Ahhh Wednesday...

A day when we pay ode to its namesake, the 7th century Anglo Saxon god Woden.

I know that's how I spend each and every Wednes-or, rather, Wodensday... I assume you follow suit...

Yeah. No. Can you believe that shit, though? I always wondered what Wednesday's deal was... and that's it. It's named after a gnome-like god from middle earth. So there you have it.

Glurg. So the TIFF rages on... According to Rex Reed, it's been so bad it's downright assailable... apparently it used to be something quite snazzy... where "fans and critics and movie moguls all stayed in the Sutton Place Hotel and turned the Bistro 990 across the street into their local commissary, trading anecdotes with John Cassevetes and hanging out with Clint Eastwood"... now it's plagued by "gridlock & greed"... it's quite a scathing read, actually...

I typically like to finagle myself into at least one party per year, and passed up perhaps my only chance of going to this Italian cinema affair last night in lieu of cleaning. Well, it wasn't just because I had to clean my apartment... it was also because this party was held on a boat. I don't do boats. You can't leave boats.

So it looks like I'm just going to have to fraudulently assume the identity of a random celebrities' handler and request tickets to the closing night gala on their behalf like I did nigh on 3 years ago... for realz: at the time I was working for a publicist who was working on a movie starring - and I use the term "starring" so loosely a blue whale could swim through it - Stephen Baldwin, and apparently he'd be in town for it and wanted to go. So my boss told me to call the festival office and request four tickets to the closing night gala and the party. She said that it would be a hassle and she'd likely have to handle it herself, but I should try.

So I did. I called them up and said, "Hi, I'm calling from [the virtually unknown company I formerly worked for] and we're representing [The random piece of shit movie he was in] starring Stephen Baldwin. Mr. Baldwin will be in town this coming Saturday and wishes to come to the gala and the closing night ceremony."

...

TIFF chick on other line: "K. How many tickets do you need?"

Just. That. Easy. I got him 4 and arranged to have them picked up under my name. I went, snatched them and that was that. Now, initially they really were, in fact, for Stephen Baldwin, then he backed out and I got them instead. But yeah. I'll plan on doing that this year as well. So huzzah.

In other news:

Elizabeth Hasselbeck continues to be a collossal mongoloid:

Oh no she di'in't!

Sooooooooooooo many things are wrong about this. First off: I'm the only thing Michelle Obama didn't want to discuss was the dead horse that is Barack Obama's ties to Reverend Jeremiah Wright that Elizabeth has beaten to dust, and the only reason Michelle didn't want to discuss it is because it would have saved her from bitch slapping Elizabeth had she brought it up! Michelle Obama means business! Secondly: Cindy McCain has nothing to hide because she has nothing to show... bitch is dumb as a box of hair... she's like a dumber, sexagenarian version of Holly Madison. Thirdly: I don't know if you watch The View, and even if you do, I don't know if you saw Elizabeth's recap from the RNC, but it showed her interviewing other Republican celebrities in attendance... among the big names: Jon Voight and Stephen Baldwin. See... it all comes back to Stephen Baldwin.

I haven't seen The View yet today, but I wonder if they addressed this little jab.

In other, other news:

In her teenage years Angelina Jolie:

a.) was still sexy...

b.) had an affinity for polka dots...

c.) hadn't yet mastered 'finding the light'....

If THESE photos are an indication...


In other, other, other news:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! BABIES WEARING HIGH-HEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Until tomorrow,

--- Aj

The Not-So-Secret Life of Bee's Knees...

And it's official. I've lost whatever panache I was once had for making up titles. Holy balls, that was dreadful.

So hey. Sorry for my absence yesterday, but I was so bowled over from this weekend that I needed a day to just stare at the wall and readjust. Or whatever.

This past weekend was absolute hilarity-ness. Friday, 6PM - saw me and two compatriots who'll go nameless as per their request venture down to Roy Thomson Hall right here in Toronto to do something we'd surely never done before and even surer still will never do again - stalk the red carpet.

And why? Because encroaching our fair city this weekend? One Miss Jennifer K. Hudson is who.

