Soooo much to talk about...

Woo-howdy.

My head is spinning right now, there's so much to talk about.

So we'll get right down to it:

First things first:


Did y'see??? Did y'see???

Okay. Overall, rousing success in my eyes. Many, many laughs to be had. I thought Fred Armisen was actually outrageously effective as Barack Obama. Tina's monologue was hilarious - particularly when she said "I can do it!" as if she was i.) in an old-tymey movie and ii.) as a Spanish cartoon mouse. "What's That Bitch Talking About?" should actually be a game show. That hot-air balloon lady that Kristen Wiig played was amazing. And the last sketch - "Lady Business", a parody of Lipstick Jungle/Cashmere Mafia - Wow. "My name is Nan Goldblatt-Cooper. I suck small woodland animals out from underneath buildings with a giant vacuum, and, I'm the best." Or whatever it is she said. I've been cackling about that since. Wow.

Another sufficient highlight? This little call to arms that Tina made during weekend update:

Yes. Bitch is the new black. I can remember the gaggle of us watching it together actually applauded after that. It was one of those times where everything I think about an issue is so nicely summarized by one of the elder stateswomen of comedy - it's one of the most sublime feelings of satisfaction, I can't even tell you. It's how I felt everyday for the almost-year of the Rosie O'Donnell regime on The View.

A sufficient lowlight, however...

WTF?! Memo to Maya Rudolph: Please, PLEASE stop fuckin' with us. You best be back, bitch! Upon further, immediate research on this issue, it's been disclosed that a contract was never hammered out and she was sort of there on an episode-by-episode basis, however Lorne Michaels' claims that he'll be "calling her until she changes her phone number" in regards to wanting her back. So that's promising. However, not promising? THAT NEW CHICK. Boo-urns. Her name is Casey Wilson and she apparently comes from the Upright Citizens Brigade in LA. I don't know too much else about her other than that, but what I DO know is that she tries way to hard and doesn't do anything we haven't seen a million and a half times over. She like every other hammy, overeager, slightly-overweight chick I've ever seen get up on an improv stage/sketch troupe in the history of me seeing things. They are in trouble if she was as good as it gets. Four words: Julie Klausner and Jackie Clarke. DO IT! ADD THEM!

Second things second:

OSCARS OSCARS OSCARS!!!

So last night was the 80th annual (holy balls... that's a long time) Academy Awards. As per always, I attended a costumed fete chez Andrea Caswell to watch it with my nearest and dearest. Regrettably, I didn't upload the photos we took, so I'll need to post them later. Yerxa was Bleecker from Juno, Larissa was Juno, Caswell was DDL from There Will Be Blood, Heidi was (of course) Princess Giselle from Enchanted, Anth was Michael Clayton... the list goes on.

So red carpet. The stars came out. Boy did they ever... Stars like:

Katherine Heigl, who had apparently just come from playing a children's carnival-themed birthday party, because I don't know how the fuck else to explain the clown makeup...

The always constipated anus-face of Renee Zellweger. Seriously. What is going on with your face?

Brazenly dismissing the notion that black is slimming and white makes one look larger, Jennifer Hudson and her amazing distorted rack... Sidebar - did anyone see how discombobulated she was when reading the teleprompter? And how she pronounced Javier Bardem's name "Harvierre?" Hudson, Hudson, Hudson... love it...

The requisite "WHY THE FUCK IS SHE THERE?!?!" star of the night, Hannah Montana herself, Miley Cyrus. Seriously? Why the fuck? That makes ABSOLUTELY no sense...

Eventual Oscar winner Tilda Swinton and her entourage of fellow Androids, Humanoids, Robots, Cyborgs, Drones and other freaky-as-hell artificial beings. HOLY FUCK, SHE IS SOOOO CREEPY!!! Lordy lordy...

And of course, not party would be complete without the radiant Jennifer Garner...

It was duly noted at our party that the producers of the telecast had a massive boner for Jennifer Garner. It seemed like everything that happened, we needed to consult Jennifer Garner and see what she thought of it. Coupled with the fact that her very irksome Neutrogena commercials aired every break, it was a bit of a JG overload.

Someone who couldn't possibly get a JG overload, however? Gary Busey-

Talk about awkward. Well, fuck, what else do you expect from Gary "Juicy" Busey? If you said anything a shade above that or higher, well, my friend, y'out y'mind.

The ceremonies themselves were fine. The order in which the awards were presented was a little fucked. It seemed like forever and a year before they got to the acting awards - the first (and really, only) upset of the night - in which Best Supporting Actress went to Tilda "Tron" Swinton and NOT Ruby Dee. Poo.

Other than that, things pretty much went to plan... Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood (he abandoned his child. he abandoned his child. he abandoned his boy... oh! there he is. nevermind)... "Harvierre" Bardem and his smokingly hot 800-year old Spanish mami for No Country... The extremely expressive Coen Brothers for everything they were possibly nominated for... Ratatatataouille for Best-anything-to-do-with-Animated-anything... Diablo Cody (pictured to the left, to the left) for Juno, her very first screenplay - resulting in a very moving little speech that culminated in her errupting into tears after thanking her family for "accepting her just the way [she is]"... those two sickeningly in-love Irish kids for that song from Home... the only other surprise of the night was Marion Cottilard besting Julie Christine for top honours in the Best Actress category for her riveting turn as Edith Piaf in "La Vie En Rose"... I haven't seen it yet, but after that acceptance speech, you best believe I will... shoot...

How fucking adorable was she?! Two pieces of trivia: A.) She's the first bitch since Sophia Loren (and only other bitch, besides Sophie L) to win the Oscar for a non-English film in 40 YEARS, and B.) Bitch totally wasn't rewarded on her native soil... she didn't win the French Oscar - of, FROSCAR. Well, well, well. SUCK IT, FRANCE!

It wasn't all roses and baguettes, though. What the fuck was up with that military thing? Where they had those soldiers read the nominees for some documentary category. Notice how not into that everyone was? I thought that was incredibly patronizing and just inappropriate. Do Oscars really need to pander to middle America like that? Isn't having fucking Miley Cyrus there enough? Good grief...

Another lowlight:

Sorry Amy, sorry Kirstie Chen-O. Love ya normally, but everything about the "Enchanted" numbers was underwhelming, perplexing and embarassing. What the balls was with Amy Adams singing that happy working son with nary a rodent friend in sight? It wasn't like she was singing a stand alone pop hit... she kinda looked like a retard just singing that song straight... and that's heartbreaking. And Kirsten Chenowith? What the balls? I don't even know... after that elderly kick-line, I was lost for good...

Anyballs... that was the 'scars. See ya next year, same time, same place.

