Soooo much to talk about...

Woo-howdy.

My head is spinning right now, there's so much to talk about.

So we'll get right down to it:

First things first:


Did y'see??? Did y'see???

Okay. Overall, rousing success in my eyes. Many, many laughs to be had. I thought Fred Armisen was actually outrageously effective as Barack Obama. Tina's monologue was hilarious - particularly when she said "I can do it!" as if she was i.) in an old-tymey movie and ii.) as a Spanish cartoon mouse. "What's That Bitch Talking About?" should actually be a game show. That hot-air balloon lady that Kristen Wiig played was amazing. And the last sketch - "Lady Business", a parody of Lipstick Jungle/Cashmere Mafia - Wow. "My name is Nan Goldblatt-Cooper. I suck small woodland animals out from underneath buildings with a giant vacuum, and, I'm the best." Or whatever it is she said. I've been cackling about that since. Wow.

Another sufficient highlight? This little call to arms that Tina made during weekend update:

Yes. Bitch is the new black. I can remember the gaggle of us watching it together actually applauded after that. It was one of those times where everything I think about an issue is so nicely summarized by one of the elder stateswomen of comedy - it's one of the most sublime feelings of satisfaction, I can't even tell you. It's how I felt everyday for the almost-year of the Rosie O'Donnell regime on The View.

A sufficient lowlight, however...

WTF?! Memo to Maya Rudolph: Please, PLEASE stop fuckin' with us. You best be back, bitch! Upon further, immediate research on this issue, it's been disclosed that a contract was never hammered out and she was sort of there on an episode-by-episode basis, however Lorne Michaels' claims that he'll be "calling her until she changes her phone number" in regards to wanting her back. So that's promising. However, not promising? THAT NEW CHICK. Boo-urns. Her name is Casey Wilson and she apparently comes from the Upright Citizens Brigade in LA. I don't know too much else about her other than that, but what I DO know is that she tries way to hard and doesn't do anything we haven't seen a million and a half times over. She like every other hammy, overeager, slightly-overweight chick I've ever seen get up on an improv stage/sketch troupe in the history of me seeing things. They are in trouble if she was as good as it gets. Four words: Julie Klausner and Jackie Clarke. DO IT! ADD THEM!

Second things second:

OSCARS OSCARS OSCARS!!!

So last night was the 80th annual (holy balls... that's a long time) Academy Awards. As per always, I attended a costumed fete chez Andrea Caswell to watch it with my nearest and dearest. Regrettably, I didn't upload the photos we took, so I'll need to post them later. Yerxa was Bleecker from Juno, Larissa was Juno, Caswell was DDL from There Will Be Blood, Heidi was (of course) Princess Giselle from Enchanted, Anth was Michael Clayton... the list goes on.

So red carpet. The stars came out. Boy did they ever... Stars like:

Katherine Heigl, who had apparently just come from playing a children's carnival-themed birthday party, because I don't know how the fuck else to explain the clown makeup...

The always constipated anus-face of Renee Zellweger. Seriously. What is going on with your face?

Brazenly dismissing the notion that black is slimming and white makes one look larger, Jennifer Hudson and her amazing distorted rack... Sidebar - did anyone see how discombobulated she was when reading the teleprompter? And how she pronounced Javier Bardem's name "Harvierre?" Hudson, Hudson, Hudson... love it...

The requisite "WHY THE FUCK IS SHE THERE?!?!" star of the night, Hannah Montana herself, Miley Cyrus. Seriously? Why the fuck? That makes ABSOLUTELY no sense...

Eventual Oscar winner Tilda Swinton and her entourage of fellow Androids, Humanoids, Robots, Cyborgs, Drones and other freaky-as-hell artificial beings. HOLY FUCK, SHE IS SOOOO CREEPY!!! Lordy lordy...

And of course, not party would be complete without the radiant Jennifer Garner...

It was duly noted at our party that the producers of the telecast had a massive boner for Jennifer Garner. It seemed like everything that happened, we needed to consult Jennifer Garner and see what she thought of it. Coupled with the fact that her very irksome Neutrogena commercials aired every break, it was a bit of a JG overload.

Someone who couldn't possibly get a JG overload, however? Gary Busey-

Talk about awkward. Well, fuck, what else do you expect from Gary "Juicy" Busey? If you said anything a shade above that or higher, well, my friend, y'out y'mind.

The ceremonies themselves were fine. The order in which the awards were presented was a little fucked. It seemed like forever and a year before they got to the acting awards - the first (and really, only) upset of the night - in which Best Supporting Actress went to Tilda "Tron" Swinton and NOT Ruby Dee. Poo.