In town to premiere her latest acting endeavour, The Secret Life of Bees - a movie based a book that tells the tale of racial dynamics betwixt blacks and whites (and bees) set against the backdrop of tumultuous 60's North Carolina (primarily beehives therein)... or something...

Anyballs - we got there at like 5:15 and about 8-10 minutes later it set in... "I can't believe we're doing this" - and wanted to leave. Then I convinced them that "y'all... this is the only time that we're going to get to see J Hud in this capacity. After this, the Oscar buzz will have worn off and she'll be relegated to films starring Martin Lawrence... so the least we can do is witness this". So we stayed.

At around 5:45 the first car pulled up and it was none other than the progressively maturing Dakota Fanning. She bolted over to the unwashed masses, smile a'glowing, and signed many an autograph and took many a photo op. When she passed by us in ear shot, I asked her who her celebrity crush was, and then followed up as to whether or not it was Charlie Rose - an obvious reference to The Dakota Fanning Show, which I assume is chastely true to life.

Next to arrive was songstress and co-star Alicia Keys, who also made sufficient rounds with the peanut gallery. Let me tell ya - from my estimation, the Proactiv is working. You go, girl.

Next up HAD to be Hudson... COME ON! But no... t'was Queen Latifah... who looks considerably smaller than I thought she'd be... but I have to reason that's just because she's usually the requisite 'large & in charge sistah'... Anyballs, she also punched the plebeian clock, and again, drifted dangerously close to my brood of destructively ironic homos who were heard to have yelled at her: "We loved you on Fresh Prince!" Yeah. This was met by a roll of her royal eyes.

So it's nearly show time and no Hudson to be seen anywhere, which made got me su-huuuper pissed because the only reason I dared intermingle myself with these bonafide gawkers was to ask her what her favourite movie was, what her favourite part of that movie was, and what she thought of that part - all of which she detailed in her B-Roll interview from movie night in Season 3 of American Idol:

Yeah. It's a thing in my act. I just wanted it on camera. Anyballs - she finally shows, scooting out of a car parked way the balls up from where we were, works the crowd very momentarily before being whisked through the press lineup. My cries of "JENNIFER!!! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE?!?! IS IT SISTER ACT 2?!?! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PART OF THAT MOVIE?!?! IS IT 'DA PART WHEN WHOOPI GETS GLUED TO 'DA CHAIR?!?! WAS IT HIL-A-RIOUS?!?!?" went largely unanswered.

Anyballs - I got the whole thing on tape, so I'll edit that shit together and post it here and it'll be hilarious.

So that was item worth discussing # 1...

#2.) VMA tyme.

Since the late 80's, I have ne'er missed an installment of the MTV Video Music Awards. I think they're the most zeitgeist-y thing out there. I love taking - and studying - a snapshot of pop culture at any given time and this Awards show often provides the Polaroid. [Sidebar: Did you know that the very first MTV VMA's were hosted by Dan Ayckroyd and Better Midler??? Yes. The show where Madonna historically writhed around on the floor singing "Like A Virgin" was presided over by Dan Ayckroyd and Bette Midler.]

Well, whatever suspicions anyone had that Ayckroyd and Midler would return as respective host and hostess of this year's 25th anniversary (read: no one had those suspicious. NO ONE) were quashed when British funnyman Russell Brand took the stage after a hopelessly anti-climactic opening 'skit' featuring Britney Spears.

K... Russell Brand... one word: LIMEY. If that's the pinnacle of brilliance insofar as the UK's standup scene, then I don't know what. I thought it was limp. I thought he might be trying to do things that he thought would appeal to an American audience, but it just looked like he didn't understand the language he was speaking - kinda like the odd time an older road-comic goes on Video On Trial and tries to speak in youth lingo and make pop-cultural comments... - so very, very sad.

Anyballs... other things of note:

- Britney Spears finally won... three awards at that, including the top prize, Video of the Year for the thoroughly unexceptional "Piece of Me". They might as well have named it the "Most Famous Person Actually In Attendance Gets This" award... anyballs - it's so, SO crazy to see her back in her robotic, guarded mode... "I'm speechless. I'd like to thank God and my two beautiful little boys, and of course, m'fans. Thanks, y'all!" Yeah, uh Britney... we've seen you attack a car with an umbrella whilst raving in a faux-British accent, not to mention your squalid pussy too many times to count. The jig is up. Please stop acting like you're this untouchable pop star anymore. Thanks. Love - Aj.