Third things third:

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

TIE!

i.) LEILANI BILLARD

Who: Former child star most memorable as Elizabeth "Busy" Ramone from the smash hit iconic legendary zeigeist-y series "Ready Or Not" that ran from 1993-1997, most recently seen i.) as the number 1 slot on my countdown of Sister/Daughter/Ingenue's from 1990's sitcoms who have done little-to-nothing with their career as an actress and ii.) as an openly lesbian reiki practioner on her open facebook page.
Why I Loved Her: So many reasons: a.) she was Busy from "Ready Or Not", b.) as Busy, she was Canada's 'Darlene' from Roseanne, only with more emotional girth, c.) she's now an energy healer and a lesbo, and evaded a life of meth and porn unlike SOME PEOPLE (*cough* Jaimee Foxworth *cough*), d.) I'm fairly positive that her name Lani is short for Leilani, which is the greatest name in the world.

and, ii.) DIABLO CODY

Who: Oscar-winning Minnesotan stripper-cum-screenwriter/bloggist and helmer of Juno.
Why I Loved Her: A.) Her dialogue is too punchy for its own good, B.) She glamorized teen pregnancy to the point of no return, C.) She mixes trashiness and classiness in ways that Jessica Simpson can't even begin to imagine, D.) She bared her tats at the Oscars, E.) She WON an Oscar for her first screenplay, F.) Her acceptance speech was legendary and G.) Her name is funny.

BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK

ANOTHER TIE!

i.) CHOLA CUCHIMUNCHO

Who: [*not her actual name. Actual name remains unknown. But Chola CuchiMuncho will do nicely] Hysterical Hispanic dog owner who's systematically trained her out-of-control pup "Happy" to chomp on anyone and everyone's genitals.
Why I Hated Her: Because her dog bites people's "baginas" and "penitheth" mirroring her hysterical behavior is why! That, and I like kicking people when they're down. And this bitch is clearly down.

and ii.) THE MILLIONAIRE LIFE BITCH

Who: Spokeswhore for the Ontario Gaming Commission's "Millionaire For Life" sweepstakes. Beyond that, I'd have to imagine she's some Ontario Gaming Commission executive's niece or trailer-park mistress or someone who performs freakish sexual favours for some higher up because I don't understand how someone who looks like that was allowed access in front of a camera.
Why I Hated Her: Hi. What the fuck is wrong with your hair. Is it supposed to look like that on purpose? Holy fuck.

Fourth things fourth:

1 WEEK AWAY!!!

That's right. COME! You better. For real.

I'll drink your milkshake,

Drink right up,

--- Aj

Grrrr...

Hey y'all.

First things first: I ended up being 3/4 last night with m'Idol picks. Joanne Borgella, Garret Haley and, in the first MAJOR upset of the season (not really) Amy Davis were sent packing, as I predicted. Also going, Colton Berry. *sigh*. I guess I could have predicted that, but I was too busy swooning over the youngster. Oh well. I thought Simon was pretty harsh on him, though... advising him to go get a job and sing for fun. There are tonnes of homos in musical theatre who are substantially less competent than him making a quaint living in dinner theatre and the like. B'aaanyway. I did make notice of how very jarring Danny Noriega's reaction to Colton leaving was... as if to say "NOOO!!! There goes my buttboy!!!" Another cut, another gay tweenage romance dashed. *cue Janet Jackson's "That's The Way Love Goes"*

Second things second: Y'all... it's been a while since I've done a good countdown. And since it's Friday, a day made for countdowns, I've decided to let the good times roll. This is one I've had in the cooker for a while now.

So I'll just cut to the chase... remember

Here are The Top 10 Sister/Daughter/Ingenues of Classic Sitcoms Who Have Done Little-to-Nothing With Their Career As An Actress Since!!!

10.) DANICA McKELLAR as "WINNIE COOPER" on THE WONDER YEARS

Who She Was: As the most irksome ingenue to ever grace an 80's/90's sitcom, Danica's Winnie played love interest and foil to Fred Savage's Kevin from 1988-1993. Of note: bitch totally left him with blue balls. As it turns out, she ups and offs to Paris to study art where they write each other a letter a week for 8 years until her return. They never married.
Who She Is Lately: Danica hasn't exactly been rollin' in scripts since her stint on The Wonder Years. In fact, if you were to make a narrated dramedy about her life lately, it might be called The Blunder Years. See how I did that!? See!? See!? Yes. Anyballs... it's been sporatic guest appearances here and there, mainly on fleeting sitcoms that no one could remember for their life. It seem her biggest coo was starring in a Lifetime miniseries called Inspector Mom (sounds AMAZING) and doing a sexy, math-themed pictorial for Stuff Magazine. Why math-themed? Because, apparently, she's a math whiz. Something she parlayed into a book entitled "Math Doesn't Suck", pictured above. Who the fuck knew?
Editor's Sidebar: Gah. I could never stand Winnie Cooper. The way she naggingly said "Kevin" drove me nuts - but she's far too prominent in this category for me to exclude, so I'll suck it up.

9.) LECY GORANSON as "BECKY CONNER-HEALEY" on ROSEANNE

Who She Was: Roseanne and Dan Connor's eldest daughter, Becky. Originally a promising, Straight-A student all hell broke loose when she met and fell head over heels for bad boy, Mark Healey. Classic story... the ran away, eloped, lived out of state, it caused a huge rift for the family that everyone eventually grew to accept. In real life, Lecy Goranson was pretty difficult. At the top of the 5th season, Lecy exited the show to attend Vassar College, and an agreement was reached to use her sparingly - mostly in scenes where she would phone in that would be shot out of state... the same thing they did in the final Suzanne Somers years on Three's Company. Anyballs... at some point they decided to do away with this idea, Sarah Chalke (Elliot from Scrubs) was brought in to replace her, then Lecy decided she wanted to come back, so she did, then left again, then came back again, then left AGAIN and holy fuck. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
Who She Is Lately: It seems that people haven't been as accomodating to the Lec-sters schedule in recent years, to say the least. Besides playing the odd trailer park-fare (the doomed "Candace" in Boys Don't Cry and one half of the couple that plays Indian giver with their unborn child to Charlotte & Harry in the final episode of Sex & The City) now-Alicia Goranson isn't exactly burnin' up the celluloid these days.
Editor's Sidebar: When I was a kid - say, Grade 4 or 5 - me and a few schoolyard chums had this game we played on the teacher on duty at recess. We'd run up and 'tattle' on various obscure child-stars of the moment and this would royally fuck them up. I can specifically remember going up to one - Mrs. Anderson - and saying "Mrs. Anderson! Lecy Goranson's throwing stones at me!" and she just looked at me like "Ummm, okay. I'll... I'll... go and, um, speak with her... Yes..." FUN!

