Haute-ish Topics

Well folks,

It's official...

After last night, we have a clear front runner to win American Idol...

AMY DAVIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Amy Davis is electrifying. Amy Davis opens her mouth, and the world stands still. Children stop crying. War ceases. The poor become rich. The hungry, fed. The buttefly population easily triples as a testament to the consummate beauty she exudes. Amy Davis' vocal power knows no bounds. None whatsoever. If she exerted her voice at only half-power, it could devastate an entire continent. At full belt - well, that would surely signal the Rapture. BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER OF AMY DAVIS, AS PER SEEN LAST NIGHT:

So yeah. Of course I'm kidding. This bitch sucks balls. And not just two of them. But NINE sets of 2, and one set of 3. She has absolutely no business being there at all. NONE. I was actually nervously laughing out loud at her when she sang, it was so mortifying. It was like watching a retarded parapalegic person being thrown down a bottomless ravene blindfolded - it was just utterly, utterly hopeless.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

So here's my sort of precis about the boys: David Hernandez... Went first. Unexceptional. Definitely lost some of his lustre. The only thing that will save him is that there were guys who did FAR worse and less memorable (yes, that's possible) than him... Chekezie... wowzers, he lost some weight. I mean, he had some to spare, but good for him. Vocally, meh. He kind of looks like Forrest Whittaker. Maybe if there's a movie night, he could sing "Kiss From A Rose" and dress up like Forrest in his Oscar-winning turn as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland... just a suggestion... David Cook... is kind of a smug bastard who screamed a lot. He reminds me of this dude who worked in a jazz shop that I needed to go in for my boss one time... I went in there and was like "do you have any records by Oscar Gugetta [or whatever his name was... some obscure jazz man that I've never heard of and doubt you have either]" and the guy sighs and says "yes" as-if to say "of course we do, retard" and I paused for a second, looked at him like "are you fucking serious" and said to him very sarcastically, "You lead a very rich life, my friend"... ANYWAY - he reminds me of him... he seems like a douchebag... I don't like him... Jason Yaeger... I can't really remember him... he sang "Moon River", did he not? He's doughy, dicky AND a crier... what's not to hate...

Robbie Carrico did fess up to the fact that he was in a boygirl group in the early 90's, yes... but he failed to mention that they were BOYZ-N-GIRLZ UNITED... I will not rest until he says their fucking name! Anyway... we get it, you want us to view you as a rocker... it's not gonna happen... you're gonna be pulling bingo numbers with Constantine Maroulis in 6 months time... David Archuleta is the out-and-out frontrunner as of right now... he makes me sick, but people seem to like him... sure... I thought his voice really struggled with some of that and have to imagine that his weaknesses will become more and more obvious in coming weeks, but he'll be around for a while... maybe even long enough for him to grow pubes... Danny Noriega looked frumpy. And what the balls was with choosing "Jailhouse Rock"? He should have done Lesley Gore's "You Don't Own Me" and called it a day. I did enjoy his sassy bobblehead when he rebutted to Simon, though... he's quite a card... Luke Menard is an assfucking unuch... for sho... that is just a criminally high voice... and despite this, it was abysmally unmemorable... Colton Berry is still kind of adorable, sorry. Ugh, I can't believe I find Colton Berry attractive. Suffice to say, this a low point in my existence. But whatevs... he's theatrical, yes, but he's a stronger singer than all the other tweenage himbros up in there... Garret Haley needs to be stopped... seriously... he needs to be destroyed and everything that ever contributed to his existence needs to be eliminated. Holy fuck. I felt similarly watching him as I did with Amy Davis. Retard. Parapalegic. Blindfolded. Hurled down a ravene. Oy... Jason Castro was such a pleasant surprise. I really, really like this dude. And really, really liked him doing "What A Day For A Daydream". He's very current, very now. I can't see him lasting, though. He still suffers from extreme lack of previous screen time and something tells me he'll have some serious trouble tackling the broader themes... Michael Johns is a fraction of what he's cracked up to be. The judges hail him as being the next Michael Hutchence, when in reality he's the next Rick Astley. Which is still sort of awesome in its own right, but not really. I really don't find him more than a shade above competent.

Meanwhile...

Kristy-Lee Cook... barf. Barf. Barf. Barf. Sang "Rescue Me" when she should have stayed in her comfort zone and sang "Rose Garden" or something instead. Apparently she's suffering from bronchittus. Apparently bronchittus makes you blow moose cock. She's not good, y'all. The only thing that would save her now would be a leaked sex tape... Joanne Borgella just doesn't have the goods... her Redwood-thick frame produces a reed-thin voice, and it's not pretty to listen to... she's clearly out of depth in this competition... all I can think of when I see her is A.) how much she looks like a business-casualized Frenchie Davis and B.) how awesome a singer Frenchie is/was, and how not awesome Joanne is... Alaina Whitaker looks like someone but I have no idea who... it's not Carrie Underwood... I think it might be Madonna, what with the gap in her teeth... she's definitely got a voice, I'll give her that. I wouldn't laud her to generously yet, though... she's still a dime a dozen in this crowd... Amanda Overmyer could have been SO much more awesome than she was... what the fuck? Scatting? I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. And she looks really unsure on stage. She's desperately afraid of the camera. Desperately. That said, she's still awesome and I hope she gets comfortable FAST...

Amy Davis, of course, is the most earth-shatteringly amazing talent that's e'er graced this earth for reasons I've already delved into... Brooke White is just not good. She might be if she embraced her limitations and stuck to that Carole King-esque shit she does, but she's not... she's trying to belt and flex vocal muscles that she simply doesn't have - what the fuck was up with that ending on "So Happy Together"? "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-BAAAAAAAH!"... yeah, unnecessary... Alexandrea Lushington was the surprise of the night, hands down. Fucking LOVED everything she did. She is oh-so current and just fantastic. Thank God for her and Jason. PLEASE may they stick around... Kady Malloy... I actually agreed with everything the judges said... she's more herself - ie what makes her stand out - when she immitates other people than what she's currently projecting... because what she's projecting is a big pile of baby poo... Her days are numbered... specifically, 1... Asia'H Epperson is hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. She slides into notes, and that kinda makes her sound like she's deaf, but I still totally dig it. She reminds me of Faith Evans. I think she'll be around for a bit... Ramiele Malubay is adorable as the extensive collection of Hello Kitty merchandise I assume she has, but is a good-old fashioned karaoke singer and it begins and ends there... Syesha Mercado has clearly got an attitude, and it's not a good one. "They keep us away from the sick ones"? Hmmm... I didn't find her performance or vibe all that amazing... she's still very precocious and I'm starting to find myself somewhat rooting for the rug to be pulled out from under her... if only they could put her voice in Alexandrea, Alexyshandrea would be unstoppable... And lastly, Carly Smithson needs to stop blatantly crossing paths with black cats. Because I don't know how else to explain bitches luck. She too, had bronchittus. I couldn't tell until she coughed a-la "Look! I'm sick!!! Really!!!"... it was the same thing ya do when ya call in sick for work... anyway, didn't know the song, thought it kinda sucked, but still love her. Her upper range is to die for.

Going home:
Boys - This is a toss up. There are so many it could be. 6, actually. Danny H, Chikezie, Jason Y, Luke or Garret. My knee-jerk reaction was that Luke Menard and Garret Haley gave the most unmemorable and alienating performances, respectively, so that's who I'll go with.

Girls - Easy as pie. Joanne Borgella is headed back to Lane Bryant and, because the public will surely fear her power and talent rather than embrace it (or, because she sucks Moray-Eel ass), Amy Davis.

We'll see...

We shall see...

--- Aj