- Two things about Rihanna that are disproportionate to her natural composition: i.) her thighs and ii.) her fame.

- Although I'm as big a fan of Christina "X-Tina" Aguilera, I think it was perhaps a tad too early for a career highlights montage recapping all her previous looks from her video catalogue before she performed. Like, Madonna could do that. Janet could do that. Mariah could do that (although it wouldn't look that different). But with all of three albums to her name, I thought X-Tina might have been a little off her rocker...

- Speaking of rockers, how refreshing to see someone actually fucking sing - so thank you, Pink. You're very underrated.

- These fellows named the Jonas Brothers seem to be pretty big with the kids nowadays. They also wear promise rings - a concept that is fucking creepy. The premise of these rings is that kids are given these things by their parents when they're pre-teens, and it's supposed to represent a 'promise to themselves' (read: promise to their parents, Jesus and the Republican party) that they'll maintain their virginity, only to come off once a wedding ring goes on. It all sounds like glorious bullshit to me. After much prodding about this fact by host Russell Brand (his running gag of the evening... falling flat more often than not), linebacker Jordin Sparks - sporting arms boasting the circumference of red woods (THEMZ SOME FAT ARMS, DANG!!!) - decided to take a stand against this:

Yeah. Because if you don't wear a promise ring, you're a slut. That's all there is to it - no grey area whatsoever. Thank Christ Jordin Sparks had the courage to finally say it.

- Miley Cyrus' gets more annoying by the second. And savour these days, bitch - because you'll soon go the way of Ashlee Simpson, who might as well have won a contest in order to appear at the awards as far as the audience was concerned, judging by her cold reception (or, rather, non-reception). Seriously - even when Pete Wentz signed off saying "I'm Pete Wentz, that's my wife Ashlee, and that's my baby" he had to prod the audience for a fucking response. I don't know if you remember, but four years ago, Ashlee Simpson was the shit in terms of teen pop stardom. And she couldn't be more irrelevant now. The shelf-life of a teen pop queen is fleeting, is what I'm saying...

- Proving that 2008 truly is shaping up to be the year of the tranny, the Best New Artist category witnessed a shocking upset when German alt-rockers Tokio Hotel snagged the trophy over modern-day Punky Brewsterite Miley Cyrus, glorified jailbait Taylor Swift, virgin shotputter Jordin Sparks and kooky flavour of the moment Katy Perry. It's especially surprising given the fact that the award was voted on by the fans... and, y'know, Jordin Sparks is famous solely because people voted for her... hmmm... anyballs - GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO trannys!!!

So yeah. That was that.

Kinda sucked balls. But I'll totally watch it again next year.

Anyballs - I'm off.

Smell ya later,

--- Aj

Give me a 9... Give me an 0... Give me a 2...

Hey HEY Hey.

I hope you understood how the inflection of that was supposed to go, because t'was supposed to be sassy.

So whoop-dee-whoop it's September, traditionally, when new shows premiere and all that junk.

Every year, I give two new shows a chance. This year, my bets are/were hedged on:

A.) Hole In The Wall - Yep. It's exactly what it says. Contestants stand on a big foam platform, a wall comes at them with a predetermined shape cut out that the contestant needs to try and assimilate their body to, or else they're dunked in lava.

Or something like that. To the surprise of no one, it's inspired by a Japanese Game Show of roughly the same name, although I'd have to bet the words "Super" and "Happy" and
"Fun" are also somewhere in the Japanese title.

Anyballs... I'm mainly watching it to see this one contestant who was featured on the promos - a hefty, hefty black lady, who, as soon as she saw the hole she'd have to fit through (one far smaller and more contorted than she could ever hope to fit through), exclaimed, "Dayumn Dayumn Dayumn!!!" AMAZING!

So that's one...

2.) The NEW 90210

Yep. Saw it last night. Meh.