8.) GABRIELLE CARTERIS as "ANDREA ZUCKERMAN" on BEVERLY HILLS, 90210

Who She Was: Much like the fact that although Estelle Getty played the oldest Golden Girl, she was in fact, the youngest cast member - the fact that Gabrielle Carteris was the oldest cast member (clocking in at a heavy 29 years old) to play a high-school student remains one of the most oft-relayed pieces of trivia in television history. Gabby C got her start with bit parts in after-school specials and hit the fucking jackpot when she landed the role of studious school-newspaper editrix, Andrea Zuckerman. As the brainy bookworm who stayed home from prom and had unrequited crushes on everyone, she was certainly one of a kind in the sexy teenage smoulder-fest that was 90210. By the fifth (and her fina) season, she got pregnant with Jesse Vasquez's baby, moved to Conneticut to study pre-med and was never seen again.
Who She Is Lately: Gabrielle hoped she could parlay her time as Andrea Zuckerman into other projects. Hope springs eternal, Gabby C. Immediately after her stint in 90210, she launched a tabloid-talk show called "Gabrielle". It lasted one season. Besides a very, very puny smattering of 1-off's on hour-long, usually female-oriented dramas, her biggest claim to fame of late was 'starring' in the first season of The Surreal Life. Apparently she voices a lot of video games now. Hmmm.

7.) DANIELLE FISHEL as "TOPANGA LAWRENCE-MATTHEWS" on BOY MEETS WORLD

Who She Was: Originally intended as a minor recurring character on Boy Meets World, brainy, opinionated Topanga was thrust into lead role in its second season as love interest and foil to Ben "Cory Matthews" Savage. Ever the modern gal, Topanga proposed to Cory at their graduation and off to college they went.
Who She Is Lately: While her career as an actress really hasn't consisted of anything more than a few direct-to-DVD National Lampoon College movies, her personal life has been rather interesting. She dated a pre-gay Lance Bass; she was on the Tyra Banks Show discussing her dramatic weight loss and Nutrisystem; and of course last year was busted on DUI. That's probably the most exciting news we've heard all countdown s'far.

6.) JODI SWEETIN as "STEFANIE TANNER" on FULL HOUSE

Who She Was: Adorable, raggamuffin middle-child to the Tanner family from 1987-1995... so from the ages of 5 to 13... so the boob-growin' and period-gettin' ages...
Who She Is Lately: My my my my my. If Jodi could say two words to her fate, they would certainly be her Full House catchphrase - "How Rude!". You can count her 1-off guest spots on various shitty sitcoms on one-hand (and specifically, three fingers). Her current 'gig' seems to be as host of a show called "Pants-Off Dance-Off" which what I assume is a So You Think You Can Dance? for strippers. Personal-life-wise: I think everyone in the world did a double-take to learn that she was a huge meth-head back in 2006. Anyway, with the help of the Promises rehab centre in Malibu, she kicked the meth and now speaks out about that experience. She's also pregnant. Very, very pregnant.

5.) TINA YOTHERS as "JENNIFER KEATON" on FAMILY TIES

Who She Was: Ohhh. The Big Yuth. Who could forget her as standout baby Jennifer on Family Ties. Such a role model was she, that she penned an instructional guide for weathering the seas of female adolescence entitled "Being Your Best: Tina Yothers Guide For Girls". I know I sweared by it - who's with me?!
Who She Is Lately: Well, following The 'Matters, it was apparent that The Yoth had a bit of a dark side. She died her hair black - black as night - and formed a band called Jaded. Her subsequent body of work is stunning: playing Tonya Harding in the short, "Spunk: The Tonya Harding Story"... and that. is. it. As herself, she competed in the fourth season of Celebrity Fit Club and lost a whopping 42 lbs! She's now married to an electrician and has 4 kids ... Sha-la-la-la.

4.) TRACEY GOLD as "CAROL SEAVER" on GROWING PAINS

Who She Was: Originally cast as the youngest kid on the Nell Carter vehicle Gimme A Break, plucky, teenage everywoman Tracey Gold crept into our hearts and our homes as middle-child Carol of the Seaver clan - famously headed by Alan Thicke and Joanna Kearns.
Who She Is Lately: Well, it all started mid-series run on The 'Pains. Tracey's character Carol was to be the brunt on countless fat jokes administered by her TV-brothers. That's how Tracey Gold plummetted to around 80 pounds and became one of the first 'out' anorexic celebrities ever. After becoming the original [surviving] poster-girl for Anorexics in Hollywood, she went on to star in a slew of Lifetime TV Movies - most notably, "For The Love Of Nancy"... starring Gold in the title role as a teen struggling with anorexia. I remember there was this class back in Grade 10 called simply "Foods". It was kind of like Home Ec only strictly about Food. Nutrition, baking, that sort of shit. You know how teachers kill time by showing movies that are looooosely relevant to whatever topic they're covering at the time? This is how we covered eating disordes - by watching that assfucking movie. No. Paron me. It was two movies - "For The Love Of Nancy" AND "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"... because there was an obese chick in it... yeah... ... ... Annnnnyballs - Tracey's now a recovered anorexic with 4 kids (guess the 'rex didn't ravage her insides as per projected) and her most recent claim to fame is a DUI she was busted on back in '06.

3.) ELIZABETH BERKELEY as "JESSIE SPANO" on SAVED BY THE BELL

Who She Was: She was so excited! She was so excited! She was so... ... ... scared. Thaaaat's right, everyone's favourite liberal-minded, smart-as-a-whip, overachieving, recovering-caffeine-pill-adict class president of Bayside High!!!
Who She's Been Lately: Well, everyone knows what happened to Elizabeth Berkley. Immediately - and I mean immdiately - after Saved By The Bell wrapped, Zibby B signed on to make her feature film debut in a promising little romp entitled "Showgirls". Saved By The Bell? More like Doomed By The Pole! HEEEEY! To this day, Elizabeth Berkeley's decision to do Showgirls stands as one of the all-time gruesome career suicides in the history of Hollywood. She's had some reasonably favoured roles here and there, but nothing has come near eclipsing the epic shitstorm that is Showgirls.

2.) JAIMEE FOXWORTH as "JUDY WINSLOW" on FAMILY MATTERS

Who She Was: No one know for certain. Well, no. Judy was the youngest of the Winslow children. Don't remember her? Well, blink and you would have missed her. Although she was around for three seasons, her role diminished episode by episode until one day - poof! There she wasn't. Never given an explanation, never made reference to again... she truly is the forgotten Winslowe...
Who She Is Lately: Well, on this countdown, we've seen a lot of things. We've seen child stars-turned-meth addicts. Child stars-turned-anorexics. Child stars-turned-well... Tina Yothers. What we haven't seen is child stars-turned-porn stars... until now. And not only did Miss Jaimee Foxworth do porn, but it was really super-skanky ghetto porn called shit like "Booty Talk 20: Super Fine Sistas!" and "Sugarwalls 29" (above are some screenshots, with naughty bits obscured by Harriette Winslow making the exact look I'd have to imagine her making upon finding out that Judy was doing porn)... anyway, apparently she's since stopped. She's done the whole Oprah, Tyra circuit and apparently mentored other young girls in an effort to to tread the same path... whoops, spoke too soon. She's currently on Dr. Drew's "Celebrity Rehab". Ohhh well...

