Which means c'est temps for an Idol wrapup.
I can promise you one thing and one thing only: last night's Idol was far from rojo caliente. In fact, if burgeoning reggaeton superstar Meagan Taylor was to pen a poignant dance hall hit and follow up to her masterpiece "Rojo Caliente" about last night's Idol, it would no doubt be called "Hiele El Frío". Or no... that sounds too exciting and extreme... It would be called "Luke Calenta". That's the one.
Yeah... it sucked... the theme was inspirational songs... bah... allow me to wretch in my mouth right here and now...
Michael Johns, who clearly thinks that cravat is working for him, takes the stage first with Aerosmith's "Dream On". Many of you will likely know the song as the sample used in Eminem's "Sing For The Moment", I believe. The song - as it was originally recorded in 1973 - sounds NOTHING like Steven Tyler is singing it... you could easily mistake him with Freddie Mercury. I guess he lived very, VERY hard for four years, because by the time their next big releases, "Sweet Emotion" and "Walk This Way", hit - bitch sounded COMPLETELY different. But I happily digress: Michael does a perfectly fine job of it. It's a great song, but I don't think there's anyone living or dead who could ever make that falsetto part sound sincere or necessary. Anyway - his performance is classic "Okay, that was good, but we're totally gonna hear better tonight"... which, of course, we don't... so Michael actually ends up being one of the best of the night...Syesha needs a swift kick in the box. Was last week not warning enough? STOP TAKING ON DIVAS WHO DWARF YOU. Just because you can do something tolerably, doesn't mean you should. Last week, Syesha established that she's not Whitney. This week, she established that she's not Fantasia. Seriously, the most that Syesha could be, and this is on a good day, is Dawn Robinson from En Vogue. For real - I found it brash and downright insulting that she dared take on Fantasia's victory-lap single "I Believe"... THEN the bitch had the absolute gall to sassily question Randy comparing her to Fanny during her judgement... Mmmkay... I don't know if you remember Fantasia singing this, but I do. I can distinctly remember vaulting up out of m'seat during it, it was so jubilant and moving...
Yeah. Your eyes did not deceive you - rainbows were, in fact, shooting out of her asshole. NUTS! Anyway... if Fantasia and Syesha were Philadelphia cream cheeses, Fanny would be the thick bricks of the shit you buy to make cheesecake and nacho dips out of, and Syesha would be the Ultra Light shit with cracks in it that anorexic girls spread on Melba toast. That's all.
Anytime, anyplace Jason Castro wants a moustache ride from me, it's his. I love this man. His selection of the Israel Kamakawiwoʻole version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" was inspired, truly. I'll tell you squarely what I appreciate about Jason, specifically last night - he doesn't fucking mug for the cameras like an overly self-aware asshole, in fact last night he didn't even look at the camera. I find that so refreshing and honest. Anyway - I thought it was probably one of his best since the stirring "Hallelujah" of 80's week. I'm really, reeeeally rooting for this guy. Any critic who thinks he's mediocre or the hipster's pick is out of their fucking mind...Kristy Lee Cook, much like boisterous queers marching in a pride parade circa-the mid 90's, is "here, get used to it!" Did that make sense? I tried, I did. Whatever. Kristy Lee continues to bless us with her signature blend of patriot porn with a Martina McBride number about believing in yourself and following in your dreams. Grading it on the Kristy Lee curve, it's A+!!! Gold star!!! First pick at the toys - oh! She calls the Flintstone Phone!!!... however, judging it against the rest of the Idols, it only sucks rhinoceros balls slightly less than she usually does. Meh. She'll be safe... On the plus side, we'll get to see her absolutely decimate a Mariah Carey song next week...
Annnnd the cracks are beginning to show in David Cook. Looks like everything he touches doesn't turn to gold. Singing Our Lady Peace's "Innocent", he spends much more time in his lower register than he should and is completely overwhelmed by the abnormally huge backing singers. Also, David - Financial Guru/Rug Bumper Suze Orman called, and she wants her jacket back... actually... she'd also like her hair back... and face... hmmm... well this is all very startling, isn't it...Carly, Carly, Carly Smithson. I can only put up with so much until I lose the faith. Make no mistake about it - I am totally one of Carly's angels... but her performance of Queen's "The Show Must Go On" was tentative, abbreviated and angry. Not so inspirational. Her normally soaring and directed vocals seemed forced and aimless and the whole thing was kind of a disaster... not to mention that Paris Bennett easily outdid her with the same song back in Season 5... I was crossing m'fingers to the point of cutting off circulation that she would sing Heather Smalls' "Proud" - fuck, that SOMEONE would sing it... even Kristy Lee... - but no dice. I think Carly should be VERY worried.
One little precocious, cherubic bastard that need not be worried is the perpetually dandy David Archuleta. Singing Robbie Williams' "Angel", he continued serving up exactly what people want from him... I totally agree with Simon in this case... I have no clue as to why this song wasn't a huge hit in North America... or why ANY Robbie Williams song isn't a huge hit, because people, the man's amazing. I fucking love his music. "Rock DJ"... "Millenium"... "Let Me Entertain You"... "Lovelight" - all gold. But didn't Jessica Simpson actually cover this song and have a modicum of success with it during her heyday? Well, whatever the case may be, Archuleta knocked it out of the park and there's really nothing else to say about it.Closing the show tonight is human-sad puppy hybrid Brooke White singing Carole King's "You Got A Friend". Holy shit, can you be more obvious? Brooke sang that with all the heart-bursting desperation of Sophie in "Sophie's Choice" when having to make the choice... In other news, I finally put my finger on who Brooke sounds like - a considerably less vocally talented Theresa Sokyrka, whom you may remember as the runner-up to Kalan Porter on Canadian Idol, Season 2... No matter... anyway... yeah... Brooke does fine... I was expecting the judge's to gush over it seeing as the bitch was on the brink of tears throughout the song and in the bottom three last week, but to my delight, they were just "meh".
Going...
This is a no-brainer. All the guys are safe, and I predict will be safe for a few weeks to come. I think it's pretty safe to say that it's a boys' competition right now - there's not a female left who stands a prayer in hell... unless you count Jason Castro, which, you very well may... the only gal I think gave herself a pass this week is Brooke on account of her going last, not doing terribly and making her first visit to the Bottom 3 last week thereby rallying her fan base.
Bottom 3 will be: Kristy Lee, Carly and Syesha. Kristy Lee will be safe because A.) she fucking always is and B.) she sufficiently pandered to her base, and she's the only one who does pander to that base, which is huge.
That means Carly and Syesha - strangely enough, the competition's strongest voices - will be left battling it out for the night's 7th place finish... it just depends on what's more unforgivable to the American public... Carly falling short of the bar she's set or Syesha's post-interview abrasiveness... I'm hesitant to call it, but I'm absolutely willing that Syesha's sent packing...
We'll see.
Another thing we'll see? IN JUST UNDER A MOTHERFUCKING WEEK!!!!!
Still rojo,
--- Aj