The main reason that I watched it was because I was a super fan of it back in the early 90's, and hastily discontinued my watching it as soon as Shannen Doherty departed, thinking it was donesville. Well I was wrong about that. It lasted for quite some time after that, boasting future double Oscar-winner Hilary Swank, to boot. But it was never the same without ShanDoh...

Anyballs, last night, lured like a moth to a flame by the return of Shannen Doherty to Beverly Hills High like so, so many others, I tuned in.

The premise: Rob Estes (who's inching towards busted, sorry to say) and Lori Laughlin (who I don't think has ever NOT played a MILF in her entire career) are moving their daughter Annie (played by Torontonian Shenae Grimes... who we can only assume is directly related to prominent travel correspondent Judy Grimes... ) and their adopted black son Dixon (who played some dude named Tristan somethingorother who was on The Wire and will also be starring alongside Dakota Fanning and Jennifer Hudson in The Secret Life of Bees, premiering RIGHT HERE at the Toronto Film Festival!) migrate from Kansas City to Beverly Hills to live with their grandmother, played by Jessica "Lucille Bluth" Walters - a boozing, cougar-esque former film star.

So yes, once again, it's bumbling country mice venturing into the glamorous and treacherous big city. Drama and life lessons ensue.

The show seems very focused on Annie... who I guess would be the "Brenda" of this go around. And thus far her trek seems very akin to Lindsay "Cady Herron" Lohan from Mean Girls. She arrives at the school, and one of the first people she meets is arty weirdo Silver (a-la Janis in Mean Girls) who she eventually ditches for queen bee Naomi (a-la Regina in Mean Girls) and wouldn't you know it... arty weirdo Silver and queen bee Naomi used to be best friends in a past life but had a huge falling out and both have axes to grind... blah blah blah SO MEAN GIRLS!!!

Anyballs... some thoroughly ridiculous shit happens... Naomi has a 'not-so-sweet 16 party'... which is preposterous, as the actress who plays Naomi - AnnaLynne McCord - isn't in any remote realm light years away from being able to play 15... for real, the bitch looks older than Jessica Walter... and Jessica Walter is playing a Nana, y'all...

Also, at one point, Annie goes on a date with some outrageously dreamy guy who's in the school musical with her named - predictably - Ty... on a private plane... to San Francisco. Yes.

Then when Lori "Aunt Becky" Loughlin busts her on it, she's like "Mom! That's what kids here do! They go to San Fracisco on private planes!" Awful. Awful awful awful.

And anutha thang - since when did kids get computers attached to their desks?!?! Maybe that's just a Bev Hills thing BUT STILL.

Anyballs... Time has been kind to Jennifer "Kelly Taylor" Garth - she looks great. She's now a guidance councillor at Bev Hills High, after the fashion industry proved too superficial for her - a situation that many have found themselves in, no doubt. She's totally going to bounce on top one of the teachers, if he doesn't bounce on top of the actress bitch who's addicted to pills first.

Speaking of actress bitches who are/were addicted to pills, I'm not going to pretend that I didn't involuntarily squeal with delight when Brenda appeared. I felt things come full circle, and now I have my peace with 90210. Because I'm sure as balls not watching that swill again.

Anyballs... tonight - THERE'S A TRANNY ON 90210!!!!!!!

TEAM ISIS!!!

Until tomorrow,

--- Aj

Remember when I used to blog?

So hey.

Long time.

I know.

Y'see, proving that birds of a feather really do flock together, much like Rosie O'Donnell - I decided to take the month of August off from the blog. Unlike Rosie, I failed to mention that I was... so to anyone who thought that I was dead, I'm very sorry. Because I'm SO not dead. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact... but anyballs...

Hope your August was cool. Mine was alright. Just spent time relishing the dog days of summer, mostly - of course, relishing the dog days of summer Andrew Johnston-stylez, means spending little-if-no time lapping up rays of the smiling August sun NOR does it include using the polarizing condiment relish... so I guess it's not really relishing at all... but still... it was nice.

Anyballs, just as the kids have gone back to school today, as have I to this blog. So I'm back. Full force - FULL FORCE!

WHAT a month it's been in the news, huh? Like big, Big, BIG shit hit the fan over the month of August '08. So, as a semi-triumphant return to blogging of sorts, I thought I'd tidily round up the biggest and baddest news stories that made the headlines in August...