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) LANI BILLARD as "ELIZABETH 'BUSY' MARIA TERESA CARLITA RAMONE" on READY OR NOT

Who She Was: Seminal, iconic character to an entire of generation of Canadian (and some cable-watching American) youth who plowed her way through the bumps and turns of adolescence, not always succeeding, not always failing, but always with class. IT'S BUSY, Y'ALL!!! The original fumbling, androngynous, potentially lesbo teenage heroine! What's not to LOVE?!
Who She Is Lately: Well, acting didn't exactly pan out for the Lon-ster. Powers that be in casting could never get over her iconic turn as Busy - and really, who could blame them? And there's precious little info about her whereabouts beyond that... that is, until a visit to her open facebook page! As it tuns out, she's now A.) an out-and-proud lesbo, currently in a relationship no less and B.) a reiki practitionner. And not just for humans, for animals as well!

Still not clear: What exactly will her mother say?

Questions...

Questions...

In other news:

10 DAYS AWAY!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! CAN YOU EVEN HANDLE IT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Because I totally can't.

Have a good weekend,

--- Aj

Haute-ish Topics

Well folks,

It's official...

After last night, we have a clear front runner to win American Idol...

AMY DAVIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Amy Davis is electrifying. Amy Davis opens her mouth, and the world stands still. Children stop crying. War ceases. The poor become rich. The hungry, fed. The buttefly population easily triples as a testament to the consummate beauty she exudes. Amy Davis' vocal power knows no bounds. None whatsoever. If she exerted her voice at only half-power, it could devastate an entire continent. At full belt - well, that would surely signal the Rapture. BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER OF AMY DAVIS, AS PER SEEN LAST NIGHT:

So yeah. Of course I'm kidding. This bitch sucks balls. And not just two of them. But NINE sets of 2, and one set of 3. She has absolutely no business being there at all. NONE. I was actually nervously laughing out loud at her when she sang, it was so mortifying. It was like watching a retarded parapalegic person being thrown down a bottomless ravene blindfolded - it was just utterly, utterly hopeless.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

So here's my sort of precis about the boys: David Hernandez... Went first. Unexceptional. Definitely lost some of his lustre. The only thing that will save him is that there were guys who did FAR worse and less memorable (yes, that's possible) than him... Chekezie... wowzers, he lost some weight. I mean, he had some to spare, but good for him. Vocally, meh. He kind of looks like Forrest Whittaker. Maybe if there's a movie night, he could sing "Kiss From A Rose" and dress up like Forrest in his Oscar-winning turn as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland... just a suggestion... David Cook... is kind of a smug bastard who screamed a lot. He reminds me of this dude who worked in a jazz shop that I needed to go in for my boss one time... I went in there and was like "do you have any records by Oscar Gugetta [or whatever his name was... some obscure jazz man that I've never heard of and doubt you have either]" and the guy sighs and says "yes" as-if to say "of course we do, retard" and I paused for a second, looked at him like "are you fucking serious" and said to him very sarcastically, "You lead a very rich life, my friend"... ANYWAY - he reminds me of him... he seems like a douchebag... I don't like him... Jason Yaeger... I can't really remember him... he sang "Moon River", did he not? He's doughy, dicky AND a crier... what's not to hate...

Robbie Carrico did fess up to the fact that he was in a boygirl group in the early 90's, yes... but he failed to mention that they were BOYZ-N-GIRLZ UNITED... I will not rest until he says their fucking name! Anyway... we get it, you want us to view you as a rocker... it's not gonna happen... you're gonna be pulling bingo numbers with Constantine Maroulis in 6 months time... David Archuleta is the out-and-out frontrunner as of right now... he makes me sick, but people seem to like him... sure... I thought his voice really struggled with some of that and have to imagine that his weaknesses will become more and more obvious in coming weeks, but he'll be around for a while... maybe even long enough for him to grow pubes... Danny Noriega looked frumpy. And what the balls was with choosing "Jailhouse Rock"? He should have done Lesley Gore's "You Don't Own Me" and called it a day. I did enjoy his sassy bobblehead when he rebutted to Simon, though... he's quite a card... Luke Menard is an assfucking unuch... for sho... that is just a criminally high voice... and despite this, it was abysmally unmemorable... Colton Berry is still kind of adorable, sorry. Ugh, I can't believe I find Colton Berry attractive. Suffice to say, this a low point in my existence. But whatevs... he's theatrical, yes, but he's a stronger singer than all the other tweenage himbros up in there... Garret Haley needs to be stopped... seriously... he needs to be destroyed and everything that ever contributed to his existence needs to be eliminated. Holy fuck. I felt similarly watching him as I did with Amy Davis. Retard. Parapalegic. Blindfolded. Hurled down a ravene. Oy... Jason Castro was such a pleasant surprise. I really, really like this dude. And really, really liked him doing "What A Day For A Daydream". He's very current, very now. I can't see him lasting, though. He still suffers from extreme lack of previous screen time and something tells me he'll have some serious trouble tackling the broader themes... Michael Johns is a fraction of what he's cracked up to be. The judges hail him as being the next Michael Hutchence, when in reality he's the next Rick Astley. Which is still sort of awesome in its own right, but not really. I really don't find him more than a shade above competent.

Meanwhile...

Kristy-Lee Cook... barf. Barf. Barf. Barf. Sang "Rescue Me" when she should have stayed in her comfort zone and sang "Rose Garden" or something instead. Apparently she's suffering from bronchittus. Apparently bronchittus makes you blow moose cock. She's not good, y'all. The only thing that would save her now would be a leaked sex tape... Joanne Borgella just doesn't have the goods... her Redwood-thick frame produces a reed-thin voice, and it's not pretty to listen to... she's clearly out of depth in this competition... all I can think of when I see her is A.) how much she looks like a business-casualized Frenchie Davis and B.) how awesome a singer Frenchie is/was, and how not awesome Joanne is... Alaina Whitaker looks like someone but I have no idea who... it's not Carrie Underwood... I think it might be Madonna, what with the gap in her teeth... she's definitely got a voice, I'll give her that. I wouldn't laud her to generously yet, though... she's still a dime a dozen in this crowd... Amanda Overmyer could have been SO much more awesome than she was... what the fuck? Scatting? I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. And she looks really unsure on stage. She's desperately afraid of the camera. Desperately. That said, she's still awesome and I hope she gets comfortable FAST...

