberley Locke - Band Of Gold (Almighty Mix)
12. Annie Lennox with Madonna - Sing (Dean Coleman Mix)
13. Janet Jackson - Feedback (Moto Blanco Mix)
14. Kelly Rowland - Work (Freemasons Mix)
15. Tone Loc feat. Peaches - Wild Thing (Peaches Mix)
16. Princess Superstar vs. Mason - Perfect (Exceeder) (Original Mix)
17. Ashley Tisdale - He Said, She Said (Von Doom Mix)
18. Sia - The Girl You Lost To Cocaine (Stonebridge Mix)
19. Rihanna - Don't Stop The Music (Wideboys Mix)
20. Felix Da Housecat - Like Something 4 Porno (Original Mix)
21. Natasha Bedingfield - Love Like This (Johnny Vicious Mix)
22. Nelly Furtado - Do It (Passengerz Mix)
23. Jordin Sparks - Tattoo (Tonal Mix)
24. Enrique Eglesias - Somebody's Me (Jody DB Mix)
25. Celine Dion - Taking Chances (I-Soul Mix)
26. Indina Menzel - Gorgeous (Scotty K Mix)
27. Mika - Relax (Take It Easy) (Dennis Christopher Mix)
Phew.
Download/Listen to it HERE!!!
Freezingly yours,
--- Aj