1.) SLUMBERING DUDE BEHEADED ON GREYHOUND BUS!!!

Wooo-howdy this one was a doozy. How explosively did everyone crap their pants when they read this one?

The long and short of it: At approximately 8:30 PM Central time just West of Winnipeg, an unassuming 22-year-old carnival worker by the name of Tim McLean was unexpectedly and gruesomely attacked by a previously though-to-be unassuming 40-year-old newspaper delivery person by the name of Vince Weiguang Li.

According to reports, all was silent on the western front until - out of nowhere - this stocky Asian man (Weiguang Li) very purposefully got up and started hacking the dormant McLean with a butcher knife, completely oblivious to the panicking passengers around him - all of which managed to evacuate the bus. Sometimethereafter, Weiguang Li tried to exit the bus, McLean's severed head in hand, but the passengers - who had somehow managed to grow a pair by this point - barricaded him in the bus, threatening him with hammers and wrenches on loan from a passing tow truck they'd flagged down.

By the time that authorities arrived, Weiguang Li was madly pacing up and down the aisle of the bus, saying that he "would have to stay on the bus forever". Obviously that didn't happen, and the crazy bitch was arrested with very little protest.

Appearing in court the day after (pictured), he kept his head bowed, saying nothing, and only nodding ever-so-slightly when the judge asked him if he this was because he was retaining his right to silence. The only time he does go on record saying something is his next court appearance, when he utters "please kill me".

Here's what we know:

- Tim McLean was a hockey trophy-case short of being the quintessential all-Canadian boy next door, which made his passing that much more tragic and that much more newsworthy on the international landscape. For realsies, I think half the reports I read about this dealt with the incident and the other half dealt with the fact that something that happened in Canada was making international news. Ha-cha-cha.

- Vince Weiguang Li had no previous record of violence or mental illness prior to this... but he sure as balls does now. Apparently he was just a very quiet-if-unfriendly solitary immigrant dude who delivered papers and stocked shelves at Walmart or some junk. There's been some talk about him going missing for a few days before this happened, even spending some time in a mental health facility. Anyballs - he's now officially been classified as a paranoid schizophrenic... which means that he'd constantly hear voices in his head that would dictate things for him to do or threaten him... a lot of the time, this manifests itself violently, and more often than not, in suicide, because the affected can't handle the constant inner-torment... and, from what I've been hearing in the mental health community (because I totally hang out in those circles, motherfuckers... read: my mom's a psychiatric nurse and she told me this), that's what's likely to happen to him. Anyballs - his next court date is scheduled for September 8th.

- All sorts of security measures have been proposed to ensure this doesn't happen again - everything from Greyhound barring carry-on luggage to knife registry. YES, KNIFE REGISTRY. Okay... not to belittle this gruesome, gruesome incident and by no means to be insensitive to the deceased... but I think more people are killed by falling asteroids than beheaded on buses. I think this is a bit of an exceptional circumstance. That said, I'm sure as balls not travelling by bus anytime soon, so I guess I'm just a big fat hypocrite. Que Sera Sera.

2.) CHINA SHUNS ITS SNAGGLE-TOOTHED DAUGHTERS!!!

... As if feet binding wasn't enough? Gah.

So, the Olympics came, and the Olympics went. Butterface'd swimmers won medals and journalists protesting China's treatment of Tibet went mysteriously missing.

But the MOST buzz-worthy event to come from Beijing '08, at least in my eyes? That Milli Vanilli fiasco from the opening ceremonies.

The long & short of it: There was a nation-wide search in China (talk about looking for a needle in a hay-stack! Zing.) to look for a girl with a perfect voice to sing a freshly-penned song entitled "Hymn to the Motherland" (which kinda sounds like the title of a Nazi anthem in its blinding grandeur, but whatever) when they finally scrounged up the golden pipes of Yang Peiyi (pictured, right). Rehearsals were going swimmingly until the political powers that be got their panties in a bunch over her rather unpretty snaggle teeth, and at the last minute, replaced with her with a considerably more telegenic counterpart named Lin Miaoke (the bitch who looks plucked straight out of the Chinese chorus of the "It's A Small World" ride at Disney World, pictured to the left).