Amy Davis, of course, is the most earth-shatteringly amazing talent that's e'er graced this earth for reasons I've already delved into... Brooke White is just not good. She might be if she embraced her limitations and stuck to that Carole King-esque shit she does, but she's not... she's trying to belt and flex vocal muscles that she simply doesn't have - what the fuck was up with that ending on "So Happy Together"? "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-BAAAAAAAH!"... yeah, unnecessary... Alexandrea Lushington was the surprise of the night, hands down. Fucking LOVED everything she did. She is oh-so current and just fantastic. Thank God for her and Jason. PLEASE may they stick around... Kady Malloy... I actually agreed with everything the judges said... she's more herself - ie what makes her stand out - when she immitates other people than what she's currently projecting... because what she's projecting is a big pile of baby poo... Her days are numbered... specifically, 1... Asia'H Epperson is hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. She slides into notes, and that kinda makes her sound like she's deaf, but I still totally dig it. She reminds me of Faith Evans. I think she'll be around for a bit... Ramiele Malubay is adorable as the extensive collection of Hello Kitty merchandise I assume she has, but is a good-old fashioned karaoke singer and it begins and ends there... Syesha Mercado has clearly got an attitude, and it's not a good one. "They keep us away from the sick ones"? Hmmm... I didn't find her performance or vibe all that amazing... she's still very precocious and I'm starting to find myself somewhat rooting for the rug to be pulled out from under her... if only they could put her voice in Alexandrea, Alexyshandrea would be unstoppable... And lastly, Carly Smithson needs to stop blatantly crossing paths with black cats. Because I don't know how else to explain bitches luck. She too, had bronchittus. I couldn't tell until she coughed a-la "Look! I'm sick!!! Really!!!"... it was the same thing ya do when ya call in sick for work... anyway, didn't know the song, thought it kinda sucked, but still love her. Her upper range is to die for.

Going home:
Boys - This is a toss up. There are so many it could be. 6, actually. Danny H, Chikezie, Jason Y, Luke or Garret. My knee-jerk reaction was that Luke Menard and Garret Haley gave the most unmemorable and alienating performances, respectively, so that's who I'll go with.

Girls - Easy as pie. Joanne Borgella is headed back to Lane Bryant and, because the public will surely fear her power and talent rather than embrace it (or, because she sucks Moray-Eel ass), Amy Davis.

We'll see...

We shall see...

--- Aj

Happy Bit Me In The Vagina

Oh.

Yes.

Please - watch this:

In it's entirety. For serious.

I'm so serious, that I'll post it AGAIN:

Yeah. Thank the lord Oprah that youtube exists. It was one of my life's goals to watch a desperate middle-aged Chola cry over her demonic dog attacking a businessman - and then try and reconcile the situation by explaining that the dog has bit her in the vagina countless times. SO IT'S ALL COOL, SEE?!

Points to ponder:

- She has to very explicitly say vagina. Not crotch, not groin, not nether regions but VAGINA. (*In her defence, a little research has unearthed that the Spanish word for vagina is, in fact, vagina. So any argument that she also could have pronounced the word in her mother tongue is moot. MOOT!)

- This dog has quite a penchant for gnawing on genitals... first her 'bagina', then her baby labrador's "penith". WTF?

- The animal trainer sniffs that the dog's behavior reflects the woman's. Which means that bitch must give some toothier-than-thou blow jobs. Shoooot.

And finally,

- The name of this genital-chomping dog? HAPPY.

Jees Louise. So I'm kind of torn as to whether or not I should bother 'reviewing' the first performance episode of American Idol's 7th season that premiered last night. BO - RING. Talk about some bland company.

Mayhaps it's not their fault. For the first time EVER, they were given a theme for the semi-finals - rounds typically reserved for contestants to carve out their respective niches by picking any songs they so damn want. But NO. Last night was 60's theme. Boo-Urns. It was just more of the same. Depending on how the girls do tonight, I'd wager that a last minute decision will be made to scrap this plan all together until the Top 12.

Baaanyway. I'll do a brief rundown of the shit tomorrow when I recap the girls. I can't see it taking too long.

I'm doing a showcase at Yuk's tonight. It's the Toronto preliminaries for the Great Canadian Laugh-Off... something that I actually won in its innagural year. The only thing I've ever won, actually. It was a grand feeling. Thought it would never end. Guess what - IT DID!!! Hahaha. So yeah, that's tonight. Come if you want, it should be fun.

More fun?

YEP!!! LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY!!! IT'S GONNA BE HUUUGE!!!

So yeah.

That's gonna be it today.

I'll leave you with this:

--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Hated, Song/Week

What the fuck is up?

How the fuck was your family day weekend? Was it absolutely, intoxicatingly ambrosial as was mine?

Kicked things off Friday. After hastily finishing this blog, I high-tailed it up to MTV studios to meet Jessi Cruickshank for an interview that'll be part of some segment called "The Dirt". It's on gay celebrities and coming out in Hollywood etc etc etc...

As I had mentioned, I was freshly waxed and my chest was irritated as all get-out, so upon arriving there the first thing out of my mouth: "Is there a possibility I could visit makeup?"... to which I'm replied, "oh, you have flawless skin"... which, of course, is consummately true, but that's not the point... do you know who said this? None other than recently outed star of Degrassi, The Next Generation Adamo Ruggeiro. He was also lending his two-cents to this piece.

Anyballs... we chatted cattily for the better part of the half-hour on the topic of coming out in the entertainment industy - a topic that I have more than a few opinions about. One thing that drives me nuts - although people do it harmlessly when broaching this topic - is when someone brings up people like Rupert Everett, Ian McKellan and Elton John as out-gay celebrities... yeah, they're all A.) old as hell and ranging from barely to not-at-all relevant, and B.) BRITISH. The point that I ALWAYS make in this debate that always seems to blow people's minds is that the British thing cancels the gay thing out... I guess a gay dude is easier to stomach if he's got an accent or something that clearly marks him as foreign... I had said, name one out gay make celebrity on the North American mainstream entertainment landscape who's not A.) British, B.) A style guru, C.) Been outed against their will/'Came out' after they were established.

Yeah. Doesn't exist. Trust me. So I basically rode it out being as self-richeous as the constraints of time and matter would allow. It was a fabulous afternoon. = )

Following that, I busted tail down to the village to put up posters advertising the forthcoming installment of BITCH SALAD -

TWO WEEKS TODAY!!! TWO WEEKS TODAY!!! - And home to freshen up (read: re-powder my exposed irritated chest flesh) and jet off to some theatre at U of T to see my dear, dear friend Meredith Shaw in a production of "Cabaret".

She was playing the role of Freulin Schneider - who's the out-and-out matron of the show... the landlady who houses a motley crew of whores, cabaret performers, artists etc in her hostel or whatever... long story short, she falls in love with a Jewish dude named Herr Shultz, it's the rise of the Nazi's, their love becomes verboten, blah blah blah, everybody is killed/cleansed. Meredith handled her first hand at playing a matron with sheer grace and determination. It was awesome - but yeah. I forgot how much of a downer Cabaret is. It's really a story whose backdrop is the rise of the third reich. Not a feelgood piece.

Anyballs, following that, we hightailed it to the Drake where there was a Valentine's edition of Big Primpin'. FUN. Just two tonnes of fun, really. Lots of people there and better-than-usual music than I've come to expect with Primpin'. The real fun was yet to come - following lights on, Max Valliquette (Youthography dude, frequently seen as contributor on those "Listed" shows 'n stuff) pitched some after-festivites, and, since we couldn't find a cab that would take five of us (Me, Yerxa, Anth, Heidi, Marianne) and God forbid we split up into two to travel 10 or so blocks, we fucking walked. From Queen & Dufferin to Dundas & Bathurst. In the freezing mothafuckin' cold.

