Guess what I won't be seeing...

D'afternoon cowboys & Indians...

Today, I'm adding a new feature - "Guess what I won't be seeing..." in which I preview coming attractions and why they suck, why I won't be seeing them, and, in the process, purposelessly bashing random actresses and developing entirely unnecessary dislike for them.

Proceeding...

1.) BRATZ

Plot Synopsis c/o imdb.com: Based on the popular characters, Bratz follows four teenage girls who are from socially and economically diverse backgrounds. What they have in common is their wish to be themselves and realize their dreams and aspirations. They start their journey separated by high school cliques, only to realize that by becoming Bratz, their lives will be more fulfilling. A story of empowerment and wish fulfillment, told through a unique mix of song, dance, and of course, fashion. [* You will note that this is the fourth instance of me photoshopping my head onto that of a teenage girl. It's very telling.]

Why I won't be seeing this: So many reasons. Firstly, let's take a look at the major Hollywood players involved in this... Jon Voight and Lainie Kazan. Yep. Angelina Jolie's father and the mother from "My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding". A four virtually anonymous tweenage hos named shit like 'Logan', 'Chelsea' and 'Skylar' i.e. they were totally born in the 90's. Barf.

Paula Abdul was initially tied to the project as a producer/choreographer/star but was unceremoniously-yet-hilariously dumped from the project in a scene from her reality progr'm, "Hey Paula":

Fantastic. Anyballs - I always thought the Bratz were like the illiterate, pregnant teen, gang-member bitches of the Barbie world who would shank ya if you looked at them cock-eyed. But apparently they're girls from various socio-economic and cultural backgrounds with one common dream: to be Bratz. Who the fuck knew? Mehnyways, I won't be seeing it. There will only be one movie based on dolls that I'll ever see if it ever happens and that's Jem & The Holograms. Suck it, Bratz. Suck it.

2.) MR. MAGORIUM'S WONDER IMPORIUM

Plot Synopsis: Molly Mahoney (Portman) is the awkward and insecure manager of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, the strangest, most fantastic, most wonderful toy store in the world. But when Mr. Magorium, the 243 year-old eccentric who owns the store (Hoffman), bequeaths the store to her, a dark and ominous change begins to take over the once remarkable Emporium.

Why I won't be seeing it: I liked this better the first time I saw it when it was called "Toys". Actually, that's a lie. I never saw "Toys" and won't for the life of me ever see it. This movie looks so terrible it makes me angry.

And shame shame shame on Natalie Portman for doing such a hack, formulaic family romp. Especially after leading me to believe she was cool with this:

For shame. For shame.

3.) The Geico Caveman Sitcom

According to Variety: "Cavemen" will revolve around three pre-historic men who must battle prejudice as they attempt to live as normal thirtysomethings in modern Atlanta.


Is this really necessary? Like, really? Are people that endeared to the assfucking Geico caveman that he needs his own sitcom? Well, one things fo' sho'. I won't be watching. Suck it, Geico.

Anyballs, I'll tell you what I WILL be watching...

A 13 PART SERIES OF YOUTUBE-INGS DOCUMENTING THE LAST BITCH SALAD!!! HOORAY!!!

Here it is at long last!!!

Me: Part 1, Part 2
Dini Dimakos: Part 1, Part 2
The Nefarious Black Roses: Part 1, Part 2
Katherine Ryan: Part 1, Part 2
Desiree Lavoy: Part 1, Part 2
Jodie Foster (Kirsten Gallagher): Here
Trevor Boris: Part 1, Part 2

Put that shit in y'back pocket and smoke it. And then come to this!!!:




That's right - it's this motherfucking Friday!!! Doors at 8 PM!!! Show at 8:30!!! Call 416-975-8555 or go to the box office!!!

Whatwhat,

--- Aj