Here's what we know: Chalk this up to the consorted effort by the Chinese government to gentrify the country in time for the Olympics... On top of rigid anti-spitting laws, mandatory single-file lineup laws and compulsory English lessons for anyone remotely mercantile, it turns out that snaggle teeth aren't beneficial for China's "national interest". Isn't this EXACTLY what happened back in 1990 in the C&C Music Factory's smash-hit "Everybody Dance Now"? How Martha "It's Raining Men" Wash sang the vocals, but in the video, they substituted her for the considerably more-attractive lip synch stylings of Zelma Davis??? And then Martha Wash sued - and won - and then appeared in C&C Music Factory's subsequent hits??? Yeah. It's exactly like that. Except unlike Yang and Lin, I don't think Martha needed to go back to her job assembling Bratz dolls in a sweatshop. Again, Que Sera Sera.

3.) BARACK OBAMA SELECTS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...!!!

... and it's not Hilary...

... or Oprah...

... or even Jackee Harry...

Balderdash.

4.) MCCAIN SELECTS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...!!!

And it's a chick!!! Holy fuck!!! Suck it, Obama!!!

And moreover, it's Tina Fey. Holy balls.

No.

As the world at large knows by this point, her name is Sarah Palin - she's the Governor (or rather, Governess) of Alaska, she's pro-life, pro-gun, pro-anti-gay-marriage, soon to be pro-raping the arctic in search of glorious, glorious oil and about a decade shy of being half McCain's age. For realsies... don't they look like the oddest little May/December romance? Yuck.

Anyballs... isn't this just like the Dr. Suess tome Wacky Wednesday sprung to life? The Democrats choose a surly white dude for Veep and the Republican's choose a ballbustin' broad. What's next?! People wearing shoes on their head and hats on their feet?!?!?! AHHHH!!!

In other news... the McCain campaign musn't be wise to the facebook machine yet. Palin's daughter Bristol (classy name) is pregnant and has ample photographic evidence online that suggests she's an underage drinker. Also, apparently she supported a party in Alaska that's been aiming to separate it from the US. Yeah. FUN!

Finally...

The most important and savoury news item that passed during my hiatus...

5.) "HAIRSPRAY" STAR AND "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL" ALUM BRAWL AT AIRPORT!!!

HOLY BALLS! I leaped out of my skin when this item broke.

The long and short of it: Although details remain scant, early on in August, a real-life edition of Celebrity Family Feud erupted in an airport on the Isle of Turks & Caicos... only instead of beating each other with the most commonly said answer to a general interest survey, they actually used their fists. Apparently the Blonsky family were taking up an exorbitant amount of seats (which, considering their ample physical girth, doesn't seem surprising... but instead, they had their luggage up on it), and refused to move it when a member of that skank bitch from ANTM Cycle 9 Bianca's presumably skanky Klan came up and asked them to. The Blonsky's finally conceited, when someone from The Golden (that's Bianca's last name... because she be classy, y'all) family remarked "I don't want to sit next to no white bitch" and sparring ensued.

Here's what we know: When the dust settled, several people had to be hospitalized - to the surprise of no one, really, as I could see both sides carrying shanks, or at least knowing how to fashion a shank easily - and charges were filed: Both Bianca and Nikki were charged with "bodily harm" while Nikki's father Carl was charged with "grievous bodily harm". Both Bianca and Nikki were released on bail, but Nikki's father Carl remains in custody until a court date sometime this fall.

You couldn't even make this shit up if you tried. I've been waiting with baited breath to hear that this was instead some sort of reality show prank or something, but no - the shit is real! I don't actually think I could ask for a better combination of D Listers to engage in something like this EVER... well... maybe Brigitte Nielson and Clay Aiken or something... that'd be pretty awesome, too...

Whatevs.

Anyway.

More tomorrow.

Good to see you again!!!

--- Aj

Billy Fuccillo, where have you been all my life?

Hey cookies...

Happy Monday to you and yours.