Along the way, I suppose it was our coping mechanism of sorts to invent our own language a-la the Smurfs.

We were subbing in the word "Bort" for random words - inspired by the nickname of our partner-in-shinanigans, Marianne "Bort" Bortolin. A sample snippet of conversation might have gone:

Yerxa: Guys! Just three more borts and then we'll get to Max's!
Anth: That's still a long way to bort!
Me: Heidi! You just stepped in bort!
Heidi: Oh BORT!

And so on. Anyway. We got there at like 3:30 or some shit, stayed there and got drunker until 5, I hopped in a cab, went home, did laundry, forced myself to stay awake long enough to put it in the dryer, went to bed sometime after 6 AM, got up at 11, stumbled to the train station in a drunken haze and somehow got my effin' train back to Brockville.

Whilst in Brockville I did absolutely nothing. It was the most glorious session of prolonged nothin'-doin' I've had in a coon's age. The one break in nothin'-doin' I took was to accompany my parents to my aunt and uncle's new house on the majestic St. Lawrence river for dinner. Whilst there, in and among the rando family chit-chat, somehow the topic of frosh week concerts came up, and who played at who's. Apparently, in the bad old days, the bookers of these frosh week concerts had A.) taste and B.) foresight...

You will never fucking believe this: At my mom's frosh week concert? THE TURTLES. As in "So Happy Together" fame. At my uncle's frosh week concert? IKE & TINA TURNER (and the Ikettes) At my father's frosh week concert? SIMON & MOTHAFUCKIN' GARFUNKEL. Yeah. And furthermore, I just asked my boss who was at hers... LED ZEPPELIN. Yeah.

RIDICULOUS. Of course, this was all sliiiightly before they all broke hugecore, but still.

That's bullshit. I don't remember who was at mine - I didn't go anyway. It was either Our Lady Peace or I Mother Earth or some other three-worded CanCon modern rock outfit. I remember at the time there were a bunch of rumours swirling around as to who it might be, so as to keep actual fans of whatever band it was from infiltrating the concert meant for Frosh. I remember I Mother Earth, Our Lady Peace and someone else - perhaps Moist - were rumoured to be playing it. For absolute kicks, I threw Gloria Estefan's name into the rumour mill and made DAMNED sure it was spread thick and thoroughly. To this day, if you ask anyone who graduated from Queen's, '04, the bands that were rumoured to be playing our Frosh Week concert, they'll tell you "It was either I Mother Earth, Our Lady Peace or Gloria Estefan". Fun.

Also fun?

BITCH I LOVE THIS WEEK

TINA FEY

Who: Legendary comedienne, standout cast-member and first ever female head-writer of Saturday Night Live-turned-Emmy, Golden Globe and SAG-award-winning sitcom star for her work as Liz Lemon on 30 Rock.
Why I Love Her This Week: Ummm, for basically every word or thought she's ever said, written or gestured in the history of her saying, writing and/or thinking things. What is not to love about her? She was the greatest anchor who e'er sat upon the Weekend Update throne and I don't care what you say. Her opus, Mean Girls, stands as one of the defining, iconic films of the present millienium. And she's absolutely beyond brilliant on 30 Rock... observe:

Yes. Soooo many reasons to love and worship Tina Fey. But I must admit that this particular love I'm giving her is a little pre-emptive... y'see... this coming Saturday - oh my God I can't even handle it - SHE'S HOSTING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!!! AHHHH!!! I can't even wait. It's going to be their first show back after the strike - so you already know that it's going to be good on account of all their pent-up creativity. Add to that already delicious gumbo, the fact that Tina Fey is fucking hosting and oh my God I just came in m'pants.

Another reason why she's sublime, listen to what she had to tell Howard Stern re: Paris Hilton's turn hosting SNL back in '02...

Oh my God. Brilliant. "Write a sketch about Jessica Simpson, she's fat". And my absolute favourite bit of info: they actually had a bet going that she wouldn't ask any of them a personal question a-la "How are you?" that they lost when she asked Seth Myers if Maya Rudolph was Italian. GENIUS.

BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK

[Puffy, Jealous, Present-Day] ARETHA FRANKLIN

Who: Enduring, legendary "Queen of Soul" who demanded "Respect" on the "Freeway of Love" no doubt breaking through a "Chain of Fools"... it goes on...
Why I Hate Her This Week: JEALOUS, MUCH? Backstory: Last week, at the Grammys, Beyonce and Tina Turner performed together, a medley of Tina's hits. It was all-too exciting. Tina Turner is just irrepressible. Before introducing Tina, Beyonce did this spoken-word-yet-lipsynched tribute to all the fine ladies of song who stood upon the Grammy stage before her, which culminating her introducing Tina Turner as "the queen".

Well, this got Aretha's size XXXXXL panties up in a bunch, let me tell ya. She released this statement to People.com:

"I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have
bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyoncé, however I dismissed it as a
cheap shot for controversy. In addition to that, I thank the Grammys and the
voting academy for my 20th Grammy and love to Beyoncé anyway."

Okay. It's one thing if you silently stew and someone catches wind of it. But to release a fucking statement without even being PROMPTED proclaiming you're a jealous bitch? Oh come on, ReRe. Bah... she was just jealous that Tina's the same age and light-years away from looking as busted as Aretha does.

That's it.

See you tomorrow,

When the phrase "Happy bit my vagina" will have new meaning,

--- Aj

Big Whoop! Who Gives A Bibble? Gabba-Gabba Hey!

Heyyyy muffins,

So, a few things:

A.) It seems that those American Idol Top 24 spoilers were 800% true. Someone's gettin' fired up in there. As a result it was actually welcomingly anticlimactic. That British-esque kid cried up a storm. Bahhh well. Bitch couldn't sing with a band - DEAL WITH IT. Neither did that kid with the tie and glasses who wanted to become governor of Oklahoma and just had "this seasons' Sanjaya" written all over him - and thank God he didn't. Good move on the producer's part.

I still feel pretty much the same as I did about each of them when I ran them down last blog, particularly about how strongly I feel about never letting 'rocker' Robbie Carrico live down his involvement with Boyz-N-Girls United. A few things have changed, however: I don't think that plus-sized model Joanne Borgella is that fierce anymore... she can't sing so good... That li'l elfin homo Danny Noriega has potential to grow on me, what with how blantantly faggy and pixie-like he is... That Colton Berry kid (pictured) is as bland as a digestive cookie but I'd hit him in a nanosecond... And it's very clear that some people hold VERY strong favour with the producers... among them, Amanda, Michael, Brooke, David and particularly, Carly... whoazers... they were pimping her out nuttily... which, because she's my favourite, I'm totally fine with...

As awesome as I think she is, I have some issue with her face. I was speaking with Yerxa last night about how there's something that's just not right about her... and SHAZAM we hit the nail on the head - her eyebrows!!!

She's got Divine Eye-brows!!!


Anyballs...