Other than that, things pretty much went to plan... Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood (he abandoned his child. he abandoned his child. he abandoned his boy... oh! there he is. nevermind)... "Harvierre" Bardem and his smokingly hot 800-year old Spanish mami for No Country... The extremely expressive Coen Brothers for everything they were possibly nominated for... Ratatatataouille for Best-anything-to-do-with-Animated-anything... Diablo Cody (pictured to the left, to the left) for Juno, her very first screenplay - resulting in a very moving little speech that culminated in her errupting into tears after thanking her family for "accepting her just the way [she is]"... those two sickeningly in-love Irish kids for that song from Home... the only other surprise of the night was Marion Cottilard besting Julie Christine for top honours in the Best Actress category for her riveting turn as Edith Piaf in "La Vie En Rose"... I haven't seen it yet, but after that acceptance speech, you best believe I will... shoot...

How fucking adorable was she?! Two pieces of trivia: A.) She's the first bitch since Sophia Loren (and only other bitch, besides Sophie L) to win the Oscar for a non-English film in 40 YEARS, and B.) Bitch totally wasn't rewarded on her native soil... she didn't win the French Oscar - of, FROSCAR. Well, well, well. SUCK IT, FRANCE!

It wasn't all roses and baguettes, though. What the fuck was up with that military thing? Where they had those soldiers read the nominees for some documentary category. Notice how not into that everyone was? I thought that was incredibly patronizing and just inappropriate. Do Oscars really need to pander to middle America like that? Isn't having fucking Miley Cyrus there enough? Good grief...

Another lowlight:

Sorry Amy, sorry Kirstie Chen-O. Love ya normally, but everything about the "Enchanted" numbers was underwhelming, perplexing and embarassing. What the balls was with Amy Adams singing that happy working son with nary a rodent friend in sight? It wasn't like she was singing a stand alone pop hit... she kinda looked like a retard just singing that song straight... and that's heartbreaking. And Kirsten Chenowith? What the balls? I don't even know... after that elderly kick-line, I was lost for good...

Anyballs... that was the 'scars. See ya next year, same time, same place.

Third things third:

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

TIE!

i.) LEILANI BILLARD

Who: Former child star most memorable as Elizabeth "Busy" Ramone from the smash hit iconic legendary zeigeist-y series "Ready Or Not" that ran from 1993-1997, most recently seen i.) as the number 1 slot on my countdown of Sister/Daughter/Ingenue's from 1990's sitcoms who have done little-to-nothing with their career as an actress and ii.) as an openly lesbian reiki practioner on her open facebook page.
Why I Loved Her: So many reasons: a.) she was Busy from "Ready Or Not", b.) as Busy, she was Canada's 'Darlene' from Roseanne, only with more emotional girth, c.) she's now an energy healer and a lesbo, and evaded a life of meth and porn unlike SOME PEOPLE (*cough* Jaimee Foxworth *cough*), d.) I'm fairly positive that her name Lani is short for Leilani, which is the greatest name in the world.

and, ii.) DIABLO CODY

Who: Oscar-winning Minnesotan stripper-cum-screenwriter/bloggist and helmer of Juno.
Why I Loved Her: A.) Her dialogue is too punchy for its own good, B.) She glamorized teen pregnancy to the point of no return, C.) She mixes trashiness and classiness in ways that Jessica Simpson can't even begin to imagine, D.) She bared her tats at the Oscars, E.) She WON an Oscar for her first screenplay, F.) Her acceptance speech was legendary and G.) Her name is funny.

BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK

ANOTHER TIE!

i.) CHOLA CUCHIMUNCHO

Who: [*not her actual name. Actual name remains unknown. But Chola CuchiMuncho will do nicely] Hysterical Hispanic dog owner who's systematically trained her out-of-control pup "Happy" to chomp on anyone and everyone's genitals.
Why I Hated Her: Because her dog bites people's "baginas" and "penitheth" mirroring her hysterical behavior is why! That, and I like kicking people when they're down. And this bitch is clearly down.

and ii.) THE MILLIONAIRE LIFE BITCH

Who: Spokeswhore for the Ontario Gaming Commission's "Millionaire For Life" sweepstakes. Beyond that, I'd have to imagine she's some Ontario Gaming Commission executive's niece or trailer-park mistress or someone who performs freakish sexual favours for some higher up because I don't understand how someone who looks like that was allowed access in front of a camera.
Why I Hated Her: Hi. What the fuck is wrong with your hair. Is it supposed to look like that on purpose? Holy fuck.

Fourth things fourth:

1 WEEK AWAY!!!

That's right. COME! You better. For real.

I'll drink your milkshake,

Drink right up,

--- Aj