How was your weekend? Mine was spent with me and mine, as opposed to you and yours, of course. That's right - I went back to Brockville for a familyola reunionthing that was both amusing and informative... I say informative in that it was disclosed that one of my aunts (who shall remain nameless... ... ...) BREASTFED HER KIDS UNTIL THEY WERE UPWARDS TO AND INCLUDING (BUT NOT LIMITED TO) 5 YEARS OLD!!!!

Yeah.

There's a rule of thumb that if you can ask for it, you're too old for it. So, in theory, that could mean two... But fucko - by FIVE, not only can you speak, but you likely have political opinions... fuck, you probably have a list of favourite non-fiction novels by that age!!! NUTS!!!

Further amusement came after my Saturday morning treadmilling, standing in the kitchen where my mother happened to have the local oldies station on... When, y'see, following Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" an extended radio commercial by none other than one Mr. Billy Fuccillo floated o'er the airwaves...

Billy Fuccillo is a bit of a legend in the Eastern Ontario/Upstate New York region... his commercials for the Fuccillo 'Automall' - featuring his signature pronunciation and delivery of the word "HUUUGE!" - are the stuff that dreams are made of. Observe:

Yep. In many ways, I feel as if I was raised by Billy Fuccillo... he certainly feels like part of my family, anyway.

I can remember back in University, during on the sketch shows that I did, there was potentially the most entertaining sketch ever created entitled "Kill Billy Fuccillo" - a takeoff of the "Kill Bill" movies that were ever-so-popular at the time. Yeah. Basically, the sketch revolved around Uma "The Bride" Thurman going after Billy Fuccillo and his criminally insane deals and steals on Hyundai's. I think that was pretty much all there was to it. I can't imagine what MORE there would have been to it than that...

Anyballs... fun times. Also fun times? TOMORROW NIGHT:

Yep. TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW!!! It's, also, going to be HUUUGE!!!

I'm not leaving you with that, though...

Today, the people in my office challenged each other to think of the funniest name we'd ever heard. Robert "Bob" Lawblaw (Bob Lawblaw... say it! SAY IT!) won out, but my offering was a close fourth*... (*fourth was last place. fuck.)

Mine: SHEILA CHOAD.

YES. AHHHH!!! I think it's the funniest name EVER! I said that it was the name of the regional manager of the DMV in Brockville - but I was TOTALLY bullshitting... it was the name of a character that Maya Rudolph played in a sketch called "Sheila Choad's Los Angeles Face" - a mock-talk show discussing the joys of botox (click the link to view... it won't let me embed... and you will WANT to see this):

That was for all of you stay-at-home non-moms out there...

Anyballs... UNTIL TOMORROW -

--- Aj

Since I've Been Go-ooo-one...

... YOU can breathe for the first time...

Not really.

Anyway - HI!!! Sorry I've been so MIA of late. Various reasons. Mostly good. But that's a story for another time...

So what can I possibly tell you? It's raining like cats and dogs here in the T Dot. I'm currently sitting at my desk, presiding over whatever business it is that I preside over, listening to Melissa Etheridge's Greatest Hits like a sorghum-raising, Simone de Beauvoir-quoting lesbo (of note about Melissa Etheridge: her songs kinda sound the same) and watching oodles of obnoxiously precocious child actors and their equally obnoxious stage parents sashay their way past my office door - y'see, as I mention on here from time to time, I work at the Mirvish building, for a company that handles the Mirvish real estate, um... 'ventures', we'll call them... and down the hall from my office is the rehearsal hall, where auditions are often held... this week, they're seeing candidates for the Von Trapp children (in the upcoming Mirvish production of "The Sound of Music" - CAN YOU NOT FUCKING WAIT?!?! YES!!!) - and from what I can gather, they must be seeing the younger ones of the set - so, Kurt, Brigitta, Marta and of course, Gretl - because these bitches look youuung.

Anyballs - a lot of these kids are in for some searing disappointment. Anytime I see one with red hair, it's like "you've got red hair, you won't be a Von Trapp kid."... conversely, anytime I see one that looks remotely 'exotic', they're ruled out as well - basically, unless you look like you could be humming a Nazi anthem whilst you make schnitzel, FOR. GET. IT.