Also happening yesterday? Last Comic Standing auditions. I didn't go - I resolved not to unless I could get an audition, which didn't happen. And boy 'o boy am I glad I didn't go to the open call - from what I've heard through the grapevine/from little birds/back-fence whispers, if you didn't have an audition time, it was a complete waste of time.

Evidently people waited upwards to and including 6 hours to be herded into a room with 5 other comics, where you were then told to do a joke and they would then yay or nay you onto a stone-faced producer who would decide whether or not you came back and auditioned for the "celebrity" judges - Kid In The Hall Dave Foley (yawn... Bruce McCulloch however, well, that woulda been another story) and, um, 'character actor' Richard Kind.

Apparently some of the open callers were told to "go get a wacky costume then come back". Which is just SOOOOOOOO nuts. That actually blows my mind.

Anyballs - apparently 4 people made it to Hollywoodland. The Williamson Playboys (Paul Bates & Doug Morency... two old-school Second City dudes), Brian Lazanik (brilliant, brilliant absurdist one-liner dude who was told he was moving on to LA last year, but at the last minute his ticket was rebuffed for no apparent reason), Sean Cullen (Amazing. Fucking genius. I personally thought he'd be beyond something like this, but whatever) and Winston Spear (Another genius, genius guy). Canada is very well represented this year, so that's good.

I'm just happy that none of the Americans who came up thinking that Toronto would be an easy venue didn't get through. I was at Spirits the night before and two American dudes who were auditioning for Last Comic were on first and second, respectively. The first was this black dude who ran up and implored that the audience "MAKE SOME NOISE! MAKE SOME NOISE!"... I don't know if you've ever been up first at Spirits, but the chances of you getting the audience to "make some noise" are slim to nil.

He followed this up with some impressions. Yep. None of which were particularly effective. He got a guffaw out of me for his Bobby & Whitney impression, but only because I represent whenever Whitney is made mention of. It consisted of him putting a ratty wig on the microphone stand (Whitney) and talking shit to it (Bobby). He then used that wig throughout the duration of his incredibly forced and loud set.

The next American comic 'preppin' at Spirits for the big audtion' opened with "where my fellow Greek people at?" They weren't. Not a one. Despite this fact, he continued on with 5 minutes worth of very Greek-specific material before closing on a punny bit involving a bunch of Iraq-war buzz words... I can't remember what he said but it would be like talking about eggs and saying shit like "EGGceptional news for Egg l'oeufers... And I'm not yoke-ing"... shit like that... anyway... not great...

I did walk by Yuk Yuk's - where auditions were taking place at around quarter to six, and ran into a comic who's name completely escapes me who was really upset because he was too late to get in or something and was like "it's too late dude. We didn't make it". I informed him that I wasn't auditioning, but rather on m'way to get m'bidness waxed, as my waxing place was right next door.

So I did. Bidness. Waxed. The chick who waxed me was a lovely Indian woman named Maria. Apparently back in India, she was a dentist. Isn't that terrible? Like utterly terrible? Because of our fucking policy on immigrants and education, and trained dentist is instead waxing my effin' bidness. Ohhhh well, O Bla Di O Bla Da.

Anyway - apparently my skin isn't being cooperative right now and I'm red as all hell. And, because I'm a genius with all sorts of luck, AM WEARING A V-NECK SHIRT. And there's more - I'm off to shoot something called "The Dirt" on MTV Canada. Fuck. Anyway. I'm gonna go buy some cover-up and hope I can pass this redness and irritation off as "sun-kissed and freckled". We'll see...

In other news:

YAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAY!!!

That's right --- nearly two-weeks away!

This one is gonna be good, y'all. Look at that motherfucking lineup.

Jan & Stefanie are doing improv AS their characters from Mean Girls. Jan was the girl who eats her feelings and Stefanie was the one who had to use super-jumbo tampons because she had a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina. AMAZING.

Anyway - have a happy Family Day weekend for those of you in Toronto.

Catch ya on the flipside, yo.

--- Aj

Maaajor American Idol Spoilers... [Potentially]

Hey. How are ya? Really. Tremendous!

So... American Idol anyone? If you're like me, and clearly, you either are or aspire to, you've sustained what has seemed like millennia of audition episodes, featuring the requisite slew of intentionally unfunny posers and genuinely retarded people - be it socially or otherwise - and of course the rare smattering of actual talent.

Last night marked the first night of Hollywood week. Where all the 'gold ticket' winners are cruelly hacked down from hundreds to dozens. It's generally my favourite period of Idol, so imagine my disappointment to find out that this week is fucking IT! Just two episodes. Bah Humbug.

So, in spite of that, Imma full blown post the leaked Top 24 for y'all right now.

I got this from a dudes' blog who got it from another dudes' blog, so take it with a grain of salt 'er two. Buuuut if you'll notice, none of these people were cut last night and were all showcased as solid and promising... so we'll seeee...

First off, I'll spoil the boys, because I really couldn't care less about them. The only guy I remotely liked was that gay dude, Leo Marlowe. Mainly because he was i.) openly gay and ii.) not some mugging freak who cried on a moments notice. But noooo... God forbid the Idol producers actually put through three-dimensionalized a gay dude for once... anyballs... What it seems we're left with...

Again, MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD:

Click on their names to watch their audition...

Chikezie Eze - auditioned last year. Randy wasn't 'feeling him'. Sang a gender-revisionists version of Whitney Houston's "All The Man [Woman] That I Need". Meh. Another rotund black dude with a velvet-y voice. Been there. Done That. Bought The T-Shirt. Cut up said T-Shirt and used it as spunk rag. NEXT!

Colton Berry - Completely unexceptional 16-year old with pleasant voice. He'll be gone before you can say "AJ Tabaldo".

Danny Noriega - (Pictured) Rejected last season, now this season's resident questionably eye-brow'd 16-year-old fag who doesn't know it yet, so ergo, is acceptable to allow on TV. Danny - everyone from the game "The Legend of Zelda: A Link From The Past" called... they want their head back.

David Archuleta - Buttery-voiced, baby-faced crooner who suffered from vocal chord paralysis as a child... blah blah blah boo hoo... the first of many cases of debatably established contestants this season, David won Star Search when he was 12. The debate stands "Is that fair or not?" I don't see that being a problem.

David Cook - This season's resident 'rocker' who knocked the shit out of Bon Jovi''s "Livin' On A Prayer" in his initial audition, and fared nicely with Bryan Adam's "Everything I Do I Do It For You" on last night's episode. A little too cool for school, but probably the strongest guy of the bunch.

David Hernandez - Someone we didn't see until last night, to say that this muchacho belted out "Love The One Your With" with gusto would be the understatment of the year... or rather, la subestimación del año... Aaaand that's about enough appropriating Hispanics for one day.

Garrett Haley - Couldn't find zip on the bitch. Gonna hafta bet there's a reason why.

Jason Castro - Guess this is him, what with his myspace profile pic being him during an American Idol audition. He's got several clips of him playing up on the y'tube. Apparently he used to date Cheyenne Kimball. For that fact alone, I'm not a fan. Add on top his white-man dreads, and yeah, ew.

Jason Yeager - One one side of the coin, you have the 'debatably established' artists coming out this season... Exceptionally talented people who just haven't been able to 'hold onto their break'... then there are just washed up competent people who have put in face time all over the place but fail consistently... Jason seems to be of the latter set... Apparently was a finalist on "Making The Band" years ago, unfortunately not prevailing in getting into O-Town... I'll bet that still haunts him... then a finalist on some show called "Country Tonite"... according to his myspace, he's religious... yeah... I dunno what to tell ya...

Luke Menard - Another dude we've seen neither hyde nor hair of, apparently he's descendant of an acapella outfit entitled "Chapter 6". I can only hope on his official American Idol contestant page, he lists "Rock-A-Pella" from Carmen Sandiego as one of his musical influences.

Michael Lee Johns - Another debatably established contestant - he was once the lead singer of a band called "The Rising", who either were or were about to be signed by Madonna's "Maverick Records" - bitch is Australian and the judges have quite a boner for him. I don't get it myself, but whatever floats y'boat.

Robbie Carrico - Yet another debatably established contestant, Robbie is all rock 'n roll now... but he sure as balls WASN'T!!! Formely one quarter of a early millenial pop group entitled Boyz N Girlz United, (*cough*, yes) they opened for Britney Spears in Europe. And apparently, Britney opened for Robbie in Europe because the two were rumored to have been dating. Maybe she'll show up and support him if he cracks the Top 12. And if she's not dead by then.

So yeah... That's the dudes...

Pretty unremarkable if you ask me. Where the balls is Leo Marlowe??? And that gigantically fat black gay guy who sang "Big, Blonde & Beautiful" from Hairspray last night??? And as annoying and pompous and rough around the edges as he was, that Josiah Leming kid who sang with a British accent? That kid would have been HUGE! Ohhh well. Maybe he makes it and this list is a lie. Whatevs...

One things' for sure... if the Top 12 girls' spoiler list is correct, things could get very interesting... instead of just listing them off in alphabetical order, I'll instead rank them, because that's much more fun...

12.) Amy Davis

What the hell was that supposed to be? Singing? Really? "Vocal Potential"? Where? Yeah. Bitch makes last season's Hayley Scarnato look like Maria mothafuckin' Callas by comparison. Someone lucked out...

11.) Kristy Lee Cook

Pretty, I'll give her that. And doesn't entirely make me vomit with how girl-next-door/cabin she is because she's a cage-fighter, and I found that unexpected. But bitch please. Y'can't sing. You've heard of paint-by-numbers? Well her interpretation of Amazing Grace - which was aparently so stunning she had to bring it back during last night's Hollywood round - was like trill-by-numbers. It was the most textbook 'contemporary' interpretation of that song ever. Methinks she's in waaaay over her head.

10.) Alex Lushington

Maybe she's got range that's mind-blowing and we didn't see it, but other than her super-cool vibe, her Grandma who's been around since the 1800's and a last name that sounds like a pseudonym that a rock star would use to check into a hotel under, everything about Alex is entirely underwhelming.

9.) Alaina Whitaker

Strong voice. Too young. Classic case of a contestant that won't have the slightest clue what songs to pick other than ones she's seen on Idol before. Beyond that, she'll be directly competing with Brooke, who's a better singer and a natrual charisma, and Kristy-Lee, who's prettier and more representative of middle-American values.

8.) Ramielle Malubay

Big voiced little Asian chick. Me likey. She can certainly sing, there's no doubt about that. And Asians have been dramatically under-represented on Idol (William Hung notwithstanding). Again, I wonder about her depth to show people things they haven't seen yet. Very young and already hammering Idol standards to death. We'll see, though...

7.) Kady Malloy

Pretty. Kind of interesting. Theatrical. I'm just not sure where she fits in the grand scheme of things and can see her being forgotten about and slipping through the cracks early on.

6.) Joanne Borgella

LOVE her. Don't love her voice as much as I love her, but love her just the same. Finally, a sista with class. She'll have a lot to compete with in her 'category', with Syesha being younger, hotter and a better voice, and that Asiah and her whole back story of her father dying, but she could score a lucrative Lane Bryant campaign out of this, at least.

5.) Brooke White

This bitch is gonna be dangerous. I, personally, don't find too much exceptional about this chick, but she's connected - routinely winning every poll I see. And they really haven't seen someone of Brooke's style or skillset (a-la ethereal-yet-pop singer-songwriter). Not to mention that she's sacharine sweet. She'll be quite a force to be reckoned with comin' up.

4.) Asiah Epperson

Speaking of dangerous, talk about a back story with legs. If you don't know/didn't watch, what happened was Asiah's father died 2 - yes, TWO - day before she found herself standing in front of Randy, Simon and Paula. She decided to sing LeAnn Rimes' "How Do I Live" in tribute to him. Apparently, Asiah can really fucking sing - she's got a smokey voice that reminds me of Monica, only more robust. Yeah. I think she's a very sure bet for Top 10.

3.) Syesha Mercado

Whooooaaaaash. BITCH CAN SANG, Y'ALL!!! On top of that, SHE FIERCE!!! She's like Vonzell Solomon from Season 4 only bigger voice, more aggressive and insanely personable. I might even liken her to a young Whitney. It'd be a punishable crime if she didn't make the Top 5 at least.

2.) Amanda Overmyer

HELLS yes. I oft like to see when contestants compete on American Idol who are direct throwbacks/downright dopplegangers to other established artists. It's kind of like seeing how these established artists would fare in the Idol game. Amanda IS Melissa Etheridge. Holy fuck. The world has been waiting for this bitch. I can't wait to see how far she goes.

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) Carly Smithson

Yeah. Umm, she's good. Story about her: Do you at all remember Season 5? When the judges were doing press tours during the auditions and said that the best singer they saw all season - the best one they'd had yet - was this Irish girl who auditioned in Vegas? Then it turns out, she couldn't get her visa approved and couldn't compete? And evvvveryone wondered, "who the balls is this Irish girl"? Well, as it turns out, it's Carly. There's a bit more to this story... a few years ago, there was an artist named Carly Hennessy. She was poised to be the next Britney Spears... her record label, MCA, had reportedly spent 2.2 million dollars developing her. A single and video was released, "I'm Gonna Blow Your Mind". Well, she didn't. Bitch sold 400 albums. She was dropped. This entire debacle became a the topic of an article in the Wall Street Journal (a kind of heartbreaking read, actually). Yeah. This has become an issue. While she's currently mired in controversy, there is absolutely no debating the fact that BITCH. CAN. SANG. Anyballs - she's my favourite and I absolutely, unequivocally agree with the judges that she's one of the best they've ever had.

So that's [potentially] the Top 24.

I'm off. I'm doing Spirits tonight. It's supposed to be a good show.

Happy trails!!!

--- Aj