In semi-related news: I saw Mamma Mia! this past Thursday night. Two thumbs DOWN! Gah - I was not amused. But really, I don't know what I was expecting - I mean, it was a farkin' jukebox musical featuring the songs of ABBA adapted from a cheesy-as-hell yet thoroughly entertaining stage show.

Well, strike that, I do know what I was expecting: Hairspray. Which I had pendulous trepidations about... in terms of how effective it would be transferring to the big screen... and then -SHAZAM- it turned out to be fucking amazing. I guess I thought that of Mamma Mia, too. Nope. The whole thing seemed kind of kids-film-esque to me - hokey and edge-less. The text was stale (read: your mom will LOVE this shit... she'll think it's the funniest, most outrageous romp she's been on since "Monster In Law"), there were far too many 'stand and deliver' scenes (in which people sing songs to each other in dead earnestness as if they were exchanging dialogue, resulting in them looking like crazy people) and generally outside of the rules of the contemporary, successful movie musical. Not to mention that there was this insane chorus of Greek islanders that drove me NUTS, pictured in the background dancing b'hind Meryl & co...

Had Meryl Streep not rocked out with her sizable cock out, it would have been absolutely unwatchable. Like, had it been Melanie Griffith or Goldie Hawn or another similar actress of a certain age, it would have been one gigantic pile of barf, but Streep weaved her signature brand of magic. She seemed like she was REALLY having fun and really relishing the experience, which was nice. And she can definitely sing - unlike SOME people I know (*cough*Pierce Brosnan*end cough*)... yeah... regarding: Pierce Brosnan... they might as well have cast Leonard Cohen in the role - BITCH CANNOT DO ANYTHING THAT REMOTELY RESEMBLES THE WORD 'SING'...

And anutha thang!!!: I hate to play logistics police (not really... I actually fuckin' love it!), but the film was rife with age and timing inaccuracies. It's made clear that Amanda "Sophie" Seyfried is 20 years old... Meryl "Donna" Streep is pushin' 60... this would mean she had Sophie in the late-late-LATE 30's... which is a little late in life to be musing whimsically about summer loves in one's diary-ladies, am I right? Anyballs... that's about it...

In other news: I'd be remiss if I didn't make mention of the passing of Estelle "Sophia Petrillo" Getty... I think we're all torn up about it... she was a woman who lived her life committed to two things: tellin' it like it is and being an active senior. Let us have one for Estelle, one mo' time...

Sad. Sad sad sad sad sad.

Don't worry - I'm not about to leave you on that note: here's a clip of Alaina "Rose" Hall, Jackee "Sandra" Harry and Marla "Mary" Gibbs who, thankfully are all still very much with us, from 227 serenading Sherman "George Jefferson" Helmsley with a cover of the Pointer Sisters' "Jump"...

OH - one more thing...

LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY!!! AHHHHH!!!

--- Aj

I'M ALIVE!!!

Yep.

I most certainly am. Although you wouldn't know it from the frequency, or rather infrequency, that I've been a'bloggin'...

So where have I been? What have I been doing? Why I haven't I been blogging? When have I been doing all of these non-blogging things? All good questions - each and every last one of them.

Perhaps we'll never know...

One question, however, that I DO rather gleefully have the answer to, however, is what would happen if you combined these two things:


What is the sum?

THIS is the sum...

Yep.

Horrifying. Actually kind of disgusting. Oh well.

I'm going to see an advance screening of Mamma Mia tonight, and am all too excited about it. I'd say expect a full-tilt spoiler of it tomorrow, but the entire thing is kind of spoiled if you've remotely seen the stage show, which approximately 15 million people worldwide have (which, by the way, is more plentiful than the world's Jewish population, which, at last count, clocked in at a measley 13.3 million... only 300,000 of which are in Canada... yep... the amount of people that have witnessed live stage antics set to the music of ABBA outweigh the amount of people in the world who subscribe to the philosophy that Christ didn't come again, having sex through a hole in a sheet and brisket. BRISKET!!!) then you'll easily know that everyone fucking gets married in the end and they sing us out to "Dancing Queen". Whattheballsever... I loves me some Meryl Streep more than I loves me some life...

So that's exciting...

What else is exciting...

OHHHHH yes. Just under two weeks. Hold onto your hats.

'Til T'morrow...

--- Aj